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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 26
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Date em, but don't get serious about em...
till you are sure.

Let your trust be earned by their actions.
Not your attraction.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 27
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History
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 5:50:31 PM
I do think Igor's idea is sound and has a lot of merit. I always pay attention to how my "date" treats the people around us wherever we're at. It can be very telling.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 28
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:00:12 PM
When they get the other woman pregnant... then you'll know...

or follow them around with a camera...

Maybe set up a nanny cam in your bedroom then take a business trip?

You already know the answer to this question.. because if there were, there would either be no cheaters or brothels would become a lot more popular.. (because they can't get a date)
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 29
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:22:41 PM
Thanks Meems.

but I learned that by being stupid and foolish.
:-p

so that bit of wisdom is my way of putting my past misery
to good use for the benefit of others.
....and letting it go.
 VienneSeule
Joined: 5/10/2012
Msg: 30
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 10:32:34 PM
I think the more underlying issue here is the fact that youre clearly not over your past experiences. The simple fact that youre asking if there is a way to weed out potential cheaters before youeven meet is a telltale sign that youre either illogical or dillusional.
Putting this on your profile is even more proof to that. Its kind of stating the obvious I mean who IS looking for a cheater!?

These experiences from your past are going to poison your relationship no matter how many precautions you take to avoid it because its obvious when someone has been damaged and they are just waiting and searching for clues that you are even somewhat like someone who has hurt them in the past.
Either way, youre not going to be giving the new person a chance or a clean slate bcause you are too preoccupied with taking every precaution that this person has no characteristics similar to an ex. (which means your mind is still on your ex and not on the new person at hand, which is bad)
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 31
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 1:14:10 AM
First of all how many guys or girls that cheat; and pretty much half of daters are cheaters; come up to you and say ah,"you put in your profile no douchebags or cheaters. Dang, I'm a cheater and a douchebag so I can't contact her". lol; that's the most naive thing I've ever heard.

Cheaters are liars and they have psychopathic tendencies. They really have no feeling for the person they are cheating on. So how do you expect them to be honest?

First of all you want to stop against cheating:

1. be up front; tell them you have a one time cheating policy; if they cheat once, it's over.

2. look at their actions; if their actions dont equal their words, ONLY look at their actions. When their actions and words are the same, you have a keeper. (i.e. getting and sending sexy photos from a girl or guy but then saying they are just friends and that they love you. They are not just friends and you dont do that to someone you love)

3. NO SECRETS: that means no secret friendships, no secret online pals, no secret meetings with ex's or "co workers". Who you know, they know. It's called respect and accountability.

4. STOP MOVING SO DANG FAST!
I just watched a dateline murder mystery where two upper middle class people spoke to eachother from an online dating site. 18 days after their first meeting, they married. She ended up being a murderer.

it takes a year to really get to know someone. Save the "but we end eachothers' sentences, or we know what eachother is thinking, etc...". Thats cute when you are a teen but come on.

Love takes time.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 32
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 1:33:46 AM

Triumph800rider
I have done a few things when it comes to online dating. First, I Google usernames to find out how many sites a person has profiles on. I also have "dummy" profiles on a few other sites. It is easy to see how active a person is on dating sites and if they are on any sites that should raise a red flag for somebody looking for an exclusive relationship (adult friend finder, hookup, etc...) When you are in an exclusive relationship it is a good idea to google the person's username regularly to see if they have joined any new dating sites. The username should show up in a google search within five days. However, it is pretty common for some dating sites to sell user profiles to brand new sites looking to drum up business by trying to appear that they already have 100,000 plus members. A person's profile may appear on a new site without their knowledge. So, if it is identical to an inactive profile on another site they may not have put it there.


I guess everyone is so stupid they use the same user name on every site. I use a different name here than on a car site and a different name on a 4x4 site, so on and so on. I pick the name depending on the image I'm portraying on those forums. Then some times the name I want is taken and I have to think up a new one.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 33
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 4:07:29 AM
There are signs to look for in a cheater. Do they flirt and look when you are with them? Do they break appointments with you the last minute? Do they try to cover up? Don't answer calls when phone rings? Don't want you to use their computer? Changes plans often? Charms everyone around him? These are a few of the signs to look for.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 34
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 5:09:09 AM

You can buy a cheater radar-wand. I hear Amazon.com sells it for $49.99.


I was gonna give a smartbum answer like this as soon as I read the question,but quickly read this. I bought mine for 29 bucks,but found out later is was a knock off of the original. And here I thought I was getting a deal!!!!!

Cheaters,liars,thieves, or whatever,get better at their trade as they age. Think about that for a minute when you are buying that cheater radar-wand.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 35
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 5:44:38 AM
Agree completely with jmark4.

