Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 76
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
a_gent, I have to agree with promethius76, about what you've said, and here's my thoughts to it...


You can date as friends getting to know each other as people without the pressure of it having to be anything more than getting to know each other. Allow it to progress through stages.... Previous generations would call it courting.

Date as friends? That's an oxymoron. You're not just friends if you're going out on Dates. What you're talking about it taking things (very very) slow -- not actually being just friends. If you were talking about just friends, the guy isn't going to pick up the bill when going out, he's not going to touch her in any of 'those' subtle ways, nor kiss her, etc. Even if you're "courting" you're not just friends. Being 'friends' = platonic. Going out on Dates = non-platonic, even if kept at PG and not even PG-13.

A good way to know you're not REALLY just "friends": If you can't do whatever it is you're doing/saying/being with another girl when you have a girlfriend -- you're not just "friends". You can't court a girl or go out even on a very casual/no-expectations date with a girl, when you have a girlfriend, right? Great -- you're not just "friends". If you think it is just friends, you could say to your gf when she's all WTF: "But honey, she and I are just friends!"

If you were attracted and respected the person, would you pressure him/her into proving they love you?

Love? If we're talking about the initial stages of boy-and-girl getting to know each other, I don't think actual love is a factor. But let's replace that with 'really like you'. No. People have control issues if they want friends-first -- much the same as taking it pain-stakingly-slow. They don't want to be hurt and they many times want an escape hatch if they aren't that interested, and to keep options open, as well. It's just a "wholesome" version of a playa. Now, I'm not advocating going too quick. That depends on the situation & the person, but meeting someone at a bar, online, work party, etc., exchanging #s and meeting up 1-on-1, you can't re-create a situation as if they were someone in your social circle you had attraction to, and when everyone went out you got to know them, and then something mutually "clicked". That's friends-first -- not on purpose, but by happenstance.

If you demanded they prove themselves sexually before they were ready, you would be the one with the control issues.

I don't think (too many) guys run around 'demanding' a woman 'proves herself' sexually before she's ready. Being (just) friends first, or shall I say, role-playing in that way, is unnecessary. If the concern is not having sex too early, just don't have sex too early. Maybe take it a bit slower, too. But just because someone doesn't want to role-play "platonic friends" for a month or two or three, or even nix that but instead go very very slow (where the 6th date still feels like the 1st), doesn't mean they're wanting to push Sex and have control issues about it -- even if internally they would be up for sex 'too early'. The person doing the demanding is the one who wants to go crazy-slow (6th date feeling just as if you're still on the 1st), or play silly role-playing games of "platonic friends".
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 77
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/21/2012 1:15:49 PM

The point is some of you aint getting it some of you have sex on the brain


Not one person who has presented intellectual and valid arguments against this practice has mentioned sex as their ultimate and only goal. I think you are the one with sex on the brain.


they go out as (friends) to a movie,etc to get to know each other to see if theres a spark to understandthe other to learn from the other


They go out on a date as people who are going out on a date. From the moment smile met smile they are a potential couple. Healthy individuals do not draw lines in the sand to protect themselves from what may or may not happen.



FRIENDS BEFOR MARRIAGE BEFORE DEEP RELATION DO MAKE SENSE IF YOU TAKE THE SEX OUT OF THE HEAD MAYBE THEN YOU WILL LEARN A FEW THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER FIRST


A relationship is defined by intimacy between two people. I seriously don't know why you have this attitude as it will not endear you to women. You have made the mistake of asking the prey how to hunt, and now you will starve.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 78
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/21/2012 1:26:32 PM
Whether you agree or not is irrelevant.

The OP asked for an explanatory opinion.

One was provided.

You do it your way.

Best of luck to you.

You may need it.
 The Black wolf
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 79
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 12:11:20 AM
promethius76, My friend i get more respect from women then i do men you know why i sit down and talk to them i understand them what the hell there going through in life .All i get from women is your one of a kind guy i ask why they tell me this right out that not once have i tried to sleep with them or talked sex to them i treat them like a human being not like a sex toy wich infact some guys do use them .I met some really desent people sadly not from this site but in public most find start of as friends is not a bad idea to see if there is a connection a spark and if it moves a few steps forward then so be it it was ment to be. I don't drew over womens pic's or chase after them in bars or have contest in how many women i slept with with buddys .

