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 AUTHOR
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 28
PROBLEM with stepkidPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You need family counseling.

End of story.
 mtluggage
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 29
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:26:25 AM

I think the biggest point with this OP is that you face going home each day with dread. You really need to address this with your husband before it festers and destroys your marriage.

I agree. Some kids may never grow out of certain behaviours and live their adult life accordingly. My gut feeling is that this son is making money to support his habit - trafficing drugs?

Leave it up to husband once you tell him you dread coming home. See if he wants to preserve the marriage, or not.
 catfa51
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 30
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:30:49 AM
Wow, what a doozey! Sit down and have the talk with your husband. He either puts his foot down with the 21 year old child, or he will risk losing you! I've been there and walked. If someone refuses to be a parent, that's not your problem but the fall out can be!
 scpumkinfan
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 31
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 8:19:37 AM
The military is not the way to go on this one. I was involved with an army recruiter for many years and now that there is an influx of recruits they are putting the kibosh on people with criminal histories and jail time. So I doubt the military (any branch) will take him. Also, if he's still doing drugs and can't pass a drug test you can forget it too. So please do not take this option into consideration. Best thing for you to do is talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel and explain how this is affecting your marriage and they way you are feeling about him. If he REALLY loves you he will take this into consideration very seriously. If not, then maybe you guys were just not meant to be. Anyone who takes their ADULT child's side in this is 1) doing a disservice to you, 2) doing a disservice to his child and 3) taking irresponsible, destructive behavior and trying to justify it.

That is what is wrong with this country now. Too many spoiled little brats growing up thinking that they can do whatever they want and have no consequences for it. They think that the world owes them and that they can't do any wrong and their you-know-what don't stink. It's not being mean, it's not "throwing them away", it's not "kicking them to the curb" it's called ACCOUNTABILITY. I believe that your husband might have treated this son this way because 1) he felt bad for whatever reason, be it for the break-up of the marriage to the mother or 2) for being away from the kids for long periods of time, which happens a lot in military families. I.E. GUILT. That's why he is letting his ADULT child run his life. Time to cut the cord. Please look up "Tough Love". It's on the internet and gives you valuable resources to help you. If you can't get your husband to go with the program then I would suggest you go find a "tough love" support group somewhere and join.

And lastly, if you are feeling this way now so early in the marriage that's not a good sign. Plus you are making a huge commute both ways for your job. I don't know what your situation is but I find it a little unnerving that your husband could not compromise and maybe move somewhere to where you didn't have to drive so far all the time. That is another factor for you feeling the way you do. I bet you feel a little annoyed by that. Even though you never said that in your post. Final thought, I would suggest you think long and hard about if you really want to put the effort and emotional input to stay with this guy if he will not cut the cord and let his son stand on his own. You can be supportive, you can be there for him, you can do as much as you can but YOU are his WIFE. The son needs to stand on his own. If it comes down to it you need to decide if you are going to be able to walk away if he decides if coddling his ADULT son is more important than losing his new wife. I wish you luck.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 32
view profile
History
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 8:36:00 AM
If you REALLY love your kids, you don't coddle them and bail them out of every jam they get themselves into and then tell them they always have a safe place to come home to. That might be fine for one screw-up that scares them straight, but when they are repeat offenders, screw THAT.

If you REALLY love your kids, you teach them that the negative behavior described is just unacceptable if they're going to be living under your roof. What Daddy needs to do is start treating the kid like a recruit, lay down some laws such as, he has one month to find a job and start paying some contribution to the household as well as his own expenses, like the cell phone. If schooling is in the agenda, then you can work out what percentage of the tuition Daddy will pay, and then Junior has to maintain at least a C average, stay in school and graduate. He keeps his nose clean, stays out of trouble with the law, contributes to the household by doing some chores when asked, basically just starts living like a decent human being.

If, after one month, he's still free-loading, pack his bags and tell him you love him, but since he has chosen to lead the lifestyle he's living, then he will have to find another place to live. Cut off his phone, take his car and whatever else Daddy is paying for, don't bail him out of jail next time he ends up there, and let him go find out what the real world is like.

Tough love. It hurts, but it usually works.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 33
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 8:56:57 AM
Men don't quit. Tossing an unruly child on the street sure seems like quitting talk.... with just a little bit of knowledge and oh maybe even some light reading it is easy to see that way NEVER works.


