Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 milkmoney2012
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 41
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I don't know man. I'm in the same boat you are. There's some good advice here but chances are your doomed. At least that how I feel about myself. Who know though everybody s different. Maybe you'll have better luck.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 45
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 4/7/2012 9:36:27 PM
dude you are not DOOMED. we are in our 30s but so what? i learned not to put all one's hopes on a single person or thing. happiness comes from the inside and not from external sources. If we keep a positive mindset, we will be happy no matter what. but if we rely on someone for happiness, i.e. like when you do find someone and fall in love with her but let say she falls out of love and ends the relationship in the future-- so then will you feel broken and devastated and give up on life? No. of course not! don't think like that. If u develop a positive mindset it will spill positivity into every aspect of your life-- i.e. being a gogetter personality-> eat healthy & exercise-> better performance @ work, better yourself by taking new hobbies, ->good mood-> friendliness-> volunteer work->circle of friends expand-> people will notice you -> more options in dating & relationship.

your mind is clouded right now but with the right positive mindset, life will be ok. never give up on yourself and count your blessings. you are 31, and like me, we have a long way to go in life-- we are still young. remember-- life is a work in progress and we all can change for the better.

for me, i love to do yoga and meditate to stay focused.

peace my brother.

=0)
 ekw1234
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 51
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 4/25/2012 11:15:48 PM
Why are people equating people having had relationships, by the time they are thin their thirties with promiscuity, apples and oranges, man. Just because one has sex before, lots of it does not mean they are promiscuous. It means that they have formed relationships and have formed social bonds before. It is easy to point fingers and diminish other people to down play your own inadequacies, but, in the end it does not matter what everyone else is doing, you gotta work on your own self. Learn how to relate to women in a healthy safe manner and hopefully you get to enjoy these relationships. I just broke up with a man who did not have any sex until he was 27 and it was a nightmare. He wanted to go out all the time and show all his friends that he did have someone. He tried to dry hump me on the dance floor and would often try to get me to hang out with his ex. When we were alone, he could not give me any affection, no hugs hardly any kisses and barely any sex. When I tried to tell him what I needed from him, he wilted, like it was the worst thing he ever heard, and accused me of being mean. When I left his apartment to go back to mine he would accuse me of abandoning him, used that word, abandon. Clearly had an attachment disorder and would not hear of it nor would he seek help. After doing some research I learned that, without professional help this type of disorder cannot be reversed and these people can never have normal relationships. I am not saying that is what you have, but, see someone about it, they can help you with this. You will be much happier and your life will be much more fulfiling in general. Good luck to you.
 JM___1980
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 52
view profile
History
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 4/26/2012 10:06:33 AM
No I wouldn't lie either, at the end of the day if you say you've had lots of relationships then that might be a turn off also as the woman in question might see you as a player and be put off by that too.

Myself I'm 32 now and up until last year had only dated two ladies since I left school, like another poster said I was busy trying to make myself somewhere near the man that I wanted to be, I'll never be content but right now things are ok in my world and although I feel it is later than some would have started for me it had to be this way and as hard as it might be I'd rather end up in a relationship about now than in years gone by when it wasn't really something that I wanted.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 63
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 5/15/2012 7:21:41 PM
Most of my dating experience are mainly from these few years. When I was a teenager, I had anxiety and hide when girls who liked me from my school would look for me and i would literally run away, and they would laugh. I didn't date during high school even though there were girls that liked me, i was fighting depression. My major heartbreak was when i was like 20 years old and went out with this woman and after a year we broke up and she devastated me and i was so hurt i didn't feel like dating for about a 10 years.

When i moved to new york and decide to socialize and put myself out there i started dating again and was met with some success. You guys just got to find chances to put yourselves out there in social settings. If there is a will, there is a way.

What I am trying to say is that they are women who aren't as judgmental and would give guys a chance and it is easier meeting them in person in social events or church or even maybe meetup.com than on a dating website.

