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 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 126
Date sites and self esteem Page 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
We are all rejected on our pics and are passed over, we just dont know about it, that is right. Judgements are quickly made and as they dont know us, we should not take it personally. It is only a cyberspace dating site after all. The person who makes the initial move is the one to be rejected and that is the way it is. Very few men do well on here and they dont hold the trump cards, women do, as there are so few, in comparison.
 p_town_girl
Joined: 4/7/2012
Msg: 127
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/8/2012 8:09:23 PM
ya wanna talk self esteem lol,i was talking to a man,many messages back and forth,very sweet and someone you would want to meet,omg after hearing how shy he was about meeting and me sitting in a bar waiting to this sweet man,he texts me and says he cant believe i fell for the shy BS and he has naked pics on here treats women like crap....how stupid did I feel....any woman that wants his name message me.....people like this shouldnt be allowed to do this,im strong and i did get pissed,but what if it was some woman that had a bad life with men? trust someone she thinks that she is safe with,and they do this crap....no one knows anyones story so why would anyone do this to someone.....like i said thank god i can laugh it off as an ***hole...but c'mon do we really know who we r talking to or what they have been through??????
 MementoMori32
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 128
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/8/2012 8:10:17 PM
Lionesse: I think it's the amount of rejection that gets to men on here. I was having better luck with responses than some guys, and it was starting to bother me. If 9 out of 10 people just don't even bother to respond to you, it sucks. Honestly, I don't like anyone playing games like people do on here, it isn't right. There is a person behind every profile, and they should be treated as such.

Good to see a woman admit that you ladies hold all the cards on here lol. That's not the type of situation I like to get into either.
 sledgehammer79
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 129
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/8/2012 9:20:54 PM
Mori you bring up a good point about playing games. I've come across a couple of profiles where girls have said "just because I talk to you doesn't mean I'm interested." To me that is wrong. I won't talk to someone I'm not interested in, but thats me. I would also say its more like 8-9 messages out of 10 don't get responded to. Hell, sometimes the recipient never reads the sender's profile either, its just deleted or never responded to. Whether its cyberspace or the street, women hold the trump cards in dating, like it or not
 MementoMori32
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 130
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/8/2012 10:07:17 PM
I'm not sure if women run the dating scene out in the real world, I think it's more even out there. POF on the other hand is only useful to a handful of guys who have the right pictures to get a woman's interest. On POF if you don't have good pics then you aren't gonna enjoy your time here. Meeting people in the real world isn't quite as bad. I can usually go out and talk to the average girl and get some interest from her because I'm given a chance. After a couple of "unread deleted" messages on POF I quickly realized its all about your pics.
 RufioJ
Joined: 1/19/2012
Msg: 131
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/8/2012 10:26:02 PM
I think bottom line is that people should expect little, very little, from POF and dating sites in general. Women are EXTREMELY picky on dating sites b/c they have a meat market gallery of GQ guys to choose from. Men can be picky on here as well but not as much since I've read plenty of guys "lower their standards" and message girls who are less than what they'd normally go for.

And the painful truth is that being short is a killer on dating sites. Why would a woman pick a guy who's 5'5 or so when she has ten other profiles of six footers? Women are just as shallow as lot of men, if not more so since many will freely admit that they won't date a short guy even if he's an amazing guy and taller than them (in my experience, the shorter the girl, the taller they want their men). I know for sure I get passed over by girls just because I'm short, but that comes with the territory of online dating. I've learned to not put any stock on POF b/c it's just stupid, people being shallow.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 132
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 12:53:45 AM

Basically, you just have to be the aggressor to accomplish anything on the site


They don't write back, what's the point? I get emailed first by women who I don't find attractive. I changed my profile, but I don't think my results will change a whole lot.
 sledgehammer79
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 133
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 9:09:46 AM
Mori you might have something about the pics. I'm not a photogenic person. I never smile when I get my picture taken, but hey that's me. I know other guys like this as well. I don't know what the answer is here.

