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 Lowtones84
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 79
Life without love/RelationshipsPage 9 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

When do you just throw in the towel? What does it take to be happily alone? I ask this because it seems to becoming a reality for me, and I need to learn to come to terms with it. Does anyone else ever feel this way? How does one cope?


Generally I'd say that the point where you find yourself in your top physical shape, doing what it is you do best in a job that you love, would probably your best time "alone" as you'd maximize your time, money, and health; Then again, that'd probably be when girls start looking for you.

I make music (both digitally and in a band). Sometimes, when I'm really artistically blocked, I focus on sound design. Other times, I put on the xbox 360 to distract myself. It's not hard dude, just don't think about the fact that you're alone, and you won't be alone.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 80
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/8/2012 4:24:20 AM


Generally I'd say that the point where you find yourself in your top physical shape, doing what it is you do best in a job that you love, would probably your best time "alone" as you'd maximize your time, money, and health; Then again, that'd probably be when girls start looking for you.


Probably the most solid thing I've heard. I've had all of these things at some point, but not always together. I am working on it constantly.

As of late, I haven't seemed to have been caring as much. My last two dates have pushed me away from dating more. I'm really not finding what I am looking for and I am not so sure that it exists for me. However, I'm not depressed about it. I just focus more on bettering myself.

I don't really feel like I need sex as much as some people need to. I'd prefer to find love and start a family, but honestly, the older I get, the less realistic that desired outcome becomes.
 Nige1955
Joined: 8/30/2010
Msg: 81
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/8/2012 3:12:42 PM
I have been without love for the last three years,( after a 35 year marriage), and I cannot wait to find a nice, genuine, woman, to love.
I must admit single life is getting me down.
still hey ho
that is life
Nige
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 82
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/10/2012 12:54:17 AM
^^^^If you're going to make a public statement...at least try to make it accurate. There are more women than men in the U.S.A., and actually the same is true for all of north America.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 83
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/10/2012 2:36:35 AM
Yep, we've finially gone and done it...individualized ourselves out of possible matches. The times aren't like they were in "Little house on the prairie" where everybody went to the same church and all worked on the farm. Hell, now we got everything to choose from..we've got CEOs, gangsters, bikers, yuppies, cowboys, old hippies, preppies, rednecks, hill billies, vegans, Jesus freaks, Atheist, sports fans, meatheads, skin heads, mystics, left wingers, right wingers, Goths, punks, rockers, homeless, smokers, non- smokers, drunks, tee totalers, gays, bi's, homophobes, poets, artist, geeks, nerds,...Now, just select the right combinations from above, factor in looks, build, age, pheromones, finances, race, education, children, sanity, height, health, location and personality compatability....and you're home free for a possible date!..Oops..forgot to mention the attraction needs to be mutual!

Now what the hell could be easier than that?...I know, a slot machine with 75 wheels that need to line up for a jackpot......get your quarter out and grab the handle.... Or, you can buy a four wheel drive full of sporting gear and say phuck it like I did.....Uhh, can somebody loan me a quarter? LOL
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 84
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/10/2012 9:03:58 AM

Just when you least expect it, someone will come along. It might not happen when you want it to, though.



Yep.. Stop looking.. get happy.. and BAM.. someone starts taking up all your spare time..

and before you know it.. you're in love and you're speaking in "we" lol


...if I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd be able to buy love.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 85
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/10/2012 11:12:25 AM

At this point I'm more in the thought process of meeting a woman in a country that's not Americanized with media influence. But then some moron is going to reply and say what I'm saying isn't true, but I have blatant proof and witnesses of what I'm talking about.


There's no such place.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 86
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:28:50 PM
^^^^I'm familiar with the demographics, since you and I are between 45 and 65, I think you'll find that we are still out numbered by the women in our age range. Check the U.S. Census bureau charts in that range.
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 87
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/21/2012 8:41:56 PM
Dominic_Deville,
I hear exactly what you are saying, and yes I've heard every piece of advice given on here in the past. I just read the entire thread, and there was zero new advice given. No, I haven't looked at your profile either, and I'm not going to. All I can say is consider yourself lucky to have had a relationship with someone, or even been able to get dates with people. At least you aren't in my shoes.

I'm 35 and I've been tossed back by every person I have ever shown an interest in. I've been on a total of 8 dates in my life, only two of which made it to a second date. I've reinvented myself, moved, and still no real change. Heck I didn't go on my first date till I was 31. At this point I have no clue if a relationship is even right for me. I'd like to be in one for the simple reason that I have no clue what its like (obviously I can make and educated guess, but that is as close as I can get.) At least you have people messaging you. Heck, I'd be content with a FWB (its closer to some sort of relationship than where I am now.) but its really not what I want. I could send 100 emails to people on here or else where, I'll be lucky if one person replies back and that is usually a "thanks but no thanks."

