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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 26
Homophobia -- the DealbreakerPage 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Every time I host a POF social a mass email is sent out. It clearly states in a highlighted box why the person is getting the email and what they need to do in order to stop receiving these event invites in the future. I can count on getting at least 50 emails from homophobic men letting me know they aren't gay, cussing me out for sending them an email or making threats.

I can imagine what I would get if I was gay. It's like they are threatened or something. I don't even understand the anger these people have. Typically I ignore these emails although a couple I write back and explain there misunderstanding. The irony of it is I'm trying to invite them to a party to meet WOMEN. Good grief. If I didn't invite the men I'd have some awfully pissed of women when I got there.

I don't blame you for making it a dealbreaker. To ome it indicates a lot of other issues the person has.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 27
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:26:15 PM

I don't even understand the anger these people have.


There are a lot of clueless people out there. I get these same types of emails from men in my area and I have always understood exactly what they were.
 massha
Joined: 7/20/2010
Msg: 28
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History
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:51:20 PM

Keep in mind, the more dealbreakers listed in someone's profile, the less likely I am to make contact (regardless of whether the dealbreaker applies to me). People just sound overly picky when they proclaim all of these things you can't be in order to contact them.

Me too, me too! I don't want to feel like I have to pass all sorts of tests to qualify and prove my "innocence" of whatever transgressions/bad habits/whatever the other party does not want. Hypothetically speaking, even something like "thin women need not apply" would make me pause and think twice.
 starofgaia
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 29
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/27/2012 3:27:24 PM
Homophobia is a dangerous scourge to society. By all means, mention it clearly, but succinctly and not too elaborately; you needn't explain anything more than what is deserved by complete strangers.

Best wishes.
 tuloa942
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 30
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/27/2012 3:36:55 PM
"I grew up with homophobia and racial prejudice and accepted those as truth as all kids do."

Not all children who grow up surrounded by prejudices accept those things as truth. As you can see by my previous post, I didn't. Because of my home life, I tried to be away from my own house and spent a lot of time in the homes of my friends so was exposed to many views and lifestyles. I also watched a lot of television and read a lot of books as a way to cope and so again was exposed to many views and lifestyles. I was able to see that there were other ways to live. I was very fortunate in that way.

I raised my children to understand that people are people and should all be treated respectfully. I'm proud to say that they both have friends of many ethnicities, races, beliefs, and sexual orientation. I'm also proud to say that their friends are also creative, kind, funny and just really good people. (Hey, if I don't toot my own horn, no one else will! lol)
 TheL0grus
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 31
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:55:49 AM

I suppose the obvious thing to do is just state in my profile that homophobia is my dealbreaker.


Might I recommend that if you do mention this being a deal breaker, that you do it in a dignified manner. I have seen several "If you are a lying piece of !#@^% then don't message me." comments on profiles and well I just see an angry person that has issues getting over the last guy and it makes me want to avoid that line of fire. Just a suggestion. Please take it in the spirit of polite suggestion.
 tuloa942
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 32
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/28/2012 6:23:39 PM
There is more tolerance now then in the past but there is still a LONG way to go.

Wrandy, I was a hippie wanna-be. I dressed the part and felt the part but I was too afraid of my mother to have actually done drugs and free love. She would have KILLED me! lol I do wish I had been a little more defiant because then I would have made it to Woodstock which was only a few hours away. I will always regret missing that!

I look back at documentaries about the 60s and early 70s and it was such a time of hope and turmoil. It was a wonderful, forward thinking time. But, I also would not want to go through all the turmoil again. The Kent shootings (my boyfriend attended Kent at that time), the riots which we also had in Rochester NY where I grew up, the assassinations, etc.

I think the sit ins and "Be-ins" and other peaceful demonstrations were and still are the way to go. I admit that I've been proud of some of the youngers taking part in the Occupy movements, the ones who have been doing it "properly." Using violence just begets violence. Karma really CAN be a b1tich!

Okay, now I'm feeling old! lol
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 33
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 3:00:52 AM

I suppose the obvious thing to do is just state in my profile that homophobia is my dealbreaker. Is that any different than stating "no smoking"? Somehow it seems much more personal


Yes. It is much more personal. It is a dealbreaker for me too, so I placed it in my profile. Several people have commented in a positive manner on my profile, so I am satisfied that I let my limits be known without being too over the top.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 34
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 6:47:33 AM
It’s in my profile too, not as a deal-breaker but as a clear statement of my personal attitude toward homophobia, racism, and sexism.

