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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 26
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
purplepalooza

men put that when they want a chance with the girl and to get somewhere with her as they think that is what women want to hear. How many guys what a friends first relationship and then get into sex. Usually it is the other way around and only sometimes. FWB is what they really mean lol! this is a dating site, not a friendship club.
 wildandfreee
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 27
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/7/2012 9:41:41 PM
Funny and silly how so few cant see a relationship developed from a friendship,and i think a real relationship can start from out of nothing, in any way , but its just me ,
if you got the formulae for relationship and love post it on the forum

as opposed to what ??? to nothing ,to each individual way
but with all the benefits - when you allow it
same apply to relationship, serious dating etc , whatever you put in your profile,
if you are going to get played, it will happen op
my 2 cents :)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 28
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/7/2012 10:12:48 PM
"my theory is guys are mirroring what they read on so many women's profiles"

I agree with this theory. I will leave it to the ladies to explain why they have "friends first" as their profile preference.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 29
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/7/2012 11:01:43 PM
"Friends first" is an easy out. it get's an instant click to the NEXT PROFILE. I do not want to be stuck in limbo with someone who cannot make up their mind . . Too ambiguous of a term.
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 30
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/8/2012 12:12:40 AM
as opposed to fvck buddies first...

I prefer not to sleep with guys I don't know... sex is meant for a committed relationship- so if he's not my BOYFRIEND, he's not getting any. no one becomes a boyfriend on the first date. And before all the guys freak about me wanting to mooch, I am happy to pay for my own meal or coffee, and totally cool with free dates like going to the park to hang out... It's not about getting the guy to wine and dine me... it's about being connected emotionally before making a physical connection.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 31
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/8/2012 8:51:37 AM
I didn't want to be used for my brain by women who weren't going to sleep with me.


Abelian, you're not known here for being a comedian but that was Hilarious !!!
 laughtostayyoung
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 32
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/8/2012 8:59:46 AM
When they say "friends first" they can feel better when they tell their family & friends that the relationship "developed" over time and was not based solely on their need to have raw uninhibited sex on the first date.

And for those of you that do not get it (which seems to be a growing number of the POF population), the above sentence was a JOKE.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 33
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/9/2012 12:05:28 PM
My last relationship, she and I rushed into it, and didnt take the time to get to know one another, or even hang out with each others friends.

Rushed into what? The 'what' part is important. And FYI, sex doesn't mean there's a relationship just because you've already hung out some. Basically, it means you better not suddenly disappear, and a higher level of respect is expected.

The girl and I have to be able to hang out, get to know each other, go out with one anothers friends as well, and just keep things neutral.

... but ...

Sure, we can kiss, and be affectionate, but no sex until we are in a relationship.

Kissing & affection, a form of intimacy isn't neutral. Friends don't make-out. That's not friends first. Nor does it mean you're just friends "until" something, either, because upon kissing, picking up the bill, etc -- that "something" just happened. Sex, no sex, oral sex, heavy make-out sessions, only just kissing, etc -- no matter how you slice it and dice it, it's not merely/just friends. But any of those by itself doesn't mean you're serious, either.

The heaviness of physical interaction can up the ante some, but it's a side dish to the main course: How much time you spend together hanging out (or dating), frequency of communication, etc.

The "friends first" thing, I believe is derived from situations you can't fake from a matchmaking site: Someone you work with, or a friend of a friend, where hanging out amongst others, you get to know them. The attraction can go up or down as some time passes, but once you both feel you have a mutual attraction and know each other well enough, THEN you'll have a kiss, a date, etc and start seeing each other. People will try to re-create this online, but you can't do that with any affection or kissing if you were to. Coming right off a matchmaking site, it ends up getting weird to try and role-play like that.

In essence, you should say taking it slow -- not being "friends first". Taken straight-up, that means you're JUST friends with a potential for more... but even then, the knowledge that there's potential for more sort of nixes being truly just friends initially -- otherwise, you could hit on a bartender in front of her and she'd have zero room to complain (and could do vice versa).

If you want to take it slow, use the words "I want to date but take it slowly". If you learn to use the words that actually communicate your interests, your life will be exponentially easier.

Damn straight!
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 34
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/10/2012 5:32:03 PM

when a woman writes 'friends first,' what she's doing is setting a sexual boundary. guys mirror that back as a disarming strategy - a way of saying 'i'm not gonna horndog you.'


interesting from teh guy's perspective; but when I write it; i'm not so much setting a sexual boundary; I'm saying I think it is most important that the getting to know each other as people is incredibly important; sometimes getting to know each other physically without having that real valuable communication and shared mental intimacy; emotional spontaneity and intellectual knowledge bypasses the other really ever developing; and to me the physical is a thousand times better AFTER knowing who someone is and developing that strong bond; because then it's a bonus and not a deterrent. I guess technically it's setting a boundary; but not for the sake of the boundary (I see that as a negative); but for the sake of the positive (truly getting a sense of who someone is; what they love; what they are passionate about, what they connect with; what they shy away from first).

in my way of using it; it's a positive not a keep out. Though I can't speak for guys if some are like me and some are doing it as a response to women's like COAC says.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 35
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 6:24:49 AM

in my way of using it; it's a positive not a keep out. Though I can't speak for guys if some are like me and some are doing it as a response to women's like COAC says.


