Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 _SighNoMore_
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 51
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.


Why?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 52
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/22/2012 8:38:13 AM
Let's put a spin on it. Should a woman who had 5 or 6 abortions tell a partner/husband? I know a woman who had 3 abortions by the time she was in her early 20's. She too was doing the "Nobody needs to know" routine.

I find it funny that so many people feel so vigilante about keeping that a secret and spouting "What ever happened in my past is nobody's business but mine". That's good to know for people who have a history of cheating on every partner and spouse, or have convictions for violent crimes, and anything else that's shady. Sweep every bad thing under the rug and don't tell anyone under the banner of "It's none of his/her business."
 ixtlan09
Joined: 12/12/2010
Msg: 53
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/22/2012 8:40:44 AM
It's none of anyone's business except the girl who had the abortion and the guy who impregnated her. Anyone else who thinks it is their business is just an invasive prick.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 4/22/2012 11:56:46 AM
should a man tell if he had an ex that aborted a child that was his??? what if 5 of his ex's had abortions.... seriously... why is this a gender topic.... maybe I would have an issue with my man having that many abortions too... or that much unprotected sex....

if someone is comfortable telling... they should tell.... but if they feel it was very private.... then no.... it is a personal experience.... to be shared only when one wants to share.....
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 55
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/27/2014 6:17:41 AM

As I see it, there are two sides of the argument. The one side is whatever happened in the past before you met a partner is left in the past and no need to disclose past history. The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.


The OP is under the misguided notion that her choice to terminate her pregnancy was, by default, traumatic, and that they feel entitled to know.

Well, no, you're not owed any disclosure -- whether the termination was traumatic or not, it's not her duty to inform you of something like this; this is her personal decision, her life, and none of your damned business.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 56
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/27/2014 9:03:01 AM
I don't need to ask...people figure out I'm a good listener, and they unburden themselves naturally. I'll bet I'm not the only person who's been in that position. Chances are, a partner who enjoys your company and wants you to know them and wants to share...won't hold back something that's important. They may hold back something that's trivial to them.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 57
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 7:52:05 AM
She should definitely let him know.

It means she had unprotected sex (with the possibility of STDs). It means she underwent the physiological changes that occurred with conception.

The above also applies to miscarriages. Abortion adds the factor she chose to terminate the life.

Let him know ASAP and let him decide if he's still interested.

I'm childfree. One necessary condition for childfreedom is never been pregnant. One woman I met from online called herself "child-free" in her profile text. On the first meet she said the A word.

I consider "has kids: no" to mean never pregnant, never adopted a kid, never been a step parent.

If you have offspring who are no longer alive, you can put yes or prefer not to say. Would it be OK for Susan Smith and Casey Anthony to put no for has kids?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 58
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 9:48:26 AM
For those who feel it's none of the guy's business if his girlfriend/wife had an abortion before they ever met:
Would the same rule apply if, before meeting you, the guy was in a relationship and his SO got pregnant, and they both decided it would be best to have her get an abortion? Would you never want to know that, even if it was fairly recent-let's say in the last year or two before meeting?

If it's nothing to be ashamed about, and it was just poor judgment which is part of being young, I don't why it would have to be kept top secret. I'm not saying blurt it out as soon as you meet someone, but what do you think would happen if you get into a serious relationship and your partner was to eventually find out-especially from another source? I guess the first thing to ask a potential partner is if they're pro-life or pro-choice. That would be a deal breaker if they're not in sync with your view on it.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 10:32:47 AM

I would instead suggest, that it would be a logical move, for the one with the traumatic experience, to let the one know, who they most want to understand and care for them. It's a practical consideration, not a moral one. It is bound to cause one's behavior to be different from someone who has not had the experience, and it is bound to affect how they decide things in their life.


No.
It is a decision that may be made for a reason that has NOTHING to do with anything going on today. Unless the subject of unprotected sex/possible pregnancy comes up...if the procedure was done correctly, then there isn't any obligation to tell and most likely,no "trauma"...especially if it's far in the past.

If it's in the context of a relationship and the subject naturally arises then it can be shared as any intimate details of your Life can be shared with a partner, but that is TOTALLY up to her....


For those women who feel it's none of the guy's business to know, let's reverse the situation. Let's say a guy has a child, but the child died for whatever reason. Then you meet the guy. Would you consider it none of your business to know that? Or if this guy got another woman pregnant before meeting you and the pregnant girlfriend had an abortion. Or if this happened multiple times-let's say the guy got ten women pregnant and they all had abortions. How many women would still feel it's none of their business to know any of this while dating a guy?


