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 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 51
Date sites and self esteem Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
A girl that likes football is one thing but if she doesnt have a hot pic he wont be interested no matter what else they may have in common supposedly, from a profile.

I think that guys who dont do well in real life are here, that is all. They dont know how to approach a woman, have little to offer, or are just sleazes looking for random contacts. Not all. Dont howl me down. I haved had men 20 years younger contacting me in droves so they dont read a profile and are just trying it on.
 MementoMori32
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 52
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 1:21:33 AM
Somestrangeman: I like what you said about constant negative reinforcement, it's true. The women here just want to say whatever to justify their treatment of others. It's sad.

I see people comparing online dating to offline dating. It's like night and day. I can strike up a conversation with a woman easily on the street. People are receptive and are usually willing to chat. Yesterday alone I had good conversations with 2 random, attractive women. Online, women take one look at your profile and don't give you the time of day, no matter what you say.

I'm sure women get tired of the sexual messages and the boring messages where guys just say hi. Problem is, you motivate more men to send those messages you hate by ignoring the nice, thought out messages from decent men. Every single man I know who has dealt with this site has dealt with the same thing. Treat people how you'd like to be treated. If you ignore friendly messages from nice guys, don't get upset by the cynical copy and paste messages.
 cja41575
Joined: 4/30/2012
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 2:32:23 AM
Well, just yesterday I managed to set up a real life in the flesh meeting with a woman I initiated contact with. We emailed for a couple of weeks then had a great telephone conversation. Everything seemed primed to move to the next phase, but as soon as I hung up the phone I was innundated with negative reinforcement and was soon convinced that this was something I had absolutely no business attempting. I guess the idea was appealing at first, but when it came down to it I realized I had no confidence and wanted to spare her the trouble of finding that out for herself.

About an hour ago I texted her to let her know that I was cancelling our afternoon meet because I really suck. This would have been my first date in over 9 years. You can call me an idiot for this, but I already know that.

What's the point of this post? I guess it's just that if a deformed troglodyte like me can theoretically get a date on one of these sites (even with a vague profile and a few lousy photos), then anybody can. It's obviously too late for me, but there's hope for you.
 Hybridized
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 54
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 2:45:56 AM

I have no earthly idea what the hell it is most guys are doing wrong on this site, but it has to be something.

I'm guessing many of them just go after any attractive female they see, regardless of whether they have anything in common or not.

It's actually rare that I write anyone, but when I do, I read every word of the profile beforehand. I only write the ones I have a strong feeling will reply, and I have a lot in common with. I would say 75% of the time they do respond.

I think it's best to make sure you really do pick ones that you think you have a lot in common with. I have a feeling a lot of guys are picking one small thing and running with it.


I don't know, Piggy, maybe it's location. ¯\(º_o)/¯ Actually, we've got similar tastes, me and you (though I'm a good bit more new school), and I have a****of time finding women into the stuff I'm into around these parts... so I forgo things likes music, cinema, motorsports, and career arc, and look for things like cuisine, exercise, love of comedy, writing or art to try and connect on.

I've NEVER had a real response on here, and only one date from one of the other dating sites. It's quite a wake up call on how generally unattractive and uninteresting I must be. I can't say it's affected my self esteem, per se, but certainly my perspective.

I'm also of the belief that the shared love of trite things isn't necessarily the best means for connecting with someone. While it's nice that you and a potential girl might both like white wines, it's hardly fodder for a good connection, emotionally or physically. Views on life, perhaps... shared hatred for the Raiders... not so much. I even caveat that on my profile. I can't think of a single relationship that I had a bunch of hobbies in common with my other... we just shared that stuff after the fact.
 HeartOn64
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 55
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 3:08:18 AM

Pfft, you're mistaking sales bullcrap for the genuine belief that I can think I'm fantastic/awesome/brilliant. If you must know, I'm a cynical pessimist that continually gets reminded as to how stupid most people are. The kind of people I work with continually do so too.


