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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > great conversations...a thing of the past?      Home login  
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 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 65
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great conversations...a thing of the past?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Great conversation can be difficult when the other party is being constantly interrupted by their cell phone.

Some people are surface talkers with no depth and others can have deep conversation. Unfortunately, I've experienced more surface than depth.

Welcome to the short attention span 21st century.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 66
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/28/2014 8:03:08 PM
@Becky

I agree with the earlier poster, you do NOT need, "10 topics".

If you sincerely want to know how to be interesting, read Dale Carnegie's, "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

It really is ALL about, "taking a sincere interest in the OTHER person."

Read more (news, biographies, politics, business, non-fiction). MY experience is that women who are well-read, often know, "a little, about a lot of things", and thus, they are often able to converse on a wide range of topics.

"You're an electrical engineer? You must really be good at math. What made you choose electrical engineering as opposed to, say, civil or mechanical engineering?" "What was the most difficult engineering-related class you took in college?" "Is there a difference between an electrical engineer and an electronics engineer, and if so, what is it?"

"You collect rare stamps/rocks/coins/baseball cards/pens/watches etc.? How did you get into that?" "What's the most valuable/interesting/rare stamp that you have?" "Aside from status, are their reasons that someone would pay $7000 for an Omega, when they can get a Timex for $100?" "If you hit the Lotto tomorrow, what would be your, "Holy Grail" watch, and why?"

"You are into antiques? You must love flea markets and garage sales, what's the coolest thing you've found at a flea market?" "I'm not familiar with flea markets, are there any really good ones around here?"

"You're a cyclist? I don't know anything about cycling. Rookie question, but exactly what are some of the differences between a $200 bicycle you get at a chain store versus a $3,000 bicycle?" "What's your take on Lance Armstrong, do you think he deserves the accolades and awards that he achieved, even though he was using PED's?" "Do you ride competitively or for recreation?"

"You're into photography? How did you get into that? "I've heard that the camera really doesn't make a difference, is that true? If not, then why do some camera's cost $100 and some cost $5,000? What does the $5,000 camera do that the $100 doesn't?" "All my photos come out crappy, what are 2 or 3 tips that would help most non-photographers to take better photos?"

But, THAT is only HALF of it. The other half is...................You GOTTA' sincerely be interested in hearing the answer (unless you're really good at faking sincerity..................but that's far too advanced for today's lesson).

Asking questions is a sign of interest. Not asking them (is usually) a sign of disinterest.

Nothing against YOU personally Becky, but it concerns me that so few women "get" this. I can already envision POF's "Best & Brightest" coming out to state that, "Well, NikonGuy, maybe a woman isn't asking you anything because she's not interested in YOU." Bravo! Wow. You've all e-hurt my feelings. I'm about to use some sarcasm (I have to announce it, otherwise it kinda' flies over the smart aleck's heads').............How dare a woman send me an e-mail on POF (when my profile is the length of a Russian novel), that reads, "Hi." What kind of impression is she hoping to make?

"Well, NikonGuy I betcha' wouldn't care, IF she was HAWT."

"You'd be WRONG (again)! But, thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you out back. Drive safely."

I've had this conversation with enough single AND married men, to know that a lot of women don't do this (ask probing, non-relationship oriented questions), because, in MY opinion, they have been socialized to expect to BE pursued, and since too many men are too eager, thirsty, and easy; too many women do NOT "have" to extend ANY effort to obtain male company, and therefore they DON'T (especially for as long as they retain their looks, charm, and personality). I think as women get older, they very often, then have to work harder (assuming that they want male attention/companionship), and they're not at all used to it (working to obtain male attention).
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 67
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/28/2014 8:55:13 PM

Some people are surface talkers with no depth and others can have deep conversation. Unfortunately, I've experienced more surface than depth.


First thing, it seems nearly a page of this thread was deleted/removed. My original comment is gone, and the two gentlemen who listed 10 topics, their posts are gone.

2nd. What I had observed, is a couple of recent posts by men, which indicated some women they dated "had no depth" and couldn't hold a deep conversation. This was a man's perspective.

I asked a question. I just wanted to see examples, from these posters, or any man, as to what topics they would typically like to discuss with women when dating. I asked them to list 10.