Still...NO.

Losing a child is something else entirely, thus the reason that people rarely if ever will not say that their child has died. Whereas a woman having an abortion is a MEDICAL PROCEDURE that is personal and private...As for the ex or how many abortions are in HIS past...Couldn't care LESS....that's HIS business and between him and those women. Has less than nothing to do with me.


I find it funny that so many people feel so vigilante about keeping that a secret and spouting "What ever happened in my past is nobody's business but mine". That's good to know for people who have a history of cheating on every partner and spouse, or have convictions for violent crimes, and anything else that's shady. Sweep every bad thing under the rug and don't tell anyone under the banner of "It's none of his/her business."



To even COMPARE an abortion to ANY of these things and to actually SAY that it's "shady", is EXTREMELY offensive as far as I'm concerned...it is NOT a crime number one, thank the gods that at least western society is somewhat enlightened in regards to that, and it IS NOT a betrayal like cheating on your partner...

I'll say it again,it is a medical procedure that is NOBODY'S business but the woman who has had it and who she chooses to reveal that info to, for whatever reason.

There are no "rights" here on the part of men, period.
When men can get pregnant and carry a child to term and give birth, then you have a "right"...The right to get an abortion and NOT be one more person contributing to the problem of children being brought into the world when they are not wanted...The "right" to NOT have to live with one mistake for the rest of your Life...AND the "right" to disclose or NOT,a very personal and difficult decision regarding your own body...

And for all of those men who may feel that women have too much power in that they don't get a say in that decision...Here's a couple of thoughts...
If you don't have enough trust in your partner to include you in that decision should it arise, then you better reevaluate your relationship and/or find yourself a more trustworthy partner.
If you don't want to find yourself dealing with that choice, a sure-fire way to prevent that is NOT to have unprotected sex.
While you may not have a choice once she is pregnant you DO have the choice to NOT be the one getting her pregnant and won't have to ever be in that position.
Amazing that in this whole "abortion debate" that particular fact seems to rarely if EVER come up.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 60
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 10:50:48 AM
So what other topics are totally off limits to discuss with a SO? If someone has a criminal record and spent a lot of time in jail, should that be kept a secret forever, since the crimes were committed in the past, no matter what the crime? What other topics and life experiences are to never be discussed or brought up with a partner? I'm willing to bet if someone did something outstanding or heroic, it would not be classified as top secret that must be taken to their grave.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 11:19:23 AM
Again...with the comparison to criminal activity!!!

Having an abortion is NOT a crime....
Unless there are complications and/or it was a result of a traumatic experience, then it is a PRIVATE MEDICAL PROCEDURE, that has absolutely NO bearing on the person that she is today and/or the effect it may have on a relationship.

If somebody commits a crime that entails jail time, then you are looking at a person who has a record which most definitely WILL interfere with both the relationship and virtually everything else in that person's Life...such as jobs, travel, etc.

See the difference?

Why is it SO important for a man to know about it?
Does he also want to know all about every other gynecological procedure that she has?
Maybe she should also "come clean" about the colonoscopy that she had 15 years ago????
While I understand the gravity of the decision, that in NO way entitles anybody to "know" about it if she chooses not to share it with them and, in fact, is all the MORE reason that she has the right to choose who to share that info with and who not to.

I really can't fathom how this in ANY way effects your relationship with a woman, with the exception of what I have already mentioned.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that while getting to know your SO that you WILL know their stance on abortion...simply through sharing yourself,ideas,beliefs, etc.

I hardly see myself wanting to be in a relationship with a pro-lifer and have turned down invites to further intimacy for that very reason.

Mostly because it seems that people who are in that camp, are NOT people that I want in my Life as a partner, period...
I personally believe that a woman's right to choose to terminate a pregnancy is vital in a healthy society and again,nobody's business except her own and who she chooses to share that with.
While I respect the pro-lifers and their right to believe as they choose, I personally find that Life, for it's own sake, whether an unborn fetus or a person who is terminally ill is not enough of a reason to carry a pregnancy to full-term and/or keep someone alive despite their own wishes.

Amazing how we are taught to become responsible, contributing members of society and that as adults we are told that we must live our lives and are solely responsible for how they turn out as well as pay for the consequences of our actions, but when it comes down to our own physical BODIES, all of a sudden we just aren't capable of making a sound decision regarding it's treatment and need our governments to tell us what we CAN do with it.

