Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 51
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

But it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone who has a totally opposite lifestyle to begin with. Why should anybody settle with someone whose lifestyle isn't compatible? Don't you have any deal breakers?


No YOUR missing the point, Marmelade-man666
I dont get the talk about LIFESTYLE. It's not a lifestyle she's DISABLED! Its not a question of want, its a question of CANT. SO why the HELL did he start seeing her in the first place? How the HELL does it take a few months to notice that she has trouble limping her way to the cornerstore 8 blocks back? I'm still trying to figure out if the OP is actually an OP, a troll in disguise or just a blind moron, mind you.
DO I have any deal breakers? No, actually I dont. Well, YEAH, but they're the obvious ones; If she tries to kill me, if she enjoys Satanic Masses, etc....
I shop around for what is THERE; not for what I want. Its ridiculous to date with an idea in mind, because you will NOT find it. Its a lot better and easier to meet somone, lern to ENJOY her for who she is, instead of spending all my time wondering about all the things she is NOT the same as me on. You know?
My lifestyle is my lifestyle. If I wanted the same, I'd date a co-worker, or a gym-rat girl where I am. I'm looking for a life-partner; she can HATE everything I enjoy, as long as she loves ME from who I am, and the mind I am. If she cant waterboard with me, I couldnt care less; as long as she doesnt stop ME from going. That's my point.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 52
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 8:45:27 AM

But it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone who has a totally opposite lifestyle to begin with.


Makes me wonder what motivated the OP to do just that then…..IF he’s so committed to walking the streets of Toronto for six hours (pub crawl?) every weekend, why didn’t it matter for a ‘few months’ and now suddenly, it does.

I don’t often agree with the Capn, but this time, I do.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 53
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 9:37:18 AM
Okay, maybe I wasnt clear enough the first time with my views, I'll try to be clearer, and you can explain to me your logic then. I dont think we have the same views on what being selfish really means.
A lifestyle, by definition, is a choice. A lifestyle is how you decide to live, its a series of different gestures, how you eat, how you sleep, what you put in your hair, what activities you do in your everyday life. Influenced usually by your tastes, sometimes done out of necessity (like walking the dog, for example).
A disability, by definition, is a loss of function in one or more organs, either temporary or permanent, which prevents typical and usual activity. This can be a missing organ, a malformation, etc. What it is not however, is a matter of choice. Its actually a condition which robs you from having certain types of lifestyles, in the same way too much drinking, obeisity or other conditions prevents you from having different lifestyles until you get healthier. Thus coinning the term "Healthier Lifestyle".
Now, the original question here is "Am I being selfish or is feeling this way the right way". I say YES, it is being selfish, because its judging someone based on who they are, discarding them because they don't follow their interests or tastes. I have heard the term, it "does not fit with his lifestyle". True, and its okay. It's fine to BE selfish with stuff like that. But it remains that it IS selfish. Someone not selfish, would try to include someone DESPITE the disabilty, because of the person they ARE. So what if the girl can't hike, or can only make a tenth of the distance? What if she reads poetry, or sings, like no other? What if YOU pass on the love of your life, because of a small thing like a limp, or the fact that she cant follow you, physically? Sure, its sad...but isnt there MORE than just a lifestyle here? And my other point being, there's nothing to STOP you from enjoying the same lifestyle if you want to, why should you stop? Do you HAVE to do it with your partner all the time? I mean, my view on it, as long as your not prevented from living the way you want, why shoudl a husband, gf, wife whatever, live the same way? If she likeschips, and I always going to tell her "Chips arent good for you" every time I see her eating some?
When I said your logic, what I meant was, according to your view, from what I understand, its an exclusion view, kind of like the Op mentionned; "She is not like me, ergo she is not desired". By the same logic, anyone who does not fit with your lifestyle, is necessarily undesirible(ugh, sorry), no? That's what I get. Well I say the opposite; the DIFFERENCE is the part you desire, and that should be cherished.
Its not a critic, its an opinion, I am NOT attacking you. But you cant look at the OPs decision and say its NOT selfish, because it IS. But it isnt necessarily a BAD thing to be selfish either.
Get it know? ;-)
 OneGodfather
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 54
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 9:42:49 AM

He didn't know in the beginning about her disability. She told him it was no big deal, a temporary problem. I had almost the exact same thing happen. A man told me his was not a big deal, not even a problem. But it was a big problem, a major problem and an on going one, not a temporary one as he led me to believe. It became clear how much of a problem it was once we were dating and and he couldn't do anything with me, the type of active things I had told him from the beginning I did and expected we would do together. He kept canceling one thing after another and slowly, bit by bit, the extent of his physical limitations came out. He wasted my time, not the other way around. The OP realizes that the honeymoon phase will end, and he will be, if he stays, with someone who will limit his life and he will resent her. It's true. The honeymoon will end and he will resent her: that's already happening.
Good catch, I went back and read the OP original post and you are correct according to him she did say it wasn't a serious issue until later on.