I am currently single but i don't feel lonely because i still got friends and family that care about me and realize the world has about 7 billion people-- so no one is really alone. I am about to start school in late summer and will fill my spare time with hobbies i love-- like learning more guitar and possibly taking courses in programmng for iOS. I don't know if you guys know this but it is the norm now for people in their 30s to be single and a lot of people marry later or not at all. My happiness isn't defined by another person or thing but by how i choose to perceive the world and living my life to the fullest and pursuing my passions and dreams such as my goal to be a computer technician (which i am going to study for) or possibly an I.T. person (requiring further studies) but i love it and i love tech and acted as a computer consultant for family and friends and taught computer classes for volunteer work and now i want to take it up a notch.

don't think negative my brothers, think positive. Positive attitude attract positive things resulting in positive outcomes. "Never give up, never surrender!" -- a quote i like from the movie, Galaxy Quest.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 65
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 5/15/2012 9:39:14 PM
This is Sunriseguy's brother. He showed me this thread and I just wanted to add some input.

I wanted to address the OP's question. Are you doomed due to your inexperience? I smile as I'm typing this because I feel like I felt like this not too long ago. I think it's normal to feel this way. I can reassure you that you are not doomed because of your inexperience. Doomed is a strong word. If you're anything like me, you probably want to find the love of your life to complete you, to hold you, to look forward to being with everyday and to tell you everything is ok. I remember feeling empty because I didn't have a partner at my side to love and cherish. You've probably had married friends or friends with a gf/bf tell you that you're luck you're unattached and you get to do what you like, but you don't feel lucky at all. I think you deserve to be happy and you are good enough to find a gf to make you happy, but it's finding the right gf that matters.

So how do you find a good gf? Using an online dating site is a good start. I found my gf on one too. There was another poster that stated that women some how knew guys didn't have a gf before and that was a big turnoff. That poster was partially true. The girls don't know you don't have a gf, they just know you feel uncomfortable and when you're nervous, it's very hard to have a conversation and it makes them uncomfortable too. I've found that girls really don't care if you haven't dated before, if you're really rich, if you're not well endowed or whatever other insecurities people have. If a girl likes you for you and you guys have really good conversation, that stuff won't matter. You're probably wondering how you get there though. I've read up on a lot of dating books and social interaction and these are some things that have helped me:

1) Be confident
It's easier said than done, but as years have gone by, I've learned to full accept my short comings and acknowledge my strengths. It may sound cliche, but I know myself a lot more than I did and it was from truly taking a deep look inside myself and seeing who I am and what I like and dislike about myself. I've come to really appreciate the things I like about myself and try to continue to cultivate that attribute. I've come to realize that I can change somethings that I dislike myself, such as becoming more fit, learning to socialize and communicate better, and finding things that I find fun and actually doing it instead of always holding off on it. I've learned to never close doors and be a more open person. I've learned to manage my emotions and understand how others feel and not be too critical with myself. It's often very comforting knowing that you are not the only person going through the difficult times and normalizes the experience when you realize others are going through the same thing you are going through. I've learned to accept failure and acknowledge that it hurts, but to keep trying and as a result, I have a new found sense of pride because I feel more empowered. I've gone to therapy and read self help books, but only by actively living life and apply the things I learned did I finally feel empowered, which lead to me being a more confident person. I'm not saying I don't have insecurities. I still do, they are much weaker and fewer in number and I'm okay with that because I am a work in progress and I'm happy with the progress I've made.

2) Make them comfortable
It is normal for guys with limited dating experience to feel uncomfortable and it is very hard to make the girl comfortable when you are not. The more you date and the more experience you get, the more comfortable you'll get. This is just the way things are. Everybody will have to go through their trial and tribulations and feelings will get hurt. Sometimes you'll get hurt, sometimes she'll get hurt, and sometimes you'll both hurt. Don't be reckless with others hearts and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours, but know it is part of the dating game. People are often too sensitive and take thing personally when things don't go the way they want it to. Dating is like a battlefield. Go in knowing this to minimize the hurt.

