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 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 351
How would you retaliate when cheated on?Page 15 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

What you went through, I can only imagine, I'm just glad you got OUT.


Thanks Bamagirl. It wasn't just the cheating, but the mind-****ing, the gas lighting, the outrageous LIES, the future-faking, the triangulations, the stalking, the acting (soooo convincing), the hot/cold swings, and have I mentioned the LIES? I'm still not sure what he had planned for me, why he wanted to keep me as supply, because he's got plenty in Germany. My guess is the wanted to secure a "soft landing" for when he returns back to the States in two years. I hope he never comes back to my area again, I don't ever want any contact with this creature again.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 352
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/11/2015 8:00:56 PM
TrvstinKarma- Oh yeah, what you describe, THAT I get.
The hardest thing of all when in recovery from a relationship with an NPD, is getting your head back on straight, that took me a WHILE.
If he comes back, he very well might contact you again, an NPD is ALWAYS on the look out for ego supply, they often go back to old relationships and try to pull back in someone they already hurt, they are shameless.
If that happens, do NOT respond in any way, shape or form.
Check your inbox, in a few minutes, I'm going to send you some things that helped. :)
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 353
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/11/2015 8:10:52 PM
Bama, I know! When he contacted me in February, it was 18 months after we broke up (or I should say he discarded me when I dared criticize him). I could not believe it when I saw he messaged me on Facebook, as if nothing had happened. Of course, I didn't know or suspect he had NPD, so I figured he just missed me, like I had missed him. I mean, why else would he bother to reach out, when he had tons of other women all over him? It all makes sense now. This time, I blocked him, I'm in control, and I won't ever unblock him.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 354
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/11/2015 9:05:02 PM
Karma

this was the guy that is 20 years younger, right???, or thereabouts. He may grow up and get his act together one day and I would not have told his girlfriend any of it. He may find a way to retaliate sooner or later given his antics in the past. He knows where you live. The best and hardest thing to do is to let it all go. No revenge, nothing. It may have been your karma to cop all that and a lesson learned. If you retaliate you just perpetuate it all. Easier said than done but it is taking the high road.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 355
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/12/2015 7:08:54 AM

This was the guy that is 20 years younger, right???, or thereabouts. He may grow up and get his act together one day and I would not have told his girlfriend any of it. He may find a way to retaliate sooner or later given his antics in the past. He knows where you live. The best and hardest thing to do is to let it all go. No revenge, nothing. It may have been your karma to cop all that and a lesson learned. If you retaliate you just perpetuate it all. Easier said than done but it is taking the high road.


Again....this is NOT an age issue, it's a PERSONALITY issue with this guy. I've known him long enough and found out enough about him, and have seen his actions often enough to realize this - he will never change, he never sees anything wrong with his behavior, he fits every single description (and I've researched and read countless) of a sociopath/NPD. It doesn't matter what others think anymore - I KNOW what happened, h0w he reacts, how nasty and angry he gets when things don't go his way. No normal person, regardless of age, does that.

When I contacted his clueless girlfriend, I hadn't figured out that he was a narc. His response to me, and him getting someone to lie for him to her made me realize who I was dealing with. One of his flying monkeys posed as his "aunt" and told the girlfriend he was staying with her when in fact he had stayed with me. Who does this?? Who has someone else lie for them? Who flips like a switch from loving, caring, future-planning to insulting, denying, cruel within a few days? Not a normal person. Don't tell me this is "normal" healthy behavior, even in your 20s. This guy then threatened me that I would "get mine" - he PROMISED me that I would, and then cussed me out. I told him if he ever threatened me again or contacted me again I would get in touch with his commander - that got him to shut up finally, and I blocked him. He will never hear from me again, and I hope he will leave me alone and never come back to WA. I'm not scared of him, but I just don't ever want to run into him or know he is around.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 356
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/12/2015 7:38:44 AM

An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind.