A relationship is defined by intimacy between two people?
A relationship is based on trust,communication .companionship friendship .all in one.
But also i can say i have more of a chance to meet some one out side at a party or in a store or any where than hang around waiting for some one here on thease sites. I only stay here for forum's and chat with people and IF i started talking to some one and if it went further then it was also ment to be i don't rush in to relationships i don't jump in the sack on the first date besides on the first date how well would you know the person? See thats always the question i see it in the newspapers even on tv about dating sites and social net work sites you never know who the person is to you really get to know them first hand thats why some of us rather take things slow not rock the boat to see if it is the right person.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 80
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 1:07:08 AM
women put ""friends first"" either cuz they are truly really weak and give it up easy and the are HOPING for a guy to actually like them for more than just sex...ie hope the guy waits a while so she can have gf and not think she is the ez girl she really is..



or


it is for the women who are scared of men and are scared of sex in any form and are tryin to get a guy to like her without having sex, cuz she has sooo many sexual issues and hangups over sex.... from prior relationships....perhaps even incest that she is hoping a guy will actually lke her on tha real sans sex...
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 81
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 5:08:14 AM
What is really meant by the, "friends first" phrase, is that people want the closeness of a best friend in addition to the intimacy of a lover. They want themselves to be the first person you think about when someone hands you free tickets to a baseball game, concert or some other event(not because of money so much as the closeness of the relationship). They want to be the person you REALLY like to spend time with doing EVERYTHING instead of just the person with whom you want to have sex. Unfortunately, this is a really tall order and it doesn't happen often.

It took me a long time and a really good friend to help me understand this, but it's true. I always kept the two things totally separate and that was a mistake.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 82
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 5:15:50 AM

promethius76, My friend i get more respect from women then i do men you know why i sit down and talk to them i understand them what the hell there going through in life .All i get from women is your one of a kind guy i ask why they tell me this right out that not once have i tried to sleep with them or talked sex to them i treat them like a human being not like a sex toy wich infact some guys do use them .I met some really desent people sadly not from this site but in public most find start of as friends is not a bad idea to see if there is a connection a spark and if it moves a few steps forward then so be it it was ment to be. I don't drew over womens pic's or chase after them in bars or have contest in how many women i slept with with buddys .


You continue this practice and I will continue actually having sex with them.

As a side note: You are aware that human beings enjoy sex right? So if you're not talking about sex with someone; you're not treating them like a human being.



closeness of a best friend in addition to the intimacy of a lover


That is the definition of a lover.

Lovers have to be friends, by definition, but the friendship part doesn't develop first.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 83
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 6:02:51 AM

That is the definition of a lover.

Lovers have to be friends, by definition, but the friendship part doesn't develop first.


Unless you believe you have formed a friendship during a one night stand which might possibly be slightly above an acquaintance at best. you're misinformed. Yes, you can have sex with someone and not necessarily be friends with them. In fact, the, "friendship" usually ends the next morning.

The best relationships/marriages I've ever seen are between people who truly enjoy spending time with each other as well as thier friends, and it is rare.
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 84
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 6:56:29 AM

Unless you believe you have formed a friendship during a one night stand which might possibly be slightly above an acquaintance at best. you're misinformed. Yes, you can have sex with someone and not necessarily be friends with them. In fact, the, "friendship" usually ends the next morning.


A one night stand does not make a lover.

Only sex does not equal a lover and only friends does not equal a lover. It is a balance, as with everything else in life.


The best relationships/marriages I've ever seen are between people who truly enjoy spending time with each other as well as thier friends, and it is rare.


Think about this logically and without emotion; if something is rare than it is not normal.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 85
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 7:14:07 AM

A one night stand does not make a lover.


As I understand it, it is someone with whom you have a sexual relation. Do you have another definition?
 prometheus76
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 86
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/23/2012 9:39:16 AM

As I understand it, it is someone with whom you have a sexual relation. Do you have another definition?


