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 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 41
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Why do they underestimate me?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Matt,

You said in your post the hepmeahhh was right in this post to you. Do you mean the dweeb part or the Asperger part?
You also mentioned that you've had a difficult life and that you are in therapy.

Matt, you seem very mature and thoughtful for someone who is 21. Sometimes difficulties in early life hold you back in someways (trust, communication skill, confidence) and sometimes adversity can advance other aspects of your development (sensitivity, compassion, thoughtfulness and introspection). The trick now in your life is too find balance with all of this. The therapy is one positive step. Good for you!! Really, a lot of folks in their teens and 2o's wouldn't do it. I would also recommend finding a social group you could connect with. For example you're into Culinary Arts - could you help out at a shelter cooking up some great meals for the guests? You'd be surprised how many great men and women volunteer. Through volunteering you meet great people who then include you in their world and then the door opens to gals in the real world. When you haven't had the best of role models, sometimes you need to look for them and start watching them carefully. At school are there any men who you think are decent and somehow seem to attract the women you like? How do they dress, how do they carry themselves, how do they interact with people. Watch and start copying. You don't have to feel it to do it sometimes you need to do it to feel it!

Lastly, one of the other things I would suggest Matt is not to listen to people like Dumblonde (name says it all!) Don't ever allow people who are inherently harsh, cruel and unfeeling to take up any space up in your life. Let it go. Focus only on what can move you forward.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 42
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 1:36:46 AM
The Asperger part actually. I am different, I may not look like it but I see things differently than most people. I had a rough childhood that makes me insecure with myself towards someone that I really care for. I want to help shelters out but I barely have time for myself. Overall, I am alone and knowing that somebody wants to be here for me really turns me to the right direction with myself and my life, but it's never promising because they always judge and demand more out of me. I am willing to give, but for once I should be recognized for the good I do for people. But that's my dream and reality is highly cruel with how I am treated.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 43
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 6:50:27 AM
Matt... your profile needs reworking brother. It reeks of non confidence. This is not an issue with your looks. It's about how you exude defeat.


Sit down and be honest with yourself.. And I am not talking about sitting down with a defeatist attitude and moping,what are you good at,there has to be something. What would you like to learn?


What are your hobbies? Do you interact with people in group settings? Got a buddy that seems to attract the ladies or a relative you can get some pointers from?

Hiding and trying to stay below the radar is not helping you. You will never catch a fish if your gear is hanging on the wall of the shed if ya know what I mean.

I used to bepainfully shy.. I've overcome that. How? I turned a couple of my hobbies into chances to make a few bucks and the interactions with all types of people have helped tremendously. I chose a career after many years of just being a faceless name working in a situation where you punched in,did your job,and punched out, Now my customers remember who I am and talk with me on a personal level. I have no problems now walking up to a complete stranger and striking up a casual conversation.


Right now YOU are your biggest stumbling block. Get some social interaction going.. just for the practice.. once you have gotten to where you are comfortable at that it will be easier to learn how to interact with the female of the species... THAT in it's self is a whole new ball game.

You can do it, but you are the one who is going to have to make an effort and go a little over your comfort level.


Good luck
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 44
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 1:06:23 PM
I made my profile more suitable so I hope that it will look a little better. The photos are highly difficult to add so until then, I don't want to be judged only because I have one photo of myself for now.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 45
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 1:53:16 PM
Hi Matt,

I think your pic is really nice and I can see you've worked on your profile. It looks really good too. Why don't you forward a request to profile review to have them give your profile a once over look. Remember, you have to have a thick skin...in dating and on the POF forum profile review!!!!

