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Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 370
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?Page 18 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

Im not sure NG? If he was angry and saying 'I know you are cheating, I know you are seeing someone else, I know you was at Brads house on Saturday', then yes I agree with you. But you said he was calling her a ho, bashing her looks and calling her names and left her in tears when she hadn't done anything. That's a different thing.

Even More So he'd be put in his place. He's lashing out like unfortunately too many people do when in rage -- he thinks he's cheated on, he goes off on her (sour grapes) about not being some hottie, you're trash, etc -- obviously some underlying issues there. Which many times there are when one jumps to conclusions that their ex is doing something horribly bad. But point is -- the more he trashes her in general as a side-dish of her cheating on him -- the more he's eating crow and feeling like an idiot when he's Corrected that she wasn't at all cheating and his logic was screwed up. Humble pie by the heaping spoonful. THAT is the kind of retaliation one should have *if* available. He's certainly not going to go off on assumptions with his next GF, and he can't ignore the fact that he can go off way too hastily. Is he going to transform into some model upstanding boyfriend overnight? Fat chance. However, it will at least "correct his steering" internally some to at least some degree.

I criticize those who would "just get the hell away from him"

In this scenario? Because she has the proof that she wasn't at her fingertips. Not a complex argument to explain and connect the dots to merely make a good probability that she wasn't -- she has PROOF ... right there. It will put him in his place and do good for "society" in general, and him as a person to in the very least think twice there and realize he's got some issues and needs some correction. And it will also make Her feel better after that thrashing, of correcting him and him having to eat some humble pie. It's just basic human psychology 101. Thankfully, in this scenario, most are not going to be wacko and play chicken on that -- and instead Show them they're barking up the wrong tree, and put them in their place by merely showing them -- no insult wars or arguing required.

But not generically. It's hurt & anger out of jealousy.
No I don't think it is NG, I don't think it is jealousy I would be feeling. Jealousy is 'Im scared Im going to lose you', if it was an established relationship my thought pattern would be 'I cant trust you and you have hurt me, I want out'.

There's a lot of feelings seeing your SO kissing someone else. But that last quote at the end there -- that fits finding out your SO was stealing money out of your purse all this time. That's PART of the jealousy thing, sure. It's the "and you have hurt me" part -- the type & flavor of hurt. Why does that hurt you? If a GF of mine was kissing another GIRL, it certainly wouldn't be hurting me -- I'd be Excited! :) But kissing another guy -- WTF? That *Feeling* of hurt due to that is Jealousy.

Also, jealousy isn't always "I'm scared I'm going to lose you" as it's primary emotional thought. That can be a by-product of jealousy and part of it -- but that's not required. You can be "Well, fvck you, we're done, a-hole," or "I'm losing you babe! No, I want you to want me and just me, how do I make it so, so I don't lose you?!" People vary on how they feel as a by-product of jealousy.

It depends on what stage the relationship is at. If its an extablished committed relationship then yes that would be enough for me to end it

Yes, true. If it was a girl who wasn't a GF, but merely a gal I had a crush on -- yes, that's a jealous feeling, but a different combination of emotions that'll go along with it. A jealous feeling comes in different varieties and combo packages. No feelings of betrayal come along with it in that instance -- just like no feelings of betrayal come along with feelings of jealousy when it comes to someone else of the same gender who's way more attractive than oneself getting all the attention and all eyes are away from you. Just basic less complicated (but more primitive) jealousy.

Then you saw him kissing someone else and you felt jealous, well then that could be an indication that you want to move the relationship forward and commit to the relationship. So yes, a bit of retalitation

Yeah, it'd be retaliation if she claimed she wasn't ready to be a couple with him, etc -- yeah. If one person says they don't want anything serious, don't want to be a couple, but still wants to go out regularly (having their cake & eat it too) -- sure, ok -- they can't complain if they run into the other person at the bar and that other person looks over, smiles, then kisses someone else. That'd be retaliation -- a "Soooo, this is what you want to be fair game, right?" :)
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 371
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:50:25 PM
If I found out some guy was getting 'gina time with a gf I'd be either disappointed or devastated depending on the level of caring/trust....

But, I think the best move at that point would be to just accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on, hopefully learn something, gain some wisdom.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 372
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/21/2015 4:22:55 PM

I don't think so??? or at least Im not sure. When made to feel like an idiot some people can become even more aggressive IMO.

But he made himself feel like an idiot -- that's why the Key is how you present it. She doesn't need to rub it in. Whether it be just an email with no explanation showing the timestamp on the photos out with her girls elsewhere at the time + photo of him with another girl with her name at the time, or pointed out right there -- it's retaliation that should be had. It's correcting the person where the facts speak for themselves. When one lets the facts speak for themselves (with no egging on top of it), the worst that'll happen is one being aggressive in Defending themselves of being an idiot (excuses off the top of their head), not on the offensive. It may make you nervous to just clearly correct someone going ape-sh!t. The person going ape-sh!t remember is Also going to realize that what Got them upset didn't happen! :) The emotional shift is going to be "Fvck. Oh fvck. I'm a moron." Again, at worst it'll be Defense, not offense as a response. The gal can just walk after showing him it. No fighting required post-retaliation.

they can't complain if they run into the other person at the bar and that other person looks over, smiles, then kisses someone else be retaliation -- a "Soooo, this is what you want to be fair game, right?" :)
Haha, yeah that would do it for me, well if I liked him it would.

What would be "it" that's done for you?

(a) Stopping dating him because he kissed a gal despite you pushing to keep boundaries open not to be exclusive
(b) Change the rules to be exclusive because you now realize keeping things open isn't good
(c) Decide to join in and triple-kiss and share you Gina time with both the guy & that girl at the same time where everybody's a winner? :)
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 373
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/21/2015 4:36:54 PM
norwegianguy456- Your repeated insistence that you can predict how someone will react is.........concerning.
HOW do you believe that you can correctly predict someone's behavior???
If you could, correctly, predict human behavior, then surely you would NOT find yourself involved with a cheater, to begin with?
"Correct" their behavior?
Cheating/cheaters are NOT an easy fix like you made a writing error and you have the ability to erase it.
It's like you have this script in your mind, well they did that, so now I'll do this and they WILL see the error of their ways.
Want to bet?
No, just no.
We will have to agree to disagree on this one.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 374
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/22/2015 10:42:36 AM

Your repeated insistence that you can predict how someone will react is.........concerning.

I repeat Everything (haven't you noticed??). :) So if I wasn't repeating it, one would be right in assuming that I didn't hold too well to it. :)

HOW do you believe that you can correctly predict someone's behavior???

