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 AUTHOR
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 26
I'm miserablePage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
As disturbing as it all is I have to say personally that not wanting to spend time with his own daughter tells me this cat is deeply depressed and a little low on the self-worth. Which comes first is the question. It sounds like he may be on disability and is lacking any hobbies other than getting high. No wonder he is depressed. He's way out of the groove.
If you want to help him you should get him an appointment at the behavioral health joint and get his serotonin stabilized. If that goes nowhere tell him you are going to be getting very busy and your time will be limited. Then find a way to be too busy and only respond to a positive attitude and very little else.


Thumbs up...

he is depressed, he is on disability, has no hobbies other than smoking weed. He is always talking about packing up and leaving (which I encourage everytime I hear it), and he's always too tired to do anything (the weed knocks him out).

Tried talking him into going to the "St Alban's" in the hospital which is basically the psych ward, and he's afraid that they would send him off to a more permanant facility. I tried talking him into seeking help with a psychologist, and he states that they will do the same thing. I've tried EVERYTHING.

I even told him to sober up, get his life straight, and then call me. He'll call the next day 5 or 6 times. He just doesn't listen. So I texted him tonight at 9:30 (he's usually out like a light at 9 due to being high) and told him that I needed a break from him for a few weeks to decide what I am going to do and get my head straight. If he loved me, he'd leave me alone. If he cannot sober up, and find a job, and seek help...i'm done completely.

 Dork_Vader27
Joined: 5/8/2012
Msg: 27
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 9:55:14 PM
To start out with..

"He makes me miserable." Um why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't make you happy?!?
"but he's almost bi-polar." Um Do you have a some kind of degree in Mental health care? If not then do not try and diagnose someone with a mental disorder or illness. Sure he might have something going on. How ever diagnosing mental illness is difficult a person can exhibit numerous traits of a mental illness and not have it. Another point many of those that work in health care will not always agree on a diagnosis.
"he is a constant downer" Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who's depressing?
He has no job. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a guy who can't support himself or provide?
He doesn't care about his daughter. You know this guy is not a good father! And you're in a relationship with him? What are you going to do if he gets you pregnant? I can tell you.. You'll have a dead beat dad and NO child support.

Do I really need to keep going?
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 28
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 2:18:13 AM
I have known men that were not sane and I NEVER again, will I tolerate this as my profile states.
My advice is: Get as far away from this guy and removed from this guy as you can. Too far is not far away enough.
Get away from him. Move on, try to find sane men. I know finding sane men is difficult, but keep searching as I do.
 mrsforums
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 29
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History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 2:29:26 AM

So I texted him tonight at 9:30 (he's usually out like a light at 9 due to being high) and told him that I needed a break from him for a few weeks to decide what I am going to do and get my head straight. If he loved me, he'd leave me alone.


Applause !!! Kristy, stay strong with this...and that means holding off communication...even if he calls 5/6 times per day as other times. Don't let him guilt you into being in a miserable place.


If he cannot sober up, and find a job, and seek help...i'm done completely


Oh Kristy... please be done completely...now. You deserve someone that you are HAPPY with! Someone who, when you think of spending time, brings a smile to your face, not that naggy, "oh crap" feeling.

You deserve to be safe.

MrsF
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 30
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History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 4:24:36 AM

He was in a car wreck (before we met) that caused brain trauma. He can be super smart, but he's almost bi-polar (maybe he is, just not diagnosed). He is a constant downer, isn't working, doesn't care about whether or not he sees his daughter (previous relationship), he's boring, always high, and he could care less about me and how I am. I guess you can say that he's into himself and his problems and could care less about others. Here lately, he bothers the crap out of me.


Christy..come on, geez.
Why are you putting up with this guy?

You can do better. You're having a self image problem.
You need to get away from this guy, and work on yourself. You CAN do better.
 What_He_Said
Joined: 1/11/2012
Msg: 31
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 5:10:36 AM
A bit of a read, and a lot of stuff you wrote to boot.

