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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Some good advice is needed please      Home login  
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 fustrated4u
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 1
Some good advice is needed pleasePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I’m very frustrated so if it seams like I am babbling I’ sorry . I need some advise I have bin married for 17 years about 10 years ago I was injured at work and had to have back surgery . After the surgery the gave me a pump that was implanted under my skin with pain meds in how ever from the long time use of the med I have come down with ED ( erection disorder ) I did not ask for this it stinks tried all the pills witch are not covered . About one and a half years now the sex has gone by the way side with the ed the only way I have bin able to get my wife off is to go down on her I love it how ever I’m lucky if I get sex once a month it is really pissing my off . I have talked to her but it seams like words are falling on deaf ears I was thinking about going behind her back and finding some one for sex only . I have even ask her about fooling around when we go to bed for the past two days the reply was ok but when we go to bed she rolls on her side and out like a light I’m tired of taking care of it by my self .
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 2
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/12/2012 10:35:07 PM
Be funny if you went behind her back only to discover the ED is still a problem. Does she know you're on a dating site? You maybe should stick with your hand.
 vampyreshadow
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 3
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/12/2012 10:42:51 PM
Its bizarre people are blasting this guy, his profile is friendship only, and doesn't even remotely look like hes looking for a hook up. If you look on the web allot of places suggest for people who are socially isolated to use dating sites to find friends. (My first dating site profile, not here, was strictly to find friends)

As for what to do, try being sweet and romantic, even on a shoe string, a nice picnic outdoors, Roses and a candle lit meal, massages etc.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 4
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/12/2012 10:49:55 PM
You could learn a lot of new foreplay techniques, that would do things to your wife that oral probably won't.

Your Wife could learn some as well. That there's now sex once a month, there are most probably other intimacy issues between the 2 of you. It sounds to me that she feels like you need to perform for her, and she's neither being realistic, nor compassionate.

I'm not a Doctor, nor a Psychologist, but there may be other issues involved that we don't know about... I strongly suspect that there are.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 5
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:50:07 AM
" You have ED? Whoa I am sure there's a ton of women who can't *wait* to sign up for that with a PO'd wife in the background. Work out your relationship problems and get your priorities right before you start sneaking around. "

I'm not a Doctor, and I'm not prescribing Medical Advice. I've heard that stress, body stress from an injury, and medication cal all contribute to ED. There are solutions to ED in many cases. Some are natural, some are enhancements that you can use on yourself, such as a leather, or rubber type of strap. In many cases, ED can be reversed. Do some research, then maybe consult a specialist, and find what works for you.

MOST women do not have an orgasm thru intercourse. Keep that in mind while you are working on your foreplay techniques.

You are married. Remember that you took and gave vows. If you need another woman, get out of the Marriage before you seek another sex partner.

I admire you for posting on here that you have ED. It's a very personal, and sensitive issue, and that took a lot of guts for you to post it here.

IF you do seek another partner, whether before or after your Marriage, and if their approach is anything such as, " You have ED? Whoa I am sure there's a ton of women who can't *wait* to sign up for that...." You would know immediately that the WHOA, should apply to accepting any insensitive remark that came from any woman who would make that kind of cold, mocking, and distasteful statement.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 6
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:48:22 AM
"About one and a half years now the sex has gone by the way side with the ed the only way I have bin able to get my wife off is to go down on her I love it how ever I’m lucky if I get sex once a month it is really pissing my off . I have talked to her but it seams like words are falling on deaf ears I was thinking about going behind her back and finding some one for sex only . "


" This is confusing.If you can't have intercourse with her thanks to YOUR E.D.,why punish her by cheating on her when it's not even her fault the two of you can't have sex?Doesn't make any sense.Wouldn't you leave the next women you try to hook up with frustrated too? "

Do you not define oral sex, as sex ? I am sure that the OP didn't wish his ED on himself. I don't see his wife as being supportive. I DID read that he is willing to please her. Can he have satisfactory intercourse for a short period of time, and ? Could he be having an allergic reaction to the medication ?Could the OP be much more virile with a different partner ? I am not the OP's Doctor, nor am I the OP.

Are ALL women sexually satisfied by the same type of sex with different partners ? Has EVERY woman been satisfied with each partner who uses the same attempts and techniques on them ? You may want to rethink your theory that all men are the same type of lovers with different women .
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 7
Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:49:26 AM
Op - come on ... If you really have "ED":
1) please learn what the acronym represents - Erectile dysfunction (ED)
(not erection disorder - surprised it didn't get emblazoned on your brain during discussion with your Dr.)
2) How do you "take care of it yourself," if you are having problems with getting an erection?

Do you really think you are going to get the answers you seek by billboarding for attention regarding your "oral prowess?"

You do realize that couples can and do enjoy that in any physically intimate relationship. You don't have to have a bum winkie ...

Good luck! There have been many other threads like this and I would direct you toward some, but, oddly, they don't seem to survive!
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 8
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:53:00 AM
"Oh blah blah blah. Do you feel better now? You are not a doctor but you sure told me! Tsk tsk. I am humbled.

