|Longest Relationship.Page 3 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)|
|I just take this as information with which to have chats with. Leads to conversation.|
I dont know how anyone can judge someones character with this information...but it is a good conversation starter.
About the only good it ever did me was when chatting, if the man slipped up and mentioned an ex wife of 11 years and I see on his profile he said his longest was 5 years...it can weed out the compulsive liars, but thats all it is good for in my opinion.
Someone could have had a very long relationship, but if they were beating thier partner everyday I wouldnt consider them a real prize....and by the same token, some people have just not met someone they want to settle down with, doesnt make them some type of commitment phobe. Too many armchair shrinks in pof. lol
Posted: 4/24/2012 2:50:45 PM
|Jac the Gripper...your analysis is insightful. |
Much of the profile 'filler' on dating sites is based on the experience of a few individuals and not some in depth pyschological study over decades. ... "Hey, sis, what do you think of this question...Zodiac sign? Ya, sure, whatever. If the profiles were determined by 20 year old males there would a line for be 'boob size' and if by 50 year old females...'do you wear dentures?'
Posted: 4/24/2012 4:30:32 PM
|If a woman lived in a culture where she was expected to walk behind men, to tolerate polgamy, or if it was her job to walk in front of the cow lest it trigger a mine and die. I wouldn't think poorly of her not having had a lasting long term relaionship. I have a feeling though, if I talked to others in those cultures, many of them would claim a woman unwilling to settle for these things is somehow defective.|
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:44:53 PM
|While I don't pay all that much attention to it, I do pause a minute if someone my age hasn't had at least one truly long-term relationship.|
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:02:53 PM
|IMO length of longest relationship isn't a good indicator of anything taken by itself. If someone older had many dating relationships all shorter than 1-2 years, that I would consider as negative. |
But I know 2 people that never had a long term relationship find someone at 45 and get married, now going on 6 years. And someone that has gotten out of a long term greater than 10 years relationship can be bitter about wasting so many years, or finding out they weren't really loved.
On the other hand, maybe their SO died.
So I wouldn't pay that much attention to that field. Find out more about the person, and the length will have more meaning.
Posted: 4/26/2012 7:45:40 AM
|^^ I like that Jac, as I do with many of your posts.|
The longest relationship I've ever had was five years. It was a singular experience because *most* of my relationships didn't get past 2- 2.5 years - that seems to be about the point where *we* get over the hump into long term or decide this isn't something for the long haul. I likely took too long to determine that and it did gradually dawn on me that I was likely a bit commitment phobic, truth be told.
Now my sweetie was married for 15 years, and when we met I told him I likely wasn't a good bet. (this was before POF put this info on our profiles). We joked about how he only had 2.5 years... counted down the months hahaaa. I think he was a little worried about it **grins**
We've just reached 5 years from the date he first contacted me here; I guess even commitment phobes surprise themselves when they meet the right person.
Posted: 1/1/2013 6:46:11 AM
|Ironically, since I've read over this post...I recall a woman in my area.... profile of a woman in her MID 50's....longest relationship she's ever had.....over only a year. Resides in a rather prominently established and sizable retirement community|
Has "single" as her relationship status (not divorced) so we can deduce she's never been married.
"Doesn't want children" and she has no children either. Not even pets. So not even "cat lady" potential.
And.....have to say, pretty darned attractive for a woman of her maturity....nice, tan complexion, dark hair.
Calls herself an "independent woman".
Would this raise flags?
Posted: 1/1/2013 2:37:04 PM
|I would not refuse to meet/date someone because of this specific question. I might wonder why they had not had any long-term relationship(s). I do not know a lot of people in my age group like that and the only people I do know like that are rather odd, to say the least-but again, it's a small sample. So I'd be conscious of my bias and trust in time to help me understand if a specific individual is/is not a match for me, rather than relying on one, ambiguous "indicator."|
Posted: 1/1/2013 4:43:55 PM
|Yah sure do take a look at history because history is who the person is.. you also listen really really carefully to the history when it gets talked about.. actions of ones life up until and including the present tell you exactly who they are.. you can figure out really quick if the person is telling the truth as to whether they are worth another date.. it should be the deciding factor after you figure out if on a visual level they appeal to you .. then pay really really close attention to who they are.. scrutinizing a profile is a great way to find out who someone is ..and most people in my neck of the bush are not relationship material .. just by their profiles.. |
I could care less about spelling.. but does it ever chap my arse when there is absolutely no personality in their material and they have the most dysfunctional obscure photos..