Well I can see his point of view now and I have a different opinion , but he should still man up and let his balls drop and tell her the truth, dont lead the woman on even though she will be upset she will respect as a man and give her the chance to move on .
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 55
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 9:51:27 AM
What do you think?

I think I'd put that in the same category as I would any other interest I had that a girlfriend did not share. I don't need her to be involved in everything I do to enjoy doing what I like to do and keep doing it. I can have my own interests without needing someone to tag along and entertain me.

Physical activity is fun.

Some are. Some aren't. I can't imagine a six hour tour of any city using ankle express to be anything but boring. I've always made some attempt to avoid imposing my weird ideas of fun on the peope I date. How many people do you know that like to take six hour ankle express tours of toronto? If your answer is ``Not that many,'' then you might consider either dating one of those who thinks that sort of thing is fun or make a few allowances for reality if you want a larger dating pool. If you need someone to tag along on your six hour walks of toronto, perhaps the walk itself is really not all that interesting.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 56
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/21/2012 3:39:36 PM
In the ladies defense, she likely feels her disability is not a big deal, as most adults live pretty sedentary lifestyles...she has the bad luck to have met a man who actually wants to walk all day long.

This wont work.

The honeymoon phase will end, and they will resent one another.

I dont think thel ady is a bad egg in any way, and we all have weaknesses of some sort. But I am a realist first-the facts as layed out in the OP tell me this just wont work for the long haul and before strong attachments are formed it is best to shake hands and move on. The OP would not have written into forums if he wasnt already feeling that this situation was ideal. If he aready feels this way, this early in thier dating phase, it will only get worse.

I dont think seeing the situation for what it is and being logical is being selfish.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 58
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 11:58:45 AM
Had the OP specified in his profile that 6 hour walks through Toronto, hiking through uneven terrain and climbing mountains were passions of his that he could not live without and he expected a partner to share these interests with him, I really doubt that the woman would have even met up with him in the first place. He says he works, drives, drinks , has sex, farts, reads, cooks and watches TV.

He sounds like a couch potato, not someone whose 'passion' is walking the streets of Toronto or hiking mountainous trails.

How the hell could she have known that he was interested in these things since they are never mentioned? Why should she not think that they would have things in common? She can do all the things he lists. She should have been more forthcoming about her physical limitations and that it is a permanent disability, if she wasn't. I'm not sure she didn't tell him. I don't believe that the OP is an avid hiker and walker. I think he is embarrassed by being seen with her due to her limp, as his derogatory comment about being 'House without a cane' implies.

Does anyone who is reading this thread have a passion in their life that is so intrinsic to their lifestyle that they couldn't possibly imagine not doing it?? Don't you mention it on your profile? Whether it be going to church , running marathons , surfing, exercising , mountain climbing, fishing , whatever... something that really is part of who you are and something you want a prospective partner to share with you, then you specify the importance of it on your profile. It is a deal breaker. If the other person will not or cannot participate, then it's a non-starter. We all have some things we will not compromise on and we list them loud and clear. The OP did no such thing. Farting is a passion, I guess, along with reading and watching TV. Not exactly something a woman with a limp couldn't participate in doing.

He said that this was 'a match made in heaven' except for her inability to keep up with him physically. Wow! I'd find a walking/hiking partner in order to hang onto someone I felt was, in every other way, 'a match made in heaven'.

I still think the OP is full of it. This lady deserves far better. She deserves to be with someone who will not ridicule her on forums and berate her for a physical disability she happens to have. Hey, OP...why don't you go take a hike!
 SONNI100
Joined: 12/24/2010
Msg: 59
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 1:00:02 PM
Maybe not selfish, but you do resent her already......bounce out, hon:-)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 60
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 1:55:40 PM
You guys are not going to work. And that is not because you have different lifestyles, but because you are blaming the other for not allowing the other to fully enjoy what you like to do. Blaming leads to resentment and always finding flaw on the other person.

