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 AUTHOR
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 178
Way Too MuchPage 8 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

I have been quite clear on the distinction between the OP's situation of her stalker-ish guy whom she has met ... and a warning for the need to be vigilant of lurkers (whom they will never meet) preying upon people's trust with exaggerated adoration to establish rapport in order to exploit them at random opportunities. Nowhere was I drawing parallels. As I've said ... you reasoning skills need improvement.


You need to stop your attempt to hijack the OP's thread under the guise of warning her against "lurkers" she will never meet, and using it as a platform to spew your vitriol. Your posting history clearly shows you were the one rejected or you wouldn't keep trying to "warn" others for years about this person. Healthy people move on, and it's clear you can't---and I'm quite certain this woman moved on long ago. Only someone inexperienced in relating with others would be this vindictive.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 179
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 7:30:35 AM

how does one now claim that "I'm sorry,,i could not get to the phone to answer you"

Last time I looked land lines were still in existence (yeah, I've just checked, there's still a dialing tone) and mobiles not only can be switched off, but by necessity must be switched off at times, like when you're in work, or class, or a meeting - y'know, that busy thing.

Personally, I never answer the phone when I'm using the lavatory, either. I'm old fashioned like that, y'know, click...errrr hhuh...splish!...Hi...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 180
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:45:40 AM

how does one now claim that "I'm sorry,,i could not get to the phone to answer you"

which use to work quite nicely,,,,,,,now it is absurd,,,so your saying you can't get to your pocket? your purse? your belt? your ear?(bluetooth)

i mean,,is there anything more annoying then calling someone who you KNOW is able to reach down and answer there phone!!! so the dynamic has changed from years ago,,excuses you use to use no longer apply and someone calling you 3 times a day,,is just annoyed that you do not have the time.

I don't care if I can answer it at any given moment. I'll pick it up when I feel like talking. I REFUSE to become a slave to my phone ringing. I'll answer a text quicker because it's less involved...believe it. I talk to people for a living, so when I'm off the clock, I'm off the clock. I'll only answer a phone if it's am emergency, or I want to talk at that moment.

Anyone I call gets the same courtesy. They talk if they feel like it, or call back when they do.

You go ahead and sit on your phone and answer every personal (and telemarketer, why not) call you get if that's your thing. Doesn't mean anyone else has to, or that they are somehow wrong if they don't.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 181
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:42:47 AM

how does one now claim that "I'm sorry,,i could not get to the phone to answer you"

Umm-perhaps one was passing a double-trailer Semi on the Xway at 80 mph? Would you want that person to answer that phone immediately-how about of one of your childrenwas a passenger in that car?

A person might be up to their elbows in dishwater, wallpaper paste, or bathing a pet-or a baby. One might be on the toilet and have accidentally left their cell phone on their desk. Perhaps someone is in the middle of changing a flat tire-or a conversation with a client or customer. One might be up on a ladder with paint-y hands.


your ear?(bluetooth)
perhaps they can't afford that technology-or perhaps they are in the middle of a conversation with a customer, a client, a child? Even with the bluetooth or other hands free technology-people who are driving on a highway at 70 mph should be paying attention to their DRIVING.


i mean,,is there anything more annoying then calling someone who you KNOW is able to reach down and answer there phone!!!
Yeah-there is. People who think that cell phones mean that the f*cking WORLD is obliged to answer their phone calls immediately!

The telephone-regardless of what form it is in- is meant to be a servant to it's owner, not the master of her or him.


so,,why are you ignoring me? and i call again.
I tell you what- it sometimes seems like a perverse LUXURY to not answer calls from people who think they own my time because I have a telephone.

Guys-let me share a little tidbit of info...I'm just an average jane, I'm not being bowled over by men wanting to get with me. But throughout my life, one of the near-certain ways for a guy to turn me off is to BADGER. If you call and leave a message, that's sufficient. I'm not OBLIGATED to immediately answer your phone call-because-oh, I don't know- I have a telephone and a vagina??

Now- if our interaction becomes of the quality where my failure to answer the phone means you should send the rescue squad-I will let you know that, Otherwise, if you keep blowing up my phone because I didn't answer immediately or call you back immediately-you are going to make yourself out to be needy, controlling,impatient, disrespectful of my time. Just exactly the kind of guy that I am not going to be interested in a relationship with. And I don't think I'm all that different than most women like myself. yes, gentlemen, it IS possible to "wear out your welcome" when beginning to date someone new. Pestering/badgering is a good way to do that.


