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 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 102
PROBLEM with stepkidPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Wow, OP. You're much stronget than me. I would have been out of there so fast they would have had to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 103
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History
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/18/2013 7:39:26 AM
Thanks for the update, glad to hear your home is a little more peaceful.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 105
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/18/2013 12:20:31 PM
Good Luck, it is hard having to take a hard line, but it needed to be done.

I am curious, what is hubbies response to all of this? You didnt mention him once in your update...
 AllAboutSports
Joined: 8/10/2010
Msg: 107
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/25/2013 8:11:12 AM
When I wrote what I wrote I didn't know I would be labeled a quitter on child raising.lol. I just feel the Boys becoming men should be raised differently than girls to women.This Kid thinks he is entitled,and allowing his behavior to spiral out of control.others have said he needs accountability.I agree.others have said put him in drug rehab....and I am sorry I feel like that is a waste of energy.Unless someone wants to get clean,all the rehab and support places in the world isn't going to help.And Im sorry,you cannot allow a drug addict to live in your house period.There is a joke we have down here that's so true....whats the difference between a thief and a crackhead?a thief will steal from you,a crackhead will steal from you and help you look for it. I think he needs to hit rock bottom before he will change.As long as he has a safety net he will continue to take it for granted.Its almost like watching a single mother mowing her yard when her perfectly capable 16 yr old son is inside the ac playing video games and has no remorse for doing his mother that way.
now am I saying turn his back on him forever?hell no,as they are hitting rock bottom it will hurt you as well,but it has to be done,and then when they hit that bottom and say ok,this is not what I want,and they reach out for help then help them.be a rock for them then,because they know where they will end up if they hit rock bottom again.but thats just my thought.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 109
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/3/2015 11:28:51 PM
notnomadic- My best friend gave me a book for adult children of alcoholics, three months ago, I could NOT open it for a while.
I am 3/4ths of the way through it now, I have to read in small doses, it brings back things I have a hard time facing.
I have shared, many times, that I am the adult child of two alcoholics.
I have managed, somehow, to overcome it, mostly, but as I read this book, I am realizing that it has affected me more than I want to admit.
The book talks about dysfunction in family's because of more than alcoholism.
It addresses how long term dysfunction affects people, in general.
Being so close to the fourth of July holiday, I haven't gone to my first meeting, yet, but I am going to make the call next week and go to an al-anon meeting.
Al-a non is for the family members affected by addiction and/or dysfunction.
PLEASE look into meetings in your area, try to get your husband to go with you, if he won't go, go alone.
I thought I had faced what I had been through, and in many ways, I did, but my recovery isn't complete because I have been trying to do it, for too long, on my own.
As the oldest child, it is in my nature to be the protector, the fixer.
I am now realizing that I can't effectively do that if I don't finally face my own pain and issues, full on.
It scares the crap out of me, I fear falling apart, finally facing it all, but I am GOING to do it, because I now know I must.
I'm glad some of your anger is gone, but this isn't over yet, you and your husband are in the role of co-dependents, and there is only ONE way out for you and that is to seek help outside of what you have already been doing.
I have been dealing with this for 46 years, so this is NOT judgement, it is the opposite.
This is someone who understands what you are going through, with all my heart, and hopes that you will take my advice.
It took my best friend, putting a mirror up to me for me to face it, I will always be thankful to her for that.
Seeking support is NOT a weakness, it can save you.
DO IT, please.
 shirleywonton01
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 110
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/3/2015 11:41:36 PM
Your husband must be a real special guy for you to put up with this chaos. And you must be a true saint. Since I chose not to have kids and after my last relationship fiasco with a "Dad", I'd rather be a nun than go there again.

