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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?      Home login  
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 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 151
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?Page 7 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
It will never cease to amaze me that someone would prefer women to pick up strangers for sex just to appease his own insecurities about past lovers.......
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 152
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 3/29/2012 7:10:51 AM

It will never cease to amaze me that someone would prefer women to pick up strangers for sex just to appease his own insecurities about past lovers.......


It never ceases to amaze me that so many people never cease to be amazed by how low human beings can go, nor how often they do it...lol. You'd think human history would have taught us how about 75% of the people in the world is utter crap
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 153
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 3/29/2012 7:21:17 AM

It will never cease to amaze me that someone would prefer women to pick up strangers for sex just to appease his own insecurities about past lovers.......


While this comment does make sense, I also cannot see myself having a dinner down the road with a friend I was once having sex with, and my new man at the same table. So...I would lose my friend when it was over. Yeah, we may see one another at large gatherings etc...but the days of small intimate gatherings including my old fwb friend would be so over.

I know we all say people should be accepting of everyones past and enlightened enough not to feel jealous, but in the real world where I live, people do not take well to having thier spouses previous sex partner hanging around. It is accepted as part of the past...but not accepted as something we want to see regularly or deal with regularly by seeing old sex partners on a regular basis. In most peoples life, that is not normal acceptable behaviour...and thats what we need to deal with. Not the 'we SHOULD be able to stuff', because that is not how the real world actually operates.

We SHOULD be able to walk down the street and not be mugged, yet it still happens, so we try to be careful.

We SHOULD be able to leave our homes unlocked, yet we get robbed so we need to lock the doors.

We SHOULD be able to have our previous sex partner over for dinner with our new boyfriend, but the fact is-it is not a good idea because the new partner is gonna feel weird about it. Most people who would say they wont, are BS'ing.

So...then I will lose my friend, who I participated in a fwb situation with. I dont like that and would rather not do that to a good friendship.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 154
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:42:59 AM
It will never cease to amaze me that someone would prefer women to pick up strangers for sex just to appease his own insecurities about past lovers.......

But I'm not insecure about past partners. If my fiancee wanted to tell me what she did with previous partners in graphic detail or even that they were all hung like horses, I would be bothered in the least. I just don't want them in our lives. I have yet to see an ex who is out of the picture create any drama. From the other FWB threads, it was pretty apparent that the people who were in favor of fwb's also felt it unnecessary to disclose that to their dates, so apparently lots of people are ok with it because they don't ever know who the person they're dating has slept with. An fwb is just a way to have casual sex while pretending it isn't casual sex so one can pretend to only have sex in ``relationships.'' Even when it works, which I don't doubt it can, the potential fallout doesn't end when the benefits end. So yeah. I'd rather have casual sex with strangers. That way I'm not deluding myself about what it is, I won't have anyone hanging around to cause me any problems in the future and I won't screw up any friendships.
 walkingtall37
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 155
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 3/30/2012 1:07:49 AM
No

I have never reached that point and hope I never do. The thought of it doesn't interest me in the least.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 156
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 3/30/2012 8:14:15 AM

So...then I will lose my friend, who I participated in a fwb situation with. I dont like that and would rather not do that to a good friendship.

That's your personal choice......doesn't have to be that way.

I am very good friends with an ex FWB and his wife......I am a regular at their dinner table and he still picks me up every 2 weeks and takes me to our pool tournament we shoot in together. Our past sexual relationship has never affected our friendship, his marriage or my relationships.

Maybe the fact I have a sister married to an exboyfriend that I have learned to have a different perspective on these things.........since I refuse to shun my one and only sister for the rest of my life, we have learned how to "get over it" and move on.
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 157
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 8:04:37 AM
Well from my experiences and what others I know who have had a FWB, I still have not had one, the person you know has to be physically attracted to you. If you are a fun guy for example and the woman enjoys your company BUT she does not find you attractive, she won't be turning to you for sex.
Also many times a fwb ends and that friendship you both had ends too from what many have said.
Every guy wishes he could be a fwb, only a select few are considered fwb material.
 shattered72
Joined: 5/9/2012
Msg: 158
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 8:53:04 AM
I have and met one of the best bed pals ever! Now that I want a relationship, something a little more than a romp in the hay, he doesn't. So it's time to move forward. It's not a bad thing...men claim they have needs, well so do women!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 159
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:29:46 AM
My personal takes on this, is if I have a terrible ITCH DOWN THERE, I would use a vibrator or my fingers than get phuck by a man who has no FEELINGS or bonding with me, it will hurt me if he will say to his love woman that >>>SHE (me) MEANS NOTHING TO ME and talk to his buddies about our sexual activities and laugh.