When you start believing in yourself and stop being negative about others,maybe life and people won't seem so awful.Why would anyone want to date someone with your attitude? No wonder you get rejected.
 kingslayer64
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 56
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 3:10:16 AM
thepigofyourdreams ..What a screen name you get lots of dates ? LOL..

"I have no earthly idea what the hell it is most guys are doing wrong on this site, but it has to be something."

Yeah we are here LOL..Seriously I am going to try Walmart more often LOL..

"I'm guessing many of them just go after any attractive female they see, regardless of whether they have anything in common or not. "

LOL I dont even bother with the overly attractive ones to above average .But I may sense the average to over weight is getting me nowhere .Think it makes more sense to get torpedoed by a hottie then a fatty any ways LOL..So yeah I am going to switch tactics what does one have to lose ?

"It's actually rare that I write anyone, but when I do, I read every word of the profile beforehand. I only write the ones I have a strong feeling will reply, and I have a lot in common with. I would say 75% of the time they do respond."

My bet is most will reply if they aren't in a relationship or just sick of dating in general .You should try for the neewbies who haven't become totally disheartened like I am about to become .Gonna give this a coupe more months then its Walmart ! LOL

"I think it's best to make sure you really do pick ones that you think you have a lot in common with. I have a feeling a lot of guys are picking one small thing and running with it. "

How do you really know unless you meet and talk to the woman or man ? See many things I have in common with many women and there are all these match questions .And do you need to be 100% a match ? Give me a break ! Know couples who have been married for decades who had little in common at first .If your in love you adjust period ! I dont expect my future soul mate to be a weight lifter, body builder, or fitness nut .If she is great if not ok .In shape of some sort and healthy is good enough isnt it ? And thats another thing, seems that doesn't matter to most women either .Can run three miles in record time, lift weights every other day, quit smoking ,think I look damn good for my age and in great health .Has that gotten me any kudos ? Do women even care I wonder ? Sure I dont do it for them but are all guys my age in great shape ? If so maybe I should get fat LOL..

And I thought opposites where supposed to attract ? One persons weakness was anothers strength etc etc ? I think people looking for perfect matches is the problem ! And to woo a woman with a profile essay ? Anybody can copy and paste anything ladies . Call the guy and talk on the phone, before you go hey hes great look at his poetic essay !


"OMG! She likes football, too!! We're soulmates!!"

Maybe who knows ?

Look dont want to marry or date my clone .But I would prefer if the lady was in shape because I am very active .Have dated women who where overweight and it just never works out .But I will if I think we might connect .

Thanks for all the posts they have helped immensely .
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 57
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 3:58:09 AM
I agree with this. I've never felt so unattractive or ashamed of myself in my life since coming here. Whether it is the countless ignored e-mails sent, or the responses saying that I am not tall enough, or the caliber of women I attract on here. It makes all of the hard work I've spent making myself a better person seem pointless. For some reason, I am still here. I hang on to a small shred of hope that one day, I'll find what I am looking for.

If not that, it's these forums. No matter what I say, I generate some kind of hateful response. I can give a compliment and still have some angry b!tch try to rip off my head and sh!t down my neck. Currently, I am limited to 5 posts a day, and I am prohibited from creating threads. So yeah, I hope this site proves me wrong and I find the love of my life so I can leave you all alone forever.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 58
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 4:16:50 AM
Thing is, I NEVER made my height an issue. Women literally turn me down because of it. They specifically say it if they even reply. Countless others mention it in their profile.

