Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should these be red flags?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 26
Should these be red flags? Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Seems to be people think the poor girl doesnt deserve anyone. Jesus. Ok She has issues who the hell doesnt? She has alot most of which can be fixed it seems so. Everyone deserves someone. Maybe im not as jaded and negative as most. I know I wouldnt want someone to tell me that im not worth anyone


What a ridiculous comment; no one said that. People say that HE shouldn't be with her. They asked for peoples opinions.

She's irresponsible; has no goals or future right now and acts like an immature teen.

Has nothing to do with being jaded or negative. It has to do with being smart. No one said she wasn't worth anyone but until she grows up, nothing will change in her life.

Sorry but there are consequences to her choices. It's not her right to date anyone she wants. lol; your comments are funny.

P.S. does charles manson deserve someone? do people that cheat on their spouses deserve someone? If you have bad behavior, then people should expect people to shy away. I'm not going to be with someone that is irresponsible. This guy shouldnt' either or he will pay the price. It's called maturing and experience.
 amore01
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 27
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:03:05 AM
JMARK, you are spot on with your last statement...
 Chrisdan57
Joined: 1/31/2012
Msg: 28
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:13:27 AM

Seems to be people think the poor girl doesnt deserve anyone. Jesus. Ok She has issues who the hell doesnt? She has alot most of which can be fixed it seems so. Everyone deserves someone. Maybe im not as jaded and negative as most. I know I wouldnt want someone to tell me that im not worth anyone
This isnt about forgiveness or giving somebody a chance and it is not about telling someobody they are worhtless. The OP is looking for a long term relationship. She doesnt have a full-time job, her own place or a car. Her own family is getting ready to boot her out because she hasnt found a full-time job. She had a child but doesnt live with that child. She is constantly on her cell while on a date. Her facbook page is littered with random guys. This is not about being negative, it is about not ignoring traits that lead you to believe someone is not compatible.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 29
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:36:33 AM
She sounds very immature & doesn't seem to take her life or situation seriously. Too many red flags for most.
 heretomeet1948
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 30
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 9:05:52 AM
As many young Americans have found out a general liberal arts degree will ensure they're one of the most educated fry cooks in the fast food industry. I don't have anything against fry cook personnel, my point is that an "I showed up" degree isn't much of a help in the long run as far as specific goals and plans. (this is in reference to the goal oriented part of her)

It is very hard for a male to gain primary physical custody of children these days. Normally in order for that to happen;
1) A guy has to be rich and can out-money the female in court.
2) The dad has to live in a monastery type frame of mind, giving up anything in his life that could get him in trouble (like fun) and be willing to inch his way up the biased family court cliff for years.
3) The woman just signs away rights.
4) The father has video and audio of the baby mama turning tricks on the corner and shooting up as their kid holds the cash.

My best friend is going through counseling with his divorce. He told me (and it makes complete sense ) that a person looking for a relationship has to accept the person for who they are right then and there, not the person they have the potential to be (or believe they have the potential to be) at some ambiguous point in the future. So if you can live out your life with the person she is right here and now then go for it. I would think many people would want someone that's already put together, unless they're into rehabbing people and don't mind all the work that goes into that endeavor during the construction years.

IMO she's still a kid that's playing in the adult end of the pool and wouldn't take dates with her serious, unless like a previous poster stated you're intending to don your Superman cap and "save" her from herself. It would seem she's in the market to crash on someone else's couch soon too, and she's shopping for the best bennies. The allure of possible sex in exchange for a spiffy fixer upper project relationship can be strong and is laced with hormones, don't trust it:)
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 31
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 11:16:12 AM
I'd go ahead and get rid of her before she becomes a liability. Think of it this way. You are young and would you like to have to deal with her for 18 years if an accident happened and stuff went sour? Risk doesn't seem worth the reward to me.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 1:07:32 PM
I agree with everyone - too many red flags.

