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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 102
Casual sex linked to depressionPage 5 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I don’t do casual sex but I find myself reacting to the negative bias against women who choose sexual lifestyles that others so vocally disapprove of. No WONDER women get depressed…we are forever held to impossible standards and judged so harshly by our own gender.

It doesn’t make anyone look virtuous by comparison…it looks like what it is… petty, catty and insecure.


Precisely.
What is this-are women who don't like sex and have nothing else TO bring to the table-feeling like they are being undercut by women who do not have iron-rigid 1950s sexual rules? So it becomes necessary to mount a campaign against FwB?

Incidentally, I don't particularly categorize FwB as "casual sex"...it is not just 2 people who meet to join genitals.
Done right, there is friendship, there are feelings-but it is understood and accepted that this is not going to become a committed long-term cohabiting relationship, or a marriage. If both people mutually find it in their hearts to restructure to a committed long-term relationship, that's wonderful. No one in their right mind is going to say "Nope, can't do that, you started out as FwB so you can't do anything else except stop the involvement entirely". But it must be realized that this is not likely to happen. And it also must be realized that there is a great deal of mis-definition of FwB-if you start feeling as though there is no friendship and there isn't much benefit to you-then END the involvement.

As far as "Fwb never works"-what? A goodly percentage of LTRs and marriages don't work,either.
Why aren't there any books being written to discourage people from long-term relationships and marriage? The statistics I see cited most often seem to indicate that 50% of first time marriages fail, 60-some % of 2nd marriages fail, and 70-75% of 3rd marriages fail.
Don't misunderstand me, I am not against marriage or longterm relationships, I'm simply pointing out that citing "very limited sucess" or "large number of failures" could also be USED as reasons to de-value LTR and marriage.

I think what REALLY bothers the anti-fwb contingent is that it appears to be a means for people to obtain sex without "paying for it" in some way, (like spending money on dates, or making a "committment").

The other thing that I begin to wonder about, is that perhaps women who've been conditioned to see sex as an "obligation" to be honored in return for committment, fear that their "product" is being "undercut" by women who have a more open-minded attitude towards sex.
I suspect that the fear may be rising to the point where women who don't like sex are feeling pressured to engage in sex against their 'druthers' in order to "compete" with women who are less inhibited/negatively conditioned. So they go looking for propaganda against non-marital(non "committed relationship") sex, claiming it causes unintended reproduction, STDS, and now depression.

Depression is caused by a lot of things-in fact, depression can be an internally caused, organic dysregulation of brain chemistry. Head injuries can cause depression. Lack of sunlight can cause depression. Chronic illness/chronic pain/chronic stress can cause depression...lets not make make non-ltr/non-marital sex into a depression bogeyman.

Let me make it crystal clear...I do not support sexual promiscuity, f*ckbuddy arrangements, or people mislabeling those things as FwB. My personal position is that multiple concurrent FwBs are not something I would participate in...yes I realize I cannot force that 'rule' on anybody else. In fact, I reserve the right to make my own individual situational decision about whether or not to involve myself in a FwB. Just because I refuse to condemn it does not mean that I am under a permanent obligation to participate, nor does it mean that I have some feeling that FwB is the best I can hope for. Far from it.
As an example, an analogy, I wouldn't eat sushi- AFAIC-civilized people COOK their food!-But I'm certainly not going to picket the sushi counter in the local Krogers' store-or bash a date or a friend who chose to order it.
Back to FwB-
I am absolutely in favor of utmost care to prevent unplanned conception or the transmission of STDs in any kind of sexual involvement/interaction. I support everyone's right to take some time to evaluate the provenance of a potential sex partner-in fact I ENCOURAGE that.
I am not in favor of one-nighters, hook-ups with strangers,and I have reservations about first date sex. I do not condemn those who choose to participate RESPONSIBLY in these activities-I would not usually choose them, but then I'm not standing in the shoes of people who do engage in them-I'm sure they have their reasons.

But can we PUL-EEAZZE stop bashing all forms of sexual congress EXCEPT that which occurs in relationships given widespread social approval? Yes, absolutely, the topnotch IDEAL of sexual interaction is within marriage-but that does not make other forms of RESPONSIBLE sexual activity "bad" or "wrong".
Cindy O
 BehinDarkBluEyes
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 103
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 3:56:16 AM
Ah if you read enough everything is linked to something..lol
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 104
Casual linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 6:15:39 AM

Wonder if cave women felt used, and depressed after sex or did she expect something because she engaged in sex or if sex was seen as something she took part in whether she wanted to or not.