Well, the times they are a changin', as they say, those who don't change with them are going to find themselves becoming more and more of a minority.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 62
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 11:36:20 AM
There are certain subjects that the decision to disclose is a matter of judgement, tact, finesse,privacy,whether the subject would have any impact(particularly negative impact) on the course of their lives should they partner up....
I would say that an abortion is a private medical matter that need not be revealed, as long as there were no complications(physical or mental) that could impact future health.

A felony on one's record CAN and probably WILL affect one's future life with reference to several important aspects.
And FYI, there are lot of people who do unselfish, noble and even heroic things and don't divulge them.

I don't think people's sexual history needs to be shared as long as there are no diseases present. Personally, I don't think anyone "owes" a prospective romantic partner even information about existing offspring if there is no present impact on one's life and finances( this would include kids given up for adoptions, children that have died, children that one may not see due to certain circumstances,children that a man MIGHT have fathered, )
Again, unless the abortion had complications or somehow had a longterm effect on one's psychological health, I don't see why it has to be revealed to ANYBODY. It's between a woman and whatever gods she may have.
Cindy O
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 63
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 11:41:22 AM
Again...with the comparison to criminal activity!!!


Totally wrong interpretation. Nobody is comparing abortion to criminal activity. Bad reading comprehension. The mention of criminal activity was to discuss what topics are considered off limits to talk about and what shouldn't be off limits. I could've replaced criminal activity with any other topic that's controversial to talk about, but thought most people would be able to realize that this is a not a comment about whether abortion should be legal or not.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 11:59:31 AM
No reading incomprehension there, thanks...

You are trying to compare having an abortion with having a record of criminal activity...and whether or not to divulge that information...

Apples and oranges....

If you had read my post, you would know that....

Maybe a case of "bad reading comprehension"or bad communication skills....on YOUR part...

Never once talked about the legality of abortion other than to say that having a criminal record will affect a relationship, having an abortion won't....as it is NOT a crime...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 65
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 12:02:55 PM
Criminal activity for which one has served time, very likely will have a noticeable impact on what types of employment can be obtained, and certain privileges may be restricted or unavailable. This in turn could impact the quality of a couple's life.
Now, I don't think that people have to like hand over a BOOK of their life story for just your average dating or even FwB, but if there is an intent to move towards interweaving lives, then I think that matters like criminal records or medical conditions that could recur or worsen, should be shared. If one is paying child support then probably that should be revealed if there is anything more than casual interaction, because it could affect joint finances.
If one has a credit rating that sucks,if one is at risk of having their wages garnished or bank account levied, then those things probably should either be revealed when a relationship gets serious, or else one should forego serious relationships.

But a medical abortion that has no complications to affect health? An abortion isn't going to restrict a woman from certain job fields, it isn't going to get her wages garnished, she won't be denied a mortgage or denied buying a firearm...
You are comparing apples to oranges.
If you are somehow terrified of pairing up with a woman who might have had an abortion or perhaps had a miscarriage, then I guess you need to only seek relationships with verified virgins.
good luck with that.
Cindy O
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 66
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 12:21:05 PM
If none of her subsequent husbands was the one causing the pregnancy that was terminated then there really is no whatsoever need to tell them.

And as for the last sentence, to share any past experiences is a very personal decision and if she did not feel like sharing this, it’s entirely up to her.
Nobody has any “right” to know about intimately personal past experiences of another person, partner or not.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 67
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 3:21:03 PM
maleman999- That is something personal and I can understand why someone wouldn't share it.
Honesty is a good thing in a relationship MOST of the time, but one thing that comes to mind is that anything that you share with someone can be thrown and your face or told to others if there's a break up.
I have never had an abortion, but there were things that took me YEARS to open up to my ex about and when I left him, he used things that I had never told another soul to hurt me.
It happens more often than people think. Once it does, people stop being as open.
Btw-I'm not sure your ex was such a great friend to tell YOU about her friends private business, just saying.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 68
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/28/2014 8:57:26 PM
Whatever happened in the past is not the current person's business unless it directly affects them. What someone did to their body and their life is of no consequence to the new partner, so no, no reason at all to tell him unless she wants to.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/29/2014 4:14:12 AM

There's not always a direct and visible link from an abortion to health afterwards...

An abortion with no obvious side effects might still be the reason for unexplained infertility down the road...

Some women do regret the abortion years later and it can impact their moods as in affecting self esteem and or leading to depression...


Should that become an issue later, then it is STILL her decision as to whether or not to share it...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 70
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/29/2014 9:49:16 AM

There's not always a direct and visible link from an abortion to health afterwards...


Then by all means everyone should subject any prospective significant romantic partner to a thorough, in-depth grilling, incase at some point an STD might have been contracted.

