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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Why do they underestimate me?      Home login  
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 Spidernz
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 26
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Why do they underestimate me?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
" I've seen people say on these forums millions of times that not having a car is a real deal-breaker."

This i find quite ridiculous, i don't have a car myself, but sure as could go buy one tomorrow if i need, but i don't need it where i live so i don't have one. but none the less knowing that people will see your profile and be like oh no car and pass you over, i put one on there, later when talking i could explain why i don't have one. It's a lie but its about selling your self right?

With the job part, are you a student, or working or employed part time, or unemployed. This is important because it shows many things of who you are, (ie that your responsible, contributing member to society etc) and especially for a women/girl is that you can afford to take care of them.
Even if its a crappy supermarket job it means alot still.

I know what your talking about Matt, i know what you mean. But don't give up and fight it.
I would suggest like many others here that you should work on yourself, rather than worrying about women. I moved to a new city specifically for that reason, because i needed to reinvent myself, i didn't end up doing that but because i realized much of me was already pretty good, so takes what good and just make the rest of you better.

Join a gym or something, i did that this week, found out the fitness classes consist of mostly girls and their good looking too, scared the shit out of me (i have a really difficult time talking and making friends with females, even more so with ones i like), so I'm getting one of my female friends to come to the classes with me, why?
Makes you approachable and will help build confidence when your in an environment your not use to.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/13/2012 8:26:56 AM
^ Having a car *does* matter, *depending* on where you live. If you live in a city with decent public transportation or its easily 'walkable', it shouldn't matter all that much especially early on. On the flip side, where I live - well, lets just say the closest grocery store to me is 5+ miles, it kinda necessitates a vehicle to do almost anything.

As for the OP, dude, you seem horribly unconfident of yourself, your profile sounds like you're putting yourself down over and over, and I read what you've posted and you sound like you're seeking "approval" from everywhere but yourself. Stop it! While I can understand, everyone finds it "nice" to get 'approval/attraction' from others, if you rely on it for your own self-worth you will be continually disappointed. You need to be comfortable with *yourself*, and that will exude confidence - in a way, yes, almost a "I don't care what anyone else thinks" attitude. Heck, reality is, we're usually our *own* worst critics - I've got a little bit of a 'gut', certainly not '6-pack abs', I'm balding, certainly not everyone's "cup of tea", but y'know - I am who I am, and while I can see my 'flaws' in myself I don't dwell on them to the point of being miserable (and never did really). If you spend your live living based on 'what other people think', you're going to forever be miserable - live your life for *yourself*, do what makes you happy... and y'know what, by doing that you're far more likely to meet people (doing what you like) that have similar interests.

A relationship is nice, but stop trying to make it the 'be all, end all' of your existence, because its not, it can be a lot of work - its not just a 'pill to make you happy'. If you aren't happy without one, quite honestly, you probably will never *truly* be happy in one, because you don't really know who you are, you're too busy defining yourself by "the relationship". And don't get me wrong, a relationship can be a wonderful way to expand who you are (both of you), but its not going to magically "fix all your woes", and its a mistake to see it as that. Be who you are, learn who you are, learn to be ok with who you are - and you'll attract people who find *your* qualities attractive. Your profile right now reads like "I don't know who I am, and I'll contort myself into pretzel twists to try and be whatever you want me to be because I have no self". That is never attractive.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 28
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 1:28:35 AM
I grew up in a world where I was never a normal person to them but I came to Red Deer to escape from that so I can find myself. I want to find a future for myself but I always get off and on a job. I try to give the world my absolute best but they are never satisfied with what I do for them. I've learned that no matter how far you try to escape your past, it will always be 10 steps ahead.

The only time I can find myself is silence so I can think about my characteristics but I joined POF so that I can know that there is at least one person in the world that truly cares. I don't expect any fairy-tale crap to happen but I expect someone to be searching for me as I'm searching for them. No matter where I turn however, I always end up in the worst situations or back to square 1.

