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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 92
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
“Most men cheat or certainly want to and some women of course.”

And how do you KNOW that? Is that the way it is in your country?

I doubt if MOST men cheat in the USA.

Some women cheat? I observed quite a few cheating over a lifetime. If I had to guess on which sex cheats the most, I’d guess it isn’t the males.




.
 Oh_WOW_What_A_Great_Guy
Joined: 5/9/2012
Msg: 93
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/11/2012 7:08:29 AM

THere is no way to weed them out unfortunately. Most men cheat or certainly want to and some women of course.
If you are going to use cyberspace dating sites, you will certainly find your share. There is no point in putting that sort of thing in a profile as they never own up to it and it is wasting your time. You need to be realistic and realise that you are not likely to find your ideal man here. They are too busy having success in the real world.


Actually research shows that far more women cheat and to top it off, the ones who admit to it mostly feel justified to do so and believe that it is not even cheating.

I've been talking to another person whom is a scholar, PHD, MD, etc. and that persons observation is "women have evolved to manipulate due to their disadvantages, while men have evolved to serve women".
I am cool with serving and working my fingers to the bone for my woman and family! I also think if that is true, then women should apply their manipulative skills to support the relationship in a positive manner, not to abuse their husband or boyfriends.

To top off the cheating stats that could be obscured, women are more likely to lie than men. This means the stats could be even more off balance.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 94
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/11/2012 7:17:28 AM

Some women cheat? I observed quite a few cheating over a lifetime. If I had to guess on which sex cheats the most, I’d guess it isn’t the males.

Well then, you haven't seen the statistics.

Overwhelmingly, the verious statistics I've seen on this subject show that men cheat more. It would seem women have increased their cheating activity over the years, but still don't eclipse the men.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 95
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/11/2012 10:31:23 AM
yep, sure is:

1)what do cheaters have in common? the ability to rationalize why its OK to treat other people poorly (in other words, a way they would not want to be treated) in order to do what is fun for them. What is it they are trying to accomplish, by putting themselves first, by telling themselves they deserve to bend the rules? How do they get into the mindset that its ok, and start looking? Are they just opportunists, or do they plan from the start?

2)if they plan it from the start...how did you miss the vagueness they had, the doublespeak they used to appear to be the person you wanted, when they were really not answering your questions at all? were you so focused on finding a certain person, that you ignored the vagueness red flags in order to find that person? If so, you need to lose those blinders, and stop seeing what you want to see...but see what is really there in front of you. That's how you spot lies...by looking only for the truth.

3) back to the first point--do you think he just cheats in one field? if so, listen to what he talks about on the first date about things he likes in a relationship. But chances are, he cheats in other ways to...again, he rationalizes its OK. the problem may be...if you do the same. you won't pick up on him talking about it. It'll sound like your own feelings.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 96
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/11/2012 1:09:24 PM
So a cheater, player, whatever goes to your page and read, "Oh my gosh, I must not contact that woman/man, since I am a cheater/player/user/lier, but gooly geesh, she/he is rather attractive and wouldn't mind getting a taste of that."

So the cheater/player/user/lier moves on.

Yeah right!
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 97
Well then, you haven't seen the statistics.
Posted: 9/11/2012 2:24:47 PM
The statistics I’ve seen over the years have always been close.

I don’t know but I’m sticking with my first guess.


Infidelity Statistics
Below are compiled statistics on infidelity and marriage:
Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Well then, you haven't seen the statistics.
Posted: 9/11/2012 2:47:37 PM
Motown Skygirl had this right from the 1st comment, "the important phrase "caveat lector" and taking your time in getting to know people".

Who hasn't found value in picking up cues from the people who surround them? 'Cause so many don't see this as a challenge at all. They can't help but understand what the drives, ambitions and temptations of their spouses and spices are at. Its glaring at them. It makes them angry that peeps waste time explaining what is obvious.

Others don't see at all.

Its not the babe's fault, or your guy's, if you don't see the 1000's of actinic bright signs. They're not hiding what's going on. Keep you eyes open. Don't get caught up in crazy signs. A guy who hasn't closed his POF account is not a cheater. Cruising the internet and contacting old gfs is not cheating.