That's one of the definitions one can find on the 'net. They vary. "How would you retaliate when cheated on?" In the context of the OP -- retaliate when cheated on -- it's a response to them. It doesn't have to be a clearly destructive move. It can be something that constructive for them to think twice about being a d!ck again, ya know? That's The point. It's the original point of retaliating -- not to be attacked again. One's not going to attack one who strikes back, is the theory. Which can be true... again, depends on what they did in the first place, who/how they are, and what you did in response. An eye-for-an-eye is an emotive response and isn't a good blanketed rule-of-thumb. It's a primitive & natural emotive thought process of self-defense, and actually to help keep social order for making others realize there's Consequences to hurting/attacking others, but it's not very accurate. If you let people kick you around, that Obviously isn't good either. But blindly striking back and letting your angry/hurt "gut" or emotion be your compass isn't either. We see a lot of the latter, so we just emotively say that taking any action / doing something in response is Always Bad. My point -- well, That isn't good either. :)

Well, clearly you are calling me out that I'm referring to my ex, it wasn't exactly meant to be a secret. :D

I wasn't trying to center everything around your ex, and I wasn't saying it just to You, but people in general. When hurt about a really bad ex, it's a reminder that everyone who does bad things (like, cheat) are not their ex. People respond/listen/react in different ways. Cheating is a very frequent thing done by people of all different types. My point was, one can't take a really wacko friend of a friend, an ex, a family member who also cheated a lot and say "Hey, you can't do/say/act on anything with one who cheats!" No, not everyone's like him/her.

Not saying anything, walking away isn't always passive/aggressive either.

In general, no it's not. But purposely giving someone a silent treatment -- suddenly "dropping the mic" & completely disappearing with no explanation -- they're doing that not as merely walking away from the situation and for their own benefit, but to hurt/frustrate the other person back -- which can be deserving, don't get me wrong -- but it Is retaliation. :)
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 357
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/12/2015 3:09:14 PM

In general, no it's not. But purposely giving someone a silent treatment -- suddenly "dropping the mic" & completely disappearing with no explanation -- they're doing that not as merely walking away from the situation and for their own benefit, but to hurt/frustrate the other person back -- which can be deserving, don't get me wrong -- but it Is retaliation. :)


The silent treatment is classic narc behavior. Dingbat did it all the time when he felt slighted or threatened, to me and other people. He bragged to me once how he hadn't talked to a family member in over a year and how that had driven her to tears. I told him that was a horrible thing to do, and he just smirked. When I found out he had lied to me about having a girlfriend and confronted him, he just blocked me instead of talking to me. That was his form of control and "punishment" - how did I DARE criticize him. That's what made me more mad than finding out about his lies - and that's what prompted me to contact the girlfriend. No way was he going to just walk away like that, without any consequence to him.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 358
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/12/2015 3:43:45 PM
How can you justify diagnosing someone with your obvious bias? Maybe you “look like a duck” to him. Does he get the right to diagnose you, because you “look like” a psycho?

Do you suggest to young guys you want to date that women their own age will “trap” them into marriage with pregnancy, and end up “stealing” child support from them, like you posted on here?
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 359
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/12/2015 6:35:52 PM
Do you suggest to young guys you want to date that women their own age will “trap” them into marriage with pregnancy, and end up “stealing” child support from them, like you posted on here?

---


Actually it's the young guys that have voiced that concern often. I've never been in that position personally.

And I will not discuss this here anymore - I have people who know what happened in great detail, I'm not going to waste my time here trying to "convince" people who don't like me anyways. Carry on bashing me.
 TheHiddenSoul
Joined: 12/14/2013
Msg: 360
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/12/2015 7:05:19 PM
Had some similar experiences myself.

An ex of mine cheated on me, and stupidly I took her back because I was always taught to forgive and forget. We moved on and things were good for a while, then she did it again with the same guy. We eventually broke up - Within a single week she was gone completely from my life after being together for 3-4 years.

I have another experience where a more recent ex and I didn't work out. Long story short, she and my little brother got ....close, and apparently fired things up together. I don't consider that cheating at all, but oh man, does that REALLY make things awkward....
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 361
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/15/2015 12:12:55 PM

Sometimes, but it could also be an effective anger management technique, or a flight response to stress or an indication of depression ect. It can also be sulking or as you say, retaliation.

