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 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 26
An embarrassing secret exposedPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Sounds more like you got dumped because of the long term deception to me & perhaps the not good enough is your medical condition talking.
 Womac911
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 27
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An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/5/2012 11:00:52 PM

? Mental issues do have a stigma unfortunately but that is born out of ignorance.


I prefer to think of the stigmata as being born out ofexperience, myself.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
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Posted: 6/6/2012 4:44:43 AM
I can see that no one who is already in self-righteous mode about this is going to listen to the other side of things.

I'll just duck in long enough to add my vote to the side of "non-disclosure of something which bothers you so much that you needed to hide it, is not compatible with a committed one-on-one relationship."

Add to that, my own twenty-some year "adventure" with a bipolar-diagnosed wife, and I also have seen that she will NEVER accept responsibility for any of her actions. It appears to be a part of the disease itself, probably a part of the 'manic' end of things, that anything that goes wrong must be forgiven instantly, and anyone who fails to tolerate or quietly accept abuses from the bipolar person, is instantly declared to be insensitive, non-supportive, unromantic, unmanly, weak, wimpy, and whatever other pejorative words the bipolar person can come up with.

To me, this story reads "I lied to by BF for six and a half years, and now he shows that he is defective because he didn't trust me any more."

If nothing else, this should be a self-satisfying situation for the OP: since she HAS convicted the guy as being defective, there's no need or accomplishment in publicly flailing him like this. She's done with him.

If you are truly a strong, independent, and balanced person, who has finished a relationship completely, then you don't need to come and broadcast how much you despise someone you are leaving behind.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 30
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An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/6/2012 4:53:12 AM
Your boyfriend had every right to dump your azz because one, people who are bipolar aren't easily controlled by medication, they stop taking it sometimes and the medication stops being effective at others and you expect this guy to just get over it that you kept this major medical condition a secret? He had a right to decide whether he wanted to get on your potential emotional roller coaster.

That's some bipolar shit right there and since I lived with someone who refused to seek treatment I applaud your boyfriend for not waiting around for you to go off the rails. He's supposed to trust you to always take your meds when you couldn't do him the courtesy of honesty after 6 1/2 years?

Sorry if you find this post unkind but grow the hell up. Relationships are based on trust and honesty and in 6 1/2 years you had plenty of time to suck it up and tell him. Shallow, look in the mirror for duplicitous, selfish and naive.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 31
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:14:30 AM
OP...while it was hurtful to you that he ended things because of this, I hope if you live with someone again, romantically, you fess up up before moving day. People have a right to know that they are moving in with someone whose moods are being controlled by a drug. What if disaster struck your region, power out for days on end and you could not get your prescription filled? He would be wondering why you are acting all weird when he would want to count on you to be strong during a crisis. He would be blindsided by this, not at all prepared and that does not make a good life partner. Or...what if a baby were conceived and the hormonal changes affected you negatively...life at some point was going to flush this out on you. A good life partner shares things of this nature, to be a stronger team. In his shoes Id be left wondering what else is up your sleeve? I would lose my trust in you for keeping this from me.

You dont have to make it public, but I feel you do have to let the one you plan on being with forever know the real you, so that-if anything-you know he accepts you...warts and all! It is better for you too...to be accepted for who you actually are.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 33
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Posted: 6/6/2012 2:19:44 PM

Anti depressants alter, or suppress one's personality. To each his or her own, about dating somenone who is on them, and will be on them for a long time. Having a Mental Disorder SHOULD be disclosed, at the right time, to someone who might likely become that person's potential dating partner, or Romantic Interest. That person of interest has a need to know, and make the decision for themself.


Actually, anti-depressants alter "mood." Not that mood and personality aren't related, but far too many people (in my experience) "think" they understand what anti-depressants and mood stabilizer drugs are and how they effect people.

I take an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) as an anti-depressant. (FYI, I suffer from mono-polar, chronic depression.) The way it works *FOR ME* is that it lessens the chronic sadness I feel. Without it, life is like an old "black-and-white" TV set. With it, life is more like a color TV set...I can suddenly see various shades of color beyond the dark tones I usually abide in.

Does that alter my "personality"? Yeah, I guess in a way.... I am certainly happier and can be more optimistic than before. But on the other hand, I also think I'm largely the same, pretty-good-man I was before but it can be seen better now.

What has "altered" my personality is the massive ammount of personal work I had to put in through group and individual therapy... But that was hard-earned.