I'm very good at doin the math and via theory alone I'd say that the percentages of suitable and relationship equipped humans is very low.. less than 10 percent.. which is easy to understand as the success rates of monogamous great couples is less than 33 percent.. so the actually odds in this crap shoot are pretty slim if you are looking for a solid decent person to love.. scary but true..
PS.. paid date sites .. unpaid date sites .. there is no difference other than on one you pay money.. money is not conducive to good personal character.. money is just money.. now full transparency on any of these sites would be a real bonus.. we'd all find the true relationship material men really quick..
Col Williams the illustrious serial killer in the area I live contacted me one day thru pof.. and he was also apparently on several paid sites lurking.. sorry to say but predators would have no preference either way..
Posted: 1/1/2013 11:06:09 PM
|1) I take the length of previous relationships, the amount of previous relationships and the amount of time between relationships into consideration.|
2) I am wary of people that don't take breaks between relationships. I worry that they can't be alone and are needy on unhappy with themselves. I also don't want to be with someone that has commitment issues or that is not over their last relationship. Every situation and person is different so I'd say it is and isn't realistic. You have to look at someone as a whole.
3) It plays a role. How big of a role is yet to be determined.
4) It's a non-issue. When I'm serious about finding someone again, all it takes is one person. Eventually, one person and I will find enough common interest, common values, attraction, chemistry etc. with each other; despite any idiosyncrasies or flaws to warrant pursuing a relationship and falling in love. They're out there, somewhere and I'm sure of it. As for the when and who? Now that's the mystery. Life is happening right now and I'm not too worried about it.
Posted: 1/2/2013 6:37:29 PM
|Personally I don't even look at that portion for several reasons. One, it doesn't really matter. Two, at age 35, I fall in the category of never had a relationship. Its not for a lack of trying. For what ever reason, I get stuck in the acquaintance category, or written off before someone even gets to know me. The people who have gotten to know me well will all tell you that they don't have a clue as to why I'm undateable. This leaves me in a bit of a quandary, do I leave the box checked as less than 1 year? Its technically not a lie. Do I come out and say never had a relationship of any sort? That would be the most truthful, and what I would put if I didn't already have an unknown reason that I'm undateable (and know this would likely be a total deal breaker before anything even had the chance to happen.) This leaves me with a choice, do I lie and likely get caught in it or do I take a very liberal meaning to "less than one year"? Heck, if I just left it blank, it would look like I have something to hide (I don't).|
Since another poster mentioned how long a person has known their friends. A few I've known since elementary school, most I've known since my first year in college. All of them know I'll bend over backward for them if they need something. If this has anything to do with keeping a long term relationship, I'd say yeah I can likely carry my share of a relationship. The trouble is, I can't seem to find anyone who even wants to get to know me well enough to find out.
Really, what is worse, someone who has never been in a relationship and therefore not influenced/messed up by a bad (or string of bad) relationship(s), or someone who has become jaded and bitter due to being hurt in the past? Personally, I'd give the person who hasn't had a relationship a shot simply because they might not really be messed up for whatever reason. Oddly enough, most of my female friends (who are all married) say they'd rather be with someone who doesn't have the baggage of previous relationships rather than someone with a history (and the possible drama that goes with it.) They also tell me I shouldn't publicly admit that I've never been in a relationship because its a turn off for most people. (You gotta love societal norms. Those people with baggage are more attractive than someone who is a true clean slate.)
Who am I to judge whether someone else is a good/bad person just because of the box that is checked. They could very well be in the same boat I'm in. It might be worth knowing later down the road , but on a profile, I think it just hurts peoples chances and doesn't need to be out in public view.
