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Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 55
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PROBLEM with stepkidPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I'm going to mangle this and will have to discuss it with him again - but he doesn't have his profile anymore and I'll just have to try to interpret what he said about it. (he says Hi Nomadic!)

My sweetie says you have to take it on faith that what you are doing and who you are being is going to pay off in the future when the dust settles. Because it will, the dust will settle on this eventually. It's hard to see it now because you're too close to it. Who you are being in the dark times is planting the seed or building that foundation of trust and love and support and caring and consideration and cooperation... and I guess trust is trusting that your partner is doing the best they can with what they've got. Just as you are doing the best you can with the resources you have in the moment.

So I guess maybe if you keep the focus on who you are being to support your partner it gives you a different place to look from.

It seems to me that when people are standing beside each other in the midst of a problem the relationship stays strong because we're "us" and the problem is over there... it's when they break away from each other that the problem starts to look like the partner. Shift your perspective and the problem shifts.
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 56
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:14:00 PM
I'm sorry to hear about all the trouble your stepson is causing for you and your husband. While reading your story I was wondering if the car your stepson is driving is owned and/or insured under your husband's or your name? The reason why I'm asking is that where this young man is not a responsible driver (and at the moment isn't even legally supposed to be driving), if he hurts or kills someone while driving the injured party may legally be able to go after you and your husband for payment. You could lose everything. Just something to think about before anything happens.
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 58
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:46:24 PM
I feel your pain. I applaud your trying to be supportive; though the internalizing anger can bite after a while. Do you have any kind of therapist or someone ou can use as a sounding board? Does your husband?

Very much admire and appreciate your courage in what must be an incredibly frustrating time. Like I said, I have seen many a marriage end when it is two people's OWN children. Having it be a child you have no say or voice in while you try and keep civil; I can't even imagine. Kudos to you, truly.

You all are in my prayers, as I don't know what else will help while waiting for him to "bottom out". Really hope you do find someone professional to use as a good sounding board; you can't internalize it or it will eat you alive; and come out in other ways.

Best of luck to you and again, kudos for incredible courage, loyalty and trying to be a good supportive encouraging wife in a very difficult situation.

My hat's off to you
Joined: 2/28/2012
Msg: 59
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/12/2012 8:49:46 AM
OP- I commend you for being a good step parent. You seem to be concerned about the boy and him becoming a productive member of society. I know you are also concerned about your husband and this is why it frustrates you so much to see him allow his son to get away with these things. Parents will always do that. My father did the same thing with my brother. Eventually at age 23, my brother came to his senses and decided that he would get on the straight and narrow. Your husband is most likely hoping the same will occur with his son.
I think you should tell your husband how you've been feeling about not wanting to go home. That is a problem that needs to be solved. Then,he can sit down and determine what he can do to make is wife feel comfortable in her home as well as showing his son that he will always have his love and support. I have a feeling this will work out well because you seem to have really thought about t his and has kept a level head about it. Good luck!
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 60
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:15:55 AM
I can't speak to the issue of step children.
But I do know that not all young adults are the same,
the military is not the answer for everyone,
and some people need more time and direction than
others when it comes to jumping on the "this is your life"

I don't think the OP's problem is with the step son. I think
it's with the father. She doesn't like the way he is handling
his son and she needs to talk to him about that. I don't think
she can or should make any decisions in what happens, but
I agree the father needs to know how his decisions are affecting
her and ultimately their marriage.

I would never advocate tossing a child out to help him find his
footing. I never believed in tossing a kid in the water to make him
learn how to swim either.

It's easy to say now what you did 20-30-40 years ago, but things
aren't as they were back then. I'm not even going to go into the
differences because you either see them or you don't.

He's got 4 kids and one is struggling.
That's hardly the definition of poor parenting skills.

I think the most sensible piece of advice here was for the family
counseling. Who knows, maybe counseling will bring to the front
the issues that are troubling the son, because yeah, he might have

At any rate, I wish you the best of luck.

Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 61
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:34:25 AM
OP, Perhaps you need to go for couple's therapy, because the reality is that unless this situation completely goes away in the next day or so, your resentment is going to increase with every new infraction from the man/child. You need some coping strategies to get past this as hopefully the damage isnt so bad that you cant get past it. Your husband may also need to deal with the reason why he is avoiding taking a stand with this man/boy. I wish you all the best, I remember your posts when you were ABITNOMADIC and you seem to be a very level headed and tolerant person, so I can just imagine how toxic your environment must be to resort to these boards.
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 63
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/13/2012 3:24:34 PM
OP, I am so glad that you have talked to your husband about this. Good luck and I hope it turns out well for everyone.
Joined: 5/18/2012
Msg: 65
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/13/2012 4:37:15 PM
Just a quick Q ....

Is there EVER ...NEVER a problem with kids ?
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 66
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/23/2012 3:34:32 AM
This is the most completely idiotic advice I have ever heard for dealing with a drug addicted kid, first of all, he's not a child, he's a full grown adult who should be able to take care of himself, at least to some degree and not need to be pampered constantly with all of his needs being met and paid for. That's ridiculous. Second, what you are talking about is blatant enabling of his behavior. I don't care if he's the guys' kid, he needs to grow up. And the best way to deal with someone like that is to cut them off until they decide to get their act together and get help. Then, and only then, can you provide them with that kind of comfort. Yes, there is such a thing called "unconditional love", but there's also a thing called "tough love" which is essential in any relationship, especially with kids.

This is all coming from someone who personally went through this experience and personally knows many, many, MANY people who have gone through this exact same situation. Trust me, tough love will always get better results in getting someone to change their behavior.
Joined: 6/8/2012
Msg: 67
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/23/2012 4:08:01 AM
You could have avoided all of and not married this man at all. Now, you're life is complicated all in the name of love. What's that old saying??? You made your bed, now lie in it. You have a long commute to work while your husband lives close to his employment, you took on or married into a family with four kids to begin with and your husband is a push over for his son and it goes on and on and on. What the heck were you thinking? Was the sex that good that you married some guy and thought you might just save the world? Honestly, I only feel pity here and I usually have a lot more sympathy but your life sucks. Married about a year with a multitude of issues.

Just looked at your profile. 45 years old...stupid is what stupid does. Disgust :( Boy, the choices we make. ugh
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 68
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/23/2012 6:17:19 AM
Was this stepson a complete angel while you were dating his father? If he was being a total arsehole while you weer dating the dad, what made you think he would completely change into an angel once you roped in the father? If I'm dating someone and I see problems on the home front or any other front, I'm out the door. They are called red flags. I'm not in the business of changing flag colors. Were you so desperate to have a man in your life, that you were willing to ignore all and any red flags? I have no pity for anyone in this scenario. It's garbage like this that makes me avoid dating breeders.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 69
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/23/2012 6:42:02 AM
Moonbeamlover, post 54 was absolutely excellent and differentiating between effective parental support of grown or nearly grown children and enabling them so that they never grow up.

I have a 33-year-old stepson who has 7 children and he has never spent a stable day since I helped push him out of the state at 19. His then preggers girlfriend wanted to go back to school in Tennessee so I used my rent money to buy them bus tickets to get them the hell out of my house. We blew a couple thousand on baby things, dining room table, etc. but they were lazy people whose guiding principles were developed by the now wife who was raised by people that were experts at using the system. I stopped helping and some of the help they got was given after I split with his dad. His mother finally figured out that despite worries about the grandkids they weren't doing anyone any favors by continuing to send money either.

OP, sounds like you had an excellent conversation with your husband and I hope that he is able to stick to a little tough love, it's far past time. Curiosity, whose car is the kid driving?

SCPumpkin, I think your assessment of the school system is probably a bit harsh. What teachers can and cannot do has been significantly altered by the helicopter parents and that began 30+ years ago when I was in school. My parents were teachers and already complained of way too much being dictated by parents that didn't want you telling poor Johnny or June anything. As far as the kids not knowing what's up when they grow up, part of that is just part of transitioning to an adult.

My parents did a good job of trying to teach me about money, accountability, etc. but when I moved out at 19 it was a rude awakening, but oddly, I didn't go running to my parents every time I had a problem. My daughter who is 20 complains nobody told me. Stfu up with that, I told you plenty but like most kids you didn't listen and you've had to learn those things yourself, which hellooo there is zero wrong with. She had a leg up on a lot of kids because I started making her responsible for making doctor's appointments and many other things before she left for school, which she ****ed about at the time. She has since thanked me because college 1100 miles away would have been much more difficult if I had not forced her to do some more growing up before she left.