I'm not talking about being psychic by any means. I'm talking about how people tend to act or feel in extremely restricted situations as examples. But you're doing the same thing -- your position is not "You don't know how one will react," yours is guys (or people) will act bad in response to any form of retaliation (any response of any type to them doing something bad). So you're not void of assumption. :)

Example: For those who say they don't get jealous, and mean that very literally, they Can and Do feel jealous in certain situations. Someone they're dating and truly Like, if that person is seen kissing someone else, they'll feel jealous. HOW can I believe that I can correctly predict how they feel? Am I psychic? No, just pointing out common sense. :) That example, along with my example of "retaliation" when one's falsely accusing them of cheating and debasing them, and it takes seconds to whip up facebook to show them that they weren't (and how the other is a fool for jumping to conclusions and venting at them for 'it') -- are admittedly very basic & simple. Most things in real life are not that clear cut. However, my point is that it's Not Always true that Any form of retaliation at Any time with Anyone is bad/wrong. I'm not the absolutist -- my argument's going against Absolutists like yourself. So if anything, you're the one putting human behavior in stone, not I! I'm just pointing out exceptions that may occur.

If you could, correctly, predict human behavior, then surely you would NOT find yourself involved with a cheater, to begin with?

I've never been implying or coming across as a human predictor. Again, (with my repetitive ways), it's simple common-sense examples to defeat Absolutism that X is never true (one can Never be jealous or retaliation of any form whatsoever is never worthwhile).

Cheating/cheaters are NOT an easy fix like you made a writing error and you have the ability to erase it.

People of all shapes & sizes, physically & otherwise, are apt to cheat if put in the right circumstances. They're not all the same at all.

Again I agree with the concept, I also agree that it benefits society in general to correct poor behaviours. How you go about that will likely vary greatly.

Yes. I think the concept of absolutism against any & all forms of retaliation (reaction to being wronged) whatsoever is based on the flaws of human nature when emotional -- the fear of screwing it up when retaliating, which many people will do, sure. Much like jealousy. We re-define jealousy as "over jealousy" (hence my jealousy examples) -- because whenever we think of jealousy we think of someone overreacting and getting too emotional, etc. Same with retaliation -- acting out of emotion instead of the main goal to make the other person see the light in how they were wrong and/or to make them think twice about doing 'it' again.

But for the man calling her a ho, dissing her looks ect then no.

Well, a lot of (normal) guys is going to call their SO a ho when he finds out she cheated on him. Especially with a guy named Brad. ;) I don't think that means he's psycho. When you correct someone -- without attacking them, but letting the facts speak for themselves, after they drummed things up bashing you because of 'it' where 'it' was incorrect -- they eat crow. Sure, you can say that he could flip out and kill you just by doing that! Sure -- and a BF could flip out and kill you for overcooking the chicken! And a GF could kill a guy for leaving the toilet seat up! :)

To be clear, if he kissed another girl that could be too much for me and I could feel hurt so might withdraw, it could well be a).

That would be unfair of you, if you were opting for Open Boundaries to date others when he wasn't.

If I was unsure and at that point felt jealous then yes definitely b), it could be the thing that tipped the balance and went from 'Im not sure' to, 'yeah I really want him'.

And that feeling of really wanting him could be "too much" for you. That realization could affect ya too much -- but you don't want to blame him for it, if you were the one who opted to keep things Open. In a sense, it'd be similar to the example of the false accuser -- finding out you're Wrong and eating crow. However, more difficult in this case, because at this point, you may feel you Lost them, so to salvage some pride, one may cut things off to prevent any further damage. But as a side note, that would be greedy & not an admirable option at all (but a selfish one).
Joined: 10/29/2015
Msg: 375
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/22/2015 8:03:27 PM

Yes, cheating is that. You're violating what you promised.

Love is a choice. Your partner doesn't owe you anything.

Revenge is just as petty as the cheating, itself. Its even more pathetic, as you're going out of your way to get it.

It showcases you have not, and cannot let them go.

Personally, I'd rather keep my self-respect, and let them go.

I prefer letting karma take care of them.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 376
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/22/2015 8:12:51 PM

I don't know Ive never cheated, but I cant ever imagine my ex calling me a ho or dissing my looks. Calling me mouthy psycho maybe but not a ho.

The point isn't exactly what he said -- but digging himself a hole how many people react in shock & awe that their SO cheated on them -- and flipping out about it. People do tend to flip about such things. :) So throwing insults is digging themselves a hole -- and the point is, not even showing them, even in quick fashion with no one-liners required, is complete stupidity. But most people are obviously going to not say "No I didn't" when the proof is right there on their phone to quickly show. It's an example of reacting to put someone in their place (=retaliation) that is a good idea.

But wouldn't saying 'I cant accept the way you called me a ho and dissed my looks, I don't want to see you anymore' do the same thing?

Without quickly proven that wasn't you with Brad, and he's completely barking up the wrong tree? No, that's a conceptually different thing. I mean, you can add to that as to WHY you break up -- heck yes.

isn't it more likely that the man who is calling you a ho and dissing you is more likely to become more aggressive if proven wrong than the man who is saying 'I know you was out with another man and I know you are cheating on me'.

As I said before, if you prove him wrong by letting the evidence speak for itself -- not really by much. A LOT of people, upon finding out their SO cheated on them will sling insults at the other. I guess the MOST scary would be if they had a smile on their face, like someone/something out of a horror movie -- lol. Point is, proving you didn't isn't the same as proving they're wrong about general stuff people argue about. There's a combination of Relief (she didn't cheat on me!), which takes away p!ssed off feelings every guy (or girl) is going to be feeling toward the other who cheated on them when they just found out -- followed by feeling like a moron & back-pedaling.

It's more comparable to him being worried his mom is going to die due to X, he's all worked up about it and freaking out and expressing that in disagreeing with you and insults you -- and then you have the proof that his mom is 100% fine right then. RELIEF, followed by how he handles his regret. The worst would be a crazy BF trying to defend "Well, I called you a [bleep] because, well, you know, you're like that a lot every time you [blah blah blah]," in his backpedaling. But point is, NOT telling him will only make him continually be Pissed.

I have never ever opted for open boundaries, I never would I couldn't manage it. My reference is regarding relationships in the early stages when one or the other or both are not sure if they want to commit.

