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Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 23
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have i been a idiotPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
It will always get "weird" at work for one of you. It just seems to be a fact of the dynamic of co-workers fraternizing romantically.

But "blowing" it? You sounded like a Gentleman during the experience to me. I think you just crossed into an area where it's natural for someone to begin to second guess going there at work. Plus if she's not dated much since her last love passed on she can be experiencing conflict personally with a perception of betrayal which can be natural for a widow or someone that lost someone she loved.
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 24
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have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/3/2012 8:14:22 AM
I'd say you behaved quite properly. But maybe she was expecting more and a little angry that you didn't take her up on what she was offering. If it was me I wouldn't have made a move either unless she came to bed naked and started crawling all over me. I don't know how to read women and they're all different books. but the next move is still yours. Talk to her. Maybe there's room for a second chance.
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 25
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:50:19 PM
the time for being a gentleman is past when you are in the bed with her ...and by the time your in the bed with her even if a pass is not wanted it will be forgiven .. once you have a woman in your bed proceed until you hear the word I said a unwanted pass at this time will be forgiven ..but you being a tease wont ..anytime you get a womans tractor cranked you best be prepared to do some plowing ..your only hope is to explain and hope for the best
Joined: 2/8/2012
Msg: 26
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/3/2012 7:40:18 PM
Dont s*** where you sleep dude, not now not ever.
Joined: 4/28/2011
Msg: 28
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/4/2012 9:12:00 PM
I would think you acted as a gentleman. In my opinion there are two issues at play here that both have nothing to do with the fact that you did not sleep with her that night:

1) She realized, after she returned to her own home, how difficult it would be to continue working with you if the relationship changes to a romantic one. Having a job these days is a very important thing for most people so the fear of jeopardizing it, may weigh heavy on her. Thus she has turned cold on you to protect her interest.

2) She realized, after the encounter with you that night, that she is not over the passing of her life partner quite yet and while feeling the hots for you, has been torn apart emotionally.

If I were in your shoes, I would ask her out again and see how she responds to it. I would not make it an issue that you did not have sex that night. That's not the point. Having sex involves two people being comfortable with it, and you weren't at that time. I think she does understand that.

If you are made for each other you will find a way around this :)
Joined: 2/17/2012
Msg: 29
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/4/2012 10:24:04 PM
It sounds like the only thing missing was cupids arrow, but I'm not sure just one of them would have helped. Maybe ten arrows, four bottles of wine, maybe she should have sit on your face to reach the alarm clock. This is very scary. If a women looked at you and smiled, I'm afraid you would look around the room to see if any one was standing behind you. Oh well being shy attracts some women but I wouldn't push it too far. At some point it had to occur to you that she would have chosen another room to sleep in if she wasn't interested in something more. On the other hand if you had the reasons you stated for not letting anything happen, I would have just put her in another room, or I would have slept in another room and gave her mine.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 30
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 7:06:13 AM

my question is have i blown this??? as she has been cold as ice at work since.

That depends on how badly you wanted to have sex with a head case.

If I would have been dropping such strong hints that I wanted to get intimate with a man, and only have got some cuddling after it, I would be more than annoyed.

Yet, I'll bet you would expect a guy to not get annoyed if he was dropping strong hints and you passed on the ``opportunity.''

This is why women have to be so careful. By your description, she was half naked in front of you and you just... cuddled...

I don't understand the problem. If the situation was reversed and say, a woman walked in on me when I was naked, I wouldn't expect her to sleep with me because of that. Indeed, I would be strung up for being so presumptuous.
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 31
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 7:12:54 AM
I've slept with a few female friends like this and they always wanted to snuggle/spoon.

The thing I did different is communicate. If I started feeling like they were sending sex signals I asked. I then said that I respect their answer but that if it's platonic then it's platonic and shouldn't expect that I take the lead at that point toward anything else. At that point they'll either thank you or start backpeddling and admit they wouldn't mind more.

It's never 100% clear though since men ask and women hint when they want something. ...And yet women think they are the communicators in the relationship.

Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 32
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 8:26:55 AM
Dude....any grown woman wanting to sleep in your bed with you is either green lighting you or an incredible tease. Don't think it was the later.

If she's being cold toward you's probably because she feels rejected.