21 is NOT a child, so enough of the horse shiat. This "kid" is phucked, and I do mean phucked, and "Daddy" is enabling him. Children "know" by the time they are 8 to 10 years old the basics, and this "kid" doesn't have em and will NEVER get em from "Daddy" now.Basic education, no "light reading" required.

It's time for the "kid" to get his bum kicked, out into the "reality" of it all. He will either sink or swim,and no "Daddy helping" will "help". Again,basic education.

Now, on topic,I'm sorry OP,but you are stuck between a rock and hard place. The time to have a sit down talk with your hubby,was,well, wayyyyyyyyyy before you got married. But,because you never had children, you would never have known this kinda of stuff would come up. I'm having a tough time thinking your hubby is very good at being a "leader" type personality if he is letting his son's actions slide. This whole scenario will get a lot worse before it gets better. Good luck.

Edit: Frig, I should add, just because "Daddy" is an leadership role in the military, does NOT make him a good parent. Leaders in the military "order" people around, and they do it,cause,well, they are in the military. The "kid" probably expects "Daddy" to tell him what to do,how to do it, and when to do it. Not good parenting skills.
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 34
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 10:25:37 AM
Tough Love is a failure. Now that there is lots of follow up data from when those types of treatments started it proves it is a failure... and the ones on this thread spouting that tough love works because they themselves went through it are one of the best sources of proof it does not work because it damages a persons ability to have successful relationships due to the PTSD associated with it. Yep, thats why you keep screwing up your relationships during the relationship forming stages, for those that are still single in the middle of their life with one failure after another under their belts.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062.html


Moreover, the very notion of making kids who are already suffering go through more suffering is psychologically backwards. And there is little data to support these institutions' claims of success.


Sorry but yall that think that is the crap that works to make someone become a successful person in life are the f uckups.

Just because someone tossing you out, or you hearing of it working with someone else does not mean it is the best way to do it because those are the rare cases..... the ones that work are not the normal.... the normal is a further downward spiral with irreversible life damaging outcomes as the result.

I am actually shocked but i agree with gwen on something..... get counseling so that counselor can explain this stuff to you.

Everyone in this country is entitled to raise their children however they wish. But it does not mean everyone else has to respect the way you do it if in the future the result means you will be dumping your kids onto an already stressed system.

Personally, my opinion is anyone promoting that crap thinking it is coddling to simply parent a child is a near worthless human being who i would love to rip your life apart to show you every mistake, every failure, every broken law, bad decision you have ever made. I bet it would take forever to finish showing you all of them..... What that means is you have judgement issues. The last thing you should be doing is telling a bunch of strangers to screw up their kids lives as well to perpetuate a society of ****ups that started off with the baby boomer generation which are the biggest selfish generation of all time. This is sad but the baby boomers help people the least out of ANY generation... I just happen to notice the ages of most of the ones spouting off that crap.... geesh 50's and 60's and yall still have not grown up.....
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 35
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 10:48:02 AM

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062.html


Did you read the article, it was about "tough love" institutions, which we all know were a bunch of abusive sadists put in charge of helpless children. Of course it didn't work and not one of us is advocating that any send their child to those programs. (which by the way you can't force a 21-year-old to go to anyway.) HE IS AN ADULT, and as such must learn to take responsibility for his own actions just as all the rest of do.


thinking it is coddling to simply parent a child is a near worthless human being who i would love to rip your life apart to show you every mistake, every failure, every broken law, bad decision you have ever made.


Wow, so now I am worthless because I don't believe what you do. Nice to know, I will be sure to let my happy, healthy, non-addicted, productive adult children who made their share of mistakes as teenagers and suffered the consequences of the their behaviour, know that I am a worthless human being who probably ruined their lives.

Yes I have made mistakes in my life, have my share of bad decisions under my belt, certainly don't need you to show them to me, I can find them all by myself thank you very. The world would be a boring place if we were all as perfect as you seem to be. But they are my decisions and I paid the consequences for them not anyone else.


Yep, thats why you keep screwing up your relationships during the relationship forming stages, for those that are still single in the middle of their life with one failure after another under their belts.


And you are so much better at relationships than rest of us? Sorry, I don't think so, you are on a dating website looking for a relationship just like the rest of us looks like you screw up as much as we do.


I just happen to notice the ages of most of the ones spouting off that crap.... geesh 50's and 60's and yall still have not grown up.....


