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 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 52
Why is this so offensivePage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
first of all A881e, top dating advice guru's are usually full of crap or have more messed up relationships than all of us put together.

Keep the date short but have a mind of your own.

If I meet a person or just hang with them, I dont act like cinderella and say,"omg; top guru's say only 1/2 hour. I'll run and drop my nike shoe so she can find me. lol"

You read the room. If you are having a good time and the person seems great, nothing wrong with spending time with them.

People need to stop listening to all of these ridiculous dating rules and "guru's" advice and think for themselves.
 Acehonestlady
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 54
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History
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/25/2012 2:39:26 AM
I think that dating advise works on the best scenario even if it does warn about possible bad scenarios. So they do not work on the reality that there are various ways people like to do a first date and why.

Not all men not wanting a short daytime date are against it because they think they won’t get sex.(some are of course) Some men might think it is a waste of time taking time to travel for just half an hour of polite small-talk.

Some might be sick of it not working out on the initial meeting for a half hour over coffee so they only ever get to go out with a woman once for coffee and do nothing more interesting if they don’t get past the first date. They might think (if they have the money) that if they take a woman out for a few hours and do something more than just going for ½ hour coffee then at least they have gone out and done something interesting even if they didn’t hit it off with the woman. I might be wrong but I think this because I have often been taken to a nice restaurant or show even if I have not hit it off with the man but I have had a nice time, so I’m sure some men do too. Where as if it is just a ½ meeting and I have taken longer to get there then I feel it has been a waste of time as it has taken more than just half an hour. of my day and if outside my town it would have cost me a travel when I could have spent it on buying nice food or a nice dress from a charity shop!

But I also think that there would be a lot of men that would prefer to meet for a quick half an hour rather than spend money on lunch/dinner/show etc (half or fully paying) only to find they don’t get on.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 56
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/25/2012 7:56:56 AM

Some might be sick of it not working out on the initial meeting for a half hour over coffee so they only ever get to go out with a woman once for coffee and do nothing more interesting if they don’t get past the first date. They might think (if they have the money) that if they take a woman out for a few hours and do something more than just going for ½ hour coffee then at least they have gone out and done something interesting even if they didn’t hit it off with the woman.


Good points. I like to do more exciting activities on a first date / meeting without any time limits. One suggestion would be "Dave & Busters". They have a sports bar, video games, among other things. In general, I had more fun at these types of dates compared to the coffee dates. Even the dates that didn't work out. Yet this still allows a person to end the date early if it ends up being a disaster.
 jennink26
Joined: 3/11/2012
Msg: 58
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/25/2012 11:32:52 AM
I prefer first meets to be short. I don't set a time limit, but I don't let it drag for hours either. I just go with the flow. For me personally I find shorter meets to be better. That way you can see if you like them in person or if ya don't. So you aren't stuck with someone you don't like or have an awkward first meet. However sometimes they do go on for a while but that typically is a good sign if you enjoy the other person's company. Setting time limits seems too harsh and annoying to some.
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 60
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Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:46:58 AM
this is basically an american based/orientated site and we in the UK date differently to the USA, and it really is that simple...

expectations are different over here, people are different over here, the way we do things are different over here, and you have to adapt those "rules" to suit the way WE do things as compared to the way THEY do things...
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 63
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 7:41:06 AM
Its all in how you present this. Ive had men get angry at this notion as well...they just were not for me. It helped me weed out the men who wont see things the same way I do and I considered it a great tool, not a detriment. It doesnt matter where you heard of it, and I wouldnt even tell anyone that myself, so long as you are doing it and want to meet men who agree to it....nothing else matters really.

I tried meeting men the 'other' way and feel I spent way too many hours being polite and staying with someone for longer than I would have liked to. Im sure a few of them could say the same.

