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Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 86
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PROBLEM with stepkidPage 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
You know what is worse than a child who has been raised to be a idiot? It would be the parents who raised them, but they may well have been raised by idiots too. Now the thing that tops all that, would be to marry into a family like that. At least you have a choice not to be involved.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 87
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/29/2013 1:40:40 PM

It's making me lose respect for him as a father--I don't want this to happen because I fear that it is affecting my marriage.

You sound like the typical "look at what you made me do," type of personality, that find justifications for then their own behavior. I personally would have lost Respect for you as a partner. Rather than put blame into this guy, try to work things together. Try to understand the issues with the child. And if anything suggest that you all go to family therapy. Since a DIU took place, it may be required by the courts, but from what you are saying, you are already looking for an exit strategy and an unwillingness to work together. Particularly since you have never had any children.
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 88
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/30/2013 7:42:54 AM

he wants my husband (since I won't let the girl and baby move into the house) to convert the outdoor shed on our property into an apartment for the three of them, rent free of course (it's a prefab aluminum shed--I mean, we're talking a ridiculous investment)

It is not legal in most places to live in a shed, especially with a newborn baby.

You stated that your stepson works but your husband covers his bills and he lives rent free at your house?

What does he do with his money? He should be saving every penny he can in order to have enough money to get his own place to live. Your husband, although he means well, is an enabler, how is the boy ever going to figure out how to get by in this world by himself?
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 89
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/30/2013 8:05:01 AM

Your husband, although he means well, is an enabler,...

I do believe that's the reason for the post.

Not a lot that notnomadic can do about it though. The options are pretty much: 1) Put up with it; 2) Leave.

Since they are married and she does love him, 2) is difficult at best, and 1) isn't so easy either, especially since the young man's demands are actually escalating with time.

Myself, I would probably move out. I wouldn't ask for a divorce though, I'd see if that pushed him to get his act together with respect to his son first (unlikely but not impossible). I take marriage vows very seriously but it seems to me the husband in this case is not respecting them. They've talked about it, so he knows his behavior is hurting the marriage.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 90
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/1/2013 6:39:54 AM

wow, so no one ever got help from their parents and there are no parents out there willing to help their kids.

Read the entire thread. The OP and her husband have been putting up with this overgrown child for years. The girl's family are more than willing to standup and support the girl and baby, but the son wants things his way and is asking the OP and her new husband to renovate their home to suit him. He has a history of drugs, arrest and laziness. Not exactly someone I'd continue to enable.
Nomad, I think you need to give your husband an ultimatum, either the boy gets his own place or you do. You did not sign up to support the habits of the bad seed. If the kid is working full time then he needs to move out.
You can be a good parent and practice tough love at the same time.
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 91
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/2/2013 8:06:42 AM
I subscribe to the adage " no good deed goes unpunished" and this is what the Father seems to be reaping now, a adult/child that is completely self centred and who has no issue with demanding anything and everything from his father regardless of how ill though out or ridiculous. The shed thing is just ridiculous and if the Hubby agrees to it, call the Bylaw officer yourself anonymously.

I feel for you OP, as clearly Hubby cannot seem to find the intestinal fiber to deal with this issue. I too agree that the baby is probably better off with the Mother. I dont imagine that this young man is even remotely aaware of what is required to be a parent.
Joined: 2/1/2013
Msg: 93
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/11/2013 10:24:43 PM
Oy. This sounds like a horrible situation.

First off, lots of things do not show up as cocaine. When they do a drug test, they actually test for cocaine. There is nothing that shows up as cocaine, but cocaine.

Secondly, at minimum, you need to find a way to tell your husband that this is actually affecting you in a very profound way, and that although you are willing to do what it takes to help him sort it, he needs to work on sorting it.

Just out of curiosity, have you tried to have a heart-to-heart with these kids? Perhaps if they knew how dramatically this was affecting you, and potentially your relationship with their father, they would be a bit more cognizant of their actions.

Good luck to all of you.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 94
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/12/2013 7:28:43 AM
I haven't read the whole thread, so if someone else has suggested this, I'll just second them; if not, what I would suggest, most wholeheartedly, is some family time at Al-Anon. If you can't get the whole family to go, go yourself for as long as you need to. Also try several groups; some are more tuned and less hlepy than others.
Joined: 8/28/2012
Msg: 95
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/12/2013 11:31:30 AM

For those who wish to think I'm an evil, don't wanna love my stepkids, wantin' to find reasons to leave, harridan...

