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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Does "down and out" mean unloveable?      Home login  
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 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 26
Does down and out mean unloveable?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

One of my good friends has had zero luck finding work, even temporary work, in the past several months, and he despairs of ever finding anyone who is willing to do simple things on a date, things which cost little to no money.


first thing is first... reply to this post and then look over there ----->

see all the things like the dancing pickles and such? now look all the way on top of them.

This allows you to quote a previous post.
If you cut and pasted it this is how it would show up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is an issue that might be more important for your friend to realize. IF he is not finding work and not able to create his own work (Self-Employment) then that is the issue he might be having with the ladies.

There is work in this country and many other countries. The employers however have plenty of choices available. That means if your friend is NOT getting the job then he is not standing out from the crowd.

If you are content working for someone else and your information is in a stack of 100 other peoples ...then you need to discover how to catch someones eye.

The not even able to get work through a temp agency however screams there is other issues at work in his situation.

Dating with little or no money is quite frankly ..NOT possible. You do not date when broke. It changes from dating to instead hanging out with a friend...lol.

Tell your friend to find someone that just wants to hang out.... I know (from reading the forums) that many women here seem to think its all about dating but i know from personal experience that there are women on here that do not want the pressure of getting all dressed up and heading out for a night on the town to act like they are at a job interview while "dating" someone.

Believe it or not there are women out there that just want to find a friend to hang out with, maybe watch a DVD or cook a meal with, WITHOUT all that pressure of worrying about where it is leading.

That is where your friend should shift his focus to. Those are the women that would take the time to examine his entire situation to assess the possibilities of forming a relationship in the future.

If you are out on a traditional type of date that means you have just a couple hours time to put forth something of interest that could result in a second date.

That is usually why some people talk about dumb topics and then regret bringing them up, or start discussing the wonderful things they have done which makes them look vain.

The clock is ticking while on a traditional date. Bringing up info like work is a norm on those dating conversations so replying with the truth that you are unemployed means you are not likely to get that second date.

You can see that outcome before ever heading down that path so do not bother walking that path to begin with. Shift your thinking a bit.

FRIENDS are what you should be seeking and not dates because friends that like you will be extra sets of eyes for you should they notice some place hiring that you might work at. Friends are the ones that you spend time with so they know you well enough to tell if you will be a benefit for a employer.

Friends can also have other friends that are single that they see might be perfect for you or you them. The nice part about having friends in your time of unemployment is that if warranted they could stick up for you or your situation...

Statements like "He is a good guy, that does not normally have job issues" and things like that act like 3rd party references.


"giving a woman undivided attention can come across as creepy, which I understand, but it's what I have to give right now!".


What is creepy to one is heaven to another. Believe it or not there are women (and men) out there that do not like being alone. I know of several women even right this very moment that would like nothing more than to be with their boyfriends NON STOP!

So while it is creepy for someone to want to and be able to spend every waking moment with a woman that wants her space, it is NOT creepy to the woman that wants to constantly be with her man.

I know a secret on how to find exactly the type of woman your friend is seeking.

It is called HONESTY! If your friend is 100% honest to a potential mate as well as himself then it will make all the difference in the world.

Example.... Say your friend wants to be with someone 24 hrs every day and is looking for someone to marry. Putting in his profile or talking about that he is someone that likes to give his girlfriends their own space will not yield a long term relationship for him.

But if he was 100% honest and just said that he is looking for someone to be with around the clock and hopefully get married to.. then yes it may exclude the majority of the women that may read his profile and think of him as a clingy freak.

But if the right woman finds him that is ALSO looking for that type of life and they end up with their happy ever after story then who was the freak? Not either of them they found what they wanted.

oops this is getting long sorry...

Bottom line.... if your friend is reading this...... if you are not finding work then i would suggest altering what you are showing your potential employers. It clearly isn't working. If something is not working for you then change it.

Just my opinions....
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 27
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:09:05 AM
I can see spending most of your time trying to find a job
or going to school, etc., without worrying about dating.
On the other hand, nothing wrong with meeting up with
people for walks, coffee, cones or other cheap dates while
you're doing it.

People do need some joy in their lives.

I would have no problem dating someone who was unemployed.
Moving in with them and having a committed relationship with them
while unemployed would be something else entirely.