We are also the ones who have successfully raised our children to adulthood, I think we might just know what we are talking about. So if we don't agree with you we are worthless, failures who need to grow up? Think the person doing the name calling might need to grow up just a little as well.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 36
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 10:50:34 AM
It's interesting... a lot of the strong reaction to the OP is because you have not ever had kids and missed most of your stepkids' lives; and so you have no say.

And yet I hear it all the time where it is the two biological parents (who are divorced) who MASSIVELY disagree on what's the best course to take on extremely self destructive behavior from children.

That ends marriges a lOT (not just stepkids; but two people's own kids)

When someone gets to the point where they are out of control and choosing self dstructive only? (and I have come across this a LOT over the years since I have so many people share their stiuations), at some point? The most loving thing to do is, while being there emotionally; stop enabling it financially. Letting the child finally pay for their own choices. It is one thing throwing htem out; but if they are living at home rent free, no payment for phone service, how are they learning how to be a functional adult where they should eventually be able to not onlyt ake care of themselves; but hopefully ultimately share taking care of their own offspring?

Letting them grow up; letting them pay for their choices and take responsibility for their actions is not the sign of a person that "stops parenting". Because sometimes the hardest thing to do when we are watching our children grow up? Is not step in when we see them heading for the lights of an oncoming train. We can say what we're going to say and do what we're going to do.

And then, we quit paying for htem to go there; let them know exactly where we are, that we will still love them, still be there for them, but that their going out there and putting the hand on the stove? How will they learn to not do it if they don't feel the heat of their own choices?

How will they grow up if they don't have to pay for their own belongings, rent or phone service?

But in your case, being as how it is not your biological child, you are worse off than a co parent of another young adult who is spiraling out of control and the one protects and enables, whereas the other wants to not make it easier for the self destructive behavior and sense of entitlement to keep it going.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is not your child. And you CARE about the child, but you more care for the parent.

Maybe one last time say you appreciate what an amazing dad he is, you appreciate most of his amazing kids but you fear his one is MORE likely to stay on his course because of actions that, though the intent is to show love; are actually enabling and keeping them dependent and entitled, and you fear their eventually learning the hard way when they can't be bailed out, and you are hurting seeing them hurting; and their child being allowed to keep hurting themselves and being rewarded for it AND despising the parent who is trying to show love.

You are not criticizing since you have not been in their position; you are not saying you would have done better; but if you start to get resentful and disrespectful; then it WILL be that. Then I'd do the advise of the above poster and get a small place close to your work where you aren't constantly reminded of a situation that seems like a ticking timebomb to you, since like I have seen SO many times before; once the anger sets in; the other problems start and it's only a matter of time where the differences on the raising of the child (whether step or biological) sever the relationship altogether. Defensiveness creates an "us versus them" mentality which will have them not able to hear you. If it gets to that point; you choose whether you suck it up shut your mouth and watch the kid crash and burn, or you bail for someone else who either doesn't have kids at all, or have jail bound adult children they are protecting at the expense of the young adult themselves.


best of luck
 scpumkinfan
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 37
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 11:41:31 AM
Wow @Dreamer in SC...angry much? Wow! Just wow! So according to you, it's much better to not have any rules or regulations for children because (horror!) it diminishes a child's self-esteem. Oh how horrible!!! I just have on question for you...what is the role of a parent? Please answer that question for me. Thanks!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 38
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:07:30 PM
Moreover, the very notion of making kids who are already suffering go through more suffering is psychologically backwards. And there is little data to support these institutions' claims of success.


Okay sparky,I'll bite, just cause it's Sunday and I have a headache. You do remember this "child's" age????? 21. Again, I don't define this as a child. He can fight in a war. He can drive a car. He can drink,legally. He isn't even going to a school. He's on the verge of supposedly becoming an adult, not entering high school.

"Tough love", the tactic you seem to despise and hate, involves MORE than throwing someone out on their bum.(bad childhood experince I'm guessing?????) Of course, if you only "think" that's what "tough love" is, than it WILL be a failure. But, it involves a little more. It involves teaching our young(at a young age,not 21) that ACCOUNTABILITY is and will be EXPECTED!!!!! Again, I will REPEAT for you,since ya didn't pick up the first time. You, as a parent,better make sure you have installed the qualities and values before 8-10 years of age, cause,after that,you're gonna have a tough time breaking the mould.