Thank you for the kind words, but it really doesn't matter what my profile says. The results don't seem to change much.
 purfectmeow
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 59
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:08:36 AM
I would have to say that the pig in my opinion hit the nail on the head.
I find profiles where I actually have lots in common with a person first; then I send out an e-mail.
It doesnt matter to me if members are my "type" because I step outside that box regularly.
I do get rejected lots as I currently send out much more mail than I have received in the past.
The dynamic of internet dating has changed for me in this area as we both continue to evolve.
Try to get e-mails and go on meets using this method just to see what happens.
What ever you do dont give up hope~

We all need water and sunlight to grow, so it is difficult when many seem to remain in the dating dark so to speak. Step out into the light and be seen for your best qualities. You have lots to shine I am sure.
Work on your personal self esteem outside the internet and then come back when you are stronger.
It takes a tough skin on this site.
 thepigofyourdreams
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 60
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:17:29 AM

I don't know, Piggy, maybe it's location.


I've tossed that theory in similar threads before. In a lot of cases it may very well be true, because a lot of the guys I see complaining aren't what I would necessarily categorize as ugly or unattractive. I live in a major city, and am very, very glad I do.

I know of many people who move here to Florida, and pick a rinky dink hick town to get away from the all the major city madness, and guess what? They end up regretting it very deeply.

As for having things in common, I know who I am going to appeal to and who I'm not. Needless to say, the ones who like long haired musicians are the ones I get messages from.


thepigofyourdreams ..What a screen name you get lots of dates ? LOL..


See there? Something as simple as a username compelled you to question me. I get tons of messages on my name alone. They usually tell me it's funny, and want to know the reason behind it. The ball starts rolling from there.

But yes, I do get a lot of dates. Five in the month of May alone, but only 2 were from here. As others have said before, you can't let this place be your only option.
 KillmeNowPlease
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 61
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:24:06 AM
OP writes in msg 73
LOL I dont even bother with the overly attractive ones to above average .But I may sense the average to over weight is getting me nowhere .Think it makes more sense to get torpedoed by a hottie then a fatty any ways LOL


My interpretation of what you wrote is exactly what I said, some men will make contact with a woman they really don't have any genuine interest and then they wonder WHY the woman didn't respond???

The fact that you classify women simply by a body size is a very strong indicator of why you are not having success!

If your preference is truly for athletic women, then please do us "fatties" a huge favor and don' t bother us! No one wants a pity email. Hang out where the athletic women hang out and shop. Would you go looking for polar bears in the desert?

then you write:
And thats another thing, seems that doesn't matter to most women either .Can run three miles in record time, lift weights every other day, quit smoking ,think I look damn good for my age and in great health .Has that gotten me any kudos ? Do women even care I wonder ? Sure I dont do it for them but are all guys my age in great shape ? If so maybe I should get fat


That is your opinion of yourself-and you're entitled to it. You seem to be super focused on only exterior characteristics! When you're in a relationship on a daily basis with someone, usually the exterior characteristics become much less important and it's the "interior ones" or lack of them that makes or breaks the relationship.

How about working on your interior and getting it in shape, because from what I've read on this thread, you are harboring a lot of hostile feelings towards women in general and you appear to forget that ALL people have feelings especially when you label women only based upon their size or weight! Hope this helps...
 providence75
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 62
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:26:23 AM
Hybridized: How is any girl supposed to get past all your preferences that you list in the first two paragraphs of the "Who I'm looking for section" of your profile? I think you've managed to alienate every single female that would be interested in you. Anyone that was initially interested when they clicked your profile would, after reading it, be doubting that they fit your criteria. I know you're not listing requirements, but you might as well, because even a hint of incompatibility (at this stage) will make them question if they should or shouldn't message you -- we all know it's easier to do nothing. And, you call us picky. ;)

Memento said: "The women here just want to say whatever to justify their treatment of others. It's sad." You're reading too much into it. Sure, we might be trying to provide some insight as to why we respond a certain way, but, we get treated the same way. It is what it is.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:29:09 AM
"You put the words together in a way that seems you're knowledgeable but this is way off. However, it may make some feel temporarily better about themselves to believe it since it allows them to justify their lack of _____ ."

Actually, this is a no-win situation for you. If you believe that self-esteem is nature rather than nurture, then a person born without natural self-esteem is doomed for life, is he/she not?