Everybody is loveable to someone.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 28
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:11:42 AM

really people stop freaking judging


Youd have better luck yelling at the sun to stop moving for a few hours....
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 29
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:16:31 AM
^^^^^ I hear that Capn
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 30
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:21:15 AM

I hear that Capn


Haha, nice to know I'm not the only one who's awake, compared to all the sleepers ;-)
And I used to think that people DIDNT judge you, not all of them. Then, I learned all about the word "hypocrisy" . Was 12 at the time, and some people STILL dont think the people they knew do that
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 31
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:25:07 AM

Another good post, Dreamer.


Thanks... i have them every now and then. Most times though it seems my posts = the death of a thread...lol
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 32
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:34:51 AM

That's not even close to what I was suggesting, but if you want to spin it that way to build your own gender-bashing case, it's all on you


As much as I can see it looked like it, my comments were not directed towards you. I only stole a quote "you can't win" from your post to start mine. As far as the bashing was concerned, if that was the result, it wasn't the goal. My intentions were to give another perspective, which is what I thought we do here.


Our society is much more tolerant of that when it is the woman who is lacking on the financial front. Double standard I know but, unfortunately, a reality


^^^^^ This would be more along the lines of what I was directing this towards. My fault for not being more clear.


Frankly if some guy offered what you described to me and I hardly knew him, I'd think he wanted to get into my pants in return for all his magnanimous efforts. Otherwise known as "having an agenda".


I must concede that my example of stepping up for a woman I was dating was not a first meet. She was employed when I met her, but left her job about a month into the relationship. She did get another job about 3 months later, but I would have to think she would have thought less of me had I disappeared when she needed a friend.


the absolute LAST thing I'll be worrying about is why can't I get a date.
The word priorities immediately comes to mind


Agreed. I said the same thing. What the person needs is a friend not a date. I wouldn't be expending my energies on dating either.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 33
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:45:42 AM
I was in a shelter once for 3 months and for some odd reason, men still wanted to date me. Go figure.

When I was asked where I reside by these men, my answer was, "In that shelter over there." This still didn't deter them. Interesting because I thought they would run for the hills for sure.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 34
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:47:57 AM
I’ve been that ‘down and out’ guy, less than ten years ago. And I did feel unloveable, or at least undate-able. There’s talk that this lack of funds, career, income affects men’s self-esteem and sense of social viability more than women, which I find believable. But women are not immune, certainly.

Now I’m in a position to offer service and compassion to folks who are and always will be far worse off than I ever was, and it’s a perk of the job to do so. I like helping people. It feels good. And I notice they help each other too. And they’re not all celibate.

I am frugal of necessity. My discretionary income goes to family. I generally don’t spend much money on the first few dates unless I’ve already got tickets to something and need to find a companion. That’s happened, but never turned into a relationship. And I have a hunch that kind of largesse early on may have set up an expectation that I couldn’t meet, and I probably wouldn’t do that again. But it sure was fun feeling like a big spender.

I’ve had women ask me out, saying they have coupons for dinner or a club, and I love it. I admire resourcefulness and appreciate frugality. Those life skills are a match for my snack bracket.

I’d rather grab a coffee, walk on the beach, throw a frisbee, browse in shops and galleries, make dinner at home and walk some more than sit in a restaurant. I want to do the things with a woman that we’d do if we were in a relationship. Don’t know why they decline to couple under the willows along the way when it’s so cost-effective. Probably just my picker.

Women will date a guy who has nothing. If he’s an artist, a musician, a poet or a student. Or if he’s down on his luck but hustling in every way he can. Not every woman, but some. If a guy’s got some charm and moxie, a good heart and head and willing hands, some woman’s gonna like him.

Did you hear about the street bum who approached a fashionable matron on Rodeo Drive and said “Please ma’am, I haven’t eaten in three days.” She said, “My, what self-control!”

Maybe one key is to look for companionship in a similar income bracket. Do a little volunteer work. Attend free events. Go where the cash-strapped go. Wherever that is.

Not the opera. Artists, hippies, single moms, service industries… I dunno. But I think the attitude is important. It’s hard to be proactive when you don’t feel attractive. Hey, I’m Jesse Jackson.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 35
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:51:38 AM

I thought they would run for the hills for sure.