I don't know why this young MAN is as phucked up in his thinking as he is. The other 3 offspring of this new husband of the OP seem to be doing well/okay???? I could guess a couple of reasons, but, I'm not privy to his upbringing or experinces. But, I do know, he's STILL TWENTY-ONE!!!!!!!

I honestly don't know where you're coming from with this hate on for "tough love" but, again, I'm sure we could look back at your own upbringing and maybe, just maybe, you're parents(parent) preached a form of "tough love" that truely wasn't. Again, just a guess. As a bleeding heart, you can look around and see what your "tactics" are giving us. I'll stick with my tactics and beliefs,and look at my daughter(same age as the "kid" we are talking about here), and what she is doing for the society of which she lives, and stand proud.She'd explain it to ya how it DOES work, but, she would quickly understand she would be wasting her time. She laughs at the bleeding hearts too.

Now, I'll go sit in my corner for my "timeout".
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 39
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:14:30 PM
Wow, Dreamer.

I am talking about parents who demonize, scrutinize, even spy on (monitoring the gps on the cell phone?!?!) their ADULT child while they simultaneously keep them sucking at their teet. Who’s using who?

The parent is manipulating, using the child, hoping to control another adult, often angrily. Ever notice how angry and outraged controllers are?

Anyone who believes that their adult child NEEDS them overestimates himself. So there is problem #1. Usually controllers and codependents are the ones who NEED, cuz left alone, they have to see themselves. That “unruly child” is a handy preoccupation. Can't view the "child" as an adult? Problem #2.

Respect and love your adult child by taking your emotional and financial hooks out of them.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 40
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:20:18 PM
As a Man,I feel your husband should kick his ass out.He doesnt respect the rules,hes disrespectful an obnoxios.....he wants to be an adult show him how to be.or start charging him rent to live there,Im sure he will get his act together then.Dont coddle him,coddelling him had gotten him where he is today,if your husband loves him as much as he says he does,ship his ass off to jobcore,or dont call and text him,let him stay out all night and eventually his attitude will lan him against the wrong person and he will get the ass kicking he nees to humble him.hes a 21 year old man.....if its not done now he will be a 40 year old man living there still or living off of some poor woman.


I've wittnessed this from divorced fathers who without sole custody manage to coddle their kids instead of parenting them out of guilt feeling for not being there for the kids except on weekends. Whenever the divorce started is when the coddling started and the dads have not developed a proper parenting attitude or skills. Yuk!
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 41
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:00:32 PM

Wow @Dreamer in SC...angry much?


NAW...LOL.... i just get sick and tired of people from the biggest freeloader generation in history constantly demonizing the younger generation with their bullcrap about how they did things back in their day..... today's economic situation isn't anything like it was back then.

the 21 years olds are competing for the same jobs as the many out of work older generations are these days.

Besides.... most people read the thread title and ignored the OP's question... She NEVER asked what to do with the child...

Thus why i kept saying she was a smart lady.... She never did.... She was smart enough to know it was not up to her to solve the issue with the son.... She asked what SHE should do in the situation and not anything she typed made it seem like she was searching for solutions to the problems...

Besides...

Someone has to stand up for these kids when there are ignorant people that would toss someone out to sink or swim in the hardest job market since the depression.

maybe back in their day they would see help wanted signs in every window but these days you have hoards of workers competing for a single job....

soon you will be required to have a doctorate degree just to flip burgers at a fast food joint for 8 bucks an hour....

We as a society are building an unsustainable path of starting the next years adults out with the mentality that they stay in school and rack up out of control higher education costs which start them out in a hole that most never escape.

The people tossing them out to sink or swim when they themselves wouldn't be able to do it are the problem. Try it... quit your job and see how fast someone will take your place and then start over with nothing.... most people can't do it because when you look at where they came from, they never even did it themselves to begin with....

So is this straying way off topic?.. yup.... but damn..... someone has to say something.... why don't you people go volunteer at a soup kitchen, or homeless shelter sometime and take a look at all the kids whose parents still didn't learn anything from their own young and rebellious years.

I do volunteer.... and i am sick of seeing 18-21 year old KIDS here when their parents are perfectly capable of taking care of them.

They clearly didn't finish parenting them and now it is people like me who are finishing the job that parents SHOULD have done. Do you have any idea how many kids in that age group could not even write up a budget? Can't even do meal planning?