Once you're not as nervous, you need to know how to get to the point where you can see if there is chemistry. As a shy guy, it is often very hard to get to that point and we're either silent or just do the answer question game where we ask questions that don't really lead anywhere. Having better communication skills will help. See below.

3) Improve your communication skills and learn to read social cues
When starting a conversation, it's always nice to start off with a compliment. Don't complement the physical looks, but complement her on her style, her taste in music, her intelligence and so on. This is a genuine compliment and it makes the girl feel that you are interested in them and not just their body. AS you guys start talking, try to find out more about the girl you're talking to. Some good things that worked for me is find out what she does for fun, what does she do in her free time or some silly questions like if she's heard of a bucket list and what is on her bucket list or if she had to be a marvel super hero, who would she be, etc. Never apologize for being who you are (nerd, hefty). If you hear something cool, complement her. If you hear something not so cool, don't focus on it. Make her laugh, but don't over do it. Listen to what she has to say, relate it to yourself or an experience that you or somebody you know and then go with it and transition to another topic when the conversation starts to slow down. Don't talk about too serious stuff too much. Alternate between light, medium and a little bit of heavy conversation. When the relationship gets deeper, thats when you can share more.

If a girl laughs its a good sign. If she smiles, its a good sign. If she touches you on the arm or shoulders or legs, its a good sign. If she punches you or calls you a dork, its a good sign. You usually won't hold hands or kiss on the first date, but a hug is ok. If you're nervous, she'll be nervous, so you have to be calm. Remember, if you get an uncomfortable hug, you aren't going to get a kiss. If you squeeze her softly when hugging and she squeezes back, its a good sign. If after you hug and you gaze deep into her eyes and she gazes back, go in half way if you feel comfortable. If she meets you, then you guys will kiss. If she doesn't after two seconds, tell her that you have something serious to tell her and then pause and stare her seriously in the eyes and tell her something random like you have some good news...you got a letter today that says you may already be a winner. She should giggle or she'll think you're weird.

Well, that is just my 2 cents. Life is a journey. Don't live it passively. Empower yourselves and live it to your maximum potential. May all of you be happy and find the love of your lives and get married make make beautiful babies. Namaste.

-J
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 67
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 8/31/2012 6:40:17 AM

You say it's ok to fail, So, I learn from my faillures, Maybe I did not fail enough... Maybe I still have to learn (of course) a lot, And, Maybe I lack a bit of confidence... But, The only woman I really wanted to kiss, I was in fear that She did not like me and I wanted her in my life any way... I was in fear that, If I did the step that would be... Say, The end with her... Now, I am the friend... maybe with a little more experiences I could have read her better...


Dude, I am proud of you. Finally somebody who instead of wallowing in their self deprecation and giving up, decides to persist, decides to continue.

We learn from our failures. Notice that on each of those dates, you leaned something, you gained a little confidence, communicated a little better and moved the ball a bit forward. So good job, you are on the right track.

I would like to give you this piece of advice. When on a date, you do not want to come across as "just friend". If you do that, a woman immediately will place you in a place that you will never get out of it. Realize that they are there for a reason, not to find a friend, but to find a potential relationship. A relationship means also intimacy at some point. It means "liking" each other, it means wanting to make love to that person at some point. You do not need to rush that, but you need to create sexual tension right away from the first moment you meet them. The reality is that it hurts them when they have to tell you that they see you only as a friend, because that it not the way the felt before they met you. They wanted it to create the right feeling in them, you just didn't know how to create that feeling. Now the reality is that if you are some hot dude, you can create that feeling on them even if you do something negative. But for the rest of us, it's something we stumble upon or learn it. These are learned behaviors that trigger things in our subconscious mind.