If my step daughter were 5 years older and lived near you...I'd certainly be pleased if the two of you dated. You're cute and sweet! All the best!!!
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 46
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/2/2012 6:41:31 PM
Lots of people do say that I need more photos but it's really tough finding some recent photos of myself. I try to get some photos but the computer has trouble uploading them onto POF. I will keep trying my hardest though.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 47
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/9/2012 2:04:28 AM
No matter what people say, they will always judge and POF is a perfect example. I looked at this as a last resort and not even this can help me out. I believe that I'm nothing for anybody, that's why I'm meant to live alone. I've tried everything to find somebody, I tried being positive, I tried being happy for myself but nothing ever works for me. I don't know what to do anymore :(
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 48
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/9/2012 7:09:53 PM
Look, I'm doing what I can to become myself in a better manner but so many go after the higher standards. I don't want to be something I'm not but if I have to, I will wait for one to come to me rather than me coming to one of them because isn't fishing all about patience and waiting for the right moment for one to show up? Think about that one instead of assuming that I'm stubborn to reject other peoples help and honesty. I've been through hell for many years and being young has nothing to do with it, it's what I've been through that counts. I'm willing to give myself a chance with all of this but uploading pictures is the best idea to make my profile look a lot better looking.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 49
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/10/2012 6:38:30 AM
Your looks are good enough.

Your issue about self confidence has already been addressed (and good job updating your profile!); the other is that you don't come off as someone that drives someone to want to date them in general.

Get outside of yourself for a minute - try thinking of yourself as an attractive 21 year old woman. She runs into you, randomly, or comes across your profile. What makes YOU stand out more than, not only the hundreds of guys that email her on dating sites, or the 5 guys that hit on her in a day, or the multiple male friends that she has around that want to sleep with her and keep trying to get out of the friendzone? For instance, on your profile, you put:


For indoors, I love gaming, listening to my music, relaxing, do research on numerous occasions and cuddling :) For outdoors, I enjoy camping, going out for walks, going swimming outdoors, (with friends or someone close)going out to party, and going to nightclubs.


Who DOESN'T like doing that stuff at your age? What is UNIQUE about you? What are your unique hobbies, what are your interesting passions, where do you travel to, or WANT to travel to, even? What would you actually add to someone's life? That's what you need to stress, and they should be relatively unique things, or at least give a wide range of things that give an impression that dating you would be a unique, interesting experience. On here, and in real life as well - you need to work on that.

And if you -don't- have anything interesting to offer, then develop some passions and hobbies so that you do.
 RifferX
Joined: 4/20/2010
Msg: 50
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/10/2012 7:08:34 PM
Shoot me up a message dude, I would like to talk to you offline and add some advice that you may or may not like.

You need a complete overhaul to get some p*u*sy dude, and I do mean complete.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 51
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 12:22:06 AM
Hmmm, interesting advice abmccray, I may take that advice into use. How do we define unique? Is it a definition where we believe we are very talented at? I wish to know what to edit first before taking consideration but your advice seems appealing. I wish to say that I'm not interested in just p.u.s.s.y, I'm interested to know my compatibility with someone by comparing our personalities together and seeing if they are what completes us or what makes us a better person in the end.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 52
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 1:56:33 AM
How do we define unique? Is it a definition where we believe we are very talented at?


I'll use myself as an example Matt.. do I consider myself unique?. no.. I am myself.. I'm comfortable in my own skin where years ago.. I was shy and introverted,that got changed.

HOWEVER my GF thinks I am intriguing.. Why? Do I look like a computer geek or the egghead type? Not really.. I don't dress like what you would expect one (you know stereotypes) to look like or behave.. I am a ham radio operator and modify electronic circuits, I have a pretty good sized customer base for computer repair and networking (am self taught) I dabble in electronics repair, I am pretty good with my hands when it comes to doing wood working and I've lost count of the number of engines I have rebuilt,and according to some people I am a pretty good cook and I can bake a cake even.. I work as an industrial/commercial electrician doing new construction..Therefore I wear standard dress for that.. jeans,T shirt,work boots.

When I met my GF she was blown away at the variety of topics I could talk about and the wide range of things I do,yet do NOT appear to be the typical type... She thinks I am unique.. that's what attracted her to me. At first she figured.. ehhh.. just another blue collar guy that works construction and then veg's in front of the TV... that was before she started talking to me..

The first time she entered my house she stood there with her lower jaw hanging and then started asking questions about this and that and the other in my place and I gave her explanations..She found it fascinating.. other gals may not..

Get the idea? What are your hobbies? what makes YOU stand out from the herd? in a POSITIVE way...