Yes i am angry because now its someone elses job to teach then those things and someone elses job to feed them while they learn them and someone elses job to house them while they learn them and someone elses job to keep them safe while they learn them.... its rediculas and it is happening all over this country because the older parent generation that had everything handed to them are not smart enough to do a little research to make sure their choices are the correct ones to make.

less and less private donations to help shelters and food banks with the only ones stepping up to the plate being the corporations to help out or MAYBE some churches depending on what denomination the person may be......

So yes... when i see a father STILL parenting his troubled child and not dumping his child onto an already overburdened system then i will do or say what i can to compliment that persons choice because it IS the correct choice. If you think otherwise..... get you ass off the couch and head into the streets in the middle of the night..... most of those people are wandering around not because they just like getting into trouble in the middle of the night.... its cause they have nowhere else to go and the only safe place to sleep is in public during the daytime.

Is that the life you want for your child?... is that the life you want for anyones child?

Are you willing to give up YOUR job so that the younger generations can have a job to work at?

Just my opinions.....
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 42
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:11:40 PM
Dreamer,

I agree with a lot of what you say; there are not that many jobs and there are a lot competing for them.

It is a more difficult time to grow up. Although on the other side; there is an assumptino people don't need to wait for things; there is entitlement that did not used to be there. People previously did without. Now they assume they should have things; and they buy them when they can't afford them, and need to be bailed out.

I am a single parent and my kids are 19-23 and they all still live with me. I definately am not throwing them out on the street.

However, my son, who is army reserves, before and after his basic training sting, spent LITERALLY 12 hours a day on a computr; and slept the rest of the time, when he wasn't buying junk food.

He kept saying he was getting ready for basic or recovering from basic or wanting time with his freind before he got deployed...

but in that entire time? He did not apply for one single job. Not one. Myd aughter, meanwhile, was holding two jobs and going to school and army reserves. My oldest was working close to full time at a younger person job after getting his associates degree while trying to find a "real" job.

He gave every excuse in the book why he couldn't apply for a job. But he never bothered. After the fourth month I finally said the very intense apathy led me to believe he was depressed, and that if by the end of the weekend he had not researched, filled out and turned in at least eight job applications including an in person handoff to each job, I was going to sign him up for therapy; because I was literally worried about his functionality as an adult.

He did a dozen.

He is now working, in school, army reserves and still keeping in touch with his deployed friend and is a LOT better off.

I was his parent the previous way and I am still his parent now. But being the parent who allowed him to live off of me withNO personal responsibility, any ambition, any actual applications and even pretense of schedule was not helping him to be the best child that he was going to be.

So there is a HUGE distinction between not enabling and throwing them to the wolves.

The letting htem have consequences is saying if they get themselves arrested for legal choices? They need jailtime. If they buy something out of their budget? They have to actually pay for it.

You can do those things and STILL be an incredibly supportive parent. One of them you are giving them a base but helping them learn responsibility.

The other? You are teaching them entitlement, permanent dependence (why grow up when they don't have to) and lack of accountability.

I want my kids to have their best chance to succeed in this incredibly tough period of time. And they CAN'T when they are taught no ambition, accountability, responsibility or having to deal with their own consequences.

It keeps them kids forever. That isn't fair to them..
 shy2anne
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 43
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:14:39 PM
as far as i know a person 21 years old is an adult. i was married and paying a mortgage at 21.
parents do their children no good service in allowing them to be codependant and freeloaders off society while trying to still "raise" grown "children".
they should be independent adults at that age.
this man is taking drugs. maybe even dealing drugs out of their house.
i will take someone's word for it that there is some kind of legal right to live in that house as a tenant - but that would mean he is paying rent/contributing to the mortgage.
i'm not betting he is not.
the way i see it is that this person is being selfish, upsetting the entire family, being a bad example to his siblings and possibly setting his parents up for some REAL legal trouble if the house is raided.
 scpumkinfan
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 44
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:35:39 PM
@ Dreamer in SC...."Are you willing to give up YOUR job so that the younger generations can have a job to work at?"

Um, I am one of those unemployed people you are referring to....and yes the job market is tough but I don't go around blaming my parents for that...you know who I blame...the idiots we have elected to office but that's another topic and I don't want to get into a liberal vs. republican debate on here.