The guy is all frustrated and now he wants to coldly and distastefully mock the marriage vows he took..... meh who cares about that. Eff that shit man..... Get on the internet, go shopping now for a few women to play with his pee-pee!!!! Penis is #1, yay for penis, marriage vows take a back seat. Get off your high horse woman, I am sure the air up there is quite thin, and impacting your ability to think rationally.

WHO is cold, mocking and distasteful?? I would say it's self-appointed diva who came to the emotional rescue of some married guy trolling for some strange punanny on the internet."

I've previously had these same 'holier than thou' attitude problems with some attitude bound woman named Motown....funny how you remind me of her.

OP, you took Marriage vows. Look into the Medical and Natural possible solutions that may help you.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 9
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:56:29 AM
" How to you "take care of it yourself," if you are having problems with getting an erection? "

Some Doctors will tell you that some men have been capable of having an orgasm, without an erection.

There are also medical devices that are advertised, and Medically approved, out there that can take care of it for you.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 10
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:01:29 AM
" I hate when people have "crowds" in thier profile pictures."

That's YOUR Problem, and not mine. I did not respond, nor comment in reference to your profile, nor will I. Be advised, that your unsolicited comment about my Family picture is against POF Forum Rules.

Since when does my profile picture have anything in the world to do with this Thread, which is the OP's Marriage, his ED, and his other issues and concerns, which he has stated ?

Feel Free to hate my picture all you want. Keep your opinions about my personal life and profile choices, to yourself.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 11
Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:05:08 AM
OP - surely you are aware (assuming you have, indeed, been diagnosed with ED, as your doctor would have provided you with the appropriate resources) of the MANY online ED support groups that exist. I'll bet you would get "good advice" from someone who has actually been in your position.
Here's one:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Impotence-Erectile-Dysfunction/support-group

Coming to a dating site looking for Female "friends" will accomplish little to strengthen the bond with your wife.
Of course, you have all the rationale you need to "go behind her back":
1) I’m lucky if I get sex once a month it is really pissing my off .
2) I have talked to her but it seams like words are falling on deaf ears
3) I was thinking about going behind her back and finding some one for sex only .
4) I have even ask her about fooling around when we go to bed for the past two days the reply was ok but
5) when we go to bed she rolls on her side and out like a light
6) I’m tired of taking care of it by my self .





P.S. Maybe you will become familiar with what ED stands for rather than trolling for a "friend" that you are hoping to convince has given you a "miracle cure."
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 12
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 8:05:32 AM
" A new woman in your life, will simply complicate an already complicated situation. A new woman, is not likely to want you anyway with ED, unless she is into no sex. "

You generally give smart and reasonable advice, worth paying attention to. Your mention of your ex wife's medical condition, and loss of sexual desire was an eye opener.

Since you , nor I are A Doctor who has ever medically examined the OP, it's not possible to medically, nor factually state, nor conclude that the OP is not capable of sex with with any other woman. Neither you, nor I, nor any of the other Posters know if there are are any other Medical Variables concerning the OP's ED.

Remember, the OP states that he has given his wife oral SEX, which is sex. He also states that he has been able to take care of himself sexually.. so at least part of his male plumbing is working. There could be MANY reasons in addition to those he has mentioned, as to why he has ED at this time. None of us know the full degree of that.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 13
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 9:15:26 AM
OP, It's important to know when someone or a situation involving someone is toxic to you. I one state, there is a law that is still on the books, called Aleniation Of Affection. A woman was on Dr. Phil's Show, and her lesson was a costly one. She had no defense for romantically interfering in the SEPARATED woman's Husband's life, and the woman stated that her legal fees alone, were $ 50,000. 00 !

A Suggestion to the wise... work on your Marital issues, and your health. If you need another woman, remember, there could be serious consequenses, on many levels. I'm not a Lawyer, and not giving Legal Advice to anyone. I am sure that I know of someone that has such an obviously insignificant life, that they will use my disclaimer and suggestions for their mental masterbation, in this thread.

And oh, how appropriate, OP, since you mentioned having to take care of your sexual frustrations, yourself
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 14
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 10:59:54 AM
" Before any any any of you decide to pillory me for assuming the OP is bad at oral -- I didn't say he IS bad at it. He might be. You're right that he might be an AMAZING, um, er, linguist. But for some reason she's not wanting that now? Me thinks there's more to this, as there always is."

I think the same about this as you do... there's more to the story that we don't know about. He MIGHT be the best Oral Surgeon that she's ever had lol.
For argument's sake, let's say that he has given her the best oral servicing in her life.... Who, man or woman, would want steak EVERY night, until it got old, really really old ? Wouldn't chicken, fish or some other variation be more likely to make this woman appreciate, and want STEAK more ? : )
 Palejewel
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 15
Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/13/2012 1:34:16 PM
Go for it.

Believe me, life will be more difficult for you.

But you seem to know best, go for it!
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 16
Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/17/2012 6:28:18 PM
Seek professional help. Communicate with your wife. Something doesnt' sound right and I wonder if she's moved on emotionally and physically.

