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 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 51
To tell or not to tell...Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Paraphrase break-down:
I had a 'grope session' with a guy I knew nothing about. When I found out what I could have known beforehand, if I hadn't been in skank mode (Not judging. Skank mode has value. lol), I want revenge to sooth my regret, disappointment, and embarrassment.



This isn't about helping out the woman he's with. It's all about you. And you're not even brave enough to deal with the repercussions of ratting him out. Injecting your drama into her life is okay, but only if you don't have to deal with the blow-back of extra drama into your own. I'd just move on and chalk it up to a learning experience.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 52
view profile
History
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 9:14:48 AM

There was no pants dropping involved.


If you did not have sex then there is nothing much to tell, a few drunken sloppy kisses is hardly worth shattering some-one's life over. I would call him and let him know what you discovered and tell him any further contact will result in a reveal to his GF. He may be feeling worse about this than you do right now. But perhaps this will smarted his pathetic ass up.
As a 30 year old social worker with children, I would expect you to be a hell of a lot smarter than someone that has bar hookups or gets in a car with a stranger. What the hell were you thinking????
 MacInOC
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 53
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 9:44:00 AM

There was no pants dropping involved.


Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. No one else picked up on this?

What exactly happened? You "made out'? Let him get to "second base"? What?

Anyway, I would blackmail him. Say $500?

Then continue to carry out your crusade to entrap all the attached for the sake of all womankind. Much better use of your time than actually meeting the right man for you.

Good luck
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 54
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 10:08:59 AM
"out of town" drunk girl + "last fling before marriage" drunk guy 
= bad behavior 
 
Seriously ... are you trying to blame him in your attempt to take the high road?
My motivation would be that I think she has a right to know all the facts before she walks down the aisle. Then it's her choice. However, I don't need drama and the fact that I don't know these people and what they are potentially like puts me in a place of unease.
 
 
Poor you ... You are "in a place of unease." 
 
Sucks to want to "do the right thing," only to be worried about possible collateral damage. 
 
You were dumb enough to hear what you wanted. You were both drunk and neither one of you seem to have been concerned about repercussions of your behavior. 
 
You WILLINGLY fell for it! If you really cared about his status would you have behaved as you did? 
 
Now you're all self-righteous pi$$y cuz you dug around on facebook. 
He doesn't owe you anything. YOU believed what you wanted to hear from a drunk horny guy coming on to a drunk "out of town" girl. 
 
Not sure why you think it is your responsibility to bring a wake up call to someone you don't know and have NO insight as to their life. 
If all you did was "make out," puhleeze. Do you really think a big 60 minutes expose is what you are ordained to deliver and what the situation warrants for him and his family? Go back to your fun interactions with random hookups and leave him alone. 
 
The fiancée will just see you as a scorned random hookup skank. I guess you should ask how you see yourself?
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 55
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 11:04:06 AM

You're not helping someone else cheat by minding your own business. He is a free moral agent and responsible for his own actions. In all likelihood, he has done this in the past, and she knew about it at some point. Neither one of them are friends of yours, so you don't owe it to either of them to start stirring that sh!tpot.

Well put.



I guess maybe I know too many exceptions to this, but I know MANY people (both men and women) who were cheated on not even just once, but multiple times (either multiple people or one person for quite a length of time) and none of them genuinely had a clue.

Maybe they were willfully ignoring the signs, maybe they fully trusted the person, maybe the person was an incredibly good liar. But because they didn't know they were being cheated on, they were willfully stupid and they deserve what they get?

I guess I am one of those who if it was me, would want to know even if it hurt. Though I will confess when I dated a guy for 12 weeks before he finally owned up to being married and cheating; I broke up with him but did not tell his wife. I think she actually did know though. I felt totally slimy after that one; even though he said he was divorced, free, available and wanting a relationship... and kept asserting he was fully divorced when I kept getting red flagsa and asked if he was fully finalized on the divorce?

I think many people who have been cheated on don't have a clue... they trust because they are trustworhty themselves and don't believe the other person capable of it... so I can't fault them on the being cheated on and WOULD feel protective of the wife (or husband if it was a woman cheating on a man)
 windowgarden
Joined: 3/28/2012
Msg: 56
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 11:42:41 AM
As Dear Abby would say...MYOB!!!!!
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 57
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 11:48:44 AM
People believe whatever they want to believe. They can defend themselves by saying "I asked and he/she lied to me."