"They clearly didn't finish parenting them and now it is people like me who are finishing the job that parents SHOULD have done. Do you have any idea how many kids in that age group could not even write up a budget? Can't even do meal planning?"

You can thank the public school system for that crap. The only thing they teach nowadays is how Bill and James got married and lived happily ever after and we should just all accept that, how we should not bully each other and how important self-esteem is by not writing any red F's on their test papers. THAT's why the kids are the way they are. They are also like that due to helicopter parents, parents that won't let their kids grow up and be responsible adults and parents who will bail the kids out whenever they do something bad and will not let them suffer their own consequences.

And before you go saying anything else about this I know first hand what I'm talking about...I was one of these kids that got bailed out of everything and was coddled all my life. Now that I'm an adult it is TWICE as hard for me to learn that the world don't work that way. The world doesn't care if I eat, or have a roof over my head, or money in my pocket. That's what my PARENTS should've taught me and they DID NOT. I have all kinds of psyche problems because of that. That is bs. A parents job is to teach their kids how to be a responsible, functioning member of society. My parents raised me to be dependent on someone for support. I'd much rather have my children (and I have 4 btw) to be independent, functioning adults, not living on the government cheese. My parents did me a disservice and so is this ladies' husband by coddling this young man. And yes, it is a MAN. Not a boy....A MAN!

I understand you have been to soup kitchens and volunteer and the like. That's very noble of you to do. However, I know first hand what it's like to live in poverty, to be unemployed for more than a year and so on and so forth. Guess what? It's called life! If you coddle kids and keep them from being exposed to the bad side of life they are going to grow up messed up. Which is exactly how I am now. It's not all my parent's fault...some of it was some of the bad choices I made but I still feel they did a disservice by shielding me from a lot of things. This is what I'm hearing you say in your advice to this woman. A parent shouldn't and it is very detrimental for a parent to do that to a child. That is what these people are trying to say and instead are being accused of not "Parenting" their ADULT child and dumping them on our "system".

I could go on and on about the "system" but again, I don't want to get into a political debate. This is not the forum for it. However, I would expect ALL my children to become functioning adults and able to live on their own at the age of 21 if in fact, they are NOT in college or gainfully employed with the agreement that once they graduate or get enough money they will move out on their own. I agree that the "system" needs to stay out of more of everyday life because if that were the case then most of these issues that you speak of wouldn't exist. Bottom line, blame isn't being put on the correct person(s) or establishments. Bottom line.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 45
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:10:39 PM

So yes... when i see a father STILL parenting his troubled child and not dumping his child onto an already overburdened system then i will do or say what i can to compliment that persons choice because it IS the correct choice. If you think otherwise..... get you ass off the couch and head into the streets in the middle of the night..... most of those people are wandering around not because they just like getting into trouble in the middle of the night.... its cause they have nowhere else to go and the only safe place to sleep is in public during the daytime.

Is that the life you want for your child?... is that the life you want for anyones child?


You do know you are off on a tangent, right????

The "correct" choice, AGAIN, is to teach and mould BY AGE 8-10, but, I can't seem to get that thru your mind. The ones you are dealing with right now,18-21 year olds, DIDN'T get the skills driven into their heads when it was required. AGAIN, I blame the part of it on the way we ARE teaching our children, not the way some are "trying" to teach AT 18-21. It takes more than a belly full of food and a warm bed to "redo" what has be "done". "Parenting" when your child is 21 SHOULD BE down to the minimum. Words of encouragement, not words of direction, the child should be now chosing his own direction.

The "system" is overburden,partly because of the "bleeding heart" syndrome that some have taken to. Don't believe me????? "Life coaches",,,,a new form of employment. You heard right,,,,"LIFE COACHING"!!!!! So, nowadays we have to have someone to "coach" us about life????? Why is THAT??????? This "kid" will be one of those in this "overburdened system" no matter what "Daddy" does now. In fact, with DUI he's already started. Kinda cool huh???? When IS the time for this "child's" PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY to begin????? After a hundred "I'm sorrys"????? A thousand?????

I'm not saying parents kick their 21 year olds out of the house. I'm saying this ONE needs to have his bum kicked, and start the path to reality NOW!!!! He WILL NOT start the path acting like a parasite, and not being ACCOUNTABLE for his actions. Life isn't fair, and the sooner you teach your kids the better they will be. Patting them on the back everytime they phuck up is NOT the way.

