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 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 43
Does down and out mean unloveable?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Just because I didn't experience that, doesn't mean those men don't exist

I'd be willing to make an official bet of it. 100 Canadian bucks. Find one. Just ONE lol. And its not because I am such a defender of Men, I actually pretty much despise the whole bunch. Its just the way it is.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 44
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:51:02 AM

[/If your friend feels uncomfortable dating in the situation that he is in, perhaps he should focus more on finding suitable work than worry about appearing "cheap" to a date.]did it work[/]

I don't think so
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 45
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:14:21 AM
need the [ quote ] before and the [/ quote ] after just [ / ] is not it
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 46
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:29:49 AM
need the [ quote ] before and the [/ quote ] after just [ / ] is not it


I think I've got it now. Thanks.

Jac, I am much the same re time with people. I can put on a show, but I don't really enjoy that.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 47
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Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 11:37:25 AM
OP I don't think people are specifically judging your friend, he sounds like a good guy. but the fact is that there are a whole lot of people out there (girls and guys) who will quite happily settle into a routine of using another person financially instead of making an effort. Unfortunately that does make it harder for those genuine people who would never dream of doing so.

I think the suggestions people have made about him finding people to hang out with, friends rather than dating are good. At the end of the day a lot of the people (myself included) who said they wouldn't deliberately start a relationship from cold with a stranger who they know is in financial difficulty, have also said that if they knew the person, trusted them and knew that they were worth the time and were genuinely trying to improve their situation, would not rule it out.

If your friend is the genuine, worthwhile person that you so clearly see him as, he needs to take the pressure off dating and allow people to chat and get to know that about him.
 PamiOakley
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 48
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:20:51 PM
I was unemployed for 14 months and during that time had only 4 interviews - the current economy stinks. Fortunately, a year ago the company I was laid off from called me back to work. Honestly, I don't know if I would have found a job if that hadn't happened and I applied to 4 or 5 a week.

That said, when I was unemployed, I did not date or pursue dating. I could barely afford a cup of coffee out with friends and have always been of the opinion when on a date that if I can't pay for what I'm ordering, doing... etc., then I shouldn't be doing it. I never expect my date to pick up the tab but I will let him if he chooses (to be treated back at another time). Reason two I was not comfortable dating was that I didn't want any men I met to question whether or not I was a gold digger. Finally, my own disposition was out of sorts. I was distressed and I was distracted. I wasn't good company for the friends and family in my life that DID love me, never mind present a good image to someone that had never met me.

Having lived it, I don't know what I would do if I were presented with the reverse situation. If someone is truly pursuing work and not using the system, who am I to judge! Maybe he'll find someone in his situation and they can commiserate!
 AddiosSanibel
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 49
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:21:25 PM
The weather is getting to be nicer. I'm sure that your friend will eventually find someone who wants to go out for a nice long walk with him and get to know him better. My best friend dated someone who was unemployed. He moved in with her after three months of dating and he eventually found a job working for a landscaping company. 'Tis the season. They're probably hiring right now!
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 50
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:29:37 PM
Ya; it pretty much does in this day and age. People are afraid to take a chance no someone because "war" is the way. [Let your guard down, and bam or at least that's how the fear tale goes]

Compassion days are....well.....they'll come around again.

I don't like doing cheap dates, unless it involves: dinner, movies and sex at home. Maybe that's too honest, but THAT is, at least, a full nights date. Going to the 10.00 mini putt is a date that requires follow up, and on a limited budget who knows when that will be. Add the fact that we are all adults with our own time constraints; and you might as well do it up large, and enjoy your first few dates right? I could be wrong, and small date s with many is the way; but who has time and the pool of candidates for that?

Dating poor....is not recommended. (And I hate it)

The funny thing is that some of my HOTTEST dates came when I was down and out. I suppose they just used me for sex; but hey. *shrugs* That wont happen these days either because most people will NOT admit to being needy in any way shape or form. (perception in the face of others is their everything; honest or not)


Even the ones who can afford it are usually reluctant to do it because it makes it look like they are buying a man. Our society is much more tolerant of that when it is the woman who is lacking on the financial front. Double standard I know but, unfortunately, a reality


Yup.

Hard to accept for a man also. (though it shouldnt be)


Self preservation food and shelter should always trump new pu$$y.


Agreed!!

(and slightly turned on)

^ Not something I would expect to hear from you! ^ (maybe its the weather?)





 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 51
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Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:24:43 PM
Nothing wrong with dating when unemployed. Most unemployed people are not desitute. Unemployed people, those over 55, control most of the assets in western societies.

My girlfriend and I are unemployoed for the 3 months we travel. I also don't work for a month each summer but go North and participate as a volunteer in wildlife studies.

