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Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 19
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what did I do wrongPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I do not agree with anyone who posted that the woman in this story was a horrible person of some sort. We only have a very small part of one side of the situation to go on, and that is narrated by an aggrieved person.

OP, there are all sorts of things that I have seen, where someone told a story such as yours, and upon more complete investigation, it came out that the number of problems leading up to the spouse running away were legion. The single most common one was, that the person who was the one who got left, had been conducting the relationship by reading in a book of one kind or another (I'm not talking about your religion here, mind you), and expected their spouse to have bought into the exact same books. Essentially, they thought that the way to make a relationship work, was to purchase positive feelings from the other person, through various actions that their "book" said that "the opposite sex always loves someone who does this."

It's quite possible that the reason your trust is shattered, is that you built it entirely upon ideas you adopted all by yourself, believing that they were universal truths, and which you then failed to adjust to your mate. This happens a lot both in and out of religious people's lives. It shows up as the "fairy tale" version of love most commonly, where the folks involved grew up listening to stories like fairy tales, and then tried to directly require reality (and theor spouse) to follow along with them.

I don't know what happened in your case, but since you say you have no idea either, the single most likely reason that you do not know is, that you were never actually looking at your spouse at all, and were rather looking at your romanticized inner story version of her. Now when you are alone, is a very good time to take another careful look at all of your assumptions about how the world works, and build a fresh, and more realistic version within you.

In alignment with that, the number one way to restore your ability to trust others, is to rebuild your ability to trust yourself. Right now, you do not trust your own perceptions, because her actions surprised you so. You can repair yourself by pondering what actually happened between you, and find such things as:

--the moment when you decided to ignore what she was saying, and instead go with what you were sure the real truth was.

-- the moment when you opted to assume that what you had been doing, and what she had been doing, was a result of direct communication between you, in spite of your knowing otherwise ( the trust issues that you so briefly mentioned). In other words, go back and look again at every moment in which you chose to follow an idea of what was supposed to be true, instead of following the facts that were right in front of you, but that weren't pleasant, and so you chose to ignore them.

That is how to rebuild trust in yourself. When you have restored trust in your own ability to perceive, and in your own judgment, you will discover to your surprise, that suddenly you can trust other people as well. This is because you will feel secure that, even if they do seek to fool you, that you will be prepared to live without them.
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 20
what did I do wrong
Posted: 5/21/2012 5:40:38 AM
She'd already made up her mind that you & she were over long before leaving. You know what you did wrong. In hindsight we all do, when on the receiving end of breakups & no amount of counseling or niceties can fix it. The way she ended it seems to be more at issue than the ending of the relationship itself.

You won't regain trust that took 28 years to build overnight. You don't seek anything, love or otherwise, upfront when dating. You just concentrate on enjoying someone's company without pressuring yourself or her for anything more & trust will build over time as well as emotions.
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 21
what did I do wrong
Posted: 5/21/2012 9:20:12 PM
Definitely not for the weak. You have to be able to handle some serious rejection and failures. Maybe this is good practice though?
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