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 Andromache
Joined: 12/9/2011
Msg: 87
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
No offense, OP but you sound like a real jerk. No, you have not done enough. You should go ahead and contact her yourself instead of passively waiting around or hoping the kid isn't yours. If it is your's, then what? You are both at fault here whether the kid ends up beings your's or not. Grow some balls and take care of your responsibilities. If you don't want to get any girl pregnant, get a vasectomy, wear a condom, have her on the pill.....alll three! Or else, shut up.

 --Zen--
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 88
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 1:38:05 AM
Well, maybe she wanted it. And someone gladly gave it to her. What matters now, is that a child needs a father.
Indeed so. Child needs to have both parents.
So let me get this straight. If she decides to play mommy it's hell or hight water and damn anyone who stands in a way?


Well, not if a man does not donate his baby batter. When a man can carry a pregnancy, give birth, go through post-partum blood loss like I did which required a D&C & a blood transfuion, he can then make a womans post-conception decisions.
But wait. She might have wanted it. What if he wants his sperm back? What no refund?

No one here is infringing on sanctity of female body. Her body, her right, her decisions. If she has made a decision to continue a pregnancy without a father or any means to support future child she should not have a right to any support. From anyone. I don't see how I can make my position on this any more clear.


Eh, i chew my nails & dont buy anything that is not wash & wear. Leaves me more time to rob sperm banks.
Understandable. Paternity fraud is a nerve wrecking issue.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 89
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 1:43:39 AM
I say he is not guilty as sex in itself is no crime (yet). If that innocent child is not his, what does it have to do with him? He does not owe that child anything unless it is his.

The mother is the one with multiple partners.

However, if that kid is his, he needs to do the right thing and be a man.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 90
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 3:34:57 AM
Some people should probably just not have sex at all...
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 91
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:25:49 AM
Adding to message 99: ...or reproduce!
 Goldentyga117
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 92
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:28:45 AM
The more i read these forums the more i'm convinced people are stupid ! maybe you people should read the WHOLE thread as opposed to just his opening comments...if you don't you just look ignorant and retarded. He has ALREADY SAID that IF IT'S HIS HE'LL STEP UP TO THE PLATE ! yet even THIS isn't good enough for everyone ?! wtf else do you want from him ?

I'm in FULL agreement with him on not supporting her during the pregnancy and not paying a cent for the baby up until he finds out what the deal is. I wouldn't either especially since she's dragging her ass to get the test done. I don't care what anyone says really if she REALLLLLLYYY wanted to know that badly then she would have got the test ASAP. Being tired with the baby isn't an excuse at all that's just bs. By all means he should be proactive about it if he really wants to clear his head about it but really she should be equally proactive.

Secondly the way she went about trying to get his last name to obviously just put on the birth certificate is just sneaky and speaks volumes about HER...i wouldn't trust her as far as i could throw her.

In my opinion she's the one who was WAY more irresponsible ! she had unprotected sex with TWO people ! Why is he being villified when he never said anything about him sleeping with other people ? why does she not have to take any responsibility for her actions ? she had WAY more contraceptive choices than him and CHOSE not to use them with TWO PEOPLE ! The OP isn't obligated to like single mothers so people who make that point are irrelevant.

My question is that he already said multiple times that he would step up and be a father if it turns out to be him wtf else do you people want ?
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 93
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:47:59 AM

Is this how you would want your father to act towards your mother?


I totally love this..I wish more people would think like this...

The world is becoming a place which the OP described, but where's the respect???

Respect for yourself, for the child you could have, and for the person you could have it with...It's a sad world out there...and i'd hate to be that kid! poor thing...
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 94
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 1:36:29 PM

In my opinion she's the one who was WAY more irresponsible ! she had unprotected sex with TWO people !


In my opinion....it's both of their faults because they both do not know wtf birth control is.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 95
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 2:25:32 PM

I'm in FULL agreement with him on not supporting her during the pregnancy and not paying a cent for the baby up until he finds out what the deal is. I wouldn't either especially since she's dragging her ass to get the test done. I don't care what anyone says really if she REALLLLLLYYY wanted to know that badly then she would have got the test ASAP. Being tired with the baby isn't an excuse at all that's just bs. By all means he should be proactive about it if he really wants to clear his head about it but really she should be equally proactive


If the Mom is not prioritizing finding out paternity, it makes perfect sense that the persons whose paternity is in question, would grab hold of he reins & get it done.


Secondly the way she went about trying to get his last name to obviously just put on the birth certificate is just sneaky and speaks volumes about HER...i wouldn't trust her as far as i could throw her.