Lemme ask a simple straightforward question:

Are you happy? I'm serious. It's a simple straightforward question. Are you happy?

If you can answer that with what you just said, then you should keep this relationship. If your answer is no, then leave it.

Put this in another context. If you were sitting down having lunch with a close friend of yours and she told you this story, what would you say to her. Why would you say it?

As to calling you stupid...well, name calling of any sort that really doesn't really accomplish anything at this point.

With respect to offering advice: Anyone can offer advice and you can take it for what it's worth. Here or elsewhere. So take stock of yourself (not just in a I want to be happy profile kinda way) and figure out what your really want and who you really are looking for and go from there. But the only advice that you feel is appropriate that you actually and positively act upon has any real merit.

Best of luck and hope you make the right decision.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 32
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 6:02:59 AM

Christy..come on, geez.
Why are you putting up with this guy?


I don't know. :( I really honestly could not tell you the reason why. It's not poor self esteem on the "outside" lost a bit of weight, so I have more confidence now than I ever have! I think it's poor self esteem inside.

Ya know, i didn't talk to him for a few weeks a couple months ago, and I was so happy and I felt good. It was when I was first put on depression meds (Suffered from depression most of my life until now). I enrolled in college (I start June 25th for psychology...go figure lol), I was out and about hiking and working on my photography. Then here he comes..back into the mix. Now I am more miserable than ever. It sucks big time, but I take accountability for letting it happen.

After my message to him last night, he's called twice cussing me out because I won't answer the phone. I'm sure I have a full day ahead of me when it comes to the phone calls! ;)
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 33
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 6:07:49 AM
"He makes me miserable." Um why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't make you happy?!?
"but he's almost bi-polar." Um Do you have a some kind of degree in Mental health care? If not then do not try and diagnose someone with a mental disorder or illness. Sure he might have something going on. How ever diagnosing mental illness is difficult a person can exhibit numerous traits of a mental illness and not have it. Another point many of those that work in health care will not always agree on a diagnosis.
"he is a constant downer" Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who's depressing?
He has no job. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a guy who can't support himself or provide?
He doesn't care about his daughter. You know this guy is not a good father! And you're in a relationship with him? What are you going to do if he gets you pregnant? I can tell you.. You'll have a dead beat dad and NO child support.

Do I really need to keep going?


I will tell you that he has told me that he thought that he may be suffering from the illness. But you are right, I shouldn't try to diagnose him.

To answer to all your questions...I have no clue why.... and no, you made your point , so there is no need to keep going . Thank you for your response.


To everyone else...thank you for your responses. I iwsh that could take each and every response and write something back to you but that would make me look crazier than I already seem to be. lol. THANK YOU!
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 34
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 6:18:07 AM
I feel for you OP I really do........and I'm probably about to trumpet what most have already said here.........

First, if he was smoking weed before he made these threats that would have been the deal breaker for me. I'm not down with people doing illegal drugs of any kind. You do realize that if your with him and he has some weed on him and gets busted that you will go to jail too?????

Secondly, the minute he made those threats, either I or he would have been out the door. You definitely need to report it to the police or at least tell family and close friends that if anything happens to you, he's the first one that needs to be questioned. God forbid anything happening to you.........

It is obvious that he needs help that you can't possibly give him(other than being there for him and where is that currently getting you? Your subject line says it all...). It's obvious he's suffered some deep effects from the car accident he was in.