I wasn't even looking for a GF when mine found me.. in fact I didn't want to go out with her cuz I was so focused on what I was doing in life at that time..She waited.. I am glad she did.. she,to me is pretty rare...

Put yourself out there and sell yourself!
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 53
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 5:44:27 AM
Impressive. Is it intriguing that I study the universe within everybody's lives? And how it somehow bonds us to have a connection with the way we communicate with one another? I believe that the way we live will end up becoming our death but that is only because fate is predetermined and cannot be controlled. Our destinies lead to the path that we choose but it's already chosen by fate itself. I've studied this for five years but if anybody calls me weird for making studies on the universe, that is small minded of those to believe that. I respect opinions but not brutal honesty. Will this help?
 ForumOnly
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 54
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 10:35:27 AM
You're pretty much defeating yourself here. How do you expect anyone else to accept you when you can't even accept yourself? Get the girl, get the confidence. It doesn't work like that. You're going in the reverse order.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 55
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 10:52:45 AM
Our destinies lead to the path that we choose but it's already chosen by fate itself.

That method of thinking is called "fatalism" and it's self defeating. You are the master of your own fate,whether you perish in apathy and self loathing, or succeed by determination and and confidence, the choice is your.




You don't get from point A to point B in a car by simply starting it and putting it in drive and hitting the gas pedal while expecting to make it to your destination in a safe and timely manner.. You get there by all of those things AND stopping at the correct time,navigating twists and turns in the road and learning how it all works together so you DO get to where you are wanting to go.

The same applies in life.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 56
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:10:43 PM
I don't know what is unique about me though. I'm trying to know how I can catch a lady's eyes?
 Choporis
Joined: 6/25/2012
Msg: 57
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/14/2012 1:13:44 AM
To Matt,

I feel that you are concerned about if your looks is the reason that's holding you back; if this hasn't been resolved yet, I will be frank and tell you that your profile photo is decent looking.
Though I have a few suggestions that you might want to look into. :]

Firstly, please understand that a relationship is NEVER solely based on looks; there are other qualities people will look into before starting a relationship, such as education, financial status, compatibility etc. Some of these qualities might even overweight the importance of looks to some people. Some goes hand by hand to each other, missing either one of them would be a deal breaker to some people.
So now, consider this, what else do you have besides your looks? Do you find compatibility with your ideal girls? Do you have common interests with them?
To me, I feel that you are really eager for INITIAL success; that's not good, it won't contribute to a long term relationship. Give some time to yourself and consider what will happen after you get involve in a relationship, how will you keep up the sparks? A relationship isn't as simple as two people having an agreement for a second, it continues as time moves on, and you have to work to keep it together. That's when the other qualities I mentioned will kick in. Simply say, money to take a girl on a nice date, compatibility to make each other feel right, education/knowledge to keep conversations going etc.

Finally, I noticed this one problem that I think might be your answer on "why girls think you are attractive but don't want to be with you.". I am sorry for pointing this out if you feel offended, but I will still be straight forward about it.
Your profile states that you are 5'4. This height is not desirable for most girls no matter how your looks is.
I recall reading a post of a 5'11 man on feeling rejected on PoF because women on here frequently state they only date men over 6'0.
I honestly think this contributes to your problems both in life and on dating. Some studies might even suggest taller men earn more money than shorter men. So you know height does play a role in the society.
Now there's no real ways to make this better, except how to improve how you feel about yourself. Be confident about yourself.
There's a quotation in the movie "American Beauty" and I quote, "In order to be successful, one must portrait an image of success at all time."
Be confident, look confident, and you will be seen as a confident individual to others :]
Even if it's true that your height might pose a problem on dating girls, you really just have to go on with your life, continue seeing more people, and eventually you'll meet that one girl that loves you as much as you love her. :]
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 58
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/14/2012 11:48:13 PM
That is some strong advice you have given me there. There is one girl that I do love but there are many things that stop us from being together. I've loved her for five years and she accepts everything that I am. I've joined POF so that I would not have my hopes up and end up getting broken from the rejection. It is sad how girls and life in general have to base everything on height and looks, it angers me how the world must judge one another to accept "perfection" within society. I will have my redemption!
 andy1961
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 59
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/15/2012 12:42:04 AM
You're pretty much defeating yourself here. How do you expect anyone else to accept you when you can't even accept yourself? Get the girl, get the confidence. It doesn't work like that. You're going in the reverse order.


