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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
Girlfrend acting distantPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
You went from friends to intimate relationship material. What that means is that you went from "let's hang out...no expectations" to "expectations, feelings, possibility of rejection..." So on and so forth.

So as some other people have said. It could be a million things. So to start with, talk to her. Find out about how close or distant are her family. Is she a social person or shy? Has she been in relationships before or not? Has she been intimate with anyone?

She may just be scared of what a relationship entails and where it may go. She may not have good role models of what this should be like.

So my advice is that now that you are supposed to be dating, get rid of that label and start communicating without expectations, as you did when you were friends. But whatever you do. Don't do it through texting. Talk in person, talk on the phone, but have real interactions.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/18/2012 11:47:29 AM
Sit down with her, take her hands in yours and ask her what's stressing her out. Tell her nothing has changed, she's still your best friend and that you want her to be able to tell you what's going on. Then be prepared for what she might say, because maybe she feels she's made a mistake dating you or maybe it has nothing to do with you at all, but just listen and don't try to fix it, just listen. For whatever reason, she now feels she can't open up to you, let her know she can and let her feel safe doing so.
 cookalicious
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 8
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/18/2012 12:52:57 PM
I think you're analyzing her and the situation way too much. Maybe things are the other way - maybe you're reacting to what you THINK is going on and she's reacting to what you're putting out. Just talk with her. Stop guessing and driving yourself crazy over what may be nothing.
Pick a good, quiet, non-stressful time. Approach her in a non-confrontational way - that means do not say 'YOU are acting...', 'YOU seem to be', etc. Using the word "you" will make her feel defensive. Instead say something like " I may have it all wrong, but it seems like______. Am I right? Can we talk about it", or start off "it seems to me", or "I feel like...How do you see things?"
I agree that it helps to take her hands gently in yours, smile (will help put her at ease). Try to not come across as so anxious. The longer you go on just wondering if there's something,the worse it's going to get blown up in your mind.
Remember, we can sometimes be our own worst enemy and, also, be careful of self-fulfilling prophecies. By that I mean if you think and act like there's a problem when there may not be, guess what? eventually there will be and you will have probably made one.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/18/2012 1:08:18 PM

I plan on talking to her upfront. I also forgot to mention that her mom has been through a divorce, several bad breakups, and her father left her when she was really young. I think this may have part to do with her problems. Any advice on what to say to her? How to make her feel comfortable?


Although this is good information to have, most of the time when you bring this back to the person you are having a relationship with it will explode on your face because they will feel that you are trying to psycho analyze them.

You guys are young. But have you gotten intimate YET? If the answer is No, well, you are back to the friend zone. If you have gotten intimate, then the answers is elsewhere, more related with issues about getting close to someone because of the above issues. But remember, with that said, don't tell her. These are the type of things that if a therapist or a third person that understands told her, she can understand. Or that she arrived at those conclusions on her own.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 19
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/18/2012 4:13:28 PM
If her friends and mom are telling you that she is interested, THEY probably would like her to like you as a boyfriend.
The other thing is ,she MUST know that you have concerns because her friends and mom would tell her you are concerned. She has not tried to explain why she is distant in spite of her knowing you are concerned.
She probably wants to be left alone for a bit so she can figure things out for herself.
What she is probably trying to figure out is how to keep you as a friend and not as a boyfriend.
She fell for what she thought she wanted, she found out you are not what she wants even though she might think it would be a SMART move to like you as a boyfriend. Smart move doesn't cut it though.
She is not attracted to you in that bf/gf way.
Prepare yourself for a break up.
It's no ones fault.
She cannot help who she is attracted to anymore than you can.
Because you are attracted to her, doesn't mean it goes both ways.
You cannot talk her into being attracted to you (again?) because that doesn't work.
Sad, but true.

