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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Is "taking things slow" really necessary after the age of 45???      Home login  
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 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 26
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

You cannot get to know someone faster. You can only spend more time with them. And most people will be on their best behavior for a few months--so seeing them every day in that time means you are still seeing them on their best behavior.

Yes, you can. You should try it!
You may learn more about each other on one or two trips together than in one year of casual dating.
 purplepalooza
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 27
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/24/2012 11:33:28 PM
It seems when people talk about taking things slow BEFORE going into a full-blown relationship...it kinda implies that things change (for the worse?) when it's a "full-blown" relationship...as if things go bad simply because of entering into one.

Jumping in, and going for it, DOES make you get to know a person faster...simply because a person cannot keep pretending to be something their not if you're seeing each other everyday, etc. If it's an act on their part, it gets exhausting for them, and they crack. You find out quick if they're genuine.

To think of going along dating someone once or twice a week...being all casual and see where things go...blaaahhhhhhh....how BORING!

I want fun and excitement now...full blast. NOT little bits and pieces, here and there.

If you're compatible, it will work...no matter how fast you go.

Don't blame a failed relationship on the speed in which you entered into it. Taking it "slow" would have just probably prevented a "full-blown" relationship from actually happening...but so what?

With all the above being said, I would like to say that I have had two major relationships in my life ( combined total of 23 years), I've been divorced for 6 years, and have gone out with only 4 men. I'm no frivolous, serial dater due to my natural tendency to wanna jump in.

I just know what I want, and if he doesn't, or is a slow-poke....I get bored, and frustrated. Which ultimately means he's not right for me. I just haven't come across a man who is free-spirited, or DARING enough to jump in with both feet!

 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 28
Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/25/2012 10:45:53 AM
Just how big of a jump in are you looking for? Marriage? cohabitation? After just a couple of dates? Really?

Look-much as it sucks, a lot of men of middle age have gotten burnt-or think they did-in a divorce or the break-up of a cohabiting relationship.

Has nothing to do with being free-spirited or dating.

There is no law that says you may not see someone you are dating more often than once or twice a week, there is no law that says you MUST be in an "official relationship" to have sex.

There is also no law that you are confined to dating just one person at a time-provided you have not led any dating partners to believe that you and he are exclusive.

I can't help but wonder what the rush is, OP...love is a journey, not a destination.Enjoy the trip.
Cindy O
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 29
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/25/2012 12:40:23 PM
Dreamfire---doesn't that sort of limit the spontaneity of just enjoying life as it comes along? Relationship-wise I mean? Interacting with other folks can bring alot of fun and if just given the space....well, who knows how things will grow/or not. :) If the door is shut hard and fast, well...it's as if life has shut down on some level.--??--just wondering.
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Wow, Stargazin, such a different take than your one on my situation. You were so sure my guy is using me once a week because he hasn't made his intentions clear after a few months. And you were sure to let me know in a most rude, disrespectful way...Double standard??
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 30
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/25/2012 8:48:42 PM
Not about to hijack this thread, just wanted to point out how hypocritical you are, not that you would ever admit it. Your rudeness is what helped get my thread deleted.
 yellowdesertrose
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 31
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/26/2012 5:12:58 AM
Abelian - I am 53, widowed 5 years. I agree wholeheartedly with your comment of "It doesn't require any particular talent to make poor decisions, even if it takes a long time to make them. "
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 32
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/26/2012 5:33:11 AM

Boy are you ever losing me, in another thread you state do not move in with them..


Well, in that other thread I was talking about the effects on sexual activity caused by forming an increasingly solid relationship. Here the discussion is about taking things slowly. Its also about the meaning of "Dating". Is a couple who have been going out for 3 wears but have not moved in together still just"Dating"? In one sense yes, but I suspect that not all who consider themselves in committed relationships are living together, and I suspect many would consider the "Dating" phase pretty well over after a relationship becomes exclusive.

To me, "Dating" is past when you have slept with her more than a very few times. But then, I am a hopeless romantic.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 33
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/26/2012 6:15:46 AM
Ah well, as I said, the meaning of "Dating" is different for different folks. Actually, the behaviour you describe is to me perfectly normal when you are interacting with anyone. Just because a person is in a relationship does not mean you should have no respect for them as an independent person with a life of their own.

