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 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 26
Date sites and self esteem Page 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I was feeling the same way for a while, but in seeing how so many people operate on here, and just in life in general, they are such flakes I couldn't care less about what they deem "important" or "attractive." Doesn't make for any less loneliness, but I still know I am a good person, and have dated some very beautiful women in the past, so I know I'm not a leper. My views on SOCIETY and people in general are not helped by this site. I think that fuels my frustration moreso than any perceived rejection. Anyone who reads a profile and looks at a pic and thinks they "know" a person is sorrily mistaken.

They don't know YOU, they know a superficial online likeness of you. YOU have not been rejected unless you meet face to face with a woman. Remember that. Only their interpretation of a meaningless profile has been "rejected." Too bad for them.
 Dmaj7
Joined: 5/13/2012
Msg: 27
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 2:31:53 PM
Self esteem and confidence are funny beasts. Confidence builds confidence and self esteem builds self esteem. Often you just need to get started. When you start to have some success you will gain momentum. When you are having a string of strike outs it's easy to get dismayed. Try to stay positive. Probably the number one think you can do to turn things around. Actions follow thoughts. And if your thoughts are negative then you will just stay defeated.

I have let this site get me down in the past. Now I just refuse to. I have fun and I don't give one iota of care to rejection. Takes some practice. Care less. Don't be apathetic, just care less. It will set you free.


Look maybe I am to thin skinned for these dating sites

You can't lie to yourself. Accept or change it.


Already know what happened they moved on to something better


No they move on to something else that sparks their interest more. Date sights have nothing to do with your self-esteem. Your inner dialogue has everything to do with your self-esteem. Do not attach external events you have no control over to your self worth.


Also my opinion is they are more jaded then us males

Don't confuse opinion and fact. The fact is we don't know. But believing it puts you at an immediate deficit when you interact with women.


Does constant rejection help or hurt ones self esteem

It's not an either/or situation. Constant rejection can be seen as a positive. It means you are still making attempts despite rejection. It could be a negative because you haven't figured out if there is something flawed that you need remedied. Self esteem may possibly be why you have a high rejection rate. I think you may have cause and effect backwards. Rejection isn't pleasant but you need to be able to shake it off and bounce back.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 2:39:33 PM
I have no idea where people get this perception that self-esteem comes from within, like it’s something you’re born with (nature). Self-esteem ultimately comes from other people’s behavior toward you (nurture).

If you were conditioned your entire life to believe you are worthless, then you will almost certainly believe you are worthless. If you were conditioned your entire life to believing you are God’s gift to this earth, then you will almost certainly believe you are God’s gift to this earth. Those of you who were conditioned to believe the latter will almost certainly shrug off every rejection that comes your way, as you believe anyone who doesn’t like you has to be beneath you (“his/her loss!”). Contrary to popular belief, a person’s not going to gain any self-esteem without any positive reinforcement.

That said, there are few people born into an absolute situation (at least in the modern Western world). Even if you’ve lived the “Precious” life, most likely you’ll come across someone eventually that will give you the positive reinforcement you need to overcome weak self-esteem. Most likely you’ll read something or see something that will help you realize that there might be good inside you. And most likely even if you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re God’s gift to this earth, you will eventually come across someone or read something or see something that will knock you down a few levels, maybe even to the point of feeling worthless.

Obviously, the idea behind having strong self-esteem is such that negative reinforcement doesn’t have much of an effect on you. But the problem with that concept is, there are truths in this world, and too much self-esteem can simply lead to being delusional when all evidence points to you being “bad” in some way.

And quite frankly, if you’re piling up rejections on a dating website, there IS something wrong with you, no matter what your “self-esteem” is telling you. I’m not necessarily saying you’re unattractive -- heck, what may be wrong with you is just your location (I went to college in Gainesville – if you’re not college-aged, then there’s not much else going on in that area -- VERY small market). It may be your approach. Or, you just may be unattractive! But most likely, if you’ve had a fair amount of dating success in the “real world” and are failing on a dating website, that’s not it.

