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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????      Home login  
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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 51
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

With all due respect, not wanting it to be the main reason doesn't mean you don't want it to be part of the deal

But it's the only part of the deal that can't be fulfilled by a person of either gender.

I take "primary" as meaning more importance is placed on that than anything else.

I take primary to mean that which distinguishes it from something else. In this case, the thing that distinguishes dating from going out with a friend or a romantic relationship from friendship, is sex. If you eliminate sex, you have an entirely different type of relationship.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 52
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:10:15 PM
And I also wonder...for those of you who do put that in your profiles...since being friends first is your goal, then that would obviously mean there would be no expectations of sexual activity right?


No expectations of ANYTHING, actually. If starting off as "friends," things should remain platonic. Dating, kissing, fondling, groping, etc should not be included. If any of that goes down, then you (in general) have been misled, and the individuals doing the misleading are frauds.

But the whole thing never made any sense to me. If these people that are making these claims about not wanting to be disappointed, then why not just do a quick meet and move on if things went sour? Instead of using "friends first" as a cop out to make their run. Nope. I'm not buying it.

I still think it's a cop out under false pretenses of actually wanting something sexual, and at the same time trying to stay out of something they aren't willing to commit to...like a relationship for example.
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 53
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/14/2012 7:00:01 PM
Hmmm...seems quite a few people have reading comprehension issues. Since when did 'friends first' mean 'just friends'? It's unlikely that anyone putting 'friends first' in their profile really means 'just friends'. Friends and lovers are not mutually exclusive. People putting 'friends first' in their profiles want to get to know the person as friends(whatever that means to that individual) before having sex. Nothing wrong with that.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 54
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/14/2012 8:54:38 PM
I don't think the lack of reading comprehension is the issue, but you do raise a fair point. Friends first, but the romance develops later is very rare, and often in movies it is shown to be the norm. In actuality, flirting, eye contact, hugs, kisses are common early in a relationship. Friends first implies that you want to be friends at the start, try to develop/build romance. If it falters, still try to go back to being friends. Maybe I don't have a lot of experience approaching relationships this way, but that seems to me a bit complicated no?

Most often when romance develops from friendship it is from someone you know from work, or school over a large period of time where the attraction grew. But the idea that you would start as friends first with a total stranger seems odd and misleading. But that is my two cents.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 55
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/15/2012 8:44:23 AM

Most often when romance develops from friendship it is from someone you know from work, or school over a large period of time where the attraction grew...


This is how most cheaters become cheaters. I can't imagine being in a situation where I consider someone I see everyday for months or years as just another fellow employee or classmate and feel nothing romantically, then one day a light bulb lights up in my head and suddenly think to myself "I want to have a romantic relationship with her." What does this say about the Law of Instant Chemistry that many people, primarily women, follow religiously and consider it as the center of the universe-knowing within a few seconds if the person is "The One" or with some fine tweaking can be turned into the "The One"?

Also, if you feel romance must start off as platonic friends first, would you trust a partner to have friends of the opposite sex, even if he/she says it's platonic?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 56
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/15/2012 8:55:25 AM
Just another politically correct way to say no hanky panky upfront is all. I think most just want to be known before being molested after a few dates is all. We're not all content with expected promiscuity some seem to feel entitled to.
 The Black wolf
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 57
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/15/2012 9:27:30 AM
Listen up for those who complain about it there is are reason's maybe there are people on here who don't want marriage or go deep in to a relationship. We live in tuff times jobs are getting harder to find in some states gas,food rent etc has gone up some people having it hard living on a monthly check who i may say are disabled so that's one of many reasons some rather take it slow they have no idea what is gonna happend.

Some been screwed around to many times lied to and cheated on that they decide to want a relationship but want to make it work like building a house you start from a foundation first.Besides people you can't control sex it's nature we are humans it's gonna happen on it's own it's not like we plan it as in the do list .

To be friends is very importain you want to get to know the one your with some rush in to it find out later on that person has issue'ssuch as drugs,drink,abusive,control freak,demanding,etc, And yes i spoke to a few who rushed in to relationships now regret it some i knew in divorce court married less than 2 years. No one wants to put them selfs in a hot spot i had been there myself married young more less the women i was with was a bit older and became a control freak and wanted everything there way it taught me a lession not to jump in to something untill i know wth iam geting in to.So some of use injoy friendship it don't hurt to talk and get to know some one unless your in a rush want a man to sweep u of your feet you can go down that road but i promise it won't last long.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 58
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/15/2012 11:04:57 AM

Some been screwed around to many times lied to and cheated on that they decide to want a relationship but want to make it work like building a house you start from a foundation first


The foundation is the chemical sexual attraction between two brains who wish to procreate and survive. The relationship is simply an ancillary correlation. I'm sorry, but this is the biological truth.

