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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?      Home login  
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 tilark99
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 26
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
You are the only one who has the right to determine what you need or want out of a relationship. If you have too long a list, you might end up alone, but it's still your right.
I'm well able to walk six hours but have no interest in doing so, so even though I don't limp I'm not a match for you. I can and do ride horses (multiple) for six hours but don't require the same from a partner. It's not a deal breaker for me, like trust, respect, good sex, sense of humor.... I can find friends to ride with, it doesn't not have to be the love of my life riding with me. I can ride with others, then go home to my SO. But that's me, and you're you.
If your SO must walk with you for six hours for you to feel good about the relationship, that's your call. Really doesn't matter if it's selfish, or even crazy, it's your call.
 ChrisAtiles77
Joined: 9/17/2010
Msg: 27
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:26:20 AM
I think you should follow your gut on this one, it's not being selfish, you want a woman that can keep up with you, let the shoe be on the other foot brother and you would kicked to the curb in a heartbeat. Knee injuries never heal to where the person is the same prior to the injury so chances are she will be riding the pine for a long long time. Keep it moving....
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 28
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History
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:35:03 AM
I think you have every right & reason to weed someone out because they cramp your style. In fact, I'd say she's being selfish, she's trying to manipulate you with guilt to keep you around, plus she purposely misled you from the start.
 Goldentyga117
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 29
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:53:25 AM
There's no evidence saying she played it off as nothing serious...she probably didn't expect to be dragged around on 6 hour walks. How does it not matter that he's misleading in his profile ? i think it totally matters. She also never pretended to be able to keep up with his outdoor activities. She tried and it was too painful.

This is exactly why relationships and marriages fail so much people find stupid petty things like this to break up over "wahhhh she doesn't like the kind of movies i like ! i have to dump her" "wahhhh he doesn't like the music i listen to ! i have to break up with him !" so stupid.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 30
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:24:46 PM
Lifestyles need to be similar for compatibility. It's more than her being able to keep up with you. Athletes, and you are bordering on being one with all that walking and hiking, view and experience the world differently than those who don't exercise.

I can tell a huge difference btwn my friends that exercise and those who don't just by their attitude. Exercise releases endorphins and melts stress. My friends that don't exercise like to talk out their frustrations, and are more apt to take things out on those around them. Different worlds.

Pain killers are another story all together. Many can alter someones personality.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 31
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:30:54 PM
It's not her fault she has problems walking. You should have thought of this right off. End it.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 32
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:42:42 PM
^^^Apparently he is still learning about himself or is in a state of growth. Lots of wisdom in the words... "know thyself".
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 33
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:43:41 PM

Did you even read his post ? because he said in it that she's tried to join him but she has to give up earlier than he wants because she's in too much pain. It's not that she doesn't want to it's that she CAN'T ! That's like me inviting my girlfriend to my kung fu school and then dumping her because she can't handle getting hit while sparring. TOTALLY selfish. If i had really bad knee or leg pain i sure as hell would refuse to go walking for 6 hours wouldn't you ?


Life isnt fair. He wants a companion for his long walks, and she cannot do it. End of story. They are not married, they are only dating. Time to move on. It doesnt matter all of the 'why's'. At the end of the day, he wants his lady love to walk by his side. Your example is not the same thing. His hobby takes him away from home for full days. This WILL become an issue as she wont be thrilled after a while that he strolls all day without her. She will resent his time away and he will resent her not being able to join him.

It doesnt matter if I can sympathise with the lady and knowing she cant join him because she is pain is not relevant. What is relevant is he wants a companion for his life journey, and she is disqualified because of her condition.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 34
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 1:00:57 PM
How much do you want a relationship versus how much do you want to do what you want and how much of the time? Every relationship is about striking a balance, and even the balance you strike for a while shifts over time as life and circumstances change. The question seems to be , what is more or most important to you? hiking? relationship w her? or are both so great that you’re willing to find a way to have both- compromise by choice?