Since its root word is "love", I do not define the term "lover" as someone I have no emotional connection to.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 87
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:23:00 PM
I think freinds first, freinds only whatever is a good thing. For me it is something I put in there (freinds only not looking for a relationship) because then right from the start women know there is no chance with this cowboy. If it goes beyond freindship then they have to look elsewhere.
It lets them know from the start to drive me away so those three little words consisting of eight letters.
They know there is no sex that is or ever will be involved,
but also on the other hand it also lets them know that if their heart is broken by someone that there is always a freind there that is of the oppistie sex with no feelings for more. Also it lets women know that there is no jealousy when you meet and they meet someone and start dating someone.
there is a lot of reasons as to why we say friends first. And we all have different reasons.
My reason is simple I dont date im not looking for dont and wont want a relationship so women know down the road dont expect anything from the start.
 arts, dining, music, w/u
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 88
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/25/2012 8:03:04 AM
I would never have carnal relations with someone that is a friend first. Once the boundry of friendship have been set then it would seem strange to think of a female friend in a sexual manner. I have several female friends and co-workers who I do not think of in a sexual way. Now women that I have relationships with is a different matter. One can become friends once an intimate relationship is in place and continue with a physical relationship.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 89
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:59:14 PM
What is really meant by the, "friends first" phrase, is that people want the closeness of a best friend in addition to the intimacy of a lover.

Why not go with another common phrase "looking for best friend & lover"? I've seen that. I don't think "friends first" means that. It at least means acting like friends first, then at least potentially a relationship... instead of being more-than-friends on any notable scale, to avoid expectations or feelings being hurt (which it can only quell a bit; not good bang for the buck).

They want to be the person you REALLY like to spend time with doing EVERYTHING instead of just the person with whom you want to have sex. Unfortunately, this is a really tall order and it doesn't happen often.

Yes, and so do people who don't need to or want to role-play as 'just friends' first either. People aren't running around starting relationships as f-buddies. That's not the norm anyway. And if anything, "friends first" could imply the cousin to a f-buddy on some people's minds -- friends w/ benefits.

You're going to develop a friendship when you're getting to know someone, whether you're porking, planning to pork, or never want to pork. Nixing sexual relations out of the equation early on doesn't mean you're just friends or anything close to being just friends.

As I understand it, it is someone with whom you have a sexual relation. Do you have another definition?

I do. It's someone you are having on-going sexual relationS with. I wouldn't consider someone I had a good conversation with once a real "friend". But if I frequently have good conversations with them, then I would. If I pointed out a girl in a room as someone I once was datING, I would be in error, if I just once had a blind date and that was that. Again, implications of something on-going.

I wouldn't say it implies actual love. But something ongoing obviously means there are feelings on some level (assuming it's not a hooker experience). Much like "making love" equated with "sexual intercourse", doesn't mean you are actually IN love with that person. As a side note, if you want someone to fall in love with you, why not MAKE love? :)

One can become friends once an intimate relationship is in place and continue with a physical relationship.

I think a friendship starts in the beginning no matter what. You start bonding, whether or not you end that 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th night off with a heavy makeout session or more. I think there's a fear that that's going to be always on the mind or what they're really after... but usually it's just that people fear getting their heart broken or breaking someone else's heart by too-high expectations. If they want to continue to be just friends first, after initially meeting you and bonding a bit -- they lack interest in you "in that way".
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 90
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/26/2012 9:21:21 AM
If you start out as friends first, it means you're still in the market and can date others in the meantime or have a FWB since romance is not part of the equation and the two of you aren't actually boyfriend/girlfriend yet-you're still at the "just friends" stage. How many people would want that with a person that might be "The One". What happens when one wants to progress past the "just friends" phase and the other wants to stay as "just friends" a little longer? Would that make either one as dumping/kick to the curb material?
 cooper777123
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 91
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/27/2012 12:24:17 PM
what is a friend??? does any1 have any??? i have maybe 3..1 that i know is my true friend the others are from this world so im not sure...define friend....i always thought my mother was my friend was she???better yet love is more real than a friend cant be friends without love...how could it be possible???it cant so to just meet and call htem a friend is impossible i would think...so people think about the statement friends 1st...infact think about all things without love ther cant be anything does that make sense???i think so why wouldnt it???1st we must learn to love before anything else!!!!peace and love to all !!!!!
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 92
view profile
History
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 10/5/2015 9:08:11 PM
I prefer to start out as enemies first.

