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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????      Home login  
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 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 101
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

People are adamant about never settling, but in order to never settle, that would mean you have exposure to and the opportunity to date every available single person on the planet who meets your basic criteria.

If I am trying to find a pickup truck, I don't need to look at every vehicle there is because I don't want to settle for a car. If I'm seeing a bunch of cars, and no pickup truck that doesn't look like a Tonka toy, I'm not going to settle. If I do find a truck that does the job, so to speak, I don't need to look at all other pickup trucks. I've found what I'm looking for, and haven't settled.


To find a good catch you have to know what you are doing. If you are using your intuition and not rationalizing, you can usually weed the bad matches out within a few dates

This wouldn't quite make sense as worded, else is self-contradictory. Myself, I'm going to be using rationality...which technically includes intuition. I figure that this is the too-often mis-use of the term 'intuition' which is never quite clear or consistent or accurate.
 maybeebaybee1
Joined: 10/23/2016
Msg: 102
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 8:41:06 AM
It's because they see themselves as such good catches -- I mean, they have it all -- they're hotter than Georgia asphalt in July, they possess Mensa-grade intelligence, they have awesome jobs making 6 figures -- they don't want you falling in love with them on the first date lol

That's another one of those phrases that makes me laugh -- just like "everyone thinks I'm 10 years younger" ... no, your friends are just trying to save your feelings ;)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 103
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 1:09:33 PM

"Friends first" on a dating site is code for, "I don't know what I want".

It certainly can be code for that.

It can also mean "I want to be able to be taken out, but not have to call it a real date or create obligations. I can be taken out multiple times with nothing beyond flirting, and he can't complain. I won't even have pressure to tell him that I don't find him attractive and there's a 95% chance I Don't want to truly date him, while he can still take me out -- because, hey, I called it and he agreed -- we're just friends."

It can also mean "I want to go out on a date with a gal, but not have to call it a real date or create obligations. We can go out multiple times and fool around -- which is the motivator to all this -- but not have to be tied down to being a couple. She can't complain if she hears about me out with some girl -- because she agreed to being friends, ie we're not an item!"

I think generally though, it's like running "the option" in football. I'll call it one thing if I like you and call it another thing if I don't so much. I can say it was friends first, but, like, up until the point of meeting/connecting on that first meet -- if I LIKE you, to clarify. I can say I just like to take things slow and be friends first if I don't really like you so much, so I can get free meals & attention (gals) OR physical fulfillment (guys). A win-win. :)
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 104
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 2:30:36 PM


Ginger?
Or MaryAnn?

Ah, the eternal question. A man could spend his life in search of an answer to that question. Travel around the world, consult with all of the wise men, and the gurus, and still not find the answer.

But, damn, ain’t it fun doing the research???? (insert evil grin here)

But to get back to the thread title, “What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????” The only point I can see is if they’re trying to say that they are not interested in sex. Or at least not for a L-O-O-N-N-N-G-G-G-G time. Which means, of course, that I’m not interested in them, so they just did me a favor by disqualifying themselves.



That's another one of those phrases that makes me laugh -- just like "everyone thinks I'm 10 years younger" ... no, your friends are just trying to save your feelings ;)

So the other night I’m out with my meetup group, for singles over 50. I’m talking to a woman who is a member, also has a profile here on POF which states her age as 56. She tells me she only dates men in their 40’s or younger, because she looks to be in her 40’s. I wasn’t sure whether I should point out that she actually does look her age, or just remind her that she’s hanging out with a meetup group made up exclusively of people over her age limit.

People often don’t think before speaking.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 105
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 3:35:21 PM

People often don’t think before speaking.


NO WAY!!! LOL

?Friends first, enemies second?
I have no idea what people mean when they claim "Friends first".
I have never met a man /dated a man............ who told me, he was looking for a friend.
Nor have I thought it/said it or write it.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 106
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 4:27:57 PM

I have no idea what people mean when they claim "Friends first".

They can mean several different things -- and change the meaning on-the-fly after they meet someone. But what all the meanings at least have in common is: "We're not going out on Dates at first, we're becoming Friends before crossing platonic lines."