Good luck to you..........
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 35
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 7:07:44 AM
Thread title says it all....you BOTH need help...nuff said!
 catfa51
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 36
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 7:19:59 AM
Are you ready....
1)Dump him
2)Take care of yourself
3)Move on
4)Never contact him again
5)Make yourself and your life the best it can be for YOU and no one else!
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 37
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 7:20:42 AM
christy, you need to stop focusing on why HE is crazy and all the "if only's" he has to do for you to stay with him and focus on yourself and why you are still even considering staying with him. He is who he is and he's not going to change.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 38
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 7:57:27 AM
Then here he comes..back into the mix. Now I am more miserable than ever. It sucks big time, but I take accountability for letting it happen.
After my message to him last night, he's called twice cussing me out because I won't answer the phone. I'm sure I have a full day ahead of me when it comes to the phone calls! ;)

Are you looking forward to that, anticipating the adrenaline-rush "fully alive" feeling of possible life-threatening melodrama? THAT is what he provides for you, an addictive *high* on adrenaline like no other crazy can...



I think you should get a long chain, padlocks and handcuffs.








Wrap the chain around the plumbing in your bathroom, then use the padlock to chain yourself there so that you can just reach your bed and your phone. Make sure you handcuff your hands in front so you can still move your arms.
Then call/text him to come over and give him the only keys...




Make HIM responsible for YOU and your LIFE, as you have apparently taken on "responsibility" for him and his mentally dysfunctional (addictive) behavior/threats towards you...

Tell him he MUST bring you food and then he can have sex, whenever he pleases and you won't go anywhere or do anything without his permission...

(be sure to givem the keys to your car) (and have your laptop handy in the br for more regular updates to all of us vicarious melodrama addicts here in the Forums)
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 39
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 8:06:41 AM
Christy, I’ve enjoyed your contributions to the forum and I see I’m not the only one who feels that way and wants to be helpful in return.

I can imagine a kind of push-pull going on in you, conflicting feelings and competing wants and needs that make it hard to feel resolved about what is best to do here. This is not stupidity or a no-brainer.

But I applaud your decision to move on. Your last break was only months ago and you still remember how much better you felt. He may try to pull you back into his orbit, no doubt. But I hope you will find support and reminders to put yourself first.

It can be hard to do that. It goes against all the injunctions to put ourselves last and serve the needs of others, etc. But I urge you to take the long view in this. You have a greater contribution to make with your life and you can’t make it with a millstone hanging around your neck. Your creative urges are calling you. And it’s when we follow the inner urgings to live a life of true purpose and fulfillment that we can give most fully of our gifts to others.

You have much to live for and look forward to. And it’s possible that without others to lean on, he will seek help for his mental health needs and eventually learn to take more responsibility for his life as well. It may be the best thing for you both.

A better life is calling you, Christy. I think you're on your way already. G’luck. xox
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 40
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:16:00 PM
I'd suggest arming yourself just in case. This guy has problems, and coming from me, that it serious.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 41
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History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:33:27 PM
Christy,

This morning you responded to another thread...on Engagements...

You gave excellent advise:

"I have one piece of advice for you.

DON'T DO IT"

Please take your self seriously and take your own advise!
 PsychologyChick
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 42
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:39:51 PM
o-O....This can't be real..can't be...Are we getting "Punked"?...lmao
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 43
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:42:58 PM
Glad you find my situation funny. :)


Laugh away
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 44
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History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:53:51 PM
Christy,

You've faced adversity before...your childhood your marriage. What got you through? You've got a job you really like, you're a very talented artist/photographer and somehow you've made decisions and plans to go to college next month.

What strength can you draw from your previous roadblocks that helped you?
 DeerTaint
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 45
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:57:47 PM
I'm not gonna call you stupid. The heart wants what it wants. Okay, how about this? List things on why you want to stay with him. I don't see anything you posted that makes him even a viable candidate for a relationship.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 46
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 1:01:29 PM
Christy, nobody thinks this is one bit funny.

Seriously- in my younger ,dumber years, I took on a relationship with a brain-injured man and it's lucky I didn't wind up dead.
Only a very skilled professional is ever going to be able to sort out whether his drug abuse is a result of the brain injury, or simply co-exists with it.
I'm sorry, I KNOW that the brain injury isn't his fault-but it isn't yours either. You need to completely cut contact with him, warn his ex, and involve the police to whatever extent they can legally GET involved. As far as restraining orders/orders of protection make sure you get the one that allows for immediate police response, not the kind that you have to take him to court to enforce. I will leave it to your judgement as to whether you arm yourself-but certainly be careful. When push comes to shove, an order of protection is just a piece of paper.