In the "drop the mic" & immediately disappear in-a-flash is a purposeful action. I agree if it's just a natural flight response, it doesn't have to be retaliation if it's not done nor with any care in how that affects the other person (but they're just thinking about their own well being in the now). But if it is any technique at all like the anger management one that you exampled -- that is retaliation. That'd be retaliating against someone acting wacked out, or more specifically against their bad behavior. My point is that retaliation doesn't equal doing-harm-against-the-other (although many times it will be). It's just an action to affect the other person in some way, in return.

An ex of mine cheated on me, and stupidly I took her back because I was always taught to forgive and forget.

When we're cheated on, I think the forgive & forget mantra would serve more as a saving-grace from looking like a pushover. Many times when one's cheated on, they're left feeling like they're not a good enough catch (to be not cheated on). Kind of like starting over a bit, in a different way, of "trying to get the girl" in some sense. And one can feel like they're between a rock & a hard place: If I dump her right now, with questions still buzzing in my mind, what does this solve? She's going to go right back to that guy again saying/thinking "Yeah, we're broken up. Drama's over. Let's get freaky, [Zack]!" I don't want her doing that! But at the same time, if I keep her and 'move on', what is that solving? I look/feel like a putz! But I just can't say "Yep, I'm not good enough for ya, not as good as [Zack], best for you to move on with him and/or other guys and not me...". Ahhh, forgive & forget -- that's a good concept that one can apply. I'll apply that, as I want her to fully want me and not want to dabble elsewhere, and she's expressing regret for what she did.

I have another experience where a more recent ex and I didn't work out. Long story short, she and my little brother got ....close, and apparently fired things up together. I don't consider that cheating at all, but oh man, does that REALLY make things awkward....

Yah. Did they break up, or still going out? "Hey bro, how do the seconds taste?" :)
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 362
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/16/2015 6:55:53 AM
Possibly, but it doesn't necessarily make him a Narc, it could be a sign of PTSD, depression, or just total horror at what he has seen and been through.

===

Lol, heck no. He pulled that stuff long before he joined the military, and I met him before he ever deployed. He has a long history of this behavior, as I found out. But if it makes you people here feel better to make me out as the crazy one, and him as the "poor victim", who wanted to "protect" his GF (why did he lie and cheat on her in the first place then??) - carry on.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 363
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/16/2015 10:33:33 AM

I would consider it retaliation if they knew they had hurt the other person then disappeared to further hurt them.

Retaliation doesn't require hurting the person. I mean, if someone did something to another in response -- but the other person didn't see it / get it -- they still retaliated. But I see what you mean -- that they Tried to hurt them. That's where we disagree. IMO, retaliation = Responding after being hurt, not necessarily a hurtful response. Usually it will be something that stings the other person, yeah. And many times not the wisest move, because the response is done out of emotion. But all retaliation is, is a response, a reaction to the other person after being hurt. It can be a mature one, but more often times a knee-jerk reaction which won't be the best (but still could be). Here's an example with Sally & Bobby:

Bobby goes off on Sally for cheating on him. He goes off on Sally and calls her a ho, bashes her looks, calls her names -- and calls her a stupid idiot thinking he didn't know she was over at Brad's house banging him on Saturday night! He leaves Sally in tears going off on her in his fit of rage.

Sally Retaliates by simply showing him her gal pals' facebook posts of group-photos out of town (with her included in them) that Saturday night, showing that they were all out together from early evening to late late at night together -- no boys anywhere. And a copy of a post Brad made of a picture with him and The Other Sally late night Saturday at his place.

Sally: "So, care to keep going off on me?"
Bobby: "Ohhhh, fvck."
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 364
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/16/2015 1:55:48 PM

To retaliate with thought to get what you want and to deliberately hurt someone is probably more along the lines of a Narc IMO.

No -- you're Defining Retaliation as That. That is one FORM of retaliation, which is exactly my point -- it is NOT the definition of retaliation. Retaliation doesn't have to be for the sake of inflicting pain back on someone is my point.