Biology is biology and the rest is socialization.


Actually dudette, back then I dont think the pleasure of women was very much taken into consideration. I have a hard time picturing caveman sex as anything less than rape (see the History of Fire, or whatever that caveman flick is called)
And when she was being dragged back by her hair to a cave and slapped until she stopped moving...pretty sure she didnt have much choice lol.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 105
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 6:19:53 AM

WOW.................... sex has rewards? I thought I lost testosterone and she got more energy.


Yup, it does have rewards. Ask any prostitute
There's also some couple who install reward rules. Like the "buy 1 get 1 free" rule or the "you dont have to do dishes" rule. Pretty rocking
 Darkbutcomely
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 106
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 7:14:15 AM
why not Cat why do I have to know anything about the person if I all I desire is a sexual encounter?? Why if this will lead to nothing more than more sex do I have to care about anything other than his ability to stay healthy? And how many friends can I have with these benefits?? One two 7 or 10 20? how about 50?? can I have 50 different men I am sleeping with all friends with benefits?? HOW do I know he is truly a friend? Can he be married?? Since we are going to play this game LET'S really play. Who are you say what is responsible and what isnt? Responsible is simply not getting pregnant or getting a STD.

And the majority of men I have slept with I dont remember their names and funny how those friends disappear when I find a real relationship. So really the fact the friendship was based simply on the fact they were getting their sexual needs met without the relationship was the real friendship. ONCE the friendship part had to kick in they were gone. NOW I dont miss them. But that was when I was A kids in my 20's, early 30's why the hell would I still be doing the same thing so close to 50? When do we grow up is my question???
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 107
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 8:51:02 AM
If I sleep with friends, they aren't friends anymore--they are people I'm involved with, even on a limited level.
Once you get physically intimate, they are dates or involvements, however go nowhere the situation.
FWB always struck me as being in denial. Oh, it's nothing-they don't count.
(they are nothing important), nothing happened (we're "friends", on the down low--can't admit I'm involved with HIM!) cuz I'm not that into him.
Why not admit ya had sex and maybe it was just there, or you always liked him that way,
what is this "friend" BS? The term friend has been abused.
So the fwb is just a void, he gets no number-I've had 3 ltrs, (5 fwb, but they don't count.)
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 108
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 9:02:52 AM

114: why do I have to know anything about the person if I all I desire is a sexual encounter?? Why if this will lead to nothing more than more sex do I have to care about anything other than his ability to stay healthy? And how many friends can I have with these benefits?? One two 7 or 10 20? how about 50??

… why the hell would I still be doing the same thing so close to 50? When do we grow up is my question???

Maybe we ‘grow up’ when we can answer those questions for ourselves? on our own terms?

That’s a bit glib, I suppose. We may never answer all our own questions. But at least it’s to ourselves that we turn with those questions, and for the final answers. And it’s to ourselves that we’re finally responsible, and the people whose lives we affect.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 109
view profile
History
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 10:25:11 AM
FixedVariable in msg 85:


This should be pretty simple.

If casual sex depresses you... don't engage. If you're happy with such an arrangement... engage


And out of the wilderness comes a voice of sanity.


Abelian in msg 99:


Humans can provide enough negative reinforcement for a dog to associate sex with pain, and a dog will avoid sex, too, only a dog won't create layers of obfuscation and self-delusion to turn it into a virtue in order to be happier about it, so a dog will learn to not have casual sex a lot faster than a human will. (Geez, I hope I don't give any ideas to the christian right here.)

What a great idea for a science fiction short story. Think “Harrison Bergeron”, only preventing sex rather than preventing intelligent thought. Where is Kurt Vonnegut when you need him?

Ladyc4 in msg 110:


The other thing that I begin to wonder about, is that perhaps women who've been conditioned to see sex as an "obligation" to be honored in return for commitment, fear that their "product" is being "undercut" by women who have a more open-minded attitude towards sex.

I suspect that the fear may be rising to the point where women who don't like sex are feeling pressured to engage in sex against their 'druthers' in order to "compete" with women who are less inhibited/negatively conditioned. So they go looking for propaganda against non-marital(non "committed relationship") sex, claiming it causes unintended reproduction, STDS, and now depression.