Yeah, that's open boundaries. When you're not an "item" yet. That gray-zone... which varies; there's no set length. Some people want to be exclusive real soon, some want to stretch it out to be too long. In that gray-zone area where they talk about it and one wants to not get serious and be exclusive but the other does -- fine, the person who does should say "Okay, if it's 'too soon', here -- me kissing this gal should make you think twice about that." :) Reason is, people want to wait on exclusivity when they feel they have other options/possibilities/dates to dabble in, and the other person not as much. When they see the other person's options to partake in are certainly right there to be enjoyed -- suddenly exclusivity, if they like them, isn't such a bad idea. :)

if he is nodding and smiling at me before doing it he's doing it to get a reaction

Not merely to get a reaction, no. To get an Understanding. Smiling because he knows You Asked For This, so he's doing no wrong. :)

Bit of a risky game though because he might react in the way of thinking he couldn't trust me.

No, not if you guys talked about it and he insisted on not being exclusive even though it's timely to be exclusive, while you wanted to Be exclusive -- but said 'fine'. He'd be ASKING you to kiss others when the opportunities arise. In the talk/argument about exclusive/non-exclusive -- one should remind the other of that. :)

Not lost them so much as being hurt by them. If they can hurt me that much and are willing to do so its more likely that will hurt me throughout the relationship. Id rather be treated nicely than constantly hurt.

But he wouldn't have done Anything Wrong if you veto'd going exclusive but still wanted to see each other non-exclusively. Just because it hurts you doesn't mean he wronged you in Any way or did anything bad. He's Showing you what you Claim is OK. If anything, if you got Upset about it, you'd be the one who would get any Negative label. You can't have it both ways.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 377
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/23/2015 1:31:12 PM

Love is a choice. Your partner doesn't owe you anything.

No, love is not a choice. It's influenced by choices, but it itself isn't a choice. Just as attraction isn't a choice, love, a feeling, isn't. The world would be a heck of a lot simpler if it was like that. A partner doesn't owe you anything? Really? Then there'd be no such thing as 'cheating'.

Revenge is just as petty as the cheating, itself. Its even more pathetic, as you're going out of your way to get it.

Revenge can be, but not necessarily. Retaliating, the topic here, can be, but not necessarily. Someone steals your wallet -- you retaliate. Is that petty and bad? Someone cheats on you, loves it, thinks they got away with it (haha!), and you burst their bubble in some way to not make them feel so great about it. Retaliating does Not mean doing the exact same thing back (although doing the exact same thing back may not necessarily be a bad thing). It's a foolish, immature attempt at "matureness" for one to think that the concept of retaliating is always immature and unfit. In fact, sometimes, given the right circumstances, one is immature and foolish NOT to retaliate in a certain way.

No, sorry, don't agree.

You don't agree with what? That showing them in 1 minute how you DIDN'T cheat on them -- you think is a bad idea? I think you're just disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing. :)

Cheating is wrong I agree, so is being called a ho, having your looks destroyed and being reduced to tears.

True, of course. He/She would be digging themselves a hole calling someone like that when they didn't cheat.

Call them out for cheating by all means but even then there are limits IMO.

I wasn't getting into that -- although if someone did Blatantly cheat -- this is a whole Other discussion I wasn't even pointing to: They likely should be bashed for cheating, bringing some to tears. But I wasn't arguing for or against that. Again, NOT showing the accuser that they're Wrong, especially when they are trying to being the other to tears adding on insults to their false accusation -- is complete Idiocy!

Your talking about a rational person who is unlikely to 'go off on one' unless they are 100% sure ie found them in bed together.

No, I'm not. Just because someone believes something too hastily and gets upset about it -- doesn't mean when Shown that they had nothing to get upset about, that they're going to be crazy. Letting them keep thinking that? REALLY Dumb thing to do. :)

The attack and slinging insults is extreme = irrational.

Not if they DID cheat and the insults were fitting to their (relationship) crime. If you found out your BF banged a bunch of chicks over the months at the bar in his "guys nights out" -- you wouldn't be irrational by calling him a male slut. Your irrationality would be jumping the gun that he did with info that at first glance Seemed like he did, when you didn't look further into it and let your emotion & "instinct" come to The conclusion that he did.

Assuming the girl is interested but not 100% aware yet - Flirting and buying drinks is highly likely to get the response of = yeah I want him. By kissing someone else (for me) is borderline = I did want him but ouch/not sure now??

I'm sure it'd be more like "Gee, she's not responding to me mingling & flirting with this gal 1-on-1 here... Ohhhh-kaaayyy, I'll kiss this gal then, and see how she likes it." But yeah, I can see witnessing a kiss would make one feel like they "lost" -- and don't want to then try and be a couple after they avoided it, as they'd then doubt the other person would still want it. Battles of pride ensue. So the person in the guy's position would have to be careful. For me, I would. I wouldn't want to be still be dating a gal who still wanted to explicitly keep "options open" after we've been dating a while -- unless she saw the light and reneged on it.

I agree he has done no wrong. But has he got what he wants?

That's the point: Right or Wrong. But, to answer your question in getting what he wants -- Possibly. Depends on his Exact tastes/desires in the situation. For me? Yes. I would want a fish-or-cut bait thing with the gal I'm dating who explicitly wants to keep the options open. If she saw me flirting and such with a girl, didn't say anything, then me kissing her, and didn't flinch -- and still wanted to be dating w/ no exclusivity -- fvck that. See ya. It'd be putting her/us in a fish-or-cut-bait situation, whether she bolted right then (but could ethically not be able to say I did anything wrong) -- or I did when she said that was cool. Or whether she came up to me and said "Okay, I get the message, yes, let's go exclusive, I'm an idiot for stretching this out," etc.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 378
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/23/2015 8:35:28 PM

I would never call him that EVER. I would be more inclined to throw hes clothes out of the window while he is in the shower. Much more impact IMO.

That would be worse - lol. Calling him a male slut would be a Correct and not an over-statement. The difference between throwing his clothes out the window while he's in the shower and calling him a male slut -- is one is Directly Applicable (and not untrue nor just name-calling) to call them out and put them in their place, and the other's just an behavioral reaction that's throwing a fit that's not applicable, and can shine poorly upon the victim in the bad person's eyes when they're searching for an excuse. That's the kind of retaliation -- although very deserving when it means clothes are thrown out -- that I would advise against, as many in the defensive position will want to think "See? See? This is the kind of person they are," in their defensive rationale to make it as close to acceptable as possible. Most at the end of the day will still get it and know they deserved it -- so that can be a good thing to do to help them think twice about it more as opposed to calling them what they are. Depends on the person.

As on the flip side, if he's PO'd that she called him a rotten male slut -- even amongst his buddies he can't say "Yeah, and my GF, sh!t... Yeah, I wasn't happy, yeah, I banged all those girls on my guys-night-out -- but calling me a male slut?" Ummm, yeah you do call someone that. She's calling a spade a spade. She's saying what you've been.