You can't make someone do anything but if it were me, I'd wine and dine like some of the posters. Romance is more than an orgasm and just having sex. It's a lot more.

I'm sorry for your problem. Again, seek some counseling and see a doctor about your physical problem, and reconnect with your wife.

To ask a forum such a question is kind of naive I think. you need to be speaking with professionals. good luck.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 17
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/22/2012 10:09:59 AM
MOST women do not have an orgasm thru intercourse.


What ?? Sure there are other ways but to say most women do not/ or can not have the big "O" in that way is just inaccurate.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 18
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/22/2012 10:47:42 AM
" What ?? Sure there are other ways but to say most women do not/ or can not have the big "O" in that way is just inaccurate. "

Do your research. I have heard this from Multiple Relationship Therapists, including a Radio Doctor, and a quote from Dr. Phil.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 19
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/22/2012 1:22:25 PM
" Yes, when I read that (top) statement I felt it was so ridiculously broad and inaccurate that it discredited everything else the poster had to say."

When you read, when you felt, because you believed... ALL because of your OPINIONS. Look up some FACTS. Unless you are fearful that your OPINIONS won't hold water.

I quoted 2 sources for the FACT that I stated. How about you doing the same ?
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 20
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/22/2012 1:57:08 PM

Well , I say take your wife out for a special dinner, go all out..... the romance, but dont drink .... treat her to a spa day, dinner, flowers the whole nine yards and if she doesn't jump you after something is wrong, then I would sit down and talk to her.


I'd somewhat echo this. Plan a special day, treat her really well in whatever way she would most enjoy it, and then sit down with her and say, hon, I need to talk about this. Tell her you love her, that you're sorry your health problems have caused an interruption, and that also you yourself may not have been treating her as well as you ought. Tell her you want to get things back on track and that you want to do whatever you can to please her. Ask for her help in getting things back on track. Tell her you want to be faithful.

Meanwhile, make an appointment with your doctor, if you haven't already done this, and find out if meds will help. If that's a possibility, try it. If that doesn't work, start checking out about a strap-on or other devices. They are out there. Do some homework.

The other thing is to get fun, interesting, and creative in the bedroom. Most long-term relationships begin to suffer from familiarity and boredom. No doubt, your health problems have been a strain for both of you. Even under good circumstances, you have to put effort into keeping it interesting. I hate to tell you, but most men are pretty mediocre lovers and don't really know - or want to know - how to please women. You have no idea how many women are frustrated because their men just don't put the effort into pleasing them. They think a few minutes of foreplay and sticking it in are the be-all and end-all of sex. It doesn't work like that.

Find out what she wants and give it to her.

If she still doesn't respond, then start thinking about whether you really want to stay in a sexless marriage or not.



What ?? Sure there are other ways but to say most women do not/ or can not have the big "O" in that way is just inaccurate.


If you google it, you'll find that a number of credible sources say that 75% of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. It doesn't matter anyway. Sex is more than intercourse or an orgasm. Put the romance back into the relationship, find out what she enjoys and give it to her, be creative, really LOVE her body. Let her know you think she's beautiful. Foreplay starts outside the bedroom. In fact, there's a little in almost every interaction. Start working on that.

I agree that counseling may be in order, too.
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 21
Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/23/2012 5:56:21 PM
Have you gone to a good urologist lately to talk about the newest meds and devices that there are for ED? Also maybe your wife is bored w oral. I know I couldn't just be satisfied with it. I think you guys really need yo talk about itIf needed go to sex therapist also. How about internet shopping or best is store shopping for dildos and vibrators and other toys. Your wife probably needs penetration. Or have a clean vegetable try out u can put condoms on lolCukes, carrots,zucchini etc put some fun back.into it and make her cum lol.
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 22
Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/23/2012 6:08:58 PM
Have you gone to a good urologist lately to talk about the newest meds and devices that there are for ED? Also maybe your wife is bored w oral. I know I couldn't just be satisfied with it. I think you guys really need yo talk about itIf needed go to sex therapist also. How about internet shopping or best is store shopping for dildos and vibrators and other toys. Your wife probably needs penetration. Or have a clean vegetable try out u can put condoms on lolCukes, carrots,zucchini etc put some fun back.into it and make her cum lol.
 da-sa
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 23
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/23/2012 6:33:45 PM
Sorry to hear that,I know of a lots of people who are in the same sytuation,mostly men.
Do not go behind her back,my friend.Tell your wife into her face.Going behind her bach is cheeting.
Tell her without anger what you are going to do if she will keep refusing you.It is disrespectful from her end not to talk with you about your very important needs,not to answerd your questions,not being willing to find solution.It's hard for me to believe you're going without sex life for so long.....what are waiting for ? She won't change.In my mind the passion is gone from your marrige and love and desire as well.Wish you good luck.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 24
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Some good advice is needed please
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:10:39 AM
What really gets me amazed is how many people think that romance and sex begins and ends with a guy's erection. OP, go back to basics. Start with romance; flowers, dates, non sexual affection. Then learn all the different ways to have fun sexually WITHOUT using your**** I think you'll both be surprised at what you learn.
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