One thing that stuck with me - you like her because she always gets back to you with texts or plans and some women don't...
This girl has nothing else to do! Of course she is going to be on top of her phone! Sounds like it's glued to her hand. I'd let this one go.
 Tupelo_Stud
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 33
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 5:27:34 PM
Actually read your entire post. You seem like a really cool guy and I can tell you this

The girl sounds no good for you. Don't settle, she doesn't meet your standards. Posting pictures of other guys shes with at the beach? Sounds like you are getting played bro but glad you aren't the jealous type. You sound like too good of a person and an genuine guy to get hurt over this girl, and her exchanging numbers with another guy you brought a long to the car show? GTFO.

Don't get hung up on her for sure.

I would have sex with her and move on to the next.
 Mithgarth
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 6:00:38 PM
If you are aware of the instability and that she may possibly be promiscuous or just preffer maybe company. Then if you like her it's more about whether you can accept it for what it is. Ask her straight up. I think the only thing that should be expected of anyone is Honesty
 Aehs01
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 35
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/23/2012 2:26:29 PM
Well, I think you guys are generally right here. I tend not to discard someone for their faults but in the back of my mind.. I know I'm going to want to 'fix' her and help make her better (hence me talking to her about resume help). She blew me off last Wednesday then we had somewhat of a Facebook chat (not really what I wanted to do, I wanted to talk in person) about what she expects from us hanging out. She went on to admit she wants to hangout with other guys she has been chatting with on here and has 'no direction' with her life right now and may not even be able to work this new 2nd job she just got due to re-locating. Said she does not want to 'jump into anything'.

I figure this is more hassle than it's worth, I was trying to over look most of this because well.. I like her and I find it's hard to have a good connection with a lot of women I meet, especially women I've met on dating sites such as PoF.
 genuinegirly10
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 36
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/23/2012 4:44:35 PM
She is 22 you are 27? Huge change happens in those 5 years for alot of people. (They get their **** together usually) Sounds like you do have your life in order now, so why not try dating closer to your age or current mindset? She is clearly NOT relationship material right now, doesn't make her a horrible person just immature! For that reason alone I would be finding the nearest exit or maybe putting her into a chat once in awhile friend zone?

And for the guy who said he would sleep with her knowing she is messed up than run? Great...thats probably how she ended up pregnant so young and helped create the mess she is in. Guys using her...and she takes any attention she can get. Pof Player mentality surfaces again...Booooo lol
 Doodle_Bob
Joined: 2/18/2012
Msg: 37
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/23/2012 9:13:51 PM
Never go against your gut feeling.
You are usually right about your own situation.
 icallbs
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 38
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/23/2012 10:37:10 PM
Some good, well-reasoned advice here, OP, and I hope you'll really take it in. You have a super-man cape in your closet,I can tell, and you were trained in its use. Here's the key: when you find someone who is super compatible with you, who matches you in life stage and maturity and desire for whatever it is you want for a relationship with them... you'll be ready to commit if and only if you've been successful at weeding out the people who aren't a match.

Never, never, never, ignore red flags. You already know these issues are red flags for you, because you began to get that little nagging feeling at the pit of your stomach. Always listen and explore where that's coming from, what's inspiring it.

This girl may be fun to hang out with, and maybe there's potential in that spark you feel. But it's not enough. She has a lot of life to do, to be ready to be healthy with someone long term. Even if she is currently well-adjusted emotionally, her life priorities seem to be slightly (yikes, make that way) askew.

Then, when you find her, when you commit to her, and she's your full partner in life -- THAT's the time to pull out the super-hero cape and be an incredible husband, partner, friend, and life partner to her.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 39
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/24/2012 1:03:32 AM
I agree with Landra, if you were my son, nephew or whatever.
I would either ask you gently to please not see her again

or

Hit you over the head with a lump of 4 x 2.

Think very carefully and ensure you use a condom.

Look at hers and her family history, is that the type of family you would like to become a part of?
 starofgaia
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 40
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 5:29:05 AM
People with bad cars and bad family backgrounds doesn't automatically exclude them from the right to have a stable and loving relationship.