So, if I were to start trying to meet men again, Id do it the same way that has been succesful for me in the past-tell them it is a meeting, to guage real life interest and schedule it for half an hour to an hour, with wiggle room in case we both really enjoy ourselves. If per chance the gent doesnt have that wiggle room on that day, or I dont have it on that day that should be communicated and if one of us is not comfy with the timeline, then arrange it for another day. Anytime I had to actually adhere to the time limit because I had already made other plans, I always let the man know and left the choice to proceed on that day up to him. No surprises.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 65
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 8:15:39 AM

turn it round if guy said i meet you but only for 30mins, would you think he not that into you?


You cannot be 'into' someone you have never met.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 68
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 10:55:37 AM

My last meet and greet we went iceskating together and then went to a australian style bar for some casual drinks afterwards. So we both had fun, were relaxed and got to know each other. Thats the sort of ''meet and great'' I'd like myself.


That's the type of thing I like too.

You actually get out and live a little right out of the gate. Its harder to have a bad experience, or feel you've wasted time, when you do these types of things.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 72
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 2:23:50 PM

TheDarkKnightReturns
if I'm going to take an hour getting ready, putting on my best aftershave, getting a rose, driving over a half hour and INVESTING my money to pay for drinks as a gentleman should,


What if you weren't trying to impress someone, you'd look like a Hobo or a Bum. So when you meet someone new it's all an act, not the real you.



INVESTING my money to pay for drinks as a gentleman should

We complain about our children wanting instant gratification and their feelings of entitlement, If you wonder why they feel the way they do and have trouble facing adversity, or have a lack of respect for others, simply look in the mirror.


Yet as a 'Real Gentleman' you will feed that 'Real Lady's' feelings of Entitlement by paying for everything. Do you ever wonder why some women feel and act the way they do. Maybe you should look in your mirror too.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:31:33 PM

turn it round if guy said i meet you but only for 30mins, would you think he not that into you?

I don't worry about whether or not a guy I've never met is into me, because I don't yet know if I'm into him pre-meet. I only know that we'll find out if there's attraction to go with everything else - or not. I'd find someone who gave me a 30 minute limit to be pretty conscious of his time and realistic about the fact that we can't take anything personally until the meet's happened.

Why should it bother you before you've spent time together in person? Now if after you've met a person continues to put time limits on everything, then I'd understand taking offense.
 sledgehammer79
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 75
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:31:28 PM
For the most part I agree with the OP. Daytime meetings can be tough with my schedule. I don't believe in spending a lot of money or making a production out of a first date. I simply want get to know that person to see if there's potential for a second date
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 76
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 7:10:48 PM
Although I'm a woman, I was put off if a man suggested a 30 minute meet to me. I've always enjoyed unwinding over a leisurely c0cktail in the evening. I focus on work during the day, and didn't like coffee meets---those were neither fun nor relaxing to me. If I wanted a quickie date, I'd join one of those "speed dating" events.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/29/2012 8:42:31 PM

Since when has dating become more like a meeting or job interview...

Since we started dating differently. Years ago we'd date people from our immediate or extended circles - family, friends, work, church, activities...so we knew of them first, we saw them already, talked in passing a few times, and you usually both had people in common. Now it's possible to meet people you've never met and don't know anyone in common with. They are technically strangers.

When I was growing up I went on dates with guys I knew I liked and wanted to spend time with because I already knew them from somewhere and they were associated with my social circle. Attraction and even some chemistry was established BEFORE you talked goals, dreams, intentions, etc. To me, a date is a meeting with romantic intent, and I can't have that intent with someone I've never seen or hung out with before. I gotta "meet" them first in person, no matter how much talking we do online/over the phone.