It seems that the “I’ll never ‘settle’” (aka “compromise”) philosophy is strong here. But there is some benefit to the individual in learning how to bend and compromise to be part of a partnership. Its a challenge to balance self and being part of a couple or family, that I think can be good for us.

OP, maybe you’ll find someone else who is such a great match, with only one (detected) problem. But in my life, great matches have been very rare. Tough choice. But it is a choice. No black and white answers imo.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 35
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 1:27:52 PM

met a fine lady from here a while back. we hit it off, chemistry, same old yadda yadda yadda...assure you it was a match made in heaven

She had a slight limp when I met her and she told me it was nothing serious. Over the last few months it became apparent it was serious enough to keep her from long walks, absolutely no hikes on uneven terrain, can't do the climbing. Hip and knee issues, surgeries, physio, painkillers. Dr House without the cane.


He’s known her for at least a few months. They didn’t just meet. The updated profile probably reflects his recent dating availability, as does the creation of this thread.

OP. If you consider your ‘match made in heaven’ to be ‘Dr. House without the cane’ do her a HUGE favor and break it off with her, if you haven't already. Then she can find someone who appreciates her and you can enjoy your six hour walks around Toronto in peace.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 36
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 1:33:05 PM
OP, you should specify on your poorly worded profile that any woman who wants to 'hang out' with you needs to be in tip top physical condition. Must be able to walk, climb and hike for miles. It doesn't matter whether we are "a match made in heaven", if you are a female House, without the cane, you're history.

You are selfish and self-centered. You are concerned with nothing but your own desires. If walking, climbing, hiking and physical activity are things you are 'passionate' about, why is there absolutely NO mention of them on your profile. You mention reading, watching TV, drinking but you say nothing about something that you cannot live without... extreme physical activity??? I call BS on this thread. You are embarrassed by her limp and you are using her inability to keep up with you on hikes and climbing to cut her loose. How often do you go on 6 hours walks, mountainous hikes and climbs? Do you do it every weekend? A few times a week? A couple times a month? You aren't looking for a relationship. You are looking for someone to hang out with. You don't say that hanging out means mountain climbing. Hanging out could be going bowling, shooting pool, going to flea markets.

I'm certainly glad my fiance realized there was more to me than my inability to be physically active. I can't go on long walks, certainly not hikes and many times, just standing up causes severe shortness of breath. You wouldn't know it to look at me but it's a autonomic condition that I cannot control and that there is no cure for. I have to live with and adapt to it. He realizes this too. He loves to line dance but it's too strenuous for me but I go and watch. If we go to the flea market and I get exhausted, he rents me a wheelchair and pushes me around. If I'm having a good day and I'm able to do more than normal, he's my biggest cheerleader. You don't find 'matches made in heaven' very often but you can find lots of hiking partners. Break it off with her. She deserves someone so much better than you. Someone who will treasure her for the person she is and not throw her aside for a slight imperfection. Keep smoking and drinking and you won't be doing much hiking either!
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 37
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 2:50:59 PM
One guy I left because he hated to travel ( I live for it)

Another I left because we weren't sexually good together

There are many reasons why a relationship doesnt work..and this, I think is one of them...

You are not selfish..I think you are normal...

You just don't love her enough..and that's not a crime....
 lacalli
Joined: 3/17/2012
Msg: 38
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 3:15:49 PM

Over the last few months it became apparent it was serious enough to keep her from long walks, absolutely no hikes on uneven terrain, can't do the climbing. Hip and knee issues, surgeries, physio, painkillers.

Sounds like a pretty serious disability.


otherwise we get along .we hit it off, chemistry, assure you it was a match made in heaven

A match made in heaven is a strong thing to say. Sounds almost like love or a life partner. How often has that come along in your life? In mine, once.


She is angry with me for wanting to end this, saying I am making too much out of nothing.

She's wrong for trying to change her feelings but if you've told her the things you've posted here perhaps she's confused because reading your post I'm confused about your feelings.


