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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
without warningPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I have witnessed friends of mine split up and I am so astounded how the man is usually saying he was "blind sided....had no idea anything was wrong".
Meanwhile I know...for a fact the woman has tried to talk it out or express ...she was unhappy...to no avail or solution.

I have to agree with this. It's not that the guy didn't know anything was wrong, it's usually that they don't really think anything will come of the complaints. I have seen friends exes do this too. Ignore ignore ignore. Eventually she's not interested in talking and fixing things anymore - she's tried for X amount of months or years. She starts to get over the relationship. By then of course she's got no interest in staying in contact. She's been there done that.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 27
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 5:35:28 PM

I have a generic query that needs an answer because I'm hearing of this more and more from friends, and friends of friends, and strangers—which is decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them. Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.


There is a cliche that says there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and what really happened.

If you talked to my ex-husband, he would say the same as these men would say--that after 25 years of marriage, I walked out one day with no warning. He would say that he gave his heart and soul to me and ultimately, I threw them to the ground and trampled on them as I went out the door.

I know that he thinks this because of what he said to me when I was walking out the door and what he said to the few mutual friends I have spoken to in the 13 years since I left. I know what he said to my sons.

I gave PLENTY of warnings, but he ignored ALL of them, even the pointblank to the face warnings. He ignored them because he didn't want to face reality and thought that if he ignored what I said, it would just all go away; instead, I went away. As with the rest of our marriage, he never truly listened to what I was saying.

There are always signs that a relationship is coming to an end; in some instances, the partners are either smug in their belief that the other partner will not truly go. Or, like my ex, they are in denial.

What a partner THINKS that he or she gives to the relationship doesn't always jibe with what the other partner experiences. For 23 years, I was the one who overlooked issues in the marriage that increasingly alienated me. I tried talking to him about it, but it was useless because he didn't see anything was wrong or because he couldn't deal with emotional issues. I finally stopped asking him to do things with me and he was happy that I stopped nagging. But for the last year, I told him how unhappy I was and that unless things changed, I would be leaving. When he ignored those warnings, I stopped issuing them and left.

He didn't want to work on the issues until about three days before I left! Then, he said he was willing to make changes.

YOU nor anyone who is not privy to the private life of a couple have no real idea what happened. My leaving had nothing to do with being hurt by other men because until I left, I had NO other man in my life. My ex and I had been together since I was 17 and he was 18.

And I was financially shafted in the divorce, so I feel no sympathy for men who cry about their ex-wives getting EVERYTHING because it is not true that ALL women do.

Those men need to step up to the plate and take responsibility for their parts in the failures of their marriages.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 28
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 5:41:18 PM
I'm with the majority here-a break-up does not happen in a vacuum.

As far as "justification"-that is a moot point,because there have been warnings that went unheeded. So what may or may not have happened at some time in the womans' past has no bearing.

Not to be sexist-I'm sure that there are women saying the same thing" I don't know why he left me-I thought things were fine!" but I have to say that it seems much more common to hear-from men- that a woman left a man "without warning". As many here have said-I doubt that it really WAS "without warning"-it was a matter of not heeding the warnings.
Cindy O
 Infinity_G
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 29
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 5:45:43 PM

Women walk away from the devoted guy because they're no longer attracted to a pushover.


I'm not sure I understand how a devoted man (which is how it should be), is somehow a pushover?

Can we call this opposite day?
 c4st_4w4y
Joined: 2/17/2012
Msg: 30
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 6:15:54 PM
Everyone has some kind of issue or problem/challenge they bring to the table for the other one to have to deal with. My ex had them, I had them. We did communicate and that certainly helped us continue when things were good. Unfortunately, we faced challenges that we might have been able to overcome, but chose not too. It just didn't seem like the rewards were going to come. She gave up and so did I. I was in MHO, carrying the heavier load, in many different ways, but she would never know this. (not her fault)

One gets to a point where you weigh the issues. In our case it was just a little too much. Could we have worked harder? In hindsight, yes. But we didn't. Most of us seem to take the easy way out. There are no easy answers, no right or wrongs.

There are always warning signs. Most often than not, both have contributed to the failure. Real love is one hell of a committment and most of us simply don't realize it going in. I learned sooo much and am still learning about myself.

We are becoming too greedy and we're never satisfied. Love is simple, we make it complicated. You can't blame one gender. Jerks approach in the form of men and women.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 31
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 6:39:34 PM

We are becoming too greedy and we're never satisfied. Love is simple, we make it complicated. You can't blame one gender. Jerks approach in the form of men and women.


I don't know how you equate wanting communication and understanding from a partner as being "greedy." I also don't know how wanting a partner to meet you halfway is being "greedy."

Love is not simple and it never has been--people cannot simply love each other and that means everything will work out.


Most of us seem to take the easy way out.