Move on.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 61
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 2:23:44 PM
OP, whether selfish or not, if it is mandatory for you that your partner engages with you in your favorite activity/ies, then this relationship is doomed, as her physical inability to join you will lead to resentments over time.

The importance of sharing these particular activities though is something only you can decide.

What you did not mention in your original post is whether her condition is permanent or temporary. This should be a factor in your consideration as well.
 TKO38
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 62
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:01:16 PM
Ive had it pointed out to me that when Ive commented on making some sort of compromise, I just 'dont get it' and that compromise is basically stupid. I wont change my answers. If as you stated: "I assure you it was a match made in heaven" ...... then your heart made up its mind. I still say there is a way to compromise if you truly feel you are a match. It is selfish to walk away, to her and to yourself, it it is truly a match.

I agree with those that asked is this a permanent ailment, or is it some sort of new injury? She could very well be hurt 'mentally' because of her inability to participate. Has there been any talk further, as to what is actually wrong and is there anything that can help etc. (who knows, maybe something that will help is starting on slow walks and working up to bigger ones. But like I said Im not sure what it is that is wrong so this needs to be discussed)

I just know that there are millions of people in this world and if you actually have met the person that you feel is your match, then try. Some 'matches' are perfectly able bodied people and their match happens to be in a wheel chair, has MS, and so many other disabilities. Who know? Only you will know.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:32:48 PM
The fact that you are all ready throwing a hissy fit about it and making her feel terrible, you are not a match. I am not saying that to be mean to you, it is just a fact.

I myself want a man who can physically keep up with me, but if he wants me to carry a 25# backpack and hike for hours, forget it.

We are not wrong in knowing what we want. I had the couch potato for 20+ years, I don't want one again.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 64
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:40:15 PM
You say you are no jock, just an average Joe, yet you think walking the streets of Toronto for six hours is nothing? Physical activity IS fun and a good way to get to know another person by doing an activity, but SIX HOURS of walking on concrete would cripple a normal person and put heavy pain on one who had a 'limp'. Get real , buddy, you don't have to do EVERYTHING together. It's plain you think she is holding you back on your quest to 'walk the planet', so join a walking club if there is such a thing and quit making her feel less because she can't keep up with the likes of you.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 65
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:45:24 PM
You obviously dont really care for her so let her go. Whether she joins you in your activities or not I would not think a huge dealbreaker. SHe needs someone who is caring and tolerant, you are not.

. You are super fit and not many women could keep up with you anyway. Aren't you lucky you dont suffer as she does!!! So look elsewhere such as sports clubs etc.
 bullie62
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 66
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:54:50 PM
Who the fook wants to walk around Toronto for six fookin' hours?!?! Seriously dood...

If you were truly into this woman, you'd find a way to make it work. You're obviously not that into her... so cut your losses and hers and mosey, er hike on down the road.... for six fookin' hours.


*shakes head*



bullie~
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/22/2012 5:03:39 PM
If this was a long term partner, then I'd call you a jerk.

However, since it's a short a short term relationship, then your obligation is to be honest and respectful to this woman. That's all you can do. Be sensitive to her feelings. You are not compativle so be civil and end it.
 cashleys
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 68
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/23/2012 2:36:42 AM
It is not selfish, you are just getting to know each other and that is an important part of what makes you happy. I would want to know more about the walking. She probably isn't going to tell you.
It is not selfish, I would tell her that you like her but want to date others because you are not sure she is the one.
I have had guys I know have particular things they want, If I know I am not able to do those things, I don't waste their time. It is the right thing to do. Caring about someone is letting them go sometimes.
 imacipher
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 69
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/23/2012 9:49:50 AM
So many problems could be avoided if people would or could-only be honest with Themselves. Hey-if, *physical ability" is of major import to you & another individual is not-up to that criteria? Well. it only makes- Good Common Sense to be-upfront about that &, certainly, not apologetic; it's not a personal thing against Anyone-it's, just, Who U Are, Right? Hell, *grins*, actually, if I were her; I'd be, the One, telling u that "It's not going to work...!" *smiles*
I am not athletic in my enjoyments, approaches, or major functions but, I am "cerebral"[ highly imaginative & creative]. This would translate, in terms of using, hiking [as an example]-my "brain", as opposed to my body, needs to take that 6 mile-plus hike on a regular basis. If someone is not up to my own intellectual prowess; I will be bored, beyond tears, within the hour. Truth told from the start, never bites back later...
 ForumFilly
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 70
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/23/2012 11:15:15 AM

look at what happens when someone says being physically active is important to them and having a partner to share it with is important: all kinds of attacks on the OP's character. People are afraid of being honest about it because they will be attacked and told they are shallow and not worthy of love, cold, too rigid, selfish, etc.