I never lie to anybody, that is my way of life. I am an honest individual that will do whatever it takes to survive in this hellish world. I can't go to a gym cuz I don't have spare cash to make that happen. All I desire is one girl to tell me that I shouldn't have to worry, while holding me :(. I know that it's a selfish desire but it's what I crave when I feel that all is lost for me. I may be young but I have experienced this for far too long. I want redemption!
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 29
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:00:09 PM
I have been getting counselling, but I haven't gotten explored my entire self yet. I will look for that part of me, but I require encouragement. The Army is not for me, but I do know that there are lives being sacrificed for the good of freedom. I have suffered greatly somehow in my life and I want to find that before finding someone. I know that finding that one girl isn't the answer to any of my issues but just knowing that I have someone that truly cares is all I want to feel, while searching my past to understand what I have become after all these years.
 Rob3444
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 30
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:38:47 PM

Join the Army!


He's 20 years old dumblonde.
He's depressed how's that selfish. Everything you said to him is that same old crap some people use over and over again.
Useless information, passed down from a nasty time period.

Listen to all advice OP if it sounds helpful and never listen to old school others are in the military nonsense. The world is full of people that through no fault of their own have to work certain things through. Forums are a good start.

What cover me said I would say was excellent advice.
 MrDubStep
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 31
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:47:24 PM
REAL! ladies care more about personality then looks dude, You should know this already.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 32
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 10:42:24 PM
I realize that I do need to add more information about me because there isn't enough about myself for anybody to understand what I'm like. I just want to know that I have a chance like anybody else in the world. I will try to get more photos and add more information about me. Absolutely nobody calls me pathetic! Just because I'm in need of acceptance from somebody does not make me pathetic at all. We all have needs in this world and I do understand that there are more needy people but I have to help myself first before I can help anybody else out. I know it sounds a little selfish, but I just want to solve this problem that I've had all my life. I will try to make things better on POF because maybe my profile isn't attractive enough.
 Rob3444
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 33
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 12:08:44 AM
@dumbeblonde I don't see anything beautiful in anything you say it all makes me cringe and my skin crawl.

@Matt There is nothing wrong with trying to find a girlfriend and ask questions about it. Old people that refer to their grandmother and count your blessings are just plain stupid!

There is nothing pathetic about people talking and helping each other out but dumbeblonde is pathetic for being so nasty. We don't have to tolerate straight out rudeness and nastiness from that group of zombies.


 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 34
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 8:01:53 AM
I do want to thank everybody so far for all the advice I have been given, except for the troll aka Dumbeblonde. I have fixed my profile for a bit but I just need some recent photos of myself so my profile can look a little better. Any ideas of what kind of photos I should post?
 Blackout478
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 35
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 3:38:46 PM
I can honestly see why you are being rejected. Not trying to be mean, but you sound pathetic. We all face rejection in life. If you aren't attractive to one women so what move on and find another. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Some men actually look better to women b showing self confidence.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 36
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/23/2012 2:57:52 PM
I get rejected everywhere I turn. It's more difficult than it appears to be. Only reason why I'm considered pathetic in your eyes is cuz you haven't failed multiple times. Perhaps I may be wrong but enough about bashing each other, the real picture that we are all looking here is that I just need to improve my self confidence and my profile on POF. I'm sorry for my behavior in this comment but I will try to work on myself a little.
 Rob3444
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 37
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/23/2012 3:14:54 PM
You're not pathetic in anyway. Your able to ask for help and will change, if you keep trying. There are not nearly
enugh social workers and shrinks around to help all the people that need some help. A lot has to do with brain chemistry and how one sees the world as well as so many other things. Don't let anyone discourage you. You can see how almost every one on this thread is understanding.
I din't start working on my self till much later in life so you have a good start. Keep it up and don't let things get you down. Being honest about yourself is far from being pathetic. Pathetic people live in quite desperation and hide from the world and live lies to their choosing.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 38
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 2:23:29 AM
I really appreciate the advice so far. There have been few that have gotten me a little mad but I know it's to help me realize what better I can be for myself or for someone. The photos of myself will be awhile yet but I believe these photos will symbolize how sweet but fun I can be so I hope many will take these photos to consideration. So overall, what changes do I need to ensure that I have an attractive but honest profile?
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 39
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:04:11 AM
Look, it isn't because you're ugly, or stupid, or not a nice or are a nice guy.

