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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 68
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Whatever happened in the past is not the current person's business unless it directly affects them. What someone did to their body and their life is of no consequence to the new partner, so no, no reason at all to tell him unless she wants to.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 69
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/29/2014 4:14:12 AM

There's not always a direct and visible link from an abortion to health afterwards...

An abortion with no obvious side effects might still be the reason for unexplained infertility down the road...

Some women do regret the abortion years later and it can impact their moods as in affecting self esteem and or leading to depression...


Should that become an issue later, then it is STILL her decision as to whether or not to share it...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 70
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/29/2014 9:49:16 AM

There's not always a direct and visible link from an abortion to health afterwards...


Then by all means everyone should subject any prospective significant romantic partner to a thorough, in-depth grilling, incase at some point an STD might have been contracted.

Childhood diseases, especially mumps, should be asked about. There should be a family medical history taken, because at some point, conditions like hypertension, diabetes, and/or the medications for these conditions can affect sexual activity.
Of course any history of childhood abuse-whether sexual or otherwise, should be discussed because sometimes those memories can crop up and cause other behavior issues( No I'm not kidding this happened to someone I know very well)
If somebody has a personal issue with abortion, or even just a big NOSY problem, then I am sure they will be able to justify expecting women to reveal EVERYTHING about their past sexual history.
Cindy O
 ChaChucky
Joined: 10/23/2014
Msg: 71
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:45:27 PM
Australian political heavyweight and former Prime Minister, the recently departed Gough Whitlam, was once persistently hectored by a man demanding to know his opinion on abortion:


"Let me make quite clear that I am for abortion and, in your case Sir, we should make it retrospective!"


Caused chuckles here.

Can't imagine it going down so well in the United States.


For the guys: If you were dating a woman who had an abortion, would you want or care to know?


Nah.

If it's alright by the Comrade, it's alright by me.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 72
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/30/2014 9:39:33 AM
She should definitely let him know.


No, it isn't necessary. If she feels it's necessary, by all means, she should disclose with her ongoing consent. Any revelations of a past pregnancy is her right to make to whom she feels is worth it. Not that you understand nor respect her privacy and right to bodily autonomy, though...


It means she had unprotected sex (with the possibility of STDs).


LOL! I think the fact that she had sex prior to having sex with you is the issue, here.



It means she underwent the physiological changes that occurred with conception. The above also applies to miscarriages. Abortion adds the factor she chose to terminate the life.


WTF?



Let him know ASAP and let him decide if he's still interested.


It's her choice, and it isn't necessary for her to tell him anything, particularly at this stage of the relationship.


I'm childfree.


No, no, no -- you murdered all of those lives during nightly emission, masturbation, and fruitless sex!!!!!! FFS.


One necessary condition for childfreedom is never been pregnant. One woman I met from online called herself "child-free" in her profile text. On the first meet she said the A word.


This makes no blooming sense at all.


>[I consider "has kids: no" to mean never pregnant, never adopted a kid, never been a step parent.


Never being pregnant means never being pregnant. Being pregnant doesn't mean I'm already a mother unless I already have children and it's my second, third, or fourth child.


If you have offspring who are no longer alive, you can put yes or prefer not to say. Would it be OK for Susan Smith and Casey Anthony to put no for has kids?


What a callous, thoughtless declarative sentence.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 73
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/30/2014 9:50:32 AM
For those who feel it's none of the guy's business if his girlfriend/wife had an abortion before they ever met:
Would the same rule apply if, before meeting you, the guy was in a relationship and his SO got pregnant, and they both decided it would be best to have her get an abortion? Would you never want to know that, even if it was fairly recent-let's say in the last year or two before meeting?


NO! It's none of my business!


If it's nothing to be ashamed about, and it was just poor judgment which is part of being young, I don't why it would have to be kept top secret.


What you fail to understand that it's a private matter which is none of my business. Even if she decided to continue the pregnancy and give birth, their personal decision-making process in that situation is none of my business. It doesn't have to be a shameful choice to want to keep that piece of very personal information private.


I'm not saying blurt it out as soon as you meet someone, but what do you think would happen if you get into a serious relationship and your partner was to eventually find out-especially from another source?


Well, then, somebody has compromised her constitutionally-protected right to privacy and you should question that source's motive in breaking that and informing you without her permission or knowledge, not the fact that she chose it.


I guess the first thing to ask a potential partner is if they're pro-life or pro-choice. That would be a deal breaker if they're not in sync with your view on it.


That is something to be discussed very carefully and frankly. I most agree. Especially if you're a woman and your value as an equal human being is undermined, by how her partner deems her body as his personal property.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 74
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/30/2014 12:04:50 PM

The one side is whatever happened in the past before you met a partner is left in the past and no need to disclose past history.


- That's good from the woman's perspective in this case - why say something that could lower your partner's love level? The more they love you, the more fun they are. It's smart to only share skeletons with a counselor.


The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.


- That's good from the man's perspective... you don't want to be with someone who has too much baggage.