Last time I looked land lines were still in existence (yeah, I've just checked, there's still a dialing tone) and mobiles not only can be switched off, but by necessity must be switched off at times, like when you're in work, or class, or a meeting -
Or in church, or in a medical facility- or racing in the Daytona 500,LOL-(for the record, Keselowski did NOT "tweet" until all the cars were stopped under a red flag.)
Again, I can understand where the OP is coming from-she decided to dial back on immediately answering the guys' phone calls, for WHATEVER reason-and instead of showing some patience and respect for her space, her time and the other obligations she has-the man started badgering. And now he has completely shot himself in the foot as far as continuing to date the OP.
Cindy O
 Jamesat40something
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 182
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 1:31:16 PM
i think most of you missed the point and took it literally,,,,i was talking about the cultural shift over all,,,the difference between how phone protocol use to be and what it is now,,,,

things have changed,,the same excuses/reasons you gave in the past for not answering your phone,,are no longer valid when all we see all day long

is people with their phones,,txting,playing.doing all sorts of things on todays smartphones...

and i was not being totally literal when i used my example,,,,,that was my interpretation of what "some" people might be thinking when they call you ,,fully knowing your cell phone is rapidly available,,and you either do not or more likely ,,will not answer your phone.....

i agree that your choice to answer or not is still your choice,,,,just don't try and tell me you can't get to your phone to do it,,,a cell phone is now the most carried and accessible piece of technology we have and one the biggest innovations in history,,,,

meaning,,,it will cause change,,,i was just examining one aspect of how it has changed us and our behavior,,,,,,i could be wrong,,,,these are just my observations
 pokerdaily
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 183
view profile
History
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 2:02:56 PM
Email him to leave you alone so you have some sort of record. If he persists go to the police.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 184
view profile
History
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 2:12:02 PM
i agree that your choice to answer or not is still your choice,,,,just don't try and tell me you can't get to your phone to do it,,,a cell phone is now the most carried and accessible piece of technology we have and one the biggest innovations in history,,,,


I, for one, am glad I don't have a cell phone. People have become conditioned like rats in an experiment gone wrong to think that just because a bell rings, you have to respond. I have an answering machine. If someone wants to leave a message to call them back, leave a message and I'll get back at a time convenient to me - I don't care who you are.

One has to wonder if in the OP's case the guy was leaving all kinds of messages or if she was just seeing his name come up on call display and refused to answer it. If the latter was the case, I'd give him even further slack because then he wouldn't be aware that he was bothering her and was assuming she simply wasn't there - hard to irritate someone if the belief is that they're not there to be irritated. On the other hand, if he was leaving messages with each non-answered call, I'd see my own irritation factor rising. Having said that, I'd answer at the point of being irritated and tell him just that, instead of allowing myself to contribute to the irritation. It isn't rocket science, just a simple matter of cause and effect.
 An a19
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 185
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 2:49:26 PM
I can identify with that.. I had a guy I had not even met yet.. we started messaging on here and than after about 6 messages he exchanged phone nos.. well he would call like 4 times a day.. I do have things to do and not always home.. One time I went to the movies with my daughter and he is from Ct. and I am from MA. will he called the Cinema to actually find out the time of the shows.. He didn't believe that the show I was going to was at 8 pm. I was appalled that he would even do that.. And like I said never met him.. Than he called and said how could you hurt me this way and on and on.. I finally told him I am so done that I told him when he called he called me every name under the sun and told him I didn't need to take that from him or anyonelse for that matter.. Never spoke to me again.. So tell him..
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 186
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 6:17:23 PM
ladyc4 –You are awesome! And yes, he left a message each time he called.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 187
view profile
History
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 6:45:02 PM
Would have been nice if we had gotten this info in the opening post. Aggravating.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 188
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:33:49 PM
How does an adult woman not nip the problem in the bud and tell him you are not interested in him and to no longer contact you.

Also if you dont have time to date, why be on a dating site. You are pretty harsh on him but you should be looking at why you dont stop it.

The childish thing is to ignore him. He's not a mind reader. Talk to him and stop it.
 GorditaCanada
Joined: 3/18/2012
Msg: 189
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/21/2012 7:18:52 PM
I would like to think after a few ignored phone calls or emails, most men would move on. One date isn't enough to get emotionally involved with someone to call that much.