My respect for you and your cognitive abilities continues to increase.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 110
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 5:04:42 PM
I really doubt there is a huge campaign woman against woman, competing over virtue, undercut products, etc.
This sounds more like resentful shame talk.
Maybe the ones pro fwb feel defensive and interpret women who don't like going down a slippery slope of casually bonking people and wasting their time, as judging them.
Maybe a small minority of women judge the"sluttiness" of other women, but I doubt many care what anyone does--it would be a waste of time worrying about other people's sex lives.
I don't compete with other women, so undercutting...oh brother.
I also doubt there are women existing who "don't like sex".
They want it under certain conditions, with certain people.
And not all sex is good or makes one happy, one tries to set up the best conditions to fulfill oneself.
That is an individual choice, not one made by the pressure to conform, or you're a square.
The "make this a casual sex world or you are sick and damaged, frigid, hung up" is really what goes on socially vs people trying to have more fwb--that conversion already happened.
So, what is all the defensiveness about?
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 111
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 9:08:41 PM

Msg118: Maybe the ones pro fwb feel defensive and interpret women who don't like going down a slippery slope of casually bonking people and wasting their time, as judging them.

Slippery slope? Bonking? Wasting time? I’d interpret that as judging. Women are often the perpetrators of unconscious sexual shaming, as well as the targets.


I also doubt there are women existing who "don't like sex".

Loss of sexual desire in women is a frequent marital problem. In men too, of course. Not everyone has a sex drive or enjoys it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 112
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 10:07:29 PM

Maybe the ones pro fwb feel defensive and interpret women who don't like going down a slippery slope of casually bonking people and wasting their time, as judging them.


Again-the only thing I'm concerned with being "defensive" about...is the miscalling/mislabeling of friends with benefits involvement as "casual sex". A true and functional FwB is more like "semi-casual" sex. It's not about having sex with someone you don't like/aren't attracted to-why in the WORLD would anybody want to have sex with someone that they don't like and aren't attracted to?

Umm-unless you didn't enjoy the sex-how is it a waste of time?
Let me again stress that I am NOT suggesting that people should be going out and having sex with strangers or persons that they dislike. And for those who can simply put their libido on a shelf when not in a relationship, nobody is saying that FwB is some kind of modern social requirement. It's simply an option, and no it's not 'perfect',and it is not for everyone.


Maybe a small minority of women judge the"sluttiness" of other women, but I doubt many care what anyone does--it would be a waste of time worrying about other people's sex lives.


Then why is this thread in existence? According to the OT, there is a woman who cares so much about other people having casual sex, that she is writing BOOKS about how bad casual sex/FwB is.


I don't compete with other women, so undercutting...oh brother.


Nor do I-I am simply mentioning what I have observed and heard-even right here in PoF forums. Believe me, this is FAR from the first anti-FwB thread we've seen. Some of them have gotten quite snarky-or overwrought.


also doubt there are women existing who "don't like sex".


Well,according to a lot of men, there are LOTS of women existing who don't like sex. Of course maybe they are all just lying, trying to get sympathy(insert sarcasm icon here).


They want it under certain conditions, with certain people.


FwB is not the same as hookups with strangers or general promiscuity.


And not all sex is good or makes one happy, one tries to set up the best conditions to fulfill oneself.

Of course! But not all people feel that the only "best conditions" are confined to committed LTR or marriage.


The "make this a casual sex world or you are sick and damaged, frigid, hung up"


Nobody is promoting casual sex.

Correctly intepreted, FwB is not "casual sex"-it's just not a "progressing-to-longterm-committment" interaction. I would think that true "casual sex"( hookups, one night stands, booty call) would be the most likely way to experience bad or disappointing sex-or to be tipped into a bout of depression.


So, what is all the defensiveness about?
I dunno-why are there people here so strongly defending the idea that '"committed relationship sex" is the only "right way to have sex"?

My "gripe"-if it could even be called that-is how some people,apparently predominantly MEN, I'm sorry to say...are using the term "friend with benefits" to set up what probably IS a sexually exploitive situation. The "friend" part should have at least equal weight with the "benefits".

What the author of the writings that inspired this topic is calling "friends with benefits" -is NOT really FwB.

Any kind of friendship that causes depression never WAS a real friendship. If sex is causing someone to be depressed, then something is amiss. However, as other posters pointed out-there are MANY causes of depression...and in the women "studied", there are several OTHER possible culprits.
Cindy O
 Sportsfreak89
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 113
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/27/2012 10:14:10 PM
Not all casual sex is because of depression. And in reality not all casual sex is bad either...as long as it is done safely.