But I definitely wouldn’t put much stock in a sample of 15. Come back to me after 5 years and thousands of emails (which means I’ll be up to 10 years and many more thousands of emails), then we can talk. Dating-wise, my self-esteem’s rarely been very high because in real life situations (dating all the way back to elementary school), girls/women were always pretty consistent about rejecting me with comments detailing how worthless or undateable I was (in rural Alabama, little girls are mean as snakes), but I joined POF on a hot streak after dating women I actually found attractive (including a model) for several years in row. Thanks to that puff of positive reinforcement, it took about 3 years of few responses, once-in-a-blue-moon first contacts from women (almost always repulsive) and no meetings before POF did to me what it’s doing to you. I would say you probably are a little thin-skinned if you’re down to my level after only a couple of weeks.

That does not mean, unlike the other vampires in this thread, that I don’t have any sympathy for your cause. But I’ve known for many years I’m in the bottom 1% of men statistically and that 99%+ of women will reject me, and my whole adult life getting dates has pretty much been my third or fourth job (depending on how many “real” jobs I was holding at the time), because I have always had to work much harder than most other men to get dates (despite the fact that my one true girlfriend just fell out of the sky and I put no effort into getting her to date me whatsoever – life is weird like that). I could for a while send out 200 first contact emails in a week and get maybe 10 disinterested replies that went nowhere and not think much about it, because I knew how strongly the odds were against me, but after a few years, it just starts to wear on you, realizing there’s nothing more you can do to improve your lot, because you’ve already done everything you or anyone else could think of doing outside of outright lie, and life is just slipping away on you...

I just don’t feel like you’ve let this gone on long enough yet for it to have a serious impact on your self-esteem unless there’s something I’m missing here. Seems like you’re just tossing around the concept of the effect dating websites have on people’s self-esteem and not taking it seriously.

And on that same note, I think Outmind is just tossing around numbers (I bet money my thousands are many more than his “millions” – want to see my contact history?).

“I suppose it would get to me if I multiplied that number quite a bit.”

Exactly.
 providence75
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 29
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 2:55:43 PM
I have no idea where people get this perception that self-esteem comes from within, like it’s something you’re born with (nature). Self-esteem ultimately comes from other people’s behavior toward you (nurture).

If you were conditioned your entire life to believe you are worthless, then you will almost certainly believe you are worthless. If you were conditioned your entire life to believing you are God’s gift to this earth, then you will almost certainly believe you are God’s gift to this earth.


You put the words together in a way that seems you're knowledgeable but this is way off. However, it may make some feel temporarily better about themselves to believe it since it allows them to justify their lack of _____ .
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 30
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:06:03 PM
The comments on this thread remind me of a scene from the movie "Staying Alive" with John Travolta, where the woman asks him to leave after they have sex, and he says, "No one has ever asked me to leave before", to which she replies, "don't take it personally", to which he counters, "how can I not take it personally? I'm a person!"


How much rejection should one expect as a male ?


A truckload, unless you have GQ models looks coupled with a fat wallet.
 kingslayer64
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 31
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:22:44 PM
Ok lets see its my problem and must be due to my lack of self esteem ? As if everyone on POF's is super high and should always be ?

Nobody should take rejection personally .

Oh and just get over it ?

Yeah I am getting over it thats for sure thanks ! LOL

And best advice and I will take it :

dmaj :"I have let this site get me down in the past. Now I just refuse to. I have fun and I don't give one iota of care to rejection. Takes some practice. Care less. Don't be apathetic, just care less. It will set you free. "

You betcha !
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 32
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:27:40 PM
If any of us guys were to take a poll...
of the planet...of all women.....
no matter how attractive we are(or think we are)
most women...worldwide....would not think us so.

We could be muscular,
but some women prefer thin.
we could be smart,
but some women prefer not so smart.
ect.
...ect
....ECT!

The idea....that some guy....even some super guy....
could be attractive to most women....most of the time...is a myth.

within the other...ever more complicated sex....
is abunch of different niches..some very nuanced....
as to what they consider attractive in a guy.

So the nature of online smoozing is that most women
we try to contact will probably not be into us.
No matter who we are.

THE GOAL is NOT to keep sending random messages to random women
and hope for the best....
but to FIND what niche you resonate with and contact members of it
that are attractive to you.