In my case, if a guy doesn't respond after 2-3 days, I will message and ask how his day is going. If he doesn't respond again, then delete and move on.

It would appear this man has boundary issues, however, OP as an adult, you should also take the time to ask him to stop calling. Email is best - put it in writing in case you need it later. Save any reply.

He is wrong here, but you aren't entirely right.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 190
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 8:44:59 AM
The book The Gift of Fear (Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence) By Gavin de Becker has arrived in the post.

I've had a quick scan of the contents and the chapters include: Persistence, Persistence; Intimate Enemies; & "I Was Trying To Let Him Down Easy".

I've got to page 10 and thought this was interesting:

"Denial is an interesting and insidious effect. For all the peace of mind that deniers think they get by saying it isn't so, the fall they take when victimized is far, far greater than that of those who accept the possibility. Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level, and it causes a constant low-grade anxiety. Millions of people suffer that anxiety, and denial keeps them from taking action that could reduce the risks (and the worry)."

The premiss of the book appears to be that fear is a useful tool, violence is astoundingly prevalent in our society and we all have it within us to pick up signals that will protect us from violence. Recognising when fear is protecting us, enables us to survive.

I hope you see this, vibrantshe. I think I've just spent a mere 3 quid very well. It appears rational, empathetic, logical, philosophical and an easy, self-motivating read.
 Luke_Mason
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 191
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 8:57:26 AM
I thought it hilarious the OP claimed the mad caller had just called, yet she didn't have time to return a phone call yet had sufficient time to pose her reasons on this thread. I've experienced the exact same behavior multiple times while raising my daughters when they were teenagers. (excluding the dubious need to post on POF of course)

IMHO The quote below from Msg 139 Padawan61 is the true objective of this thread.


This would go on-and-on as an MO to seek validation, approval and sympathy from others.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 192
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 9:12:17 AM
This man may have gone overboard. But I wouldn't assume he is a stalker quite yet. Maybe he was overly excited or the last woman he talked to lost interest in him because she felt he didn't call her often enough. IMO the OP could have sent a quick text / email stating that she will return his call later and tell him that he didn't need to contact her quite as often. If he still kept calling the OP all of the time after this, then she should tell him that she was no longer interested.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 193
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 9:16:19 AM

I thought it hilarious the OP claimed the mad caller had just called, yet she didn't have time to return a phone call yet had sufficient time to pose her reasons on this thread. I've experienced the exact same behavior multiple times while raising my daughters when they were teenagers. (excluding the dubious need to post on POF of course)

IMHO The quote below from Msg 139 Padawan61 is the true objective of this thread.

This would go on-and-on as an MO to seek validation, approval and sympathy from others.

Denying the OP's fear with a leap of logic that suits your own agenda is about as useful to her as a chocolate teapot.

Still, you had some hilarity at a frightened woman's expense, eh?
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 194
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 9:46:30 AM
Oh, fer crying in a bucket, Jac - we all now know that the OP misrepresented the situation from the beginning, and in this case she made a mountain out of a molehill. I'm not saying that stalkers don't exist (male AND female) nor do I think that women shouldn't be cautious - I'm cautious myself. But in this case, the OP has shown that she's looking for attention. And she got it.


hilarity at a frightened woman's expense

Neither the OP nor you can control the reaction of other posters, but I didn't see any hilarity at her expense, anyway.


a leap of logic that suits your own agenda

Pot, meet kettle.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 195
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 10:25:06 AM

we all now know that the OP misrepresented the situation from the beginning,

No, I don't know that. Please don't include me. That's misrepresentation.

and in this case she made a mountain out of a molehill.

So, you can guarantee it was safe for her to continue seeing this man and you'd be happy to take full responsibility should anything have happened to her at his hands, even though your weren't there, do not know the full deatils and appear to be working upon supposition that ignores some of the information given in the thread?

Personally, I think she had good reason to be frightened. As one poster so eloquently put it, he'd weirded her out by being OTT. Couple that with the murder of her friend within a dating scenario and the fact that she resides in a place that I believe has a high violent crime rate. Telling her to not have the feelings she has is illogical on many levels.

The extent of the fear was not the primary issue. The primary issue was to resolve the situation in a manner that she was comfortable with. She has done this.

The secondary issue is the extent of the fear and deciding how realistic, functional, or comfortable that was for her. The solution to this, now the primary fear has been (hopefully) resolved, to my mind lies in her trusting her ability to avoid violence and survive. There has been a book recommendation that I took and have given some feedback so far (see above).