Friends with benefits relationships are not bad either. But again, there is a right way to go about it, and a wrong way to go about it.

In essence it's all in how it's handled and the motivations behind it. Some people might have a casual sex relationship because the sex life is great but the dating life wouldn't work long term. Well needless to say we as humans are naturally attracted to what gives us pleasure in life.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 114
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 9:08:37 AM

Maybe the ones pro fwb feel defensive and interpret women who don't like going down a slippery slope of casually bonking people and wasting their time, as judging them.


I’m finding it difficult to believe that you are privy to every woman’s sexual life, to determine that every sexual experience outside the confines of marriage is a waste of time.

And of course it’s women being judged here, not men, as if their behavior is inconsequential.

How is sex a ‘waste of time’ anyway?

If you don’t get the ring?

Anyway, MutedEnthusiasm said it beautifully, so I will repeat:


Slippery slope? Bonking? Wasting time? I’d interpret that as judging. Women are often the perpetrators of unconscious sexual shaming, as well as the targets.


I’m not pro-FWB, or pro-casual sex, or pro-locking your knees together…I’m pro-minding your own damn business.

Oh, and women undercutting women has been going on forever. I’d be willing to bet it’s more easily recognized by women who don’t participate, than by those who indulge.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 115
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 1:13:27 PM
fleuron--where did I say I was privy (or cared) about every person's sex life?
"Waste of time"--I'm referring to my opinion, for me--no one else--that I'd want a future potential with anyone I sleep with.
If it doesn't work, fine, then it's short term. I wouldn't set up a situation knowing it would end--as usual, speaking for me.
When did I say everybody has to do what I do?
I do hear others saying if you don't have fwb, you have some hang ups vs doing what works for you.
As for not liking sex...If a person doesn't want to have sex, assuming they are in good health, it's s usually they don't want to have sex with the person in their life, and maybe they are stuck in the relationship--financially or whatever the case may be.
It's not unique to get pleasure from sex, though certainly the drives and needs are different.
Oh, and I am not particularly pro marriage, nor do I wear jewelry.
Waste of time, for me is having sex and calling it friendship or fwb--I'd call it involved on some level.
If I like someone enough for that, I'd date them or not bother.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 116
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 2:02:43 PM

The other option would be to work to change your perspective so you aren't depressed and unfulfilled from casual sex.


Another option is to consider the social and economic landscape of American female college students in their 20’s today. That includes such things as having far greater exposure than we had, as children, to single-parent households (emotional and economic ramifications) and the current skyrocketing rate of births to single mothers, now over 50% of births in the US. Those are very real to my kids and their boyfriends (all in their 20’s), and they say flat out that it affects the way they view sex and relationship, and the choices they make. Its such a different world and view than I had growing up and at their ages.


Has it occurred to you that we might care about something beyond our own sexual satisfaction? That we have daughters and sisters and friends that are vulnerable to misinformation? That we would object to misinformation (and bigotry) of any kind in the public arena, whether it be sexual or political or religious or pseudo-scientific, etc? Has it occurred to you that some men might care about people they’ve never even seen or heard of and never will, let alone have sex with them?


Generally people whose motivation is their care for others are open to hearing and understanding the others’ many voices, to considering additional information and opposing positions, and to moderating or adjusting their position in order to have greater understanding.

On another point, though, the day that men get pregnant and left holding the baby is the day that the world will change. I don’t know, but I can’t believe that there is any “science” that proves that sex, especially for the fertile female, is devoid of a reproductive component at the primal/chemical level, or that there is solid “proof” that the primal chemical impulse for pleasure and reproduction can be parsed out much less prioritized.

America since the Summer of Love has not been all peaches and cream, and the truth is in the middle way. So we might as well listen and consider rather than banishing dissenters from whatever doctrine we adhere to. Pathologize those who disagree? That’s old school.

As to not knowing these subjects- I know many female college students in their 20's, including my children and their friends. And despite their being raised in unquestionably liberal communities, in liberal families and going to liberal institutions, their view of casual sex is very different than their dad's and mine were at their age. (And, no, there is nothing "wrong" with them.) The baby mama and baby daddy phenomenon is VERY influential to them, and to their boyfriends'. As are the economy and desire to create stable marriages and families.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 117
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 2:39:52 PM

Waste of time, for me is having sex and calling it friendship or fwb--I'd call it involved on some level.