But even so, I still need to take my meds, lest the depression overtake me. It's always there in the background.
 joe_226
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 35
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Posted: 6/7/2012 10:51:32 AM
Hun,
All I can say is...honesty in the "best policy". In my opinion, you should be open with your significant other...from the get-go...about any "baggage" you may have. And, to be honest, that kind of "baggage" is NOTHING to care about, so long as you wouldn't be running around like a "sameri" looking for blood. But, being honest about things like that from the get-go will, if you have a "shallow" significant other, save alot of wasted time & potential heartache than keeping it from them.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 36
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Posted: 6/7/2012 11:37:04 AM
I agree that "honesty is the best policy," but you also have to be aware that the stigma that mental health issues carry with them. Ironically, someone who has been diagnosed, is in treatment, and is aware of their issues is undoubtably a MUCH BETTER partner than someone who is in denial, undiagnosed, is incompliant with treatment, or is hiding their condition. But the price you pay for admitting your issues is that a large segment of the population will immeadately write you off as "damaged goods," or "defective" without ever bothering to find out anything more about it.

I am not embarassed about my depression. It is like diabetes or a cardiac condition. It must be managed. I have to pay attention to my mood like some have to pay attention to their blood sugar. I have to pay attention to "how" and "what" I am thinking because "how" and "what" I am thinking can be deliterious to my condition. I have to take my medicine to help keep me level.

My ex-wife dumped me when I was in my worst place. Hell, I think she purposefully drove me there with the hopes that I would kill myself and rid her of her problem (me). She used my depression as the cudgel to beat me over the head and to prove herself "righteous" in the divorce. (As one mutual friend said to me, "In her opinion, you HAVE problems and you ARE the problem...") She never owned any of the fault in the marriage, my condition was a convienent scapegoat.

My only point is who and how you share this information with is kind of important. I would NOT drop it out there on a first date. But I agree, six years is way too long. I don't think there's a "hard-and-fast rule," but when a relationship begins to transition from "a couple of dates" to "steady" is the time where something like this needs to be broached.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 37
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Posted: 6/7/2012 11:48:50 AM

How do you mean that? "

I did a Google Search, and asked the exact question " How do Antidepressants change your personality" I did not add a quetion mark.

I clicked on

Antidepressants change personality, study suggests - CNN.com ( below this entry appears ) :
www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/.../antidepressant.personality.changes


There are other links, which appeared as a result of my exact same question, on the same page of results. Many of the shown results of my exact question, apply to the effect of antidepressants, on human personality.

Happy Searching, and Learning, to any and all who are interested : )

And to repeat my response to the OP :

Anti depressants alter, or suppress one's personality. To each his or her own, about dating somenone who is on them, and will be on them for a long time. Having a Mental Disorder SHOULD be disclosed, at the right time, to someone who might likely become that person's potential dating partner, or Romantic Interest. That person of interest has a need to know, and make the decision for themself.

Lying by omission is lying. And it's a Mission.


Yes... A lie of omission is every bit as bad as a lie of comission. They are both falsehoods and as such they need to be avoided.

There are TWO very powerful currents out there when it comes to psychiatric medicine. The first current is pushed by "Big Pharma" and sees the consumer as a market to be exploited. All those drug commercials...everything from ED drugs to bladder drugs to Cholesterol drugs to anti-depressant drugs... make you feel like if you aren't taking twenty pills you aren't somehow fully realized. But the second powerful current out there is the anti-drug lobby...Scientology and various Christian sects...who argue that ALL psyciatric drugs are oppressive and harmful. Some of it is really scary and I have run into people on these forums who have flat out told me that if you take an anti-depressant you are killing yourself, are not strong enough to face life on your own, and are generally unworthy of being regarded.

I KNOW what life is like when I am not taking my SSRI. I KNOW what life is like when I AM taking my medicine. I will never argue that it's a panacea or that everyone should be popping a pill. It is not magic and, like any medicine they have side-effects. But I know what life is like without them and I choose the other.

My affect is better because I can enjoy life. I don't think my personality has changed through the medicine though, like I said, I can be a happier person when I am taking my medicine which, I imagine, allows me to be more pleasant to be around. My personality has changed because I invested a heckuva lot of hard personal work in the process.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 39
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/7/2012 6:11:39 PM
I think he has some secrets too...like maybe another iron in the fire...
he did u a favor
find someone new who APPRECIATES YOU!
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 40
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An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/7/2012 6:28:22 PM
OP, you really should have told your boyfriend. There are people who deal with bi-polar for YEARS and then one day their meds stop working. Believe me, it's much easier to deal with a manic episode if you have some idea of what's going on.
 tensail
Joined: 10/15/2009
Msg: 42
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/7/2012 10:55:04 PM
all bagage is pos n neg, most lack eq or awarness, but u can c it in behaviour. yes hes ignorant n insecure n has low eq, ur betr of witout him as he is undeveloped, ur expereinces have increased ur awarness of life n also understanding- these r pos traits, ver r better fishes around than him. gl.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 44
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Posted: 6/8/2012 2:44:36 PM

I've had bi-polar since I was 25. I am now 45. I do not wish to have children. There were some posts wondering if I would have children, so I thought I'd clear that up. I have many reasons why I decided not to have children, it's my choice.
I understand how some of you feel about telling the boyfriend about my illness, but I am a very private person with my health. I wish not to make anyone worry about me and just blend in with society. I feel it gives them one less worry to think about.