Again, take my example. Did Sally slash his tries for being a hasty complete a-hole? No. She put him in his place -- which yes did hurt him, but it wasn't TO inflict pain for the Sake of inflicting pain. He felt hurt of course -- but as a Byproduct of being shown what Really happened and that he went off hastily and now looks like a complete a-hole.

Even though she didn't go off on him, slash his tires or act immaturely doesn't mean she didn't Retaliate. She did. She did something Back. But my whole point is, retaliation doesn't have to be Bad, Immature, or "will only cause more problems". In fact, that helped RESOLVE any More problems stemming from it, right in its tracks.

Others hate the word "retaliation" like they hate "jealousy" -- thinking it's always a Negative/Wrong thing. It's not necessarily a bad/wrong thing to do. In fact, sometimes it's the Right thing to do or feel.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 8/14/2015
Msg: 365
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/17/2015 12:12:01 PM
Well I still think retaliation or revenge just gives people the right
to rent space in your head.

Giving them one nano second of consideration really only fuels their
ego.

So I can feel angry or pissed off or wronged or even jealous, but
doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. I'd rather ignore them.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 366
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/17/2015 3:14:18 PM

Ok, our understanding of the word retaliation is different. I understand it as attack/revenge ie - an eye for an eye

It's the common form of retaliation, just as a common form of jealousy is one who's overly jealous. Retaliation doesn't have to be an Attack -- it's a Response. Which yes, many times will be fitting of an Attack. As a saying goes after someone dumps you real bad or screws ya over -- "The best revenge is success". In certain circumstances where your success is staring them in the face between certain types of people -- yep. It's a passive form of Retaliation if that's your motivator to succeed (and to ensure they see it - lol).


No. She put him in his place -- which yes did hurt him, but it wasn't TO inflict pain for the Sake of inflicting pain.
I wouldn't call that retaliation I would call it setting boundaries.

That's not "setting boundaries" whatsoever. No more than he was "setting boundaries" calling her out on cheating. It's putting someone in their place -- which yes, inflicts 'pain' -- pain of looking like the biggest fool, while you look like someone who can suck it up and show them what's up. Ouch. But the key point between BAD retaliation and GOOD retaliation -- is that it actually serves as a Constructive purpose. In that fictional scenario, whether the guy ends up flipping out because she just called him out on being completely wrong (after he already flipped out) -- in the end, it was still Constructive. Even flipping out realizing he was wrong, he will still know in the back of his mind he was wrong no matter how much he tries to rationalize how she's still a bad GF, etc. He will definitely not be as hasty accusing someone of cheating (and likely other things). What'd be worse? Her not saying ANYTHING, and he continues to think she DID cheat on him. That's anti-constructive -- but a Chicken's way out to avoid conflict but to call it "mature". However, thankfully, in such a B&W example as that, Very few people are going to be chicken to Correct that falsely-accusing-soon-to-be-ex of a BF, which makes him look like an idiot (which IS constructive in this case). :)

But an angry retaliation to jealousy isn't likely to resolve the issue IMO.

Sure -- there's more forms of retaliation / responses to someone doing something bad to another than there are good ones. Especially when said response is emotionally driven.

However, it would depend on why you are feeling jealous.

Yes, jealousy can be something one shouldn't be feeling -- and sometimes, if one's NOT feeling jealous, they either don't care or are brainwashed/manipulated (or stupid) to not realize that they should. If your significant other is kissing someone else, you should feel jealousy. If your significant other is talking to someone of the opp-sex who needs directions, you shouldn't feel jealousy. But "jealousy" has a negative connotation to it, and it assumes it's an over-reactive thing, so people redefine it as such. Some people are too afraid to say they ever get jealous -- which is weird.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 367
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/17/2015 10:19:17 PM
playing devil's advocate here....

I don't think anyone is suggesting that this younger guy has a stable normal temperament.
However you mention that he was supposedly planning a future with you???. Is that right?? Sorry, but how deluded is that? Although his personality disorder has no bearing on his age, the fact that you were involved with a guy so young and took him so seriously and were so rapt with him is a worry. You don't see that?? What on Earth would your young kids think about you bringing such a young man, you hardly knew, into your house for sex and whatever..
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 368
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/18/2015 10:02:36 AM

I don't see it as putting someone in their place, that to me mean = taking control in the relationship.