Welcome to dating and relationships, the world's largest cat-and-mouse game!
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 75
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/31/2014 8:46:28 PM
The flip side of the coin is: Should women have the right to know whether a man ever insisted that a woman to have an abortion? (Not had the discussion, but actually insisted)

Bama girl also brought up an excellent point. Vindictive exes do ugly things. There's an old thread where the ex advertised about the former girlfriend having had an abortion.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14463103.aspx
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 76
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 10/31/2014 8:59:56 PM
Should a woman have the right to know if a man ever fathered a child and denied/abandoned it?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 77
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/1/2014 5:13:17 PM
If a couple are dating, and He used to be a She, or She used to be a He, and had the full range of surgeries to complete the gender modification, should that be kept a secret from their partner, since their original gender is in the past?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 78
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/3/2014 1:12:47 PM
maleman999- Apples and oranges comparison. (abortion and gender reassignment surgery)
Unless an abortion results in a woman becoming sterile, it doesn't need to be disclosed. Even then, the woman is only obligated to tell the man she can't have children, not WHY.
Is this really about disclosing an abortion to a mate or a thinly veiled attempt to start a debate about abortion itself?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 79
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/3/2014 1:58:27 PM

Should a woman have the right to know if a man ever fathered a child and denied/abandoned it?

A better analogy would be: Should a guy tell a GF that before they were a couple, but while they were having their first few dates -- that he got another woman pregnant? And that she was prego when he and his GF started to become an item -- but that other gal got an abortion? There's no kids who ended up being born; he didn't bang another woman when exclusive with someone; why tell?

Would a GF have the right to break up with her BF if she found out that 6 months ago he had a fertilized egg running around inside another woman's tummy when they were dating -- even if that fertilization occurred Before he and the GF officially went steady?
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 80
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/3/2014 4:09:56 PM
No...he should NOT feel obligated in that scenario....
Nor in any other where he was involved in a pregnancy that was terminated...That would be between him and the woman he was with at the time...
As for her "right" to break up with him...well, I'm guessing that she might do that if she was against abortion in general, but otherwise..
No

Same goes for a guy....
While she is NOT obligated to disclose the info,if she chooses to and he is against abortion,then he has the right to break up with her for that,if it is against his own personal beliefs...
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 81
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/3/2014 8:34:37 PM
No...he should NOT feel obligated in that scenario....
Nor in any other where he was involved in a pregnancy that was terminated...That would be between him and the woman he was with at the time...
As for her "right" to break up with him...well, I'm guessing that she might do that if she was against abortion in general, but otherwise..

So, say you've been on a 3rd or 4th date with a guy -- and you realize you really do like him (and he's good in bed, too!). Anyway, shortly after that you both decide to go steady... you're really hitting it off... and he tells you he got his ex pregnant some weeks back -- in-between your 3rd & 4th date with him. He's pretty sure she's going to flush that little guy out. He then asks you what movie you want to go see. :)

Point being, most women aren't going to be comfortable with that, regardless of their stance on abortion. Or hearing about it later in their relationship in a game of truth or dare: "Remember after our 3rd date? Well, 2 nights later I banged my on-again-off-again Ex. You and I weren't steady yet, tho! Funny thing is, I fertilized that darn girl. I was kinda nervous as you and I went steady not too long after that. Thank Gawd I convinced her to flush that sucker out." I doubt many women would say "Oh, thank gawd. Yeah, we slept together for the first time after that 3rd date. No, I wouldn't have minded then, as we weren't going steady yet and as long you were getting an abortion. And I don't mind now, either. Good story!"
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 82
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/4/2014 5:09:27 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wow...I can SEE the sarcasm just DRIPPING off that post!! LOL

Actually I make it a policy to NOT get involved with ANYBODY who has had ANY such recent involvement with an ex, in the first place, simply because I'm a big believer in being done on an emotional level with someone BEFORE actually moving on to someone else, and that includes having sex with them....

As for people who are only dating and perhaps sleeping with other people, no, you're right, I probably WOULDN'T stay with the guy, if he had recently gotten another woman pregnant.....
Now SAVOUR that for a moment....lol

Because...........

The reason for that would be that I would feel that he needs to deal with THAT situation and all of the accompanying emotions, BEFORE he gets involved with me, or anybody really....I would also hope that HE would have the presence of mind and the maturity level to KNOW that as well....
Although if he were as callous as you make him SOUND...then I PROBABLY wouldn't be dating him in the FIRST place!

Also,I'm NOT really interested in sleeping with a man until we actually ARE exclusive, otherwise it would be for casual sex,in which case, I don't know and/or care what he does....

However...in the UNLIKELY scenario that this is who I think is the "guy" for me and there has been an accidental pregnancy that he and SHE, want to terminate, then I WOULD be willing to give him the time and space necessary to deal with that situation, and resume our relationship once he feels ready....If that's what he wants...

Despite your "facetious" take on the scenario , it DOES happen and often people are changed FOREVER by the experience, both men and women...
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 83
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2014 4:47:09 PM
Eeewww, Norwegianguy. Your scenario was more than a bit creepy. I wouldn't date a man that felt abortion was merely "flushing that sucker out".
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 84
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/18/2014 2:18:40 AM

Women's choice to have an abortion should equal automatically her choice to tell people or not

It's not about going thru with it -- it's about Telling them. If it's anyone you were seeing on any level at all and/or have been friends with (ie not some stranger for a one-night porkfest), by default, it should be the standard / right thing to do to Tell them.