Doesn't even matter. He has the legal right to obtain a paternity test before having child support enforced, & acknowledged as the father legally. However, if he does not get proactive & do this test ASAP, if he does turn out to have fathered the child, he will be ordered retroactive support since the time of birth. And if he cant come up with that lump payment? Loss of drivers liecense, possible jail time.........I dont know about you but i would not want to go to jail or lose my drivers license because i was waiting around on someone else to do something. Take your own best interests into your own hands!


In my opinion she's the one who was WAY more irresponsible ! she had unprotected sex with TWO people ! Why is he being villified when he never said anything about him sleeping with other people ?
And donating baby batter to someone who is sleeping with multiple people is the height of morale & responsiblity. Okaaaaaay.


why does she not have to take any responsibility for her actions ?


Apparently she did, She gestated & gave birth, & is obviously the childs solo caretaker.


she had WAY more contraceptive choices than him and CHOSE not to use them with TWO PEOPLE !


That does not dissolve the fact that the OP did not use birth control either, & has no business reproducing.


The OP isn't obligated to like single mothers so people who make that point are irrelevant.


No. he is not, but some find it funny that he denigrates single Mothers, when more than likely the taxpayers will be supporting a kid that he may have created, & the woman HE slept with, & the child HE may have created, fall into the very demographic that he despises. Kinda ironic to rant about "babymama's & little ***stards" crowding up at the grub & stub (whatever the hell that is) on the first of the month, when he himself may very well have a babymama & little ***stard crowding up at grub & stub on the first of the month. hey, maybe he will even run into them there, & whine about how they are costing the taxpayer money, LMFAO. (if you dont get the irony of it all.......)

Go get your test Turbo. I dont wanna pay for your babymama's & illegitimate childrens grub stub purchases because you cant get off your butt & go find out if you need to be a father to this kid. Nor do i want to pay for your 3 hots & a cot if they haul you off to jail because you waited so long to get the test that it becomes impossible to pay the retro support they will order you to pay if it yours. Nor do i want to pay for your government issued bus pass when you lose your drivers license if the kids is yours, & you shove the responsiblity off to the rest of society. And i certainly dont want to pay for your (alleged) babies pampers when you cant afford to buy them becuse you cant get to work because you lost your license.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 96
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 2:29:19 PM

In my opinion....it's both of their faults because they both do not know wtf birth control is.


Who gives a toot whose fault it is????!!!!!!!!! yes, they both chose not to use protection. Now there is a child. And that child, is the ONLY thing that is important.

Poor, poor baby. I feel terrible for this child.

Ugh, it hurts my heart that i have trouble conceiving & have to go on countless medical visits & rounds of clomid to conceive, & hope & pray over ovulation & pregnancy tests, yet people who dont even give a crap pop em out.
 DreamieDreamer
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 98
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:02:30 PM

Take your own best interests into your own hands!



Perhaps if he had done that in the first place he wouldn't be in this mess!




 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 99
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:13:52 PM
Who gives a toot whose fault it is????!!!!!!!!! yes, they both chose not to use protection. Now there is a child. And that child, is the ONLY thing that is important.


Hey, I was only correcting the dude who said it was (basically) the woman's fault. *shrug*

The child is definitely the most important.

BTW, I feel ya on the "having trouble conceiving" issue that you have been having. Tried to have kids since I was 19 with STILL no luck. ;)
 TKO38
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 100
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/19/2012 11:13:13 PM
It doesnt matter now whether youre a white knight, an orange knight or a dork in a tin foil hat. There is now a child who Im positive didnt ask to be born.

My first thought is, if this was a fwb situation where was the CONDOM OR PILLS??? Just a question.
Second, you didnt have to support her during pregnancy, thats a non issue.
Now however, what? Youre going to wait until the kid decides to know who daddy is? I would think now would be the time to find out. If its not yours, phew... buy some condoms, learn how to use them and move on.
But if it is yours, well you already said youd step up so good for your comment on that.

Waiting makes no sense, just because she hasnt texted back in 2 days. I would either go buy a test myself of set up the appointment and pick her up. It is going to cost you far more later in life it the child is yours, than if you step up now. Not only money, but that kid could end up bitter and rude. And you may be on the receiving end of that.