Best advice on here!

OP - web dating is the last thing you should be doing right now. It's a harsh business that's full of instant to long term rejection. Most people who try on-line dating, regardless of their age, haven't got the thick skin that's required to cope with that rejection.

There are literally thousands of profiles on here that state the same comment, "Don't judge a book by it's cover".

When it comes to viewing and reading a profile and looking at the attached pictures, the vast majority of us do judge the book by it's cover. After all, until you do actually meet, what else have you got to go on?

And let's be completely honest here - the FIRST thing people want to see on a person's profile is their picture. If you do not like what you see when you look at somebody's picture, all that bullsh*t about "not judging a book by it's cover" and "I'm a nice guy with a kind heart" and "I'm a lady who is beautiful on the inside", counts for absolutely nothing! Anyone who tells you differently is not being honest with themselves.

OP, you are only 21 - try and sort out your self-confidence and self-esteem issues before you try any of this on-line stuff.
Best of luck.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 60
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Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/15/2012 12:42:27 AM
Matt the greatest thing you can have is confidence.. not co(kiness or being smug.

Being an industrial electrician i hear from people all the time telling me how much electricity scares them and they are in awe that I seem so calm around it. They ask me if it scares me.. I tell them it terrifies me... and really ,it does..but i have confidence in knowing what I am doing and the proper procedures and can control my fear of it.


If you are confident,it shows. It attracts people to you,thats why it's been suggested to get out there and get some interaction going on.. It'll build your confidence. None of us are born knowing how to interact with others,,, it's learned,and you can't learn anything unless you make a commitment to be open to failing now and then!


If you see a gal you like,strike up a conversation about something.. be inventive,talk to her with a smile on your face...If you are at ease,it will put her at ease.. don't expect to hit it out of the park every time..practice makes perfect..The more you do something the easier it gets.. and as far as your height... pfft... It aint the size of the dog in the fight,it's the size of fight in the dog.
 dimitri24
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 61
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/15/2012 2:28:22 AM
i dont know why i opened this but i noticed the word aspergers. i was diagnosed with it about 12 years ago but never followed through with therapy or anything. well i'm not one to give advice because i can't seem to connect with people, no matter how hard i try. i kinda stripped down my profile because no one was reading it, i never once got asked about any of the interesting stuff in there like working on jets in the airforce or living in other countries or riding motorcycles or making surgical equipment, or parts for nuclear powerplants. i get more replies with no picture than with one. but the conversations ususally go nowhere either way. what i noticed is that people make instant assumptions when they see my face. they don't say so but they must because sending pictures is usually where the conversations end. but before that they are interested enough to ask for them. there is a psychology behind attraction and it has a lot to do with how people feel when they see how you feel. people with aspergers don't express themselves well with facial expressions and it's tough. body language is big too. people have no idea what it's like on this side of the disorder. they always say "confidence" but confidence is an illusion. the most "confident" guys i know who can go out and bring home girls are some of the most deeply insecure individuals i have ever met in my life. so what is it really. i guess it's knowing how to engage people, it's not about having no insecurities because i've never known any person with that quality. it's not about being interesting. i've seen guys have the most lame conversations with girls and they eat it up because they know how to work people. but for me people often dont even know i'm in the room. i mean that in a literal sense, it's not shyness or quietness but i can't engage people, they are oblivious to my being there! i can remember many instances where i've tried to enter a conversation and nobody knows i'm speaking like i'm just not a part of the world around me, and maybe one person will notice it and we'll laugh about it but it does get to me. there is just some behavior i lack when i address people.