And my oldest brother is 60, he pulled the being a squatter in my parent's house and when he was still hustling pool for a living six months after my father's lame dateless ultimatum about finding a job, enrolling in college or enlisting in the military she told him to get out. It was his choice to drift around sleeping on lawn chairs and what have you at friend's houses (probably really friend's parent's houses). He didn't get the bug out of his rear about that until he was in his 30s and went to therapy when he was getting divorced.

Reading a few more reposts, my hat is off to you because I would have gone apeshit on the kid a long time ago. My ex was exceedingly wishy washy and it was me going toe to toe with a 6' 200 pound kid who was finally kicked out of the house by me, one of the only things my ex ever truly backed me on. When he asked to come back his father told him he had to get that answer from me. I'd take the garden hose into his room and turn it on anyone he had in there any time he had them in there. You make it so horrid that the kid doesn't want to be at your house he'll probably leave of his own accord.

With the car, as I'm sure your husband bought it, I'd take it and leave it somewhere and give the kid a skateboard. And why pray tell is the kid still insured by your husband? Jesus the entire town is enabling this kid.

My 13-year-old got into trouble with the law, his way of coping with my breast cancer was taking pot to school, whoohoo. He thought he had me in his cross hairs when he told me he would tell the woman handling his case that I hit him with a plastic hanger. Really, I told her myself after detailing how in my current state not yet recovered from my mastectomy I had to drag this kid who was holding onto tables and fighting me the whole way into his room twice. The third time I said F this and got a hanger. Couple of whacks and he moved pretty quickly but he earned a couple more when he threw down a new stool on his way to his room. Two days later when he pulled the same crap he decided to get up and go to his room on his own steam when I had the hanger in my hand. Is this my vision of how parenting should work? Pretty much no, but there isn't anyone else around here but my 17-year-old son to get this kid in hand and that's not his job. I'll do whatever is required to straighten out my kid and coddling him isn't going to do anything but exacerbate the problem.

My daughter was with us and applauded me for telling the truth to the probation officer rather than trying to white wash things and get minimum punishment (she thinks she would have white washed thing). What I got was help for my son. When I explained the situation between my daughter, my middle son who has been depressed probably for five years and the little one the officer said I see a mom who has two kids drowning and doesn't know which one to save first. The system did not come down on him but she was very clear that if he didn't get his shit together it would. And she was very clear just how serious his behavior is at home and getting control of it before more of it spills into areas where he is really going to have to pay the piper.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 70
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/23/2012 8:39:38 AM
Wow. There's a whole lot going on here. As much as the stepson needs ultimatums, so does the husband. The stepson needs to be told by the father he has x amount of time to get a job and keep it and clean up his act if he wishes to remain under the same roof and the father needs to be told he has x amount of time to make a change with the stepson or you will make a decision that's within your control. Your frustration stems from the lack of control you have in the situation.

It's all nice and airy fairy to state that a person should stay out of the child rearing of a biological parent and their child but there's a point and there's a point. This situation is out of your control, other than stating to your husband how this is affecting you and your stepdaughter. Having stated how this is affecting you, he has choices, the stepson has choices and you have choices. The status quo is obviously not working for the stepson or for anyone else who's living under the same roof. This would be a difficult enough situation to live with if the stepson was a minor because there are more alternatives available to you and your husband, but he's not.

I get a real kick out of the poster who's gone on a rant about the older generation (50's and 60's) being the cause of this sort of attitude with the present generation. Sorry, it wasn't my generation who insisted that there should be no accountability for a kid's actions or inaction. When I was raising my kids, there was no such thing as "everyone passes", "there are no failures", "no scores kept in athletics", ad nauseam. You worked for everything you got, whether it be grades in school or accomplishments in sports or any other endeavour. You were taught you have your own strengths and weaknesses and that not everyone is the same. You were applauded for your successes, assisted with your shortcomings and told when it was time to pursue something more suitable to your abilities. The real world doesn't work on "everyone's a winner" attitude, even if you put in the "least" effort. I didn't buy my kids cell phones, didn't buy them their cars, didn't pay for their insurance, etc. when they were at an age where they were capable of earning the money for such non-necessities themselves.

