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 socalcitycat2012
Joined: 2/27/2012
Msg: 15
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes UpPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Wow! I'm so glad I found this thread! I really can relate to what I've been reading here!

What is nice is to meet a man who, when he asks you out on a "first" date, asks "Is there a day/time that works best for you? I know you need to arrange childcare. I can schedule around that."
 fairytaleslie86
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 16
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/1/2012 9:47:28 PM
I too am in this same situation. Its like doing everything "right" gets you everything "wrong"! If you want to chat sometime feel free to message me. We might actually have alot in common.
 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 17
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/3/2012 8:24:36 AM
Krystald I just looked at your profile. I'm a single mom also. If I were you,I would take the pics of your boys off your profile. There are all kinds of creeps out there. Especially since this web site is free.
 PeneopDreamwevr
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 18
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/9/2012 12:47:30 PM
I honestly quit looking. Because, even if they didn't ask for pics and seemed "gentlemanly" about my schedule w/work n kids, they still got snarky because after our dinner-date, "I couldn't understand and/or reciprocate their NEEDS." Uh-huh, whatever. So now I just have a profile because I do enjoy coming to the forums and I have met some really cool people on here. Not just from my area but from all over. I also get a lot of great advice from others on these forums about life in general. Some of these op's have really great life experiences that I do take and learn from.
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 19
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/9/2012 5:43:15 PM
First off, as a single mom, why are you announcing that you have two very young and vulnerable infants at home?

THIS SITE CONTAINS PEDOPHILES. In fact, ALL online dating sites contain them. And I am NOT talking about the registered types. I am talking about the ones who have gotten away with it for years. Most men have no sexual attraction to children. That includes most homosexual men. And, pedos only make up about 1-2% of all males. Sadly they appear to me to be in a higher percentage online.

A pedo needs to know what your kids look like so he can decide if it is worth the time investment to try to court you and get you to fall in love with him. Pedos nearly always have appearance, age and gender preferences that sexually arouse them. They actually lose interest in those children who are not the right "look" for their arousal. So my suggestion is that you (and to every other single mother on here) NEVER POST ANY PICTURES OF UNDERAGE CHILDREN ON A DATING SITE or front your kids as part of the dating process.

It's often best to simply say you have "two young children" or "preteens" or "two teens"and leave it at that. Unless you're in a serious relationship, your children's ages and genders are really none of anyone's business.

Just to reinforce this: When polled, pedos who preyed on girls generally had 5-7 victims on average. Those who preyed on boys had upwards of 125 victims... on AVERAGE. So your kids are especially vulnerable.
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STEREOTYPING
You also have the disadvantage of dealing with the racial stereotype of "single black woman with multiple children." So that can be biting you. It may be leading these men to believe that you can be convinced to "put out" if they flatter you or give you some attention. When you resist that stereotype, you burst their bubble of stupidity.

Furthermore, men do not generally assume that other men will abandon their male offspring. The stereotype being that you drove the "baby daddy" away or "like playas" or "chose a dope fiend." Perhaps they question whether you 1) want them to support your two boys (your words scream "insta-father") or 2) you are so headstrong and independent that you will never give them the time or attention that they want and need in return as a man or 3) even if they are willing to become an insta-dad, that you will never allow them to be a real father to your sons, instead you will retain a hyper-dominant hold on your boys that excludes them, or 4) that you'll use your kids as a valid reason to push them away if they get too close.

Unfortunately, I believe you are trying extra hard to NOT appear as a Jerry Springer/Maury Pulvich show stereotype black women: prolific, child-bearing, gold-digging, hoochie-mama. Instead you clearly have taken on the role of Wonder Woman, silver lasso of truth and all! Still a certain number of men who find you attractive may believe that telling you how great you handle your silver lasso, is the safest route into your red, silver and blue britches: the assumption still being that any successful, outspoken, single black woman in want of reassurance, merely needs a free meal, flattery and a penis, rather than a whole, dedicated, emotionally-present man.

