Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 lilydreams
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 115
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Hmm. Too bad. How did he handle the break up, I hope it wasn't too dramatic. Sometimes the prima donnas don't handle rejection well.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 116
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 4:09:15 PM
I have ED issues and have had over the last few years. Started dating a lady last fall, after a few dates and the possibility of sex had come into the picture we had a fairly frank discussion about the ED. She was quite understanding about it and willing to wait and see what happened. Couple of dates later she led me into the bedroom, very relaxed and since the concerns about getting it up were lessened everything worked fine and continued for the next 2 months that we dated. ED for many men like me is more about the fear of not being to perform than any real physical problem though age and health do play into it.

Karma he should have been up front with you, the frustration and anger are understandable. Him trying too hard to make up for it would be irritating. Like many posters I had also hoped it would work out for you, while I do not agree with all of your posts I like your attitude.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 117
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 4:36:20 PM
I have not broken up with him. I'm frankly not sure what to do. Before we had sex, I thought things were going fine. We had nice talks, I enjoyed his company, but after those two fails in the bedroom, he is trying to make up for his lack of "performance" by trying to impress me in other ways, one of them is the constant talking and trying to be funny (which it's not - it's annoying as HECK), and he seems just very nervous. I can't stand it. I don't want a grown up man who acts like a silly teenage boy acting like a slap stick comedian. It's unbearable. I have no idea what to do. I hate confrontation and breaking up with someone. And I"m thinking if I should give it some time. He is going out of town in June for the entire month, so maybe I could see how things develop until then. NOt sure if I can pull it off, because I'm getting so annoyed when he does the comedian thing.
 lilydreams
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 118
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 5:07:47 PM
^^^ I think you're done with him. Just the way you talk about him and his issues with ED and the rest about being annoyed and "I can't stand it." You've lost respect for him and it shows. If you had respect for him, you would not have posted this for everyone to see, you would have maybe discreetly discussed it with a friend. You've essentially disrespected your "relationship" with this man as well. Why would you want to "pull it off"?
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 119
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 6:31:54 PM
Uhm, how am I "disrespecting" him? Nobody here knows me or him personally. Not even his name. Not how he looks like. If I discussed this with a friend, they would get to know him at some point. This is anonymous here.
 lilydreams
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 120
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 6:50:02 PM
Do you not think that by saying things like "those two fails in the bedroom" "trying to make up for his lack of "performance" by trying to impress me" "I don't want a grown up man who acts like a silly teenage boy..." "It's unbearable" "I'm getting annoyed", etc., it sounds like the bloom is off the rose or the honeymoon phase is over before it began.

You've only been seeing him for two weeks or so. It's not like you're "going steady" or he put a ring on it.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 121
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 6:56:09 PM
I did like him, and I was really excited that he and I clicked. Things just totally changed after those two incidents. He was acting differently afterwards, and yes, I don't like how he acts now. He is overcompensating with wittiness or whatever you want to call it to "make up" for the "incidents". If it's going to be like this from now on, then no, this is not going anywhere. I just don't know how to "fix it" so to speak, how to get back to how it was BEFORE the whole debacle. I have no idea how to act, what to say, what to do, because I've never had to deal with anything like this before. Ever.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 122
view profile
History
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 7:22:49 PM

Things just totally changed after those two incidents. He was acting differently afterwards, and yes, I don't like how he acts now.

But I'm sure you were acting differently, too, to some degree. It changed things to some notable degree even if he wasn't so much 'acting differently'. Your interpretation of him in other non-related things is affected to one degree or another, too. Basically it comes crumbling down altogether. :)

