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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Dosen't want to move in with anybody      Home login  
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 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 126
Dosen't want to move in with anybodyPage 7 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Where we disagree is in that the "Full time" vs. the "part time" HAS to absolutely mean....co-habitation. I believe that it's entirely possible to two people to have physical and emotional intimacy....FULL TIME....even when they're NOT joined at the hip! To demonstrate.....think of all the couples who DO co-habitate....and still have NO physical or emotional intimacy!

Some people get really hung up on "making compromises"....to make something else "better"...work! I think that when TOO MANY compromises have to be made, then the "something better"....really isn't better afterall.

WHY should a man have to compromise what he's worked his whole life for....just to have an fulfilling relationship? For that matter...why should I (a woman) have to compromise what I've worked my whole life for....to have an intimate relationship with a man? Once we get past that Junior High School mentality....we come to realize that we don't HAVE to be with someone 24/7 to share the most intimate relationship of our lives. I would, in fact....prefer is no man ever had to make any "compromises" to have a relationship with me....other than his free time.



It doesn't have to mean that. Every person is different; every person has a different preference. 24/7 anything nowadays is tough; life is busy, people need to have some separate activities and interests and time apart as well as together time; but my preference is to have that WITH the knowledge I will fall asleep with the same person I wake up with; and share coffee on the deck with while watching the eagles. Just because that is my preference ultimately doesn't mean that is right for everyone. It just means that is right for me IF I can find it. And I've never heard of a relationship where there are no compromises; SOME compromising is the way of blending two people whether it is in a live in situation, apart situation or some blending in between. But it can't be all him towards her or vice versa... it has to be both wanting to meet in the middle.

Then whatever that middle happens to be? More power to those who do it. If a person doesn't full time livein, cool. That is their preference and I'm sure they have extremely meaningful relationships without that extra piece. (actually I don't know anyone who literally wants 24/7; that is pretty constraining). If I do stumble on someone I find important enough and special enough to want that nightly togetherness even knowing there will be space built in? I will make sure i do my part that both of us are winners... but in the meantime? I'm good exactly as I am; and it sounds like you are too. Anyone that comes into life is added as a special bonus and friend; and if that friend develops into someone that can be truly cherished into a special person. If that person fits, wants similar things AND both are evolved enough and compassionate about towards the other that we can meet halfway?

Then I don't think the blending is a bad thing at all. IF both people want it; and they can find a way to BOTH come out ahead. But if they prefer to blend while leaving each other's to sleep, then more power to them. Truly. Neither is right nor wrong.

Different strokes for different folks :)


(but I STILL want to visit your place once you're up and running as a community center lol)
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 127
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Dosen't want to move in with anybody
Posted: 5/3/2012 7:49:48 PM
^^^^ LOL! Still got your standing reservation for GrandmaBooBoo's Home for Wayward Seniors!

BUT, you're right again....of course there are always going to be SOME "compromises" in a relationship....whether there's co-habitation or not, that's just the nature of relationships. I said, ....TOO MANY (compromises) begin to make the relationship look like, more work than it's worth....LOL! to me at least. I like keeping my "accounts" very simple, and straight forward. No one does anything they don' want to do, there's NO "penalty" for saying "No"......AND...the major biggie....LOL! there's NO PENALTY for taking care of something on your own....or for inviting a "back-up" when your first choice was "unavailable".! I'm NOT talking about a "sexual back-up" perse, but....I've been in the very infuriating position of having a "partner" who would constantly have an "emergency" (his ex loved coming up with kid crises' whenever she knew "we'd" have something special planned), so rather than cancel or postpone plans.....I'd go ahead....but with one of my daughters or girlfriends. Stuff like....New Years Eve plans, baseball games, dinner theatre, or long weekend vacations.

Still, I (personally) wouldn't want....and certainly would not expect a man to make anything he deemed a "sacrifice" on my behalf. Then again....we really don't know what any given individual considers a "sacrifice". Many times we might think that someone else is "making a sacrifice" when in reality....it's something they're actually very happy to do. But, let's say.....I got involved with.....a farmer...who had to be there at his place 24/7. I wouldn't balk at still putting in EVERY effort to be a loving and thoughtful "partner"....yet NOT wanting to move in with him. THAT in itself IS a "compromise". I still believe that oft times people get more involved in the idea of having a "relationship" than they are in being concerned with the welfare of the person they claim to care for.
 ottgatman
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 128
Living Apart Together (LAT)
Posted: 5/14/2012 7:50:16 AM
I think what many here have described is a Living Apart Together (LAT) relationship.There are lots of people who prefer it. In some countries, the percentage is quite high among certain demographic groups. In many cases it's circumstances that dictate this type of relationship (parenting responsibilities, where a job is, 'cost' of moving, etc) and in others, it's just the type of relationship that people are looking for. If you know for sure that this is what you are looking for, it should be stated in your profile because it still isn't what most people IRL are looking for.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 129
Living Apart Together (LAT)
Posted: 5/14/2012 8:02:33 AM
There are plenty of comprimises any time you are sharing a space with a person whether that is as housemates or as partners in a LTR. Most of us stopped living with a group or friends or acquaintainces when we were young because there were just too many problems associated with housemates and most of us have become more set in our ways than we were in our 20's.