Who would be dopey enough to believe the word of a complete stranger after you BOTH get drunk and steam up the windows of his car?

Who would go out with someone for 12 weeks and not find it odd to not be invited into his personal space (home, work, colleagues, family, friends)?

Nobody cares who the OP gets nasty with or how far it goes.
What is humorous, is that it was understood by her to be a "random hookup." She even describes it as such.

That is tantamount to a throwaway encounter ...ships that pass in the night.

She took it upon herself to do the detective work on facebook and found out he LIED to her in their drunken, horny steamy stupor.
If the only gate she forced him to pass through was a verbal reassurance that he was "single" (which he is BTW), then I think it is obvious she only chose to hear what she wanted to hear. Obviously, she has the investigative talent to find out who he is and what his life is about. Why wouldn't she apply that skill set to discovering the dirt BEFORE the "makeout session?"
Answer: She didn't REALLY care.

Now that she finds out he mislead her, she is honor bound to inform the wife-to-be (that she ONLY knows through her sleuthing on facebook).

The fiancée may be dumb, and certainly the OP is dumb to accept the word of a drunk, horny stranger she climbed in a car with during a "random hookup."
I think the dumbest part is to think she has a responsibility to inform a soon-to-be-married stranger with two children that she "kissed" her husband-to-be.
Puhleeeze. Rather than punishing him, she should review her own behavior and decide if she wants to expose herself to such a situation in the future.
But that's just my opinion.
 theamazingdani
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 58
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 12:01:56 PM
@Kayla58 While I don't agree with everything you have said about me, I agree that my actions contributed to this situation. If it was me and my fiance behaved in this manner, I would be upset regardless of how little or much physicality was involved. Him portraying himself as single would be enough to violate my trust. That being said, I don't think I am going to say anything at all. As many have said, I am a mother and a social worker. My entire life revolves around following the rules and "keeping up appearances". My career is highly stressful and I am on 24/7, so I went out of town and let my hair down a little too much. There are consequences to every choice and my consequences are that I have to feel a little "slimy" for a while. I will get over it. You're right though, I don't know them or their family and it's not for me to drop a bomb into their lives and then run away from the collateral damage. As for how I see myself, I just view myself as a beautifully flawed human being who does her best to do the right thing.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 59
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 12:04:10 PM

Who would go out with someone for 12 weeks and not find it odd to not be invited into his personal space (home, work, colleagues, family, friends)?


just so you know, I was in his home. Twice.

that was why I kept believing him. I met his work people but never his family.

but good to know how you feel about my extreme lack of intelligence on one of my not prouder moments of discovery.
 tgrlily3
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 60
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 1:52:56 PM
I'm a little suprised about the direction this thread is going.
She made out with a guy, big deal. People are on her like she hog tied him and forced it on him. Since when did everybody get to be so perfect? She's asking for some advice about what to do and everybody throws her under the bus like she's some kind of a freak. I am thinking that most people have made out with someone they just met at least one time in their life??? God save her from your moral judgement if she actually would have had sex with the guy, should we tie her to a tree? Maybe bring back the 'ol scarlet letter?

I'm pretty sure she owned her responsiblity in this, ya'll attacked her enough and didn't really answer her question.

Lighten up and and enjoy your perfect little world.
 fillyphilly
Joined: 5/12/2012
Msg: 61
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 1:55:52 PM
^^^I know but this one was just too good to pass up, sometimes they just hand you the jokes on a platter...I think your first mistake OP was talking to a guy with a ring tattooed on his finger. 'Specially his ring finger. But the two of you appear to make serial poor life choices. I think you're digging the drama, that's why you posted.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 62
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 3:20:19 PM
The fiancée will just see you as a scorned random hookup skank. I guess you should ask how you see yourself?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Some previous posts say that he's probably done it before, and will probably do it again.
Although the OP says he has children with his fiance based on FB, that doesn't mean they are his.
He could have been divorced a year ago, and in that time met his fiance (who already has children).