I think she is holding me back, preventing me from enjoying my passions. I am no jock, just an average joe, but I like to hike, and walk and climb. Physical activity is fun.

Now I'm confused again. Are these your deep passions or are you just a regular guy who likes walking and hiking? You've made two conflicting statements. Do you have to have a partner who likes walking/climbing/hiking or can you do that with someone else who also enjoys those things? I've dated professional athletes and musicians and I throw like a girl and I can't carry a tune in a bucket. I'm an awesome audience member though.


I fear once the honeymoon infatuation is over, I will resent her for not being able to do the physical stuff that I enjoy.

You've obviously thought a lot about this. Are you being honest that it's that important to you or are you looking for a reason to break up with her? I'm not being critical just trying to puzzle it out for you. People have relationships to meet different needs-some for companionship, some for sex, some to raise a family and so on. So is your reason for a relationship to have someone to do things together that you enjoy? If so then no, she's not the one for you and don't feel guilty for breaking it off. If she's the perfect woman except that she can't walk/climb/hike maybe it's worth doing those things with a friend and staying together.

I am a trained dancer-10 years ballet, jazz, modern, tap, folk. Performed in high school. I've taken salsa, ballroom and country line dance for fun, any kind of dance. Dancercize, zumba anything with dance was fun. I also loved to walk-it's a form of meditation for me. I've always lived near the coast and I used to walk an hour a day and watch the dolphins and whales. It's spiritual as much as physical. Very few men I had relationships with liked to dance or walk. For me it wasn't a problem but that's because I was looking more for an emotional connection than an activity partner but I understand everyone's different.

Last summer I had a horrible accident and I'll never dance again and I while I will probably walk some day (still not yet without crutches) but my days of long long walks and exploring new places for hours are over. So my life is different now. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to deal with that. There are things I don't want to deal with in a partner either. Just be sure that that's really the reason you want to dump her and not something else because you may be losing out on that match made in heaven as you put it.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 39
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 3:59:45 PM
Selfish? Yes, as a matter of fact.

What is the point of you trying to drag this lady along, knowing she has a disability that limits her physical activities? Based off of what I've read, she told you her disability was nothing serious but I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps she wasn't aware of how bad her ailments were, until she started the activities with you.

I don't think she's holding you back at all, and you fear you might hurt her if you break it off with her due to her disability. You are holding yourself back.

No one is putting a gun to your head, and making you stay.

I suggest you break it off with her, so the two of you can get on with your lives. I would also suggest not getting involved with a woman who has ailments limiting her physical activities since you feel that way.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 40
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History
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 4:05:47 PM
I think if you recently started dating and your lifestyles are vastly different, better to move on then to start resenting her. She needs to take care of her health and find someone better suited to her. If she has a permanent disability, then she was very dishonest not to reveal it. If it is a new affliction then she needs to concentrate on that and not worry about nature boy. A 6 mile walks through the woods would disinterest me completely, and I am quite healthy.