Bending things around will not change what the foundation is.
 I_AM_THE_LORAX
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 59
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/17/2012 10:47:51 AM
For men = "I am harmless, see? I am not going to use you, I am not going to have sex with you and run away, I am implying a guarantee that I am going to stick around for a while, I'm not just after one thing, so I am safe, secure, I offer this to you, come here sweet little bunny, I'm not gonna hurt you, you can trust me, I'm one of the good ones. I may also have issues regarding negative views of sex or myself. I don't want it to be leading down the road to feeeeeelings and calling each other schmoopy whoopy every 3 seconds, I want to go out and do shit."

second translation:

i want to manipulate the meaning of words to my benefit. i want to see if i can get you to drop your guard and self respect so i can tap it then use the phrase like its intended as a loophole out while judging you while at the same time denying that i'm a hypocrite...
 DeadPoetScience
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 61
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/17/2012 3:52:27 PM
OP, do you mean to say that MEN have this in their profiles?

Possible reasons:
1) They only think you want to read that, so they add it.
2) They are submissive and possibly wimpy men.
3) They had their profile written by one of their female friends.
4) They don't actually know for themselves how to be a friend first, so they are trying to appeal to women who do, because then the woman can take the lead in that department. (This may be exactly the same as #2)
5) But there is very, very small chance that they were burned by a highly clingy woman in the past who tried to jump into a deep relationship without actually knowing each other first, so they're just trying to keep the psychos at bay.
 The Black wolf
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 62
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/17/2012 6:50:25 PM
Dear promethius76,


The foundation is the chemical sexual attraction between two brains who wish to procreate and survive. The relationship is simply an ancillary correlation. I'm sorry, but this is the biological truth.

Bending things around will not change what the foundation is?


So in your way of thinking is with your third legg?Let me ask you this my friend sex is must be the number 1 thing on your mind is it not??? Love come's in all shapes and size's granted there are a lot who judge other's for there look's,weight,religion.etc those type of people are the ones who rather be picky and has to have everything there way and there never happer who they are with that's why there hopping around dating differnt people.

Another thing is sex maybe one of manythings in a relationship but it aint everything. If anything life i s way to importain and to build a relationship is like building a foundation if u want to build a strong and heathy life then it takes 2 to work it and the reason why people get divorced or split up is they didn't take the time to really get to know the other that's why some of us rather not jump in to something we may regret.There is nothing wrong in taking ones time.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 63
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/17/2012 7:20:12 PM
there are people out there who want a just add water to the box instant relationship ( and by that I also mean within a year or two). I think those are what they are talking about. I just read a post after two months and six dates she is ready to date someone as bf/gf they havent gotten to know each other.
But then as i say in some forum in some form I dont know I dont date
 laughtostayyoung
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 64
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 4:33:03 PM
Friends first:

Mans perspective = I will not expect you to swallow on our first sexual encounter

Woman's perspective = If I like your car and house I will do whatever it takes to hook you.
 Sunshinelady555
Joined: 4/10/2012
Msg: 65
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 4:58:30 PM

HA!! Yeah right...friends first...but with all the benefits of actually being in a relationship.


Yes, that is probably what that means for many Men. LOL
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 66
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 6:43:36 PM
It means I'm not going to rush into a romantic relationship with someone I barely know. Let's give it a while to see if we actually like being with each other and are compatible as partners before we even think about getting intimate. It means I'd rather build an intimate relationship with someone I care about and have come to know rather than get intimate first and then see if we can build a relationship after the fact.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 67
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:15:00 PM
It means I'm not going to rush into a romantic relationship with someone I barely know. Let's give it a while to see if we actually like being with each other and are compatible as partners before we even think about getting intimate. It means I'd rather build an intimate relationship with someone I care about and have come to know rather than get intimate first and then see if we can build a relationship after the fact.


Perhaps on the disney channel this is real, however I respectfully disagree. Real grown up adults know how to date without pressure or expectations getting in the way. Only those with control issues or those out of balance must declare the friends first approach.

The significant problem with this equation is who decides when you proceed from friends status to romance status? The person with control issues usually feels entitled to deliver the verdict.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 68
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:19:11 PM
there are people out there who want a just add water to the box instant relationship( and by that I also mean within a year or two)

Having a relationship form within a year or two is by no means an indicator of an instant-relationship. An instant-relationship is one that happens within a matter of a few weeks, not months. And no matter what, you are what you do, and the seriousness is on that level (+mutual emotions). Labels by themselves carry no weight; they just indicate boundaries and outline expectations.

just read a post after two months and six dates she is ready to date someone as bf/gf they havent gotten to know each other.

2 months is enough time to become bg/gf. That's not insta. However, just 6 dates within 2 months -- that's not many. I could see going steady, sure. Maybe if they talked a ton or worked together or were around each other that were non-dates a decent amount, then sure, that'd fill that gap of "only" 6 dates in that timeframe. But seeing each other only 6 times, yeah, that's too spaced apart and indicates it'd continue to be so too.

It's best to let it be what it is -- if you end up spending a lot of time together, it just tends to happen, then you look over your shoulder and think "Hey, I think it's pretty safe to say we're an item". It doesn't mean serious with wedding bells -- just an item... and if that continues, the word "girlfriend" "boyfriend" will start to stick after others start referring to them that way, and then they'll use it, etc. 2 months? If they hit it off decently well, sure. I'd hope after 2 months of seeing each other 1.5-2.5 times a week, they would solidly be an item, and at least be referred to as "new" boyfriend/girlfriend by most around them.