The exchange of phone numbers between her and his friend IS. She is also 22 and perhaps too young to settle with one person. She may be a fabulous and mature mother, but isn't mature enough to handle a relationship.
 starofgaia
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 41
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 5:34:54 AM

Seems to be people think the poor girl doesnt deserve anyone. Jesus. Ok She has issues who the hell doesnt? She has alot most of which can be fixed it seems so. Everyone deserves someone. Maybe im not as jaded and negative as most. I know I wouldnt want someone to tell me that im not worth anyone


This is not directed toward the O.P.:

If the woman was tossed away by her family, she is considered a "throw away" and society doesn't give a crap about these women. They further her torment by telling her she is worthless and that her existence on the planet is for the sole purpose of serving ***holes in bed. We are quick to blame her when anything negative happens to her, because somehow "she's brought it on."

What an insidious state of affairs in which our society is when we can't convince young women that they are worth more than the labels. Having hardship can actually give a person a well-rounded view on life if they have also experienced the good it has to offer.
 MisplacedFlowerchild
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 42
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 6:01:36 AM
Run with your life intact my friend.....

Red Flag #1-She does not live with her child, the mother of the Ex is the guardian. From what I’ve heard it is very difficult to have the child taken from the mother like what has happened in her scenario. My best guess is money and living situation.

your're right, it is difficult to take a child from their mother.....I highly doubt it to be money and living situation, probably more akin to neglect and her 'just not wanting the hassle', so the paper's she did sign, not to mention that she would rather discuss 'horrible ex'es' that ways at which she is attempting to regain custody of her child.

Red Flag #2- getting kicked out......or simply just hoping you will see it in the goodness of your heart to allow her to move in with you

Red Flag #3-She constantly will be on her phone texting or on FB (no way to tell) when I’m with her, could be guys or who knows.

Rude and extremely disrespectful....and in my opinion attempting to 'keep her options open'. This goes for the 'hanging out with guys, and posting of pictures as well.

The title of 'player' does not simply belong to the mail population, this girl is not who she portrays herself to be.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 43
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 9:27:27 AM
Regardless of posters who disagree with the general consensus, I'm still going with the general consensus.

This girl is one hot mess. Irresponsible, dishonest, lazy, unambitious, and completely immature. How anyone can be stupid enough to have a kid with someone who beats her is beyond me. Then she hands it over to the abuser's mother.

Jerry Springer, much?

OP, you're a sensible, responsible, mature young adult. You may have felt a "connection" with this girl, but she'd do NOTHING but drag you down.

Please aim higher next time.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 44
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 10:12:57 AM

-She seems to have ambition to do more with her life
-Attractive
-Has a clear idea of what she would like to do for work (I have been out with several women who had no drive or ambition, no clue)

Talking sh!t about one's "plans" for the future is not the same as "ambitious."
Take the "attractive" part out of your list and see how the pluses outweigh the minuses then.

Is she going to school while working "part-time?"
Why doesn't she have TWO part time jobs?
Why is she hanging out at the beach instead of spending time with son?
Unlikely the child lives with granny for any reason other than being unfit. If she had custody, she would be eligible to have help with housing, etc. for her and her kid.
Blaming her "living situation" for her lack of custody is fallacious. She was most likely deemed "unfit."
Does she have a high school diploma? Does she have a drivers license (maybe she had DUIs)?