Posted: 1/6/2013 3:50:04 AM
|My longest relations is just 4 years.. actually while we together I always thought he is my real love and my life partner forever... until.. that day we finished... lol.. something is not as I thought lol.|
Posted: 1/6/2013 5:55:43 AM
If I were younger probably not but at my age I tend to govern my choices with a sense of caution. When I see a man who has stated his longest relationship is less than 5 years and he is 40 or older then I do tend to believe he may not have the mental scope to see the future with all its possibilities, both good and bad.
I completely agree with the above. I do not expect this information to tell me if he is a good man, an honest man, has a good sense of humor, not prone to physical violence or anything else. But, it does tell me if he has the capacity to stay in a relationship or at least, once he did. Not running at the first thing that doesn't work out perfect is a big deal to me.
From reading the rest of the thread, a lot of people do not see it that way. And, they are certainly allowed to see it however they choose. But, it does mean something to me.
Posted: 1/6/2013 12:50:57 PM
You can admit to women that you haven't been in a relationship. All you have to do is give it a positive spin. Say that you were busy concentrating on your career and enjoying life so relationships haven't really entered the equation yet. At least it'll stop some women thinking you have no game and are clueless about women - stop people jumping to conclusions that you are a loser with no clue about the opposite sex.
What puts me off guys with no relationship experience is that I worry that they don't know how to relate to women, what women require (generally) in a relationship and how to make them tick. This is important. I have dated guys who don't have a clue. But I would always evaluate guys to figure out how many female friends they have, whether they have sisters, try to ascertain how well they get on with their mother - before making a decision regardless of what I already know. It will tell you a lot about what they expect from women and how much they respect them.
Well, truth be told, I have no "game" and yes I am a bit clueless about women. I have a very hard time relating to people, women especially. I have a few female friends, but only one really close one. She is married, I was the best man at their wedding. I've asked most of my female friends why they wouldn't date me (assuming they were single) and not a one of them has come up with a real answer. There have been a lot of "I don't know"s, a few "You are like an older brother" There was one who I fell head over heals for. She even sought me out to go bike riding with since her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine) wouldn't ride with her. Eventually they broke up and we spent a lot of time together, but she was also playing hard to get. Her roommate (who I'd been friends with for years before I met her) even thought we were an item, until she brought some pot smoking looser home and slept with him. Obviously this did nothing for our friendship, still, we have remained distant friends. I asked her why she blew me off for this other guy about 6 months later and her answer was "You are a great guy, but I won't settle" Apparently I was less worthy of her affection than a stoner who was always high not to mention being unemployed. All my friends who met the guy were puzzled as well. She was the closest thing to a girlfriend I've ever had. If anyone could tell me what it was that was such a huge turn off, I figured it would be her, but no. I got a weak answer, and she did settle for a lesser guy. I've since asked her the same question and gotten the same answer. This might have been a case of bad timing, I don't know. I'm not sure if I blew it or if it was her issues that caused the failure. (She has since had several kids, and been engaged for 5 or so years but never married the guy. This leads me to thinking that she has commitment issues.)
As for how I get along with my family/mother, well, I don't. She has been less than supportive of any my choices in life. I was very clearly the less favored child in the family. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, or how I do it, I just can't seem to gain any support from her. Because of this, I am not at all close to my family. They clearly don't support me so I want nothing to do with them. She's even critical of me over not being able to have a relationship. It doesn't make me a bad person, I just don't want to be a part of a family that is nothing but critical of me. Its her loss, not mine. I will say that its made me a very independent and self supporting person. The few female friends I have will all say that I'm the most emotionally strong person they have ever met. Perhaps to the point that I sometimes come across as being emotionally numb. (Yet another strike against me.)
My guess is that I have so many strikes/red flags against me I can't hide/cover them up well enough to have anyone give me any sort of a real chance. Sure its a pessimistic view, but it also might be reality. I hope not, but the fact that in 23 years of looking there have been no takers says otherwise. It takes a lot more than one hour of talking over coffee to get to know me. Perhaps in today's society where all people want is instant gratification, I just don't have a chance. I'm more than happy to change, I just don't know what needs to change. Its hard to fix something if you can't figure out whats wrong with it.