Then use different words.

The words "friends first" are in fact a 'keep out' sign. We don't know your meaning beneath the meaning. All we can base our understanding on are the words you present.

You've already written the words you need to use:


I'm saying I think it is most important that the getting to know each other as people is incredibly important


^ That does not in any logical way translate to "friends first".
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 36
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 7:38:01 AM
I don't get the friends first thing.
I don't say it and I'm not interested in anyone that says it to me.

If I were to use this phrase (I'm assuming I've suffered some
life altering trauma), it would mean I'm not all that interested...yet,
but hang in there, maybe you'll grow on me.

No one says this sort of nimcompoopery to someone they really
like and are really interested in getting to know. It goes without
saying (at least to me) that if we are to date and get to know each
other we will naturally become friends and more. (or not, in which
case refer to paragraph 2)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 37
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 9:12:14 AM
browneyesboo

I think it is acceptable for older women to use the friend's first line if they have already been married, or come out of a long term relationship. It indeed is understood as taking it "slow" in such scenario.

When younger women use friends first, it pretty much is a purposeful choice to leave a large amount of ambiguity. I don't blame guys that ignore younger women stuck in this gray-ish limbo area. Younger women that state they want to date, but nothing serious I can understand, or want to date but take it slow. Young women that use the friend's first line is a massive turnoff to me.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 38
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 9:21:55 AM
Meh...semantics. If she's into you you'll be knocking boots in short order.

Must be god fearing man - knocked boots.

Let's get to know each other first - knocked boots.

Standard dating site jargon IMHO.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 39
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 1:47:10 PM
The "friends first" bit is used by dyslexic women. When guys date, and at some point is put in the Friends Zone, that's a sign it's game over. Chalk up a loss for the guy. So who wants to start there? The "friends first" is just a game: a guy starts out in the friend zone, plays the game to get to the close friend zone, then to the really friendly zone, and then goes the golden vagina grand prize.

I agree with other poster who pointed out that during the "friends first" zone, if there's any kissing, cuddling, making out, doing everything but having sex, that's not what friends do. It's called foreplay.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 40
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/12/2012 2:31:00 PM
For me I take it at face value. When someone says friends first it means she is looking for friends to hang around with and do things. So if i felt like looking for friends I would email. But I'm not here looking for friends to hang out with so I always skip those profiles. If she meant anything else by saying she is looking for friends first then she should say it. Im not a mind reader and if I try and guess what some one else is thinking. Dont get mad if I guess wrong.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 41
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/12/2012 3:21:20 PM
^^^ If someone says friends first, what's step 2, or step 3, and how long does each step last? Or does it mean "friends only, forever". If things progress to step 2, can a guy be knocked back down to the "friends only" stage?
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 42
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History
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/12/2012 4:34:53 PM
A lot of people still believe in the idea of being friends first and letting it develop into a romance. Not everyone has sex as the primary reason for a relationship.

Then again, PoF has developed a reputation for being a hook-up site so maybe you have a point.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 43
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/12/2012 6:49:33 PM
How often do you see friendship turns into a relationship??? As friends do you stop looking to date other people?? Or do you say well we are good friends and all but hey it would be fun to actualy go out on a real date too.. Or do you say to your self we are good friends and you never go on a date with anyone else??? you see if I meet someone on here as friends I would still look around for a real date. You dont hold hands or kiss someone one who is your friend. When you go out to see a movie do you pay for all your friends or just this one. would you ever try and kiss your friend?? Mind you if you start kissing and cuddling with your friend, Guess what they are not your friend no more. or would you wait for 2-3-4 months for it.. Wait how many times you read on the forum where the guys say they wont keep dating a girl if she wants to wait to have sex for 1-2 months.. I got plenty of friends who are women. I dont kiss them or make any sexual moves on them.. They are friends not looking on POF for more.
One of the best complients I got was from an EX GF who said I'm her best friend. But we also dated for over 2 years. We didnt start as friends we started to date looking for a relationship.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 44
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 9:14:29 AM

A lot of people still believe in the idea of being friends first and letting it develop into a romance.


And those people are woefully misinformed about how human physiology actually works, or just simply lying to themselves to ease their god complex.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 45
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 10:03:50 AM

A lot of people still believe in the idea of being friends first and letting it develop into a romance. Not everyone has sex as the primary reason for a relationship.