Being unemployed with no liquid assets in the USA is a minority of people and yes, dating for them may not be a priority. in most western societies, however, greater social benefits, makes being unemployed less arduous. ...no need to put one's life on hold.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 52
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:40:09 PM
Great thoughts on dating and unemployment. I agree with the poster who said that your friend should change his focus to making friends instead of trying to date.

Friends don't care about money, and if the relationship develops into something more, then great for him. If not, he at least gets some companionship. Jobs fulfill us in lots of ways--they give us something to do with our time, they give us colleagues to talk to, sometimes (if we are lucky) they give us a sense of purpose, they (sometimes) challenge our minds, and they give us means to pay the bills. Being unemployed means having to fulfill all of those needs "on the fly" or even suppress some of them. Spending time with new friends can be really helpful, as an earlier poster mentioned.

Unemployment can be hard on even very strong, long lasting marriages. It takes a toll on people emotionally. It can affect one's feeling of worthiness even. I have had very hard times in my life when I was younger and my heart goes out to your friend, but I can't imagine hooking up romantically with someone unemployed. Well, maybe, if I was already their friend and knew them to be a wonderful person...anything can happen.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 53
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:44:58 PM

..no need to put one's life on hold.
Exactly what I told him!

Ever notice how the people who agree with you are the most intelligent in any crowd? (KIDDING KIDDING)

I appreciate you all responding with your thoughts for him. He's read them all, agrees with many, in various and even conflicting stances....and says thanks so much.

And I personally am grateful to have FINALLY learned how to quote someone. win-win
 111ALLEN
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 54
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:53:39 PM
thats a good question meems.... as for me , i'm 52 and kinda slowed down a bit...and that ,(over time) does cut back expenses..
the gals that i see come to my place most the time now a days...that helps .
and maybe i'm fortunate cause being self-employed ,i am definatly being effected by the economy.
theres all kinds of fun ,simple stuff thats a ton of fun!. plus it helps that i recognize a gal that has to be wined and dined all the time, and kinda stay away from that...(once in a while is kool )
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 55
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 6:41:28 PM
Meems-
I surely hope things take an upturn soon for your friend.
Other folks have brought up some good points..
>Looking more for friends than formal dating...
>Is there anything he can freelance at?
>Do consultant work?
>Has he considered looking for opportunities to do volunteer work, or work for causes he cares about? This may give him some good opportunities for increasing knowledge-and for NETWORKING.

Unfortunately, in the scenario of dating from online-it is going to be a bit more difficult because one just doesn't know the past history of a person-there are not mutual friends that one can sound out to find out whether the unemployment is truly a product of the eonomy or if it is more of a recurring problem. Not saying that this is true of your friend, simply commenting that these are concerns that may enter the minds of women he tries to date.
As for the men who proclaimed loudly that they didn't give a woman's employment/financial situation one iota of thought...I don't know whether to praise you for princes or damn you for fools.

I think that probably the wisest course of action-under the conditions that prevail in dating these days- is to choose one's prospective life partner from those who have money coming in from a legal source or are well-positioned to become financially self-reliant.
Now-if you have known someone a long time, or know people who've known that someone a long time, that can confirm that their current employment situation is truly due to the economy-that might allow one to take more of a chance on dating someone who is currently experiencing employment and economic difficulties.

But I'm inclined to agree with those who say that being "down and out" doesn't necessarily render your friend "unloveable"-but it certainly can make traditional dating
a difficult thing to pull off. He should be seeking friends, hang-out people, volunteering, networking, poking bears and turning over rocks to find gainful employment,first and foremost.

I've seen a lot of guys of my acquaintance -good men!-who have voluntarily taken themselves out of the dating game when unemployment or other economic difficulties put their finances on a tight rein.

I've also seen men that managed to put together a few different small work/income streams and get by pretty well that way.
This is why I mentioned freelancing, consulting, making use of other skills he might have( handyman work, musical instrument lessons, odd-job man, technical consultant, tutor...)
I certainly do wish him the best of luck in overcoming this difficulty!
Cindy O
 Arata_na_Yoake
Joined: 1/25/2012
Msg: 56
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:22:49 PM
My age group is relatively young and since a lot of recent college graduates are having trouble finding a job I wouldn't hold it against them. Any way you look at it, luck beats skill every time. That said, as long as the person was proactive in finding a job and stays productive I really wouldn't care if they had a job at the moment.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 57
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:35:39 PM
i'm sorry but if someone doesn't have their house in order, then dating should be last on their list.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 58
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/30/2012 6:41:19 AM

i'm sorry but if someone doesn't have their house in order, then dating should be last on their list.


We do what we can, and in the meantime, good company and compassionate people are uplifting.

