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 BellStone2012
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 164
Date sites and self esteem Page 9 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Good Morning Kingslayer,

It happens to the women too. I prefer to email and text with a man for a bit, maybe a week. Then I like to move on to a phone conversation...perhaps several before I agree to meet anyone. I find that it takes a while for the real person to come to the forefront of the conversations. There are two reasons I will not continue communicating with someone: 1) I get busy with work and responsibilities at home, and 2) the man says something that I feel is inappropriate for where the two of us are at at the time. One man sent me a text in response to one I had sent hours before. When I told him laughingly that I'd sent that hours ago he replied with, "Well it's a good thing I can still smell you." It was an instant turn-off for me and I haven't communicated with him again since. I have a high sense of self-respect and I simply felt his comment was inappropriate and disrespectful. It made me wonder how he would speak to me and treat me down the road.

This internet dating site experience can be painful, but it depends on your coping skills and how you perceive yourself. As long as you have a positive self image it will be hard for others to affect how you feel about yourself. I recommend asking some women why they are no longer communicating with you, ask them to be honest but tactful. I prefer men to send me an initial message with some substance, not just a line or two. I actually don't like it when I get something that tells me how beautiful I am; flattery gets a man nowhere with me.

So, to answer your questions:

1) Rejection can both hurt or help your self-esteem, it all depends on how you choose to handle it. Why give someone you don't know the kind of power to do you emotional harm. Tell yourself that one didn't matter and move on. However, I highly recommend finding out why you are getting rejections. If you can find out why you have the opportunity to change it if you so desire. It is an opportunity to grow if you seize it.

2) Again, it can make you tougher, or it can make you more jaded. It depends on how you handle it and how much you internalize it. Re-read answer number one.

3) I can't really answer this one. As woman I've had my fair share of rejection, and I've done my fair share of rejecting. When I reject someone I do it with as much kindness as possible so I don't cause any harm or negative feelings. I wish we could all do that. I also respond to just about every request or message I get, even if I don't want to date the person. I think we as humans need to be acknowledged for our efforts and it's nice to have our existence validated to some degree.

4) I receive an average of ten messages a week, either a direct email or a notice that says so-and-so would like to meet you. I haven't gone on any dates yet, but I've only been on the site for a couple of weeks (though I've been on others for a couple of years). I've actually only dated two men from the other sites. Several men on this site have asked me to meet them, but after looking at their profiles it was apparent our lifestyles were not compatible so I declined. There are a couple others I am still considering.

In the end just remember you get out of it what you put into it. If you make a concerted effort to make a great impression you might have more success. If a man doesn't make the effort to impress me with his first message I tend to think he won't make any effort later. This is important to me because relationships are 90% work and 10% pleasure. If a man doesn't make a good hearted effort right from the start I don't think he'll make the effort necessary later on when the chips are down.

I want to close with this reminder from earlier in my message, take rejection as an opportunity to evaluate yourself, and to make changes that could increase your chances of success. Try not to take anything personal and try not to give power to others which they can use to harm you. Remember, you alone are in control of how you feel. No one can make you feel any certain way unless you choose to feel that way.

I wish you well!
Bell
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 165
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History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/19/2012 8:01:47 AM
Now that online dating has become so commonplace, many folks are starting to notice certain ''patterns'', and there's been a growing bunch of stuff written lately about how little the online dating scene resembles ''real life''. As ever the simple fact is that men still 'pursue' and women 'pick'.... except that online, women get way more to pick from, which of course makes them even ''pickier'' (duh)! Plus some guys use the ''shotgun'' approach, pinging almost any and all women online.

The net result is that a lot of gals simply receive LOTS of attention (like the one above who just started, and already gets at least 10 messages a week)! Throw in the fact that many gals often have no real interest in dating, let alone a relationship, and simply post a profile just to receive all that attention for a sort of ''self-esteem boost'' (aka, ''see, I still got it!''). Plus the fact that any reasonably attractive woman regularly gets hit on in real life... often A LOT (so what's it say when they come here)?