As trusting your ability to avoid violence and survive relies on the instinct of fear, to deny her fear is dysfunctional. It just suits your rationale to do that, it doesn't make you less dysfunctional.

the OP has shown that she's looking for attention.

Anyone who creates a thread looking for feedback and advice for a problem is looking for attention. If they didn't want any replies, they wouldn't do the thread.

Pot, meet kettle.

Absolutely, I have an agenda.

That agenda is to be of some use to a frightened woman in an effective manner and hopefully, learn a thing, or two while I'm here.

Vibrantshe has expressed that my posts and the posts of many others have been useful to her and she came to a decision to effect resolution of her problem: Check.

I have learned some things: Check.

What did you get out of it other than the pleasure of criticising vibrantshe when she felt vulnerable, oh fer crying in a bucket, Vixen?
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 196
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 10:34:32 AM
This post is killing me with all the paranoia and knee jerk reactions. SOOOO MUCH DRAMA!!! Makes me really thankful for my dog!


I didn’t think I needed to specify how many time he should call me in a 24 hour period without giving me the “willies”.


No... that wouldn't be necessary up front... but surely BEFORE it got to the point that you were going to cease communication entirely with him... and write a post that has him a raping murderer.

I know... not YOUR words... but the bottom line is you didn't care enough about the guy as a fellow human being to tell him when and why you were being uncomfortable period

Some people would rather be alone than communicate openly and honestly.


I've read the whole thread top to bottom and have to say that the OP has a problem communicating.


Yeah...


a controlling, obsessive person who wouldn’t leave them alone.


Maybe... if you had just answered the phone you may have found someone who was very sweet, lonely, in search of great love and considered you an equal? But you'll never know for sure huh? Talk about jumping to conclusions?!?


I just threw my phone into a river yesterday,for fear if I use it and make more than one call to a person in a day I will be defined as a stalker,potential murderer and have poster of my handsome face plastered around this country of mine.


Thanks Walts I really needed a laugh by this point in this post... and that was just so real!?! I may join you! Thanks again!

OP... I'm beginning to think that you and Jac should meet up? lol ;-) But then you'd probably both end up looking at the phone wondering why the other never calls? haha
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 197
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 11:12:36 AM
This post is killing me with all the paranoia and knee jerk reactions. SOOOO MUCH DRAMA!!! Makes me really thankful for my dog!

Right?????????????? I couldn't agree more!


a controlling, obsessive person who wouldn’t leave them alone.

Maybe... if you had just answered the phone you may have found someone who was very sweet, lonely, in search of great love and considered you an equal? But you'll never know for sure huh? Talk about jumping to conclusions?!?

Exactly. And let's not forget that when on her time, the calls were answered and communication was happening ~ until SHE decided not to do so anymore. (Which she should have stated to the calling party rather than posting the benign situation here.)

OP... I'm beginning to think that you and Jac should meet up? lol ;-) But then you'd probably both end up looking at the phone wondering why the other never calls? haha

**snicker**
Jac? You crossed-threads to me personally about his thread and now that I have time, I'll address you here, rather than breaking rules in the other thread. You perceived me as "harsh" in this thread, not because I am harsh to myself (which you think is a coping mechanism for me and my panic disorder) and the answer to that? NO. You didn't perceive me as harsh here, I have been harsh. No illusions, no pretending. It's not me being harsh to me, it's me being harsh to the victim mentality which this OP is exhibiting for whatever reason. I don't believe in "vicitm" mentality. It's self-defeating and based upon undo "fear." This particular OP has NO reason to "fear" this man. None. Zip. Zero reason to "fear" this person. 6 years ago, there was a gal here that some of us came to know, and she was here posting about her stalker (the REAL deal.) She was murdered two days after her last post here in forums. There is a HUGE difference between a few phone calls/texts and a stalker. I will not be fear-monger nor will I assist in promoting fear-based silliness where no danger exists. That is not empowering. What is empowering is to pick up the silly phone and tell John/Jane Doe that we just aren't that into him/her. This man spoke of by this particular OP was not a stalker, simply a man who was dissed without even common courtesy by this OP. This was a two parted problem ~ a women who didn't have the decency to say, "I had a good time, but I don't feel this is what will work for me." and a man who thought things were moving alone. Pretty simple stuff. Dating 101. Far from stalker and stalk-ee. JMO
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 198
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 11:17:56 AM
I've just remembered an incident from January 1st 2000.

