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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?      Home login  
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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
For those women who feel it's none of the guy's business to know, let's reverse the situation. Let's say a guy has a child, but the child died for whatever reason. Then you meet the guy. Would you consider it none of your business to know that? Or if this guy got another woman pregnant before meeting you and the pregnant girlfriend had an abortion. Or if this happened multiple times-let's say the guy got ten women pregnant and they all had abortions. How many women would still feel it's none of their business to know any of this while dating a guy?
 PutYouOnBlast
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 27
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/5/2012 3:40:21 PM

For those women who feel it's none of the guy's business to know, let's reverse the situation. Let's say a guy has a child, but the child died for whatever reason. Then you meet the guy. Would you consider it none of your business to know that? Or if this guy got another woman pregnant before meeting you and the pregnant girlfriend had an abortion. Or if this happened multiple times-let's say the guy got ten women pregnant and they all had abortions. How many women would still feel it's none of their business to know any of this while dating a guy?


It still wouldn't be anyone's business. Abortions an ex of the person a woman has dated is his ex's business, and has no bearing on me. If he feels a need to unload, great. I would be understanding of the fact that it affected him. However, if he chose to keep it a secret, then great again.

People chose to end pregnancies for reasons personal to them. Just like it is a woman's right to chose what she wants to do with her body, it is also her choice to keep that a secret. None of what you posted above still doesn't change the responses from your OP.

I vote that it is still none of my business, again, because it will not make my life better knowing any of that.
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 28
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 6:11:51 AM
There is no reason for her to tell any future partners. It's between her and the guy that knocked her up end of story. As far as guys having a child that dies...Cmon that's an actual child not an aborted fetus. None of your arguments make sense at all. You are comparing one extreme to another and neither are remotely similar. Unless the abortion has left her in an unstable mental state or she has a breakdown on the anniversary every year there isn't a reason to bring it up.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 29
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 6:35:29 AM
I would not tell my partner I had an abortion.


Edit: I fail at reading the question.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 30
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 6:42:46 AM

There is no reason for her to tell any future partners. It's between her and the guy that knocked her up end of story. As far as guys having a child that dies...Cmon that's an actual child not an aborted fetus. None of your arguments make sense at all. You are comparing one extreme to another and neither are remotely similar. Unless the abortion has left her in an unstable mental state or she has a breakdown on the anniversary every year there isn't a reason to bring it up.


Well, I make very little distinction between a child on the outside of the womb and my child on the inside of the womb.

I think she would have a responsibility to tell the guy once they are getting serious and possibly deciding to have kids on their own. I know that I would have trust issues and would want to be thoroughly convinced that she would not ever do it again.

Think about this for a moment: A woman can be carrying your child, that you talk to every night through her stomach, and on a whim decide she doesn't want it and abort it. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it but mourn the death of your child.
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 31
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 7:30:05 AM
Does the fact that she had an abortion at a young age mean she will have another later in life? No it does not. If I were a woman and got knocked up as a teenager I'd probably do the same thing depending on the circumstances.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 32
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 8:06:29 AM
I say then...if you have the belief that abortion equals murder...and you would not want to be involved with a woman if she did in fact have an abortion in her past-then ask these questions early on before attachents arise. Doesnt mean you will always get a truthful answer...but never assume someone shares your ethics/morals-ask!

I have not had an abortion...but I do believe that it is persoanl information that should be shared willingly, when people feel safe to do so.

On the other hand...I do believe that if a woman had one and she knows she is dating a man who feels very strongly about it, she should either tell him so he can choose if he accepts it, or bow out herself. I would never advocate lying or just not telling a man who has strong feelings about the procedure. The truth always comes out in the end, so just deal with it head on and let the chips fall where they may.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 33
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 8:10:51 AM
I think it's a bit of a moot point because if a man is passionate about the issue then he would know because the topic would have been approached during the deciding period before having a child.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 34
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 10:42:12 AM
What I find curious is some of the responses who are almost militant about keeping it a secret and who keep professing that it's none of the guy's business.

I can see if it's a guy you're causally dating and not wanting to be a open book about everything that happened in your life. But if you're in a relationship/marriage, it would make me wonder what other topics and life experiences are off limits to discuss with a partner. That would raise red flags to me. If I'm in a relationship, I don't have any "don't ask me" topics. I will discuss any topic, issue, life experiences, any phase of my life-from early childhood to present. I have never told a partner "it's none of your business". I have nothing to hide. I would expect the same from a partner I'm with. If I was in a relationship with someone who kept this a secret and I found out later and she used the "it's none of your business" route, that would be the beginning of the end. I would be constantly wondering what else is being kept a secret, which means the trust is gone in the relationship.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 35
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 12:32:08 PM
I agree that if you're planning to have a child with someone; it becomes his business.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 36
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History
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/7/2012 4:08:47 PM
No sense changing the theme in the middle of the thread. When you started this thread, what I got out of reading your OP was that the abortionist in question does not tell men she had an abortion like 40+ years ago. No where did it say that she was ASKED and then lied about it. Huge difference.

I don't divulge everything that has happened in my life with men I date. I was almost raped 29 years ago. I have come to terms with what happened, and it is no longer an issue. So really what would a man gain by me telling him this.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 37
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/7/2012 5:57:35 PM
I have never had an abortion, but I know a couple of people close to me who have. I don't believe a significant other has the "right" to know.