RufioJ excellent post! I'm short too, 5'4, so I know that feeling. I did come across a profile once where the girl said she was only interested in men 5'10 and up. I had another girl turn me down because she said I was too short, but she was only 5'1. So you might have something. I do agree that women are extremely picky and more shallow then men in many circumstances. Even though he stormed off, I kind of side with the OP, who wants to get rejected constantly?! I was actually being serious in a previous post when I told the OP to say he was 6'5 and heir to a Fortune 500 company because I guarantee he wouldn't get near the rejections, hell is inbox would probably fill up in no time. What we see on POF I think is what's going on outside of cyberspace, and its the result of radical feminism and mainstream pop culture, with shows like Sex and the City and The Real Housewives. That women deserve the best of the best, and shouldn't settle for anything less than Mr Perfect. There's actually been articles written how women have become so self-absorbed and narcicisstic, that men are struggling more and more in the dating world because of it. Often times when I get rejected I think to myself; "ok, I have everything you wanted in your profile, what more do you want." Maybe its wrong to think like that, I don't know. Long post I know, but good post RufioJ
 KillmeNowPlease
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 134
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 9:36:12 AM
^^^^^ Shorter men and fat chicks unfortunately on dating sites are usually considered to not be good enough- for the greater majority...

What is far more unappealing about either group is when they choose to whine, complain and bash the other gender-
Secret to success in life-change the things you can change and the things you can't -learn to accept and put a positive spin on them. If you only focus on the Negatives, the negative is what you're going to get.

For example, despite my best efforts, I' m not built with tiny hips-I'm always going to be larger, full-figured woman-it's just the way it is... my attitude is this: when you date a larger woman you get both Quality and Quantity see, it's all in how you view yourself and how you present it-be honest about whatever-but present it in such a way that shows, you are ok with who you are and only looking for people who are going to accept you for who you are!

Just an FYI-my daughter has been living with a guy she met from this site 3 yrs ago-they've been living together 2 yrs and she is at least 2" taller when barefoot, never mind in heels... so not ALL attractive, smart, hard-working women use a ruler to determine if they do or don't want to be with a man.

As others have said, if you let strangers determine your self-esteem, you have far bigger issues than being a short man, less attractive man, fat woman, short woman, unattractive woman...comprendez? I'm thinking maybe I should teach classes on the Art of Rejection; because heck, at this point in life, I've had lots of it and I could probably qualify to be an "expert"
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 135
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:54:39 AM

Height is the least of my concerns. I contacted my guy HERE ON POF based on what he wrote in his profile There was just something about what he wrote.


And if every woman on here had this attitude, it would go a long way to solving one of the major dating problems.
 sledgehammer79
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 136
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 11:02:57 AM
SrqSeaGlass, I know my post came off as gender bashing, but there's really no other way I could've worded it. You and I both are smart enough to realize that we can't change our height or bone structure. Also, we can't change other people. I'm not trying to paint all women with a broad paint brush either because I have dated taller girls. I also know I have alot to offer in a relationship. When I said about women being picky I'm just telling it like it is. Women have actually written books and articles about how women are hurting the dating scene by being so picky. So its not just men that see it this way. I've been on here 3 months. In 3 months I've messaged 60 girls give or take a few. Probably 75% has never even responded back. Of the ones that did respond back, I've gotten 4 dates. If this were an investment that's a terrible rate of return. Now the fact that the 4 dates didn't amount to anything has nothing to do with POF. Chemistry is either there or its not. Maybe you know something I don't about rejection, because my solution is to keep looking. Me personally, I like results, and I'm impatient as hell. So for me it's hard not to complain. I get mad when I have to wait in a line :)
 sledgehammer79
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 137
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 11:11:03 AM
Good for you RockabillyPaGirl! You sound like one of the few genuine girls on here. Best of luck to both of you! As far as judging a book by its' cover, there are times when the cover is all you need to make a judgement. Let me explain. I'm not talking about the height thing, but there have been times when I've seen an attractive girl in the photo only to read her profile and find out she's not what I'm looking for, and move on. So, there are times when you SHOULD judge a book by its' cover
 fillyphilly
Joined: 5/12/2012
Msg: 138
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 11:55:01 AM
I've dated quite a few men I've met online over the past years and my self-esteem is intact. But then I'm realistic. That means that if all the men found me attractive were average then I had to accept that I too am average. I didn't hold out for movie star looks or multi-millionaires. Just average guys. Most of them found me attractive according to them and most of them I found attractive and/or interesting. A couple probably didn't like me and I didn't like a few but I didn't sit on here and post time and again how all the best educated, most incredibly handsome men with gym bodies and millions in the bank don't write to me or respond to me. I've taken some chances and met men who were not attractive in their picture and I wasn't sure would be appealing to me. Sometimes it worked out other times it didn't.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 139
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 12:13:48 PM
Women don't hold all the cards. Geeez.


hallelujah. Someone gets it :)



Basically, you just have to be the aggressor to accomplish anything on the site


They don't write back, what's the point? I get emailed first by women who I don't find attractive. I changed my profile, but I don't think my results will change a whole lot.