You are putting words in my mouth, Native. Your older son is just being polite and respectful partner to his wife, shows he was well brought up. I am surprised that you would think that others do not behave the same way towards their partners. At least, the ones in relationships that last behave that way.......
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 34
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/26/2012 6:25:05 PM
It takes time to get to know someone. Taking time is not playing cat and mouse, it's smart.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 35
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/26/2012 11:20:16 PM
Doesn't that depend on the people involved, and how open and sharing they are with their life experiences and feelings?

There is a woman from my past that claims to still be in love with me after seventeen years have passed. We have stayed in touch all these years, but beyond friendship...I just don't feel it. She's beautiful, classy and successful, but she's never been that open about her inner self...I guess she enjoyed being mysterious. Currently she seems to be somewhat more open, but it's too late now. I never felt like I really knew her, or ever would......so anything short of a hundred years would have been too soon for me to commit to her. On several occasions she has ask if I ever felt that leaving her was a mistake.......truthfully, how would I ever know?
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 36
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 7:04:36 AM
If both parties are hoping the other will be 'the one', their mate for life, why rush things?


The same reason I do arithmetic in my head. Until I have a lobotomy, I can, without making lots of mistakes.
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It seems someone has never made the mistake of rushing into a relationship by being too trusting, or just likes to be opposing a lot.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 38
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 7:48:29 AM
Abelian:
The same reason I do arithmetic in my head. Until I have a lobotomy, I can, without making lots of mistakes.

If you start using a calculator for the easy problems, the ones you can do in your head, pretty soon you will not be able to perform them without the calculator. Conversely, if you push yourself, you can keep all of your present cognitive skills and develop new ones.


Glenoran1:
If you go cross-country by car, or if you get there by plane, you arrive at the same destination. But how much do you miss by just overflying it?

Your analogy does not hold up. If I am starting a relationship, I can learn a lot more about a person in a short while if we are not playing games about when or if we will have sex.


Every shared happy experience or new insight into the depth of the other's character increases the appreciation of that person.

Yes, and I enjoy it even more if we are intimate instead of playing games.

I don’t think anyone is going to change their mind based on what is said here. Which means we are just talking to hear ourselves talk. Note to self: Find another, better hobby.
 nandom
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 39
Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 8:44:39 AM
I totally agree with gcdeb. if you don't know who you are and what you want by now....then when will you know?? Also if I meet someone I'm thinking the next 20 years or so because i want to spend my life with someone and give them the benefit of my experience.
 Broadway_Bess
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 40
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 9:51:42 AM
Deciding to fully commit to a life together takes some time to get to. To commit to just "see each other exclusively"---not so long.


As expected, this thread has shown that people's perception of 'time' and 'long' is going to be affected by their own personal experiences that create their own points of refence. Some like to get to know the person more before making a rash decision, and some prefer to claim their partner quickly with the perpetual 'fiancee' tag, before the inertia hits them.

What may be long to some would not be long to others. I say we should all just take as long as it takes for us to feel comfortable enough to take a relationship to the next phase, and to hell with what other people think.

That's all part of the search for compatibility. When I'm looking for a partner to walk next to me, it's best if we are both walking at the same speed.

bb
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 41
Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 12:18:09 PM
I don't understand what this "thing" is that people need to take slow.
You can know someone for years and still not really know them.
People you've known and trusted for years can let you down or cheat
on you. There are no guarantees.

If I find someone I'm interested in, I'm not really interested in taking
too much too slow. I'm not sure what I'd be waiting for? At this point
in my life, I'm more into taking chances than I was earlier in life, mostly
because I'm almost 60.

I'm more open to relationships and watching them develop while I'm
in them, not watching from the outside hoping they turn into something
lasting.

Maybe if I had 30 or more years and several chances at do overs I'd feel
differently.

Yeppers, I'm a rebel!
 KalGrl
Joined: 2/15/2011
Msg: 42
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 12:58:39 PM
I'm with browneyesboo on this one I am 55 why the heck would I want to take things slow. Last year I even asked a man out something I have never done before
 Helloitsmeyourlookingfor
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 43
Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 1:00:46 PM
They say..... as we get toward the end of our lives we regret not what we have done.... but what we have NOT done!!!!