ALL women would have. Men never would. You can call it either not caring, wanting only your azz, or lack of intelligence, whatever suits your fancy. But guy never care.
 lovelyladyonsite
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 36
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:07:25 AM
For me I would experience an unemployed man on how successful he was in the past. If he had a successful business for quite some time or a successful (meaning financially successful) position in a company but lost it due to the economy that would be much more attractive to me than a man who is steadily employed with low wages. The successful guy out of work has proved what he can do and will most likely be successful again so creative dates with little money for a time would be O.K. I agree with the poster that said even a woman that makes a lot of money does not want to pay for the man. I think I would also have a time limit in my head how long for him to be down and out before I get turned off and walk away.
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 37
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:15:34 AM

ALL women would have. Men never would. You can call it either not caring, wanting only your azz, or lack of intelligence, whatever suits your fancy. But guy never care.


There is a saying that is heard often..

"Behind every successful man is a good woman"

I used to ponder that statement. I would wonder about its validity. I attempted to figure out if the implied meaning was that the woman behind the man was the cause for the success.

What i discovered however is... It may imply that it is the woman behind the man that is the cause of the mans success, but that is not the truth.

When most women use that statement it is used in that context. The truth however is that the woman behind the successful man in most cases simply stepped into the life of an already successful man. The ones that didn't, never use that line because it is seen as a successful couple.

I have no doubt your friend may see himself as unlovable. But that is not the case as long as he is not trying to find someone that is NOT looking for what he is offering.

That statement of "Behind every successful man is a good woman" in my opinion means the successful man found a woman willing to stand behind him.

Your friend in his current situation is NOT likely to find one of those types of women.

He needs to locate one that has a different philosophy on life. Tell him to look for a woman that subscribes to the moto " NEXT TO every successful man is a wonderful woman" It is the much better type of relationship since if she is behind him all she can do is push him. If she is in front of him she will have to pull him..... If she is next to him then they both have to walk forward together.

Just my opinions and observations
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:28:14 AM
The only opinion that counts is the woman he wants to spend time with. Some of the best times are strollig around a park feeding the ducks or whatever.

As for 'down and out'...I'll be the alternate voice here. I f it's a 25 year old and he's been diligent, frugal, etc. then I'm sympatheitc. Any older in North America...not so much. If it's any older 'what did he do in good times?'

Before you have some assets and a year's income in the bank, you don't buy pizza, coffee for a dollar or get a car. We made our lunches in college.. Number of times eating in a restaurant over those four years...one. Travelling was bumming a ride.

Most people do fine and it is far from 'luck'. They obtained an education, relocated, retrained, saved, etc. Sure, bad stuff can happen in life but part of being a responsible adult is preparing proactively for bad stuff and not being a victim when it happens. in the USA I suppose health costs can be an issue but hopefully someone didn't take a vacation or buy a car before they had adequate health coverage for their family.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:39:44 AM
I don't think anyone here is telling the 'down and out' person to dig a hole and bury himself. But most are suggesting that looking for a new GF may not be the best way to spend your free time.
Your friends and your families opinions don't change when you get into hard times.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 40
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:05:23 AM
SOME men may not care. However, I do believe other men would run for the hills if they found out a woman with nothing was living in a shelter.

Just because I didn't experience that, doesn't mean those men don't exist.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:19:13 AM
I think it's more difficult for men than women to be without a job and date. I've knows of several women that didn't have a job and still had no problem dating. While most guys that do not have a job, find out that women simply are not attracted to them.

It' play perhaps to our instincts. Women are still attracted to the feeling of being protected and being safe. Men in the other hand more often than not are attracted to the physical trait of the woman.

So, should you stop dating if you do not have a job? I would say, no. But keep in mind that your number one, number two, number 7th priority should be finding a job, improve yourself, do whatever it takes to at least be able to support yourself. So if you are a guy and broke, after you sent the 100th resume, then you can send a couple of emails, or go to a gallery opening, or go to some park and jog, or hang out at your local book store where there are a lot of single people hanging out. But the bottom line is, cover your priorities first.
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 42
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:40:02 AM
[/If your friend feels uncomfortable dating in the situation that he is in, perhaps he should focus more on finding suitable work than worry about appearing "cheap" to a date.]did it work
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 43
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:42:02 AM

