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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex      Home login  
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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her exPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I can think of only one almostrational reason for them to be doing this. That reason would be that, without talking to you first, she calculated that she needed to rent a room out to stay financially solvent, and her ex was both looking for a place, and was the only person she felt she could trust enough to live there. That she wasn't ready to ask you to move in, as the two of you have not yet progressed far enough to have that level of trust, and because it would guarantee a more complex arrangement (i.e. you would certainly expect regular sex, whereas someone she was done with would not, if he and she are being honest).

It's only almost rational though. Before I did decide that I was going to walk away from this mess, I might ask her first why she positively wanted to have her ex move in. Unless she said exactly as I described, and unless she was immediately able to see how insane it sounds, and unless she was desirous of finding an alternative solution to the financial situation that was not so transparently nuts, I would hit the road at high speed.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 5
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 5:11:55 AM
I think you will be okay. The ex sounds like a decent guy, but this woman is full of red flags. Some willssay this ex may be poisonous to any blossoming relationship you may try to build with your girlfriend. But, it may turn out that you receive insight from him about your girlfriend.
 smilingrock
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 6
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 6:37:45 AM
Dump her unless you are into a treesome. This will never work out...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 7:03:56 AM
If people would see things from the other direction and consider how the other person would feel they may not ask a question like that. That way you'd know from her asking that question that if you moved an ex in, she'd be OK with it.

I don't understand why more people don't wonder what it would be like if they were in the position they plan to put someone else in.
 tilark99
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 8
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 7:14:08 AM
So her ex never really went away (he still likes her, and he "pops round for a chat") and now she wants him to move (back?) in with her?

I'm sorry, this sure sounds like if in fact she's in a relationship with you, it's not the only relationship. It sounds like their break up was incomplete, at best. I don't think it's odd that you are struggling with this. It's hard to say without knowing the people and the circumstances, but it sounds to me like they are not 100% broken up, and moving him in will certainly increase the awkwardness, and perhaps move you out of the picture. It it were me, I'd hope I was strong enough to tell her that it's her decision, while I was backing away from the mess before I was in it any deeper.

I suspect that if you try to stop her from seeing him, all you will accomplish is getting them to be sneaky intead of forthright.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 9
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 8:06:32 AM

Y'know, I'm having a few little problems of my own


Gripper? Did you just hijack this mans thread? You are hilarious.

One question for you OP. Have you slept with this new girlfriend yet?

If not I'd be concerned, because it took some real balls for her to make such a proposition. Especially with the old and the new so fresh.

IMO she'd be the new ex-girlfriend.
 Justatrubblemakr
Joined: 1/27/2011
Msg: 10
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 8:32:13 AM
insecure? worried? lol omg wtf you arent going to add stupid to that list too are you? who invites an ex to live with them ? lol cmon u n the rest of civilized society knows what moving an ex into your "spare room means lol
put yourself in her place, how would she react if you were moving in an ex girlfriend into your place?> how would she react? if this guy can afford rent, id suggest he look in the paper for a room to rent lol there are plenty
her asking you if its ok is just a manipulation ,
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 9:26:36 AM
The OP never explained the circumstances of how this came about. People are assuming the new girlfriend is experiencing financial difficulties and needs the rent money, but that was never clarified. And neither was the reason for the ex suddenly needing a place to live and not being able to or wanting to find another place to live. Not that it would matter and affect the final outcome, but curious minds need to know.

I would've been gone a long time before this situation happened based on the OP's statement "...they still see each other mostly when i'm there and i'm ok with them being friends but it is already a strain just knowing he's around." I won't date a woman and her ex. Now he's going to be around all of the time, since he will be living with her-again. Add to the fact that their break-up was recent, that's a recipe for disaster.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 12
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/25/2012 9:56:22 PM
You could find someone even dumber than she is....if you tried hard enough. ...........................
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 13
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/26/2012 9:39:06 AM
Tell her this is unacceptable period. I am open minded, but this situation would put too many irons into the kettle. I once was dating a man for a few months and he asked me if a female friend could stay with him a few days because she is from out of town and needs to get away. I agreed that it would be fine as long as I could meet her. I met her and they went out almost every night, but did not want for me to go. After a week of this and she left, he ended up breaking up with me. She had a big influence on his decisions apparently and even though this woman was a few years older, our relationship ended because he cooled off from me and became indifferent and asked for space. I am not so sure that things would have been different if I told him that I was not comfortable with her staying with him. I believe he still would have done it even without my blessings.
 Justatrubblemakr
Joined: 1/27/2011
Msg: 14
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/26/2012 9:54:16 AM
theres a flip side to it to tho . with a girlfriend i had a lil while ago a similiar thing popped up , she wanted to let her ex come out here and stay at her house for a few weeks as he want ed to come out to the country for a holiday. she said they never had sex but slept in same bed together etc , ya know the bullshit story. well i toldd her i wasnt goin for it and if she did it then she had made up her choice n id be out of the picture. in the end she didnt let him come out , which i thought was alright and made sense, however.................... she held that against me for the rest of the relationship , she turned it around as to how i was controlling n a possesive etc.
its a double edged sword tho , if u let it happen you stand a chance that it will create internal drama and bullshit, if you dont then you get a differrent type of drama
personally if i had interest in a gal i was dating, thered be no way id let any other woman come live with me , especially some ex that it obviously didnt work with to begin with .
i shoulda got out right at the start tho when she brought it up , anyone with a brain that works like that is obviously not into commitment and really is just a manipulator and game player .
 agrl777
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 15
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/26/2012 10:53:00 AM
No matter what you do in this situation there is no win for you. If you won't let him move in she will be blaming you for loosing money. If he moves in - you will go insane. Their relationship is not over. I would walk away.
 Justatrubblemakr
Joined: 1/27/2011
Msg: 16
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/26/2012 3:57:14 PM
cheaper to just dump her n go find her sister or someone thats not into head games. playing em back never gets u anywhere in the end , just out of pocket
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 17
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/26/2012 6:03:14 PM

He's hitting that.