As a person who has never had the opportunity to know what a relationship is like, it really sucks being single and undateable. I'm really curious to know what its like. Still, it kinda sucks coming home day in and day out to an empty house. After 20 years I've become far to comfortable being alone and I have trouble relating to people who aren't. This is a serious problem in today's society. Is there a good reason I'm hopelessly single? Not that I can tell. There just doesn't seem to be anyone interested in what I have to offer. Sometimes you just can't win for loosing.

For those people who offer advice without ever being truly single and alone for a very long time, eventually the want/need for another person really starts to gnaw at your subconscious. Its like a mild headache that never goes away no matter what you do. Its always there. Sure you can find ways to take your mind off it for a little while, but as soon as you don't have something else on your mind, there it is again. For years I distracted myself by racing bicycles, I funneled my frustration of being single into making myself fast. It worked for the first 10 years, but then it was "Yeah I just won another race, and that's great and all, but it would be so much better if there were someone to share the moment with either now or when I get home." but, there was never anyone there. So, I needed a bigger rush, how about car racing? More speed, more serious consequences , if you screw up. This requires more focus and the headache subsided for a few years, but then it was back to "Yeah I won again, but it would be better if I could share the moment." So then I combined the two, and all I've done is ended up with substantially less $ in my bank account and the same problem I had 20 years ago. It gets worse when you end up in many of your friends weddings as a groomsman and you get the "When are you getting married?" or the "Where is your girlfriend/date?" questions that can only be answered as an "I don't know." Honestly, it really sucks.

Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." As someone who has done the same thing over and over again expecting a different result (asking and being rejected for the past two decades) I often wonder, is it time to throw in the towel and move to a remote lake in Canada where I wouldn't have to deal with being the only single person I know, and it wouldn't matter. Well, I'm not planning on moving anywhere anytime soon. It is however very tempting.

So, back to the original question, I have no advice for you, all I can say is that I completely understand where you are coming from. Still, you are better off than some of us.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 88
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/21/2012 9:29:51 PM

For years I distracted myself by racing bicycles, I funneled my frustration of being single into making myself fast. It worked for the first 10 years, but then it was "Yeah I just won another race, and that's great and all, but it would be so much better if there were someone to share the moment with either now or when I get home."


Dude, I rased bikes before. I sucked. The best I got was 9th. Yet I was happy, considering the field was made of Cat 1 and 2, going masters. But racing game me confidence to say, what ta f vck. Go for it.


The problem you got is that you have given up too soon. You had what, 8 dates for all your life? Dude, that is stupid. I do not want to go into my numbers, but I approached a ton of women. Got rejected over and over again. Yet managed to get about one, two, sometimes three dates a week. And out of that ended up in some awesome exclusive relationships. Also some psychos but that is besides the point.

Your problem is that you are giving up too quick. Keep trying.
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 89
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/21/2012 11:15:38 PM
I haven't given up, but its tempting. A little quick math, 5 people per month, over 20 years, that is over 1000 people that I've openly shown interest in. 6 people out of over 1000 in a span of 2 decades, is pretty pathetic. A typical 6th grader has more dating experience than I do. I know how to win a bike race, I can hold my own on a race track (in a car) I can't however find a person interested in me. Seriously, I've never known one person to be even remotely romantically interested in me.

I actually quit racing bicycles seriously about 10 years ago thinking that perhaps I was too focused on that rather than life outside of it (there were a couple other reasons for it that happened to coincide with the decision as well.) In hindsight, I should have never stopped. I picked it back up again, and in 2 months of racing I was back up front in a Cat3 race. I'm no where near as fast as I was, but I'm smarter. When it comes to getting a date, nothing has changed. Its horribly frustrating. I consider myself very lucky if I have the opportunity to have one coffee date a year. At this rate I'll be a very old and grumpy man by the time I find someone who wants to stick around.

Like others have said, its somewhat out of my control. Kinda like playing the cosmic lottery. The cost to play however is ones sanity sometimes. Really, the only thing that keeps me looking is the memory of a non-date that happened with a friend years ago. I had been interested in her for years prior, she was single (finally) and we had been mountain biking on a regular basis. I mistakenly thought that she was really interested. We went for a really good ride, and then went out to dinner, I was on cloud nine. It was like being on a very addicting drug. Just like being on said powerful addicting drug, eventually you come down from that high. In my case I found out she was sleeping with someone else. (I found out from her roommate who thought it was me she was with, only I was at my place alone.) Oddly enough, we have remained distant friends. I keep hoping I'll have the chance to experience that sort of a high again. (No, I don't use any sort of drug, or drink. No easy escapism here.)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 90
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/22/2012 10:06:16 AM

I should have never stopped. I picked it back up again, and in 2 months of racing I was back up front in a Cat3 race.