I never implied that at all. If you successfully put someone in their place (where they realize it) I guess you took control of that Situation as it's Resolved as far as any disagreement (see my example).

Often setting boundaries does feel hurtful to someone who isn't used to it. If for instance a man is used to dating women with a lack of boundaries

I think that's a different subject on "how to argue" or "respect when disagreeing and interacting", which a different but interesting topic on what will upset the other, and is about constructive interaction by knowing each other's personal taste. This one is -- is retaliation always a bad thing, in principle? Is it always a non-constructive thing, in principle? I say absolutely not to both. It CAN be of course, and many times is, but it's certainly not out of principle or anything.

No its not mature its a cop out and failing to address important issues IMO.

Making the link to interaction/respect/boundaries -- the reason some will be chicken by holding onto a belief to never interact -- is because they don't want to deal with a potential argument/conflict as a result. Even if it means showing them the evidence that they were wrong. But if it's as clear as my example, very few will be too chicken as in that example it's really clear cut.

That's why I took your example as setting boundaries. He has escalated a concern, she has answered it.

Him having escalated a concern is putting it way too lightly. He went off and was dumping her calling her a wh0re, etc., based on false accusations. She Countered with revealing evidence which put him in his place ("Ohhh, sh!t"). Retaliation. Doesn't require her to throw in insults like "... and you have a small penis!" :)

Lol I worry about you sometimes NG. If your SO Is kissing someone you dump them, pronto! yes you are feeling jealous and rightly so and the appropriate thing to do is dump them.

My point was that jealousy is a GOOD thing to feel. Some people out there believe jealousy (like the concept of retaliation) is always a Bad/Negative/Deconstructive thing -- and they say that they literally Never get jealous. So my clear-cut example is -- yes, you will get jealous if your SO is kissing someone else IF you had feelings for your SO. It's not a bad thing, people feel it, it's normal, was my point.

Exactly, if you are feeling jealous your insecure. I agree.

Not necessarily, but in that example of SO talking to opp-sex about directions -- yeah, the jealous person is insecure. In the other one where your SO is kissing someone else, you aren't an insecure person -- you're realizing that your relationship is insecure... which I guess will result in feelings of insecurity in relation to you and your SO -- as one should if that's going on! :)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 369
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/19/2015 10:13:37 AM

No she cant retaliate with 'you have a small penis' he is being abusive to her.

I know, that's that's exactly what I said -- she Doesn't have to say that to Effectively retaliate. That's my point -- the definition of retaliation doesn't require her saying something like that -- something "bad" and worsening things. People Want "retaliation" to mean something Bad and De-Constructive.

She shouldn't be defending herself against a false allegation she should be dealing with the abusive on slaught

No, actually. My point is, that Would put him in his place. In the example, it does. It shuts him up -- and not only puts an immediate stop to his abusive words, but puts him in his place looking like a fool. He's going to more than think twice about "going off" like that. And it's not just defending herself -- it's pointing out how he's wrong. Now, the example is an easy one -- it's rarely that easy in real life, but once in a while it is. It's EASY for her to show him how he's wrong. There's not really any room for interpretation. She proves it right there. He's stopped in his tracks. Boom.

And that is the original goal of retaliation, even though in real life it many times does not get to it -- to Stop the other person. But *when* there is an opportunity to, Jump on it! Like the example with Sally to do so. Common sense. I criticize those who would "just get the hell away from him" -- if they have the proof right there in their cell phone to show how he's going off like a complete idiot. Not only does it stop them in their tracks, they also feel like the biggest moron because they are. When there's GOOD reason behind that (proving they're wrong) as opposed to just emotional reaction to make them feel bad ("you have a small penis") -- it's a GOOD thing to do, as opposed to a bad thing to do. Why? One's constructive, one's destructive. Retaliation's not always destructive. Not proving him wrong when there IS an opportunity, is the "chicken" part -- and is actually destructive not to -- because he's likely to go around thinking she did cheat on him. 99% of people will, in that example, show him wrong thankfully. :)

If my SO was kissing someone else it would not be jealousy I would be feeling.