And yeah, there are the occasional few who do ''beat the odds'' (kinda like winning the lottery), but realistically it pretty quickly becomes obvious that at least for most men, online dating ain't all it's cracked up to be. Far better chances (and better choices) going ''old school'', meeting folks thru friends, work, church, classes, volunteering, even bars!!

But hey, just keep on with all those Meet Me's and Flirts... a lotta gals still love the attention!!
 Walking_Contradiction
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 166
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History
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/20/2012 4:40:57 PM
I typically hate articles or books that try to tell a particular gender how they should or shouldn't behave, but this one is pretty spot-on:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

You care too much of what other's think of you. Self-confidence comes from belief in your own abilities and knowing yourself. Your skills that you demonstrate at work (NOT necessarily your work in itself), school, on the basketball court, in front of the sketch pad or the microphone, etc. are what define you. When you know what you are truly capable of, you couldn't give less of a sh!t if other people know.

How does that relate to dating? Simple, I know what I have to offer the rest of the world as a human being, hence if one girl or 10000 girls reject me because I don't match her iphone case along with the rest of her accessories, that's truly her loss, and I can define discretely WHY that's her loss and not mine. Can you honestly define what you have to offer the rest of the world? If not, that's where the heart of your self esteem problem truly lies.

Good luck. ^_^

Edit: Just realized the OP isn't active anymore. Meh, oh well, I maintain my position on this nonetheless.
 ExoticSapphire
Joined: 12/5/2012
Msg: 167
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/20/2012 9:24:17 PM
I think the more arrogant someone is the more inclined they are to be hurt be rejection.
I think rejection helps your self esteem in a way because you're not expecting 'yes' 100 percent of the time.
It makes a person tougher, males should expect a decent amount, sorry guys. Let's face it- women have their choice of men and they just weed out the ones they don't want, at least online. Keep your head up, I'm sure there is a woman interested.
 MotoGPatrick
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 168
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/20/2012 10:52:51 PM
Males should start out expecting "no" nearly 100% of the time on POF. After some practice 1 out of 15 or so will reply. You still need to email a lot since not all the replies will lead to a date.

I don't think rejection on the order of what we experience builds self esteem at all in those who do not have it.

For someone like me who does have confidence it does not improve or detract from it. I do find that it builds confidence in making real world pick up attempts because the online dating women make women in real life seem like down to earth perfectly sane angels.

Yes women have their choice. No matter what we think we just approach and present ourselves and they decide.

Finishing this post up I am not going to pull any punches.. be advised..

Women with limited time, attractiveness or social skills or any combination of.... are more likely to have realistic expectations of who they will or won't choose online.

Women who do not have limited time, those who are attractive, have social skills or any combination... are going to have the bar raised higher than they do in real life. They don't need online dating to find a good catch so it is much more likely to be used with the hopes of finding Mr Absolute Perfection.
 sun_and_cinnamon
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 169
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/23/2012 3:00:27 PM
Rejection happens to most at one point or another, just time to move on to the next...
 MotoGPatrick
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 170
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/23/2012 4:57:57 PM

Rejection happens to most at one point or another, just time to move on to the next...


The reality is that it happens much, much more often online.

Based on only two out of 10 passes made out in the real world failing and the eight out of 10 passes made online that don't work.. About 4 times more likely online.

As soon as I get home from deployment I will be down to 5 minutes a week wasted on online dating. Instead I will just go out and make passes at only the most drop dead gorgeous women.. 30-40% of the time I can land a date with a 10. Much better than dealing with a bigger attitude problem on a stuck up 6-7 online.
 Tek_Savvy
Joined: 10/13/2012
Msg: 171
Date sites and self esteem
Posted: 12/23/2012 5:00:12 PM

I think the more arrogant someone is the more inclined they are to be hurt be rejection.
I think rejection helps your self esteem in a way because you're not expecting 'yes' 100 percent of the time.
It makes a person tougher, males should expect a decent amount, sorry guys. Let's face it- women have their choice of men and they just weed out the ones they don't want, at least online. Keep your head up, I'm sure there is a woman interested.


That's total bs. If you think that way then you should ask some guys. If you are a catch you wouldn't be here anyways.
Sorry but some men do have a choice among women. I do at least, there are sure others like my step mom's cousin who had over 200 women to date.
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