You do that,
you will be aces.
:-P
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:42:24 PM
Dude do not allow your ego to be hurt it is normal , it is a rough crowd some women love to make a guy feel small hahahah. Accept it millions of guys in the same boat here , candy land for women especiallyu the young ones, the ones that say they get almos t nothing actually get some but are not interested. Its like never being asked on a date ever hahaha. In life find friends of female friends, that works.

Dude this is a tough crowed , especially the women be careful you will be eaten little guppy.
generally women do not really know what a man goes through, from their young life they
had boys chasing them in school to bars in college men to woman ratio was 10 to 1 and still is, as they get a little older and more mature as older guys die off and are married , they get less responses, so do not
be shocked by seemingly harsh remarks and personal attacks , it is normal around here.

Women in all ages and walks of life generally do not take the initiative, it's like abar or a dance club , you wanna dance you are the one who asks or pulls a girl to the dance floor, you get rejected , it can happen 30 times in a night, it happens to me often, I like going out, minimum 15 rejections and max around 30, I do ge to dance sometimes alone, there always several times more men than women and they are not actively asking any guy to dance or even initiating conversation, then you have the crowd of guys actively trying to contact the women , some turn their heads and ignore, others say hi and walk away others pretend no to hear o look at you, some say no and smile and if you try to talk to them they may brush you off. The guys who get game are the lucky hjandsome tall and successful 5 percent( it just seem so), women may settle because they are bored but do not seem interested.

It is exactly the same as in real life, I as other guys have sent many messages , I have at one time sent 200 messages a month with no responses, I have been here years, I have gotten like 3 responses a month at one time , they were only compliments or complaints from my comments in the forum hahahaha, I have my profile but am not active .

I had one pretty cousin place a profile here, she got 300 emails a day so it seems, her sister who is not as pretty got 20 a day , their heavy friend got 10-15 a week ,, an aunt of mine who is 55 gts 3 a day sometimes none, my male cousins get nothing , we are amazed if one gets one, I know we were comparing quantity when my cousin complained in getting 300 e-mails ,

Dude like in real life but worse here, you have to work hard have special writing skills , like they say you have to have game, women love the game they like the game played properly , you do not play it properly you get ignored.
 providence75
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 34
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:43:48 PM
Re-worded and taken out of context.

Not take me seriously? Ouch, you hurt my self-esteem... --sniff-- I'd better find someone quick who will positively nurture me before I'm damaged forever... o_O
 HeartOn64
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 35
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:45:56 PM

If that is true, doesn't it tell you how ineffectual the advice is, given that it's intended to address those exact problems?


Ohhh the irony of the first sentence of your profile
It seems you do have the concept down pat,
you just can't seem to believe it.


If you don't want to believe that I'm fantastic, thats up to you



The reason doesn't matter. It remains a rejection of ME.[/quote

And no one owes you or me or anyone else anything but maybe a "Thanks, but no thanks."


I have done so before. I will probably do so again.


That's just silly.Why would you date someone to spare thier feelings of rejection if you weren't attracted or compatible with them?

I think it might come down to the fact that being in a
place that has 1000's of possibilities,people tend to be more picky,judgemental and scrutinizing than IRL.

They don't call this place Plenty of Fish for nothing.
 ThreadMasterB
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 36
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 3:59:45 PM
If you're letting a website effect your self esteem, that's not a good thing.
 kingslayer64
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 37
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 4:45:05 PM
fairblonde :

"I do wonder how those with "insecurities" of getting rejected on here feel when they go out to bars.
Do you encounter rejection at the bars as well? If so, well, it's basically the same thing here on dating sites."

No its worse LOL..And I stopped going to bars a decade or so ago ..Bars are for children, drunks, bar flies, and I need my drivers license ..

"Never give up and never ASSUME!
Dating is tough for both sexes, not just for the males!"

Tough for women how ? Really how many requests for dates a week do you get ? How many do you turn down because of superficial things like lack of hair or hieght ? Yeah same for women how ? You have to spend more time deciding why you wont date a guy ?

I wonder ..
 kingslayer64
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 38
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 4:52:52 PM
stray cat :

"THE GOAL is NOT to keep sending random messages to random women
and hope for the best....
but to FIND what niche you resonate with and contact members of it
that are attractive to you.