Life is short!!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 44
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/27/2012 1:16:15 PM
"It" is probably sex, and the idea behind "taking it slow" is that a woman is somehow exchanging something of more value when having sex than is a man. They don't want to feel they "gave it up" for nothing, as it appears that men are commonly prone to do.

Of course, its all hogwash based on presumptions of a difference between men and women in their thinking about sex. While, as with women, some men will have sex with anyone and it will mean nothing, most men are particular about with whom they crawl into bed, and carefully weight the emotional, physical and financial risks of granting a woman such power over them and their lives.

"Taking it slow" is a strategy, but as Boo says, its not like there is a lot of time left to waste on going slowly. I say go carefully, whatever speed you progress at......
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 45
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/28/2012 8:00:31 AM
BrownEyesBoo:


I'm more open to relationships and watching them develop while I'm
in them, not watching from the outside hoping they turn into something
lasting.

abelian:


I wish I’d have said that.


Yes, Boo often has that effect on me as well. She has a real gift for expressing herself, clearly and succinctly.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 46
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/28/2012 10:18:24 PM
This thread is nothing more than another rehash of the three date rule, etc. For me, I want to get to know someone -well - before I get to know her. While I may put an unrealistic amount of importance on the physical intimacy aspect of any future relationship, and it is a subject that will be explored exhaustively, somehow I've never been able to separate sex from the relationship. For a love interest, separating one from the other, is like dark chocolate with no taste.
If that requires a time commitment, then so be it. I believe it will be time well spent.

TK
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 47
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:23:54 AM
To me, one of the truly wonderful things about being in this age group is the sense of liberty I have about management of my own life. With all of my experiences, both good and bad, I feel quite free to conduct myself however I feel, without the need to worry about the thoughts of people around me to any great extent. The pressure to conform is pretty well gone.

Consequently, I act in relationships as I feel I want to, whether its taking it slow or going full speed ahead. Its all about the feelings happening at the time. I am neither afraid to pursue my feelings, nor am I uncertain of my judgments. If things do trend towards the negative, I know I can manage them back to the positive. I fear not the future because I know that I am the one creating it.

Enjoy life. Its steadily running out!
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 48
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/29/2012 7:16:54 AM
^^^...Yes, and who wants to spend much of what's left in heartache and regret?
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 49
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/30/2012 10:40:37 PM

Au contraire, I've found that the indecisiveness and tentative approach to a relationship causes the heartache to last much longer. Nothing is 'determined' and a fuzzy insecurity sets in.

Not declaring your love for someone does not mean you care for them any less. you are just shielding your expressed emotions but they get hurt (or not) all the same. It just means more time staring at the phone wondering to call for a date or not. Wondering what they are doing. Second guessing all types previous words spoken , etc.

When I go for a swim I like to jump right into the lake. I can jump out and move on to something else quicker than the person who spends ten minutes slowly getting into the water.

How true! I act the same - in the relationship and at the lake.
Sometimes, I can stay long time in the water, sometimes after a few strokes, I'll get out and move on.

Now, armed with the knowledge that there may be more people like us, next time I'll go to the beach, I'll be observing very carefully which women jump quickly into the water.


 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 50
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Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/31/2012 9:43:30 AM
Yes, it's worth taking it slow. Unless you've know that person for a long time, how do you know what you'd be getting yourself into? People are on their best behaviour at first. Also, I think there is something special about feeling you can trust someone in your life and it takes time to build that kind of trust.

If you want a short-term relationship or don't care whether it's going to work out or not, just want to enjoy it for what it is at the time, then go ahead. Bear in mind though that if you don't know the person well, they could be anybody. I used to be more trusting but now I want to know the guy has integrity and that's not so easy to know without spending time with them.
 JDinMN
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 51
Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 3/31/2012 9:46:09 PM
"Haste makes waste" Agreed.

I do like the 4 seasons rule. But wowsers. I wonder if I could even get married after just a year of knowing a person.

It is such a huge commitment to me that I would like to be pretty darn sure. But what do I know? Never been married. I can only imagine that a divorce would be quite possibly the worst thing I could ever go through.

And I've been through some major doo doo in my life.

Really intriqued by the 4 season suggestion though. Planting that seed in my brain to think about.
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