I would rather be a pros titute for we both knew that no string attach it is money down and get the merchandize get done ,,,,get over with.. I know what I am talking about, I have some friends/customers whom I did some CLOTHES SEWING for them ,they socialized, dinners,movies,outings their roles is FWBs at least they do it to pay their bills and support their fixed on fashionable clothes, shoes, expensive jewelries, college, helping their families.
If someone would asked me why I did not become a pros titute, I am not a beauty, and would rather be love and respect by a regular John who thinks the world of me as his mate thru thick and thin in life.............
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 160
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 11:15:01 AM
What makes me laugh (sorry to steal your lines) are people who can't distinguish a friend with a phucking benefit and money loaning benefit to "friend" female or male, to an exclusive love relationship..... LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Believe me a woman who use her brain above her shouder knows what is a friend with benefits and even she uses her brain between her legs ,she still knows what is a FWBs. just my 2 cents
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 161
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 11:33:34 AM
Truthfully, right now that is my very intent. I just changed my mail settings and unblocked these very settings. Right now I'd love to have a relationship but at the same time I've got a lot going on right now. I've got soul searching to do before I can fully want a full blow relationship.

I am a man and have needs as well. Wouldn't mind having a FB or FWB with someone just to help each other with these needs. Its almost sad to say that's what I want at even 35 years old. But I had a epiphany and realized a relationship is not what I need right now.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 162
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 3:19:39 PM
Quite an interesting thread.

By the replies to this topics it is apparent that the term FWB is very ambiguously defined. I'd like to share my viewpoint on the FWB situation but, before I do so, I'd like to define what FWB means to me.

First, what it doesn't mean. FWB is _not_ a FB, far from it. a FB is someone that we may be somewhat acquainted with. Anyone that has had a one night stand, in my mind has had a FB for one night. Dogs have FBs. Dogs do _not_ have FWB. a FB "relationship" is one where two people use each other's bodies solely for sexual gratification. That is NOT a FWB relationship.

Now, what is a FWB relationship ?

Yes, it is sexual but, it is as much (if not more) about sharing care and affection as it is about sex. That's why it is called FRIENDS... as I GENUINELY CARE because you are my FRIEND. A FWB relationship is inherently monogamous, based on trust and genuine mutual caring.

Now, some may be reading that and wondering, well, what the difference between that and a long term relationship ? The differences are mostly that, (1) both parties know the relationship will not end up marriage. (2) Both parties retain their independence, certain aspects of the lives of the participants will not be shared (i.e bank accounts, raising kids, caring for ailing parents, and other such personal characteristics of an individual's life.) (3) The relationship is, more often than not, resolved amicably when it becomes obvious that it cannot continue (ever seen FWB battling it out in court ?) (4) The most common reason for FWBs to end is because (a) one fell in love and the other one didn't (compare that to ending it in a law office, fighting over who gets the ashtray) (b) one of the two involved believes s/he found the "one".

A FWB is appealing (an option) to some people (myself included) because, after accumulating a certain amount of experience in life, we find that the search for the mythical "one" is rather complex, not to mention there is no guarantee of success (neither in finding FWB but at least more likely). Additionally, the search for the "the one" is rather loaded with baggage, preconditions, predispositions and expectations from the very start, which do not contribute to success but failure.

Those who search for FWB did NOT settle as some are so fond of pointing out. The participants in a FWB relationship can both keep looking (if that's what they want) while being both, physically and emotionally fulfilled. I can argue convincingly that, an individual that is in a FWB situation is much more likely to make the right choices than one who isn't.

I was in FWBs three times. Two initiated by the girls and one by me. Thinking about any one of them brings fond memories and a smile to my face. I wish I could say the same about the non-FWB I've been a part of.

I am not trying to convince anyone. I just wanted to point out that there are very solid reasons for men and women to consider FWB. If "Long Term Relationships" worked as well as FWBs, this website would not have nearly as many participants.
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 163
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 7:31:33 PM
If it works for some, more power to them.
But,I haven't been tempted to look for a FWB.
I don't plan to have a FWB now or in the future. That's not for me.
It's better to be alone imo, than be with someone who's.. meh tolerable
just so I could get laid and have someone around instead of being on my own.
I think those type of arrangements are bound to end bad anyways. I figure one
person will catch feelings lol, and usually it's the woman involved.
Just avoid it, and wait for someone who wants something serious and has
respectable intentions. =)
 MustangGirl1965
Joined: 3/9/2012
Msg: 164
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:19:26 PM
I've been in a FWB relationship. We met in a sports setting; he approached me one evening and we got talking. He eventually asked me for a date and I accepted. He was the first man to express interest in me after I left my marriage. That first date he explained that we would never get into an emotional relationship as he wasn't that kind of man and if I was okay with it, he would like to take me out regularly and be intimate with me but there would be no hope of any future (marriage etc) and that if I didn't think I could remain emotionally detached, he would walk away at any time. This suited me so I accepted his proposal. We had this great relationship for a few months and he always treated me with respect and dignity. We had a great time without any emotional involvement which was exactly what I needed. I regained my self-confidence and felt sexy and desirable for the first time in years.