You should step up now and get the information, as well as a lawyer. I have seen some really good men screwed over completely. Also, check if she has your name on the birthcertificate. Even if you turn out not to be dad, its been in the papers enough, that men have still been held responsible for a child for the 18 years (different in other provinces/countries). So I would definately get all the information before walking away.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 101
view profile
History
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 3:51:58 AM
This thread gives me the cold creeps up my spine. Sex can = babies. If you have a FWB (and I freely admit I cannot fathom this kind of relationship) then you both need to be on the same page as per birth control. Do NOT enter in to such an arrangement unless you are certain the possible consequences are discussed. But, now that the horse has bolted, for both parties and the poor frikken child about to be deposited in this pile of SH!T , get a damn grip!!! You are both equally responsible. OP.. I truly hope the child is not yours as you appear to see it as an obligation, a yoke around your neck, a liability you need to pay for. Children need love, not ca$h. Find out how to determine paternity and really, even if your DNA mixed with hers.... help the gal find a decent man who actually cares about the little human you created. In answer to the Opost... NO.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 102
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 4:12:56 AM
Do you want to know if you are a father or not? Because you have as much responsibility for finding that out as the mother does. Paternity tests are not cheap and maybe she cannot afford to have two men tested.

Just keep in mind, not pursuing this now could come back to haunt you down the road. Maybe at this juncture the woman is not that concerned with who the father is but, that could change and if you turn out to be said father she can come after you for child support then, and back child support for every day, month, year of that child's life so thinking you can just walk away unscathed from all of this might be a premature judgment call on your part. Personally, I would rather bite the bullet now than have that hanging over my head for the next eighteen years.

And as for the whole FWB situation, I have yet to see one of those turn out well. If your sole reason for spending time together is to get busy in the sack, you are not friends to begin with, you are just screwing one another and if you are willing to abandon one another at the first hint of inconvenience or trouble, the only benefit either of you got from the so called friendship was mutual orgasms.

FWB is too often just a politically correct term people use to dress up a strictly sexual situation to make themselves feel better about themselves and look better in the eyes of others and if you have to make those kinds of rationalizations to yourself and justifciations to others, you are not owning your own behaviour and the consequences that come from it. Time to call a spade a spade and grow up, on this front and potentially the father front as well because this is not about you and her anymore, this is about an innocent child that did not ask you two to be FWB or anything else for that matter.
 icallbs
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 103
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 4:37:30 AM
If you're so set against single mothers, OP, perhaps you should consider marrying the next woman you like well enough to be habitually taking the chance that a baby can result (i.e. having sex).


I can't imagine the sort of man who knows he may have fathered a child(ren) and has no desire to know. Sounds as if your offspring would be better off without you.


What man knows that a child might be his (50/50 chance is pretty damn good chance) and doesn't do all he's capable of to ensure health of his child and the mother of his child?

Clearly, you have not done enough. But, I think you know that and just want someone to text you with the comforting answer.

EDIT TO ADD: Wow, so if the kid turns out to be yours you'll maybe 'try it' with this woman????? You know that ship has sailed, right?! Let's hope that she has enough self-respect to give you the finger, even if the kid is yours. What an entitled, selfish view you have, sir. What makes you think that after you refused to let her "bring you in" emotionally, refused to help at all with a pregnancy/baby you maybe helped create, that she would even give you the time of day?
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 104
view profile
History
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 5:34:03 AM
Secondly the way she went about trying to get his last name to obviously just put on the birth certificate is just sneaky and speaks volumes about HER...i wouldn't trust her as far as i could throw her.



By all means he should be proactive about it if he really wants to clear his head about it but really she should be equally proactive.



Why is he being villified when he never said anything about him sleeping with other people ?


The reason this fine upstanding individual is being vilified is because of what information HE HAS PROVIDED! . The OP did nothing to protect himself from the very reasonable expectation of pregnancy when having unprotected sex, now he comes into these forums and starts slagging the women who HE was screwing, in a casual sex realtionship while he didnt protect himself??? And what? We are supposed to feel sorry for his ass?

All we know is what this fine specimen of a man has told us, I wouldnt be surprised if her version was very different to what he is spouting here, considering how nasty he is being towards someone who was apparently enough of a friend to be in a FWB scenario, but now that his actions have created a problem for him, he cant wait to shovel all of the responsibility onto her. All because she didnt save him from himself and his apparently uncontrollable needs, that are so strong it overode his common sense. What a beotch!


So, she had a kid, have I done enough?