Two handy things to remember about this forum: "Free advice is worth the price" & "Hurt people hurt people."
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 96
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/12/2013 7:03:28 PM
so, it sounds like a middle child acting out for attention (not material things, but attention) like middle children sometimes do. that would explain the bullying, and the chasin' tail.

get a book on that, understanding it may help make it less of a mystery, and more...well...tolerable.

as for respecting the hubby, notice he did a better job w/ the other three kids. keep that as a measuring stick for his parenting ability.

this can get handled--I have an ex w/ a TBI from when she was 18yrs old, who married into a family w/ kids acting out, and she's defying med science who says there's no way she can handle a job, these kids, and having her own biological son w/ the dad w/ her TBI. he's emotionally distance, so yes, she is divorcing him, but that's nothing to do w/ the kids. she's doing more for them than their biological parents are, so what I'm saying is, there's some options you have to return your sense of control in your own house.

get to know the problem w/ the kid. get to know WHY the problem was created. don't play the blame game w/ dad, reason with him and show him the rational path to take to making this kid into something of an adult (you can't make people do what they don't want to do, but you can show them the path and let them take it.)
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 97
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/12/2013 10:13:36 PM

I haven't read the whole thread, so if someone else has suggested this, I'll just second them; if not, what I would suggest, most wholeheartedly, is some family time at Al-Anon.

I'm facepalming at not having thought of that. It's a very good idea.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 98
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/13/2013 12:06:20 AM
^^ me too. Nomad, I have nothing (other than a hug) to add. But definitely follow woobie's Al-Anon advice... most excellent!
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 99
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/13/2013 7:04:14 AM

the denial here--my husband's desperation not to face these kinds of truths--more than anything, is hard to bear. I need to talk to him about that, but I can't find the words. I tried, and he started going on about how lots of things can show up as cocaine, which I know isn't true (a close friend is THE staff drug tester for a hospital and we talked about it as well). I just don't want to fight about it.

I have to wonder if he cant accept what his child has become because he sees it as a failure on his part? Either way, it is clear that there is no quick fix here, TBH, after the passing out at work thing, I would not be surprised if this kid doesnt top himself in the next year or so with an OD.

Here is what I would be worried about OP, there is no way watching your husband do everything but what needs to be done isnt starting to kill your love and respect for him. I know I couldnt watch a parent stand by and pretty much help his kid throw his life down the sewer becsuse he couldnt do what needs to be done, because he was incapable of admitting that he is part of the problem by enabling the behaviour. I think that it may be ultimatum time and that would mean attending some support groups for the father to start seeing how big a part he is in enabling this behaviour to continue.

IMO unless this kid kills himself or gets help immediately, this is your life for the foreseeable future. Not to mention I envision multiple visits from child services once the baby is born and the man/child and his teen baby momma start knocking the crap out of each other once the stresses of the new baby start to bubble up and there isnt money for diapers or a baby sitter...

I feel for you as I cant imagine living in this situation for even a single minute...
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 101
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/17/2013 7:16:55 PM

now he's in his own place

Wonderful. Congratulations. (Have you changed the locks? hehe)
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 102
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/18/2013 5:19:34 AM
Wow, OP. You're much stronget than me. I would have been out of there so fast they would have had to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 103
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/18/2013 7:39:26 AM
Thanks for the update, glad to hear your home is a little more peaceful.
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 105
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/18/2013 12:20:31 PM
Good Luck, it is hard having to take a hard line, but it needed to be done.