Real signs:
--- over extended and inappropriate affection at odd times and unprovoked
--- exasperation and excuse construction around opportunities for sex
--- habitual rationalization for minor failures. Like forgetting to get milk
--- nervousness about phone's ringing. Email, facebook,
--- building up a set of accusations of the opposite. if your guy is accusing you about your male friends. .. ??
--- lots of privacy rationalizations. Long periods that have "a good explanation" but no real info

The only meaningful way to weed out cheaters is to develop social eyesight. It's not a hidden talent. Gerbils have it, people can 'contact their inner gerbil'.

Not everyone is made to be in a one-on-one relationship. Its not their fault. They're part of the gene pool.
 Oh_WOW_What_A_Great_Guy
Joined: 5/9/2012
Msg: 99
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/11/2012 7:20:14 PM
I can try to give some clues of my own experience...

When I met my ex, I had a happy go lucky life. I had been a little down for awhile having broken up with another ex. First off I broke up with my other ex because I felt that would be best for her. She did something that she felt I might become mad about at a later time. I thought maybe she was right due to the nature of the crime. I did try to get her to go to anger management and or cognitive therapy and even joined in on it with her, but she couldn't get over what she had done. We had a great relationship and loved each other dearly. She had never done anything to hurt me or my feelings..

But after a period of time, I was ready to start over. A friend introduced me to a woman she met in town here.
We hit it off like crazy.. She seemed to genuinely adore me.. You could say she acted like she was madly in love.
She soon begged me to stay with her.. My place was out of town and I worked there as well so I really wanted to go home during the week at least as I did not want to waste 40 bucks a day in fuel and neglect my cat.
But she won somehow, with sympathy stories about how she been screwed by so many others in the past.. Now I know I have never seemed to be able to catch a break but her stories were more along the line that people were out to get her... This is a RED FLAG...
Over the next few months, she began to get mad about my boss not paying me enough... 40 bucks a day in fuel remember.. She also loved to spend money... TWO MORE RED FLAGS... I owned a class A motor home, top of the line, 4 season, dishwasher, full bath, queen bedroom, new deisel, 7 new tires, off grid northern traveler. Plastic shell with r12 styro insulation and r28 in the floor. I parked it in storage and quit my job out there to get a new job in town just to make her happy... IT WENT DOWN FROM THERE..... about 700 more red flags began to appear over the next 3 years and she is still at it to this day. She is even playing and manipulating the LAW and slandering me all over town.. Now anybody who knows me, knows I am one of the kindest and gentlest men going. I am not corruptible and will never change who I am. She has cost me everything I owned, and every cent I earned as much as $100000 a year income down the tubes and she is still costing me.

If you see red flags, the number one flag is instant desire to be with you! If a woman wont wait at least 6 months without sex before you engage in a relationship, if she says she is moving on cause you don't seem interested.. Bid her fair well as she will be the abusive cheater you want to stay away from!!

OH and she blamed everything she did to me, ON ME!!! And for some dumb reason I thought she was just getting sick from something making her angry and extremely VIOLENT.. And like an idiot, I never reported her and I even stuck up for her at any cost to myself, even when she attacked me so badly I was covered in my own blood from head to toe. I took about 40 punches in the left cheek at different times while I was driving. She even attacked me once while she was driving!! It wasn't till I tried to leave that she started to take legal action fueled with false allegations.. She purgered herself to use the law as a means of extending her abuse, simply cause I tried to stop it by leaving.. I wasn't even breaking up with her, I just rented my own place to give space so we could work things out.

Now this is why we all really want to weed out liars and cheaters... lol
 redhighheels2
Joined: 9/3/2012
Msg: 100
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/12/2012 7:08:54 PM
I don't know of an easy effective way, but I do know that Chevytoo is a cheater. We should have a specific page to post all our knowledge of these cheaters. We could share our experiences so others don't have to wast time and money on the bad ones. Just my opinion...
 Feather21
Joined: 6/6/2008
Msg: 101
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/12/2012 8:07:58 PM
The guy I met on here, who I did like, was cheating on his gf when I met him, and then 2 others since then.

The first gf was a model.

Anyways I finally woke up from this good looking JERK!
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 102
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/13/2012 12:28:12 AM
Truth be told I did an experiment a while back in which I pretended to be a hoochy mama looking for a man, even a married man. Cheaters came out of the woodwork like****a-roaches searching for day old spam. Consistent findings: men with poor communication skills.