also i've been told that i look sad, but i don't feel sad. people act like i need to cheer up but they're just oblivious and need all these subtle gestures to feel happy, or interested, or engaged when talking to someone and they don't even know it, it's not a problem with me but a problem with how people feel about talking to me, it's a problem that they often can't even put in words. i was interested in a friend of mine last year (though im not sure that she's such a great friend in the end), i thought she was interested too, we have great conversations but when it came out that i was interested through another friend for whatever reason, she said "noooo!" like it was a bad thing, so when she was asked why she didn't want to go out with me her reply was along the lines of "dan's just..." and just froze there. like there is something about me she just can't describe. it's not just immature adolescent inexperience either i'm 27 and shes older than i am. i know it sounds like the type of thing a teenager would say and she's generally not immature but that's how often i get treated in life.

the thing with behavior is most people are unaware of it so the successful people could never give you a full picture of what it is that make them that way. people will say "be confident" but can't say the subtle things that make a person appear confident or get noticed. they may list a few like "smile" but could never put it all into words.

i could try to change or at least fake it but i prefer to be myself. i don't have any problems with who i am. maybe relationships are few and far between but i have been in a good one, unfortunately we live in different states now but i don't feel like i should need to do things that are unnatural for me to find a date. i've had a great relationship before and i'm certain it will happen again.

and you shouldn't let it get to you if people pass you over right now, chances are they aren't right for you in the first place. don't get discouraged if people don't notice you, they probably don't know they are doing it, it's not intentional ignorance most of the time. it's just when people don't know how you feel they dont know how to feel about you, and people are unaware of most of what goes on around them, you need to command attention, but that's hard to do in a subtle way if you are like me and just lack the subtle things people do to achieve that. the people that don't notice me say that i'm shy and the people that do say that i'm aggressive they can't both be right. it kinda feels like i'm broadcasting on the wrong frequency. my whole interaction with people is just on the wrong wavelength.

anyway; two things that have seemed to help on this site are 1, no long messages! 1 -3 sentences is often fine for a first message. the long ones take too much thought and time to read, people are lazy, and you are competing for attention. you don't want to lose attention by making something look like a long read. 2. be original. and ask a question. it doesn't work every time, sometimes i get passed over based on my "sad" looking picture but if a girl says she likes camping and walks on the beach, well everybody does. not everyone who writes that is an avid camper and wants an in depth conversation about it. this can be hard because most profiles don't have much to go off of but just don't think because something is in a profile they want to talk about it, ask things that are less expected and be complimentary. find something to ask them, you need to prompt a response, but it doesn't hurt to add in something you like about them, make them smile and they are more likely to answer you.
 AxeMurderer75
Joined: 6/6/2012
Msg: 62
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/15/2012 8:56:39 AM
Honest advice: Carry yourself better and with more confidence.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 63
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/25/2012 12:39:40 PM
I am impressed with the way you see things. The world is very cruel and judgement is everywhere no matter how it's seen. I do envy some lives out there that can suddenly find happiness but perhaps happiness isn't real, maybe it's just something we want to believe in when we are consumed in our anguish. I know for one, I have decent looks but I refuse to be an ***hole to any girl to get anything I desire. I be myself, just to show that nice guys can be just as good as ***holes but with common decency.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 64
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:00:20 PM

The world is very cruel and judgement is everywhere no matter how it's seen.

Actually, OP, YOU are the MOST judgmental person that has posted on this thread... you assume you know what EVERYONE is thinking about you... you know everyone thinks you're ugly, blah, blah...

well, after two months worth of advise on this thread, what have you done to improve you situation?

I have a great deal of empathy for someone in pain, but after 2 months? Shit or get off the pot.
 Matt42153
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 65
Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:22:41 PM
I've been improving myself during these two months but I want to make sure that these improvements will be worth something in the end. Even I admit that I am judgemental at times and everyone is judgemental as well. Nobody can say that they aren't judgemental, because we're human for being this way. I judge others first then I accept later, but there are many forms of it that can destroy others or make others feel acceptable for their own characteristics. You are right that there are better girls out there but they too will judge in altered forms that I've encountered lately. No matter what though, I will not change myself for anybody because I should be accepted as my own self and not a fool, seeking simple attention from a girl or lady. I know in some cases that I have great looks but does one picture of me really have to decide whether I'm attractive or not? Those that say that they want somebody great, caring and sweet, here I am, waiting as usual but I don't get accepted. Try figuring that out before telling me to get my shit together. This is for everyone to figure out.
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