He writes her, they write him; she writes some other guy, you just can't win...

and so it goes until the day you di-ie this thing you call POF will make you cry...



(I still am baffled at the irony that people who are angry that those who they find attractive won't write them back while they don't write back women THEY don't find attractive... they are accusing women of being shallow while doing EXACTLY the same thing...)


if it's ok for you to do, then it's ok for them to do. Why can't people get that?



VVVVVV


Very true.
 fillyphilly
Joined: 5/12/2012
Msg: 140
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 12:23:07 PM
Because then they can't feel sorry for themselves or have to honest about what they have to offer.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 141
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 2:25:11 PM
I gave up hope a long time ago of ever meeting a nice man on here. I'm average in looks, thin & in good shape, pretty hair that's longer than most women; but I guess the beauties get all the guys. Even when my pics were up I got few messages, & some ladies claim to get 80 messages a day. I have a lot to offer, but I'm not a super model, so there's no interest. It's their loss. Shallow people don't even want to get to know me, they judge me from my pics & their not interested. I even wrote letters to some men in my area & never got a response. I'm not lonley, I like my life, maybe I'll meet someone in the real world.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 142
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 8:46:47 PM
I'd really rather not be lumped together with the OP -- I did, after all, tell him that if he was losing it after only 15 ignored emails, he's got some issues.

Plus, I believe men and women have about the same amount of problems on this site --they just manifest themselves in different ways. In the end, most everyone stays home frustrated and unsatisfied with it. Obviously, I have a male point-of-view, but I know there are many women that fail perpetually on here. It's just such an impersonal environment to have a personal experience in.

Say whatever else you want about me: after 5 years, I still haven't quit. Which puts me in a completely different league, much less ballpark, from the OP, not to mention a lot other forum regulars who have decided that the dating side is full of nothing but junk and are now here for "forums only." Of course, I never really quit anything and don't think me not quitting POF is indicative of anything more than persistent insanity. As I promised the OP, I'll probably still be here 10 years from now. Having this same damn discussion.

"best educated, most incredibly handsome men with gym bodies and millions in the bank don't write to me or respond to me"

I can promise you, having a great education and a gym body will not necessarily get you anywhere here (or even elsewhere -- no one's ever dated me because I was smart/educated or muscular; those were just "bonuses" they ended up with). Millions might, though -- I can't attest to that. Yet.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 143
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 9:11:26 PM

The part that "sucks" is seeing profiles where a girl says they want x, y, and z from a guy, and you know for a fact you have those things, and your message is unread deleted.


I agree. This is the most annoying aspect of the whole process.

If a woman says in her profile that she is looking for a tall, thin, clean-shaven guy with tattoos and piercings, and a short, overweight guy with a beard and no tattoos or piercings sends her a message, I can see the reasons for her ignoring that message. But when someone matches pretty closely the basics that the other person is asking for, it does make you scratch your head and wonder why they aren't even making any attempt to connect, if they are really serious.
 RufioJ
Joined: 1/19/2012
Msg: 144
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/9/2012 9:49:25 PM

But when someone matches pretty closely the basics that the other person is asking for, it does make you scratch your head and wonder why they aren't even making any attempt to connect, if they are really serious.


they're not

A fun quiz I've given women is this: make a list of your "dislikes" about men and the "likes". Now think about your ex-boyfriends, which list contains the most of their traits? Pretty much every girl I've given this quiz to said their ex's were made up of almost all the "dislikes" and very few of the "likes". The guys are ex's for a reason but the girls did go out w/ them in the first place. As long as the guy was hot and made them feel good, they excused all the bad traits. As a cop, I see this ALL THE TIME w/ physically abused women, some who turn into junkies and addicts.

Bottom line, people aren't honest w/ themselves or others. People claim to desire all those cute, intangibles like honesty and intelligence but that's a lie. Young people, especially, care about how their libido feels, when they get that lust reaction. If I had a penny for every older person, male and female, that said they were stupid when they were young and how many great people they passed up, I'd make Warren Buffett look like a welfare case.