I may not be the first, but please let me say YOU WERE RIGHT! Your husband should have cut off the cell phone and let the kid hit rock bottom before he started breeding because now the son is stuck in a perpetual loser cycle unfortunately. Dad should have listened to your sage advise and most of these posters should have acknowledged their bias and not steered you so strongly in the wrong direction. Shame on them. Don't ya just love it when folks say "you are not a parent, how can you understand" we in fact have all been children for 21 years with parents. We are all very well versed and intimately experienced in the fields of parenting and childhood regardless if we had kids or not.

Thank goodness we live a country with a decent government and all it's benefits to help the grandkids be taken care of properly. If you weren't a saint to begin with you are now. Congrats!
 sealady111
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 111
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 1:07:18 AM
I agree.

You must be a saint.

Like you I am childfree and I know people who have experienced problems like you describe with their kids.
There is absolutely NO WAY I would go anywhere near the train wreck you live with daily.

And ... yes..... I am choosing the life of a nun rather than a bad relationship. Sigh!!!

Surely there is a middle ground.

Even Doris Day did not choose her husbands well.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 112
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 1:19:21 AM
sealady111- I am right there with you, from time to time, there is loneliness, but given the stress of my former marriage, I am VERY careful now.
I have not been a nun, I have been careful and it IS possible to do that.
Is there such thing as a semi nun, a kind of sorta nun? Lol ;
I wish someone would come up with a positive description of someone comfortable alone, but tries often enough to not be nominated for said nun hood? :D
 marisia
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 113
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 3:22:43 AM
Thankyou for the update... Its good to hear you still love your husband and are less angry about his sons actions... I have no words of wisdom, but I wish you well and hugs...
 marisia
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 114
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 3:24:31 AM
Bamagrl, good luck for your meeting... I think it will be worth going, just to discover in person there are others who have experienced and feel as you do...Good luck again...
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 115
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 4:02:13 AM
At 24 there's not much in the way of radical changes you can expect from him as long as he lives rent free with you and has money to lay up at the motel with baby's mamma.

She refuses to name him as the father? Is this because she's on govt. assistance? Some states provide assistance if there is no man to be held responsible for support. Once he's identifed govt support stops.

Let him deal with his dope charge on his own. Unless he had wrapped bricks they're not going to send him to prison. People don't realize misd. charges are in essence a income generator for the local govt. incarceration is a last option as long as they can pay something monthly while on probation.

Nothing changes for him until there's a reason to change.
 sealady111
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 116
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 6:42:41 AM
Crook catcher. .

A question ...

If someone was found guilty of a minor crime, misdemeanor, surely even if not incarcerated they would have a criminal record follow them for the rest of their life?

Limiting job prospects and more?

Certainly does here.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 117
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 6:47:39 AM
As Crookcatcher said,
Nothing changes for him until there's a reason to change.

At the moment, there is absolutely no reason to change - he has everything taken care of for him.

I have a question about the future. What will happen if your husband (his father) dies? Is his will made out so that this son receives a greater share because he 'needs' it? (I've always hated wills made out in favor of one child or another).
Who will own the house and will he still live there? Will he move in the baby mama/s? Just some questions for you, your husband, and all your step-children to consider.
 StarClassic
Joined: 9/29/2014
Msg: 118
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 6:56:58 AM
^^^You and I are on the same wavelength CC.
The boy is a freeloader, and he won't take responsibility for himself until he is made to do so.

While there weren't any drugs or DUI's involved, the OP's situation almost mirrors the problem I had with the ex and her adult son.
 StarClassic
Joined: 9/29/2014
Msg: 119
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 7:01:26 AM

Crook catcher. .

A question ...

If someone was found guilty of a minor crime, misdemeanor, surely even if not incarcerated they would have a criminal record follow them for the rest of their life?

Limiting job prospects and more?

Certainly does here.


He could have his record expunged. Some crimes are not eligible though.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 120
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 7:34:28 AM

If someone was found guilty of a minor crime, misdemeanor, surely even if not incarcerated they would have a criminal record follow them for the rest of their life?