And as an attitude, homophobia does tell us something more personal about another than their smoking does. They might hate their habit, they might be trying to quit, their addiction may be in conflict with their personal values.

But attitudes like homophobia, racism and sexism are a direct expression of personal values and beliefs. When I hear disparaging stereotypes about other sexual preferences, other races or the opposite sex (or even their own) as I often do here on these pages, I know our value systems are radically at odds.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 35
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 2:05:00 PM
Op, I sooo feel your pain--my oldest child is a transgender and I live in the bible belt where HATE is so strong. I have found that for some people if you put something like that in your profile they will later on not acknowledge having read it --so I actually bring it up in one of the first conversations --that way it is spot on and you get the correct reaction to how they feel--most say really funny things like one man goes, "this girl at work has a son is gay!!!"


Most really do not seem to have an issue but then it isn't something they are actually seeing --so please understand saying it isn't a big deal and then coming face to face with it --might make it a big deal.

You wont ever eliminate someone from doing that and with as many men wanting threesomes telling someone your best friend is a lesbian is going to open up a completely different can of worms as they say.

If you write to someone and then in the course of conversation tell them your situation--then it is up to them to decide if they are still interested or not--by mentioning it in your profile it makes it have more meaning than it should--imho.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 36
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History
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 4:05:43 PM
It has been really uplifting to me to read the posts here -- that there really people in the world who don't "hate just for the sake of hating" -- be it because of a person's skin color, religion, or sexual orientation.

Maybe the progress and hope of the 1960's is still alive in many of us!
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 37
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 5:16:33 PM

I live in the bible belt where HATE is so strong.

This is one of the great paradoxes for many of us who watch the US from a distance.

Why do so many people over there go to church on Sunday and profess to be Christian, yet behave so viciously and selfishly towards others? Worse still, they wield so much political influence over there.

Being inclusive, showing empathy and leaving people alone to live their lives in peace always works better I think.
 PinkZombies
Joined: 12/20/2011
Msg: 38
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 8:24:28 PM
You're right Bloke, most churches here promote intolerance. Whether or not pastors preach it directly from the pulpits, the message is clear. I used to be a Christian, so I know.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 39
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 8:47:25 PM
So--I have members of my family who are homosexual. Unfortunately, even though I was very clear early on about homophobia being a dealbreaker in my last relationship, it ended up being one of the reasons why it ended. I find myself very wary as I read profiles--perhaps not initiating a message even if I'm attracted by aspects of the profile--because certain religions tend to have very specific views on homosexuality. I know that I am making assumptions that I shouldn't, but I have been deeply hurt in the ending of this previous relationship and the realization that people say things that they don't mean about extremely important issues. I suppose the obvious thing to do is just state in my profile that homophobia is my dealbreaker. Is that any different than stating "no smoking"? Somehow it seems much more personal.

Your thoughts?

Instant deal-breaker for me. I don't view others in judgment based upon religion, however. I know plenty of homophobes and some are agnostic, some atheist, some Muslim, some Christian, etc., etc. I do realize that many religious sects are opposed to homosexuality, but I try to be open about the person rather than the religion. Case in point? My BF is Catholic. He is, however, pro-choice. That clearly goes against the grain of his religious beliefs, but he's someone that prefers to make his own opinions rather than to let his religion make his mind up for him. On the other hand? I met a man some years ago that was "non-religious" and about an hour into conversing it came out that he was a ragingly homophobic. After I got my mouth closed and the "OMFG, am I hearing this???" look off my face, I ended the evening. He actually left me a voicemail and said he just couldn't believe how intense the chemistry was between us. HUH? Me nearly running out of the restaurant spoke of mutual chemistry? Clearly he was on a different date than I was.

This is one of the great paradoxes for many of us who watch the US from a distance.

Why do so many people over there go to church on Sunday and profess to be Christian, yet behave so viciously and selfishly towards others? Worse still, they wield so much political influence over there.

Being inclusive, showing empathy and leaving people alone to live their lives in peace always works better I think.