What the statement Factually says is being JUST friends at first, even though some users will claim they don't mean it that way... but just look at the statement. If you don't mean JUST friends, why say it? Without said intent, you're still building a friendship relationship -- whether it has non-platonic implications woven into it or not, from the get-go. Some Do mean what it says -- Just Friends, at first. Okay. If that's the case, the guy can hit on the waitress and get her # right in front of the gal. "Suzy, why the long face? You said you want to be Just Friends -- so be my wing-lady!" :)

I think too many people try to re-create situations where they dating someone thru social groups... where they were group-friends which built higher, then agreed to go out on a date to Then cross that line. Problem is, you can't really do that on a match-making service -- you're just "playing house" when attempting to do that. If one says they're not playing house -- great. The promoter of said game should be fine with the other person getting the # of the waiter/waitress, and oh yeah, splitting the bill. :)
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 107
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 8:15:09 PM
Most people figure that in the course of becoming LOVERS, that they will also become FRIENDS, so it's a pointless statement to make.
Just as pointless to tell a guy you want to be FRIENDS after ripping out his heart and stomping on it. Sure, friends do that all the time.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 108
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/14/2016 9:23:17 PM
"Ginger? or Mary Ann?"

>>>both, one at a time. We're stuck on an island, what other options do they have? :)

thinking about the question again (no, the original one), I guess some people put "Friends first" as a suggestion they're not looking for a "hit it and quit it" but a "lay and stay" relationship. As for people not thinking before they speak, yeah, that one's always a head shaker, like someone with only cleavage shots in their profile that complains men are pigs. Still, they tend to find someone who believes their lie, otherwise they'd have to change to a routine that actually works.

a few people do tend to approach dating without much idea of a plan. Not surprisingly, there's other aspects of life they approach with not much of a plan, just a hope to come out OK.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 109
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/15/2016 8:53:16 AM


Most people figure that in the course of becoming LOVERS, that they will also become FRIENDS, so it's a pointless statement to make.
Just as pointless to tell a guy you want to be FRIENDS after ripping out his heart and stomping on it. Sure, friends do that all the time.


I wish we had a LIKE button on these forums. A big Plus 1 to the above.



Some Do mean what it says -- Just Friends, at first. Okay. If that's the case, the guy can hit on the waitress and get her # right in front of the gal. "Suzy, why the long face? You said you want to be Just Friends -- so be my wing-lady!" :)


NG, you are definitely starting to sound like abelian. Which is fine by me, I always had a lot of respect for him. But be warned: he was controversial, he generated a lot of heat here in the forums.

abelian made the same point about being friends, more than once. And it is 100% logical, which really pi__ed off the people who disagreed with him. There is nothing that people hate more than someone who busts their bubbles, who makes them look ..., well, stupid.



"Ginger? or Mary Ann?"

>>>both, one at a time. We're stuck on an island, what other options do they have? :)

GTO, we're in the 21st century, get with it, go modern! There's absolutely no reason to limit yourself to "one at a time".
 BlasphemousBombshell
Joined: 9/27/2016
Msg: 110
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/15/2016 5:39:08 PM
Gtomustang your comments in this thread have been great

Maybeebaybee1 you are SO right about everyone thinking they "look ten years younger". I am sick of the HIGH volume of people who claim this crap, they especially say this to justify going after someone WAY younger than them. "Well the twenty year olds shouldnt mind me hitting on 'em cause I look way younger than my age" says wrinkly bald guy with grey friar tuck ring of hair as he sucks in his pregnant appearing belly. I have YET to meet a single person who didn't think they look more youthful than their peers. People have to stop deluding themselves - getting up in years is NOT a bad thing, if you valued experience and wisdom more than looks, ya superficial freaks!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 111
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/16/2016 12:02:29 AM

I guess some people put "Friends first" as a suggestion they're not looking for a "hit it and quit it" but a "lay and stay" relationship.

I don't see that connection at all, tho, on the latter part mainly.

On the first part, yeah, many don't want a "hit it and quit it", but, to some, that Is an option. Some will use Friends First as politically-correct/nice-sounding way of saying "I'm not really ready to date, just want to hang out." And putting myself in the mindset of many I've talked to:

"How we are between each other -- no, it's not platonic, even though I'm looking for 'friends first'. It's not romantic either though, nor any romantic/couplish expectations -- and That's the Point -- so we're "just friends" in THAT regard... no pressure. Hey, after some time it COULD blossom. But that's why I say 'friends First'."