Childhood diseases, especially mumps, should be asked about. There should be a family medical history taken, because at some point, conditions like hypertension, diabetes, and/or the medications for these conditions can affect sexual activity.
Of course any history of childhood abuse-whether sexual or otherwise, should be discussed because sometimes those memories can crop up and cause other behavior issues( No I'm not kidding this happened to someone I know very well)
If somebody has a personal issue with abortion, or even just a big NOSY problem, then I am sure they will be able to justify expecting women to reveal EVERYTHING about their past sexual history.
Cindy O
 ChaChucky
Joined: 10/23/2014
Msg: 71
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:45:27 PM
Australian political heavyweight and former Prime Minister, the recently departed Gough Whitlam, was once persistently hectored by a man demanding to know his opinion on abortion:


"Let me make quite clear that I am for abortion and, in your case Sir, we should make it retrospective!"


Caused chuckles here.

Can't imagine it going down so well in the United States.


For the guys: If you were dating a woman who had an abortion, would you want or care to know?


Nah.

If it's alright by the Comrade, it's alright by me.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 72
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/30/2014 9:39:33 AM
She should definitely let him know.


No, it isn't necessary. If she feels it's necessary, by all means, she should disclose with her ongoing consent. Any revelations of a past pregnancy is her right to make to whom she feels is worth it. Not that you understand nor respect her privacy and right to bodily autonomy, though...


It means she had unprotected sex (with the possibility of STDs).


LOL! I think the fact that she had sex prior to having sex with you is the issue, here.



It means she underwent the physiological changes that occurred with conception. The above also applies to miscarriages. Abortion adds the factor she chose to terminate the life.


WTF?



Let him know ASAP and let him decide if he's still interested.


It's her choice, and it isn't necessary for her to tell him anything, particularly at this stage of the relationship.


I'm childfree.


No, no, no -- you murdered all of those lives during nightly emission, masturbation, and fruitless sex!!!!!! FFS.


One necessary condition for childfreedom is never been pregnant. One woman I met from online called herself "child-free" in her profile text. On the first meet she said the A word.


This makes no blooming sense at all.


>[I consider "has kids: no" to mean never pregnant, never adopted a kid, never been a step parent.


Never being pregnant means never being pregnant. Being pregnant doesn't mean I'm already a mother unless I already have children and it's my second, third, or fourth child.


If you have offspring who are no longer alive, you can put yes or prefer not to say. Would it be OK for Susan Smith and Casey Anthony to put no for has kids?


What a callous, thoughtless declarative sentence.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 73
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/30/2014 9:50:32 AM
For those who feel it's none of the guy's business if his girlfriend/wife had an abortion before they ever met:
Would the same rule apply if, before meeting you, the guy was in a relationship and his SO got pregnant, and they both decided it would be best to have her get an abortion? Would you never want to know that, even if it was fairly recent-let's say in the last year or two before meeting?


NO! It's none of my business!


If it's nothing to be ashamed about, and it was just poor judgment which is part of being young, I don't why it would have to be kept top secret.


What you fail to understand that it's a private matter which is none of my business. Even if she decided to continue the pregnancy and give birth, their personal decision-making process in that situation is none of my business. It doesn't have to be a shameful choice to want to keep that piece of very personal information private.


I'm not saying blurt it out as soon as you meet someone, but what do you think would happen if you get into a serious relationship and your partner was to eventually find out-especially from another source?


Well, then, somebody has compromised her constitutionally-protected right to privacy and you should question that source's motive in breaking that and informing you without her permission or knowledge, not the fact that she chose it.


I guess the first thing to ask a potential partner is if they're pro-life or pro-choice. That would be a deal breaker if they're not in sync with your view on it.


That is something to be discussed very carefully and frankly. I most agree. Especially if you're a woman and your value as an equal human being is undermined, by how her partner deems her body as his personal property.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 74
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/30/2014 12:04:50 PM

The one side is whatever happened in the past before you met a partner is left in the past and no need to disclose past history.


- That's good from the woman's perspective in this case - why say something that could lower your partner's love level? The more they love you, the more fun they are. It's smart to only share skeletons with a counselor.


The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.


- That's good from the man's perspective... you don't want to be with someone who has too much baggage.

Welcome to dating and relationships, the world's largest cat-and-mouse game!
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 75
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/31/2014 8:46:28 PM
The flip side of the coin is: Should women have the right to know whether a man ever insisted that a woman to have an abortion? (Not had the discussion, but actually insisted)

Bama girl also brought up an excellent point. Vindictive exes do ugly things. There's an old thread where the ex advertised about the former girlfriend having had an abortion.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14463103.aspx
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?