JMO
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 28
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/18/2012 9:18:09 PM
My advice would be to almost completely ignore anything that comes out of her mouth, and instead pay close attention to her actions. She isn't verbally telling you the truth. All she's doing is confusing you. Her actions will not confuse. If she at all wants to be with you, she will do her part in arranging that. I would just treat her no different that one of your guy friends. Don't hang yourself up over her, confront her, have sit downs with her, etc. Very unattractive behavior. Ask her to go out with you a few times per week or so, if she declines, fine. Her loss, go spend your free time with someone else. Put the ball in her court 50% of the time. If you call her, let her know at the end of the call, that the next one is hers to make. And DO NOT call her until she passes the ball back to you. This forces her to prove through her actions what she's really thinking and if she wants to interact with you.

If you want to keep her around you have to be/act attractive. Keep that in mind at all times. It's as simple as that. No need to analyze every little detail. And if it's not your natural inclination to act attractive, then fake it until you make it. Or, she'll be gone soon. Your call.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 29
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/18/2012 11:58:05 PM
OP, you keep friend-zoning yourself. If you want to be her boyfriend, start acting like a boyfriend.

This whole mindset of "there for her in her time of need", "want to remain close friends" and "care greatly for her" etc is nice, but it doesn’t qualify you as a boyfriend. Like it or not, if you want to be BF/GF, you've got to have a strong element of sexual tension infused into the relationship. Otherwise, you are just one of her many girl-friends, or a gay male friend.

Imo, the reason she's acting distant and holding back is exactly because you haven't demonstrated yourself as the man in the relationship. How would she know that you're not like all the guys in her past who bailed on her? Talks' cheap. If you want to be her boyfriend, then act like a man and lead the relationship. Show her through action that you're not going to abandon her if things get tough, that you have goals and ambitions but you want her to ride with you along the way. Most of all, show that you desire her sexually and, as corny as it may sound, "only have eyes for her".

Good luck.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 33
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/19/2012 4:54:04 PM
Again, you better start working on your James Bond or she'll be gone soon. I'm tellin ya. You're no mystery to her, nor have you had any real sexual contact with her. So you have no romantic ties to her. You better start showing her you are someone she can go out and have a great time with, relax, and let her hair down when you're around, who is good looking too, along with a touch of mystery and uncertainty about you that she can't quite figure out.

Josh, my take on all this is that you've changed since you starting dating her. I suspect you used to be fun, funny, witty, somewhat****, but since you've found out she felt attracted to you and starting you, you're no longer those things anywhere near the levels you once were. Better get it back, or she's vanishing like David Copperfield soon. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's my gut feeling.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 35
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/19/2012 7:53:04 PM
Josh, I've read the posts and I still believe she isn't interested in you as a bf anymore. The mature behavior you are showing is all fine and dandy, if the gal you were being patient with was my age. She's not!
Young girls ( I still remember) are into their boyfriends...too much! They want to show them off! Can't get enough of them! Talk about them ALL the time! Can't wait to chat on the phone (OK I guess it's texting now), they love it when they they hear their bf can't get enough of them! They show off their boyfriend's gifts and sweet ways!
Even if they have stress and school and work and "supposedly" more important things to do.
Even if they are mature it most ways.
Love makes them act...like you are acting here.

My daughter is at that stage right now and I have to listen to it. LOL .
BTW, there is no way her friends and family haven't asked her about you. No matter what they claim.

When a young girl doesn't go all nutty over her fellow ...it's usually because she isn't all that into him anymore.
I hope I'm wrong, take care.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 37
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/19/2012 8:23:10 PM
The girl you are referring to who would talk about it, was your friend.
The girl you are talking about now is your girlfriend. Is she talking?
Do not expect the same behavior from a girlfriend that you would from a friend.

Have you asked her where you stand yet?
 N3teffect
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 40
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/19/2012 10:17:17 PM
Life is a paradox.

Sometimes, people grow up in their home towns and want nothing more than to get out, they move away and become homesick. They yearn to return home and often do, but seldom do they stay.

Young people want to grow up, but not old.

"The more things change the more they remain the same." -Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

People desire one thing but are attracted to another.

On a lighter note and one of my personal favorites, BTW totally? unrelated? "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." - Yogi Berra.