TWO observations here...

First, YOU chose to reveal this on a PUBLIC FORUM... So, "...I am a very private person with my health..."??? Not buyin' it.

Second, part of being in a RELATIONSHIP is that you SHARE things with your partner. 6 1/2 years is a substantial time to be together, it's not a date or two. At some point, if the relationship was ever going to mature or sustain, you would have had to come clean on this issue.

Ask some widows whose husbands kept their heart disease "secret" from them how they felt when their husbands died suddenly and far too early because they kept their chest-pains from their wives. Ask them how they felt about their husbands keeping that little thing from them rather than admit their (percieved) weaknesses. They will likely tell you that they carried that anger and bitterness that their trusted loved one didn't share that with them and died suddenly.

If you can't share your health honestly with someone, then every relationship you ever enter will have a short life because trust and love demands honesty and openess. If YOU place that boundary that "I will never share this..." then YOU have imposed a set ending place. That's just the way life is.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 45
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Posted: 6/8/2012 4:08:36 PM

Lying? What planet are you on? Not telling someone something isn't lying.

Right. That's only true when you want it to be; seems women make up their own rules depending on which side of the fence the 'lie' is coming from. Not telling my ex about my crossdressing was something she considered a BIG lie, enough to blackmail me during the divorce.
Back to the topic; I've known several people with bipolar disorder, and every single one of them has tried multiple times to go without their medications, and wound up back in the psych ward. Bipolar can be controlled, but like diabetes, you have to be vigilant and take your meds. I'm guessing the OP's BF has had a similar experience that I did, and simply doesn't want to deal with the craziness that ensues when the medication wears off. Would I date another bipolar person? sure. Marry one? Nope. People very, very often let themselves go once another person is legally bound to be with them. Being single keeps both parties 'on their toes', and under best behavior. It makes for a better life for both of them.
OP, keep looking. But like me, realize that there are some things that the vast majority of people simply aren't going to completely accept.
 Barbra f
Joined: 4/19/2010
Msg: 47
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Posted: 6/9/2012 3:12:47 AM
Well your far better off without him in that case .He obviously didnt love you. Go back fishing and be sure you dont catch another itiot.
Regards Barbra
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 49
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Posted: 6/9/2012 9:36:27 AM
No picture, no name. The information is still private, remember?

************************************************

It appears that are quite a few men on this thread who say, "Never again" in the strongest of terms, but I don't recall any women saying the same thing about their partners. I wonder if there's some significance in this.


OK, I'll agree with the point about the picture and the pseudonymn, but still the OP still made the choice to disclose this information here on a public forum while she chose not to disclose it in the privacy of a relationship. That's a currious dis-junction. And, for anyone who thinks that anything posted on the internet is "private," well there's a whole body of legal decisions that say otherwise. You may "think" that it's "private," but in fact it's not.

As for the idea that it's only men who say "never" to a relationship with someone who has an acknowledged mental illness... Well, I've been in enough of these conversations of POF to see it as at least a 50-50 split. I have seen women and men both who have said things to the effect of "I would never date anyone with depression/bi-polar...ever..." If you don't believe me, go back and look at post #99...

The one thing I will also allow is the reality that personality disorders are DIFFERENT in their scope and effect on relationships. And then there's the issue of how each individual manages their illness. Often these things defy an easy or concrete statement.
 mariacba
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 50
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:16:32 AM
Why are you so hard?.-Are you sure you 'll never become ill??.Compassion and understanding that anybody wants to be ill are important.
 mariacba
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 51
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:20:27 AM
The previous mes was for Larissan, sorry
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 52
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:33:47 AM
has nothing to do with being good enough OP. It's not your right to date whoever you want. You also lied; flat out. You weren't honest.

I personally have seen tons of relationships go terribly wrong with addicts and bipolar people. When they really screw up like cheating, getting physically abusive, or even steal money, they feel it's never their fault.

The answer is always, well I didnt' take my meds. Or it wasn't me it was the drugs. Instant excuse with a lot of problems and issues.

Some people will have no problem with it and that's great. but dont get mad at the other people who dont want to risk the pain and suffering that so many have had to go through being with someone with serious issues. I hope things work out for you.
 Jayneekay
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 53
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Posted: 6/9/2012 1:45:51 PM
Jack_the_Gripper

Bravo!!!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 54
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Posted: 6/9/2012 1:49:43 PM

And i'm not hiding the fact that i'm bi polar, i'm not ashamed.. i just think telling someone before they really know me that i'm bi polar is almost like warning them. And there is NO need to warn them as i have said i'm not a threat, nor a liar.. apart the odd saying "i'm almost ready" when i havent even started getting ready.