Those people are misguided and trying to tell themselves they are more enlightened than other people who admit to expecting sex to be part of the deal. If sex wasn't the primary reason for a relationship, gender would be irrelevant. If you eliminate sex from romance, then you're just friends.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 46
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 10:30:10 AM

If sex wasn't the primary reason for a relationship, gender would be irrelevant. If you eliminate sex from romance, then you're just friends.

With all due respect, not wanting it to be the main reason doesn't mean you don't want it to be part of the deal. I take "primary" as meaning more importance is placed on that than anything else. Most people don't want that to be the dynamic. While it's good to have a healthy amount of sex in an established relationship, most don't necessarily want it to be the only thing happening. In that case, why go anywhere or do anything else? I doubt JUST sex is the goal.

Don't get me wrong, I won't stay in a relationship where there's no sex, and I realize that there are people out there who are determined never to have a sexless relationship again based on a past experience, but making it the biggest/only focus on dating this time around to avoid it happening can make you seem interested in only sex, which isn't (usually) what most want at the end of the day - though they may take it if it's there.

It's like the guy I met who was divorced from a woman who wasn't able to have children and was on a mission to avoid repeating the same mistake. Asking if their plumbing was working in the first couple conversations wasn't exactly effective in meeting someone. *shrug*
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 47
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 10:46:50 AM

If sex wasn't the primary reason for a relationship, gender would be irrelevant. If you eliminate sex from romance, then you're just friends.

With all due respect, not wanting it to be the main reason doesn't mean you don't want it to be part of the deal. I take "primary" as meaning more importance is placed on that than anything else. Most people don't want that to be the dynamic. While it's good to have a healthy amount of sex in an established relationship, most don't necessarily want it to be the only thing happening. In that case, why go anywhere or do anything else? I doubt JUST sex is the goal.

Don't get me wrong, I won't stay in a relationship where there's no sex, and I realize that there are people out there who are determined never to have a sexless relationship again based on a past experience, but making it the biggest/only focus on dating to avoid this can make you seem interested in only sex, which isn't (usually) what most want at the end of the day - though they may take it if it's there.



very much agree with WIP

I am very much on eof those who wants to get to know someone, find out what makes them tick, find out what passions them and what they shy away from so we actually have a basis on which to have the other stuff; if you jump right to the other stuff; a lot of the times the former gets lost; and you are sleeping with a stranger.

That being said; when knowing a person and having that exclusive relationship; there is no way in heck sex is eliminated from romance... it is not only important, not having it is a dealbreaker. But not where the cart goes before the horse.

All of it is getting to know a person; just the order in which you get to know them is first mentally, then emotionally and affectionately; and then fully sexually; where it ties all the others together. To me intimacy is all encompassing, not just physical. When intimacy is there and developed on all fronts, the sexual is a WHOLE lot better.

if someone takes my wanting to get to know the person before the body in a relationship as a turnoff; I want nothing to do with that person anyways. I want curiosity to involve all of the senses, not just the physical ones.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 48
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 11:37:57 AM
But not where the cart goes before the horse


I'm sorry, but you're idealistically wrong. Our brains only crave romance and companionship to fulfill their goals of reproduction and survival. That's it!

YOUR thinking is actually putting the cart before the horse, but you cannot realize it due to society programming logical fallacies as fact. Ask yourself this very simple question: If you knew future sex was out of the question completely; would you pursue a romantic relationship with someone? If your answer is no, then I have no real answer as to why you are adding complexity to a simple, proven reproductive process.

NO ONE is saying that you HAVE to jump in the bed with someone right away. I've never asked that of anyone. But, what I do expect is for someone to respect their body's wisdom and intuition.

The second you have to fight the urge to reach across the table and kiss someone YOU ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.

Understand this bit of communication and you will find a mate, trust me, YOU WILL.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 49
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 1:08:56 PM
With all due respect, not wanting it to be the main reason doesn't mean you don't want it to be part of the deal.

I don't think it's the act of sexual intercourse that's the 'goal' or main purpose. It's that it's a sexual thing by nature, and being 'just friends' is not. It's fake role-playing to be 'just friends' when it's understood that the purpose is to see that it could be non-platonic. Well, people aren't going to be in that (weird) situation having just platonic feelings anyway. So again, it's role-playing. Actually partaking in the act of sex isn't what nixes the role playing -- but not pretending/role-playing that it's platonic does.

Taking it slow can be a method to ensure that more focus is on getting to know each other, spending time together, etc., and not allowing physical lust (by execution too much) to crowd things out. But nixing out everything (heavy flirting/communication, touching, kissing, etc) is just plain weird when you know that you've met up with each other with the same intent/curiosity as everyone else. And it's unnecessary, and only gives the other the impression that you're not really attracted to them (but could be).

Nixing out all more-than-platonic tone & execution doesn't make two people get to know each other better. With certain people, going slow can. But going slow is different than being 'just friends'.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 50
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 1:13:09 PM
it's a disclaimer which is put there by people who are emotionally not ready 4 intimacy...PASS!
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