So this is what you need to do. When on the date, whether is coffee or drinks, sit either at a bar or a 45% table or couches. That means that you are in close proximity, and will allow you to look close at each other, but also to look away, plus you are able to touch hands. Now you are more than likely a very shy person. But have you ever touched a member of your family on their shoulder, elbow, hand to indicate something, or pay attention to something. Yes? Place that image in your head and remember some of the times that you have done that. Did it make you feel any strange. No? That is the whole point. It was natural and it didn't bother them or you. This is what we are talking about here. While you are talking to this person. On occasion you touch them in places that are totally non sexual.
This is what is going on. All humans have a protective space. Some cultures that space is very close, others about a foot away from our bodies. Any body that enters that space, creates a slightly warning sign, that immediately tells us, this is okay, or this is not okay. When you touched the woman, if her inner voice tells her that it's not okay, she will pull slightly back, if she likes you she will allow the touch and actually welcome it. That is how you start sexual attraction. But if that works, you need to then pull back slightly, that is give her the chance through non verbal communication to enter your personal space and touch you. I call this a ping. Because what is required is not that you touch the woman, but that after you have touched her, she reciprocates a forward move towards you. She may be shy and may not in a million years touch you, but her body language suddenly moves forward and becomes more attentive to what you say, and you spend more time in eye contact.

Anyway, these are simple things that you can do, that are not disrespectful, and that even the shyest of the shy can practice and do without fear of rejection. Realize that this is a non-verbal dialogue, so if she does not respond, wait a couple of minutes, do something else that touches, move back and if nothing happen, you realize that she may not be that interested, then pull back a little and let her be the one that initiates. In the mean time, enjoy, do not change your behavior as if something was wrong. And enjoy the encounter.
 DTC1999
Joined: 2/21/2009
Msg: 68
view profile
History
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 8/31/2012 10:07:38 AM
ok the OP states that you recently had four dates and every single woman didn't want a second date because you are a Virgin?

My only question is why the f--- are you even telling them that?? No woman I ever dated ever asked me how much experience I had during the first date, so I can't even think of how they would come to know this info.. You must be telling them this during the first date, and of course they are feeling weirded out because of this.. First dates are awkward enough and talking about anything to do with sex (or lack thereof) isn't going to help one bit.. I can't believe you couldn't pick up on this after four dates..

The rule that you don't talk about your Ex's on a first date also applies that you don't talk about the fact that you don't have any Ex's.
 livingwithadog
Joined: 7/11/2011
Msg: 69
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 8/31/2012 5:20:38 PM

I don't know who is Neil Strauss, But, I will try and find something to read of him...

I don't know Neil Strauss either, but keep in mind that books of these types—basically how-to books for dating, etc—are simply the author's opinion, and not necessarily what "works" or based on facts.

... maybe with a little more experiences I could have read her better...

Reading people is tricky. What you 'read' into someone may not be what their intent, or desire, is—its only what you think they're trying to convey. Best to ask for clarification, be clear... discuss things, particularly if you've got questions. Ask. Always ask for clarification is my advice.

... I was in fear that she did not like me and I wanted her in my life any way..; I was in fear that...