Many who mean it in this regard may not be motivated TO "hit it and quit it" obviously, but the phrase isn't used as an Avoidance of that ever happening many times, is my point -- just casual dating (in a way that doesn't Aim for it either). And I could go on about that quoted mindset's flaws, but I ramble too much as it is. :)

On the latter part, that one's looking for a "lay and stay" relationship -- do you mean "No delay on getting laid, but when we do, I want us to stay?" If so, I wouldn't say that mindset comes up with the "Friends First" term readily at all. I mean, some people of ANY mindset can use it applying it to just before & during the 1st meet (not a date!), or even to pen-pal and establish being (pen pal) friends until ever meeting. I do see some people who are Relationship Hunting use "Friends First", but I think many aren't giving it much thought and mean "Just because I'm looking for an LTR doesn't mean I'm looking to Jump into anything. I like to (at least) take it a little slow at first."

NG, you are definitely starting to sound like abelian. Which is fine by me, I always had a lot of respect for him. But be warned: he was controversial, he generated a lot of heat here in the forums.

I don't think what you quoted me on is very controversial. I was pointing out the flaws of the Concept of abiding by "Friends First" -- not actually saying one Should actually do that on a date to someone who goes by a "Friends First" mantra (although it would make for a hilarious Saturday Night Live skit).
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 112
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/16/2016 9:08:24 AM
thanks, BB. I think the "FsF" request on a profile does what it should do...filter out people who won't be a good fit.
 BBWloverIsHere
Joined: 4/9/2016
Msg: 113
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/16/2016 10:25:38 PM
I've used that line in the past, and just now start realizing it's probably confusing for women, because it's hard for them to understand that some of us look for more than just a f buddy. Sex is not as valuable as it used to be, since internet and free porn.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 114
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/17/2016 12:02:00 PM


Sex is not as valuable as it used to be, since internet and free porn.


Say what? What did you just say? Seriously? You think free porn is an actual substitute for a real live woman, in your arms, in your bed?

Dear god, if I ever sink that low, someone shoot me. Please.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 115
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/17/2016 9:52:07 PM
"You think free porn is an actual substitute for a real live woman, in your arms, in your bed?"

>>>I can't speak for what he may think or enjoy, but if porn addiction exists...then someone out there does prefer it, even when they have a wife.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 116
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/18/2016 11:03:02 AM

You think free porn is an actual substitute for a real live woman, in your arms, in your bed?

In my arms, in my bed, falling asleep together? Depends on the woman. After all, as the great Charlie Sheen once said -- a guy doesn't pay an escort to have sex... he pays her to leave. ;)

I think the main point is -- is porn an actual substitute for sex? Well, compared to really unsatisfying sex, it can be better if you're not watching porn all the time and know how to "make your own bed" pretty well in that regard. If one hasn't had sex in a good while, I think it's better of course. Many times, yeah, porn is kind of like Nicorette VS an actual cigarette... "It sucks, but it sucks less". :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 117
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 11/18/2016 10:02:17 PM
I'm not sure if one can discuss porn without discussing masturbation--they really do go hand-in-hand--but i'll step out on a limb and suggest that wearing a condom feels a bit like an oiled handjob. In that both are missing the unique feeling that only comes from going bareback. I don't think porn is a substitute for sex that ends in climax, b/c porn doesn't end in climax, its the masturbation that does. Is porn a sub for sex that doesn't end in climax (ie, a tease I guess)? That might be the more accurate question, and in my mind, its not a sub for getting to first or second base, b/c there isn't the other person there. I remember enjoying laying my head on a lover's bosom simply to hear the heartbeat and breathing--something never "heard" in a centerfold or other picture of a naked woman (Even one breastfeeding in National Geographic, for those old enough to remember the reference).
 alittledrummergirl
Joined: 5/21/2017
Msg: 118
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 9/23/2017 11:45:55 PM
The experience of physical bonding and all the hormonal effects on the brain are why *I* say 'friends first'.
I need a clear mind, a chance to build a relaxed familiarity and, above all, time to dream. If romantic activity is immediate, I can actually feel quite sick to my stomach if I begin a sexual relationship before I have formed a trusting companionship with a man.