We are still friends, although we live in different states so no longer see each other. The intimate part of the relationship finished but the friendship remains and always will be there. We speak about once a month or so, just to catch up on each other's lives, and I'm happy to have been in the relationship with him and have no regrets.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 165
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:38:48 PM
I did not read the responses.
I have no interest in a fwb situation.
 krazykurlz
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 166
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:40:59 PM
MustangGirl, your story is refreshing :) However, I understand the angst and disappointment of those whose FWB arrangements did not fare so well.

The whole idea just doesn't appeal to me. Personally I wouldn't want to be someone's "everything but the commitment" girl. I get emotionally attached pretty easily so I'd just get hurt in the long run (trust me, it's happened!). It's like, the dude is getting everything HE wants without the commitment while I'd feel as if I was getting the short end of the stick.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 167
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/14/2012 11:36:52 AM
I too would like to thank MustangGirl for giving an example of a POSITIVE use of a FwB involvement, and how they CAN run their course without inflicting damage on either participant.

I completely understand that some people could never be comfortable with a FwB, and also to recognize that people might accept or even WANT just a FwB at a certain time( or times) in their life, not as an across-the-board permanent preference. I do not think it is fair to make the pronouncement, that once a person has participated in FwB, FB or other no/limited strings sexual involvement , they are "never any good" for anything BUT limited/no strings sexual liasons.
Sex ,sexuality, sexual conduct and standards should be responsive to ones' own needs, the situation, the timing,the conditions that prevail in one's own life and environment, NOT a written-in-stone one time choice and a permanent committment to that choice. And one should be truthful about ones' sociosexual goals ,or be GENUINELY willing to "go with the flow"-don't try to take an apple and sell it to someone as an orange.
Cindy O
 Texan_Gal
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 168
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/14/2012 12:24:26 PM
No, the thought of a FWB has never appealed to me in the slightest bit. I need to be completely in love with a man before I could even contemplate getting naked with him. I'm not someone who can detach emotion from sex.
 MEXICANLADY42
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 169
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/14/2012 7:58:40 PM
I donĀ“t go to to bed with just any guy because I am horny. The guy in question has to be worth it and gain my respect, admiration and love AND must be willing to be involved in a serious relationship with me . I know it sounds mean and selfish, but think - if you do not treat yourself with respect and know you are a valuable person, nobody else will. FWB? SNORT!
 KeithValentine
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 170
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 9:34:42 AM
Yeah I've been there but sex is easy to get if you find like minded people. So I don't lack sex buddies.What I lack is a woman who is a "Keeper" as you put it.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 171
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 9:43:59 AM
To be honest... yes. BEcause to me friends aren't a sub standard wanna be status; I LIKE my friends, we care how each other is thnking, love hanging out and laughing, enjoying time together, can talk about everything and anything and are there for each other.

And have developed trust. Add to that someone where someone can be intimate, sensual and sexual, KNOWING they will be there the next morning without worrying about what that "means", worrying over whether someone will immediately start thinking longterm that second and then get the whole freaked out analysis by paralysis thing, and then emotionally get themselves so freaked out they get bi polar and emotionally shutdown; the friend would know they're safe, comfortable and a wanted person to wake up with and not do that whole "a woman must have expectations and will immediately want to take me over mind numbing fear that SO many people get buried alive by when they project all this stuff on someone who is just laying there enjoying the hell out of a good cuddle".

I haven't done it; but it does sound a lot less comlicated. I want the uncomplication of friends with benefits with the exclusivity of a LTR... without the stupid mind games. :)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 172
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 12:54:53 PM
Thanks to messages # 187 and 197 for adding their voices to to the explanation that a genuine FwB is not about somebody using somebody else for sex, for clarification that it is not a detached, emotionless "mutual masturbation" event.