You do that,
you will be aces.
:-P"

Thats if these specific woman live within your travel zone and they aren't lying on their profiles ..But thanks !

Yeah I didn't think it would be easy to find my soul mate ..But I thought atleast getting a date would be even if I agree to pay for the whole thing .

Boy was I wrong again LOL..
 fillyphilly
Joined: 5/12/2012
Msg: 39
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 5:14:01 PM
It never ceases to amaze me how people think online dating is like the supermarket, you see what you like and put it in your cart and take it home. How many women do you approach offline and how many of them end up dating you? Yeah, I thought so. This is simply a medium where single people who are interested in dating may approach one another knowing that they have the same goal-to date or find a relationship it helps you not waste your time on married people or people who aren't interested in dating. Beyond that, nothing. Is it easy to find your "soul mate" offline? Didn't think so. So why should it be different on here?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 40
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 5:18:32 PM
Well there are two things you should take from my post.

1) Encouragement.
In that it is a given most women you contact
will not be that interested in you.
Just the way it is for all guys online.
No reason to lower your esteem over it.

2) Often we hit on types that are not our own.
(we just think they are)
So you need to branch out and quit making
such a big deal about what is on their profiles.
(in fact, work on yours. It is paper thin and a guy with weapons...even a bow...
strikes most women as abit scary)

But getting back to the branch out thing.
Now wouldn't be great..for me....if I could find
the type of women who are all supermodel gorgeous
and will wash my truck for me once a week.

Assuming such a type did exist....
.......I seriously doubt
..........I would be their type.
LOL

Often our frustration
is just a mismatched search for the wrong type.

but if you want to keep hitting your head on that wall,
go ahead.
You'll either figure it out in time.
Or get a new hobby to pass the alone time.

till then....geez, profile review and loose the weapon pictures.
 dearsavannah
Joined: 5/19/2012
Msg: 41
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 5:42:59 PM
I suppose it depends on the person, some may find it to be a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" kind of deal. However, if it does hurt your self esteem, you just have to learn to roll with the punches. Most people expect to come on and find somebody immediately, when that isn't the case. A lot of trial and error is usually experienced before you find somebody that you want to be in a relationship with.

I can't really give you any advice on the male perspective, but "toughen up" and "rub some dirt on it" sounds about right. lol ;)
 MementoMori32
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 42
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 6:18:05 PM
The biggest problem I have with this site is the methods of rejection. Getting ignored. I think it's sad that you've sent out messages to 15 different women and not one of them was courteous enough to respond. Honestly man, I wouldn't want to date a woman that isn't nice enough to respond to her messages anyway. Dating is a ****, for men and woman. I think it shows a little decency when someone tries to make it a little easier on the other person.

The content rejection online can definitely take its toll on your self esteem, these forums prove that to anyone paying attention. I no longer out any effort into meeting anyone on here. Go out into the world and interact with people. It works much better.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 43
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 6:54:27 PM
Unfortunately most women that don't respond probably did in the beginning, but with the nasty responses to polite rejection why send polite rejection?


Tough for women how ?


A lot more of us send out initial emails than you think. We get rejected a lot too. We also get men writing back assuming we plan to jump their bones on the first meet.


Really how many requests for dates a week do you get ?


Me? None - online or in "real life".


How many do you turn down because of superficial things like lack of hair or hieght ?


None. Never have, but I have turned men down for being rude.


Yeah same for women how ? You have to spend more time deciding why you wont date a guy ?


Now you're being childish.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 44
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 7:17:25 PM

Men hold the trump cards...


That may have been true 500 years ago, but not any more.


...we wait for them to seek us.


You don't have to anymore. In most Western societies, woman are free to initiate contact, to ask a man out on a date, plan a date, and pay for a date with her own hard-earned money from her own job. Only those who are too archaic in their thinking will have a problem with that.


When they do we can only respond.


Or ignore. As the case often is on here.



We can try to make you happy, you have to be satisfied for it to work.


It does indeed take 2 people making the effort to make a relationship happy and fulfilling for both sides.
 thepigofyourdreams
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 45
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 8:00:14 PM
I have no earthly idea what the hell it is most guys are doing wrong on this site, but it has to be something.