How do you solve this? Stop with the antics -- TALK about it with him! We're not in junior high anymore. :)
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 123
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 8:10:22 PM
I'm sure I acted differently, but I was still nice and cheerful around him as before. Maybe he could sense my WTF a bit, but I wasn't giving him a hard time (pun intended). And I don't know how to bring it up (haha, another pun) in conversation. That would put him on the spot and embarrass him again, I would think. I mean, how should I even word this? Like "oh btw, what's going on down there? does that happen a lot?". Seriously, I have NEVER EVER had this happen, so I'm completely at a loss how to casually address this in conversation. I know this - I really don't want to try to have sex with him again any time soon, because I don't want to have to go through the awkwardness again. At least I know that he's probably not a player, but that's not very comforting.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 124
view profile
History
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 8:11:42 PM

norwegianguy, the first time we were intimate, he got it up but was done in like 15 seconds, I kid you not. He was very embarrassed about it, and it didnt' bother me too much at the time. But the second time, we spent HOURS in the bedroom, and I tried everything (cuddling, hand, oral, you name it) and NOTHING.

...

I have no idea what to do. I hate confrontation and breaking up with someone. And I"m thinking if I should give it some time. He is going out of town in June for the entire month, so maybe I could see how things develop until then. NOt sure if I can pull it off, because I'm getting so annoyed when he does the comedian thing.


It's possible he jerked off prior to this second time so that he wouldn't be so quick to be "done". I have read that many men have done this. Maybe then his refractory period was a lot longer than he expected.

It's a possibility since he was able to have an erection the first time.

I think it's premature to end the relationship.

I don't like confrontation either, and I don't like to have to address these types of issues. But it seems that this is creating other problems that are getting worse.

I agree with norwegianguy, you need to find a way to bring this up with him and be able to discuss it. I don't think either of you will be able to sweep it under the rug.

I don't think you have anything to lose by talking about it, since it seems things won't get better unless it's brought out into the open.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 125
view profile
History
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 8:27:57 PM

I'm sure I acted differently, but I was still nice and cheerful around him as before.

Well, he's nice still -- that has nothing to do with it. :)

Maybe he could sense my WTF a bit, but I wasn't giving him a hard time (pun intended)

It doesn't require verbally giving him a hard time about it all. NOT saying anything gives it hard time. He's partially responsible for this. Some women won't be so WTF about it as you, some will. Most will hide it, but many NOT as well as they think. In my speech class in college, my professor had the easiest job in the world. He'd video tape your speech, then send you in another room to watch it to grade yourself (he'd do so too later). A total revelation on how we THINK we come across VS how we actually do. Don't trust your gut, especially with situations like this. You're not watching yourself on video. :)

I mean, how should I even word this? Like "oh btw, what's going on down there? does that happen a lot?".

No, you bring it up as with anything else. The only thing is that you're too embarrassed to talk about it. You and he need to bring it up. Just get right to it. Do it the same way as if he, say, had an allergic reaction to something and would sneeze constantly when in a certain room or place. "How do I bring it up?" isn't going to be some complex question you'll be pining over, when there's a simple pill to resolve the issue. :) Especially when in his situation, it's largely based on nerves. Playing no-talk game only makes it worse.

Not talking about it makes it more awkward weird. Getting it out of the way and resolving the issue quickly is a Good thing.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 126
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 9:29:23 PM
Karma I can relate. I went on a few meets with a guy just as friends and he revealed his erectile dysfunction to me related to a heart attack. I did not know what to say. I listened.

Another guy I met kind of got it up the first time. After that it was as dead as a door knob, but he discussed this with me. Another poster said to get cheap drugs out of country for this: DON'T do that. There is no quality control and who knows what they are sending.

This second guy was going to try the VA to get some Viagra for his condition, but we parted ways long before that.

I am sure that middle aged women lose interest in sex due to vaginal dryness and it is just painful to have intercourse. I am not there yet but it may happen eventually, so men and women do have problems with loss of libido as we age.

You need to talk with him about this one more time. And then make your own decisions. Good luck.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 127
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 10:12:03 PM
ndm, thanks for your post. This guy had sex on his mind from the first date on, he is in great shape and active, so I absolutely was not expecting that. If this already happens to someone as fit and healthy as him, I don't even want to think how bad is has to be with men around his age who are in worse physical shape. My juices are still flowing plentifully and I have a very strong sex drive. I felt like I had the female equivalent of blue balls when sex didn't happen. He did go down on me and was good at it, but it's not the same. It's a real shame, I was really, really hoping that this guy would be it.