Women are complicated. A woman can blow you off for any of a hundred different reasons regardless of what you do.

How messy does it get? This is what one woman said in a different thread when talking about why she doesn't choose some guys over others...


I like people in jeneral(at a respectable distance, I should add), and I can usualy find things to like and admire in just about anybody. But when it comes to dating, I find that I mostly concentrate on how does it make ME feel. So, it is not really about that person I am interacting with, it's about if I like MYSELF when I am with that person. Do they bring the best or the worst out in me? And it is not about THAT person, it is about the dynamics of two people.

And I have rejected on a basis of fear of liking them too much and knowing other factors would be very unfavorable for my own sanity and peace of mind/ likable outcome for me(age, distance,other factors). In short, I don't want to bite more than I can chew, basic guarding in the works, I suppose. Or the opposite, I do not want to become that monster who will be wiping their feet on this nice, respectable, and sweet guy, who just happens to have no back or balls to stand up to me(due to whatever, liking me too much or being desperate for companionship/sex or whatever it may be).


Now YOU figure out how you're supposed to respond to that? You can't?

Welcome to the club.

It's a process. Work on yourself, try to understand them as best you can, and the results are the results.

In other words, it's you, and it ain't you.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 40
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:48:57 AM
Women can be complicated at times but somehow, I'm able to read through them. Some call me cute just to give me reasons to not hate myself. Helpmeahhh, you have listed one thing that is correct about myself and the flaws it has given me but I know in a way that it augments me in many good ways. I see things differently that not an average person can see but is it the real truth or is it only what the condition does for me? That condition has been the reason why I can't get anywhere with anyone, they just can't understand what I'm capable for them. I know that I shouldn't blame this curse/gift, but sometimes I wonder what is right about if it's the reason why I can't succeed to be with anyone.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 41
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:41:17 PM
Matt,

You said in your post the hepmeahhh was right in this post to you. Do you mean the dweeb part or the Asperger part?
You also mentioned that you've had a difficult life and that you are in therapy.

Matt, you seem very mature and thoughtful for someone who is 21. Sometimes difficulties in early life hold you back in someways (trust, communication skill, confidence) and sometimes adversity can advance other aspects of your development (sensitivity, compassion, thoughtfulness and introspection). The trick now in your life is too find balance with all of this. The therapy is one positive step. Good for you!! Really, a lot of folks in their teens and 2o's wouldn't do it. I would also recommend finding a social group you could connect with. For example you're into Culinary Arts - could you help out at a shelter cooking up some great meals for the guests? You'd be surprised how many great men and women volunteer. Through volunteering you meet great people who then include you in their world and then the door opens to gals in the real world. When you haven't had the best of role models, sometimes you need to look for them and start watching them carefully. At school are there any men who you think are decent and somehow seem to attract the women you like? How do they dress, how do they carry themselves, how do they interact with people. Watch and start copying. You don't have to feel it to do it sometimes you need to do it to feel it!

Lastly, one of the other things I would suggest Matt is not to listen to people like Dumblonde (name says it all!) Don't ever allow people who are inherently harsh, cruel and unfeeling to take up any space up in your life. Let it go. Focus only on what can move you forward.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 42
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 1:36:46 AM
The Asperger part actually. I am different, I may not look like it but I see things differently than most people. I had a rough childhood that makes me insecure with myself towards someone that I really care for. I want to help shelters out but I barely have time for myself. Overall, I am alone and knowing that somebody wants to be here for me really turns me to the right direction with myself and my life, but it's never promising because they always judge and demand more out of me. I am willing to give, but for once I should be recognized for the good I do for people. But that's my dream and reality is highly cruel with how I am treated.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 43
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 6:50:27 AM
Matt... your profile needs reworking brother. It reeks of non confidence. This is not an issue with your looks. It's about how you exude defeat.


Sit down and be honest with yourself.. And I am not talking about sitting down with a defeatist attitude and moping,what are you good at,there has to be something. What would you like to learn?