If, however, you are saying you believe self-esteem is something you can be directly taught, then what's the catalyst for deciding to learn such a thing? Furthermore, what if you have too much self-esteem, to the point that you are delusional? What's the catalyst to deprogram yourself? Apparently, not even when your citizens are overthrowing your dictatorship and your palace lies in dust.

Self-esteem is a concept that cannot even be understood until a child is old enough that the seeds of his/her self-esteem have not only already been planted, but have grown into a healthy, vivacious, possibly unmanageable vine. No 3-year-old sits around thinking, "I really need to work on my self-esteem." But he/she is still getting a lesson on the subject. "You're a terrible child -- you can't even walk right -- you'll never grow up to be worth a damn!" "You're doing so well -- that's right honey, that's exactly how to do it -- you're such a big, smart boy!"

I'm not saying negative reinforcement can't be overcome -- in fact, I already said that in the words you chose not to quote. But if the evidence that you don't deserve that negative reinforcement is scant, then it's going to be very difficult to psychologically justify doing so without stepping into delusion. Obviously, what level of self-esteem you deserve in general or for a particular area is somewhat subjective, but there are some things you just aren't likely to ever accomplish, no matter how much you believe you can do them. And more often than not, there are physical limitations involved (neither one of us ever had a shot of being in the NBA or NFL, for example, no matter what our self-esteem was telling us).

"but to FIND what niche you resonate with and contact members of it that are attractive to you."

First of all, if you do email EVERYONE you find attractive, you will hit the members that are in that niche -- it is mathematically impossible not to. But it's quite possible (and definitely is in my case) that every member of your "niche" will not find you attractive. So let's say you have a universe of 1000 and you determine 100 are in your niche, and 20 of that 100 you find attractive, so you only email those 20. And because none of the 100 (including that 20) find you attractive, you get zero responses. But in that remaining 900 that are NOT in your niche, you find 180 attractive, and 50 of them find you attractive and would have written you back... except you never wrote anyone except those in what you perceive to be your niche. So which would have been a better strategy: writing the 20 in your niche that you found attractive (but none of them found you attractive) or writing the 200 in the entire universe that you found attractive (of which 50 found you attractive but aren't in your supposed niche)?

Of course, there are obviously time management and efficiency issues here... which is why POF largely sucks. I used a small universe example for manageable numbers, but I live in a market with some 25,000 women on POF, the majority of which under the age of 45 I find attractive. Needless to say, writing 13,000 emails is impossible. But, Lord, how I tried.

Almost none of the women I have dated through non-POF means would have given me the time of day on POF (my ex-girlfriend, who I met through work, outright admitted she never would have responded to an email from me on POF or search for someone with my characteristics on POF and took almost a year of knowing me to decide to date me), making the determination of my "niche" a complicated mess to begin with. This strategy sounds good in theory, and arguably is more efficient than blanket emailing, but ultimately its success is likely to be just as random as any other -- at least for me personally. From what I know of the OP, I don't know how well it would work for him either, but he lives in a small enough market that it's actually possible to email every woman on POF that he finds attractive, so maybe he doesn't need such a strategy! (Do not misconstrue this as "positive reinforcement" for small markets -- the problem with being in a small market is that after getting rejected by every woman in it, you will be waiting around some time for a new one to show up in it, whereas far more new women show up in market every day than I can email by site rule.)

Dom: I both agree and disagree with 3ff. NEVER mention your height in your profile -- never mention ANYTHING that could bring negative attention to something that otherwise might have been glossed over, not noticed or ignored.