Jealousy IS a Feeling! :) It's not an extreme example -- it's a Clear example -- an obvious one without any gray areas, to show that yes, we all Should feel jealous about certain things.

It's not JUST hurt & anger.

But not generically. It's hurt & anger out of jealousy. If he was stealing money out of your purse, that would be hurt & anger -- but a different feeling than you catching him kissing another woman. :)

The relationship would not be insecure the relationship would be over.

It would be insecure, for as long as it lasted (not that long). It would crumble & break down. It not only lost sufficient security -- it crumbled completely! Well, I take that back as an absolute. Sometimes people won't break up with them oh-so quickly, unfortunately. Some people will still stick it out with them. But again, point is -- the relationship lost it's security and then some -- which is why it'd be over (hopefully, right?)!

If we were out in a group and someone brought a single female friend who was more attractive than me or my SO started to show an active interest in them, then I would feel jealous.[/qutoe]
Okay, if there was a single female who was more attractive than you and you felt jealous, yeah, that's "over jealousy"... an unnecessary jealousy UNTIL your SO started to show interest in them -- then that's a Normal level of jealousy because you should feel jealous.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 370
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/20/2015 10:50:43 AM

Im not sure NG? If he was angry and saying 'I know you are cheating, I know you are seeing someone else, I know you was at Brads house on Saturday', then yes I agree with you. But you said he was calling her a ho, bashing her looks and calling her names and left her in tears when she hadn't done anything. That's a different thing.

Even More So he'd be put in his place. He's lashing out like unfortunately too many people do when in rage -- he thinks he's cheated on, he goes off on her (sour grapes) about not being some hottie, you're trash, etc -- obviously some underlying issues there. Which many times there are when one jumps to conclusions that their ex is doing something horribly bad. But point is -- the more he trashes her in general as a side-dish of her cheating on him -- the more he's eating crow and feeling like an idiot when he's Corrected that she wasn't at all cheating and his logic was screwed up. Humble pie by the heaping spoonful. THAT is the kind of retaliation one should have *if* available. He's certainly not going to go off on assumptions with his next GF, and he can't ignore the fact that he can go off way too hastily. Is he going to transform into some model upstanding boyfriend overnight? Fat chance. However, it will at least "correct his steering" internally some to at least some degree.


I criticize those who would "just get the hell away from him"
Why?

In this scenario? Because she has the proof that she wasn't at her fingertips. Not a complex argument to explain and connect the dots to merely make a good probability that she wasn't -- she has PROOF ... right there. It will put him in his place and do good for "society" in general, and him as a person to in the very least think twice there and realize he's got some issues and needs some correction. And it will also make Her feel better after that thrashing, of correcting him and him having to eat some humble pie. It's just basic human psychology 101. Thankfully, in this scenario, most are not going to be wacko and play chicken on that -- and instead Show them they're barking up the wrong tree, and put them in their place by merely showing them -- no insult wars or arguing required.


But not generically. It's hurt & anger out of jealousy.
No I don't think it is NG, I don't think it is jealousy I would be feeling. Jealousy is 'Im scared Im going to lose you', if it was an established relationship my thought pattern would be 'I cant trust you and you have hurt me, I want out'.

There's a lot of feelings seeing your SO kissing someone else. But that last quote at the end there -- that fits finding out your SO was stealing money out of your purse all this time. That's PART of the jealousy thing, sure. It's the "and you have hurt me" part -- the type & flavor of hurt. Why does that hurt you? If a GF of mine was kissing another GIRL, it certainly wouldn't be hurting me -- I'd be Excited! :) But kissing another guy -- WTF? That *Feeling* of hurt due to that is Jealousy.