Do you really want to waste your time with someone who is full of krap about her future plans?
If she cared about her kid, she would be busting her ass tobetter herself and get him back.
This doesn't add up at all.
Don't be a sucker, OP.
 DebbyJC
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 1:49:59 PM
You should run and run fast. This is not the life you want.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 46
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/28/2012 5:40:24 PM
Too many red flags!!
If she isn't raising her own child, she is irresponsible & may have drug/alcohol issues, or the courts may have taken the child for abuse/neglect issues.You haven't been told the truth about why she really isn't raising her own child. She is lying through ommission.
She's getting kicked out of her current place. Why hasn't she found a full time job? What is she doing all day if she's not working & not raising her baby?
Did she graduate high school? She has no car, does she even have a drivers license? If not, why not? This girl is using you, hoping & hinting for you to buy her things. She's dishonest, irresponsible,very manipulating & promiscuous. She's not trustworthy, & is lying to you. She's hanging out with a carni in between dates, nice.
You were called a clown, & all she says is we're friends? She didn't want to defend you, or admit you are dating.
This girl isn't worthy of you. Too many red flags!!
You're a young, handsome young man with an education. Date a nice girl on your level, who has something going for herself. If you stay with this one, use a condom everytime. If you don't, be prepared to raise a baby on your own, if you get her pregnant. Of course, be ready to pay $1,000 for the DNA test if she names you as the father. Are you ready for that now?
 CarolusMagnus
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/29/2012 12:28:36 AM
One thing I know is texting is a sign that she is being bored/disappointed in your meeting; she is expecting something more you're not giving her. Do you play pocket video games while you're watching the Superbowl or at a ...club?
Let me give you a translation of "friend" if the "friend" is a male: he is a "friend" with benefits or doesn't know how to tell her he WANTS to be a fwb. She may not know why he's tagging along her social circle, so she rationalizes...he must want to be my "friend".
It's fine if a lady doesn't have a car, just make sure YOU do.
Lots of girls don't hang out with other guys because they don't trust other girls (in the words of many of my gfs) a girl will stab her "friend" in the back before Jack the Ripper does; it may be also that other girls don't want to be round her. But when possible, you should encourage it for it may come in handy for you.
She's talking about her bfs? A sure sign you've taken toooo looong to move in. What she would like to do with YOU should be the main subject.
If you care so much, you could work through plans with her as what she could do w/ her life, & see if she takes steps in that direction; either way, move in or move away, 'cause she's losing interest fast, though she had lots of hopes for you in the beginning--or she wouldn't have made out with you.
Stay with her if you like...to see PROGRESS...do your thing, but don't invite her to the ranch yet. Women need direction, so help lead her, don't be a captain save...but do be a resource of enlightenment as the MAN to her. Pleease make sure YOU're doing something worth both your interests and investment...she may want to jump on your boat as your assistant.
If she HAS A JOB that's beautiful..if she isn't complaining about it that's beautiful..you young fellas need to know that there was a time in America when it was great TO HAVE A JOB (period). THIS meant responsibility of some kind & you would build on that. 99.999% of people took years to be established, & often the right mate was the fuel that made the rocket shoot so far, a far cry from today's "independence" propaganda to keep men/women divided. Capitalize on that with her...get her to become proud of just working & not being idle. This isn't captain save a ho, it's being an inspiring MAN. Give her riches for her soul & body, not her pocket book.
Either way, make sure you're doing this with different flavors/ages of women at the same time, like playing basketball with different guys of various musculature, heights & experience--to gain wisdom & be more seasoned, so you'll be the one giving the advice. Women are aching for a WISE man.
 infinestforum
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 48
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/29/2012 1:41:44 AM
Msg 4
Whoa where did it say her situ was unstable?
"From what you posted looks to me like due to her instability, the custody of her kid went to someone else .... not a very promising sign IMO .."
Who said she was unstable?I can say when I was divorced I gave total custody to my ex because we were in different countries etc.. lot of reasons.. but I still came every other weekends a 7 hr drive and visited them.. Talked every day on the phone and made it for all the special events. Had nothing to do with paperwork! Dont make assumptions!
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/29/2012 5:51:52 AM
I won't repeat what others have already said better.
It's no good. Someone who is serious about their child would make an effort to at least visit often regardless of where the little tyke lives. But it seems getting it on with guys and parties is more important. THAT's your clue.

Before you go, if you really want closure with a bang, then by all means, give her what she wants and tap that derriere. But don't get emotionally involved.
 angeliklush
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 50
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/29/2012 6:28:06 AM
Seems like you really like this girl for you to take the time and lay all of this out.

First, about her family/living situation. You don't know and you can't say.................
Second, go with your gut feeling.
Third, if you are unsure step away and breathe.
Maybe try to date other girls, you need to step away before you get hurt or deeper in this.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should these be red flags?