Back to cat 3, awesome. Have you thought about checking out the bike chics? Try doing group rides, so that way you can work on your social skills. And yes, you can do that. Here in Atlanta we even have a couple of rides int he winter that are awesome. One is called "South of the Airport." It starts in two groups, one out of Buckhead, the other one out of Decatur, it merges in downtown and heads south. It can average about 200 people. In the way out people talk and are social. Once they hit the midpoint it becomes a race. So you can do both. The chicks that do this ride are super ripped but are kind of geekish. What I mean by that is that they would dig a conversation about Shimano vs Campagnolo.

The reason I mention this is because there's nothing more fun than finding a chic that digs your sport and can ride with you. But you got to make the effort to talk to them. It can be as simple as "how do you like your Speedplays?" and go from there.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 91
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/22/2012 5:51:50 PM
TO: Cyclist Will 77 ,
You call yourself undateable, I disagree. You're cute & a nice looking young man. You're intelligent, athletic, employed. certainly not undateable. You haven't dated enough to give up yet. You're also still young, & there's plenty of time to still meet someone. Don't give up, or call yourself undateable! You are dateable, & we love confidence, so keep thinking about all your good qualties next time you meet that new lady.
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 92
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/22/2012 9:15:32 PM

You call yourself undateable, I disagree. You're cute & a nice looking young man. You're intelligent, athletic, employed. certainly not undateable. You haven't dated enough to give up yet. You're also still young, & there's plenty of time to still meet someone. Don't give up, or call yourself undateable! You are dateable, & we love confidence, so keep thinking about all your good qualties next time you meet that new lady

Honestly, I think I'm a great catch, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, women in general just aren't interested. I don't have a clue why. Everyone who knows me would agree with you. Still, I have about the same odds of being stuck by lightning, as I do getting a date. It doesn't matter if its online or in person.



Back to cat 3, awesome. Have you thought about checking out the bike chics? Try doing group rides, so that way you can work on your social skills. And yes, you can do that. Here in Atlanta we even have a couple of rides int he winter that are awesome. One is called "South of the Airport." It starts in two groups, one out of Buckhead, the other one out of Decatur, it merges in downtown and heads south. It can average about 200 people. In the way out people talk and are social. Once they hit the midpoint it becomes a race. So you can do both. The chicks that do this ride are super ripped but are kind of geekish. What I mean by that is that they would dig a conversation about Shimano vs Campagnolo.

The reason I mention this is because there's nothing more fun than finding a chic that digs your sport and can ride with you. But you got to make the effort to talk to them. It can be as simple as "how do you like your Speedplays?" and go from there.


In college I raced in the equivalent to Pro1/2 on the road and semi-pro/pro on the dirt. I've got a Collegiate mountain bike national championship medal on my wall. On the road, I had a 50 mph sprint, with no lead out. I can't climb on the road to save my life however. (At 6-1 and 185 lbs, I wasn't going up a hill anywhere near one of the climber guys.) Crits and ITTs were my thing (as long as there were no hills.) Pretty much all the guys I used to beat with ease have gone pro.

The riding in Napa pretty much sucks. The drivers are unsafe (likely tipsy from all the wine tasting.) The group rides here are painfully slow, and they don't have any women my age. I have a hard enough time finding a guy who will ride with me around here. I'd be thrilled to find a chick to ride with, but there honestly don't seem to be any. Heck even when I drive over to Santa Rosa for the summer Tuesday night twilight crits, there are only about 5 women who show up, and they are all taken.

In college, there were lots of women who rode and raced, not a one of them would ride with me. I even worked on most of their bikes. Not a one was interested. It kinda drove me crazy.

The girl I mentioned in my previous post was the only one who would ride with me. It started because her boyfriend wouldn't ride with her because she was new to the sport and well, sucked. (His loss, my gain.) Once she was single I was more than happy to spend 2.5 hours riding 10 miles (on the road.) We were riding 3+ times a week together at one point (when I thought she was actually interested.) She actually had a lot of talent, especially off road. In the end however, she was sleeping with the pot smoking bozo who had trouble forming complete sentences. She knew I was interested, but when I asked if we were officially dating (prior to my finding out she was sleeping with the other guy.) she said no and didn't talk to me for a week. Even her roommate thought we had something going on. That was 10 years ago. She was the only person I (mistakenly) thought was interested.