Wish you well, too.
 one nice catch
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 59
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/30/2012 8:08:25 AM
i agree with you carolann i myself am going thru tough times right now. i am in the middle of getting disabilty. this has been going on for a year... i do have money set aside while i am going thru the process. just enough to get by. dateing right now is on the back burnner ....but when it all comes together for me ...look out ladies here i come
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 60
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/30/2012 8:09:49 AM

i'm sorry but if someone doesn't have their house in order, then dating should be last on their list.


LOL Good thing I wasn't drinking my coffee, it would have flown all over the screen, since I laughed so hard....
Who the HELL has his house in order and starts dating, wether it be offline or online?
Seriously, how many are there? Three, four...in the WORLD?
Think of ex wives, ex boyfriends, problems kids, debts, mortgages, professionnal hitmen, people hallucinating martians that want to it crosses with Jesus on them.............. NO ONE on planet earth, or at least very few of them, is problem-free and start dating. Most of them use dating to escape their problems, if anything else. It's usually cheaper than booze
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 61
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/30/2012 8:24:43 AM

Think of ex boyfriends, problem kids, debts, mortgages, professionnal hitmen, people hallucinating martians


Thanks for calling me out like that. I'm trying to get the house in order.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 62
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/30/2012 8:43:16 AM

Thanks for calling me out like that. I'm trying to get the house in order


I'm sorry. I was just trying to cope by bashing someone else, of the fact that I have 12 ex-wives running after me for a pension on my 22 illegimate children. Not to mention the ghost of Barney the Dinosaur that keeps trying to dry hump my leg.....


Now, WHERE ALL 'EM GIRLS AT???
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 63
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Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/30/2012 10:52:05 AM

LOL Good thing I wasn't drinking my coffee, it would have flown all over the screen, since I laughed so hard....
Who the HELL has his house in order and starts dating, wether it be offline or online?
Seriously, how many are there? Three, four...in the WORLD?
Think of ex wives, ex boyfriends, problems kids, debts, mortgages, professionnal hitmen, people hallucinating martians that want to it crosses with Jesus on them.............. NO ONE on planet earth, or at least very few of them, is problem-free and start dating. Most of them use dating to escape their problems, if anything else. It's usually cheaper than booze.


Thanks, Cap'n... You beat me to it and probably said it better than I ever could.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 64
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/31/2012 12:29:05 PM
When given this theoretical question, and answering as an older gal (50), I'd say I'd have to shy away from an unemployed fella.
However, I would also say there may be mitigating factors that could sway me to reconsider.
Such as - why.
Or, general character of the guy - does it shine?
His other financial responsibilities - like child support? Is he buried?
I don't like this question! But I guess it's a fact of life that we girls would like an employed guy....maybe we can chalk it up in the column with the guys wanting a gal to have a nice bum? Not fair either!
So, he's gets a job (good luck!) and we can work on our butts. Even! :-)

Note: I feel for the unemployed and wish them all so much luck in turning it around!
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 65
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 3/31/2012 4:01:27 PM

When given this theoretical question, and answering as an older gal (50), I'd say I'd have to shy away from an unemployed fella.However, I would also say there may be mitigating factors that could sway me to reconsider. Such as - why.


I would f*cking hope so.

At 50; many successful people are retiring and cashing in investments to go live a little!!

Heck ; half the jobs held by more than half the people in my city are meant/held for purely existing (only). At the time their 50; they wil have gone BACKWARDS in net worth, because they have "jobs", but not "good" ones; or even ones designed to carry any upwards lifestyle.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 66
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 4/1/2012 7:23:11 AM

The difference between the two - should shake genuine and compassionate potential partners out of the trees. (That's what it used to do, back in those murderous early 1980's.)
Agreed. In many ways, it seems a more harshly me-only time, this time around, which I also understand....fear is a huge factor....I see it in the people who avoid the homeless, and we've always seen it in the faces of those who avoid anyone who has a fatal disease, etc. It is understandable. Hopefully, people learn to rise above that and see themselves in others, rather than seeing a threat. On the broader issues, I mean, not one's choice for friendship or connection...that is and always will be a complex case-by-case thing.

Thanking everyone for their responses. DrLonely, I agree with much you pointed out.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 67
Does down and out mean unloveable?
Posted: 4/1/2012 10:31:29 AM


Im sure alot of people worry about no one wanting them when their in a tough point in their life.

I myself used to think this. Until something happened to make me realise you can find someone at any time in your life.

Back in my late teens i'd ended up homeless. And while I was homeless I met someone in a bar and started dating them. Really helped me manage in that dark time in my life knowing that even at my worst someone still wanted me. Anyways ended up dating her for about 1year. Didnt work out in the long run.


True, but for me when I have been down and out and did not already have a relationship, I would rather work on fixing that first than take up a huge amount of valuable time dating someone new.
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