Even if she was a long term relationship partner and this was a recent development many people would still bail. Commonalities are what keep people together and 'love' gets tested every day. Is your attitude selfish, yes of course it is, but at this stage in the relationship you have every right not to have to compromise.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 41
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 4:10:35 PM
Igor, I love ya, man. Whatever it took to have your mind, thanks for going through it. I'd say heart, as well, but I don't know you well, although it seems to go without saying....
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 42
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 4:29:59 PM
No I dont think you are being selfish, she clearly wasn't honest with you, and figured in time you'll give up your passion of hiking. She needs to find a man who doesnt do physical activities.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 43
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Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 5:14:38 PM
Is she a smart/funny/a$$hole like Dr. House??? That would be enough to keep me ...but I digress. If she was "the one" and your heart felt it, you'd overcome these issues. And obviously she lied to you from the start about her physical capabilities. I seem to be in the minority, but I do not think you're being selfish. We want what we want - and if people end up not being what we want, we end it. Just end it soon, no need to drag it out...
 00_000_0000
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 44
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 5:29:14 PM
You two appear to not be compatible because hiking and walking are so important to you. It's really unfair on your part to ask someone with a limp to spend 6 hours walking around Toronto. If you really want to be with this woman than maybe try compromising and saving the lengthy walks for friends who are capable and limiting your walks with her to an hour or so at least something she can do without hurting herself. But seriously you are never going to find someone who has all the same interests as you
 TKO38
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 45
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 5:29:29 PM
A 6 hour walk in Toronto is alot for alot of people to handle.
If you believe you are a match for all but this 1 thing, why not compromise? I believe someone mentioned hike with friends who hike and do all the other things together.
I wouldnt want to throw away a match just because she cant hike. People in relationships dont always love to do everything together. Maybe this is the something you do apart, to make you cherish your time together.
 TKO38
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 46
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 3:44:20 AM
I only mentioned it because he seems to really care for the woman. Sorry it was a suggestion. I know lots of couples, dating and married that dont do everything together. My neighbors husband is a medal winning bodybuilder, she not even close. Its his thing.

"Why people say he needs to compromise is beyond me. I think those saying that are not people who regularly do vigorous physical actitivies."

Talking to people in relationships and alot say compromise is apart of a good relationship. As for them not being in regular or vigorous physical activities... wth? So to talk about compromise means you dont exercise? No, it means that even though I hate football, we watch football on sundays. Even though he hates shopping he comes with me to get groceries. wow!
 keeper515
Joined: 11/26/2006
Msg: 47
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Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 5:20:00 AM
It is not a mattter of being selfish.
You know what your priority ( singular) is.
Perhaps you would be happier dating a marine, SEAL, or a para-military type that loves forced marches and with whom you have nothing else in common.
Of course if you get a shin splint, sprain your ankle, break a leg or something similar, be prepared to get kicked to the curb because you are unfit and undesireable.
The young lady that you origionally asked about rejecting, is now free to count her lucky stars.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 48
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 7:43:26 AM

Most people wouldn't do that and don't do that and generally if they do, they resent their partner and the relationship doesn't work.

I think you missed the part where its stated that this isnt a differences in lifestyles; we're talking about someone with a DISABILITY. Huge difference. What I say is if you want to enjoy your lifestyle and do it with a partner, DONT date one that you know has a disability.
OP has mentionned a female Dr House with no cane. Its not a question of her being lazy, if you read correctly.

But hey, for the sake of argument, let's stick to your logic.
You and me are dating, and I get hit by a semi in 8 months. The doc tells me I'll live, but I'll have crutches the rest of my life.
So now...you'll dump me? Because I can't hike with you anymore?
Yup, I call that selfish. COMPLETELY okay and alright if its your choice, but its still a selfish choice...no?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 8:18:37 AM

You and me are dating, and I get hit by a semi in 8 months. The doc tells me I'll live, but I'll have crutches the rest of my life.
So now...you'll dump me? Because I can't hike with you anymore?


You're missing the point Captain Crunch. Like others said, if something drastic happens while in a relationship, people make adjustments in lifestyle and compromise. But it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone who has a totally opposite lifestyle to begin with. Why should anybody settle with someone whose lifestyle isn't compatible? Don't you have any deal breakers?
 OneGodfather
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 50
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 8:25:05 AM

But it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone who has a totally opposite lifestyle to begin with. Why should anybody settle with someone whose lifestyle isn't compatible?
This is the part that sticks out and I totally agree with this , this is why I think the OP is selfish, he knew in the beginning she has this disability, so why waste her time, he obviously compromised in the beginning, and now the probation period aka as the honeymoon phase of the relationship is coming to a close and reality is seeping in.

I think personally he wasted this woman's time, and Im also betting she is quite attractive,and I think he is using her disability as a excuse to dump her and he is looking for validation , and that my friend is bull shit just be a man and say its not working out, sure she will be upset but she will get over it and you in no time.
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