What I disagree about is that taking the mentions off is going to lead to more interest. Fact is, the vast majority of anyone's views come via advanced search -- and very few women in Ogden are going to set their minimum height at 5'6"; men under a certain height (some evidence points toward 6 feet!) cannot in anyway rely on getting first contact emails from women on this site. But removing it will lead to less likely of a chance of you shooting yourself in the foot before a woman even reads YOUR first contact email. (Matches is the second most likely avenue of receiving views, and despite the fact that it's pretty much just as likely that a woman an inch or two taller than you will date you as a woman an inch or two shorter, POF's Matches don't allow taller women to be matched with shorter men, so that's only so much help as well. Basically, you just have to be the aggressor to accomplish anything on the site, whereas most 6 ft+ men tend to get most of their dates from women emailing them first.)
 providence75
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 64
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:42:21 AM
HawkingJr: I stand by my first statement but attempting to argue with you when you narrow in on one sentence and re-word it, is pointless. However, if you are interested in being open-minded and simply acknowledging to yourself that I have a different viewpoint than you, feel free to read my original statement again to discern it's meaning.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 65
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:49:07 AM

Theres plenty of reason to take it personally. After all, all it communicates is "You are too insignificant/unimportant/deficient/boring for me to reply to you." That seems pretty personal to me.


The thing is? Every person has a type. They can be short, tall, curvy, athletic, nice, funny, intelligent, whatever they are. And for every set of combinations in that? There are people who will LOVE those things about you. But there are also people who that isn't their type. And when we aren't someone's type? It may "feel" personal, but it's just plain old human nature. On another thread, I saw a guy bemoaning the fact that he was only hearing from unattractive fat woman and wondered why they would "dare" write him; and then turned around and wondered why the people he did write were not responding to him at all. I found that ironic. There is not only the physical type (tall short, employed, not employed, married, separated or single or divorced) but there are the red flag words that many disillusioned people let creep into their profile that also turn off or scare off potential people (anyone who puts "drama free", watch out. People will assume you are the one who instigates the drama). And SAYING you are a nice guy? When so many of us have been yelled at, disrespected, assumed, treated hostily and resentfully and with tons of misperceptions by those professing they are "nice", if you want to lump yourself into that group; do it at your own risk.


This is the problem (and agree with heart; women do not hold all the cards and many women have exactly the same problem as man (and many women do reach out and are not responded to as well; so those who constantly assume every woman online is always sitting on her ivory tower weeding through hundreds of supplicants only to reject them all; not every woman has that scenario.

and those who do have a lot of email it's a different set of problems so it's not like it's this trouble free zone either.

So self esteem should not come from dating. It will not work to be on a dating sitewithout self esteem. You need it first before going in here; and then write the person/people and let it go. The more you do this, smile while doing it and don't assume you know everything about the people you are writing, the better results you will get; and you won't take personally something that is not personal at all. Because you are not less of a person because one person does not respond to you. You are the same valuable interesting person. You just have another opportunity to find someone else that will appreciate that about you and not waste time on someone who doesn't.

Good luck
 fillyphilly
Joined: 5/12/2012
Msg: 66
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:06:57 AM

some men will make contact with a woman they really don't have any genuine interest in and then they wonder WHY the woman didn't respond

Happens every single day on here. I get emails all the time from men and when I look at their profiles it says specifically they don't date women of my height/education level/race/religion/age/hair color/family life etc. etc. etc. I guess they were willing to make an exception for me for some reason. And I never bother responding.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:13:55 AM
Some people really don't seem to understand what kind of image they give off to others and how it can be preceived, the responses from the OP and some of the male posters reak of negativity, do you really think this doesn't come thru in conversations or your profile, calling yourself a pessimist or you only contact the average and fatties because you think they are desperate enough to want you then complain because you have no success on the site, wow really.

Why not listen to the men who are successful on the site, there is a common thread with all their posts, first they don't mass e-mail, have some common interests with the women they message, a sense of humour, positive, secure in who they are as a person and realistic about what they want in a date.

No one is obligated to answer your e-mail, date you, boast your ego or self esteem, just like in the real world, if they are not interested in you why worry about it, this doesn't mean rejection is fun for anyone but you need to put into prespective and realize that these people don't even know you and how can you let strangers determine your selfworth. If you are not having success on the site, then you have a couple of options, continue what you are doing and fail, listen to good advice given and try it or quit online dating, it's not for you.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:54:13 AM
"I stand by my first statement but attempting to argue with you when you narrow in on one sentence and re-word it, is pointless. However, if you are interested in being open-minded and simply acknowledging to yourself that I have a different viewpoint than you, feel free to read my original statement again to discern it's meaning."