I was walking on a rocky part of a beach with friends and our children. It was a little rough and we clearing our heads after a very late night (involving a little champagne) and keeping our children occupied at the same time.

I kept well back from the edge of the rocks with my small daughter, but one of the adventurous bigger boys was standing near the edge. 'Out of nowhere' I shouted to my friend, "Tony, get your boy away from the edge, now!" I couldn't see the sea from where I was standing, but just as Tony pulled his boy away, a massive wave hit the rocks soaking them. I have no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't acted upon my fear, there was every chance that boy would be dead.

As the wave hit, Tony looked at me and his eyes said, "How the fvck did you know?"

I looked away. I didn't know how I knew.

In retrospect, I'd been counting the wave patterns, first consciously out of curiosity and then subconsciously as a result, the motivation being my fear (forgive me if I believe the ocean is a big, powerful mother), the reason being to protect my child.

The waves were going in one primary pattern, something like two small ones, then a big one and then there was a pattern within the pattern if I remember correctly, but not entirely regular, of when the biggest ones would hit. I imagine another indicator was sound, as I couldn't see at that moment as I have said. I had subconsciously recognised the danger at that particular moment in time and had acted upon my fear which led to survival.

We all have this within us.

Whatever anyone's beliefs about the danger, or non-danger that the OP was in, something was telling her to get out of the way. Had Tony found my fear irrational and hilarious, there's every chance he would have been one son short of a family.

None of you have the right to tell vibrantshe she was wrong. If he was harmless, then he's just another fella who's blown his chances by not following reasonable dating etiquette. She gave him feedback by email when she said she didn't want contact anymore, so hopefully he can learn from his mistake. If he was potentially harmful, however, she's maybe just saved herself.

It did not matter if she has communication issues (as I said before, its often the case when stressed, or trying to be 'nice'). If she has found that communication is an issue for her, she can work on that on different levels if she chooses. Indeed her whole premiss of the thread was how she should communicate to him for optimum effect.

Those of you who wish to laugh at her and belittle her, you are certainly of no help whatsoever and if this book is anything to go by, you are potentially responsible for an awful lot of harm with actions like this.

Trusting your instinct is the very foundation of working with and upon your instinct is the very foundation of rational thought.


I don't believe in "vicitm" mentality. It's self-defeating and based upon undo "fear."

I'm sorry I crossed information regarding your panic attacks.

Did you read my precis and excerpt above?

I highly recommend the book.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 199
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 12:00:51 PM
and yes,,this was my experience once and all the thoughts i had ,,,,why isn't she answering when i know she has that phone next to her every minute of the day?????????????


Hmm, well, for me, I could be in a meeting for work, or I could be (as I was several months back) up balanced on the roof with a bucket of mortar rebuilding the top few courses of brick (and re-capping w/ concrete) the top of my chimney, or cleaning out the gutters, or the phone could quite simply be in the house on the charger while I'm outside mowing the lawn in the summer, or have a friend with his 24" chainsaw cutting the base of tree in my yard while I'm keeping a rope taught to help it fall in the right direction as the 1000+lb 22" dia (at the base) cherry tree comes crashing down in the yard... or, I could just simply have left the phone on the charger and be out mowing the lawn and can't hear it anyways. Or in simpler terms, *I COULD BE BUSY* doing something else, and I'm not your "Pavlov's dog" that jumps every time you "ring the bell".


she MUST be ignoring me it is the only logical conclusion,,,so,,why are you ignoring me? and i call again......see


And if you kept calling and calling, I would think they were friggen obsessive/possessive crazy and no matter how much I thought they were normal and liked them prior, they'd quickly go on the 'I'm tossing this one back in the pond' list. That's just quite simply really friggen annoying.

My rule of thumb is, you call and leave a message if they don't answer. Its their job to call back - if they do, it's all good, if they don't then they don't. Maybe try tomorrow. I have a life too, and mine goes on whether they answer or not, and if they never call back then I guess it wasn't meant to be - no great loss, life goes on. I think the OP was perfectly fine in her judgement - too much, too fast, which is NOT a good sign for the future, it is a sign of some big insecurity issues.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 200
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 12:19:37 PM
I don't know how true this is, I'm trusting my subconscious here again and I've not verified this in any way, but those who decry the drama, exaggeration and over-sensitivity in this thread/scenario, are the very one's most likely to use capitalization, hyperbole and over use punctuation (??????? !!!!!!) to get their point across.