Nearly all (except the most scary sociopathic control freaks) blamed their wife or girlfriend for their cheating.

Most claimed to have "done everything" to "try to solve the problem." The "problem" always being that they were not getting what THEY wanted from the relationship.. selfish demanding character. (inability to see beyond their own needs)

Not one showed signs of true personal introspection about their own contribution to the relationship problems or lack of intimacy. (lack of introspect)

Most claimed to have "tried" to talk to their spouse or girlfriend. Again ineffective communication or fear of rejection. Most seemed unable to determine what they were doing to turn their woman off. (defeatism, victim mentality)

Others very clearly were serial cheaters who just "supplemented" sex with a wife or girlfriend and simply did not care if they gave her a disease. They seemed to have a belief that as long as they hid thier behavior there were no real negative consequences (fantastical thinking).

Seemed like many simply had no idea they were likely lousy lovers/partners or just plain boring. There were some whose partner simply lost interest in sex. But they were comfortable with committing adultery and did not want to give up their financial success or be alone and therefore remained married.

Got so that I could predict the excuses or whine or whatever that the cheater would say within the first few emails. The biggest thing was the desire to sneak. They all wanted to keep the facade of stability of their partner while acting like children and placing themselves at risk of being "caught." It was the thrill they were after... some even admitting to being diseased when asked directly (which they also admitted they never told their affairs because the women did not ask). These are not men with very high Emotional IQ's.

so watch for
1. Blaming
2. Excuses or a pattern of "little lies"
4. Escapism/fantastical thinking
5. Oppositional or Defiant parent/child past relationship complaints (A need to secrecy or a sense of wanting to "be naughty" as opposed to being an open and honest man... wanting to place you and himself into potentially compromising positions so that you "prove" your love to him)
6. Mr. Perfect whatever you are looking for, he claims to be.
7. Low Emotional IQ (low tolerance for frustration or not getting his way)/ Egotism/sense of entitlement

Good luck out there folks!
 whimsicalwandarer
Joined: 6/12/2012
Msg: 103
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/14/2012 7:43:06 AM
Curious, fist_togirl. Where did you get this list from?
I find a number of these contentious.


Password protected phone.

I have a password protected phone. I don't like anybody being able to break into my phone and read my text messages, because I value my privacy. The other day I had a family member trying to break into my phone; good thing is was password protected.


Alcoholic. Addict or OCD or some other syndromes.

How does OCD mean somebody may be a cheater? People with OCD have obsessions and compulsions that interfere with their life. And alcoholics and addicts...well, just because they're addicted and may lie about their consumption of narcotic products doesn't mean they'll be a cheater.


They don't always pick up when you call. And don't return calls. And they carry their phone everywhere.

It's called being busy? Or maybe some phones just have bad sound. I don't like talking on my phone if I've forgotten the headpiece for it because it sucks. I prefer texting. And I'm not on my phone every second waiting for calls.


They need you to confirm when you are going to show up. No surprise visits allowed.

I think this is just common courtesy to let somebody know ahead of time when you're going to be showing up, or reconfirming dates.


They don't invite you onto their Facebook page.
They don't introduce you to many if any friends or family.
They need you to confirm when you are going to show up.

Maybe the relationship hasn't progressed to that point yet.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 104
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/14/2012 9:48:48 PM
People almost always tell you what you need to know about them in the first five minutes that you meet them. The key is to listen more than you talk, pay close attention to the words they choose, and the second you find yourself making excuses or rationalizations get the heck out of Dodge.

There are sociopaths in this world but I've yet to meet one that wasn't obvious right off the bat.

As in most things in life the choices you make and the lies you tell yourself are what will cost you.

Work on you instead of trying how to out think a cheater. Become emotionally healthy before starting to date.

Cheaters are predators, they prefer to prey on the weak, the young, and the unhealthy. Predators know that attacking healthy, alert prey is not that productive.
 missme2much
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 105
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/17/2012 1:33:14 PM
I think the easiest way to weed out cheaters is to stop dating...................LOL I don't know, I could be wrong, but since I ditched dating, I haven't had to deal with a single one. So I really think it works.
 Oh_WOW_What_A_Great_Guy
Joined: 5/9/2012
Msg: 106
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/17/2012 11:20:27 PM
This list sounds like my ex... I think this is bang on the money folks!!