Divorce is not an easy way out.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 32
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 6:54:29 PM
Decent guys are the types that are complacent and assume too much. No sense of urgency or ability to keep channels of communication open. Whether the feedback is good or bad. Bottom line is that adult men should never be blindsided by a separation.
 c4st_4w4y
Joined: 2/17/2012
Msg: 33
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 7:32:10 PM
Gwen:
To clarify, asking for communication and such is not being greedy. I meant that we as humans in today's world want everything we see. Like someone that seeks out a relationship outside of marriage. Or perhaps someone that lives beyond their means and spends more time working at their career than spending time with their spouse. Yes divorce can be difficult and costly. Ours was not as we settled our affairs ourselves, amicably and with low cost. We did have mutual respect as a shared quality :)
 hotmerlot
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 34
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 7:40:33 PM
There are always warnings. I actually sat my partner down and said I have one foot out the door. He didn't believe me, so I left. He claimed to be heartbroken.

It's like they don't really think you will leave.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 35
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 7:50:50 PM
It's like they don't really think you will leave.

BINGO
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 36
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 7:54:51 PM
It's said that hurt people hurt... and blessed people bless.

I personally think that is a choice... unfortunately in the self absobed instant gratification society that we live in people choose to be hurt (victim mentality) and to inflict as much on others as possible in the process... Vicious cyle
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 37
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 8:08:17 PM
Your question has a problem to it.

Your asking how "they"can justify it.
In their minds, there's nothing to justify.
They see no problem with what went down.

I think the main answer is inmaturity.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 38
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 8:09:46 PM

There are always warnings. I actually sat my partner down and said I have one foot out the door. He didn't believe me, so I left. He claimed to be heartbroken.

It's like they don't really think you will leave.


This is exactly how my first husband reacted way back when...he KNEW he wasn't treating me with any love or respect and didn't spend any time with me - he knew I was unhappy with the situation but told me "tough sh!t, I'm going to do what I want". I tried to get him to go to counseling and he said he didn't have any problems, it was me who had the problems so I ought to go. Well, I knew there was no use in going by myself because that wouldn't change his attitude. For two of the four years that we were married, he goaded me and told me that I couldn't divorce him because I'd never make it on my own, I was naive, etc. etc.

I finally decided that I would be better off without him no matter what it took - I went out and got a 2nd job to better support myself, and filed for divorce. The day I came home from work and told him I'd filed the papers, he acted as though he was completely shocked and had no idea it was coming.

Our divorce set off a chain reaction in his family. Within a year, his mother and two cousins left their husbands because they couldn't take any more similar treatment from those guys. After that, I think my ex began to see the light...

So yes, there are always red flags - some big enough for everyone else to see but the "blindsided" partner.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 39
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 8:32:53 PM
I've read all the responses so far, and what I find somewhat boggling is that every response seems to be from the personal history of the person giving it. There really are people, both men and women, who give no warning whatsoever. They aren't quite sociopaths, but close - very close. If they decide something bothers them, they are so gone it's like watching a vanishing act. They take no one else into consideeration. There are NO warnings, they are just gone - or they insist the partner - non-partner at that point - get out immediately.

There are occasionally times I wish I'd lived in your worlds, but most of the time I'm glad I haven't.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 40
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 9:16:37 PM

Gwen:
To clarify, asking for communication and such is not being greedy. I meant that we as humans in today's world want everything we see. Like someone that seeks out a relationship outside of marriage. Or perhaps someone that lives beyond their means and spends more time working at their career than spending time with their spouse. Yes divorce can be difficult and costly. Ours was not as we settled our affairs ourselves, amicably and with low cost. We did have mutual respect as a shared quality :)


Not all people want "everything" that they see, but if they do, it is not specific to today's world. People have always had affairs, but they didn't always get divorced because it was not socially accepted nor did religion allow it. Some people divorce because they think that they have found someone better, but not all do. Or if they do think they have found someone who will make them happy, something is inherently wrong in the marriage that they are leaving. They may find out that putting their happiness in the hands of other people is a mistake, but some are happier with another mate.

I was not saying that divorce is hard because of the financial cost: I meant that it is hard because of the emotional cost. For me, it was not emotionally difficult to leave my ex because in reality, I had "divorced" him years before I left, but it was hard on him and it was hard on my sons.


It's said that hurt people hurt... and blessed people bless.

I personally think that is a choice... unfortunately in the self absobed instant gratification society that we live in people choose to be hurt (victim mentality) and to inflict as much on others as possible in the process... Vicious cyle


People also hurt others because some times, there is no way out but to do so. Mature people do not inflict pain on others simply because they want those people to suffer, but because it is necessary in order to get out of a situation that is smothering. I could have stayed in my marriage at the expense of MY well-bring and happiness, but I chose myself over my ex. I could be miserable for the rest of my life or I could seek happiness--I choose the latter.

Instant gratification? Do you call staying in a marriage for 25 years trying to make it work and then leaving "instant" gratification? I know many women AND men who did the same as I did. It wasn't about hurting someone else: it was about saving ourselves.

Judge not lest ye be so judged: you don't have the ability to make such a blanket statement about ALL people--or even most people--and proclaim it as "truth" because you have no idea about the circumstances of most people.