I think there is not only an element of projecting drama as an accusation, it is to do with denied fear that people don't want to be made conscious of. To face acceptance of danger is to face our fears, which for some is too scary to contemplate.

However, its the very facing of those fears that dissipates them and frees us from fear.

I think de Becker has a very good point, when we deny fear, we're actually holding onto it to simmer away insidiously, ready to erupt into panic when faced with perceived dangers, whatever those dangers may be.

It strikes me as being a bit like alcohol dependency. Denial entraps someone in a coping strategy that's dysfunctional and destructive. Admission allows someone to examine that coping strategy and replace it with a healthier, more functional lifestyle.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 201
view profile
History
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 2:00:39 PM
I've been following this thread with interest but mostly in awe at the over-justification for fear mongering, as other posters have stated. The thread started as an annoyance at frequent calls after no indication that previous communication had been in any way threatening and, indeed, the OP was herself a previous frequent communicator by her own admission later on in the thread. There was no mention of messages being left that were threatening and no mention of messages being left at all until that was questioned. The annoyance turned to fear suddenly when others had expressed their own experiences with people who caused legitimate fear by either comments or actions by dates gone wrong.

She didn't have time for him because she wasn't totally enthused with him and was stringing him along by continuing to communicate. She gave him feedback by email instead of simply picking up the phone to begin with and saying she was no longer interested.


However, its the very facing of those fears that dissipates them and frees us from fear.


Her biggest fear was in facing her own discomfort at picking up the phone to state she was no longer interested. This whole thread took a huge twist out of embarrassment at not doing the adult thing in the first place and being called on it.


She gave him feedback by email when she said she didn't want contact anymore, so hopefully he can learn from his mistake. If he was potentially harmful, however, she's maybe just saved herself.


No, hopefully, she can learn from her mistake and get help for her unresolved trauma caused by her girlfriend's demise at the hands of a person who was a real threat. She has no business dipping her feet in the dating pond if her reactions are still so over the top if she, in fact, was fearful of this man, rather than simply annoyed. Otherwise she'll see danger lurking behind any attention that any man shows her.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 202
Way Too Much
Posted: 3/24/2012 2:34:00 PM
So the beat goes on...

I think most women approach dating with a certain concern for their safety. The 24 hour news cycle we live with, never reports on "woman had a nice date tonight, and is thrilled she went!", it's always the negative that drives the headlines.

As for guys on here, there is no way to measure the approach of the majority as to what they see acceptable, what they know is not, or even if they understand the subtle unspoken rules, of how this works.

Of course here in the forums, it's no different than the 24 hour news cycle. Few read the testimonial pages, fewer still post happy stories. Why would they? There was one recently about a woman who had met a man and had a "beautiful date", she encouraged others to participate in the joys of dates they had, had. The thread didn't run more than a page and a half, and STILL, many posted negative comments, despite her wish they didn't.

Now what has all this clap trap I just posted to do with the OP?

Dating, while approaching the process with fear, is to me, not a recipe for success. I don't damn the OP for having her fears, I just think this medium is hard enough on the ego, to bring extra baggage to the party seems a trial for both her and anyone she dates!

I wonder if she dated others, and they simply abided the unspoken rule of, well this isn't going anywhere, I'll just walk away. This one didn't, maybe he was "scary", we don't know, we don't know him or the OP. Perhaps he was just more persistent, than the others? That doesn't make him "scary", it may make him annoying or a pain in the azz, but nothing I read seemed to indicate he was doind anything but trying to get another date, after being put on hold for 2 weeks.

It would seem to me, dating with one foot out the door, due to fear would negate the appeal of trying to meet people online. The very nature of online involves meeting total strangers, how could one with a major fear issue, ever be comfortable in these circumstances?

So I go back to my original premise of the OP should stick to dating IRL. Yes it can be harder to meet people that way, yes there will be less of a selection than online meeting provides. The alternative for the OP, though is to have her fear button pushed everytime a stranger asks her for a date.


VVVV Your experience aside, this was a case of 3 calls in 24 hours. Trying to make all men look crazy, which seems to be your goal on these forums, just skews the issue. Anyone reading your posting history, can plainly see, you've never met ONE single good man. VVVVVVVV
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