I never understood putting a don't want list like no liars or cheaters in your profile, it seems like you are baiting them to try and fool you. You can't really know someone completely, we are not mindreaders, only time will tell and even then it can happen to you. I go by my gut instinct and how they treat others around them if the have no problem taking advantage of situations/people I figure I'll be the victim soon enough. When my longterm bf cheated on me, I had a strange feeling something was wrong it didn't take much investigation to find out the truth, cheaters often think they are being careful but usually make mistakes, he tried to lie and switch the focus onto me that I was just insecure and jealous, but eventually admitted it to me, that ended it, no second chances. I try not to focus or worry too much about the person being a cheater at the start you can sabotage something potentially good, I think there is always going to be a risk of getting hurt when you start trusting another, but if you are lucky and it works out, it's an amazing feeling.
 RickLen
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 36
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 7:55:59 AM
I've found an effective way. I call it getting to know the person. Unfortunately, it may take some time to get the final result :)
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 37
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 8:29:48 AM
No. The only definite ways either are catching them in the act or their spouse / significant other shows up while they are dating you.
 SugahPunkin
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 38
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 11:13:05 AM
I think deep down in your gut youll know. Trust your inner voice.
 Quadlog
Joined: 5/26/2012
Msg: 39
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 3:31:07 PM
Some interesting points here and while I wasn't looking for some fool proof way (that's just not possible) I was looking at ways to reduce the likelyhood of cheaters contacting me.

edit - I'm not angry about what happened anymore but I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me. I guess I just have to trust my instincts in order to feel less guarded about things and trust people more.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 40
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 3:42:07 PM

You can buy a cheater radar-wand. I hear Amazon.com sells it for $49.99.


It's called the Cheater-Beater. Even if it fails and they cheat anyway, you can beat them over the head with it, so it's a win-win situation.
 Quadlog
Joined: 5/26/2012
Msg: 41
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 4:11:20 PM

So, if she sometimes hangs out with another, is that cheating?


Of course not; let's not take this to the extreme. Cheating is when you're in an exclusive relationship or you're married. I'm up front that I'm just interested in meeting new people and she's fine to do so as well. I think most sensible people know what cheating is and is not.
 NJ_Phil
Joined: 10/1/2011
Msg: 42
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 5:04:30 PM

Is there any point in putting "cheaters, just move on and don't bother" in your profile?

I really doubt it. The problem is that usually the "cheater" thinks he/she has justifiable excuse and is above being considered a "cheater". There are always extenuating circumstances that rationalizes the deed in their mind. Lucky for me I've never been on either side of it.

As some cute little blonde person said in a prior response, the problem is that Cheaters always Lie....totally agree
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 43
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 5:13:05 PM
OP I have used the if the profile says, as yours does....
- not seeking a relationship nor anything serious and wanting dating or hang out as someone who is not interested in anything monogamous.

Am I wrong?

How do you define cheating?

I suppose like everything else it is relative.

I define cheating when you say one thing and do another.
You at least say you are not seeking to be exclusive nor want a relationship.
So for a woman to cheat on you then she by definition will be exclusive to you and want a relationship?

Or am I missing something.

Apologies if none of this makes sense but it is Sunday morning and I need a coffee.
 Quadlog
Joined: 5/26/2012
Msg: 44
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 6:09:02 PM
Well I'm not looking for sex if that's what you're asking. But if she is, she can very well go out with other guys and have sex with them if that's what she wants to do. I'm just looking to hang out and meet new women with no pressure for physical intimacy.

Really for me cheating is when you're both in an exclusive relationship and other one goes out to seek another persons affection without telling you.

I'm having a drink with this woman tonight for instance. We may or may not click but if we did and she kissed me at the end of the night and then had a date the next day with someone else it's not a big deal. I'm so new to dating I'm just trying to get a feel for it since I've been in a couple of longer term relationships.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 45
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 6:33:42 PM
Yep, there is a way to weed them out...but trust me, you ain't gonna like to hear it. keep in mind, weeding out isn't the same as 100% guarantee, but it still narrows down, decreases the odds, whatever you like to call it.

OK, here we go...what causes a cheater to cheat? It really isn't the victim's behavior, is it? You can always leave a person and not cheat. What makes them disrespect their victim enough to rationalize cheating? What makes the cheater think, "Its ok to put my needs first?"

Its a type of selfishness, isn't it? Caused, as usual, by insecurity, by a poor self identity, right? If you agree with that, then you also realize...cheating doesn't exist in a vacuum. If a person disrespects you in one way (Cheating), then they lack respect for you in other ways, and dis you in other ways.

so why don't you see that? well, here's the part you won't like...those other red flags look like your own. If they didn't, you sure would see them clearly. And if you analyze it.,..you probably do see them as other forms of disrespect. Yet, at the time, you overlooked them, or thought they were a price to pay to not be alone, or...