IMO, this guy isn't ready for marriage. Maybe he doesn't even want to get married. Maybe the fiance is the one steering him to the alter. It's obvious that his fiance wants to get married, maybe so much she is willing to look the other way (possibly as she has even done in the past, and even in the future). This isn't a marriage taking place, it is a divorce in progress. The marriage needs to take place first though. He's out at the bar, she's planning her wedding. She should be willing to cut him loose if he's not ready, but she probably won't. Of course it's because she loves him, and he's going to come to his senses and change. Women are so forgiving. Right? He just won't hear about her real feelings until the time is right.

I'd wager if he placed some female item for her to find, instead of confronting him about it, she'd throw it away and pretend she never saw it. He could go home with hickey's on his neck and she'd accept it as a rash (otherwise she'd have to leave him and with 2 kids, the time just isn't right yet). He'll be thinking that she loves him so much that he can have his cake, and eat it too. Don't believe that, the time just isn't right yet. He could cheat a dozen times before the marriage and she'll find a way to forgive. Let him cheat once after 20 years of marriage and children are already out of the house, and he'll be picking up his clothing from the front yard. No forgiveness then. No jealousy on her part, unattached women are the skanks (threats to her marriage), and her future husband is the victim (he did nothing wrong to warrant ending the relationship). This is delusional thinking similiar to sticking your head in the sand and hiding from the truth. The alternative is to end the relationship, but that would not be in her, or the children's, best interests at this time. That marriage is going to take place come hell or high water, followed in due time, with a divorce.

Telling her should result in freeing him. He's really not ready for marriage. The OP would be doing HIM the favor as much as HER, by telling her. If the fiance presses on with her wedding plans, then HE should ask himself why. I agree with the posts that say she probably already knows. Just don't say it loud enough to remove denial as a viable option to get married.



no-one is going to thank you and you will be deemed a "home wrecker" by all else involved
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marrying someone who clearly isn't ready for marriage doesn't make a home. This is a waste of two people's lives. She'll do it for the kids, he'll do it thinking he has a home inbeween women. Ten years from now he'll be on this board complaining about losing his house and paying child support. She'll be on this board complaining that all men cheat and get what they deserve. This can't take place unless they get married first. The OP isn't a home wrecker, she's a divorce maker. Everyone here says that if the fiance doesn't know yet, she will eventually. Everyone here knows that the fiance shouldn't marry this man. She's ready, but he's not. Every woman on this thread won't say a word before the wedding, but when the divorce comes you'll circle the wagons to show support then. Women are just as supporting of marriage as they are of divorce. If the fiance marries this man knowing he is a womanizer, she shouldn't make it a reason to divorce 20 years from now. If she's willing to look the other way now, she should be willing to look the other for life. She doesn't want to know now. She'd rather say I always suspected, but didn't know.

Today she will say: I still love you, and I will forgive you if you promise not to do it again. Even if he does do it again, she will go back to her denial stage, or just pretend like she's putting up with it out of love.
20 years from now (or less depending on the ages of the kids): I suspected, but never knew. Now that I know I want a divorce. No more denial. Let's see how well his excuse goes over when he tries to tell her it wasn't him, it was those skanks out there. They're trying to break up our happy home.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 63
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 3:58:25 PM
I love Ramperbill's post.

People hear what they want ... Whether they are a soon-to-be-wed woman with two kids clutching at her skirt, or an overworked single mom looking to let her hair down under the anonymity of an out of town bar. The first woman wants to believe in the ring tattoo and the second wants to dismiss it.

Each will be happy to believe what she wants in order to make her "dream" come true!
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 64
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 4:26:46 PM

Wow! loving all the self-righteous indignant messages appearing from the "holier than thou" crowd, it must be wonderful living such perfect lives yourselves with no mistakes, ever!

Which crowd are we talking about here?

The black and white brigade?:


To me the answer is clear and this is a no brainer. Tell his fiance and show her the pictures of you all together. It is her choice to believe you or not. But cheaters should be exposed for the filth they are.



He deliberately plied you with alcohol and lied about his relationship status so he could get you to fool around with him. That makes him a pig and a player.



The best advice on this question is from the smart blonde. She should know what a skunk he is before she ties the knot.