Or, more hopefully, you've gotten yourself the fairytale fantasy of two people who do actually like each other :)

Yeah -- the BEST result is her not flinching, but then walking over... and instead of saying "Okay, okay, let's be exclusive -- you got me," she says "NO... *THIS* is how you kiss a girl," and kisses HER! It'd be like "OOOOOOOOH! I like THIS brand of openness!" Best guy beer commercial ever.

But, what if she was feeling it but didn't let it show in that moment. You know she might want to discuss it in private the next day.

I wouldn't walk over to her and say "We're done!" However, if we did engage that night, it'd surely be mentioned briefly or talked about -- and if she's lying about how it affected her, see ya. Not necessarily saying "See ya" right then, but the mind would be made up. Probably would just ignore her unless any of her texts were confessional that it did in fact get to her and she wants to go exclusive.

But, you've decided to go 'ohhhhh kaaayyy' and kissed the girl, you might of lost the girl because you went too far too quick.

Too quick? She and I already had a Discussion about it -- and she said Yes -- we can still date/engage with other people. If I were to "lose" her because she didn't like seeing me with another girl, that she herself said was to be allowed for each of us -- then she's bat-sh!t crazy out of selfishness. That means she got upset about it -- which means that "openness" was purely for her own benefit to taste the sampler platter of dudes, and only wanted it 1-sided. Fvck that! :)
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 379
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/24/2015 11:45:12 AM

Why would I give any thought to this when I could be thinking 'shall I put ice in the bucket of cold water I am about to throw over him through said window whilst he is running around the front lawn butt naked trying to pick up hes clothes'.

You sound like you're arguing very much For Retaliation! :) My argument's always been retaliation, in the right way, can be Constructive (like proving someone wrong on false accusations; calling a spade a spade civily instead of tail-between-legs). But also retaliation Can be Constructive too, even emotionally -- as a "splash of cold water on one's face", figuratively speaking (or literally, in your example case). So to certain extents in certain situations, I can't argue against it. However, it becomes a game of "what's more effective".

Now do you think calling out 'I hope the hoar house appreciates the efforts Ive gone through to make sure you had a wash before your next visit' would be going too far???

Actually That would be not good to say. Because you're calling the girls he fools around with wh0res. That's not necessarily true. He's obviously deceitful to you, so he most Likely isn't telling them he has a GF, right? So they may not be bad people, let alone hos. That expresses Jealousy being mad at Them without knowing anything about them (unless it was a bunch of YOUR friends he was porking and you Knew they knew or something).

Massive under-estimation. People who act like that generally have a heap of excuses they will pull out to justify themselves.

Yeah, my point is -- they won't get support from Biased Friends, though. And even their own excuses won't last long. They can Reflexively fling the excuses at you in the heat of the moment in confrontation. That's what a lot of people do. But that does NOT at all mean they walk into the sunset over time thinking they did no wrong. They will think twice about doing that if there's Consequences. Because in the end, the victim to the wrong doing when reacting to the wrong-doer is to make them think twice about it in the end, which is the ultimate slap in the face. So even when they do Deserve something thrown at them, it may not be the most effective. For instance, say he did that, banging a lot of gals at the bar over the past few months on guys-night-out, which you just heard about while you're a live-in GF:

(a) Calling him a male-slut, calling a spade a spade & shaming him in a stern but not wacked out manner, but questioning him as a person and being disgusted, in a civil manner -- See Ya.


(b) Keying his car and throwing his sh!t out on the lawn

The problem with (b) is that too Much of something that's just generally attacking will give one more reason to believe they did something against someone who Was Bad, since it's not applicable to what they themselves did wrong. The good thing about (a) is that it's Not untrue, it's not "name calling" -- it's calling a spade a spade. It's applicable. It's not throwing in that the girls were hos -- there's no over-jealousy about you as you don't know those girls so you can't hate -- but he's a ho -- that's just straight up fact. It's not as big a slap in the face as (b), but doing it in the right way and dropping him like a fly right after is going to be no walk in the park for him. More importantly, he can't emotionally and irrationally diverge on complaining about any psycho gf as his primary focus. Although most guys will still think twice due to those circumstances of (b) -- they will still feel a lack of Guilt. Guilt, even though you cannot count on being a witness to observing it because they many times will not show it to you in that short-lived time -- is the Key to them Acting better. Ya know, do your part for society! :)

Well I hadn't actually had that discussion in my fantasy. All that had happened was we had gone on a few dates, I liked him but wasn't really aware of how much. Hed asked for commitment and I was lagging behind on it, he flirted with someone else them bang, I knew I wanted him.

My example was having the talk -- but she still wanting to be non-exclusive -- which is WHY he felt compelled to take action to test those waters, to show her how silly of an open-rule it was. What you described is a bit like that. If he asked to be exclusive and you denied him -- heck yeah, he should flirt with someone else. Not when Out with you, but if you happened to see one another at a bar, he shouldn't have to drop everything with someone else for you.

But yes, we more want what we can't quite have. Being wishy-washy on someone -- usually when we see they have a lack of interest in us (flirting with others) or others have an interest in them (others flirting with them) -- their stock price rises and want them more. :)
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 380
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 11/24/2015 1:59:59 PM

Exactly. So, by simply saying 'you cheated, its over' and meaning it = there is no name calling, there is no obvious retaliation, there is no drama, there is just the bare facts and 'its over'.

That is, albeit very minimal in that regard, retaliation. You're calling them out and dumping them.

However, it becomes a game of "what's more effective".
Yes it does.

And that is technically the point of the Constructive notion of retaliation. To make them not act like that again. You could do it also with the expense of yourself by doing something unrelated in retaliating (like keying a car), and even though it could be deserving and will make them think twice still, it risks Softening the blow to themselves internally (less constructive).

Because you're calling the girls he fools around with wh0res.
Well yes but I don't know them and they are not there so no harm done IMO.

Okay, even Eliminating things said behind-others-backs doesn't get around (which doing so too many times Will) -- the point is, you're Giving him something on that. You're taking away a bit of his wrong-doing, due to jealousy. That's the problem with retaliation and why many people believe one should avoid it too much -- is because things like That are said due to pure emotion. It shows the victim is irrational, bashing others -- which softens the blow of wrongdoing... not to mention the implication that the guy was also doing less chasing and there was more luring involved in his missteps. Not the most constructive. The main thing when retaliating is not giving the other person anything to feed off of semi-justification by going unrelated to their wrong doing.

Like hes going to give an accurate description of the interaction. I don't think so. But by throwing hes stuff onto the lawn means the neighbours will see and then hes up against their re-counts of what has happened.