Some might say I'm cynical but it's the truth. High school English teacher Daniel Mccullough made waves w/ his "you're not special" speech to a graduation class. People said he's cruel and cynical but he said the 100% truth. The truth hurts and for many people, they only learn it when it's too late and they're already old and regretful.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 145
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:58:05 AM
she actually did write back, with a string of “:)”. Never heard from her again after that, but, hey, it’s better for the self-esteem than the nothing I normally get!

If you're suggesting that a string of nonsense characters on a computer screen from an unknown woman you've never met or spoken to were responsible for reinforcing your self-esteem, I'll assume you were being facetious. So was I, when I made the comment about form letters.


Soon, it will be possible to run out of “valid” profiles to email.

That will happen eventually even if you don't avoid the women with kids. And it will happen a lot sooner in Tampa (even including St. Pete) than it will in Houston. Will you be moving to Houston soon then, or would doing that just put you in a bigger pool of people who'll ignore you?? I don't know but it seems like a long way to go just to get some attention from another person, sorta like putting your own self-esteem on the line (such as it is) based on how many strangers will answer your emails in the favorable manner to which you'd like to become accustomed. After reading your lengthy explanation, all I can tell you is that what you experience here isn't all that different than most other people.

As long as the guy was hot and made them feel good, they excused all the bad traits

So what you are saying then, is that there's no shortage of stupid. If this was earth-shattering news to anyone, you simply weren't paying attention. Maybe it was because you were too busy looking for somebody else to make you feel good, so the only thing you noticed was how many of them were consistently ignoring your frequent requests.
 sledgehammer79
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 146
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/10/2012 5:01:40 AM
DavidMGZT: I kinda agree with you on the picture thing. I'm a good looking, I've been told quite a few times, but in
three months I've had less then 10 girls message me first, only 1 I found attractive and possibly
compatible so I emailed back. I never smile in pictures, so they may be hurting me, who knows? Hard
to change something after 32 years.

Mori: I know the feeling, you read a profile, think "I have all those things." Send a message. Then nothing, or deleted
My theory, there's A LOT of people on this site that aren't as serious as they claim to be about finding a
relationship. Even though it says "looking for a relationship" in their profile.

RufioJ: YOUR POST WAS MONEY!!! That is so true! Especially the part about excusing certain traits in order to
feel good about themselves. You can usually tell who these girls are on here by reading their profiles. I can
think of 5 profiles I've come across that had things in them like; "The Perfect Man," "Must be 5'10 or taller"
"Must be financially secure," "Must not be thin, but can't have a lot of muscle." "Must show me off." Every
single one of those profiles the girls were under 30. Which ties into what I'm saying about people not
be as serious as they claim about finding a relationship. I felt like messaging the girl that made the financial
secure statement and asking her if a guy making $150,000 is going to guarantee her a healthy relationship
over a guy that makes $60,000?! I wish everyone on here could read your post
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 147
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:02:35 PM
"If you're suggesting that a string of nonsense characters on a computer screen from an unknown woman you've never met or spoken to were responsible for reinforcing your self-esteem, I'll assume you were being facetious."

I'm just saying, I have a 5% response rate here, so any response to anything I write makes me feel pretty good (well, unless it's a rejection). Plus, she may have in fact been the most attractive woman that ever replied to any of my emails -- I'm sure she gets 100+ emails a day and responds to almost none of them, so that makes me kind of special, doesn't it?

"Will you be moving to Houston soon then, or would doing that just put you in a bigger pool of people who'll ignore you??"

Why would I move to Houston? Given my "hobby," obviously I'm aiming for LA next (which is MUCH larger than Houston).

Of all the places I've lived, this is the only one where I ever managed to get dates -- and honestly, that is pretty much why I haven't moved. I turned down a couple of opportunities, not so much because of a specific woman I was dating at the time, but more because of my fear that I would be back to no interest elsewhere. Obviously, all this was before 5 years ago. Maybe this well has dried up. There really is nothing else keeping me here.

However, there are 3 times as many women with children as without children at my age on POF (and most of those without kids want them and have a biological clock issue a brewing), so I think the children factor is a lot more important than you're making it out to be. I sort of have a reverse-biological clock thing going on here.

"After reading your lengthy explanation, all I can tell you is that what you experience here isn't all that different than most other people."