Head west young man, but look back on occasion and take notes, lest you walk in circles.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 41
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/19/2012 10:34:26 PM
Josh, you keep saying you know she's attracted to you. Her actions are telling a different story. If she was genuinely romantically interested in you, she'd be doing AT LEAST her half in making and keeping in contact with you. There is a night and day difference between being romantically interested in someone, and just liking them and thinking you are the best guy she knows. Girls usually tell a guy he's really a great guy when they break up with them. Leaving him scratching his head. I seriously think you're a bit delusional here, and that you're losing your self control. It is more likely that she is done with dating you, than the other. You shouldn't even be talking relationship when you WERE only dating her for a couple weeks.

I guess it doesn't really matter what we think. You're gonna be forced to deal with her decisions anyway. Whatever it is she decides to do.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 42
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/19/2012 10:37:58 PM

Yea, go to her house, pick her up, take her out to dinner, treat her special, make her think you REALLY want to have a relationship with her.
quit texting.


That's actually a good idea. Plan a date with her. See if she'll follow through, or if she'll even plan a date with you without backing out and making excuses. That will speak volumes about how she really feels about you.



Josh: "But she's different than most girls her age."

That famous line above is sure sign numero uno of a man in denial.

Josh, no, she isn't. A little more life experience will teach you that.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 45
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/25/2012 2:20:15 PM
I'm glad her distance was for a good reason, for you both. Sorry if I fed your insecurities, my younger days and daughter's way invaded my posts. I'm glad they weren't relevant. Keep on growin' , learnin' and lovin' and have a great day!
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 47
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/25/2012 4:49:19 PM
Good to hear. Hopefully, I was completely wrong. Consider yourself lucky and your case rare. Because I've heard and seen your relationship situation thousands of times before and 99% of them ended in heartbreak.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 49
Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/26/2012 1:50:07 AM
I never wonder what a woman thinks. I never try to read their minds or assume what they are feeling and thinking. And I don't ask friends or strangers what they think she's feeling and thinking about.

I always ask the woman herself :)
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 56
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Girlfrend acting distant
Posted: 4/27/2012 1:27:48 AM

We havent had sex yet.

Well OP, if you haven't even had sex yet, then she is not your "girlfriend", you two are not "a couple", you aren't even "dating" and you certainly don't have "a relationship" going. At most, she is a friend who has possibilities. Nothing wrong with that, but it's also no surprise that others don't see things as rosy as you do.


"IF" youre supposedly in a relationship with someone they make time for you and make you thier number one priority. Doesnt matter if they are in school, working, etc etc etc. The little time that you do have together she wouldnt be able to keep her hands off of you. Youve been friend zoned and she hasnt and doesnt need to tell you yet because youre 2 hours away. She's afraid of breaking your heart, and believe it or not, she's moved on long ago. She may be a 21 year old college student, but I think its comical that you keep saying that she's different from all the other girls. NO she's not Josh. She hasnt done anything on a physical intimacy level to show that you are anything more than just friends.

I agree with this for the most part. Without showing the desire for sexual intimacy, I'd be hard-pressed to believe that romance is in the cards. If she was interested in you, she sure hires it well.


...We have known each other and been best friends for years...
...She always broke it off with other guys when things didn't work out, so wh would she continue to stay with me then if things are not working out?...


Well it is her first time dating someone who was a close friend before she dated and it is my first time dating a friend too.

Is it possible that the problem is precisely because you two are friends and have known each other for a long time? She might have wanted it to work as much as you do, but she just can't find that feeling to back it up, so she distant herself and use the excuse of having too much stress now, hoping that you would get the hint? Only time will tell, I guess.

One last thing. You keep repeating that you don't want to rush it, that you want to make sure that there is trust, care, maturity etc if a relationship develops. What that comes across to me is someone who is afraid to make a call and take a position. If this is how you come across to this girl too, then you're in trouble. While rushing it is not good, the downside of playing it safe and waiting for everything to fall into place is that that perfect time may never come. Sometimes, you have to take life by the horn and roll with it. If you end up failing, at least you know you've taken the shot and learn from that.

Good luck.
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