This sleazeball thought NOTHING of disrespecting YOU by lying to you to get into your pants. Therefore, you owe him exactly ZERO loyalty or respect.



I'd tell his fiancee in a New York minute what kind of dirt bag she's REALLY getting in this deal.


Or the posters, mostly women, who have stepped back, taken a deep breath and observed things are seldom as they first appear, there are always shades of grey in these situations and the OP wasn't entirely blameless herself.

The Op's next step is the question, she can walk away and chalk it up to experience, or she can interfere in the lives of a bunch of strangers for the sake of a drunken make-out session.


There are consequences to every choice and my consequences are that I have to feel a little "slimy" for a while. I will get over it. You're right though, I don't know them or their family and it's not for me to drop a bomb into their lives and then run away from the collateral damage. As for how I see myself, I just view myself as a beautifully flawed human being who does her best to do the right thing.

And the OP, being a grown-up, has come to this conclusion also and thus extricated herself from the situation.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 65
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 5:02:27 PM
You are in a bad spot as really you did nothing wrong, but think of what else he could possibly be doing to this poor girl, who hasn't a clue. As much as it will hurt to hear, she deserves the truth, from someone, and then you can let it go with a clean concious. She most likely won't even believe you, but thats not your responsibility. good luck~
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 66
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 5:11:08 PM

@ Walts - Honestly, you raise a valid point. It was a stupid thing to do. I was having a good time and he was interesting and cute, so I let him give me a ride and I let him kiss me, makeout with me, whatever you all want to call it. I didn't sleep with him or "blow" him as others have implied. In my opinion, interacting in any romantic fashion with another woman is cheating. This has nothing to do with revenge. I don't like being lied to, but mostly I don't like unwittingly being "the other woman". If he had lied about anything else, I wouldn't care. Chalk it up as lesson learned and move on. The sticking point for me on this particular issue is that the information has the potential to hurt someone else and the question really becomes, does she have the right to know? And if she has the right to know, am I willing to risk the potential fallout of being the one who tells?


My point being do you have any idea if she knows or not that her "fiance" phucks around on her???? Does she care??? Does he care???? Does it matter in the big picture???? WHAT is the big picture???? And when you ask are YOU the one to break the news, ask yourself WHO ARE YOU to her?????

I'll answer for her."" Your some dumb broad that jumped into my fiance's car without knowing him and starting making out with him,without even knowing him. At least that's what YOU are saying to me right now. Again WHO the phuck are you again????Yeahhhhhhh, I'm gonna believe some dumb broad like you.""

Ya getting the picture yet???? I'm still asking what do you think you will accomplish????? In the "big picture".?????
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 67
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 5:12:43 PM

Even if he does do it again, she will go back to her denial stage, or just pretend like she's putting up with it out of love.


I see. So now HE is not at fault; and the OP is not at fault; it’s all the fiance’s fault, because she is just pretending to love him and is craftily enabling his manwhore behavior to maintain the imagined advantage to herself and her children of having him around. Nice.

I offer the flip side.

The fiancé does love him and he tells her he loves her and she believes him. She’s carried, delivered and is raising his children (OP described the kids as HIS) and wants to be married to the man she loves and create a happy home for her family.

He does actually love his fiancé and made a stupid mistake when presented with the gift of a ready, willing and able drunken offer.

Labeling the fiancé as a naïve, desperate woman living in enabling denial is pretty damn low if you ask me.
 46TENN
Joined: 4/29/2012
Msg: 68
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 7:18:13 PM
It's none of your business what he does.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 69
view profile
History
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 7:23:42 PM
Remember the scene from 'A Christmas Story' where Ralphie's mother calls the other mom and tells her that
Ralphie dropped the F Bomb because he heard it from her son. Then in the background she hears the mother start beating the crap out of Sketch, so she just slowly hangs up the phone. Moral of that story: Being the bearer of bad news does not necessarily help anyone.

People have used scissors on people's privates due to getting calls like this, do you want to be the cause of a Bobbit incident?
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 70
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 7:38:58 PM
Op, dont buy into all the moral high rode--most of them would have done the same thing in the same situation--so you made out with a hot man outside of a bar--who had told you he was single and you had no reason not to believe him--

As far as this situation goes--how did you find him on Facebook? I mean you had to get some pretty good info on him or he had to have one heck of a unusual name--if he gave you the information then contact him and hear his side of why he lied to you-- People do weird stuff so by talking to him first find out why he lied and then tell him you need him to explain to her what happened.