Now, this isn't to play blame-the-victim, but to answer your question. How do you spot a cheater? by being a stand up person. don't act like one, BE one. then, you will spot a cheater a mile away...simply for the fact that, they are just so different from you.

when they tell you stories about their past, you'll think, "gee, I wouldn't have acted that way." And you'll be right, you are too upstanding to take advantage of people. You never rationalize your behavior towards others. you don't take advantage of others b/c you always provide for yourself.

you know why you don't hang out with thieves? because you recognize them as the opposite of you as soon as they start talking. why don't you hang out with murderers? because they wave red flags that creep you right out.

cheaters? if you aren't so afraid of being alone that you'll get to know someone first...you'll listen to their stories, and they'll stand out as just another person who isn't like you. and why would you be around someone who isn't like you? it doesn't make you comfortable in the least.

and, so, you'll avoid the cheater, out of the discomfort their nature causes to you.
 RERE1026
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 46
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History
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 6:37:37 PM
Thank you Igor.......bippity bobity boo! You said it best! Unfortulately, I have been down the garden path......
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 47
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 8:15:28 PM
I test 'em w/ a game of scrabble first...but! (in full disclosure now), I warn them ahead of time that I'm bringing my calculator to help keep track of the score. BTW, for all those interested-I tried the wand thingy, but everywhere I took it around new groups of guys, it started bleeping like a dying pac-man and the little red dots lit up. Started to feel like I 'knew too much'! :)
 Phil_an_derer
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 48
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/3/2012 4:26:41 AM
When you're in the shower by yourself ...."you have never cheated"....lets face it how many men actually think about the woman they are with....If the person you are with has cheated 10 yrs ago and you have been in a relationship with them for a few years and they finally tell you "they had cheated" are you going to pull up stakes and leave...I doubt it....
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 49
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/3/2012 11:25:25 AM
there is definitely a way to predict human behavior and that is past behavior. past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. that being said, i have known people that have cheated in the past, but have learned from the nightmare, and never did it again. when it comes to cheating, i think an established pattern of such behavior is the key here. also, is the person impulsive, are they a risk-taker? what is the person's attitude towards sex? how do they handle conflicts? a person who can communicate their feelings and express their needs and wants openly is someone that is capable of working on a relationship. often, people cheat because their needs are left unfulfilled, but if the person never asks their partner for what they need, or never lets their partner know that something is wrong, then how can the issues ever be addressed? these are things to keep in mind when you are out there dating people. people who have unexpressed resentment, can't communicate their needs and wants openly to their partner, and have a tendency towards impulsiveness and risk-taking might fall into the higher category when it comes to cheating. there may also be cultural factors to consider as well. is the person from a culture where cheating isn't so taboo? does the person come from a culture where it is considered the norm for a man to have a mistress on the side? also, what about their friends? look at the people around them, and that will tell you a lot about who they are. do their friends cheat? ultimately, if a person doesn't have self control in other ares of their lives, then they might not have self control when it comes to sex - and as far as men go, i think they tend to view sex more casually and cheat for a thrill. this is why it is common for the cheating married man doesn't leave his wife for the other woman. from my personal experiences, i'd say that men like this have a sense of entitlement when it comes to sex and cheating. in my experience, unfaithful men that are very successful or have lots of power and money think that they are entitled to cheat - the rules don't apply to them. of course, they were/are really either sociopaths or narcissists. and let's be honest here, cheating is anti social behavior, and is very painful for the spouse or partner, and it destroys families and damages the children.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 50
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/3/2012 11:43:57 AM

Once it's done once it'll happen again.

I cheated on someone in my 20s. Happened once. Never happened again. Sometimes we learn from our mistakes.

Is there any point in putting "cheaters, just move on and don't bother" in your profile?

No.

Would it just come off as overly aggressive to the non-cheaters out there and would it actually even deter the ones that would prefer to keep their history private?

It won't necessarily detour those who cheat. I don't think most go into a situation thinking, "Hey, I'll get myself into a relationship with this guy and cheat on him." A disclaimer such as that, however, would detour someone such as myself. I get the whole hating cheatering thing, been on both sides of that fence. I'd like to think that people rise about their failures/mistakes and I'd not do well with someone that had been cheated on in the past and was still hateful about said events. Bad things happen to us ~ fix the problem and move along. I see no need to carry my past into the future and statements such as that just scream to me, "Someone did me wrong and it'll never be forgotten."

I've had one experience and that is enough for my lifetime but I want to be realistic here on what to expect on these dating sites.

These sites are no different than the offline world. The people offline are also here. There will be liars, cheaters, beaters, nut-jobs and the like. There will also be good, honest, kind, caring/loving people. The only way to learn someone's true character is to get to know them. JMO
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