My kids weren't perfect growing up but during their most imperfect periods, they were given direction and consequences for their actions, each relative to the particular behaviour. I don't see this happening in this case and it's not too late to enforce it. The Op's husband apparently doesn't believe in this attitude. Sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, the OP's husband also needs to learn, even at his age, there are consequences for his actions/inaction. As much as the stepson needs to be told this, so does the husband. For your own sanity, I'd give an ultimatum of a year. At that point, you may have to move out, remain married and date until your husband gets it. That's plenty of time for everyone to turn it around and if that doesn't happen, you have the choice to leave what appears to be an unbearable situation or remain under the same roof in misery. I don't see the point - love doesn't always conquer all, particularly when there's no team playing going on. The husband and stepson both have self-centered and self-serving agendas. One's afraid to stand on his own and the other is afraid of letting him.
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 72
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/25/2012 4:05:48 PM
Wrandy, gonna cut in here, while its true that shes not the kids mother, her husband still need to support her thought process to. No Kid should be disrepecting there parent, I dont care if the parent are the real father/mother or not, grow some, and be the parent, not a friend. Afterall you not teaching your kid anything by been soft.

question-how does one bring the quote of what there responding to in to there reply......
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 73
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/25/2012 4:38:54 PM
question-how does one bring the quote of what there responding to in to there reply......

[ quote ] to start quote [ /quote ] to end the quote

Take out the spaces between the brackets and the works
Joined: 8/17/2006
Msg: 74
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/25/2012 4:53:26 PM
One of my accounts had a problem with a step kid on drugs that almost ruined her marriage. I told her plumbers can fix lots of problems

I went to her home with one of my helpers who I think may have had or used drugs at one time :)

The day after I made the service call someone made an anonymous call to the police that they saw drugs in the (step) kids room and that he may have some under his mattress

Oh my his bail was revoked and the marriage is thriving

The Lord she does work in mysterious ways
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 75
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/25/2012 5:24:42 PM
prolly making to much out of this,,, but not grabbing what your saying.
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 77
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/26/2012 9:24:40 AM
In a marriage the spouse, not children, in-laws, or anyone else, should be the top priority. By enabling his son to live the life of a loafer, which is a disservice to the young man, he is destroying his marriage. You are afraid to go home because of this. Your husband needs to take control of the situation, quickly.
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 78
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/26/2012 12:03:44 PM

I have a 33-year-old stepson who has 7 children and he has never spent a stable day since I helped push him out of the state at 19. His then preggers girlfriend wanted to go back to school in Tennessee so I used my rent money to buy them bus tickets to get them the hell out of my house. We blew a couple thousand on baby things, dining room table, etc. but they were lazy people whose guiding principles were developed by the now wife who was raised by people that were experts at using the system. I stopped helping and some of the help they got was given after I split with his dad.

Well there you have it OP, If that is the end result you want then please by all means follow suit and do exactly what she did and that means you might want to start saving some money to live on or you just might end up being one of those ladies that sit on their ass all day on a computer while they run a daycare that consists of a caged room with a TV and a bunch of old broken toys so they won't be bothered while watching soaps and/or reading dating site forums.

Trust me OP there is LOTS of women paid to be state caregivers simply because they meet the minimum requirements but are nothing more than zoo keepers treating the kids like animals to be herded and toss some crumbs at while they are planted in front of the TV.

I would bet very highly that this lady used to do exactly that since she fits the profile to the T. Overweight single mom super opinionated that has all the answers and finally decides to start a daycare while attending an online university and racking up a shyt ton of student loans so that they can finally find a man that is dazzled with their new found brilliance and degree, enough to marry them only to then get that oh yeah by the way I been lazy for the last 5 years of my life and lived off from Stafford loans taking the maximum amount every semester... and POOF... now some sucker gets shafted paying for all those loans cause a degree in horticulture and needlepoint is not exactly in high demand.

Yeah that crap story is being played out all over this damn country right this very moment and the employers are not buying it or buying into those social recommendations....

As you said it might be a done issue, but seriously.... If it is not the parent dealing with the issues the son is going through, then it is going to end up being the responsibility of the legal system to deal with him or the responsibility of some community services agency to deal with him.

You know what? Everytime they have to be the ones dealing with an unruly child like that it screams one thing.... what a bad parent to just give up and dump them onto someone else... I am telling you.. you and these people out here saying dump them out on their ass seem to have too skewed of a view.

When you do that, you are NOT simply dumping out a child to be thought tough love or sink or swim.... because you are not dumping the child out into nothingness.