As far as those saying that women/men dont want to know--that isnt true--
 dearsavannah
Joined: 5/19/2012
Msg: 71
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 7:54:05 PM
I'd say that you're between a rock and a hard place. Personally, if it were me that it happened to I would want said person to tell me so that I didn't make a mistake with said man. However, that's the extent of the advice that I feel comfortable giving you.

You shouldn't have been fooling around with a strange man that you had just met at a bar, you're lucky that nothing bad happened to you. Hopefully this teaches you a little lesson.
 997TT
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 72
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/31/2012 12:18:22 AM


My radar says you are seeking attention.
Not saying what he did was right, just seems you
were able to " find" him fairly easy online and now
you have this "dilema".
-ok !


Agreed! OP you're 30. Why the hell would you post about this in a public forum if not for the aforementioned reasons? There are only two choices here and you seem pretty predisposed to one of them... To be honest, OP, what do you expect. You met a guy at a place where people congregate to celebrate the making of questionable decisions. I blame you and your friend for leaving you out with a stranger. Or maybe you invited it? Who knows. Nevertheless, if you choose to be the bearer of bad news, just make sure you do it in a way that doesn't place you at risk of physical or some other sort of harm. People in these situations react in f(_)cked up ways. If you choose to reveal that sort of information I would perhaps refrain from tagging the photo with your personal info etc attached. Maybe create a dummy facebook account and reach out to his fiancee anonymously. Whatever you decide, just know that these are all answers to a stupid question that shouldn't need to have been asked in the first place.
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 73
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/31/2012 1:46:40 AM
no - leave it. a few years ago my answer would have been different. I would think along the lines of 'If I were that woman I would want to know, she doesn't deserve that!' what I have learned is that you can never know the dynamics between a couple, and that there is a reason why certain people attract cheaters. you can't change either of those things, so what's the point? :)
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 74
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/31/2012 9:11:50 AM
I offer the flip side.

The fiancé does love him and he tells her he loves her and she believes him. She’s carried, delivered and is raising his children (OP described the kids as HIS) and wants to be married to the man she loves and create a happy home for her family.

He does actually love his fiancé and made a stupid mistake when presented with the gift of a ready, willing and able drunken offer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's look at another side.

Both your sentences put the words of love into his mouth (how do you know this?). How do you know his fiance love's him? You also describe the OP as being a promiscuous, drunken, run-around; and I guess he's a tee-totling saint who made a mistake. Saying she had a few drinks doesn't mean she was drunk. You just want to see it this way. She could of drank 3 drinks over 6 hours, or even had 6 drinks of diet coke.

That tattoo on his ring finger isn't a wedding band. It is there to symbolize one, but not to place a real one. His supposed future walk down the aisle will cover the tattoo. IMO, that tattoo wasn't put there for his fiance, but for someone prior. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said that that relationship ended a year ago. Maybe he didn't tell the OP about the fiance because in his mind she is not his fiance as he has no intention of walking down the aisle.

The saint is out at a bar sitting in a car with a woman he had just met. You focus on her because she is threatening the future marriage. You even come up with excuses to forgive him to the degree of placing all blame on her, and wiping his slate clean. You don't even want to consider that he doesn't want to get married. I'm just putting a few marks on his clean slate when I say that he is not ready for marriage. You, like his fiance, will accept his MISTAKE so the marriage can continue. If he went home (if they even live together), and told his fiance that he wanted to postpone the marriage, she would not be as forgiving as with the parking lot tryst. The parking lot woman was a mistake and I know you love me, postponing marriage is unacceptable and you don't love me. Is this a woman's view of reality?

This guy is not ready to get married. He needs to go tell her now and stop putting it off. This wasn't a mistake as you say.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 75
view profile
History
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/31/2012 11:15:54 AM
Delete, block, move on.

You're not her friend, relation, guardian, sister, her savior..whatever.
You got caught up with a playa..even if you told her, would it matter? Really?
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