I was not saying I needed 10 topics to date. My question only pertained to this thread.
 CoralReefs
Joined: 5/31/2014
Msg: 68
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/29/2014 9:02:55 AM

I've had this conversation with enough single AND married men, to know that a lot of women don't do this (ask probing, non-relationship oriented questions


Agreed. This has been my experience. I don't expect a lot of depth from initial conversations, but a demonstration of some level of curiosity is always appreciated. It's just not always forthcoming.
 sactownromantic
Joined: 4/4/2014
Msg: 69
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/29/2014 10:23:07 AM
Most people would rather have a relationship with their smartphone, my last girlfriend would check her Facebook app every 15 minutes. It's kind of hard to have a conversation when women are constantly looking at their smartphones.

I can talk about a wide range of topics, my favorite is politics but nobody likes to go there.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 70
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/29/2014 11:35:23 AM
I think knowing how to talk in public (forget even having conversations)
is a lost art. People don't know how to get someone's attention. Instead of
saying "hello, hi, excuse me" they just start talking, even if it's to your back.
Drives me crazy when I'm working and people will do that or just walk up and say
"travel?" "fiction?". I honestly will ignore anyone talking on their phone,
talking behind my back, or my personal fave...those who just stare until
I notice them.

Conversations are something else entirely. Hard to find someone interested
in talking about something other than themselves or someone who can't stop
making love to their phone.

I don't know why this is, maybe people just don't interact with others as often
anymore?

I can talk a little about a lot of things, and a lot about some things. I just haven't
found many people I'm actually interested in talking to.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 71
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/29/2014 4:02:59 PM


this clown is pointing out someone else's language faults?


Excuse me, sentences start with a capital letter the last time I checked, question mark is questionable at best
language skills not so much either
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 72
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/29/2014 5:49:36 PM
^^^^^ And sentences end with a period. Dude, quit while you're behind.



I can talk a little about a lot of things, and a lot about somofe things. I just haven't
found many people I'm actually interested in talking to.



This describes my conversation style. Because I don't know everything, it can be interesting if the other person can go beyond scratching the surface of a topic I'm not versed in. Randomness is always welcome.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 73
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/30/2014 9:37:37 AM
I've observed that people that are so anal about proper grammar or sentence structure are the most boring people on Earth. Get excited about things that matter. This is a thread of POF, it's not like it's a grant paper to the NIH.
 Your_Move
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 74
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/30/2014 1:40:40 PM

Hard to find someone interested in talking about something other than themselves (...) I can talk a little about a lot of things, and a lot about some things. I just haven't found many people I'm actually interested in talking to.


I wonder if that's really the crux of it all, summed up right there. We've been told for years how "unique and interesting" everyone (like us) is, we've bought into it...we all still think we can talk about interesting things - yet when we look at those around us, much as THEY might find themselves "unique and interesting", WE don't find them so. Sort of a narcissistic feedback cycle?
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 75
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/24/2014 7:34:05 PM
I have watched three documentaries on prostitution. One was about 12 years ago, on HBO, titled, "Hookers at the Point" (about hookers in the Hunt's Point section of the Bronx). I think the other was on A&E about 5 years ago. And, one was about the women working at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada, also about 5 years ago.

What I found most interesting was/is...........................

In interviewing the hookers, A DAMN LOT of them said that the men, "just wanted someone to talk to" and/or "someone to listen to them".

Pretty damned sad..................to think that a lot of these guys are married, living with, dating, fcvking, ....................whatever.............................women that, for whatever reasons, they feel, they can't talk to, and/or who don't hear these men the way they want to be heard. Especially disappointing, when you consider that the hooker is only pretending to listen (and yet, for a lot of these men, the hooker pretending to listen, trumps their wife, girlfriend, s/o, etc).

Strangers, semi-strangers, co-workers, and all manner of people (except for attractive, age appropriate women) walk up to me all the time, and just start talking...........................mostly about nothing.

My sister says it's because I look people in the eye and I appear to be a good listener.

In general, women are more communicative AND more so than men, tend to have a social network of girlfriends who they can "unburden" themselves with, and to.

My experience has been that most men (over the age of 30), don't have 2 real 'friends' on the planet (especially if you do not count the woman that they're sleeping with). And, most men will only bond over sports, their job, a hobby, or politics. I have never met a guy in my entire life that could hold a conversation about interpersonal relationships, even if his life depended on it.