Once I have done that and actually have interest (and it's returned) - then I have no problem making lots of dates. In fact, I prefer it.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 80
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Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/30/2012 12:27:27 AM
You are probably giving the wrong impression Op that you have limited time and you basically saying these potential dates are not worth any effort on your part, just show up for the interview. I always leave the day open when I meet someone new because I don't want to have to run off if it is going well and we want to continue. I don't think you have to dictate to anyone what is expected on the first date, I give the benefit of doubt that the person I'm meeting knows it's just a short coffee meet too see if there is any chemistry, then we can set up a future date, but sometimes you luck out and the meet turns into a date. Why limit your options or worse miss out on that special someone because you felt the need to point out the obvious, having every moment planned out at the beginning kills any spontaneity.
 Extollere
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 81
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/30/2012 4:23:23 AM

Why do there need to be so many rules these days and so much negativity around meeting people? Its a shame. Limiting a date to 30 mins feels like you're buying some sort of insurance in case the person you're meeting is a massive bore off and whilst I may be old fashioned but it seems a bit robotic and impersonal. I always try to go on dates with a positive outlook and expect to like the person rather than be looking for an early out in case I don't, after all it could be the person you share the rest of your life with.


So agree with this sentiment. Online dating has, in at least some ways, become very, very impersonal.


Just because that spark might not be there it doesn't mean that you can't have a good time and don't like them on any level.


And this. I've had some awesome friendships come out of not-so-great dates. Sometimes you click with a person on a whole different level than intended. If I'd limited them to 30 minutes of my time, then dismissed them for not being a suitable partner or worthy of a second date, I would've missed out on a chance to know someone really freakin' cool.


Since when has dating become more like a meeting or job interview...
.

Relatively recently, from my experience. It wasn't really like this before. But not everyone will treat it like a job and there are still people who take a different approach to it. Those are the ones I tend to date. I personally like a slow progression - email, phone, then a date in person. By that point, I don't feel like I'm sitting there interviewing and being interviewed by a complete stranger. It helps to at least built some type of rapport and familiarity with each other and the atmosphere is far more relaxed and comfortable. And dammit, Machete don't text. Can't stand it. It's just not a suitable way to get one's thoughts and ideas across. Anyway, you just have to develop a nice conversation/communication flow first way before you wind up sitting across from each other over a flickering candle. I find it very, very simple to enjoy a nice night out with someone once I do that, even if they don't turn out to be The One(TM).
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 82
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/30/2012 5:22:00 AM
nothing wrong with short meet ups OP. Use your discretion, if you see the meet up turning out to be something big where you want to keep seeing the person, time would not matter. If not politely bow out say thank you but it's not going to work out between us.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 86
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/30/2012 2:01:31 PM
I've had some... er... memorable dates from online and came to
the conclusion that a simple coffee greet is my... uhm... cup of tea.
If the meet goes well then we are free to do more. I've had coffee
meets go from coffee > to hardware store >to dinner. If they don't
go well then either of us has an easier way to politely escape.

And now for an example of how I came to this decision. It started
as simple as emailing with a cute guy, the emails were fun, we talked
on the phone and agreed that an original first "date" would be the
zoo (who doesn't enjoy the zoo?). Everything was going well, when
all of sudden he started preaching about the evil of alcohol. Nothing
I said could stop him (including "stop" talking about this you are making
me uncomfortable). It was the longest 2 hrs of my life. I should have had
the courage to just walk away, but at the time thought I should stick it out.
 trh1268
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 87
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History
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/30/2012 3:26:51 PM
Why set a time frame on how long the 1st date should be? What if the conversation is really going well? what if there is chemistry? You want the alarm clock to go off and say ''time is up nice to meet you'' no wonder men get pissed.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 89
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/31/2012 12:42:04 PM
A881e

lol; yes, great advice. Lie to the guy the first time you meet them saying you are meeting up with friends. I've really heard it all.

Be an adult and just say you are going to leave in a bit.

People need to start acting like mature adults instead of playing these jr. high games. This thread is getting ill. lol
 I_saw_a_squirell_once
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 90
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/31/2012 1:04:56 PM
"Typical man. Completely miss the point of the thread."

Because all men are the same, right? Oh poor girl who does in no way represent other women, following advice from "expert daters" who are still here dating themselves instead of making her own decisions...but they are experts, right?