If this doesn't work out, I'll stick to dating younger men again. As long as my sex drive is still alive and kicking, I need a guy who can deliver.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 128
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 10:19:08 PM
Ah, none of us are getting any younger... Can time stop and the party last forever, please.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 129
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/24/2016 11:35:38 PM
TrvstinKarma- I hope everyone will forgive me for going into what I refer to as "nurse mode" in this forum, but to address what you are dealing with, Karma, I have to.
As we age, it's FACT that our body's change in ways that we have NO control over.
For women, it's stretch marks and /or sagging.
For men, a lot of the time, it's erectile dysfunction.
Watching my boobs head south hasn't been easy, but it happens to us all (unless we are talking about small breasted women, it's kind of karma (no pun intended) they avoid the issue after taking so much crap when they are young).
The male equivalent to this is that their "ick no longer gets hard when the wind blows.
Since I know I have little control over my body as I age, I realize men have little control either.
Diabetes can effect a man's ability to achieve an erection, so can ageing.
Some medications can effect men.
There have been several threads about the definition of sex and I don't care to debate that again, but what I WILL say is that there are MANY ways to please someone.
If I was fortunate enough to find a man who was right for me, good for me and me him, even though also LOVE sex, I would be willing to get creative to make it work.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 130
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 6:48:42 AM
Bama, I have to disagree with a few things. The body does not have to change for the worse as we get older. A lot of it is due to lifestyle. And when that alone does not help, there is surgery. It depends how important good looks and health are for people. For me, it's pretty frigging important. That's why I don't want to be with someone who is not serious about health, diet, fitness, etc. A few months ago, I started getting fatter, despite eating my same low carb diet and exercising. I tried to eat less, exercise more, and while I stopped getting fatter, I also didn't get thinner. Depressed the heck out of me. I was starting to look like the stereotypical matronly chubby middle aged woman. I could have just given up and chalked it up as "getting older, nothing you can do about weight gain". But instead, I got busy and did extensive research about what really causes weight gain for most people as they get older, and specifically why the always-tauted "eat less, exercise more" is BS. Long story short - due to me not just giving in to the "oh well, that's what happens as you get older", I started a new eating lifestyle (intermittent fasting), lost 15 pounds in 7 weeks, and as a nice side effect, my period is regular again, skin is better, I have more energy, etc. I wear size 2 or 4 in pants again, and can rock my bikini again as well.

This guy is healthy. He is built and doesn't look his age. I doubt he has diabetes or any medical condition. He doesn't smoke. He drinks beer every once in a while. He exercises. Eats pretty healthy. He know how to take care of himself. So I"m hoping he's doing some research to figure out what's going on. I'm not doing it for him, he has to want to do it himself, just like I have to figure out stuff that works for me. I have to admit, I have lost a good chunk of attraction to him due to this whole matter. Maybe not seeing him for a while will help get it back. Not sure what to do at this point. I do know that I haven't had good sex for a while, and Im not going to wait forever for that to happen again.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 131
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 8:00:40 AM
Karma, remember this?
"Being unrealistic about age of potential dates?
Posted: 4/18/2016 627 AM
I had a second date yesterday with a guy I met on a different dating site back in January. He's 50 (imagine THAT)........................... Probably too soon to say if this is going anywhere, but he is fun and a bit of an odd ball (which I like), and he is tall, dark and yummy, even at 50, and now I'm the younger one for a change."

If my math is correct, the 2nd date you refer to was on 4/17 ? Today is 4/25. ?9 days ago? You have gone from Yay to nay, in less than 10 days, and during those 9 days there were 2 occasions of less than honeymoonesque sex? Yes? No? Seems like you leaped off a cliff here, and half way down looked around to see if you were tethered to the hang glider.