I forgot to address the gem of a title that the OP used for this whine fest...Are you facking kidding me? You havent done a thing, in fact I think you could not have done any less even if you tried, but nice try for the pity parade....Waah, I stuck my dick in a woman unprotected, now I may be a father, who can I blame for this other than myself?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 105
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 7:49:21 AM
A woman who is screwing at least 2 different guys, and at least one of those guys is asking whether he's done enough after the horse has already left the barn. Because everyone was shooting off their guns at will, but nobody knows who owns the horse and the woman doesn't even know the first rider's last name. Gosh I wonder if she ever got the last name of that other cowboy before she decided to play russian roulette with her uterus. Could make her child support case a lil' easier to manage. Daddy's little girl, spreading her legs at the drop of a hat but getting an abortion or even using a rubber is just too much like work. Here comes another bastard child with a bright and promising future, brought into this world at random like a feral kitten, by parents who never gave a damn about anything but themselves.

If that doesn't sound like the stereotypically pathetic and Kafkaesque perpetuation of the welfare state OP is railing against in the same breath he's pretending to be concerned about whether he's done enough after shooting a load into the last woman who was no better to him than a cum dumpster, then I don't know what to say. I see at least one person who qualifies as a poster child for stupid, but the other two sure enjoyed going along for the ride on the short bus. Pass the buck.

Congratulations to the new daddy and mommy, though. Meanwhile has anyone considered permanent sterilization? I guess not.
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 106
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 7:58:09 AM

FWB..... friends with benefits.
So is the baby the "benefits" part?
Or is the not hearing from her the "friends" part?


Ditto... Dude you are a douche! Like what a bottom feeder... ends up eating?

Cold creeps indeed... the thought of another one of you... or her for that matter running around this planet is really disturbing.

 Balsamica
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 107
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:15:08 AM
Can't you just pick up the damned phone and try to talk to her? Texting games to see if you're the father of a child? Good Gawd...........
 Julietsdestiny
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 108
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:42:52 AM
Yes it's ALWAYS the woman's fault! SHE slept with 2 guy's.....How many women did the guy sleep with? UNPROTECTED?
Single mother's become single mother's for a reason. They choose to keep their babies rather than murder them, yet the father's or possible father's seem to leave the guilt with the woman THEY made pregnant or possibly made pregnant.
You said this has happened to you before? Did you not LEARN and think "Hey maybe I should use protection".
Yes you have done enough. Keep your roaming snake in your pant's and STOP putting the blame on the woman.
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 110
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:51:16 AM
I don't know where you all got the idea that he will have to pay retroactively, but you are mistaken...

Perhaps it depends on the state? I Ca, you don't pay retro, you pay from the date of the court order. I filed for divorce and child support in April, he was not court ordered to pay anything until November- the order took effect Dec 1st... that is when payment started, he did not back pay anything, I supported the kids on my own for most of the year.

OP- I reccomend you do not try to marry and build a family simply based on paternity. If you are the dad, be a great dad! Do everything you can to make sure your child is not tossed into the welfare system, and give that baby every bit of love you have.
I agree with you on not helping through the pregnancy. It was both of you who were careless... however, if you knew it was your child you would have stepped up. It is her fault there were doubts about that. That was her choice, going through the pregnancy alone was a consequence of that.

Zen- I agree The woman has the ability to "opt out" of being a parent by getting an abortion. Men should also have that choice. I believe laws need to be adjusted in such a way that men could petition for a "paternal abortion" of sorts... where they clarify they want an abortion, not a baby and any and all responsibility to the child gets terminated... I understand the point that women want to control their body, but it's not realistic to assume that women can bail but men can't.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 111
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:18:26 PM

I guarantee that had I given my last name, I would be getting mail any day now ordering support.


Listen, if this happens, YOU HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT, to get a DNA before they can enforce child support. In fact, they should inform you of this right in writing, but if they dont,know that that IS your right.

But, not to bust your balls bro, you gotta get that test done. March over to her house & swab that babies cheek with a drugstore kit. Whole drugstore kits are not admissable in court, at least you will know if this is your child& you need to step up for said child.


Because it makes less of a chance for her to get pregnant by another. If it'll happen again, it should be mine. Ideally I dont want to deal with another man or his child after the fact, as much as I dont want to deal with it when entering a relationship. If it doesn't happen like that, and say this kid is mine, and she gets pregnant afterwards by another, I'll just be a 'support father'. My goal would be to prevent a mixed family.


If you love her with your heart & soul,& have a genuine desire to be a family unit, by all means marry her. But if honestly dont suggest marriage or LTR purely because of a child. It will not work, & eventually will cause familial problems. I had a mixed family (daughter from a fling i had in my youth, then married & had a my son with my husband), it wasnt bad at all. We were all very happy & had a beautiful love filled family. Would have loved to have more but my ovaries are on strike.