You don't have any emotional involvement with those you call friend?


I wouldn't set up a situation knowing it would end--


But the end,or any change,in a FwB doesn't have to end in emotional violence. Don't you sometimes find yourself and a friend kind of drifting apart? I mean, I hope that doesn't happen to anyone often-but it does happen. Best case "end of FwB" scenarios are that both people find someone whom they believe to be the "real deal"-OR-it dawns on the FwBs that they ARE right for each other. I do not advocate that anyone go into a FwB thinking they can make that happen!

Again, as far as involvements and relationships ending on a significantly negative note-IT HAPPENs. Even serious committed LTRs and marriages. Sometimes platonic,even same-gender friendships end badly.


When did I say everybody has to do what I do?

Who here is trying to force you to do as they do?

What's being discussed/defamed/dissected/defended/attacked/explained is a sociosexual CONCEPT. The worst drawback of FwB-IMO-is that is so often used to sell an apple to someone who wants to buy an orange. Now if tons of young college women are being steered into being cum dumpsters or live masturbation devices by men saying "here's an orange"(fwb) and then giving them an apple( f*ckbuddy)-perhaps the resultant depression will create a teachable moment-that one must look past the words and look at the actions.


do hear others saying if you don't have fwb, you have some hang ups vs doing what works for you.

so? I do hear some using attempts and judging and shaming to discredit the people who do not categorically condemn FwB.


It's not unique to get pleasure from sex
I don't think anybody said it was?


If I like someone enough for that, I'd date them or not bother.


Actually, that is NOT off the table for FwB.
The more likely scenario is that the 2 involved people do non-sexual things together-heck even if it's just one helping the other to whitewash the chicken coop-as friends and companions.

In a FwB that works well, it is not unknown for the 2 people involved to be presumed bf/gf, SOs or even spouses.

I'm not basing this statement just on personal experiences-but also on people I know that I (and other people as well) initially presumed to be in a relationship-but as I got to know them better, it became apparent that it was much closer to being a FwB.

As to the book, or study-whatever-that was used as a lead-in to this "lets badmouth FwBs" thread-it appears to me that the researcher/author was studying women who were in f*ckbuddy situations...as to who placed the "FwB" label on these involvements,I can see several ways that may have come about.

Hey-if ones' emotional makeup is such that one can only enjoy sex within the framework of a clearly-defined, tradition-based "relationship"I can well imagine that forcing oneself to participate in less-defined/less traditional could cause depression. Heck even the same person can be in different emotional places at different times in their lives and I would imagine trying to force oneself into any behavior that doesn't really "fit" ones' current emotional location,could tend to cause some depression or negativity of spirit.
Cindy O
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 118
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 3:07:46 PM
Cindy, "friend" used to mean non-romantic and non-sexual.
It's a sexual relationship, so the skirting about with euphemisms can trivialize your interaction--you are ranking people--good enough to sleep with, that's it, but not attempt a relationship.
If you or others do it in a way that is respectful and no hard feelings, who am I to say a thing but I doubt most people are that mature or are doing it as you describe, for them it is casual and with little emphasis on friendship.
The dating scenario is often a waste of time with all the expected instant hooks up--forget any actual involvement other than sexual.
Re the "unique" comment--
Oh people are acting like the "frigid" crowd hates sex and refuses to have fwb, when they
prefer doing it another way, having lulls between involvements.
Endings--I don't care if a relationship ends, if we were honest and the relationship was respectful but just didn't work--what I said was I don't go into one knowing ahead of time it's limited or doomed.
Shaming or judging--I don't think I've done that or attempted to stop others from doing as they please--I've spoken to my pov only, whereas others--not you-- feel the need to say their way is "right".
 Mr_Celibate
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 119
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 3:37:20 PM


than all we have to do is follow our lower instincts and everything should work out great.


No way to know for sure. We haven't been on the planet long enough to know if our evolutionary branch will be successful or ust one of a multitude of branches that died out due to a poor ability to adapt, survive and perpetuate their species...Humans are capable of going against nature even though nature has had a good track record for billions of years and always wins in any dispute...Humans apparently have a great enough intellect to engage in self delusion, but not nearly great enough to be completely logical.

I myself, have been on the planet long enough to know that if we follow our lower instincts, letting almighty nature take it's course, without using our brains and our hearts and souls, to temper our actions, we will tear ourselves to pieces. I guess nature wins and we lose. Now I understand the "Planet of the Apes" movie.