And your situation is completely different than the OP's. Her boyfriend rightfully so felt betrayed because it is a huge secret to keep. Acting like the boyfriend was in the wrong and what she did was okay is ridiculous particularly for someone the age of the OP. Don't you think that someone should have been ready before 6 years?

I'm not a big secret keeper. I have medical issues that have a lasting effect on me and while I may not pony up that information on the first date, I believe someone has the right to know that I was comatose 5 years ago and have associated memory issues and that I had breast cancer. Both of these will be disclosed fairly early in a relationship because someone has the right to choose whether they want to be with someone who forgets things regularly and someone who might one day contract another form of cancer even though the threat of breast cancer has been eliminated. I certainly would not stay in a relationship for six years and not tell either of those two factoids.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55
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Posted: 6/9/2012 2:08:31 PM

It appears that are quite a few men on this thread who say, "Never again" in the strongest of terms, but I don't recall any women saying the same thing about their partners. I wonder if there's some significance in this.


Given the hurt inflicted on me for the 14 years I tried to make my relationship work, the hurt that is still inflicted on my children by a man who will never ever take responsibility for the pain he has caused like telling my daughter from the time she was 8 she'd be pregnant by 15, by telling my son that all of his problems were caused by his long hair and that if he didn't change he would wind up in prison being butt-f*cked by Bubba; the list is infinitely long. It is always someone or something else's fault, anything bad in his life, any of his bad behavior, all always caused by other people. And that is another part of the MO, always deflecting discussions to things that are no relation to whatever is going on.

Why so much angst by people that have had relationships with people with bipolar? Because at one time we adored them and their bad behavior and lack of accountability and responsibility is a choice when they can behave normally around other people, on their jobs. The family, the people that love them are the ones that suffer for it. So yup, I'm immature and hateful. No, not really just having had to live with a world of hurt I don't have much tolerance for someone who won't take responsibility for their own actions. Suggesting that the boyfriend was doing anything but leaving because he was LIED to for 6.5 years is a lack of responsibility and accountability.

Was the cousin a horrid person? We don't know. As others have noted, perhaps the cousin saw the boyfriend struggling with trying to figure out wtf and felt that keeping the secret was no longer something the cousin was willing to do. My ex has had a secret girlfriend he didn't tell his kids about. His sisters told my daughter, who thought they were screwing with her head because even knowing how he acts, we didn't think he would do something like that. I believe they told her because they thought his not telling them was wrong. And because of it, my kids were excluded from many family functions including one of their cousin's weddings, just so he could bring his secret girlfriend without being caught at having her. Many hurt feelings that now obviously make sense.

Never again.
 soulmatewanted123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 56
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Posted: 6/9/2012 2:31:33 PM
The fact is that you hid from him one of the major psychiatric illnesses which he had a right toknowabout. Likewise he had a right to know about your medication, the effect it has on you, wy you need it etc. You were dishonestand he found out about it. You hid an important fact about yourself and youhoped for a future with him ? TIMETO get realnow and remember to be honest in your future relationships.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 57
An embarrassing secret exposed
Posted: 6/9/2012 6:29:34 PM
If the OP is taking pills daily, at some point a live-in bf/husband is going to notice. Then what do you do? Lie, and say they're Flintstone vitamin pills? I don't like the idea of lying to cover up lies. The OP says she acts normal and nobody would ever know. I don't think self-diagnosis is always a good measure of objective accuracy. What would be a good reason to keep this secret from a live-in, if everything is honky-dory? Would the OP mind if her boyfriend was secretly taking medication for a condition and not mentioning it? Maybe the relationship was on shaky grounds and this revelation was the last straw.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 58
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Posted: 6/9/2012 7:15:08 PM

Why should i feel obliged to tell people what goes on in my head


I quite agree, except in the case of the op, after so many years & prior to living together, it would become pertinent information one should feel ethically obligated to share if for no other reaon than that it may have genetic components.

As to your P.S., well..... while I don't lack sympathy, your "reality" is merely your perception, so at least allow for the reality of the other person. It is not at all unlikely that their own experience has led them to make choices which would "scare them away". You fail to acknowledge the havoc oft wrought & damage done to the partner and family of one who suffers from bipolar disorder, or other such things that you refer to as "going on in your head". Truth is, there is far more to it than that. There are degrees, and there is also a right to choose, for whatever reasons one makes those choices. Taking away that choice by intentionally hiding what might make one "undesirable" is nothing more than manipulative behavior & deceipt.
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