If absolutely necessary, does he have a family member who could start the process of having him put into "psychiatric evaluation hold"? I hesitate to recommend that because if there isn't sufficient grounds for enforced committment-he could come after the person who filed, and/ or anybody else he chooses to blame.

I'd like to think, going on what you describe, that after some firm resistance on your part, he'll give up because the substance abuse has robbed him of the energy/ambition to make much effort at anything-but I think you do have to be on watch in case he doesn't take the end of this "weird" relationship well.
Best of luck, and I echo other posters who've wished for your safety.
Cindy O
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 47
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 1:01:57 PM
I still have my faith in God..that is my strength. My family and my friends...I've taken them for granted, but they always pull me through.

I'll make it through...this was just a rough patch in the road of life. Been through so many....and I usually turn out ok for the most part.

My "picker" is in the shop for an overhaul as well. It keeps going haywire! lol

(Hugs Flaneur)

Deertaint, I cannot think of one thing that makes me want to be with him. Nothing he has to offer will make a successful relationship happen. nothing. Maybe if he received the help that he needs, and sobers up (as in rehab)....but that is a slim maybe because I know he has some good man in there some where.
 trinity818
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 48
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 1:12:39 PM
Perhaps you're paralyzed by a fear of being alone (as in...not in a relationship). My hope for you is that you will come to feel that it's better to be somewhat unhappy alone than to be miserable in a bad relationship. At least if you are alone, your happiness will be in your control and you can start to take steps to finding some joy.

You will never meet a good man as long as you are tied up with a bad one.
 DeerTaint
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 49
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 1:13:06 PM

Deertaint, I cannot think of one thing that makes me want to be with him. Nothing he has to offer will make a successful relationship happen. nothing. Maybe if he received the help that he needs, and sobers up (as in rehab)....but that is a slim maybe because I know he has some good man in there some where.

You are not going to fix him. Stop making excuses for his behavior and what "might" happen in the future.

A friend of mine met a guy on this site 3 years ago. I'm pretty sure he might even still be on here if I bothered to look. She keeps claiming there is some good in him and he wasn't always like that. He mentally abuses her. He hasn't physically abused her that I know of. He is a crack addict and does all sorts of foul things like sucking other men's c0cks for drugs. I asked her the same question that I asked you. To name anything that makes him relationship worthy. She just keeps saying "I know, I know". She's still living with him using the same excuses for the POS. My advice would be to get out and stop being his savior.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 50
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I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 1:33:48 PM
Christy,

Hugs back. I've tried to e-mail you but I'm too old for your age restrictions!!!

The strengths that you've noted - God, family and friends have taken many survivors a lifetime to establish. You are ahead of the game on this front. You are right to not take them for granted. This is the very time to reach out to them. I have a very close friend who is going to be fired from her job. She is very depressed and humiliated by this situation. She started retreating, staying away from those of us who care about her. I sat her down and explained that this horrible situation she is facing with her employment and bruising of her self-esteem IS the time to both reach out to her friends but also to allow us to support her. Please let the people that know you well, support you through this rough patch. It is a privilege not a burden to help a friend.

My gut feeling, is that a part from the obvious concerns you have for your safety there is something else that is pulling you towards this man and his situation. Empathy. I suspect because you yourself have hit rock bottom a few times, and you have felt the pain of having to go it alone you have a deep and unique empathy for his desperate state. You don't want to abandon him and contribute to a further downward spiral. I understand this. All I can say is that it is a risk and choice that you make. You have guided him to external resources - what more can you do? He may need to sink further before he hits the point that makes him confront his own life choices - this is where your belief in God comes in. You need to trust that higher power and find your place as a mere mortal. Have compassion Christy, but also try to seek balance.
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