This is an easy thing to fix. If you want her.....go get her.
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 33
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 8:32:11 AM
^^^^ Not true...sometimes they just want someone they trust to just cuddle them...

I will say that In OP's case they weren't good enough friends yet for that to apply....she definitely sent the signals!
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 34
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have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 10:06:22 AM
Both of you were ALMOST an idiot. Apparently you don't recognize a blessing when you see one. If she's commuting forty miles to work, I'm guessing the good jobs aren't growing on trees these days. Conventional wisdom says you don't sh*t where you eat. If your job there isn't significant to you, maybe putting her in jeorpardy should be considered.......or maybe she's already considered it herself.
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 35
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have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 4:05:40 PM
Have you been an idiot? Interesting question

If you really wanted to pet the kitty and that was the reason you asked her to the party then I'd say "Yes, you fugged up" because she did choose your bed and wasn't taken aback when you politely knocked and she was standing there near nekid.

From the sounds of it (a) you wanted more than just sex (b) have been and were very respectful of her loss and how she might feel so I'd say "No, you were a gentleman and all these people saying GREEN LIGHTS / SHE CLEARLY WAS GIVING YA SIGNALS are what make failed relationships fails" should have seen the signs and at least brought it up that (a) you want to but don't want to be thought of as "single minded purpose" or (b) that you are interested but would like to take it slow.

She may just be super openminded, I mean it was her who rolled over and went to sleep....what signal is that fine people???
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 36
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/5/2012 6:42:12 PM
^^^ agreed. There’s a presumption here, namely that when there’s a man and a woman in a bed, sex ‘should’ have happened. And given that scenario, most often it would. But there’s reasons why it might not have this time around…

they’re work-mates
it’s their first date
it’s her first date after grieving the loss of her former lover
it’s his first date since separating from his wife
they’ve been partying and drinking
the sleep-over is premised on convenience (she doesn’t live nearby)
it was very late and she was tired

If the sweet and tenuous approach to first-time love-making is a reciprocal dance of subliminal cues and mutual arousal, for some reason it just didn’t happen here. Should we assume she was sending the cues and OP just missed them? Possibly, but I doubt it.

And if she was shyly desirous and he missed the signals, would that be a pretext for her turning cold the next day and mentioning the ex more frequently in their e-mails? I think there are more reasonable explanations.

Flouting the cardinal rule pertaining to men, women and beds, she went as far with physical intimacy as she felt ready in the moment. He didn’t push her further than he felt was welcome. She had a resurgence of feelings about her late ex-boyfriend, possibly brought on by this first foray into the world of dating (and men, women and beds). And she may have re-assessed her state of readiness for an intimate relationship. With OP or with anyone. And she’s distanced herself from him emotionally. At least for now.

Clear away the presumption that sex ‘should’ have happened and leave room for the simplest explanation – and that’s what I get.

psst: and OP should give her lots of space. And let her approach when she's ready. As a friend.
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 37
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/6/2012 10:58:01 AM
You should have at least gone down on her.....that's just common courtesy......
Joined: 11/15/2010
Msg: 38
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/6/2012 2:17:01 PM
I agree that the simplest explanation is probably the right one.

(most) Women want a man to lead. She offered it and it appears you rejected her. So many women want a man that is going to take what he wants (until she says no). This makes her feel desirable.

It isn't easy to read but, as someone said earlier, if you aren't an ass about it you will likely be forgiven. Not so much so for being a wuss (no offense intended).

I used to be heavy into the wuss thing because my mom taught me all the wrong things when it comes to women. Well... not so much all the wrong things as she only told me the surface and told me that was all of it.

I think to salvage this thing she is going to have to be convinced it wasn't rejection and you can take charge.