Give a man a fish, he eats for the day. Teach the man to fish, he eats, well, ya know the story.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 46
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:16:36 PM

Someone has to stand up for these kids when there are ignorant people that would toss someone out to sink or swim in the hardest job market since the depression.


Wow, again calling those of us who advocate for the family as a whole ignorant. This youg adult is tearing a family apart and we are suppose to applaud him and his father for allow it to continue. The father is not parenting this trouble child. Read the original post.


except that the fact that my husband does NOTHING to curb his behavior is beginning to make me lose respect for him--for my husband. The boy completely disrespects HIM, the home, the family.


Allowing the young man to stay and home and do what he pleases with no consequences is not parenting. It is what is wrong with many young people in this generation. They can have what they want and do what want, it's all good daddy will take care of it. I would never advocate kicking a child out if there is any other option. Like it or not, this young adult needs a dose of the real world and so far he has not had one. House arrest? Back to the same behaviour? Refusal to get a job. There are 6 lives being pulled apart because of one child. And two younger ones who are seeing that they can do whatever they damn well please with no consequences. There have to boundaries and it seems from the original post that there are none.

It is sad that there are so many children and young adults living on the streets because their parents want nothing to do with them. It is also sad that there are so many children who will never be able to function in the real world because their parents have done them the great disservice of teaching them that the world owes them whatever they want.

When my daughter graduated from univeristy in 2009 the speaker at her convocation talked about 2009 being the worst year to graduate from university since 1929, but also reminded them that just because the economy was bad didn't mean that they could sit at home and wait for a job to fall into their laps. They needed to volunteer, take crappy low paying jobs, be innovative in how they found their way. Rather than depend on their parents, they were basically told, welcome to the new reality now figure out how you are going to suceed in it. If a child has been given the tools, they will figure out their way. It took my daughter 18 months to get a full-time job, she lived at home, did her share and applied for jobs everyday and while she did this she continue to work at her crappy low paying sales clerk job. She knew what she had to do to continuing living in my house as an adult not attending school.

The biggest issue here is parenting. We have a obligation to teach our children how to live in the real world, yes we need to support them when things are rough, but we also have to set limits. The OP's husband is not setting those limits and it is on it's way to ruining a family.

This family needs counselling and guess what? Most counselling are going to tell Dad that he must set boundaries.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 47
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:20:35 PM
helicopter parents, parents that won't let their kids grow up and be responsible adults and parents who will bail the kids out whenever they do something bad and will not let them suffer their own consequences.
-----------------------------------------------
Exactly, Everyone needs consequences to grow up, take accountability for your actions and mature.
I've done stupid shit when I was younger and boy did I pay for it thru consequences. Was not the best thing to deal with but it had to be done in order for me to " Grow Up " and it helped so that I don't do it again.
Without consequence your children will never grow up and will always be kids. I had my friends kids do stupid crap and always got bailed out from their stupid shit because parents don't want to see their young ones suffer so they spoil them away from consequence and just give them a slap on the wrist. Children are not going to learn by just getting a bail out, they will just keep doing the same thing over and over and over, till they fall flat on their face the hard way and not get bailed out of their situations at all. That's how you learn, you learn to take an ass kick and then some. As parents you don't " Throw " out your kids to the wolves. You as a parents have a responsibility to teach your children at a young age to be responsible just like you have to be and how to act and etc. It's better to teach them while they're young or else it gets harder as they get older.

Point is Parents it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to raise your children the way you want them to be and to give them CONSEQUENCES for their bad choices or else society will when you just " throw " them to the wolves. And giving consequences doesn't mean being a dickhead or an anal bitch to your children purposely, you give them to teach them a lesson to be learned.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 48
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:26:35 PM
Enabling a person who is making bad choices is never helpful. It is hard to let them go when they are your children, but the choice has to be made. They will only hurt everyone who loves them. It is the hardest choice a parent will ever have to make. You can find support from ALANON or NARANON. Call a local AA group and they should be able to help you find a group. Try to get your husband to go. He is digging his son's grave by enabling him. I know from experience because I had to let my first husband go. He got clean a while then went back. He died a year later from and overdose. It is hard to live with sometimes having let him go, but there is nothing I could do to make him stop and change his life. I am just glad he didn't take anyone else with him. It could have been me.