I am not here to bash you, make fun of you or anything else of a negative nature. Truly I mean you no harm. Just logical/sensible advice.
No matter how sexy/sleek/0-60 mph, in no time flat, a hot car looks or drives, it never goes well to drive that car into the ground. You just can't "Give'r hell".
Slow down, relax, take your time, stop rushing. This guy may or may not, be a good catch. The ED thing may or may not be temporary. If he treats you well outside of the bedroom, give him a chance. Communication can do wonders.
And like it or not you are nearing the age of "Life changes". Who knows what you will be like 5 years from now. We ALL get older or die. Regardless of how fit, slender, you are now, your hormones will change. We ALL get older or die.

To answer the question of this thread. Yes, ED is common. Not a day goes by, the commercial or ads for a "pill" to fix things is there on the TV and in magazines. Everyday.
 lilydreams
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 132
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 8:23:12 AM
You know, who is to say that this guy, all buff and damn near perfect, would be a good lover even if he could get it up. Some apples look all nice and pretty until you bite into them and find out they are rotten to the core.

The more you think about this guy and longer the list of complaints you come up with. Also, it was really nice that you added in the bit about him going down on you. We were all going to ask that question...not.

He could have high blood pressure, he could be taking something to keep his weight down, he could be taking something to make his body look buff so all the women go gaga over him and the side effect is a limp d!ck. Half the body builders and body builder wannabe's take stuff they have no idea what is inside.


I do know that I haven't had good sex for a while, and Im not going to wait forever for that to happen again.


Poor you, join the club. I'm sure every man and woman that has posted on here could say the same thing (other than those partnered). The easy solution is to go get laid.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 133
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:12:21 AM
I do agree with Bamagirl in nurse mode that our bodies and sex drive change as we age for multiple reasons ( too many to list).

The two men I met ( who were older than myself ) with ED had one thing in common: they both suffered from depression. It was more obvious with the first, but the latter was an outgoing, creative photographer. Come to think of it, the first was a musician ( I am drawn to artistic people). But their professions did not create ED; there was a medical reason.

My sex drive picked up after I went through menapause: no need for birth control, no more worries about getting pregnant and no more heavy menstral cycles to deal with. I felt more liberated. But I have a friend who is now going through menapause and living with a guy she really likes, but his sex drive is very low; always has been. Her's is starting to slow down with age. Everyone is different.

So, other than the ED, is it possible your sex drive is too high for the guy you are with now? I do know this high/low has been a issue for many couples who are in both long and short term relationships.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 135
view profile
History
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 10:07:46 AM

The body does not have to change for the worse as we get older.

Oh, it most certainly does. It's just how quickly, is all. But you erode and break down over time. You can slow it down somewhat, but how much is also determined by genetics, too. Ymmv, but in a nutshell -- you change for the worse. Everyone does. And certain things are going to be affected and have very little to do with lifestyle. He's in great shape and exercises -- great shape for a 50 year old guy, as you say. Some guys in his boat will still be like they were when they were 30 when it comes to porking a gal silly. Other guys, like him, won't, as his lifestyle has little to do with it. It doesn't take some serious medical condition to have ED to *some* degree when getting older. He's a perfect example of yes, you erode and decay as you age. We all are! :) Good news is, he's 50, not 80. A simple little pill taken once a week at the right time and/or other things that aren't very invasive could help him out.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 136
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 6:34:22 PM
LadyinRed - we had our first date back in January. We had lunch and then went and watched a movie. I liked him then, but wasn't sure if he was a player or not because of his physique and looks. We stayed in touch with the occasional text message, and then on Sunday a week ago, we went for a nice walk together. That was a great day, we had great chemistry, it was all good. Things took off pretty quickly from there, he called and texted me every day, he made plans for this summer, told me he wanted me to meet his friends, etc. All good signs, and I was happy that I had finally met a guy who acted like that. Then last weekend - enter the disappointment in the bedroom, and he got all weird and hyper-talkative and I was like "who the heck is THIS guy". Still sweet and all, but so hyper and constantly "on", trying to be slap-stick funny, it was exhausting. I tried to politely and tactfully tell him that he needed to tone it down, but he didn't get it. That behavior, coupled with the bedroom let down, just made me totally rethink he whole thing.