I don't think anyone is attacking the OP because having a physical capable partner is important to him. What I am criticizing him for is his lack of disclosing this 'passion' in his profile, while coming across as an average Joe who doesn't have much, if any, interest in physical activities. Had he proclaimed in his profile that he loves to take 6 hours walks through Toronto and really enjoys spending his off time climbing and hiking in the mountains, no one would have a problem with that. In fact, it would be the woman that we would find fault with for because she probably knew that she could not be able to keep up with him physically and he was looking for someone who could do these activities.

But I do know for myself, that it was incredibly difficult to finally admit to myself that I could no longer do the the strenuous physical activities I use to enjoy so much once I became ill. I was sure I could overcome this condition if I tried hard enough and get back to where I use to be. After 6 yrs with it, I have learned my limitations and no longer beat myself up for not being the person I once was. I can't help it, it's just a medical condition that I acquired. Maybe she keeps hoping she, too, will get back to where she once was.

While everyone certainly has the right to want a partner that can share things that are important to them, I question why he never mentions these things initially. Don't you find that a bit suspect? I do. And he really doesn't look like a prime physical specimen, especially if he's smoking and drinking regularly. Besides, he is looking for someone to hang out with and NOT a long term relationship. So, tell the woman you're not a match and move on and let her do the same. She obviously is looking for a more serious commitment than you are willing to give. Find an athletic woman to do activities with and have a blast.
 OneGodfather
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 71
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/23/2012 11:43:33 AM

Who the fook wants to walk around Toronto for six fookin' hours?!?! Seriously dood...

If you were truly into this woman, you'd find a way to make it work. You're obviously not that into her... so cut your losses and hers and mosey, er hike on down the road.... for six fookin' hours.
whats funny is, I live in Toronto and I wouldn't walk around for 6 hours, 2 or 3 hours max downtown, St.Lawrence market and the entertainment district I can see but for six hours? hell no. Go up to the Muskoka's, Huntsville , heck Niagara on the lake/Niagara Falls.
 egowitch
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 72
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/23/2012 12:03:56 PM
Not sure this is a matter of right or wrong - but more about what your priorities are ?

I can totally relate to this particular issue, as I'm a long distance walker/hiker myself, and I especially love being able to share that with my favorite person !

I just recently met someone from here, who was nice enough, and pleasant company. We met at a hiking trail, and off we went. After only a mile, I could see he was slowin' down, and not doing well. We rested.

We made it back to the parking lot - eventually. But he admitted to long term foot issues , that are not going away.

I decided not to see him again - as regular physicality of this kind is something important to me to be able to share.

I don't believe in needing to do EVERYthing together however.

And it's different if you're in a long term relationship with someone first, and they become unable to do certain things AFTER you've become attached. Then - I would consider other paths .
 ForumFilly
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 73
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/23/2012 12:33:00 PM
^^^^^^egowitch, in your profile you DID say it was important for the man you meet to be physically active. You specified that was something that you wanted in a partner. The OP didn't and, if hiking and walking are such a big deal to him, he should have done so.
 burlygirl
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 74
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/24/2012 3:12:23 AM
Been in same situation as you!! I ;eft him because if i know the seriousness of his injuries the first day i met him and he was totally honest with me i would not have chased and started a relationship. Bottom line i did resent him and that wasnt fair on me or him. you have to be true to yourself i call that self less i am glad we broke up as me and him will both find a partner better suited and not have resentment thats not love
 matt6678
Joined: 3/16/2011
Msg: 75
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/24/2012 6:54:41 PM
I don't think your being selfish by letting this one go. What would be selfish,and even cruel would be to string her along. If you need someone that can keep up then it's time for you to move on to someone that can.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?