Imagine a BF finding out that his gal had 3 abortions over the years with him. WTF! It's about as important as Telling them whether you're on the pill, have fertility issues, or anything of that nature.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 85
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/18/2014 2:24:32 PM

Imagine a BF finding out that his gal had 3 abortions over the years with him. WTF! It's about as important as Telling them whether you're on the pill, have fertility issues, or anything of that nature.



As I understand the OP, this was about telling a current b/f about abortions that you may have had before KNOWING him, not abortions that you had WHILE with him...
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 86
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 11/18/2014 6:26:56 PM

Unless an abortion results in a woman becoming sterile, it doesn't need to be disclosed. Even then, the woman is only obligated to tell the man she can't have children, not WHY.


Agreed. Pretty much none of my business (if she chooses to tell me that's her choice of course).
Unless, as maleman999 said, it resulted in her unable to have children and she thinks/knows I want children, then of course I think it would be appropriate to tell me she can't (not necessarily why as he said, but to let me go find someone who can if that's what I want).
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 87
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/19/2014 10:52:25 PM

As I understand the OP, this was about telling a current b/f about abortions that you may have had before KNOWING him, not abortions that you had WHILE with him...


Okay... so a woman Should always tell the guy they're with they had one, correct?
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 88
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/20/2014 4:05:50 AM

Okay... so a woman Should always tell the guy they're with they had one, correct?


Unless there's a good reason otherwise...I would do so,myself...I can't speak for "all women"...

By that I mean that he's NOT an abuser that she's trying to get away from, that their relationship is solid,etc. Ideally, for ME, if I'm with a man in a relationship and should I accidentally get pregnant, that would be a decision that we would discuss, and hopefully, agree on....
In fact that is something that I usually discuss with a partner somewhere in the beginning of a relationship...
As in along the lines of what are your beliefs, are you looking to have children, etc.

But let me be perfectly CLEAR when I say that if I got pregnant at THIS particular age and stage of my Life and my partner did NOT want me to get an abortion...I would have one any way just because of my age and health situation...I'm NOT interested in starting to raise a child at this point in my Life and physically, really shouldn't for other reasons...
But again, this WOULD be made VERY clear at the beginning with any man that I become involved with...

Ultimately, and unfortunately for men, it IS the woman's decision as SHE is the one who will be carrying it, changing her entire lifestyle, giving birth, etc.....

Also, unfortunately, there ARE some women who will use that as a way to hurt a man, etc., but that,sadly is the way it is...I suggest that you KNOW who you sleep with and be careful about birth control if you don't want to find yourself in that particular situation....
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 89
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/20/2014 6:11:24 AM

Well, then, somebody has compromised her constitutionally-protected right to privacy and you should question that source's motive in breaking that and informing you without her permission or knowledge, not the fact that she chose it.


There is no actual constitutionally-protected right to privacy, it's an open question. There is a right against self-incrimination, which provides protection for the privacy of personal information.


My ex’s best friend had an abortion when she was 17. She’s on her second marriage now. I recall my ex (before she was an ex) asked her if she told her then boyfriend about the abortion. She hasn’t told anyone-not the first or second husband or any guys she dated in between.


If you want to keep a secret, you shouldn't tell ANYONE about it.

It's poor judgement to reveal anything to anyone you want to keep a secret. I think it's even more poor judgement to tell your friends but not your husband. However I don't think the husband has a "right" to know about what happened when she was 17.

The situation indicates the woman you are talking about has a lack of trust in all men no matter how intimate their relationship. I say this because she tells her female friend / friends but not her husband.

IMO either keep it a real secret, or it you feel you need to tell your friends, you should be able to also tell your SO.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 90
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/20/2014 7:48:34 PM
If I was in a relationship that was getting to the point of marriage and I found out through other means that she had an abortion and didn't tell me, then what would really hurt is the thought that she didn't trust me with that information. To me, a relationship without absolute trust is doomed to failure.

Does she have a "right" to hide that information from me? Absolutely. And I have the right to terminate a relationship if I feel like I am not trusted.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 91
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/20/2014 8:03:43 PM
I would. How he reacts to something like that would tell me volumes about our compatibility.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 92
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion T
Posted: 11/20/2014 8:29:50 PM

I would. How he reacts to something like that would tell me volumes about our compatibility.


Wouldn't particularly bother me either way. While I'm a believer that people should practice other forms of BC before it gets that far, it's not 100% perfect and 'accidents' do happen, and I'd respect her choice.

Of course, as to what Dee said, if we were *in* a relationship I would expect that it'd be something we'd talk about first, while I'm not particularly looking for kids at this point I'd feel it respectful to include me in the decision, although I'd respect her choice not too even then. If she didn't tell me, while I'd respect the decision I'd feel she didn't trust me enough and maybe question the relationship.
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