For those who are committed to a standard of "no sex unless it is within a committed relationship"-that's fine...dating is NOT about pressuring people to do something they aren't comfortable with. But there still seems to be a good deal of misperception about FwB by both genders. How much confusion about or opposition to FwBs is due to genuine misunderstanding and how much is due to misuse of the term(whether accidental or wilfull) is hard to say.
Speaking to the title question-I'm also not sure how many people actually set out to "look" for FwB as a preferential type of involvement,I'm more inclined to think that a lot of them just sorta happen. But if a person reaches the conclusion that they are better served to intentionally choose FwBs, I don't guess there is much we can say except to ask that care be taken not to hurt your FwB partner-please make sure that everybody is on the same page.
Cindy O
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 173
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 5:54:52 PM


But have YOU ever gotten to that point ? Or think it might be easier somehow ?


In the past, it just happened but, ironically enough, I think this thread which made me think about it, has gotten me to that point. The FWBs I was in were hands down much better than the "permanent" relationships I've been in. When I say much better, I mean, they were _always_ rational, balanced and, reasonable. Those are characteristics that eventually got lost in the "permanent relationships".

As far as being easier, the answer is yes. That "yes" comes from the fact that the lives of two people don't have to be eventually merged. That's makes a lot of things easier. Another thing that makes it easier is that if you are in a FWB with a genuine friend, you can talk about a lot of things/situations that one cannot easily talk about in a "permanent" relationship. Another reason is that, when the time comes to end it (if it comes), it always ends _well_ (compared to a divorce, for instance.)

Lastly, after reading all the posts in this thread a second time, a number of ironies hit me and made me think about what happens in a "permanent" relationship (for lack of a better moniker). I'll share just a few of the thoughts because I don't want to bore anyone. Everyone, please note, it is _not_ my intention to change anyone's mind. I just want to share a few observations.

(1.) a FWB requires the creation of a genuine friendship first. This takes time which means that a significant amount of time elapses _before_ the relationship becomes sexual. Contrast this with the standard "permanent" relationship. In those relationships sex occurs much before a true, solid and lasting friendship develops. In other words, the participants become romantic FBH (that's "Fvck Buddies with Hope") until that "in love" feeling hopefully develops. I find it ironic and amusing, that those who end up in the sack first, with little basis other than "chemistry" (FBH), pass moral judgement on those who took the time to build a genuine friendship beforehand (FWB).

2. By far, the most common type of "permanent" relationship is the one which starts as FBH (see 1. above), goes through a period of bliss and then deteriorates into HFB (Hopeless Fvck Buddies). The participants stay together because neither is fond of the idea of being sexless in POF looking for a new FBH. These HFB relationships constitute a good part of the almost bottomless well of players, deadbeats and cheaters most women (and some men) in POF complain about. Ironically, in an FBH, after one of the participants silently decides that the "permanent" relationship isn't so permanent anymore (for him or her), there is usually a period of time that elapses before the relationship is brought to an end. During that period of time, one of the participants is effectively and unknowingly in a FWB relationship that will most likely not end as friends.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 174
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 11:43:54 AM
I hate posting on these FWB threads, but sometimes I can't resist.

Everyone seems to have a definition of FWB. If you're a fan, looking for one for yourself and/or haven't been on the hurtful end of one you tend to say they're great relationships that fill a gap between relationships when you're too busy or incapable of having a real relationship. If you're not a fan of FWB you say they're dangerous and someone usually gets their feelings hurt.

Let's be realistic. Every relationship is complicated. You are not going to be in a relationship that isn't. If FWB had agreed upon rules/regulations & wasn't complicated everyone would be in a monogamous FWB relationship & we'd all be happy as clams. Thinking you're going to get hot, wild, regular sex with someone who is not sleeping with anyone else & without any complications and without romantic feelings coming into play is setting yourself up for failure.

My advice is keep it SHORT TERM and constantly remind yourself that you're single & can't count on this person to be your "plus one" to anything. You are alone. Keep in mind that they can suddenly decide they want a relationship (just not with you) or that they want a relationship with you (but you are happy with the way things are). Just like with any other relationship they could meet someone else or you could find out they're seeing someone else. Does it make it better if they say "it's not cheating, we're just FWB. Go get yourself a spare or even better just join us."??? (yes, men in FWB still ask for the same crazy stuff men in relationships ask for...they just don't feel the need to do the extra nice stuff for you)

Final note...every semi-attractive woman I know has a list of dudes willing to give her FWB at the drop of a text. She doesn't have to "go looking" to make it happen.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 175
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 4:20:54 PM
^^^ domo31...you should move to Charlotte! You'd have more dudes offering FWB than there are days in the week.(or some other variety of NSA baloney, varies based on your personal definition)
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