You are dumping them out to be everyone elses problem... and I AM part of that everyone else segment and it pisses me off when dumb ass parents do that crap THINKING they are doing the correct thing....
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 79
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:38:27 PM

The boy completely disrespects HIM, the home, the family.

You should, as lovingly as possible, TELL your husband essentially what you've said here.

That you're scared. That you're uncomfortable with the disrespect being shown for the home and the family, and the husband. That the lack of protecting the HOME is beginning to cause you to lack respect for him.

It's not an easy discussion to have, and you need to know that a LOT of men are really softies where their children are concerned. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because hubby was an Army guy, or even a CEO of a major corporation that that automatically means they are capable of taking an authoratative stance inside their own family. This IS his child, not an employee....and that is all the more reason why he NEEDS to address these issues. This MAN (the 21 yr old) needs a strong dose of reality....and it sounds as if Dad is just not going to step up and offer the injection.

Your husband should ALSO consider what this 21 yr old man is doing to his OTHER sons. THEY are part of the "home and family" that are being disrespected. I would particularly be concerned about the example being set for the 16 yr old. Good Luck!
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 81
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/27/2013 8:26:44 AM
sounds like this kid needs a DAMN GOOD BEATING!
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 82
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/27/2013 9:32:11 AM
It is in the best interest of your husband's son and the grandchild to leave the child with the maternal family. This allows the mom to get her education and provides stability for the baby--two things the young father should really support since he is not in a position to support his own family yet. He is still very young and clearly immature (I don't mean that in a pejorative way), and needs to demonstrate through his actions that he can care for a child before he takes the child out of a home prepared to support it.

Grandpa needs to balance the interests of this baby against the interests of its daddy--and clearly, leaving the child with the maternal family is best right now. That can change and Grandpa can take action if/when the baby would truly have its best interests met by living with its daddy--that is, when daddy can demonstrate he has the skills and income to support a child properly. This isn't about son/daddy anymore.
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 83
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/27/2013 10:01:52 AM
You have a tough situation on hands. Weird how people don't think before they get married.
Drugs/alcohol problem is a major issue. Your husband went through a divorce with their mom so he has a connection and tie to them that's hard to understand by people without children. You care because they are your husband's children, his blood line and his inheritance.
Sit down with him and communicate. Tough love might be needed for the child and also, you might be the one to step up and help this child.
Marriage isn't fun and game, it's work! And it includes children of the other person.
I've never been married but raised a son on my own and now, he's well adjusted, happily married and in the army. There was some tough time but I dealt with it on my own. If I was to get into a relationship with a man with children, yes the thought of his children are on my mind because they are his life! A divorce man loves his children and I'm sure he'll choose them over any relationship. As a stepmom, you do have a reason to come into these children's lives, to love them unconditionally and to help your husband raise them. Weird how women think they can get married to a man with children and have nothing to do with his kids. That's the word family, you married a family.
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 84
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/27/2013 10:05:59 AM
As a former stepmom who is in charge here -- your husband or your stepson? To set up housekeeping and live rent free on your husband's property would be a form of enabling in my opinion.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 85
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/27/2013 12:10:12 PM

So...a little update? In case any of you were wondering....

He's still at home, is now 22, and has impregnated his teenage girlfriend. He didn't tell us--we found out, when she was five months pregnant, on facebook--from a picture on her page (she's due next month). Her parents are supportive, prepared to support the baby, are making minimal demands (financial or otherwise) on my stepson, have access to affordable childcare (through the hospital at which the girlfriend's mother works), and want to offer all this while the girlfriend goes to college (she is about to graduate from high school). However, HE (stepson) has decided that her parents aren't good enough for his baby to be around, so he wants my husband (since I won't let the girl and baby move into the house) to convert the outdoor shed on our property into an apartment for the three of them, rent free of course (it's a prefab aluminum shed--I mean, we're talking a ridiculous investment). My husband is considering doing this, and the ultimate decision that is made about the residence of this baby (if not the boy himself--I'm OK with HIM in the house as long as he's working) will be very telling. I've made it clear that I'm opposed to this plan and I'm seeing it as a line in the sand for me.

BTW, the boy is now working full time but my husband still pays all his bills.

It's going to be an interesting summer. :/

Good heavens. Might I suggest family therapy? who is in charge here -- your husband or your stepson?

The stepson.
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