You only said one sentence to me originally -- how could I have possibly "narrowed" in more? I think you're confusing me with SSM.

So, you haven't really explained where your own self-esteem comes from.

"some men will make contact with a woman they really don't have any genuine interest in and then they wonder WHY the woman didn't respond"

I've had little in common with any of the women I've dated. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I am saying that it's a common thing in the "real world." My parents have never had anything in common other than occupation and religion, and for some odd reason have been married 40 years. Attraction (or "chemistry" or whatever women call it) is the single most important thing in a romantic relationship -- if you have a lot of things in common but no mutual attraction, then you are just FRIENDS. I think it's hard enough finding someone you have mutual attraction with than to be sitting around worrying about common interests after that. My parents just took some interest in each other's interests and that seemed to work out. I did a lot of things with girls I dated I did not originally have strong interest in doing, and vice versa -- and as a result, we both ended up with some new interests.

Human nature alone dictates that most men will have men interests and most women will have women interests -- most women would actually not have a lot of interest in a man who had a lot of interest in makeup, hairstyling, shoes, flowers, tiny dogs, the ballet, etc. Yet, strangely, I've seen many women list such things in their profile, like they're going to get a straight guy to respond to those. On the other side, I guarantee you most women (within reasonable attractiveness and age ranges) who claims they like NASCAR and football in their profiles are getting slammed by the very large percentage of men that have such common interests.

Unless you have rare interests, they aren't going to do you a lot of good, at least as far as setting you apart from others you are competing with. Two people into underwater basket-weaving are probably made for each other, all right. Two people that live in my area and both like the Rays and the Bucs -- so what?

Looking back, I've actually never had a woman send me a first contact that mentioned a common interest, though I've had a couple that thought what I wrote made me seem fascinating. I'm obviously a pretty good writer and say that I am a writer in my profile, yet not a single good writer has ever written me, and I've sent creative first contact emails to every woman that mentioned being a writer or having writing as an interest in her profile and not once has one ever written back. I doubt it was because my writing skills weren't good enough for them. Attraction is simply far more important than common interests in dating. But more power to you if you actually come across someone that you have tons in common with and there is mutual attraction. I'm not saying it doesn't happen -- I'm just saying, statistically, it shouldn't happen often and indeed does not happen very often. But on dating sites it somehow becomes more important than it is in real life situations, mostly because people tend to be looking for a the "perfect" person only on them.
 KillmeNowPlease
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 69
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:02:30 PM
^^^Hawking, I wasn't talking about common interests or not having common interests... the point was about being genuinely interested in the person aka feeling an attraction...when you send an initial email to someone online.

Obviously a good relationship isn't based solely on common hobbies or interests...
The OP made a comment about contacting "average or overweight" women-who clearly he has no natural attraction to based upon his comments that I already quoted. His complaint in his initial post is that he isn't getting responses.

In my opinion, he isn't getting responses because he isn't aiming for his preferred target to begin with...If I receive a very generic email from someone and I go and read their profile and it says something like must be fit, athletic, etc... I assume, I was simply in a batch of emails sent to basically anyone that was female within a range of so many miles and I no longer respond to those emails as I once did.

The OP feels his self-esteem is suffering because of using online dating sites and not getting responses and my advice to him is to look at how he is "fishing" and change his style or "bait".
 thepigofyourdreams
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 70
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 1:56:02 PM
Some people really don't seem to understand what kind of image they give off to others and how it can be preceived, the responses from the OP and some of the male posters reak of negativity


Exactly. I live by the motto "image is everything". Because it is. The most subtle things in life can dramatically change how you're perceived. The way you speak, the way you walk, your body language, demeanor, the topics you discuss, etc.