I'm guessing many of them just go after any attractive female they see, regardless of whether they have anything in common or not.

It's actually rare that I write anyone, but when I do, I read every word of the profile beforehand. I only write the ones I have a strong feeling will reply, and I have a lot in common with. I would say 75% of the time they do respond.

I think it's best to make sure you really do pick ones that you think you have a lot in common with. I have a feeling a lot of guys are picking one small thing and running with it.

"OMG! She likes football, too!! We're soulmates!!"
 KillmeNowPlease
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 46
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 8:24:01 PM
^^^^
I'm guessing many of them just go after any attractive female they see, regardless of whether they have anything in common or not.


They sometimes will go after females they find to be unattractive too because some think unattractive, older or "fat girls" are so desperate...

As I've read through this thread, several men have complained about sending out multiple emails and getting no responses...I generally don't respond to cutnpaste, emails that say only Hi or what up, type thing because when I did in the past, sometimes I'd get back a very rude response... so after a few times of trying to be polite, I eventually figured out..oh they just did a mass mailing and I got included simply because I am female

The fact you read the profile and look for common items with says you truly are interested in that person and not just seeking anything. I think most women will respond to those types of emails-I always appreciate whenever a man has referenced something in my profile-even if it was something he didn't agree with.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 47
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 8:38:50 PM
You may be too thin skinned as it takes a tough hide to deal with dating site rejections and those that swim around in this big pond. I agree that you should meet as soon as, and if they wont do that, then move on. It is true that guys outnumber women greatly on dating sites. So you are at a disadvantage. I have met a few guys from here and I dont like the idea of having to front up to strangers and all the attendant anxieties. So I just prefer the forums nowadays.
You should be looking around in real life for a partner and you can see what you get upfront and whether there is any chemistry. Rejection hurts everyone on some level and it is not easy to deal with. However you should not allow cyberspace contacts to damage your self esteem. You dont know who you are dealing with after all. They could be anybody with all sorts of issues going on.

I like your profile but you need perhaps more pics and full length. It is the nature of dating sites not to do well so dont take it personally. You are attractive looking and seem intelligent.
 TheCastle
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/5/2012 9:52:37 PM
I have to admit I felt a bit rejected at first, and I took a step back and thought "Why am I feeling anything, I don't know these people and they don't know me!". Like most have correctly stated its not personal.
I think i'm passable still in the looks department even though i'm getting older, and I have alot of baggage behind me lol. But I still get some message replies, maybe not as many as I would like but hey it takes time and I would rather know we are really compatible for a real relationship than just rush into whatever comes by.

And at times I have sent a mail to someone I wasn't interested in because something in their profile, pic, or post stood out to me. And I didn't expect any reply or even a thank you for the compliment etc. I didn't do it for recognition from them. But guess what? I think just about every one I mailed has mailed back a thank you, and most often had something nice to say in return. I think its more a matter of the women being overwhelmed, not overly picky.

Just my 2cents Good luck fishing everyone!
 missraven1
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 49
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:03:12 AM
If something in a profile engenders a positive emotion "ah that's interesting" or "haha that's funny".. and you write to the person in a corresponding positive vein, taking the time and effort to..
search for a profile of someone you're interested in
individualize a message in response to that profile
send a message in good faith hopeful of a reply
..time and time again..getting rejected or ignored.. I imagine it can depending on the person negatively affect their self-esteem. .. perhaps because of magnifying their insecurities for the most part..or at least doubt themselves..in so far as their looks/self-description/messages are concerned.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 50
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:21:50 AM
Don't write to ppl expecting that they will reply (cos 80%-90% of the time they probably won't!) ........ After a brief message of whatever it is that you'd like to say to them (ideally something pertaining to their profile) just leave them something along the lines of "Let me know if you are interested!" ...... No response = No interest. Simple as that.


I agree with the others who say you just got to have thicker skin and not take the no responses so damned personally. ... Look at it this way ..... Being in the real world you are bound to get rejections as well. Its just slower and less amplified as on here, where you are able to send messages to a hundred different ppl in a just few mouse clicks.
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