Yeah,no kidding.

OP,I truly think this is a kind of sick game they like to play with people.I think they get off on this.Accept that you're just a toy to this woman.Find one that is deserving.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 18
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/27/2012 1:02:49 PM

the thing with living in La..la..land is that , the membership is free.................
Pshaw... I pay dearly to ensure that nothing intrudes in my la-la land.
 Ocee
Joined: 3/5/2012
Msg: 19
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/27/2012 7:31:31 PM

aside from the usual just kick her comments i'm really looking for some advice on how to actually deal with this and how i move on from this without making it a thing.


If you don't want to make a thing out of it, you'll need some denial.

I recommend not thinking about them sitting on the couch talking about your relationship, or them sitting on the couch talking about their relationship, or them drinking to much wine and comparing sexual performance and preferences. You probably shouldn't think about them and the couch at all.

As a matter of fact I dont think denial's really going to work at all, just sit down with a couple bottles of wine and think about them taking showers together until you're numb to it. Be sure to carry lots of tissues in your pocket from now on, in case your girlfriend steps in some dogshit before walking all over you, for the rest of your life.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 3/28/2012 7:03:25 AM
It is an issue of boundaries. There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable with this arrangement. What she should also realize is that even if the two of you split. She is going to have to deal with the same issue with her next relationship.

If she is having financial issues and needs a roommate, she can find one.
 WrogermeWroger
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 21
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/8/2012 2:43:19 AM
Make a decision. If she can't then you better.

Either kick them both out or live as a threesome - seems to me that she wants him back and they might do a number to squeeze him in and you out.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 22
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/8/2012 9:25:04 AM

He did not ask her to check with JACK.... kapeesh?
Really.... You actually believe that ?


Miss Petunia, I think you are my twin we have the same thought....
 DavidNY
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 23
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/8/2012 6:01:15 PM
I think it is her way of saying she needs help with rent. Maybe you too tight with the money.
You got to spend money to get the honey
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 24
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/8/2012 7:07:49 PM

We live together and spend every sleeping and waking moment together


True, but you're trying to tell that to the internet.

I've dated people who have slept at ex's houses because their kids lived there.

The simplest way to put it, if you can't trust the girl to be around the ex without banging him, you shouldn't be dating her, or anyone, and focusing on your trust issues first.

Don't make it a problem until something actually happens to have it be a problem. This website is painfully quick to say "dump them, they're cheating" well, you gotta remember, this is coming from single people on a dating website.

You guys here are a lot too hung up on ex's. They're just other people. If your girl is going to cheat, she's going to cheat, no matter who the other guy is. If it's not her ex, it's some guy that you don't know about. But a girl you can trust, she can live with an ex and stay 100% committed to you... and against popular belief on these forums, those girls are actually really common.

Now, there IS the fact that when they start talking this soon after a break up to the point of renting a room out, a lot of times that leads to getting back together... So look at it this way: If she's going to end up back with him, she's going to end up back with him. If you're going to lose you already lost... what do you really have to lose by trusting her with him living there?
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 25
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/8/2012 7:24:11 PM
Op, I'd bet my life savings that if there are plans in the works for that "ex" to move back in, that he's already been peeling her back while you two were supposed to be a couple.

You're getting the sheet end of the stick right now. But here's my advice. Stand up for yourself, firmly display your boundaries, and end that relationship. And do it politely and respectfully. I'd also bet that it won't be long before that girl is calling friends to help her move that delinquent, non contributing, loser, broke, "a hole" out. WHEN your phone rings, go ahead and answer it, but give her a mild chuckle and be busy clipping your dogs toenails, or something else equally ridiculous.

Secondly, the post above mine is complete balderdash. Just the fact alone that she would bring up doing something that would severely hurt the feelings of any decent person speaks volumes alone. She knows it's a god awful request. You can take that to the bank. And she has displayed that she's willing to trash on the op's feelings for the benefit of her ex and her pocket book. Lastly, good looking women don't like guys who let themselves get sh*t on and hang around for more. Nuff said
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/8/2012 7:38:32 PM

...if you can't trust the girl to be around the ex without banging him, you shouldn't be dating her, or anyone, and focusing on your trust issues first.


I don't think it's only a matter of trust. It's also a matter of having a comfortable living situation and privacy issues. For a lot people, two is company, three is a crowd. If the ex is hanging around all of the time, would you say to the ex "Can you go to the mall for an hour or two? I'm horny and I don't want you listening to us when we're going at it". Or should she feel comfortable if the ex was to pick up a woman, bring her back to the house, and be going at it in the bedroom next to hers? How would the girlfriend feel if the OP was to have his ex move in instead of her ex?
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 27
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New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/9/2012 4:11:30 PM
Hey all you optimistic Oliver's, guess what happens 99% of the time when a man and a woman that find each other physically attractive, find themselves alone together long enough in private? I don't think it needs to be said. And this situation will provide a lot of alone together in private time. It's a no brainer.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 28
New girlfriend offers spare room to her ex
Posted: 4/9/2012 5:35:38 PM
Have a man invite his ex gf to rent the spare room and watch the response from all the trusting females here.The situation would be 100% deceitful.Tell the ex to go to his mom's place.
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