1. Blaming
2. Excuses or a pattern of "little lies"
4. Escapism/fantastical thinking
5. Oppositional or Defiant parent/child past relationship complaints (A need to secrecy or a sense of wanting to "be naughty" as opposed to being an open and honest woman... wanting to place you and herself into potentially compromising positions so that you "prove" your love to her)
6. Miss. Perfect whatever you are looking for, she claims to be.
7. Low Emotional IQ (low tolerance for frustration or not getting her way)/ Egotism/sense of entitlement


 masterotaku
Joined: 7/20/2012
Msg: 107
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/17/2012 11:23:57 PM
In my experience people (or at least women given they are the ones I have experience with) will project their own fears and jealousy along these lines towards you. I have been accused many times of this, and it has always been the accuser who ended up getting caught doing it.
 Phil_an_derer
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 108
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/19/2012 9:18:57 AM
They are called cheaters for a reason, because they can get away with it and did get away with it....
The only sure way is to rip out their heart, if it still beats he/she was a cheater....
 geekymister
Joined: 7/7/2012
Msg: 109
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/20/2012 10:33:02 AM
Have a hot friend try to seduce them. If they're seduced, then they're a cheater.
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 110
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/20/2012 7:24:41 PM
look at your beliefs and expectations about being cheated on. that is the only way you will stop attracting cheaters
 boaterguy7
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 111
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/20/2012 7:39:39 PM
If you find it, please let me know.
 mark777771
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 112
view profile
History
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/20/2012 9:52:46 PM
good luck. Unfortuneately you have to take a risk. No guarantees in life. Get to know them better before you bed them down might help. Guys cheat, gals cheat. Evidently there is more and more of it going on. Hard to find good genuine people. Good luck.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 113
view profile
History
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/21/2012 3:16:54 PM
Not effective but there are some clues. Never wants you around only when they say so, sneaking around, tells you they have to leave early even when you had a great time, hiding cards, paranoid about cell phone and you seeing the number, won't let you use cell phone if you need to, won't let you use their computer, paranoid if you happen to see their mail on the table, doesn't want you to look at pictures on his dresser or fireplace, watches you like a hawk and follows your eyes to see what you are looking at, accuses you of snooping, flirts with women in front of you, doesn't want you to meet his friends or family, doesn't want you to meet anyone he works with, never wants you to meet his family or go to any family events or grandchildren events. Embarrasses you in front of people, is very controlling and jealous of you because he is the one cheating not you.
It is hard to catch a cheater. They are usually good at their game. Just be honest with them when you get some proof because they lie and confront them about it, set boundaries and then break away no matter how hard. You can't change anyone but yourself.
 blkknightx
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 114
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/21/2012 9:14:39 PM
Well said Motown....

90% of cheaters are on a time constraint! They only have a few hours here and there, they always got something to do or somewhere to go after....these are the ones that are easy to figure out. The other 10% you can never sniff out cause they have a green card. These guys with the green card.... their partner never asks questions just accepts. The guy can leave in the middle of the night, talk to women on the phone or be gone for days. I heard of a married couple where the man never sleeps home on Fridays and she never asked where he goes and this has been the case for years.

But here are some quick signs to look for :

1) You never get invited to his house
2) You never get his home phone number just his cell
3) He txts you at night but never calls
4) He never can sleep over your place or you his
5) His weekend visit are non existent or very short
6) Dates are cancelled alot and alot at the last minute
7) His reasoning for all the above does not make sense
8) He wont add you as a friend on FB eventhough you been seeing each other for a while

*The biggest sign is when you get a call or email from his partner ;)
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 115
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/21/2012 9:48:32 PM
To add to blkknightx list:

- He is always going to/from somewhere when he calls
- He always pays cash for things
- If the two of you do something that requires a credit card, he asks you to do it and then pays you back
- He accuses you of some level of cheating (frequently)

In all honesty, a cheater isn't all that hard to spot. We just have to see the truth for what it is and turn off the blinders.
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 116
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 9/22/2012 5:02:15 AM
I would say NO! People are selfish, and seek to do what makes them feel good at the moment, not too many people care that much about others first or if they hurt them. But, will say if cheating on you is the worst thing that happens to you with someone, count yourself lucky.
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