There really are people, both men and women, who give no warning whatsoever. They aren't quite sociopaths,


This is very likely true, but it doesn't apply to the majority of people. The OP gave anecdotal evidence--we responded with anecdotal evidence.
 AngelofHonesty
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 41
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 9:34:35 PM
Hey you are bitter and probable justifiably so but hey it's a chance whenever you get in a relationship with anyone! I find that usually if someone does EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING for someone, they will usually get hurt because there's no challenge, there's no adventure, there's no fight( and I don't mean physically), and who wants to be with a someone like that, not me. Yes I want a honest, respectable, gentlman, but not a wuss, I like my man to carry his own balls thank you very much! Sorry for your pain but grow a pair and dont' give them to your girl, you will see it will be a better relationship!
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 42
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 1:18:57 AM
Decent men date decent women!!
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 43
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 3:00:57 AM
At my ripe old age I have learned that TOO many people get married for all the WRONG reasons in the first place. I was one of them. Unreal physical chemistry.....screwing each other half to death.

Get to know your partner BEFORE you get married. Life can become quite miserable if you wake up one morning and realize that you really don't like the person that you are married to.

When that happens...walls go up....people stop communicating.......sex gets lousy......and things spiral downhill.

It's how each individual (man or woman) handles things from there is what creates the worst horror stories.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 44
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 3:31:01 AM
I have a generic query

No you don't. You have a limp straw man argument on a mission from hell.


How can these women justify their actions?

After that example of calculated bitching that you just posted, I'd have no remorse about leaving either. People who are that manipulative shouldn't be able to poison anyone else's lives but their own.


Not a question of "without warning" as much as it is a question of being oblivous to your surroundings.
 onceagain57
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 45
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 4:41:36 AM
Happens all the time...sooo much self satisfaction going on and no allegiance......see it all the time mostly with the young crowd tho....really too bad!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 46
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 5:47:29 AM

Decent men date decent women!!


Not always--I have seen "decent" men pair themselves with women who take advantage of them and treat them badly. I have seen "decent" women do the same.

And who defines "decent"?

How does this apply to the topic? Did I miss something?


At my ripe old age I have learned that TOO many people get married for all the WRONG reasons in the first place.


Some also marry too young--when they grow up, they find that their partner simply isn't whom they want to be with for the rest of their lives.


see it all the time mostly with the young crowd tho....really too bad!


I have known quite a few "old" couples who have experienced this.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 47
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:47:11 AM
I thought more about this last night and I do know men that either went through or are in the process of a divorce, and 'blind sided' was a phrase they all used. But I then recalled short conversations, remembered family get togethers where other people saw things and commented and when you put all of the facts together these guys would have had to have been deaf, dumb and blind not to see that their relationships were just awful.

The commonalities were no sex, separate bedrooms and the partner basically treating them as an unwanted roommate for years. Yet every guy claimed to be completely surprised.
It also seemed that they had a far worse time coping with the changes that came after the divorce then anyone else I know. Could the fear and personal inability to deal with life's curve balls be the actual problem? These guys went through the 'why me I am such a nice guy' routine for two years after the papers were signed.

My family saw these divorces coming from a mile away yet the men refused to listen to counsel and accept friendly support for years.

One guy-was told by numerous family members not to marry, because the woman was the polar opposite of what he claimed to have been looking for for years. She was not of the same religion, could not have children and had a habit of lying.
Guy Two- slept in a guest room for 2 years while his wife had a male friend she frequently socialized with alone
Guy 3- slept on a couch for 3 years
Guy 4- also was a multi year couch surfer whose wife had revealed herself to be a lesbian after 10 years of marriage. He realised his marriage was over....when she moved out.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 48
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:49:54 AM
There is no such thing as "blind sided".....Like what was said, there are always situations in the past that if this does happen, it wouldn't come as a surprise...I don't buy the "blind sided" comment at all!
 Julietsdestiny
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 49
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:32:58 AM
I would do anything and everything for you.....Famous last word's.....Usually spoken by a person who has a short memory and forget's what the other person has done for them.
My ex went around telling friends that HE did everything for me.....Bought me a dryer and put it on the wall, cooked the occassional meal, bought me a chest of drawers that he knew I loved.
What he didn't tell our friend's was that he never took me out, didn't mention the fact that I cleaned his apartment when he moved out, put him and his young son up in my home for five week's free of charge, and that HE dumped me when my father passed away because I wasn't paying him enough attention.
Nobody leaves someone FOR NO REASON.
Being TOO nice is a reason. Too nice = insecure , clingy, paranoid, Drama Kingy.
There is alway's a reason for a partner to become an ex and you need to look beneath the sugar coating and find out what the reason is.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 50
without warning
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:38:44 AM
"women are supposed to do this for the man they love, even if he doesn't love them...."

Who made such rule? That's not right.

IMO, women and men, men and women are supposed to love and respect each other the same.
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