I'm watching it from right in the center of it. Truly saddens me. All of this professing to love thy neighbor on Sunday (and Wednesday evenings for those who need to repent for their sins twice a week) and then just hate hate hate all the other days of the week. Just makes no logical sense to me. JMO
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 40
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 10:21:46 PM

This is one of the great paradoxes for many of us who watch the US from a distance.

Why do so many people over there go to church on Sunday and profess to be Christian, yet behave so viciously and selfishly towards others? Worse still, they wield so much political influence over there.

Being inclusive, showing empathy and leaving people alone to live their lives in peace always works better I think.


One of the worst things was when my daughter worked at Sonic and there was this huge church a few blocks away and Sunday after the church service was over people would come there with their kids in the car to get food or ice cream and they would call Sonic and ask for the manager and make up a lie to try and get my child fired (one crazy lady actually said she saw my daughter lick her elbow --like that is possible!)---they lied right in front of their child after leaving church and the manager would say--"Sorry you are lying--that my child was one of the best they had and they prefer them not to come back."

Hate is so strong here--a few times it has broken my heart to see the way people respond--the stares, the pointing --the slurs, whispering --just cause she exists--and so few realize how much it takes to be true to yourself--who you really are --vs going along with what is expected and then behind closed door pretending to be who you are when no one else can see--Im very proud of her for having the conviction to be herself especially in the face of all the hate.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 41
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 10:13:52 AM
Another ...lets hate religious people post !, the fact is, the hate is just as strong on both sides ,..just different haters

OP, Anyone with a lick of common sense , would just move on until the found someone who shares common values ....
...... instead of posting a topic , to give haters a place to post insults and condescension... all the while claiming their morals are superior... Insisting, forcing and calling names to the people who won't adopt THEIR ideal of morality .... those people are just idiots ,morons bigots, homophobes rednecks etc. ...... (oh I'm sorry OP,..did he call your homosexual friend a name)

The hypocrisy here.. is staggering
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 42
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 12:51:34 PM
i agree it is much more personal. so u should not put it in ur profile.
It is NOT like a disease or something. If you meet a guy/girl and you date you should NEVER have to explain the sexual preferences of people u have connected to u in your life?
If that issue comes up and they have a problem with it...then you know you are better off when the door hits them in their arse!!
and lastly, do not feel as you need to share your who;e life with some one in your profile.
I want to know the basics about you...your foundation...and if you have money or not!! hehehe
 grtlips
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 43
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 1:34:00 PM
A gay friend of mine told me that he considered the very homophobic men to be the ones that questioned their own sexuality. I think there is a lot of truth in that. Fear of owning up to what you feel.

I don't think you need to make a statement in your profile about it. If a guy is straight he may make a remark about gays, it doesn't mean he hates them. I don't understand vegetarians, but I don't hate them, I might make a vegetarian joke but it isn't about hate. You can accept people different from yourself and still wonder about what makes them tick. We can be ultra-sensitive sometimes. I can comment on peoples choices that are not my own and the remarks are not hate inspired. It is like all things in dating you have to be with someone a while to understand them.

I work with a lot of gays, I work in Hollywood. I am not gay, and I don't totally understand that orientation but I don't think less of guy because he is gay. But as a straight you also realize that a lot of women here on POF are bothered by guys only being interested in sex. Because that is true. We are wired that way. That is testosterone, it makes you think about sex a lot. Then you know that guys who like guys are potentially really into you as well. We already know how guys think. Now there is no female filter added. That can weird you out sometimes.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 44
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History
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 2:27:17 PM
Yes, homophobia would be a dealbreaker for me. It's an interesting issue OP. I don't have it in my profile and it hasn't been an issue with anyone I've met on-line. I think the way my profile is written says I'm am politically left, so I assume sexist, homophobes weed themselves out.