Why sit around for months being not-a-couple but hanging out, unless you DON'T want a relationship? (Which can legitimately happen on purpose) But if one's open to a relationship and aren't looking for friends-with-benefits, then there's no point in lingering in barely-more-than platonic mode for too long. Waste of time, and it's just awkwardness & fear-of-relationships taking control.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 69
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 9:25:42 PM
It seems like friendship and romance is always best developed simultaneously, which is why friends first appears to be a cumbersome approach and the ambiguity an uncomfortable situation.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 70
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/18/2012 9:29:57 PM

The significant problem with this equation is who decides when you proceed from friends status to romance status?


This has always been my question with regards to this subject.

Is it like, we platonically date for 3, 4, 5 months or so, and then all of a sudden a light bulb goes on in her head and she says, "OK, I'm ready for romance now"?

I prefer "friends concurrently" myself.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 71
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/19/2012 1:49:51 PM
Real grown up adults know how to date without pressure or expectations getting in the way.

Who said it had nothing to do with dating? You can date as friends getting to know each other as people without the pressure of it having to be anything more than getting to know each other. Allow it to progress through stages.... Previous generations would call it courting.

How many forums on POF are there from some sad soul complaining of giving away their heart +/ or body, too soon only to find they used abuse, or otherwise dumped by what they hoped would have been the real thing?


Only those with control issues or those out of balance must declare the friends first approach.
Perhaps those with self control, or do not have a need to control others. If you were attracted and respected the person, would you pressure him/her into proving they love you? If you demanded they prove themselves sexually before they were ready, you would be the one with the control issues. Would you need to check out the goods before you decided if they were worth your serious attention?


The significant problem with this equation is who decides when you proceed from friends status to romance status?
Ah.... you both do. Maybe you even talk about it. You allow the relationship to become more emotionally intimate... as trust and sense of it being genuine relationship (safe), you feel more willing to share your heart with each other... when you are both ready the physical part will usually take care of itself.


The person with control issues usually feels entitled to deliver the verdict.
How so? A relationship needs to progress... I suppose if one person wanted a more significant relationship and the other person was holding back indefinitely, one would have to decide if the relationship were going anywhere and make the wisest choice s/he/they could.

Consider it like building a fire... you can throw a match into newspaper and you get an intense flame... that burns itself out leaving you feeling all cold again.... or you can start with a bit of tinder.. add some kindling... gradually add more fuel ... more likely to have warm and steady glow that can keep you warm through not just a night... but maybe a lifetime.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 72
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/19/2012 2:03:44 PM

You can date as friends getting to know each other as people without the pressure of it having to be anything more than getting to know each other. Allow it to progress through stages.... Previous generations would call it courting.


How do you date as friends? Do you feel the sudden urge to hold your buddy's hand when you lock eyes over a pool table? Do you hold the door open for your male cousins or brothers? Do you brush the small of your friend's back as you enter the room after him?


Consider it like building a fire... you can throw a match into newspaper and you get an intense flame... that burns itself out leaving you feeling all cold again.... or you can start with a bit of tinder.. add some kindling... gradually add more fuel ... more likely to have warm and steady glow that can keep you warm through not just a night... but maybe a lifetime.


You seem confused.

Dating is the flame, the participants are the fuel... Very big distinction you should understand.

A friendship would not have a flame to begin with.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 73
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/19/2012 9:33:34 PM
yes I am a bit confused on that myself. I think men and women can be strictly platonic freinds (as all my best friends are females and there is no relationship wanted on either side). I think like a garden love grows and matures and it has to be watered and fed and weeded. I never see any quick relationship no matter what work.
I know people (all of them still wed ) that were freinds and had no intention of dating anyone or each other that it grew to a point of not being able to ignore it.
 The Black wolf
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 74
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/20/2012 9:16:59 PM
The point is some of you aint getting it some of you have sex on the brain .Let me break it to you in better tearms boy meet girl girl meets boy they go out as (friends) to a movie,etc to get to know each other to see if theres a spark to understandthe other to learn from the other .Make any sense or would you people rather pick a random date and have tons of sex and then drop them for another or some will call it friends with benafits.

(FRIENDS BEFOR MARRIAGE BEFORE DEEP RELATION DO MAKE SENSE IF YOU TAKE THE SEX OUT OF THE HEAD MAYBE THEN YOU WILL LEARN A FEW THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER FIRST .Would be nice to know who the hell your having sex with and if there is any feeling also know if the person is clean
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 75
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/20/2012 9:26:04 PM
Traditionally, courtship pretty much was about being given permission by the father of the woman you would be courting through letters or dialogue, to be not only friends, but possibly more. In fact, courtship or letter writing often tended to be flirtatious, or possibly provocative. There is a reason why Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice is still is reading material for high school students. That book definitely isn't about friendships alone, but the romance and courtship that is built concurrently.
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