Honestly, the whole 30 minute rule is stupid. Heres an idea, BEFORE you meet why not see if you can have a interesting conversation other than "Hey, how was your day?" If you can do that, then your chances of having a boring date already go down significantly.

Now as to why some guys might take offense, you are basically saying "Well I don't see much chance of your being interesting or us having fun for more than 30 minutes." Before you even agree to meet someone, I would really think you would have a decent idea if you could be around them for more than that short amount of time.

Also, you are actually setting yourself up for worst times if you do the whole 30 minute thing. The first time you meet, there is ALWAYS going to be a little bit of awkwardness. Maybe an awkward silence here or there. That is really unavoidable. So on those little coffee meet and greets, there will be instances where you just stare at each other or look around the coffee shop until they pass. Those are no fun! What I like to do, is ask girls the first time I see them to go and play mini-golf. It's light and fun, and makes conversation easier since it is so relaxed. On top of that you can make fun of each other for bad shots and what not. Even still, you can get to know each other while doing that unlike going to a movie. Worst comes to worse, a meet like that can at least lead to friendship where a coffee "date" with an awkward silence or two might just leave you wanting to get the hell out of there. Oh, but you wouldn't want to do something similar to this and have a little bit of fun since it takes more than 30 minutes to play but rather a full hour (Oh heavens no.)

So maybe instead of listening to some ridiculous 30 minute rule where you just sit and stare at the other person while drinking coffee, why not suggest something fun to do because I guarantee you will have a better time than what you are currently doing.

By the way, since there have been a lot of posts about theses "experts" in this thread. On that show "The Bachelor" somewhat recently, wasn't there a girl who had a major dating blog where she would give out advice? Didn't she also have some kind of mental breakdown where everyone thought she was crazy and she was the most awkward person ever while hanging out with the main guy? Last I checked, she didn't last so long.

Keep that in mind the next time you listen to the "experts."
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 91
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/31/2012 7:40:39 PM
Meeting for coffee or a drink works for me, as long as there isn't a preset time limit. That way if it is going well, it can be extended and if not "thanks for the coffee" and out the door you can go. I have had meets that lasted less than 1/2 an hour (couldn't wait to get away). A lunch date that I thought would never end (would never do that again!) I have also gone on a coffee meet at 9:30 on a Saturday morning that moved from coffee to the market, to lunch, to more coffee and a walk by the lake, to dinner and watching a band. If you restrict the time, you run the risk of losing out on what could be a wonderful experience. Just make sure to plan it in such a way that one or the other of you can end the date after 30 minutes or so if it is not working.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 92
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History
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 5/31/2012 8:00:17 PM
I can see the point of view that it may come off as an interview with a 30 minute time frame. But physical attraction is established fairly quickly and it doesn't take 30 minutes to figure that out. The hard part is to fit in what you want to say, but it is a simple meet, so a life story isn't necessary. A relationship needs to unravel gradually so the information can be processed and soaked properly anyways.

If a woman explicitly tells me I have an X amount of time for a meet that is fine. But I admit I would go all out knowing this beforehand. :P
 Stargazerr
Joined: 10/14/2011
Msg: 93
view profile
History
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 6/1/2012 2:33:05 PM
I'm not that big of a fan of that tight of a time constraint, but I do understand the notion of some people to prefer one. I most definitely would NOT be offended. I would be a little disappointed, but still go through with the meet. If we don't hit it off, then it was all for the better. If we do hit it off, we'll have future meets and time together.
 MIredneck69
Joined: 4/7/2010
Msg: 94
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 6/1/2012 2:57:59 PM
I have actually seen this mindset expressed in profiles. ie: Must have a sense of humor. " When We meet You have 90 seconds to make me laugh or I'm gone like yesterday". WTH? I want to meet You not show You My abbreviated stand up routine! smh.
 Tristle
Joined: 9/11/2010
Msg: 95
Why is this so offensive
Posted: 6/1/2012 3:41:30 PM
i think it's because men are needy and insecure with themselves
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