How an abortion impacts the women varies greatly from person to person. Each will process whatever feelings they may or may not have about it in their own way. Some may carry feelings for a long time. Therein lies the issue - it is a very personal issue and no one is "owed" information about personal issues.

The effects can still linger, especially if the woman has unresolved feelings about it. But, either way, the experience is a part of who that woman is today.

If I had ever had an abortion, I would hope I would feel close enough to anyone I felt was a long-term partner to "want" to share this information with them. Because, it would be a part of the experience that created me and I want to share that.
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 38
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/23/2012 11:40:03 PM
absolutely not. It's none of his business. actually, the past on either side is none of the other person's business. there are no 'shoulds' about it. I would never be with someone who made me fear the past coming out should the subject come up. and I wouldn't let that possibility coerce me into divulging information either.
 Radiculus12
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 39
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/24/2012 12:32:11 AM
I'd want to know simply because it's an important life decision that my partner has made, even if it was in her past.

Do I think she is obligated to tell me about an abortion? No.
 FrancoisVillon
Joined: 12/8/2011
Msg: 40
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/24/2012 4:34:34 PM
No, She should not have to.
It is her business.
other side has no right what so ever.

We want some one drama free, so why bring back abortion ?
Society make it traumatic, to scare women, and men , when I think about it.
Unless for any reasons she knows that the new guy may have a problem with it if he find out. Then she should not go out with him. But again it is her business.

I have few X's girl friends telling me after we where together, because they where comfortable to tell me, and knew that I was not going to judge them. I din't .
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 41
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/26/2012 5:12:17 PM
I have read through every reply to this thread, as I find it an interesting topic. There are a number of good observations, but this part of Igor's responses seems to very logical and worth repeating.


Igor- regardless of what is being left undisclosed and in the past. If it affects who you are in the present, by keeping quiet about it, you limit how well your partner understands you.


In no way do I feel a woman must tell her SO, but I do feel she should strongly consider doing so IF the experience impacts her current relationship significantly. One possible circumstance, as alluded to above, would be if their SO was vehemently opposed to abortion. In such a case, the woman might choose to disclose that she had an abortion, or might simply discuss her current beliefs in relation to abortion. Ideally, this would have been discussed at a much earlier point in the relationship.

If her SO had the tendency to voice negative opinions about abortion, while at the same time not knowing about the abortion she had, that could severely impact the relationship. In that case, full disclosure might be most appropriate, though not mandatory.
 kkl1983
Joined: 2/26/2012
Msg: 42
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:20:00 PM
Abortion is something that is intimate to a women, it is her decision to tell her mate.

Ahhh just another question, to throw out there...

"would you get back together with a man that you had, had an abortion with"?
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 43
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:53:28 PM
My ex had an abortion three years into our marriage and never felt the need to mention it. I didn't find out until 13 years later, a week before our divorce was finalized.

One of her "friends" all of a sudden felt that I should know.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 44
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/4/2012 5:23:37 PM
^^Wow. Sorry Russell - that's taken my breath away so I can't even imagine how it affected you.
 kkl1983
Joined: 2/26/2012
Msg: 45
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/4/2012 6:42:37 PM
Whats in the past is in the past.

Its a womens perrogative to tell who she wants when she wants.

Personally i tell everyone, and i dont care what people say about me...

Sex is sex, and sometimes your stupid and I dont condone my behavior.

Regret the situation... and everyone that has a heart does...

However with time you heal, the main thing is getting on with YOUR life, because after all god creates all of us for a purpose, and i believe its only in him that you find forgiveness for taking that life.

Just my personal view...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 46
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/4/2012 8:06:48 PM
I concur with Import, Russell5417. What a kick in the gut. Would you rather have not ever known, or are you "glad" (not good choice of word) you found out? This points out the risk someone takes when keeping their past mistakes secret.
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 47
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/5/2012 2:48:40 AM
Import.........by the time that I found out it didn't really surprise me. Or anyone else for that matter...

maleman........actually I was VERY happy to find out, because it answered many questions ...alot of things that didn't make sense, started to make sense.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 48
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/5/2012 6:34:05 AM
She should tell if/when she's ready to. What would be more important to me is would she want an abortion if she was pregnant with my child?
 starofgaia
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 49
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/21/2012 5:39:32 PM
No, I would not. Nobody's privy to that information; I don't care who they are.

If severe complications had arisen from have the procedure done and it would impede my ability to have children, then yes, I might be so inclined, as I would if after giving birth, I sustained any permanent scarring.
 DeerTaint
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 50
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/21/2012 6:37:29 PM
I'm going to assume when the OP says the woman that had the abortion at 17 means it was many years ago. What would that have to do with her present life? You said she's on the second marriage and has since has kids. What difference does it make at this point?


The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.

Says who? "The right to know". Really? I didn't know medical procedures went on your permanent record. Good to know what "rights" I have when it comes to my body and who I have the "right" to tell. Perhaps they need to start a website of every pap smear or miscarriages too? I don't have any kids and don't want any. If by chance I became pregnant, I would have no problem in getting an abortion and it would be anyone's business but mine. If men were able to get pregnant, abortions would be free and available in bars so they could get one during halftime.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?