Texting is NOT my preferred method. This woman has a PREPAID phone, and barely ever has talk time. She has my number, and knows where I live. I could show up, but she's a woman, a post-partum one at that, she could go crazy, or flip 180. I mean during her last months, she was bi-polar. One minute, acting all sweet, the next calling me back with a nasty attitude.


Well,tell her to shove the stank ass attitude, & lets get this business sorted out. BE PROACTIVE for the sake of this child. Sometimes you have to be blunt with people.


BTW "GRUB STUB" = food stamps.


Well, not to nitpick,but why didnt ya just say so? (LOL) Here I am like a fool thinking it is some walmart type store in the 'hood.


If I were a woman, I dont think I'd have sex, being able to give birth and all.


ha ha ha, meh i like sex,i like babies, win-win for me. i did swear it off during childbirth but i didnt keep to it.

Anyways..............................

Get that test done. Take it from there.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 112
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:23:24 PM

I don't know where you all got the idea that he will have to pay retroactively, but you are mistaken...


I got that idea from the family law attorney & judge that handled my adoption case (spouse adopted my eldest child that was not biologically his after we married & decided we wanted a family life). Bio-Dad was told straight up that if he chose not to sign over his paternal rights, & i chose to file for support at any given time in the future, he would be held for support from the day of her birth, plus prenatal expenses. I had not intended to file on him anyways, but if i had? Huge lump sum. If he coudlnt pay it? Revocation of drivers license & possible jail time.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 113
So, she had a kid, have I done enough?
Posted: 3/20/2012 1:12:32 PM

believe laws need to be adjusted in such a way that men could petition for a "paternal abortion" of sorts... where they clarify they want an abortion, not a baby and any and all responsibility to the child gets terminated... I understand the point that women want to control their body, but it's not realistic to assume that women can bail but men can't.


While I understand the point being made here- this is where an inherent and inescapable unfairness comes into play.
If the father can choose to terminate his responsibility-then that creates a potential for either the birth of a child that will be significantly-if not completely-dependent on support from social welfare programs-or what is essentially forcing a woman into abortion. What if that goes against her personal beliefs and ethics. Even if she dumps the child somewhere under a "safe haven" law-or gives it up for adoption-where do you suppose the money is coming from ,to take care of that child until a permanent placement occurs? Yep-out of taxpayer wallets.

Now- a woman who is financially able to go through a pregnancy and raise a child alone-and chooses to do so, is one thing.
But all too often these 'accidental' babies are conceived by people who aren't financially prepared to raise a child. If you permit a male parent "opt out" clause, then-what the conservatives will say, is that we are allowing people to exercise their lust and to push the financial responsibility for any consequences onto Joe Taxpayer.
Others will say that allowing a man to opt out of parental responsiblities is a means to coerce abortion, or forcing a child to be raised in horrific poverty.
I'm sorry- I truly wish that people could exercise their sexuality and be able to evade any responsibility for any byproducts-but as a completely practical matter I don't see how that can ever happen. I think that there is still enough of a puritanical streak in our culture .that will insist that those who make a baby cannot push complete responsibility for that babies' well-being off onto the taxpayers.

Having sex is a choice, and people must be prepared to be responsible if reproduction occurs as a result of that choice. Yes, it does seem like women may have more "after the fact" options-but I suppose that we as a people could cause legislation to take the abortion option out of the picture, if that "more options" seems so highly unfair. I would not personally be in favor of that-whatever my personal ethics are about abortion, I would not care to see women's control over their own bodies abridged.

The bottom line -since it is a gentleman who authored this topic,is that men who can't afford, or object ,to having some responsibility to a child that they have fathered, then they must be more strict with themselves and more diligent with taking personal responsibility for preventing conception.

Or-we can all start working to create a social/cultural atmosphere that strongly pressures women to refuse sex outside of the social constructs that exist to protect and raise children(i.e. marriage)-no more FwBs.
I personally think that's sort of like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube...
but I can remember back when a man who got a woman pregnant was expected to step up and marry the woman and support her and the child, or else lose the respect of his peers and his community.
Just contributing financially to the care of the baby was not a sufficient solution. Granted, marriage could not be FORCED-but social opinion carried enough weight to coerce a lot of "shotgun weddings".

The OP should be grateful that society will now let him off( if he is indeed the father) with a financial contribution to the child's wellbeing-instead of exerting pressure to marry and support the mother as well.
Cindy O
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