You're not "misunderstood" by the "illogical" unwashed, we just disagree with you. Human beings, as a "species", will survive until the end of time. It's the so called "enlightenment" philosophies that will not "survive and perpetuate." They are already "mutating" to their logical dead end.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 120
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 3:52:14 PM

pasmal 128: Shaming or judging--I don't think I've done that

But your post is loaded with judgmental language, saying others are…
– skirting about with euphemisms
– trivializing your interaction
– ranking people
– people are acting like the "frigid" crowd hates sex and refuses to have fwb
– others feel the need to say their way is "right".
– The dating scenario is often a ‘waste of time’, the very same charge you made earlier, pasmal, and then denied it was about anyone’s situation other than your own…


pasmal 125: "Waste of time"--I'm referring to my opinion, for me--no one else--that I'd want a future potential with anyone I sleep with.

…when clearly you intend to apply it to others.


I've spoken to my pov only, whereas others--not you-- feel the need to say their way is "right".

Perhaps you "feel the need" to judge others? There’s actually quite little of your point of view there – just misrepresentations of others, and the judgments you pass upon them.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 121
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 3:58:13 PM
What you do Muted is slam anyone who does not agree with you.
"Waste of time" refers to me, yes, and anyone else who feels it is. I guess you think I'm the only one with this dangerous notion.
Rather than accepting I think differently, you are claiming I'm out to legislate --that would be YOU.
You find it dangerous to think anyway but your way.
I'm done with your misreadings, and attacks.
What's funny is you think I have some agenda to stop others from having fwb --as if that means anything to me, shaming or controlling others by having an opinion(contrary to yours).
What I get tired of is your billboarding your notions and preferences like they are facts, instead of stating they are your preferences.
If you dominate a thread and shut down discussion, I guess it proves you're "right"
because people are tired of your misrepresentations.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 122
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 6:14:55 PM

She states that depression is rising among her female students and is finding that more and more of them engage in "Friends with Benefits" scenarios. In the end, the women often feel like they're not getting the "friend" part when the man is still reaping his "benefits". They "aren't even aware they're being exploited."


I have said before I tried the FWB thing twice and both times the women just assumed the FWB would turn into a "relationship".

The quote above seems to back up my experiences.

Tell me why is the friends part just for the woman and the benefits part just for the men?

If it was agreed upon by both to enter a FWB then if the women are not getting the friends part just whom is to blame for that? Also how is anyone being exploited? I am pretty sure a FWB requires both parties to agree to keep it casual. You know no strings or expectations on either party.

Here is a thought if you are not mature enough to handle a FWB and know it is only a FWB and will not change into a relationship (just because you want it to) in time then don't get into a FWB.
 FixedVariable
Joined: 10/17/2010
Msg: 123
view profile
History
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 7:03:31 PM
then if the women are not getting the friends part


I am wondering... what is the friends part? I mean is it hanging out... doing stuff like you do with your other friends that you're not having sex with?

Presumably, the other party was your friend before the benefits began. Having been in the situation before, for me the ONLY thing to change was that there was now sex involved.

I think when FWBs don't work it is because one of the parties involved forgets to or never intended to stick with the agreement that no relationship (beyond the original friendship) is forthcoming.

People that I know and myself usually go into these things with an open mind towards the possibility of a relationship, without developing an expectation of one... but that's probably more of an exception than a rule.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 124
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 7:31:17 PM

I am wondering... what is the friends part? I mean is it hanging out... doing stuff…

That would be my guess. That’s what I’d want – some interactive face time doing stuff that wasn’t in the bedroom. And trust and respect, helping each other, some emotional support, a few laughs, knowing I’ve got her back… ya know, friendship! (grins)
 FixedVariable
Joined: 10/17/2010
Msg: 125
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Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 7:43:09 PM
^^

I suspect, however, that you have 2 friends doing the FWB thing together with huge libidos and the "friends" part may in fact take a nose dive sometimes.

If you're truly good friends, though and are all clear on what's ok and not ok with you... I'm not sure that anyone is going to be too concerned.
 R00T
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 126
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 3/28/2012 8:53:11 PM

As the above article states during sex women release a hormone that causes her to bond while men release pleasure hormones. We are depressed when those bonds are broken. While they are just horny. We are NOT men when it comes to sex. We are unable to do the same as men due to our chemical make up. This is why men pay for sex while we as women would rather spend thousands on shoes.


Yeah tell that to the cheating wives lol
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