That is correct. Unless they get sentenced under the first offender act. They have to complete the probationary period satisfactorily. That charge would not show up in a employment background check unless the job is a security clearance type position. There are different levels of criminal history reports depending upon the requesting agencies authority.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 121
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 11:01:13 AM
I can't seem to get my head around the fact that my husband (a retired army man himself who still works in a command position) lets this kid completely disrespect him with NO consequences at all?


^^
I have a question... what is your husband's relationship with his own father like?

Seems to me the root of the problem isn't your son but your husband since the son is still under his roof.
Had the son been on his own, then the problem would lie squarely on the his own shoulders.
Your husband is an enabler. Why?
That's where my question comes in. Trying to get to the root of the problem to figure out why then figure out the what (to do).

Meanwhile, ....
Congrats OP, you're a parent. The worry, concern, and all the other emotions is what being a parent is.
You're a good one for sticking it out instead of walking away.
Hang in there. :)
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 122
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 12:54:16 PM
Wow...this thread was a very interesting read.

OP, you walked into an overwhelming situation, not of your making.

It seems like you are relatively at peace with the situation because you know that you did all that YOU could do, by trying to help the man-child where possible, and by being a supportive wife :)
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 123
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 4:23:49 PM
I too am sans-kids, but this a train wreck.

Your husband has to put together an exit plan for his son. He is doing him no favors by bailing his son out of every jam he gets into. The kid needs to become an adult, and understand that he MUST pay for his mistakes. His father, your husband, has to wrap his mind around the idea that he's doing his son no favors by bailing him out every time. Make it clear to your husband that if he dies, you won't be there to bail out his son. (Assuming that you have the backbone to cut the kid off)

Being an employer, I see these useless kids asking for jobs. When I give them one, they last about two days, then they come up with Gichy-goomie disease, and can't make it to work. Then, they show up for work two days later, figuring that I'll believe that they were really sick. If I put them to work after that, they get to find out how to bustass. Because you DON"T leave me hanging.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 124
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 5:01:37 PM
Make it clear to your husband that if he dies, you won't be there to bail out his son. (Assuming that you have the backbone to cut the kid off)
^^^
This is a good one. Bit of a "cold water to the face" method.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 125
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/4/2015 5:54:09 PM
its nice to hear an update, thanks.

its good to hear you aren't eating yourself up with anger.

as for the solution to your prayers to finding a way to create a future for himself--others here posted the right advice. this guy has absolutely nothing broken for him to fix. People who respect themselves, worry about the outcome of their actions. People who think life sucks, have suck-y lives. People who don't worry about how they look...don't worry about how their actions will make them look.

he has fun, everyone else pays the consequences. its typically when you're old enough to need security and stability, that you realize the importance of a foundation. and by then, its too late to build that foundation easily and simply. you just don't have the energy anymore.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 126
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/8/2015 7:35:33 AM
I'm happy that you and your husband are still in love.......

I would be livid if my husband continued to enable someone that disrespected us so much, you are amazing to be able put up with this.
I agree with the Al Anon suggestion, I have friends who's adult child is a drug addict and the meetings bring them a lot of comfort and help them understand what they need to do to cope.
As a step parent it is easy to fall into the bad guy category, undoubtedly you will be blamed if he's asked to leave. You and your husband do need to be on the same page with the exit strategy. 24 is too old to be sponging off your parents.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 127
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/8/2015 2:16:19 PM

You married a man with 4 children and you have never had kids?....interesting choice there....


What's interesting about it?
 softy599
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 129
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PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 7/12/2015 6:37:39 PM
I dated a man for three years off and on who didn't parent his child. Between the loss of respect, the lack of time we could spend together, ect. It ended.

However, you are married, so I'm sure you don't want to just walk away. Please tell him how this makes you feel. You can't make him do anything but if he respects you and your marriage, he WILL take action.

Or not.

Then You have to decide what you can live with.

I just saw the update......

Wow.
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