Am I looking for pitty? No, not at all. I'd just really like to figure out why I seem to be ineligible for a relationship. Who knows, perhaps I'll have an epiphany and figure it out.
Posted: 1/6/2013 4:51:00 PM
|It does matter to me, but probably because of my age. If a man has reached 50 and the longest relastionship he's ever had was 2 years, that is a red flag to me. Maybe it's unfair since I don't know specifics, but that's the way it is. As for me being evaluated the same way, it's not a problem. Men are evaluating me by my looks, my age, my interest, etc. Length of relationships is just one more item. It will matter to some and it won't to others. I wish they had a box for how many times a person has been married and/or divorced. Talk about a red flag!|
Posted: 1/12/2013 2:51:49 AM
|There's something about people that have the stack of 3x5 cards that are laminated,alphabetized|
and are assigned a particular colored shade denoting the more severe red flag violations that a perspective
suitor might have been gulity of somewhere in thier lives.It takes all kinds.
That's why I've always carried my pocket sin organizer.It also accepts relationship info.
It really is handy when making purgatory computations !I sure hope I get to meet another person like this!
Posted: 1/12/2013 4:43:24 AM
|I don't mind being evaluated on it, as I've got nothing to hide, and all my relationships have been serious (one ending up in divorce). |
I typically won't look at it, but I see red flags if you're pushing my age or older, and have less than a year long relationship under your belt. It blatantly tells me, you've done nothing but wind up in flings, or one night stands, or worse--have horrific social skills, which make any men want to run from you--or better yet, are unrealistically picky, with a short attention span for men.
Couple this, with an insanely low self-esteem, which tends to be for the majority. Sad part, is I've yet to be wrong on the above assumptions. I've spoken to quite a few women my age who fit the above criteria, and it was always the above scenarios.
I see an attractive woman who's over 30 with less than a year long relationship, I'll skip the profile. Something is obviously up for an attractive woman to be single so long, or not be able to keep a guy happy or be happy with one longer than a year.
Unless it's that extreme, I'm otherwise not sweating it.
Posted: 1/12/2013 4:53:16 AM
|Personally, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted over 1 year.|
I didn't start dating until I was 35 - before then I was working on my career which kept me at work 12 hr days plus with one day off a week if I was lucky. In addition to that, I traveled with my job every six months. I didn't think it was fair to a man to try to date, and quite frankly during those years I was way too busy.
Not dating until I had my career was a choice. At 35, I was a professional finally in charge of my own schedule.
It was the first time I started to date (and yes, I was a virgin until then).
You can't judge someone by their lack of experience here as though they did something wrong. If you like someone, instead of looking at this from a jaded point of view, you should ask them.
I can understand men not wanting to date someone my age in this situation because of my lack of sexual experience, but not because I haven't had years of practice in relationships. I think all my years pursuing what I wanted shows dedication, honesty and integrity toward others - and this would very much be the attitude toward the man I would now date.
Posted: 1/12/2013 5:20:29 AM
|There's always exceptions to the rules, and I have gone on dates with women with less than a year of relationship experience, but the reality for most, is that there's a reason why they're a certain age with that little experience (and that reason has little to do with them focusing on their careers). I just personally have yet to come across one. |
If you don't fit in that box, then you have nothing to worry about. Someone skips out on you, see it as their loss.
Posted: 2/9/2013 8:51:23 PM
*A history of short-term relationships, particularly in conjunction with current age, is considered worthy of suspicion, or a red flag, that is there must be something wrong with the person.
Criticism of others appears more prevalent than self-examination, suggesting a link with self-esteem.
LOVE IT! ...I would clarify that by saying criticism of others suggests a link with LOW self-esteem.
I wonder how many people around here would see "under one year" and assume that particular person was more interested in self discovery than latching on to a toxic relationship merely to cater to their insecurities...