Also, jealousy isn't always "I'm scared I'm going to lose you" as it's primary emotional thought. That can be a by-product of jealousy and part of it -- but that's not required. You can be "Well, fvck you, we're done, a-hole," or "I'm losing you babe! No, I want you to want me and just me, how do I make it so, so I don't lose you?!" People vary on how they feel as a by-product of jealousy.

It depends on what stage the relationship is at. If its an extablished committed relationship then yes that would be enough for me to end it

Yes, true. If it was a girl who wasn't a GF, but merely a gal I had a crush on -- yes, that's a jealous feeling, but a different combination of emotions that'll go along with it. A jealous feeling comes in different varieties and combo packages. No feelings of betrayal come along with it in that instance -- just like no feelings of betrayal come along with feelings of jealousy when it comes to someone else of the same gender who's way more attractive than oneself getting all the attention and all eyes are away from you. Just basic less complicated (but more primitive) jealousy.

Then you saw him kissing someone else and you felt jealous, well then that could be an indication that you want to move the relationship forward and commit to the relationship. So yes, a bit of retalitation

Yeah, it'd be retaliation if she claimed she wasn't ready to be a couple with him, etc -- yeah. If one person says they don't want anything serious, don't want to be a couple, but still wants to go out regularly (having their cake & eat it too) -- sure, ok -- they can't complain if they run into the other person at the bar and that other person looks over, smiles, then kisses someone else. That'd be retaliation -- a "Soooo, this is what you want to be fair game, right?" :)
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 371
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:50:25 PM
If I found out some guy was getting 'gina time with a gf I'd be either disappointed or devastated depending on the level of caring/trust....

But, I think the best move at that point would be to just accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on, hopefully learn something, gain some wisdom.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 372
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/21/2015 4:22:55 PM

I don't think so??? or at least Im not sure. When made to feel like an idiot some people can become even more aggressive IMO.

But he made himself feel like an idiot -- that's why the Key is how you present it. She doesn't need to rub it in. Whether it be just an email with no explanation showing the timestamp on the photos out with her girls elsewhere at the time + photo of him with another girl with her name at the time, or pointed out right there -- it's retaliation that should be had. It's correcting the person where the facts speak for themselves. When one lets the facts speak for themselves (with no egging on top of it), the worst that'll happen is one being aggressive in Defending themselves of being an idiot (excuses off the top of their head), not on the offensive. It may make you nervous to just clearly correct someone going ape-sh!t. The person going ape-sh!t remember is Also going to realize that what Got them upset didn't happen! :) The emotional shift is going to be "Fvck. Oh fvck. I'm a moron." Again, at worst it'll be Defense, not offense as a response. The gal can just walk after showing him it. No fighting required post-retaliation.


they can't complain if they run into the other person at the bar and that other person looks over, smiles, then kisses someone else be retaliation -- a "Soooo, this is what you want to be fair game, right?" :)
Haha, yeah that would do it for me, well if I liked him it would.

What would be "it" that's done for you?

(a) Stopping dating him because he kissed a gal despite you pushing to keep boundaries open not to be exclusive
(b) Change the rules to be exclusive because you now realize keeping things open isn't good
(c) Decide to join in and triple-kiss and share you Gina time with both the guy & that girl at the same time where everybody's a winner? :)
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 373
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/21/2015 4:36:54 PM
norwegianguy456- Your repeated insistence that you can predict how someone will react is.........concerning.
HOW do you believe that you can correctly predict someone's behavior???
If you could, correctly, predict human behavior, then surely you would NOT find yourself involved with a cheater, to begin with?
"Correct" their behavior?
No.
Cheating/cheaters are NOT an easy fix like you made a writing error and you have the ability to erase it.
It's like you have this script in your mind, well they did that, so now I'll do this and they WILL see the error of their ways.
Want to bet?
No, just no.
We will have to agree to disagree on this one.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 374
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History
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/22/2015 10:42:36 AM

Your repeated insistence that you can predict how someone will react is.........concerning.

I repeat Everything (haven't you noticed??). :) So if I wasn't repeating it, one would be right in assuming that I didn't hold too well to it. :)

HOW do you believe that you can correctly predict someone's behavior???