You are correct. The father should not be helping him. He should not be tolerating his behavior.
 scpumkinfan
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 49
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:55:48 PM
I just re-read the original post from the lady that started this whole thing. Another thing concerns me and I've had to deal with this in my own life with my kids. If the son was arrested for drug posession invariably he is taking drugs which is also dangerous to the other members of the household. What happens when this kid "owes" money to one of the drug dealers? What's going to happen then? I've read too many stories about people who did drugs and the people who were their dealer came to collect money and when the addict didn't have it, members of the family that they lived with were killed or badly wounded or worse, acquaintances even got hurt or killed that happened to be there at the wrong place at the wrong time. This lady really needs to decide whether she wants to be a statistic. The husband is not only putting his and the wife's life in danger but also the other siblings who happen to live there with them. Damned if I would do that to my family. I told my daughter when she was smoking pot that if she continued that behavior she couldn't live with me because, as a mother with two little kids (under 3) I had an obligation to protect the family as a whole. I couldn't have my daughter put us at risk for getting killed or the police raiding our home and having my children put into protective custody. This lady really needs to think about the danger her husband is putting her in due to his enabling of his son. I hope she considers this.
 scpumkinfan
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 51
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/11/2012 2:37:31 PM
Wow! This kid should be the poster child for the youth of today. Sounds like a typical young adult where everyone "owes" him and he has not contributed to any of his problems. It's always someone else's fault. Hmmmmm now that I think of it this is sounding like many of the posts I read here every day. Hmmmmmm
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 52
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/11/2012 6:19:54 PM
OP. Good. I'm glad you talked it out with your husband. The only people who are going to "blame" you and your husband are the ones posting here. Most people will applaud you and agree with the stance you are taking.

We, as a family, came to the same decision when it came to my cousin. Shutting the phone off was how we got her to come home the first time. We tried the intervention thing, she walked out in the middle of it cursing us out basically. Put the foot down on the expectations and and she left.

There is only so much you can do.. an adult child isn't going to listen to you unless they want to. He'll either shape up and figure it out, or he'll keep finding people willing to make excuses for him and take care of him. Or he'll do option B for awhile and burn the bridge and then go from there.

The test for your husband is most likely still coming, this was only a teaser. After my cousin was "kicked out" she did all kinds craziness. Called us crying at 2am begging for us to pick her up.. we did for awhile, only to end up a few weeks later in the same exact spot, we finally stopped picking her up. She did all kinds of stuff to her mother, stole from her father and my mother.. got herself beat up, stole from stores, got arrested, most currently her boyfriend and her were squatting in a home and he got arrested. She wasn't there when the cops showed up or she'd be right next to him.

So just hang on and don't give in. He won't change until he's decided he wants to. He'll figure it out one way or another.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 54
view profile
History
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/11/2012 8:46:18 PM
**ouch** Nomadic, my heart goes out to all of you. Sometimes people need to run into/through a whole bunch of brick walls before they get their message. And gosh it's rough.

Having said that, it seems you're on the right track... it is his decision how to handle things with his son. Your deal is to keep your relationship from being a casualty of that process.

I can't really offer any useful advice, I haven't been on your side of the blanket. Now my sweetie could probably offer a few things because he's the one who had to watch/support me in the process with my teen. (and the kiddo wasn't messing up as seriously as the young man you're dealing with - her brand of self-sabotage didn't involve breaking the law for starters). My sweetie did a most excellent job of not adding to my burden during those trying times. He was a valued sounding board for my talking about what to try next and picking my way thru the morass. I imagine there were times... well, heck, I know there were times even if he didn't say it outloud, that he disagreed with my approach, sometimes strongly if I'm reading the timing of his walks correctly. But it was *my* approach, one that came from who I am and the relationship I have with my kiddo, and who she is. I had a learning curve in all of this too. Dayum growth opportunities.

So, I'm not entirely certain where he parked his inevitable frustration during the times when it built up. I'm also not sure how he managed to keep an even keel. But he did. Bless him. It would have been much, much tougher if I had to battle two fronts during those tough times.

I guess maybe the thing to remember is people do the best they can with what they have. And sometimes in the figuring out of what to do and who to be and what is the best course of action for everyone's needs.... we come up empty and sometimes we manage a bit of success. But my gosh you gotta love a partner who is there with you on your "not my best" days. I guess maybe that might be something to think about/focus on when the frustration gets high.
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