As far as how I will be in 5 years - who knows, but I know that I'm healthy and energetic and fit NOW and I don't want to waste it. I'll deteriorate one day, sure, but until then, I want to live life to the fullest, and that includes a great sex life. As far as the "life changes" - my parents are both in their late 60s/early 70s and are as active and healthy as most 40 year olds. They go for long hikes, ride 10K with their bicycles several times a week, travel, etc. Zero meds, zero health problems. My mother gets hit on at her age on a regular basis. So no, not everybody is going "down" at the same rate, and since my parents are both holding up pretty well, I strongly assume I'll be in similar shape by the time I'm their age.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 137
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 6:43:04 PM
ndm, I think he might be depressed, too. He does have sleeping issues, he told me about it, and takes meds for that at times. I feel bad for him, I wanted this to work, but I can be honest and admit that good sex is one of the main things I look for in a relationship. Unsatisfying sex is one of the reasons my 20 year marriage ended. I do want to try again, but I absolutely do not want to go through the awkwardness of him not getting an erection again. So on Saturday, after our date was over, I declined to come inside to his place for a bit and went straight home instead.

Might not sound like it the way I write it here, but I'm seriously bummed about this whole thing. I'm paralyzed, I haven't texted him all day today because I just don't know what to do or say. I don't want to "discuss" it either, it's just so weird and uncomfortable. If he mentioned it, I would engage in a conversation, but I don't want to be the one to start that discussion.

And yes, there are plenty of young guys out there who I could sleep with tonight, but I don't want to do that until things are "officially" over with this guy.
 Llove2laughtoo
Joined: 1/11/2016
Msg: 138
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:33:39 PM

Msg: 142
I feel bad for him, I wanted this to work, but I can be honest and admit that good sex is one of the main things I look for in a relationship. Unsatisfying sex is one of the reasons my 20 year marriage ended. I do want to try again, but I absolutely do not want to go through the awkwardness of him not getting an erection again.


I am really sorry to hear this. It goes to show that in the grand scheme of things being a "hot ripped former bodybuilder marine" does not means much, if they can't get hard enough to satisfy their partners.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 139
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:41:06 PM
I am really sorry to hear this. It goes to show that in the grand scheme of things being a "hot ripped former bodybuilder marine" does not means much, if they can't get hard enough to satisfy their partners.

---

Well, I also wouldn't be aroused by a guy I"m not attracted to. I can only imagine how much worse this would be for an out of shape, overweight older guy. Looks are important, and I know for a fact that guys go after the best looking woman they can get, so why shouldn't women.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 140
view profile
History
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/26/2016 7:15:28 AM

Karma:
Msg. 116): the first time we were intimate, he got it up but was done in like 15 seconds

Msg. 122: but after those two fails in the bedroom, he is trying to make up for his lack of "performance" by trying to impress me in other ways, one of them is the constant talking and trying to be funny (which it's not - it's annoying as HECK), and he seems just very nervous. I can't stand it.

Msg. 135: So I’m hoping he's doing some research to figure out what's going on. I'm not doing it for him, he has to want to do it himself

I can’t tell from your posts whether the first time was premature ejaculation or he went limp. Nor can I tell how long it was between attempts or whether he gave clues that this wasn’t the first (or second or twentieth) time it’s happened to him in recent years. It’s good to have all the significant information before making a decision.

Having said that, I agree with you that it’s his body and his life. If he thinks having penetrative sex is important, he’ll do his best to make it happen. If his libido is lackluster, then why take unnecessary risks with medications? Every man has his own priorities, and sometimes all a man will share with a new woman is bravado and bluster (or nervous talk and unfunny humor).

I also agree with the suggestion to talk to your man, but it’s best to be patient until the time is right. Hopefully, he’ll give you an appropriate opening.

Healthy relationships aren’t built on secret thoughts and unmet desires. He needs to know how you feel and how far you’re willing to go to be with him. Will you stand by him while he seeks treatment? This is a new romance, and the man is otherwise your version of a catch. How much time and energy are you willing to give to a potential relationship with him? When you’ve answered those questions, you’ll have a better idea of what to do next.
Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  >