I never gave up my quest for self esteem to enter into bad relationships just so that other people could consider me "normal"... Caring what other people think about you indicates LOW self esteem...
Posted: 2/10/2013 4:33:11 AM
|It doesn't bother me to answer that question because the website is free and I purposely don't tell the truth on it. It ask about kids, I said our family had nine, I would have put 55 if it had been available in the selection. This is not going to define anyone and these are questions that you can ask the person at any time so I would have put 1 day instead of 1 year, but I didnt have a choice to exagerate on that one either. They have to sell a compatible outline to prove that it somehow works but it doesn't because no one is going to get any brownie points for telling the exact truth. I'm not going to judge you much at all by these factors in a profile, but I might judge the profile itself. If a woman states she is only looking for other women for instance I skip by it pretty quick.Most of the statistics they ask for are private and only allows them to decide who is a match for you.|
Posted: 2/10/2013 6:52:05 AM
Do you value the length of previous relationships a person has had?
Is it realistic to do that?
Meaningless question as asked.
Better question might be - is length of previous relationship relevant? To me it is for the same reasons people have stated above.
Is it a factor in your decision making processes?
First, as Igor stated, I have to assume they filled it out honestly which is a huge assumption given the forum threads where people state they intentionally did NOT fill it in honestly.
The decision-making process it is being used in is whether to write to someone I am interested in from their profile. It is not a factor in deciding whether to write to someone I've seen through the forums (because there's additional information), nor deciding whether to respond to someone who wrote to me (because there's additional information and I reply to everyone who writes to me).
Only outliers are included in my decision-making process because I use it similar to Igor - as whether this additional piece of information fits within the 'picture' portrayed by the rest of the profile. To me, an outlier is, for example a man my age whose longest relationship is 5 yrs or less. But it is only an additional factor, only as additional information, not a deciding factor in and of itself.
Are you happy being evaluated upon the length of past relationships yourself?
It has never entered my mind. People will evaluate me on whatever criteria they will without my blessing. I reserve the same right. It would be silly to get worked up about it.
I agree with VGE that I'm more concerned by (i.e. give more weight to) how long they've been out of their previous relationship.
Also, POF's available range is ridiculous and, I think, is biased toward young people. Why are there 1-yr increments up to 10 yrs and then nothing? Is there supposed to be some meaningful difference between a 2-yr relationship and a 3-yr relationship? If POF is going to have the item on there at all, then it should also include a 15-yr, 20-yr, 30-yr option.
Still, it is only additional information.
Posted: 2/10/2013 6:58:41 AM
|I agree 15 years or 20 years might actually tell you something about someone but it would make more sense to just have an open box where you can type in how many years, for those whom think this is a benefit.|
Posted: 2/10/2013 12:18:13 PM
|I have yet to meet anyone who actually knew how to relate to anyone. Sex, barely. Time in so-called disconnected relationships doesn't count for anything in my search. I look to see if they have matured and are ready for a real relationship and that they understand commitment, are ready for a lifelong partner. But mainly they are dynamic enough to keep growing until the day they keel over.|
Posted: 2/10/2013 12:35:43 PM
|Oh god I hope no guy judges me on how long my relationships have lasted. Cuz honestly none of my relationships have gone past the 6 month mark.|
I don't know why.
One guy I dated for 3 years on and off but wouldn't really count that as a relationship as everything was based on a lie with him and I wanted to break up with him after 6 months of dating him. He lied about everything and was a coke head and I couldn't break free from him. He was mentally abusive/
After him, I had a LTR with a guy for 8 months. And I wouldn't even call that a relationship as it was long distance.
The guy the LTR, my recent ex, we dated for 5 months. And in that time we broke up twice.
so yeah, I think there's something wrong with me!!! Maybe I'm too accommodating, perhaps a bit of a doormat, I don't fight and I'm very non-confrontational...
I don't believe in fighting when ur in a relationship or arguing over stupid shiet. But that's just me.
But another thing I want to add, I never took any of my relationships seriously as I should have except for my recent ex. Him, I loved very much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
But i don't know. Not having a relationship past 6 months is that bad?
6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)