I'm not talking about being psychic by any means. I'm talking about how people tend to act or feel in extremely restricted situations as examples. But you're doing the same thing -- your position is not "You don't know how one will react," yours is guys (or people) will act bad in response to any form of retaliation (any response of any type to them doing something bad). So you're not void of assumption. :)

Example: For those who say they don't get jealous, and mean that very literally, they Can and Do feel jealous in certain situations. Someone they're dating and truly Like, if that person is seen kissing someone else, they'll feel jealous. HOW can I believe that I can correctly predict how they feel? Am I psychic? No, just pointing out common sense. :) That example, along with my example of "retaliation" when one's falsely accusing them of cheating and debasing them, and it takes seconds to whip up facebook to show them that they weren't (and how the other is a fool for jumping to conclusions and venting at them for 'it') -- are admittedly very basic & simple. Most things in real life are not that clear cut. However, my point is that it's Not Always true that Any form of retaliation at Any time with Anyone is bad/wrong. I'm not the absolutist -- my argument's going against Absolutists like yourself. So if anything, you're the one putting human behavior in stone, not I! I'm just pointing out exceptions that may occur.

If you could, correctly, predict human behavior, then surely you would NOT find yourself involved with a cheater, to begin with?

I've never been implying or coming across as a human predictor. Again, (with my repetitive ways), it's simple common-sense examples to defeat Absolutism that X is never true (one can Never be jealous or retaliation of any form whatsoever is never worthwhile).

Cheating/cheaters are NOT an easy fix like you made a writing error and you have the ability to erase it.

People of all shapes & sizes, physically & otherwise, are apt to cheat if put in the right circumstances. They're not all the same at all.

Again I agree with the concept, I also agree that it benefits society in general to correct poor behaviours. How you go about that will likely vary greatly.

Yes. I think the concept of absolutism against any & all forms of retaliation (reaction to being wronged) whatsoever is based on the flaws of human nature when emotional -- the fear of screwing it up when retaliating, which many people will do, sure. Much like jealousy. We re-define jealousy as "over jealousy" (hence my jealousy examples) -- because whenever we think of jealousy we think of someone overreacting and getting too emotional, etc. Same with retaliation -- acting out of emotion instead of the main goal to make the other person see the light in how they were wrong and/or to make them think twice about doing 'it' again.

But for the man calling her a ho, dissing her looks ect then no.

Well, a lot of (normal) guys is going to call their SO a ho when he finds out she cheated on him. Especially with a guy named Brad. ;) I don't think that means he's psycho. When you correct someone -- without attacking them, but letting the facts speak for themselves, after they drummed things up bashing you because of 'it' where 'it' was incorrect -- they eat crow. Sure, you can say that he could flip out and kill you just by doing that! Sure -- and a BF could flip out and kill you for overcooking the chicken! And a GF could kill a guy for leaving the toilet seat up! :)

To be clear, if he kissed another girl that could be too much for me and I could feel hurt so might withdraw, it could well be a).

That would be unfair of you, if you were opting for Open Boundaries to date others when he wasn't.

If I was unsure and at that point felt jealous then yes definitely b), it could be the thing that tipped the balance and went from 'Im not sure' to, 'yeah I really want him'.

And that feeling of really wanting him could be "too much" for you. That realization could affect ya too much -- but you don't want to blame him for it, if you were the one who opted to keep things Open. In a sense, it'd be similar to the example of the false accuser -- finding out you're Wrong and eating crow. However, more difficult in this case, because at this point, you may feel you Lost them, so to salvage some pride, one may cut things off to prevent any further damage. But as a side note, that would be greedy & not an admirable option at all (but a selfish one).
 Perspektiv
Joined: 10/29/2015
Msg: 375
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/22/2015 8:03:27 PM

Yes, cheating is that. You're violating what you promised.


Love is a choice. Your partner doesn't owe you anything.

Revenge is just as petty as the cheating, itself. Its even more pathetic, as you're going out of your way to get it.

It showcases you have not, and cannot let them go.

Personally, I'd rather keep my self-respect, and let them go.

I prefer letting karma take care of them.
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