Nothing better than angry sex.
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 10/6/2015 7:17:51 PM

What is the point of stating friends first in a profile?

This kind of thing started when women started assuming that a man just wanted to f-ck her / already decided that he wanted to, and didn't have any other motivations, if he expressed some interest in her. But also because many people's practice was to start things sexually, and then see "how things went" afterwards.
 GhettoFoot
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 94
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/5/2016 7:05:35 PM
"Friends first" on a dating site is code for, "I don't know what I want". Whenever I'd meet men off here who told me "I'm just looking for friends", that was our last date. I wouldn't contact them anymore or respond to them either. As far as online, I came on here to date with the intention of being in a romantic relationship eventually. I've dated men who were my friends first, yes, but we met in real life and were genuine friends for some time before we even went on our first date.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 95
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/6/2016 12:54:12 PM
I likely posted this already, but in case not...ever hear the joke, "men fake a relationship in order to get sex, women fake an interest in sex in order to get a relationship?" Some theorize that, generally speaking, many ladies like to make a connection. Just getting laid isn't enough, they want to feel they are important to their partner. Special. Sex isn't an achievement, its a potential sign of that connection. If all that theory is true, then its likely some women prefer to connect on a platonic level first, become a friend before a girlfriend. They may want to have sex with someone who's personality they can stand. A fellow, on the other hand, might see a woman with long straight hair, hourglass figure, stacked like a Barbie doll and think, "i could put up with her personality or lack of it, if I only got her in the sack."

and, yes, there are also likely those who don't know what they're looking for in life, but once they see it, they'll know they like it. Sort of like college freshman who have no clue of a major, but figure they can waste their parents' money for a few years until something bites them on the ass so they'll know its right.
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 96
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/6/2016 2:27:57 PM
I don't think it's always about sex, maybe it is about 20% of the time (unscientific guess)
For the most part it's some one not looking to rush into a relationship.
Personally I have a similar WTF reaction when I see "Looking for someone to marry" on a profile.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 97
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/6/2016 5:09:34 PM

and, yes, there are also likely those who don't know what they're looking for in life, but once they see it, they'll know they like it.


It's more like what people would settle for if the knight in shining armor or Cinderella doesn't show up at their door step. People are adamant about never settling, but in order to never settle, that would mean you have exposure to and the opportunity to date every available single person on the planet who meets your basic criteria. Personally, I don't anyone who can meet the thousands or the millions of people that would potentially fit the bill. Most people do something really silly, like wanting to meet that special someone in their neighborhood or at least in their general area. But what if Mr. or Miss Special For Me lives in Uruguay or Macedonia or Singapore or Bulgaria? Are you going to pass up the opportunity to find out and settle for someone just because they live closer? That defeats the purpose of not settling.
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 98
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/7/2016 3:07:53 AM

But what if Mr. or Miss Special For Me lives in Uruguay or Macedonia or Singapore or Bulgaria?


They say there is some one for for everyone. I'm convinced my someone lives on an uncharted island somewhere of the coast of Borneo...
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 99
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/7/2016 6:47:52 AM
Friends first - it's usually people with a bad picker who say that. Sometimes they have issues.... many who say that are on the rebound.... so that phrase is a red flag. They think if they keep love out of it, they can choose more wisely.

The problem is, if you freindszone them, they will probably always be just friends.

To find a good catch you have to know what you are doing. If you are using your intuition and not rationalizing, you can usually weed the bad matches out within a few dates, before you totally fall head-over-heals.... so it's not necessary to have a black heart - you won't fall in love that quick anyway.

You usually become friends and lovers at about the same time. And usually things go pretty quickly. When it goes, it goes. Just don't get married for a couple of years.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 100
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/7/2016 10:38:52 AM

I'm convinced my someone lives on an uncharted island somewhere of the coast of Borneo...


Ginger?
Or MaryAnn?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????