You have the same control to a lesser degree on how you're perceived online. I've looked at profiles from guys who have expressed their frustrations here in the past, and I noticed something many of them do that I know is surely the kiss of death. They brag about their qualities and claim they are what separates them from "the other guys/jerks".

Not only will this leave the average woman saying to herself "yeah, right" as she rolls her eyes, it immediately makes the guy look like a bitter fool who may have lost a woman or two to a "jerk"/"bad boy"/"player".

Bottom line - women are looking for men, not crybabies who use their profiles as their personal venting space.
 RufioJ
Joined: 1/19/2012
Msg: 71
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 2:17:48 PM
People who say you shouldn't let others' opinions hurt your self-esteem are deluded. If you constantly get berated, taunted, ignored and mocked, your self-esteem will be tarnished no matter how tough you are. Look at the bullying epidemic in schools and tell me that self-esteem isn't affected by others' words and actions.

Dating sites can wreak havoc on self-esteem because it's much more shallow and cutthroat than meeting people in the flesh. It's a meat market: only the "finest" cuts will be chosen and the rest of the us (men and women) are left in the dust. If you're not a six foot pretty boy, it's tough to compete against the gallery of GQ men on dating sites. Same for girls, who have to line up against hour-glass figures and magazine-ready faces. At least in person, you can get a feel for their personality and attitude but online, it's 100% appearance. I've had rotten luck online and even though my profile is ok and my messages don't have stupid "hey sexy" lines, women ignore me (being 5'6" will do wonders in scaring women away).

Let's be real here: dating is tough, more than ever before. My older friends are shocked at how shallow and cynical people are these days when I tell them about my experiences with girls. I don't think online dating is a very good thing, something to play around with but to people who may have been wounded by it, you should leave it and be better off without it. I rarely come on POF anymore and I think more people should consider how much time they spend online as opposed to outside.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 72
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 2:34:31 PM
It's all about attitude :

From now on whenever you get rejected think like a masochist :

" OOOOOOOOOOH she rejected me and I LOVE it !!!! "
 TheCastle
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 73
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Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 4:33:58 PM
Although not my personal outlook, but it sounded like a funny twist to the above post.

"Oooohhhh she didn't respond, cool she already knew she wasn't good enough." :) Just sayin, all depends on how you look at it.
 Dmaj7
Joined: 5/13/2012
Msg: 74
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:13:20 PM

People who say you shouldn't let others' opinions hurt your self-esteem are deluded. If you constantly get berated, taunted, ignored and mocked, your self-esteem will be tarnished no matter how tough you are. Look at the bullying epidemic in schools and tell me that self-esteem isn't affected by others' words and actions.


I say it and live it frequently. I can assure you I am not delusional. On the contrary I don't understand how people can let the opinions of strangers affect their self-esteem and confidence. I see no rational reason whatsoever. Why should I be effected by the rejection of total strangers. I'ts just not normal. I send out 10 emails(not at a time) and get two responses I concentrate on the two responses. The other eight never existed. I simply don't care. Why, oh why do people care so much?? Let it go.

It's not a matter of toughness. I'm not tough. I refuse to allow people to berate, taunt, ignore and mock me. They are simply ignored. Especially from strangers. I don't tolerate anybody in my life that would exhibit this behavior.

Bullying in school cannot be compared to online dating. In school victims cannot escape their tormentors. This also a time when peer pressure is very important. It is also very unlikely you are going to be accosted daily and threatened daily by a group on a dating site.

Dating is tough. It can be disappointing. It should not impact your self-esteem. And people who argue otherwise are simply not trying hard enough and rolling over and playing victim.
 MementoMori32
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 75
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:55:54 PM
Providence: I've been contacted by plenty of women I'm not interested in, but I didn't ignore them. When I get those messages I always respond, even if it's just to say I'm not interested. All depends on the message they send. Just because you're using to being ignored doesn't mean you should continue the cycle.
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