I have only met one woman (who wasn't a relative) in my entire life, that I could say I truly "enjoyed" talking to, and who I could really "unburden" myself to.

I guess my point is........................women often have their girlfriends to "unburden" themselves to.

If a hetero man is extremely fortunate, he can unburden himself with his s/o, however, if I were a betting man, I would say that most men either have to, "keep their own counsel" and the few with the discretionary funds, can hire a 'professional'.

I love sex as much as the next man, but give me a woman who is a great and active listener and, who I enjoy talking to, and that's wifey material right there. There are millions of women in America who can perform well enough in bed................do the "Hungarian Basket Trick", a "Dirty Sanchez", oral, anal, etc. etc. It's all a 'dime a dozen'; but a woman who will willingly give of her time and undivided attention, actively listen, ask pertinent, detailed questions, and offer you thoughtful insight, is truly "one in a billion".

I believe that there are millions and millions of lonely people in America who don't have a soul to talk to, or who will listen to them. Hell, I know what near strangers in the workplace have told ME. People whose last names I didn't even know, but who, for whatever reason, felt that they could put their burdens in my mind vise, and I would crush them. People who very often had 'significant others'.

I don't care how pretty you are, how many sex positions you know, how much money you make, how hard you work out........................if I do not REALLY enjoy conversing WITH you, I cannot see being in a relationship with you.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 76
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/24/2014 9:38:50 PM
NikonGuy007:

Read more (news, biographies, politics, business, non-fiction). MY experience is that women who are well-read, often know, "a little, about a lot of things", and thus, they are often able to converse on a wide range of topics.

Exactly. The last man I met was a great hiker (good) but never reads (bad). Consequently Neil often didn’t understand my vocabulary and humor. He wasn't much of a conversationalist and didn't like to call or write. I was bored with him.

Reading is my passion and escape; it feeds my hungry mind. Reading gives me entry into different cultures, people and history. People still express amazement at how unusually articulate my daughter was at a young age. That’s because I began reading to Claire as a baby and turned her into a reader. I never used baby talk with her.

“What does that word mean?” Claire often asked. “Look it up,” I said briskly and relented, telling her the meaning. “Why didn’t you use the simpler word?” she asked. “Because I enjoy the SHADE OF MEANING in the original word,” I replied. Claire rolled her eyes into the next state.

Intelligent conversations and witty banter delight me. I grew up in a family of six, left-handed, highly intelligent, funny musicians. Our family dinner conversations were lively, hilarious, wide-ranging on a variety of topics, and fast. Quick, witty comebacks were encouraged.

I am a bit of a sapiosexual: attracted to intelligence in others. All my life I have been attracted to highly intelligent men with a great sense of humor. Whenever I hear a great conversation going, or somebody making others laugh with wit and charm, I pull up a chair and join in. I'm instantly charmed and delighted.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 77
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/25/2014 6:15:37 AM

Strangers, semi-strangers, co-workers, and all manner of people (except for attractive, age appropriate women) walk up to me all the time, and just start talking...........................mostly about nothing.

I was going to say "ditto" except strangers don't just walk up and talk to me (except some really weird ones), and the other people who just start talking to me don't talk about nothing. I seem to be the person that others feel they can tell whatever it is they can't tell anyone else. And they say that all. the. time - "I've never told this to anyone else", or "I don't know why I'm telling you this", or "I can't believe I'm saying this.

I think it's because I have a 'steady demeanor', I listen more than I talk, and like Nikon, I look people in the eye. And I turn off my damn cell phone.


a woman who will willingly give of her time and undivided attention, actively listen, ask pertinent, detailed questions, and offer you thoughtful insight, is truly "one in a billion".

Actually, I consider the barrage of questions Nikon wrote in his earlier post, a list of "pertinent, detailed questions" to be Conversation 101 - one step up from "Hi", or "if you want to know more, just ask", or "if I wrote more in my profile, what would we have to talk about when we meet?" Who, what, where, when , why questions can be practiced and memorized ahead of time (e.g. Nikon's earlier post listed a number of questions to ask if one where talking to an electrical engineer) so they are not actually personal to the other person in the conversation. Nor are they the interpersonal conversation that people crave.