I am curious, what is hubbies response to all of this? You didnt mention him once in your update...
Joined: 8/10/2010
Msg: 107
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/25/2013 8:11:12 AM
When I wrote what I wrote I didn't know I would be labeled a quitter on child I just feel the Boys becoming men should be raised differently than girls to women.This Kid thinks he is entitled,and allowing his behavior to spiral out of control.others have said he needs accountability.I agree.others have said put him in drug rehab....and I am sorry I feel like that is a waste of energy.Unless someone wants to get clean,all the rehab and support places in the world isn't going to help.And Im sorry,you cannot allow a drug addict to live in your house period.There is a joke we have down here that's so true....whats the difference between a thief and a crackhead?a thief will steal from you,a crackhead will steal from you and help you look for it. I think he needs to hit rock bottom before he will change.As long as he has a safety net he will continue to take it for granted.Its almost like watching a single mother mowing her yard when her perfectly capable 16 yr old son is inside the ac playing video games and has no remorse for doing his mother that way.
now am I saying turn his back on him forever?hell no,as they are hitting rock bottom it will hurt you as well,but it has to be done,and then when they hit that bottom and say ok,this is not what I want,and they reach out for help then help a rock for them then,because they know where they will end up if they hit rock bottom again.but thats just my thought.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 109
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/3/2015 11:28:51 PM
notnomadic- My best friend gave me a book for adult children of alcoholics, three months ago, I could NOT open it for a while.
I am 3/4ths of the way through it now, I have to read in small doses, it brings back things I have a hard time facing.
I have shared, many times, that I am the adult child of two alcoholics.
I have managed, somehow, to overcome it, mostly, but as I read this book, I am realizing that it has affected me more than I want to admit.
The book talks about dysfunction in family's because of more than alcoholism.
It addresses how long term dysfunction affects people, in general.
Being so close to the fourth of July holiday, I haven't gone to my first meeting, yet, but I am going to make the call next week and go to an al-anon meeting.
Al-a non is for the family members affected by addiction and/or dysfunction.
PLEASE look into meetings in your area, try to get your husband to go with you, if he won't go, go alone.
I thought I had faced what I had been through, and in many ways, I did, but my recovery isn't complete because I have been trying to do it, for too long, on my own.
As the oldest child, it is in my nature to be the protector, the fixer.
I am now realizing that I can't effectively do that if I don't finally face my own pain and issues, full on.
It scares the crap out of me, I fear falling apart, finally facing it all, but I am GOING to do it, because I now know I must.
I'm glad some of your anger is gone, but this isn't over yet, you and your husband are in the role of co-dependents, and there is only ONE way out for you and that is to seek help outside of what you have already been doing.
I have been dealing with this for 46 years, so this is NOT judgement, it is the opposite.
This is someone who understands what you are going through, with all my heart, and hopes that you will take my advice.
It took my best friend, putting a mirror up to me for me to face it, I will always be thankful to her for that.
Seeking support is NOT a weakness, it can save you.
DO IT, please.
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 110
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/3/2015 11:41:36 PM
Your husband must be a real special guy for you to put up with this chaos. And you must be a true saint. Since I chose not to have kids and after my last relationship fiasco with a "Dad", I'd rather be a nun than go there again.

I may not be the first, but please let me say YOU WERE RIGHT! Your husband should have cut off the cell phone and let the kid hit rock bottom before he started breeding because now the son is stuck in a perpetual loser cycle unfortunately. Dad should have listened to your sage advise and most of these posters should have acknowledged their bias and not steered you so strongly in the wrong direction. Shame on them. Don't ya just love it when folks say "you are not a parent, how can you understand" we in fact have all been children for 21 years with parents. We are all very well versed and intimately experienced in the fields of parenting and childhood regardless if we had kids or not.

Thank goodness we live a country with a decent government and all it's benefits to help the grandkids be taken care of properly. If you weren't a saint to begin with you are now. Congrats!
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 111
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 1:07:18 AM
I agree.

You must be a saint.

Like you I am childfree and I know people who have experienced problems like you describe with their kids.
There is absolutely NO WAY I would go anywhere near the train wreck you live with daily.

And ... yes..... I am choosing the life of a nun rather than a bad relationship. Sigh!!!

Surely there is a middle ground.

Even Doris Day did not choose her husbands well.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 112
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 1:19:21 AM
sealady111- I am right there with you, from time to time, there is loneliness, but given the stress of my former marriage, I am VERY careful now.
I have not been a nun, I have been careful and it IS possible to do that.
Is there such thing as a semi nun, a kind of sorta nun? Lol ;
I wish someone would come up with a positive description of someone comfortable alone, but tries often enough to not be nominated for said nun hood? :D
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 113
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 3:22:43 AM
Thankyou for the update... Its good to hear you still love your husband and are less angry about his sons actions... I have no words of wisdom, but I wish you well and hugs...
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 114
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 3:24:31 AM
Bamagrl, good luck for your meeting... I think it will be worth going, just to discover in person there are others who have experienced and feel as you do...Good luck again...
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 115
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 4:02:13 AM
At 24 there's not much in the way of radical changes you can expect from him as long as he lives rent free with you and has money to lay up at the motel with baby's mamma.

She refuses to name him as the father? Is this because she's on govt. assistance? Some states provide assistance if there is no man to be held responsible for support. Once he's identifed govt support stops.

Let him deal with his dope charge on his own. Unless he had wrapped bricks they're not going to send him to prison. People don't realize misd. charges are in essence a income generator for the local govt. incarceration is a last option as long as they can pay something monthly while on probation.

Nothing changes for him until there's a reason to change.
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