So, STOP trying to be: single mom! caring for two infants! school! work! who needs a whole man?! WONDER WOMAN!!!! Your shining independence, while commendable, is all but killing these guy's sense of value as a man. Because, if you recall, Wonder woman came from an island where men were obsolete!

Not to say that you should not have your life together; but if so many men are "complimenting how together it is," then only wanting pictures or you to come over, sounds like they have resolved themselves to accepting that you really do not need or want a complete man in your life. But then there are a lot of sleazebags online as well... and pretty women get more of them making contact than the nice guys who are foolishly shy and reserved.

Maybe it's time to put your silver lasso away and soften your approach? I mean your perfection is so crisp, what man can add any value to your life? Besides that, at some point being Wonder Woman will drive you as crazy as it must make every man who tries to approach you.
 Kevin554
Joined: 3/20/2012
Msg: 20
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/10/2012 4:53:14 AM
Wow. ^Listen to that person.^ I wish I could meet more people like you lol.
 1shabbidazzle
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 21
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/15/2012 5:57:15 PM
I am new to this and enjoying the forums~it makes me feel better that I am not alone. I haven't had anything promising and can relate since I started looking again 6 months ago. Good Luck to all of us!!
 confident66
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 22
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/15/2012 6:20:22 PM
Its hard being a single parent,I know I am one , but as I agree with you my boys come first ,and I would rather stay single and raise them than have the wrong person in there lives, had much luck on this site? ,NO, but have made some decent friends all over the world, dont be in a rush , remember to be true to yourself first , your an attractive woman, look beyond pof what you may be seeking could be in front of you, take care.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 23
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:02:33 PM
Well.. I have, if you consider a successful relationship one that lasted over 6 months.... but you have to be willing to give up some of the with your kids in order to date these men. Men are visual. they are all going to want pictures. I find most men will ask you out a day or two at the most in advance.. if not the day of. Especially for the first meet date. I mean.. if you can't ever find the time to chill with them, how do you expect to date them? I guess you need to decide if you have the time or not and if you are willing to meet guys when your kids are around or when their kids are around.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 24
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:11:42 PM
m curch.. I didn't know any of that stuff until I had my own child either. so I agree with you. We as single parents has to learn all of this.. why do we expect others to just know it. I've never dated a man who didn't "know" that my child comes first without me telling him, but i've dated quite a few who were upset that i had to cancel at the last minute so often. Although I do find that if a guy likes you he adapts to this rather quickly and either shows up with pizza, tissues and a crappy G rated movie and/or reschedules with you.

Oh yea.. and if my date I just cancelled on shows up here with pizza and a g rated movie, I'll just melt. lol
 sparkles0812
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 25
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:53:31 PM
I agree with you completely confuzzled, guys or shld I say men need to step up to the plate
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 26
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 6:16:55 PM
Step up or realize they don't want to date a single parent and leave us alone in the first place!
 jodiblond
Joined: 11/2/2007
Msg: 27
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/17/2012 7:49:41 AM
Let me tell my Krystaid I have been a single mom for 10 years and I have felt hopless as well but I have learned over the years to just give it to God. I would go on dating site and say I'm a single mom with 3 boys and I have a job and blou, blou, blou. (or however you spell that lol) anyway I did everything you have done and got the same results you have. I fianly got to a point that I just looked up and said God it's all yours. Now I do still have a profile on here but what I have done this time is read some of the guys profiles and I figured if they can speak their minds than so can I. If you look at my profile you will see that I done just that. I figure if I get some good hits great if not than so what I'm having fun and I do meet some guys that I can talk to as freinds even if nothing else comes from it. And if I do exchange numbers with them and start the whole lets have phone sex or I want pics or stuff like that then I delete their number and never talk to them again. I will tell you this I talk to them for atleast a couple of months before I agree to meet them, because my boys do come before them or anyone else. I let them know that I have no problem continueing on by my self. I would rather be alone than end up with some freak thats going to hurt me or my children. I do have a big heart and I'm not a mean person but I have no problem being mean if I need to be.
I'm not going to tell you what you need to do cause I hate when people tell me what I need to do with my life or my kids, but I will say take what all these people on saying on here into consideration and think about it. I wish you all the best and God bless
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 28
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/19/2012 2:34:57 AM

I try to stress to these men before I give them my number that I have two boys who are 4 and 2 that live with me and I'm a single mom and I try to make sure they understand my boys will always come first and make sure they are okay with it.