I may receive some bashing here but things occur on a much more animal level than a rational one. I believe this is also the reason men and women don't understand each other well, because they are looking for logic instead of from a more animal perspective.
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 39
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have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/6/2012 4:25:12 PM
You were just getting to know each other in a more intimate way. I can't see that you did anything wrong. If she liked you, she'd wait and see what happened over a period of time, not just give you one chance. Maybe she was tired, maybe she stopped feeling comfortable in some way and decided you weren't suited to each other. Maybe she's incredibly shy and doesn't know what to say now. Cold as ice sounds a bit more than that though. Is she at all friendly? If not, then I think she just didn't feel the right chemistry and turned off at some point. Sorry.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 41
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/17/2012 4:47:34 PM
Flirting thru text isn't always a sure sign, b/c its easy to do. But when someone flirts right in front of you, where you can react and get them in over their head? its more likely to be a sign. Keeping the suitcase hidden from everyone at work may, may, also be a sign that she wants this to be personal business, not an office topic, and usually one does that when one expects something worth talking about to occur.

don't just ask her out, she'll figure the same thing will happen again. EXPLAIN why things happened. share with her your inexperience in reading signs, that your workplace frowns on relationships so you wanted to err on the side of respecting her, etc. in other words, share your fear, your willingness to respect her rather than just get some, etc, let her inside your head. It helps her to connect more to you. it also lets her know, she wasn't rejected. you wanted to, you just weren't sure, but now that you are sure its ok to not be so much as a gentleman...things will occur differently.
 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 42
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/18/2012 4:17:24 PM
OP ..seems like she put it all out there ..spending the night and other things she did ..

And you didn't move on it ..? ... didn't you find her attractive ..? do you think she might feel scorned ...? I don't think she understands why you didn't
Joined: 3/5/2012
Msg: 43
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/18/2012 6:39:35 PM
I agree with Natalie...anyway why sex should be a must all the time? And besides she was the one saying she wanted to sleep.
Joined: 1/11/2006
Msg: 45
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have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/18/2012 8:23:20 PM
Dude, man up and just ask. Better to know than to walk on eggs. Why give up control of your headspace to another person. Rule number one: Get rid of Headtrash as fast as it appears.

GOod luck
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 46
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have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/18/2012 8:31:30 PM
Yep, you totally blew an opportunity to pleasure yourself and her. What did you do? Just lay there like a stiff in your own bed? Good grief Charlie Brown.

Look Charlie, respect is earned not given. Remember that next time a girl volunteers to sleep in your bed, with you, next to her. She's not trying to earn your respect. She wants you to penetrate her sweet little vagina! The two of you can talk about respect or the lack there of at a later time. Don't let this happen again.
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 47
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/18/2012 9:10:58 PM
'situation is met a girl at work,
I have got to know her quite well over the last couple of years as we work together. Unfortunately her boyfriend died in a terrible car accident about 3 years ago.'

emotional baggage. shes looking for a therapist, your looking for a lover.
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 48
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/19/2012 1:33:10 AM

Another date three months away....Poor excuse. Just a blow off. Forget it.
Joined: 3/24/2011
Msg: 49
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/19/2012 1:44:09 AM
The second sentence should have been the red flag.

"situation is met a girl at work" should tell you right there really not to get too personally close to her. I would have given her her own bed and slept separately. I dated a woman with whom I worked together in a past job. We were gf/bf for a little while and then things went sour and suddenly I had to work with a woman whom I could barely be around. Look for people outside the work place and things should be a lot nicer. Even if things don't work out, you don't ever have to see that person again and things won't be awkward.

But now that you're in that kind of situation, the best thing you can hope for is asking her what's wrong and that she'll be communicably receptive to it. Otherwise, sucks to be you.
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 50
have i been a idiot
Posted: 3/19/2012 3:35:48 AM

looking4u40: i have asked her out on another date and she has said yes as soon as she completes her next exam for her masters which is in june.

I understand she drove 40 miles to you...but this time, instead of waiting waiting 3 months for your next date (because 'she is studying for her masters') can drive to her - I am sure she needs to eat and take some breaks...since you aren't having sex or anything you guys can go out to dinner or something for a few hours and then she can go back to studying...and you can have a good number of these type of dates, talking for a few hours, face to face, really getting to know her etc...then in June she can drive and spend the weekend or something at your then it won't seem so weird having her spend the time there and I think, from what I read on here from other women, 3 months is a perfect time to start having sex with someone (for the women that like to have men wait...that is from another thread) to me, you would seem like a winner all around...

(just to clarify...I don't agree with a 3 month window...was just quoting...I don't agree with any as long as there is a clear open line of communication which you clearly don't have yet with this woman)...BEST OF LUCK
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