In the post right below yours, we have a guy who considers his experience here to be terrible, too. But in a market far smaller than mine, he says he's had "less than 10" first contact emails in the past 3 months. You have to go back to March 2010 to find the 10th most recent (non-forum) first contact I've received. I'm not saying his experience doesn't suck -- I'm just saying, my similar experience is about 10 times worse statistically -- and his experience is obviously much worse than most other people on this site. Which again, is the main reason why the site has some effect on self-esteem: the massive VOLUME of the rejection, not an individual rejection itself.

"most of my emails have been about horse riding, do you have any female friendly hobbies ?"

I actually grew up on a farm with many horses. Unfortunately, like most everything else to do with rural Alabama, I hated horse riding. Interestingly, though, the one single meeting I've ever gotten as a result of one of my first contact emails (met a couple others who wrote me first) was a woman who mentioned one of my favorite musical acts in her profile, a musical act that apparently has almost exclusively female fans besides me (and, NO, it was not Justin Beiber), and so my first email to her had a few words about that obscure act, and lo and behold, she actually wrote me back semi-enthusiastically, mostly because of my mention of that act. So I agree that this strategy can work out -- though I tend to do that a lot, and that was the ONLY time in 5 years it has ever worked out (well, at least as far as getting a response to a first contact email and an eventual meeting -- the meeting itself didn't work out, because it appears the only thing we had in common was our mutual love of that musical act and neither of us was attracted enough to the other to bother pursuing it anyway).

Which leads me to...

"The part that 'sucks' is seeing profiles where a girl says they want x, y, and z from a guy, and you know for a fact you have those things, and your message is unread deleted."

Surely you guys understand that attraction is first and foremost in dating? Because, having tons of things in common and no mutual attraction means you are FRIENDS. This is not to say I don't share your frustrations, but I am never without doubt that the reason a woman who seems a perfect match for me doesn't reply is because she didn't find me attraction, so what was the point in responding? After all, I wouldn't have written her in the first place if I didn't find her attractive, no matter how much we had in common. So back to gycraig, I will email a woman that it appears I have little in common with, because there's always the possibility she might find me attractive, which is the FIRST thing that matters. I've dated a number of women (not from POF) I had little in common with but we had mutual attraction. Some of those worked out better than others. Certainly, women are thinking the same way: almost none of the women who emailed me first had anything much in common with me. I get maybe one unsolicited VIEW a year from a woman who has anything much in common with me. Actually, I mostly seem to get views from poor mothers of multiple kids with high school educations and no career to speak of...
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 148
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/11/2012 2:20:34 AM
If your self-esteem can be damaged by a dating site, then you really ought to NOT use one.


Unfortunately, I don't have many other options.

This is the only thing it let me post, the moderators obviously don't want me here.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 149
view profile
History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:18:24 AM

Motown_cowgirl
By the way your math is totally off. 10 X 52 X 5 = 2,600, which again is a much different number than 26,000.

I had to go back and check, I have been known to “slip a decimal point”. But no, my math was perfect.

What I said was


If you go with the lower number of 100 per week, times 52 weeks in a year, times 5 years, that would be 26,000 new users.

Note that you used 10 instead of 100. My number was 100. I then went on to say:


If he hand picked the top 10% of those new users, he would have sent out 2,600 initial messages

Once again, the math is correct. 10% of 26,000 is 2,600.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 150
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:24:43 AM

not to mention a lot other forum regulars who have decided that the dating side is full of nothing but junk and are now here for "forums only."


I am one of those. Many of the people who are "forums only" types, will drool like one of Pavlov's dogs if they get a nibble. That's REacting to a situation.

Look, you can run your life, or you are run BY life. There's no third option.


there are more than a few that are forums only because they are already in a relationship; some of which were FOUND on the dating side of the site. So forum only does not automatically equate to fully cynical of the dating side of POF. Only cynical to specific very common rants that are worded in a very specific way in which THOSE specific people (not all) equate their experience to their entire self professed label and equate the women tey have interacted with to all females everywhere, and then bash, lament and judge as experts.

Those are thones that some of us are trying to explain are doing themselves harm; we don't think all guys are any one thing; nor are all guys either nice or bad. Any more than every woman is either thin or 400 pounds. There are a ton of personalities, there are a ton of physical types, there are a ton of preferences; everyone will be exactly waht SOME are looking for. But if you are trying to attract everyone; get off now. It just isn't possible.

Everyone's an individual. But certain people look for "proof" in the forums for their specific mindset; while ignoring everything else and half the time twisting what people say even. Those are the posts that get jumped on.
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