Doesn't matter about giving you an accurate description. I'm saying his own inner guilt / excuses won't last long to him. Just because a guy or girl who cheats rather blatantly and offensively holds a stiff upper lip and acts like they didn't do that much wrong, doesn't mean they don't believe they did or that it won't sink in. It does at least more than those who put on an act. Just like picking up a girl many put on an act, breaking up many times has that too out of Pride. My point is, people like to say "Oh, it doesn't matter, nothing will/would get to him/her." Sure, if they're a huge heroin addict or something -- but generally speaking, even a-holes with issues are going to know/feel a lot more than they've led on, and thought processing will be had.

Retaliation without retaliation (I think that was my original point about 8 pages back now :)).

You just lobbied about throwing out his clothes on the lawn! That's hardly minimal retaliation - lol. Although, yes, it can be effective. But my point was that it's a mixture of lack of doing that again but also less guilt when being self defensive in one's own mind. Less regret down the line.

With one GF I had, I felt guilty about how I handled some of the stuff, and some things I said over time. However, although real pretty, man, was she not a bright girl -- and even though she was a social worker (my 1st mistake; never date a social worker - lol), she never applied that to real life and thought too highly of herself. And the way she handled the ending, even though I felt pain and all, it actually gave me peace of mind that she wasn't the right one for me anyway... and I'm glad I made mistakes with someone who was mistake-ridden herself. Live and learn. Point is -- when someone clearly did something wrong, you don't want to handle things wrong by giving them room to make excuses, even if it's softening the blow.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 381
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/3/2015 12:25:02 PM

I'm saying his own inner guilt / excuses won't last long to him.
Nope sorry don't agree. By the time someone is telling others their excuses they have already justified it to themself x 100.

No, not necessarily. However, my point is it that yes, it Can be too much -- if you did something Bad to them not in direct relation to what they did ("This crazy girl of mine threw all my clothes out on my lawn and called those GIRLS who she doesn't even know wh0res! OMG, hey I'm not perfect, but man, this just shows this girl's wack!"). Retaliating in a different way that doesn't give them room for that, by not acting purely on emotion like that, will severely limit their options if they were Clearly the ones who did wrong.

But with that said, here's the hurt-person's fallacy who refuses to do ANYTHING when hurt: They only get satisfaction if their SO shows remorse right in front of them. They falsely assume, even with their SO having emotional probs, that the SO will never even second-guess what they did and avoid doing it again, if they don't show it to their face. The hurt person is actually being Selfish and giving excuses to Themselves as to not confront. Doing the right thing and planting the seeds of doubt or regret usually doesn't happen instantly in front of your face necessarily (but can, see example of false accusation of cheating messages before). And selfish people don't care if they re-acted in a way that did at least put that person in position to Think Again before doing said thing to them. "Hey, if I CAN'T SEE my ex pause & balk at doing said type of thing again, show remorse, etc -- screw that!" and "Oh no, nothing will get thru to them," as if the world revolves around what You see in their reactions To You. Just because they're not going to do a 180 doesn't mean you didn't make a difference to some degree. But sometimes you can make a big wake-up call if you're lucky, and ethically while they can't blame you (again, example of false accusation of you cheating but you have proof it wasn't you on your phone after they went off on you). But you can't rely on those golden opportunities.

And mostly what goes on in this scenario is nothing more than lip service.

Not if done right. You can't base it on how they're acting in front of You and To You. Just like one may want to make excuses and will to soften or even eliminate their bad-guyness, the other person will want to believe Nothing can plant seeds of regret and make them think twice about doing that type of stuff, etc. Blowing up at them many times won't, especially if it's hazy and arguable about them doing something really bad, etc.

I was mearly giving you another possible scenario its always good to have more than one reaction to a problem IMO

Of course! Yeah, and that's my point. Our Emotions may be very one-way-to-reactish (pissed off! screw you!) -- but reacting in a way that's Relevant to the wrong upon you, and avoiding doing things that in the grand scheme of things that Yes they do deserve but will only give them fodder to justify them doing wrong in the first place.

The bottom line is that Retaliation (re-acting at them in response), it's focal point shouldn't be to hurt them back, even though our emotions Soooo want to do it. The focal point is to have them realize/feel they did something wrong. It shouldn't be expected to be a bullseye in most situations -- but the goal is to make them realize/feel regret. Going by the emotions alone to hurt-them-back CAN do that, but very inefficient, and can also backfire (especially if you believe they were more wrong than they were). That's why people say don't react/retaliate at all. Some situations you can't/shouldn't, and it's best. But not for all -- they all vary, and fitting reactions/retaliations vary from situation to situation. Sometimes even swallowing one's own pride. But you Don't want the "bad guy" to walk away optimally with their pride thinking how they've been wasn't bad at all or that bad, etc. That's the goal.

Luckily, the poor man who I did it too was very effective and just said 'if your going to be a psycho Im not going to see you any more', then he just stopped texting for a week or so. Simple and effective IMO.

Yes, exactly. Going OFF on you wigging out in response wouldn't do anything, even though you may have 'deserved' it. But deserving (or what one's emotions say they deserve in the moment) should never be the focal point. It should be to get thru to them as much as possible... to at least plant seeds of doubt within themselves for acting the way they do, etc... leading to regret doing what they did.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 382
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/4/2015 11:19:45 AM

Don't take things a face value in the heat of the moment, wait and watch for the outcome and see if you can see the difference. It also works in reverse for the person who has learnt to bow his head and say sorry in the heat of the moment. Doesn't mean he is, doesn't mean he will stop. You have to wait and watch for the change.

If you're talking still in the same situation in terms of stopping, seeing change -- you won't necessarily see a change. If you play calm, cool, and being logical about it to make sense, while not villifying him for being hastily angry, with many guys after a bit of time you will see at least a change in tone for the better (but not every guy is like that).

As a side note, what one shouldn't do is Bait them into getting angry to "be the bad guy". People will do this. It's a form of passive-aggressive. I've fallen for it with an ex before - lol. And I've been guilty too of bottling up angst and baiting the gal to continue to get angry to rack up "points" of her being in the wrong. Bad idea. In the end, I was guilty of being a bad guy too, even though I was the "cool, clam" one. One's aim should be to Actually resolve the situation if it's a fight, which requires them to see what's up in their wrong -- not just lashing out (that they may deserve, but only makes matters worse). When it comes to breaking up because they cheated or something -- it's to maximize the situation of them realizing that they were Wrong and you were a good decent person. It very well may not happen right then and there (which is why people say doing/saying anything 'never works'), but if you do it right, with most people, even those with emotional issues, will have at least some regret when it sinks in (but you won't be around to see that).