Just because I didn't experience that, doesn't mean those men don't exist

I'd be willing to make an official bet of it. 100 Canadian bucks. Find one. Just ONE lol. And its not because I am such a defender of Men, I actually pretty much despise the whole bunch. Its just the way it is.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 44
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:51:02 AM

[/If your friend feels uncomfortable dating in the situation that he is in, perhaps he should focus more on finding suitable work than worry about appearing "cheap" to a date.]did it work[/]

I don't think so
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 45
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:14:21 AM
need the [ quote ] before and the [/ quote ] after just [ / ] is not it
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 46
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:29:49 AM
need the [ quote ] before and the [/ quote ] after just [ / ] is not it


I think I've got it now. Thanks.

Jac, I am much the same re time with people. I can put on a show, but I don't really enjoy that.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:37:25 AM
OP I don't think people are specifically judging your friend, he sounds like a good guy. but the fact is that there are a whole lot of people out there (girls and guys) who will quite happily settle into a routine of using another person financially instead of making an effort. Unfortunately that does make it harder for those genuine people who would never dream of doing so.

I think the suggestions people have made about him finding people to hang out with, friends rather than dating are good. At the end of the day a lot of the people (myself included) who said they wouldn't deliberately start a relationship from cold with a stranger who they know is in financial difficulty, have also said that if they knew the person, trusted them and knew that they were worth the time and were genuinely trying to improve their situation, would not rule it out.

If your friend is the genuine, worthwhile person that you so clearly see him as, he needs to take the pressure off dating and allow people to chat and get to know that about him.
 PamiOakley
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 48
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:20:51 PM
I was unemployed for 14 months and during that time had only 4 interviews - the current economy stinks. Fortunately, a year ago the company I was laid off from called me back to work. Honestly, I don't know if I would have found a job if that hadn't happened and I applied to 4 or 5 a week.

That said, when I was unemployed, I did not date or pursue dating. I could barely afford a cup of coffee out with friends and have always been of the opinion when on a date that if I can't pay for what I'm ordering, doing... etc., then I shouldn't be doing it. I never expect my date to pick up the tab but I will let him if he chooses (to be treated back at another time). Reason two I was not comfortable dating was that I didn't want any men I met to question whether or not I was a gold digger. Finally, my own disposition was out of sorts. I was distressed and I was distracted. I wasn't good company for the friends and family in my life that DID love me, never mind present a good image to someone that had never met me.

Having lived it, I don't know what I would do if I were presented with the reverse situation. If someone is truly pursuing work and not using the system, who am I to judge! Maybe he'll find someone in his situation and they can commiserate!
 AddiosSanibel
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 49
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:21:25 PM
The weather is getting to be nicer. I'm sure that your friend will eventually find someone who wants to go out for a nice long walk with him and get to know him better. My best friend dated someone who was unemployed. He moved in with her after three months of dating and he eventually found a job working for a landscaping company. 'Tis the season. They're probably hiring right now!
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 50
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:29:37 PM
Ya; it pretty much does in this day and age. People are afraid to take a chance no someone because "war" is the way. [Let your guard down, and bam or at least that's how the fear tale goes]

Compassion days are....well.....they'll come around again.

I don't like doing cheap dates, unless it involves: dinner, movies and sex at home. Maybe that's too honest, but THAT is, at least, a full nights date. Going to the 10.00 mini putt is a date that requires follow up, and on a limited budget who knows when that will be. Add the fact that we are all adults with our own time constraints; and you might as well do it up large, and enjoy your first few dates right? I could be wrong, and small date s with many is the way; but who has time and the pool of candidates for that?

Dating poor....is not recommended. (And I hate it)

The funny thing is that some of my HOTTEST dates came when I was down and out. I suppose they just used me for sex; but hey. *shrugs* That wont happen these days either because most people will NOT admit to being needy in any way shape or form. (perception in the face of others is their everything; honest or not)


Even the ones who can afford it are usually reluctant to do it because it makes it look like they are buying a man. Our society is much more tolerant of that when it is the woman who is lacking on the financial front. Double standard I know but, unfortunately, a reality


Yup.

Hard to accept for a man also. (though it shouldnt be)


Self preservation food and shelter should always trump new pu$$y.


Agreed!!

(and slightly turned on)

^ Not something I would expect to hear from you! ^ (maybe its the weather?)





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