I actually have had a serious falling out with my brother over this issue. My brother is an ultra- right wing Christian, and I am on the left of the social justice end of the political spectrum. In the early 80's, during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic (before medication) I shifted my professional focus and got involved in AIDS work. My brother, who barely tolerated my professional focus (before my AIDS involvement) went ballistic. At every family gathering, he would make a point of telling me and everyone around, the work I did, and how gay people should die of AIDS, because...blah. blah.blah. I told him that he could think whatever he wanted, but not to act this way with me. He said that what I was doing was 'evil' and he needed to 'help'. Needless to say, we haven't spoken since. Recently, his daughter, who I am close to, tried to bridge the dynamic by talking to her father about this. So, he sends me a letter, saying that he isn't as harsh as he used to be, that he's 'met' a few gays. BUT, the 'gay thing' wasn't a big issue anyway, since god was going to take care of 'them' anyway.
Needless to say, my brother's perspective on gays was a dealbreaker in our familial relationship.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 45
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 3:45:05 PM
Homophobia is definitely a major deal breaker for me, as our personalities simply would not mesh. Homophobia stands for personality traits I do not care to deal with i.e. intolerance, ignorance and narrow mindedness just to name a few.

OP, if you feel strongly about it, put in your profile that open mindedness, tolerance etc are very important for you and then name homophobia and a few other things as negative examples.

But please, we all know that despite whatever you write in your profile, there never is a guaranty that homophobic won't contact you.
 onehappyfellow
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 46
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 4:22:43 PM
OP I congratulate you on your principles and ethics. I would not mention it in your profile, only makes you a target for others. Homophobia is best dealt with on a one to one basis. Deal with it when it comes up.

Now I will go back and eliminate the no pets mention in my profile. I don't hate pets but after almost two decades as a patient advocate and care giver for my late wife I am trying to simplify my life and pets do not simplify. So many people jump to the erroneous conclusion that hate pets when hate does not exist in my emotional vocabulary.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 4:31:41 PM
I don't understand people who are "intolerent" of certain traits, yet contact people who have those traits. I guess they are so arrogant that they think they can "fix" someone or change his or her mind. I've been contacted by white guys who state they don't like black people......HELLO.....I AM A BLACK WOMAN. And neither you nor I can "fix" or "change" that....nor would I want to.

I think it's the same way with homophobics.
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 10/17/2014 6:09:04 AM

Another ...lets hate religious people post !, the fact is, the hate is just as strong on both sides ,..just different haters

OP, Anyone with a lick of common sense , would just move on until the found someone who shares common values ....
...... instead of posting a topic , to give haters a place to post insults and condescension... all the while claiming their morals are superior... Insisting, forcing and calling names to the people who won't adopt THEIR ideal of morality .... those people are just idiots ,morons bigots, homophobes rednecks etc. ...... (oh I'm sorry OP,..did he call your homosexual friend a name)

The hypocrisy here.. is staggering


I think you exaggerate.

The OP has a reasonable question. And we all have the right to give her our opinions, and talk about our experiences and how we might handle it.

deere_rancher, I noticed in your profile, are you looking for a "sweet girl"? There is a connotation with that term. I am a woman... and I don't think of women as 'girls', and disrespect of me as a woman, would be a deal breaker.



Now I will go back and eliminate the no pets mention in my profile. I don't hate pets but after almost two decades as a patient advocate and care giver for my late wife I am trying to simplify my life and pets do not simplify. So many people jump to the erroneous conclusion that hate pets when hate does not exist in my emotional vocabulary.

Perhaps a bit of clarification in your profile about pets would be better. You can say you love pets or love animals and you've had many in your life, and further indicate you're trying to simplify your life now by having no pets.

It's like loving grandchildren. You can have them for the weekend, love them, and send them back home to Mom and Dad.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 10/17/2014 7:36:51 AM

deere_rancher, I noticed in your profile, are you looking for a "sweet girl"? There is a connotation with that term. I am a woman... and I don't think of women as 'girls', and disrespect of me as a woman, would be a deal breaker.


Does that mean you would dislike about 90% of the songs on the radio, where women are referred to as either "babe" or "baby"? I never understood why a grown woman is referred to as an infant as well.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 10/17/2014 8:08:33 AM

I love it when my boyfriend (yes boyfriend, not manfriend) refers to my grown daughters and I as 'the girls'. I am his 'girlfriend'. He bought me a girls' bicycle last week. I like being his 'babe'.

What I dislike are word police. I find it disrespectful when one imposes their judgement on another for a cultural use of words rather ideas or actions.

I love boys who love girls. Been that way since I was 5 years old and still that way as I approach 60.

If I ask my 3 year old granddaughter if her mommy is a boy or a girl...even she knowns that mommy is a 'girl'. She, mommy and grandma are 'girls '.
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