What I would hope is that after reflection he realised his mistake, he feels the loss because there was no drama and he will regret the cheating and hopefully wont risk it with another.

Yes, exactly. But when we're p!ssed, we don't want our emotions, our "gut", dictating how to handle it - lol. When we do, we almost Always don't handle it well to where their regret down the line is maximized and we were someone who was just (shrugging shoulders) a decent person.

What you would hope for is, she did nothing wrong and I cheated on her, she even handled it well when she found out. I hurt her now I feel crap.

Yes. When we're guilty of something, we look for the other person who's done some wrong to cling to some justification. Even though the other person wigging out at them isn't "unjustified", it just doesn't do what the other person will want in the end. You want to retaliate in the right way -- for them, at the end of the day, not have any ammo about the other person being a bad catch, doing anything wrong, etc.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 383
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/15/2015 9:49:35 AM

Well, I ment more like a couple of weeks possibly months before it hit home, ie 'you cheated, its over' 'ok, see ya'. He leaves. Its unlikely to hit home for at least a couple of months Im guessing.

A couple of months for it to hit home? I don't get it. It hits home when you find out, and you chew him out... where the theme of this thread is about how to go about it to get thru to them that they did wrong. Whether the relationship is Over -- I don't see a discrepancy in that. Just the cheater realizing that they were in the wrong, without any excuses to grab to justify it as much as possible (which is why ya don't go off on them in the wrong way to feed them BS excuses they could convince themselves of). Especially if they cheated, and the other ends the relationship -- they don't have to mull over it to realize that it's Over, is what I'm saying.

Yeah, my ex used to do that, its not nice. Not saying I was perfect, I could hurt him more in the heat of an argument, but I hated this.

Yes, it's a passive-aggressive move. It's not good. It's as bad, and sometimes Worse than just being real and going off at the person. At least that's real, and not playing BS mind games. When I have done that, I'd quickly switch gears to stop myself and go into more rational mode, so I wouldn't set the tone of fvcking with them -- and actually be objective and point out my wrongs, "I understand what you're saying here, and you're right when you say this, but x/y/z," etc. Point is, people don't count that faux "calm" move -- because they like using it and are convinced it's OK to do - lol. It's not -- many times it shows THEY'RE the bad guy/gal.

(but you won't be around to see that).
You don't need to be, you just need to know it will hit home at some point.

But in order to NEED to KNOW it WILL hit home with them at some point, almost always you would need to be around, directly or indirectly to see it. IMO, one needs to be confident it was done in a way that there's a darn darn good chance it'll hit them to some degree. That isn't good enough for some people -- as they would NEED to KNOW it WILL, so since they can't feel that they can, they just go off on them, giving that person reasons to not regret screwing them over. That's where the whole "never retaliate" mantra comes from. The assumption that's what retaliation purely is (which it's not; retaliation can be effective if done right; which = the other person having regret).

for the next woman that he goes out with. You pretty much wish he would go up in flames and don't care about hes long term happiness. But women/girls like to look out for each other, so would want to make the change for the next girl he dated.

I don't think it's so much about that. One form of retaliation is to be seen with someone else who's real cute and being happy. A lot of women are NOT going to want him to be happy as a clam with another woman -- that'd make her feel she Wasn't a great choice, but with that woman, it brings out the best in him. Same goes vice versa on gender. We'd like to see the now ex burn in flames a bit, yes. But at the same time, we don't want to see them screwing others over, no.

I think the main thing is that they have regret. When battling with it in their mind, at the end of the day, they can't escape that they did fvck up. Even if downplayed by their own defense mechanisms (which you don't want to fuel by going ape-sh!t / crazy when finding out), they still realize they were in the wrong... which, as a good by-product for society, yeah, they're going to be less likely to do a similar thing (at least to the extent they did to you).
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 384
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/16/2015 10:58:54 AM

Not always, people cheat for all kinds of reasons including not being happy with what you got only to find out that what you had was good.

I was talking about the "he leaves" part. Not a "he finds out what he did Was That Bad". Yes, that part can happen later. Takes a while to soak in. But as far as things being said, line being crossed, "see ya", that should be pretty in-the-moment, was my point. But yes, it can take a while to soak in and to realize it was That Bad -- which is why when one retaliates, they don't want to give the person ammo for falsely framing what they did and how they have seen their relationship.

She adviced that he just dumps hes responsibility and without going into detail, I qualify for some funding with the divorce under domestic abuse but not fully as it isn't violent. Probably more emotional really.

Well, that is what abuse is -- emotional. Even Most abuse that has physical aspects -- it's the Emotional pain. If you two went bike riding and he was a klutz and his wheel accidently knocked into yours, sending you flying off your bike and you hitting your head and bleeding -- that's much more physical pain than him slapping you hard in the face or shoving you against the wall and calling you a b!tch, right? One's much more physically hurtful than the other, one is extremely emotionally hurtful but physically not so much. That's where most of the physically-related abuse comes from -- where it's not the "ouch" hurt that brings the real pain. It's the emotional part. But, it doesn't take physical abusive actions or threats to bring big emotional pain either. Women of course do it to guys, too. But for guys, they're supposed to adjust their belt buckle and suck it up as if women are just grown-children types and emotionally inferior to men, hence to treat it like one's child is just f'ing with them or something (rolling eyes).

"Yeah, I have been banging that guy who works in your office. He actually has a d!ck that I can feel. I don't actually have to fake an orgasm to keep someone else's pathetic life semi-happy. I like a real man. The only mistake I made was moving in/marrying you." Yikes. A guy would rather have the guy in the office punch him in the face HARD than have that situation unfold!

What? Why do the NEED to KNOW it WILL? What they NEED to KNOW is, they are better off away from that person and to move on.

You were the one who mentioned it, so I was making the argument that no -- all one should aim for in responding/handling the other is to set things to Maximize the chances that the other will realize something. The reason some people bark to "never retaliate" is because they don't find the redemption in it IF they can't see the other person realizing right in front of them that they did wrong. Usually that other person, in the moment, is not going to show their cards if there is any to show, and is going to be defensive anyway. As you point out, it takes time to truly sink in. Which is why it's Good to retaliate in the Right Way, and Not to ride on it being effective right then & there (or some Need To Know It Will fully sink in the way they want, etc).

Then hes still got a hold over her and hes still controlling the situation. If he is with someone better to spite her, he isn't happy hes still caught up in her.

Well, I'm talking in the reference to the feelings of it. If he is happier, cooler, calmer, nicer, chiller, more romantic/affectionate, etc with a gal who he's an item with, it doesn't mean he's with her to spite his ex. The guy (or girl in a gender reversal situation) can be a better person with someone else after a bad situation. In FACT, if anything, oddly enough, if one stumbles across and sees their bad ex in a good relationship being better -- they very well may HAVE realized they were 'the bad guy' (never admitted it) and are at least more corrective.