Personally, I think you're just setting yourself up for failure, over and over again.

Right out the gate, you're telling these guys that they're never going to be more than Number #3 - at best. How flattering for them. Why do you think none of them are taking you seriously and just seeing what they can get sexually?

It's one thing to mention that you have kids and that it will definitely affect your dating availabilty at times, but it's quite another to launch into that overused "my kids are my world" speech which that just pounds home the fact to any potential romantic interest that they're always going to come in dead LAST with you. All you're doing is setting up a huge barrier that most aren't going to want to scale - just to be number #3 or #5 or #8 in your life.

I just think there's a kinder and gentler way to let potential romantic interests know that you can't always be available to them at the drop of a hat without making them feel that they're just another option to you. It's all in the delivery.
 krystald1986
Joined: 3/21/2012
Msg: 29
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:41:43 PM
Thanks. I will ASAP!
 LoveBeautifulDays
Joined: 2/21/2013
Msg: 30
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/6/2013 8:22:26 AM
Totally understand this, just remember biblically after marriage, the husband comes first, not the kids
 Kigstar
Joined: 2/6/2013
Msg: 31
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History
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/6/2013 1:28:26 PM
single mothers are ok for a hump and dump, but 90% of men will not get into a long term relationship with a single mother. Most don't want to raise someones kids period. Thats why these websites are full of single mothers looking for some "real man" or a man to step up, why did you have unprotected sex with a guy who wouldnt step up or wasn;t a real man. You want to **** the loser have kids with him then have a "real man" help raise them! yeah right keep dreaming ladies! look up MGTOW shit is changing!
 echoplex24
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 32
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History
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/7/2013 9:54:08 AM
this is my first time posting on POF forums. One of my impressions of the failings of this sight, and socializing in general, is that it is so common and normal to make way to many assumptions and have way to many unspoken, unwritten rules about interacting. One of the reasons I place such an importance on communicating is that there is no substitute. I recently askeda SM on here out and she tersely responded that she has kids she can't. Im an intelligent adult. I know she has kids. It was implied that she would make arrangements. Please try to form impression of someone based on more than just if they ask you out or ask for pictures. Talk to them. If talking isnt
'your thing' or if it isnt their thing, that's the handicapp, not the other stuff.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 33
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 5/6/2018 10:15:26 AM
I just read this and some of the posters had plenty of good insight. Mountainbreeze in particular had a good post. Back in 2011 there seemed to be a whole lot more single parents on this forum too.

This whole dating thing with kids has been a kind of learning process for me. When I first logged in to POF in December, I think I was just looking for a quick fling, really wanting to be with someone else to prove to myself that I could attract someone other than my kid's dad. No matter who it was I was going to crash and burn because let's face it, the emotions that come to the surface when you are with someone new after a 9-year relationship are going to be intense and difficult to deal with. But now that I've taken a step back from thinks for a while, I'm grateful that I did get my fling in and I had a couple quick romps too. It was something I needed to do for myself to figure out some things for myself. I think if I hadn't I would be in a more depressed state and still hung up on wondering if I was done with men forever. But I'm not. And coming on this forum I've read so many other forumites' experiences and opinions on things, it's really helped me gain perspective, formulating new thoughts and opinions and realizations on my own. Has my self-confidence flourished on here? Not so much, I'll admit to feeling some self-esteem lows reading others' thoughts on single moms dating but at the same time I've had to acknowledge that issue and learn not to get me down. Lots in my life has been chaotic this last year but I feel like I've figured out a lot of the chaos now and am looking forward to things in the future.
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