Fear will cripple your life if you give in to it. Work on overcoming those fears and you will strengthen your confidence... which, in turn, ought to help you gain more experience. You can do it.
 livingwithadog
Joined: 7/11/2011
Msg: 70
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 8/31/2012 5:37:23 PM
I wonder? Does Mr. Celibate's attitude reflect his choice of username..? I do agree with some of his post in that if you want someone, go for it; if they don't want you, yes, try to find peace with that, which is their decision to make.
PS: I'd try not to play any games with people, but that's just me.
 Sunny_1971
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 71
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 8/31/2012 11:42:26 PM
No, you are not doomed. I firmly believe there is someone out there for everyone, sometimes is takes a while to find them. A couple of years ago, I also refused a second date with a very nice, but painfully shy guy who lacked physical experience with a woman. My reasons were not so much for his lack of experience, but for his extreme shyness. He barely said ten words to me during the hour we ate out. I also felt that his first time should be with someone he cared deeply for and not tossed away on someone he just met online. I would have continued dating him had it not been for his challenged social skills and lack of first date etiquette. As a word of advice, I wouldn't bring up your lack of experience on your profile or the first couple of dates. Most women are attracted to a self-confident guy (or one pretenting to be). When you find that woman to physically pursue things with, there will be ample time for a discussion. Set the hook before you try and reel them in with premature, open confessions. You WILL find that special lady. All the best to ya.
 AnnB72
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 74
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 9/11/2012 8:27:28 PM
OP:
I was a 'late bloomer', too. I dated a guy at that time who, when I told him I was still a virgin, told me I needed to "Fix" that, lol! I dumped him.
Although it may send some packing, it will not send them all packing. There will be women who can appreciate your past and want to be part of your future.
As others have said, nothing wrong with being honest about it; just no need to advertise it.
 booserinc
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 75
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 9/12/2012 4:40:11 PM
Like others have stated. Just don't let it bring you down. It's not the worst thing in the word and confidence is key. If someone wants to talk about it during a date it doesn't have to be the whole convo. Simply let them know why. You have your reasons. Maybe it's finishing college, starting a career or buying a house. If your reasons are good they will only help your cause making you look better in the date. Just remember on any date be confident, BE YOURSELF and go with the flow. If that doesnt work then they simply just arent interested.

Hope some of this helps man!
 webmdtech
Joined: 12/5/2008
Msg: 79
view profile
History
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 9/30/2012 8:16:24 PM
Don't listen to this nonsence. I got a solution to your problem man, no joke! Two words - Russian Women. I personally know a bunch of russian chicks that would love to marry an American or Canadian in your case. I would even translate the letters for you. If you don't like the ones i know, just go over there yourself, I know a lot of american guys went there on these special tours, you get to meet like 50 new girls every night, you will be literally mobed by women, just take your pick. You will loose your virginity before you come back to homeland Guranteed!
 lightningman1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 80
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 9/30/2012 8:42:23 PM
Well if it makes you feel any better i am 36yrs have not even had 1 girlfriend my whole life what do you think my parents think??????Loser
hehehe

I still enjoy life we can not all be brad pitts of the world some of us have to be tard with the ugly stick.
There is a lot worse off people in the world then us.
Always look on the bright side of life.........
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 81
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 12/21/2012 9:42:30 PM
I am approaching 40; never been in a relationship and a virgin. Trust me I've tried. It is just the way the ball bounces. I think to judge a person negatively by not having been in a relationship is full of s%4t! Should I judge someone as not being ready for a relationship with a long past of bad relationships. No! I wish people would stop judging people before they knew the facts and instead actually get to know that person.
OP- I'd say it is a tough road ahead, but there is always a chance. Honesty, honesty, honesty is the best policy, and if they can't get that; F*&k em'.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 82
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 12/23/2012 9:36:25 PM
merry christmas to all the posters. Hey, keep your spirits up! Don't give up and just be! Keep putting yourself out there and be optimistic 'cause everyone is bound to meet someone special. It is good to have hope.
 GerHer
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 84
view profile
History
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 1/12/2013 2:26:33 AM
keep dating, you are getting experience! I had my 1st girlfriend at 39 and it was awesome, a real woman and don't regret it. sometimes it pays to wait.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 87
view profile
History
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 1/26/2013 8:24:03 PM
You're not doomed at all.
You are a young man at 31. Most people would murder to be that age again. :)
Just enjoy yourself, man. Meet women, but don't feel pressured to get a girlfriend.

There isn't any expiration date on anyone.
You're a good looking chap and it seems like you got a lot to offer the right one.
Have fun with it and just enjoy life.
 koski456
Joined: 1/3/2013
Msg: 89
31 YO... Am I Doomed By My non experience?
Posted: 1/27/2013 4:00:35 PM
Judging by all the replies there are alot of people in your situation.

When you find the right girl, all of your non-experience will not matter and if it does, she's obviously not for you. I didn't start dating till i was 25 and the girl i first dated wasn't that experienced either (she was 24)... A late bloomer of sorts I guess but that's life

It's not easy trying to find the right person and until you do then keep the faith.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  >