No reaction (not to be confused with ignoring, ignoring is obvious retaliation) is best. Ie, you cheated, its over. No emotion, no reaction. Clear 'you cheated'='its over'. Nothing to cloud it, no arguments, no delusions creating. Nothing else. Very powerful IMO.

For many situations, yes. Obviously if you walk in on him pounding the housekeeper. Everything speaks for itself. And ignoring Could be a good retaliation if applicable. Ignoring to talk about the situation is still ignoring, of course. If one has no shared offspring and they don't live together with no belongings of much worth at the other's place -- then total ignoring can be a good retaliation if one's caught cheating. Every situation's different, though. But the point is to do to bring regret while also making sure as to Not give ammo for excuses for the other's defense mechanisms.
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 385
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/16/2015 6:11:13 PM
Wow. And you two have moved it from the kitchen table, to the garage, and then the attic. Whew!
Joined: 10/30/2012
Msg: 386
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/18/2015 10:15:24 AM
I really don't think anybody should judge you unless they've walked in your shoes . I probably would have told the wife too. I probably would've felt bad about it afterwards . Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings .
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 387
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 12/19/2015 11:30:32 AM

Wow. And you two have moved it from the kitchen table, to the garage, and then the attic. Whew!

Gina left. :(

I really don't think anybody should judge you unless they've walked in your shoes .

I disagree with this statement, and I think you do too. If a guy robs a bank, or even steals some stuff from a 711, he should be judged as someone who's doing something clearly wrong. I don't have to steal stuff from 711 to Not judge them. Otherwise in 99.9% of situations, it'd be wrong to have police judging you in doing something wrong (except speeding - everyone's done that - lol). :)

I probably would have told the wife too.

I would have too. The OP was in the perfect position to do so. I can't see how that's a controversy. I think most people Not wanting to do it is because they fear confrontation/drama (being chicken in this case).

Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings

Yeah, much of the time it is. It varies depending on the situation & the relationship and all that -- but yes, in the classical case where there's fighting or just the relationship being "blah" and drifting apart some -- it's a harsh way to know you're breaking up. They're basically Dumping you By Action. Being dumped Sucks. Being Dumped thanks to someone else getting wet & wild in the sheets behind your back, especially if it was an on-going thing -- Ouch.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 388
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 1/2/2016 3:28:17 PM

Totally agree with this, emotional abuse is as damaging as physical IMO.

Apart from close-to or permanent damage or something, it is the emotional abuse aspect OF physical abuse that is the pain. Spraining an ankle is going to bring more physical main than many many forms of physical abuse -- it's the emotional pain. Physical is one means to that end of abuse. Which is why abuse in and of itself is gender-neutral... as many guys will abuse gals greatly without even any threat of physical action.

Well except men do not have to adjust their belt buckle and suck it up. No they don't, as soon as they recognise it they should leave, same as anyone else.

Well, I was talking about the emotional back-lash in general of being treated like sh!t (abused). Guys unfortunately are supposed to take it mostly on the chin... yell and get angry about it (amongst buddies, not to the gal) -- and in short order, suck it up, and move on as you say. With a gal who's hurt for a while, it'd be incredibly thoughtless and rude for her to say "suck it up, move on." That was the comparison I was making. But yes, both parties Should roll toward sucking it up to some degree, and moving on (and out of relationship).

Yeah, some words leave there mark a lot longer than a bruise.

Oh, many many do! lol Not just words, but attitude, demeanor, how they treat the other.

Depends. I don't know anyone who split and got a 'better' partner, just a different one.

Ahhh, really though? What if they were the general 'good person' of the relationship, while the other person was the 'bad person'? Our emotions like to put things in B&W like that, which many times isn't the case fully, but many times they did find a better match, which brought the best out of them. One rule of thumb to remember is that when you're with someone who isn't a good match for a long time, it brings out the worst in you when you're not happy. Regardless though, I saw one gal who was treated like crap -- they weren't a good match -- but found a better guy. Another time, a gal who treated the guy like crap -- they weren't a good match -- but found a better guy and was a better gal after some time with the newer guy. Many times though, in the rebound-effect, they will have a short-term dating relationship with someone new for the sake of it, too. But if it was a really bad match in the previous Relationship they got out of, many times it isn't any better or worse... and sometimes somewhat better if the previous Relationship was really bad.

But if he went all out to be seen with a more attractive, better, nicer one 'to spite' the ex or to 'prove' that he wasn't the bad one in the relationship then hes either still into the original one or hes got issues IMO.

I think many people are still hurt over a recent breakup if the other was a bad person. So yes, they still have issues (baggage). Even if they were or weren't the heavily favored "bad person" in the relationship. They can be motivated to meet someone else to "prove" they've moved on (as some 'non-retaliation' advice given here suggests), to both themselves and to their recent ex through the grapevine (or in person if they share the same places they hang out at).

Two really good people can get caught in a dysfunctional relationship, both could move onto new partners and both could find happiness there even if the original relationship was wrong or abusive.

But in those situations, most of the time of said dysfunctional relationship, there's going to be a biased-to-some-degreee good-guy/bad-guy scenario, too. As I was rambling about just before, a dysfunctional relationship will bring out the worst of both people. That's how they are -- in a dysfunctional relationship. Now, of course, some people are just bad people altogether. They could be not-as-bad in a relationship that fits them well, and are, well, just bad people - lol. Yes, no shortage on that... even though we'd LIKE to think all our ex's who did bad things are purely one of those types. And I think that's the thing -- some people DON'T want to see their ex's, who hurt them, be Happier elsewhere -- even if they made better adjustments in life/relationships after the fact and have learned. We'd rather have them suffer failure with others, even though that's not always the case.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 389
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 1/3/2016 11:44:55 PM

I think it varies from person to person. Im scarred by a physical attack, knowing the damage a man could do to me still freezes me in fear and gets me checking out the nearest exit. But yes, in a lot of cases, the emotional abuse does as much damage IMO.

My point was that the damage to you WAS the emotional part. Physical attacks bring emotional damage. Emotional damage doesn't have to come from physical attacks is also another point.

I think the confusion comes in when identifying what is abuse and what is emotional. Just because something is emotionally painful doesn't always mean it is abusive.

Yes, you'll see it in dating a lot. If we get emotionally hurt by someone's decision/feelings about us, and there's really no "bad guy", many of us will make it so to some degree or another to cope with it. It makes it easier to think of an ex as a bad guy, not a good catch missed out on (or something realistically closer to that). :)

Are they? who exactly is making men take it on the chin? This hasn't been my experience at all. Mostly what I see is men setting there own standards on what they will accept and generally if a girl is verbally abusive she is avoided/they end it clear and quick.