I also want to know what he's like when he's not on his best behaviour, how he treats other people, animals, and how he copes when life doesn't go his way. He is entitled to the same opportunity.
 jco415
Joined: 1/4/2017
Msg: 119
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 9/24/2017 6:55:52 AM
I may not have it in my profile but I agree with the friends first policy. I want to get to know someone first...the real them without all of the pretenses. I also find that sex, especially if it's good, will make it more difficult to recognize the red flags. Besides, I think letting a little tension build up makes it better when it does happen anyway.

The problem is that even when women put that in their profile they want to rush right into sex anyway. In fact, I've come to recognize that the women that put friends first or anything like that in their profile are the ones who actually rush it. It's almost as if they are trying to convice themselves.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 120
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 9/24/2017 9:28:13 PM
For men, I do not believe friends first means holding off on sex while getting to know you. It's more like sex without commitment, lol! For me, I laugh at that, because it's old coots trying to be players.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 121
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 9/25/2017 11:26:18 AM

The experience of physical bonding and all the hormonal effects on the brain are why *I* say 'friends first'.

That's not a good reason. There is no good reason for it -- as it's ROLE PLAYING. It's playing baby games. :)

I need a clear mind, a chance to build a relaxed familiarity and, above all, time to dream.

But you're fooling yourself -- because it's Not Platonic. But you're Role Playing that it is *IF* you actually make yourself believe it (and the other person to at least play the role well enough too that it doesn't break that state of mind).

I also want to know what he's like when he's not on his best behaviour, how he treats other people, animals, and how he copes when life.

He's going to treat it The Same Way. He's going to be in another gear, and to some extent whether you know it or not -- so are You! You're NOT JUST FRIENDS! :)

You met on a matchmaking site -- the cat's out of the bag. If you can Actually convince yourself that you're Just Friends, that's kind of scary - lol. You're not. It doesn't mean serious by any means, but it's Not Strictly Platonic. Wake up! :)

If you truly are Just Friends -- you wouldn't mind him getting the waitress' number... or if you two were out for a long while having some drinks, him kissing the waitress in the parking lot when she got off her shift. If you're truly just friends (at first), during this period -- a boyfriend or husband would have No problem you going thru these motions... going on POF, finding a guy you're attractive to who is to you too, and going out together 1-on-1 (even to nothing fancy and it Calling it a 'date'). That's the Litmus test. If it fails, you're just trying to fool yourself. :)

Again, it's a Good idea in many situations to do a Low Key date/meet-up, minimizing expectations. But one has to LIE to themselves to think that it's Just Friends (at first). It's NOT. :)

For men, I do not believe friends first means holding off on sex while getting to know you. It's more like sex without commitment, lol!

I agree. It's role-playing there too -- hey, "we're just friends". You can say just-friends don't have sex. True. But he's just doing the same thing that girls pull. Because actual just-friends don't go out 1-on-1 either. If going on POF to meet someone who's cute and you're attracted to -- and then to go out with them is kosher when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife isn't cool -- You're NOT Just Friends! :) You're already crossing the line. So the classic guy playing the silly game -- is just doing the same thing. He's just not keeping it PG rated. :)
 a88ie100
Joined: 8/26/2017
Msg: 122
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 9/27/2017 3:15:15 AM
I find usually friends first is for the shy men and women. And they cant just jump into things and need time to think about it maybe.

But i hear that if you dont strike within a certain time frame the friend zone sticks.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 123
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 9/27/2017 10:31:54 PM
a88ie, inquiring minds want to know if you got together with your co-worker?☺
 Coltrane1953
Joined: 10/3/2017
Msg: 124
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 10/24/2017 2:53:46 AM
Its simply boundary setting and giving an option not to proceed if you don't think you will be compatible or if the other persons profile may not be what it seems on first meetings. Good sensible way to keep your options open if used sensibly. Anything after that is presumably between two consenting adults.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 125
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 10/24/2017 6:04:23 AM
Friends first? Get out of here with that horseshit. Laying down "ground rules" and dictating the course before the date has even occurred?? Just imagine how exciting and spontaneous a date like THAT would be! You already know what you're in for. Wow, that's so hot.

Jesus, what a way to ruin things with words.

"Friends first", she says? Ok, let's go out as "friends", and when I decide to hit on other women while we're out, she's not going to say a word, right? None of my other "friends" would care if I did. You want to play the "friends" crap with me, that's exactly what I will treat you like. Period.

Only a man who perceives himself as low value with no other options would subject himself to this blatant shit test.
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