Many people shy away from renting out a room in thier house, thier basement or even a suite in thier house due to the problems involved unless they find it to be a financial necessity. The idea of sharing a house with a group of senior citizens will not be without problems with conflicting ideas on how life is to be lived in a shared environment.
 meteorman_orig
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 130
Dosen't want to move in with anybody
Posted: 5/16/2012 5:00:10 PM
From the comments I read here, looks like a lot of people are planning their exit before anything even gets started. Kind of like the flirt, "Hey baby! How would you like to be my next ex-girlfriend".
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 131
Dosen't want to move in with anybody
Posted: 5/16/2012 5:42:30 PM
I don't think it's so much about "planning their exit"-it's having the wisdom and foresight to reduce the amount of disentangling of finances, possessions, domiciles, if an exit bcomes necessary.

At 45+,things like one's financial future has to be considered carefully-because there won't be a big window of time to regroup and recoup if a relationship fails. Things like pension income have to be considered, and many 45+ couples have adult, or near-adult children...hopefully these will be GLAD that their parents found someone special, but there can be some complex dynamics when it comes to trying to blend families with adult children.
People over 45 who have not had a live-in SO for quite awhile may have become quite fond of their autonomy. There can be a certain degree of risk in taking up cohabitation with a 45+ adult who seems extremely anxious to do so. At 45+- in MY process of evaluation,anyway!-people ought to be self-possessed enough to be confortable living solo-even if it's not their top preference. One does not get the sense that they have hung all their hopes on cohabitation to solve their problems.

And, when it comes to couples over 45, there is often the matter of both parties being homeowners. Having been closehand witness( my mother and her 2nd husband,after my dad passed) to the financial,practical and emotional complexities that can arise from deciding who moves into whose house-particularly if the house moved out of is then sold-that is not a decision to be made lightly.
No, I'm sorry, I can't agree that people who choose a LAT are "planning their exit", I think they are doing what is right for them. Given all the "anti" LAT commentary heard in these forums, the decision to have a non-cohabiting relationship isn't always easy, either. People will suggest that all kinds of skulduggery is occuring behind one or the other partners' back, they will "attempt" to insult LATs by labeling them as FwBs, not "real relationships", they will claim that one or the other of the partners is STILL looking for "the bigger better deal", or that an exit is already being planned. For people who are truly secure enough to make a LAT work, or at least to UNDERSTAND a LAT, the labels and criticisms don't matter.
Cindy O
 ottgatman
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 132
Dosen't want to move in with anybody
Posted: 5/17/2012 7:24:25 AM
Well said Cindy O!
Without going through all of the previous posts, the only thing I would add is that it seems to me that the percentage of people here on POF who posted on this topic that are in favour of LATs is actually higher than what is found in the general population. There are good reasons for LATs and good reasons for cohabitation and there are also just personal preferences for each. As I mentioned earlier, if you know for sure that you are Only interested in a LAT, you should make that known early as it is still not the norm.
BTW, I remember a similar thread a couple of years ago, 'Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship' http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12668044.aspx which despite its title meant must the goal be living together.
 providence2006
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 133
Dosen't want to move in with anybody
Posted: 5/18/2012 9:40:59 AM
I think it would be hard moving into someone else's place. I'd always feel like I was invading their space. I doubt I'd want to live with anyone again after being alone for 12 years but if I did...I'd want to get a new place together so it wouldn't just be his or my place...it'd be ours.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 134
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Dosen't want to move in with anybody
Posted: 5/18/2012 10:39:36 AM
providence,

good perspective. Same here...a new place is more 'our place'. My girlfriend and I both have our own houses just a few minutes apart. I often cycle over. Also, when we go back to southern France and visit my childhood home it is going to 'my' place. I don't know if we'll ever actually live together but if we do, it will be a new 'our place' either here in Casnada or in France.

It's a bit the same with vacations. We've trravelled a few times to destinatiions neither of us have been to and it's more fun both sharing a new experience.
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