What are your hobbies? Do you interact with people in group settings? Got a buddy that seems to attract the ladies or a relative you can get some pointers from?

Hiding and trying to stay below the radar is not helping you. You will never catch a fish if your gear is hanging on the wall of the shed if ya know what I mean.

I used to bepainfully shy.. I've overcome that. How? I turned a couple of my hobbies into chances to make a few bucks and the interactions with all types of people have helped tremendously. I chose a career after many years of just being a faceless name working in a situation where you punched in,did your job,and punched out, Now my customers remember who I am and talk with me on a personal level. I have no problems now walking up to a complete stranger and striking up a casual conversation.


Right now YOU are your biggest stumbling block. Get some social interaction going.. just for the practice.. once you have gotten to where you are comfortable at that it will be easier to learn how to interact with the female of the species... THAT in it's self is a whole new ball game.

You can do it, but you are the one who is going to have to make an effort and go a little over your comfort level.


Good luck
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 44
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 1:06:23 PM
I made my profile more suitable so I hope that it will look a little better. The photos are highly difficult to add so until then, I don't want to be judged only because I have one photo of myself for now.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 45
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 1:53:16 PM
Hi Matt,

I think your pic is really nice and I can see you've worked on your profile. It looks really good too. Why don't you forward a request to profile review to have them give your profile a once over look. Remember, you have to have a thick skin...in dating and on the POF forum profile review!!!!

If my step daughter were 5 years older and lived near you...I'd certainly be pleased if the two of you dated. You're cute and sweet! All the best!!!
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 46
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 6:41:31 PM
Lots of people do say that I need more photos but it's really tough finding some recent photos of myself. I try to get some photos but the computer has trouble uploading them onto POF. I will keep trying my hardest though.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 47
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/9/2012 2:04:28 AM
No matter what people say, they will always judge and POF is a perfect example. I looked at this as a last resort and not even this can help me out. I believe that I'm nothing for anybody, that's why I'm meant to live alone. I've tried everything to find somebody, I tried being positive, I tried being happy for myself but nothing ever works for me. I don't know what to do anymore :(
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 48
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/9/2012 7:09:53 PM
Look, I'm doing what I can to become myself in a better manner but so many go after the higher standards. I don't want to be something I'm not but if I have to, I will wait for one to come to me rather than me coming to one of them because isn't fishing all about patience and waiting for the right moment for one to show up? Think about that one instead of assuming that I'm stubborn to reject other peoples help and honesty. I've been through hell for many years and being young has nothing to do with it, it's what I've been through that counts. I'm willing to give myself a chance with all of this but uploading pictures is the best idea to make my profile look a lot better looking.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 49
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/10/2012 6:38:30 AM
Your looks are good enough.

Your issue about self confidence has already been addressed (and good job updating your profile!); the other is that you don't come off as someone that drives someone to want to date them in general.

Get outside of yourself for a minute - try thinking of yourself as an attractive 21 year old woman. She runs into you, randomly, or comes across your profile. What makes YOU stand out more than, not only the hundreds of guys that email her on dating sites, or the 5 guys that hit on her in a day, or the multiple male friends that she has around that want to sleep with her and keep trying to get out of the friendzone? For instance, on your profile, you put:


For indoors, I love gaming, listening to my music, relaxing, do research on numerous occasions and cuddling :) For outdoors, I enjoy camping, going out for walks, going swimming outdoors, (with friends or someone close)going out to party, and going to nightclubs.


Who DOESN'T like doing that stuff at your age? What is UNIQUE about you? What are your unique hobbies, what are your interesting passions, where do you travel to, or WANT to travel to, even? What would you actually add to someone's life? That's what you need to stress, and they should be relatively unique things, or at least give a wide range of things that give an impression that dating you would be a unique, interesting experience. On here, and in real life as well - you need to work on that.

And if you -don't- have anything interesting to offer, then develop some passions and hobbies so that you do.
 RifferX
Joined: 4/20/2010
Msg: 50
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/10/2012 7:08:34 PM
Shoot me up a message dude, I would like to talk to you offline and add some advice that you may or may not like.

You need a complete overhaul to get some p*u*sy dude, and I do mean complete.
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