Taking it on the chin meaning not Crying about it, is what I meant. Girls will leave a guy just as easily. Guys can stay with the gal due to attachment issues. That's not a rarity. Men & women will up and go, or stick around. That's another story, and wasn't what I was talking about. I was talking about how you're "supposed" to handle it emotionally. My point is that guys are 'raised' not to cry about it and emotionally take it with a stiff upper lip... while gals tend to be 'raised' by society to cry it out and it being OK to sulk in it (due to women being emotionally 'weaker' by assumption; raising people that way Will make them emotionally weaker tho)... while for guys, it's too far sided on the emotion-less side.

Exactly, a better match. Doesn't mean its a better person, better looking, more successful ect.

It can... and you can't expect them to be a lesser person. :)

Are they still going to be good people or is the strain going to show a bit?

That's when the rubber meets the road. You want someone who isn't just palatable during good times. When times get tough, that's when the true litmus test of compatibility shines through. Now, if it gets survival-tough, that shouldn't be the litmus test so much... but more like things not "going well" financially, or during sad times, etc.

Most people who break up can recognise where they went wrong as well as where the other person went wrong. Generally I would guess they would see it as 'we weren't compatible', not I was the good one he was the bad one?

Ideally, yes. But I don't think most people who break up have an objective view out it, due to the emotional impact. Whether it be emotionally justifying dumping them even though the other person was a nice good person, but, shoot, she just gained a lot of weight, wasn't as fun any more, and ya lost attraction... and/or becoming attracted to others. One's going to want to feed off of more "real" issues, so those things will be magnified as justification, so as not to look like the "bad guy". And the person being dumped many times wants to believe the other person was as big of an A-hole as could be thought of... and think they're 'objective' by pointing out some positive qualities, but in the end, they need enough Bad to make them feel like it wasn't that they weren't a good enough partner. When living together, or obviously married -- you just can't up and go. So before all this, sub-conscious things will cause drama by the person who isn't happy anymore or happy as they want to be, as they know they can't just "get out"... so it drones on for a long time until finally the metal in the spoon bent over and over again finally breaks and it's due to all the stuff when fighting (started because they weren't happy anymore and couldn't just 'leave').
Joined: 11/15/2015
Msg: 390
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 1/14/2016 9:40:54 PM
I had a car come into my shop with cheating****scratched into the paint plain as day. We actually got to talking about it as it was quite the conversation piece as she admitted she made that mistake. She looked really embarrassed. So I said I couldn't do the job when I could and directed her to the nearest shop about 5 miles away. Called the manager of that shop to turn her away and continue the cycle. Hopefully she was driving around all day with that great billboard:) I guess I should have told her I had been cheated on and think cheaters are the scum of the earth.

Cheaters are very despicable and damaging people. I find that cheaters have not just done it once, but more than. The reason they continue with this behavior is that they get away with it all too often. They damage all notions of trust, make you become emotionally vulnerable, cause psychological depressions, and in extreme cases; suicide! This is why they are scum!! Karma doesn't always work in most cases. They got what they want moving forward while you spend your precious time recovering.
Joined: 2/6/2015
Msg: 391
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 1/23/2016 6:31:40 PM
This guy did it awesome!
After catching her in bed with another guy.

He should have gotten a medal, not an arrest.
Wish I had his courage! (unblurred video)
Man arrested after forcing girlfriend to walk naked down NYC sidewalk: police

HARLEM — Police say a 24-year-old New York City man punched and choked his girlfriend, then ordered her to walk through the streets wearing only a towel as he videotaped her.

The video, which also shows the woman naked on the street, wound up online, and news media ran it with her body obscured. In the video he can be heard calling her a "b****" and a whore. After ripping off her towel and leaving her completely exposed, she tries to hide herself near some trash cans and he says, "The price of being a cheater, right there in the garbage, exactly, pose with your garbage."

Jason Melo is awaiting arraignment in Manhattan on assault charges. He was arrested Wednesday after his 22-year-old girlfriend filed a report. It's unclear if Melo has an attorney who could comment on the charges.

The woman says he threatened to kill her if she didn't go out in the towel.

Melo, who has a young daughter with his girlfriend, said on Instagram that he feels "bad as a man" but that others would have done "something crazier" if they went through what he did.
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 392
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 1/23/2016 6:36:02 PM
^^^^^ I'm sure Ghandi would approve
Joined: 2/6/2015
Msg: 393
How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 1/23/2016 8:21:04 PM
Gandhi wore a diaper, and was afraid of cows.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 394
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How would you retaliate when cheated on?
Posted: 3/11/2016 1:34:21 PM

Never retaliate. It will only turn around and harm you.

I disagree as that being an absolute. Retaliate, not to quell your anger, but to teach them a lesson where it doesn't indicate any negative blowback upon you or others. Retaliation doesn't mean doing something out-of-bounds.

Accept cheating as that person's choice

We all know it's the person's choice. But to be accepting of it as Merely a choice they made that they shouldn't have -- like eating too many treats that day out of the cupboard would be too accepting of the notion. If one treats it as such, it will reinforce in one's head that it's not all that bad.

An analogy to what I mean is in a different situation: Guy and girl aren't going steady, but are starting to see each other. They're out, they're both mingling and post-obvious-flirting, she's getting a guy's # right beside him. WTF? Why do (very few) girls occasionally do this, even when they like the guy they're out with? Because they don't see a level of wrong. They see it as maybe a little rough around the edges, but not a Wrong -- not a rule breaking. Why only that? Because they haven't experienced it the opposite way and believe they're just looking out for their own needs / no biggie -- all while never experiencing any negative repercussions that outweigh doing stuff like that. If the guy she was out with drove her there, he could just walk and leave her... or even if he didn't drive her there, afterwards act like he didn't notice or cared much, tell her he's going to the bathroom, and he just leaves, and afterward texts her to "Nice to see you flirting & getting a guy's # with me in the room with you. Get lost,", and blocks her off his phone.

Not "retaliating" means not doing anything in response. Several times one's not going to be in position to do much in response and that sucks. Sometimes people will do too much out of emotion, which sucks also. But sometimes one can do something just that carries effect to it, and it's Best to carry that out. Peacefully telling her you don't think that's cool, and politely asking her to rip up the # or that you are obliged to leave is many times not going to have an impact on folks. Again, it doesn't mean you should go ape -- as that is the backfiring you're talking about. But something just that carries an optimal effect is the best method, if available.
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