Like I said, I consider myself lucky to meet one person a year. Its not for a lack of trying. There are very few single women here. Since I don't drink at all, I'm not going to go hang out at a bar by myself. All my friends are married, and all their friends are also. Work is a dead end as well, I work alone usually in an equipment room. I just don't have much of an opportunity to meet people. Online seems to be the only exposure I get to other people. Here, other dating sites and/or craigslist. I seem to find all the scammers on craigslist, and never hear back from anyone on the dating sites.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 93
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/23/2012 3:03:14 AM
^^^It might seem trivial, but in this society, not drinking at all will separate you from 98% of the women in your age group. I've had three mixed drinks as a grand total for the year, but I'm flexable about it for social reasons. Many women would feel funny having a glass of wine with dinner while you drank water. I'm sure you have your personal reasons for being inflexable, but the girls just wanna have fun!LOL
 CyclistWill77
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 94
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Posted: 12/23/2012 8:21:42 AM
The reason I don't drink is simple, I can't stand the taste. It doesn't seem to matter if its a very expensive wine, or the cheapest of cheap beer, 3 sips and I want something else to wash the taste away. The upside is that I make for a great designated driver :) I cook with it, but I can't drink it. I've tried several times and wasted the glass every time. I suppose its just as well, I bet I wouldn't be a very fun drunk.
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 95
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/23/2012 8:40:17 AM
Cyclist Will - I was going to send you a PM but I am too far away. If I were ten years younger and in your area I would throw myself at you. Honestly. You had me at Team Tron.

I do understand how you feel though. I have been single since '96. At this point I have just come to terms with the fact that some of us are just meant to be alone. Once I made peace with it the "headache" went away a bit. I still have rough patches but as all things they too shall pass. Be glad that you have friends and go to weddings and whatnot. I don't have any close friends and that makes it worse. I have loads of acquaintances but not real friends. Most of the people that I spend any time at all with are younger than me so... it has a limited appeal. I know where you are coming from about the advice from "friends". I get it all the time. When you aren't looking, it will come from an unexpected place, make yourself available, etc. It is all bs. Well meaning bs but bs just the same.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 96
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/23/2012 9:17:39 AM
@Secondhand Lion..Message #195..I agree 100%..You told the truth..Having a true happy wholesome relationship is very rare....I agree about all your combinations..There is no doubt in my mind that a person has a better chance winning the lottery twice in one day than finding happy relationship...I can not speak to anyone else,But the only ones i see happy are people that have been married 50 plus years..Which you will be rare in the future....Even people that are married 10 year will be rare in the future...Most people are for theirselves..So it is a wonder why people cannot be happy in a relationship
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 97
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/23/2012 10:38:53 AM
I was not talking about everythday problems..Or life is so peachy..I referring to people that are not suitable for each other..In other words people are in a relationship to just be in a relationship..Nothing more!!!!!There is a difference in having small problems in a relationship..Than being miserable/unhappy...I will stand by what i posted..Most people i know are very miserable in their relationships...Very few are happy...I do not think having a smiley face makes one happy..Then on the other hand i do not think having drama in ones everydaylife is happy either..But i must say i have met people that are happy to be unhappy..They would not have it any other way..That is all they know..Drama day in and day out.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 98
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/27/2012 12:00:13 AM
^^^It might seem trivial, but in this society, not drinking at all will separate you from 98% of the women in your age group.


Even if this is true, which I don't think it is, if a person chooses not to drink, that is who they are.


@ Dominic_Deville

Hey.. it only has to happen once!! and i'd give back all the dollars to keep it :~)


The problem is, it doesn't happen.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 99
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 12/27/2012 12:25:52 AM

~~~
I think the concept of "happy, wholesome relationships" presumes that life is just a happy and wholesome period of time which has no tragedies, no conflicts, no difficulties, major differences, and so on
~~~
I don't.. I just think it means you make each other happy and you enhance each other lives despite life's ups and downs.. Why so much negativity? Sheesh. there are plenty of times when you need another person to help you cope and deal with things. That's not a sign of weakness rather it's a sign of strength. To make yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone, it's scary and very hard to do.. that's what creates a happy, wholesome relationship, that's what brings two people close together, that's what makes a couple strong. Not being able to deal with it all alone and not needing the other person. What's the point of being with them then?


Even then, you cannot overdo it. I cannot deal with excessive crying myself. On the other hand, I've heard people in general tell me that I tend to put up a wall.
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