What I think people are looking for is more communion than conversation. COmmunion includes empathy, joinder, compassion. It's Conversation 400 - the advanced class. It starts with offering thoughtful insight but also requires exposing the self - not just drawing out from the other. What this looks like, to me, within a conversation is not just asking questions personalized to the other and offering insight on what they said, but also extending what they said by offering something about myself or my life that demonstrates I know what they're talking about, or I understand what they're going through. Not in a 'one-upsmanship' way (competition is the opposite of the kind of empathy I'm talking about), but in a way that lets them know they're not alone.

I know that's what was the defining trait for the men, even though long gone, I still consider the great loves of my life.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 78
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/25/2014 8:22:32 AM
I got two messages in my inbox last week that totaled 5 words...

Very handsome

Handsome very nice

Wow...
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 79
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/25/2014 11:48:21 PM
^^^My man Cooldog

I hear ya'.

Right now, I am corresponding with 3 women on POF. 1 of the 3 shows signs of maybe being a conversationalist.

The other 2 just seem to passively regurgitate back to me, the questions that I have asked them.

NikonGuy: "What was the best and worst part of your weekend?"

NancyNoConversation: "The best thing was climbing Mount Everest with my friends on Saturday. The worst thing was cleaning my house on Sunday. What was the best and worst part of your weekend?"

Call me......................whatever, but, is it really too much to ask, for a woman to come up with her OWN original question that demonstrates some type of interest, concern, passion, zest for life, creativity, etc.?

That's a rhetorical question.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 80
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/26/2014 3:03:48 PM

Call me......................whatever, but, is it really too much to ask, for a woman to come up with her OWN original question that demonstrates some type of interest, concern, passion, zest for life, creativity, etc.?


You're having a polite conversation with someone & start by asking them a question. They answer your question & to you, they should take the subject in a completely different direction. No, most People, if asked about their weekend, will ask how yours was, too.

You led the conversation in that direction, don't complain, when they stay on the subject you brought up.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 81
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/27/2014 8:52:15 AM

"You're a cyclist? I don't know anything about cycling. Rookie question, but exactly what are some of the differences between a $200 bicycle you get at a chain store versus a $3,000 bicycle?" "What's your take on Lance Armstrong, do you think he deserves the accolades and awards that he achieved, even though he was using PED's?" "Do you ride competitively or for recreation?"


A woman I dated, the first message I sent her had as the headline Alpe d' Hues. I did that because she had something that looked like a selfie of her close to the top of Alpe d' Hues, with Lance in the background. She had cycling clothes on, so it said that she had climbed the mountain.

The conversations with this woman went on for hours.

I don't think conversations are a thing of the past. The problem is that most people do not understand what a conversation is and instead engage in a monologue. The secret to any conversation is not in what YOU talk about. The power of a conversation start precisely in what you have shown above with your samples. And that is TO ASK QUESTIONS. There's a saying in sales that goes "whoever ask the questions controls the conversation."
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 82
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 8/27/2014 10:47:01 AM
^^Holy cats, I still remember the cute blonde I was trying to talk up decades ago. She asked me how my day had been, I told her I had gone bicycling and gotten a flat, and she said,

"Oh, sorry, I don't know a thing about bikes."

I figured she was merely dumb, but minutes later when she all but jumped into a fellow's lap, I realized, she simply wasn't interested in talking to me, but to the hot guy next to us. sitting next to me was merely positional for what she really wanted.

in other words...like tennis and other sports, conversation works when both want to play. Like LH mentioned, I wasn't even home-schooled, but my father had me on Mcguffy's Reader before I got to school--and always I heard, "well, go look it up". Yesterday I went to a historical tour, and knew as much about the tools in the tobbacco barn as the guide (well, OK, according to him I knew more), some from what my father has collected in the garage but also from doing other tours and watching the movie "Parrish".

If you're curious about your surroundings, you tend to want to learn about them. When you find a like-minded individual, wow, its like a refreshing mental vacaction. An hour of conversing feels like minutes, as you learn and as they learn. when you end the convo early ("always end on a good note, don't drag on") and both of you express how much you enjoyed the company of the other...yeah, its not dead.

we just live in an era where people can look things up on their phone, don't need to listen to someone with experience tell them something. if you're bored in the airport, you can play games on your phone, rather than ask the person next to you where they're from or going.
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