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 thepigofyourdreams
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 26
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I say go for the younger ones. The younger ones treat you like a queen.


For a night.
 thepigofyourdreams
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 27
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:04:21 AM

I bet you are an older man.


You're older than I am, sweetheart.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 28
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:09:35 AM
I know plenty of younger men who are with an older woman and treat them right. How come everytime someone posts about younger men and older man replies? I would think they would back up another man. Get use to it plenty of older women like younger men these days. Those who say they don't cant get them.


I can't blame older women for wanting to be with a younger man... same appeal as an older man with a much younger woman I suppose. The big difference is that there are quite a few younger women who are attractive to much older men because they value his confidence, social status, wealth etc. and do not place such a high value on his physical appearance.

Men on the other hand tend to place a higher value on physical appearance and place less emphasis on the qualities that a younger women might find attractive in an older man. So unless you are a better looking older woman that the guy can attract in his age group or younger or are one who is prepared to be a sugar mommy ( or fulfill his oedipus complex ) the older women much younger man pairing is often only a short term thing.

There is no anger or resentment on my part anct123 I was just stating what I see as the reality of the situation.

If an older woman or man wants to think she or he is more physically appealing than her/his much younger counterparts ( and will be treated better because of thier advanced age and looks by a youngin ) I would suggest that he/she is a bit delusional.

The interesting thing I find about your profile anct is that you set your lower age limit to what I would consider a man your age.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 29
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:22:52 AM

Your the reason good men become jaded and players. Stop dating and get help before you hurt more 'good' men.


In a way, I have to agree. True, it was the guys in the past that hurt her, but that's the past, it's over, nobody can change that.

The issue right now, is the guy that she's with, and where it's going to end up. Too many people get back into dating who just aren't emotionally ready for it. How many of us have dated someone who suddenly tells us after a few dates that they're not ready to date yet they just got out of a long relationship, or how many of us got led on for a long time only to get that same line?

If the guy really is a great guy, then the OP needs to get into some kind of counselling or something. Because it won't be fair to this guy if he ends up getting hurt because she's an emotional mess who doesn't trust guys.

The guy I quoted is right. No matter how many people hurt you in the past. You better be ready and stable enough to date before you start dating. It's not fair to the people that you hurt when you realize you don't trust anyone, or that you're not ready to date, or anything like that... And that's why so many people give up on looking for anything serious, especially on sites like this.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 30
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:09:40 AM

… I didn't see any signs. Maybe that is my problem, that I can't see the signs...


Learn what the signs are. It’ll give you more confidence. Read Gavin deBecker, The Gift of Fear, for instance. Google, “red flags.” Do an internet search on “sales techniques” and “close/closing the deal”. VERY interesting set of signs to learn, especially for people who have fallen for cons and abusers in the past. (I have! lol) People who pressure (like maybe the guys you had bad experiences with?) are not your friend and do not care about you- at all! Their goal is to convince and build false confidence (“con”) to get what they want, not to build a long term relationship of caring. There are people who will lie to you and use you. Learn who they are and what they act like, and you’ll be much more confident and less fearful. You’ll trust yourself more as you learn more. And you might feel more secure about the guy you are dating if you see that he is not conning you, that he does not do bad things.

Fear has its function and it should be respected, by everyone, men and women. There’s a big difference between fear that should be listened to, and general anxiety, hyper-vigilance or letting our imaginations run wild.


But he has hinted of wanting me to move in,


Learn the signs and listen to what he says and watch what he actually does, without the ghosts in mind. You might feel less worried. He might have meant, “some day, he looks forward to living together” or something else sweet or romantic. Maybe not.

You have three kids under 18. Going slow is pretty essential in your circumstances. Personally, I wouldn’t even consider moving in with someone in less than a year if I had minor children, and I doubt solid men would either.

No one said that you MUST completely trust people you’ve known for only two months, and abandon reason or your own comfort level. For instance, no one is saying you SHOULD move in, or say, hand over each other’s house keys or ATM pin numbers at two months (or 3, 6 or 9), right? Trust is not black and white.


Your the reason good men become jaded and players.


Not true. People don’t abandon their values and moral code because of someone else, and they don’t blame other people for the choices that they make in their own lives.

I’d talk to the guy you’re dating and tell him that you really like him and therefore, you’d like to slow down, enjoy each other and really get to know each other. I would not tell him your experiences in the past, but that’s up to you.

There is no reason that you would “lose him” if you want to take it slow and he is a good guy. You have three children you are responsible for too. I would assume a mature man would respect, even expect, that you would take your time and be conservative about who you see and how quickly things move.
 AladinsLamp
Joined: 6/9/2012
Msg: 31
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:43:51 AM
draw ur boundaries. let him know clearly what they r and the consequences for stepping on them. build an back up plan for what u will do if things dont go ur way. and just relax and enjoy.

once i enter an exclusive relationship i ll let the girl know, if she cheats im gone. and i will b gone and havin a blast bangin a diferent girl right the next day. i had an ex who used to tell me to, explicitly, if i ever cheated on her she would cut my cucumber off....and shed b like "i mean it!" made me laugh....but i never cheated on her.
 sunshinebridge2U
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 32
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 11:41:07 AM
I just have my fears of abandonment & a history of people I thought I trusted turning on me.


I didn't want to accuse you of having abandonment issues; however, I thought that might be the case from your original post. Think logically about this. The chances of this guy who is a nice guy wanting to leave is very small. He has already indicated that he would like to claim you for his own and have you move in with him. So, he would like to take you off the market. Everybody brings their own insecurities to a relationship. It is how you react to issues that come up and how you communicate with each other that determine how healthy your relationship is.

I am dating a really nice guy too and I adore him. I already told him that I could see myself dating him for at least four years no problems. However, some of the things that he says come off as though he's insecure about me leaving him for someone who is better. These things do happen. But, I am not that type of person. He called this morning and joked that I must have been out with someone else last night because I didn't answer my land line phone (I don't carry a cell phone). So, of course I tried to be reassuring about these things. However, people start looking crazy when they allow their insecurities to rule what comes out of their mouth. And, the problem is that when you are in a new relationship, you just don't know the other person well enough to know for certain if they are a very committed and loyal person. Only time will tell for sure.

One other thing. . . during the initial bonding stage, you're probably are going to feel the most vulnerable because of a lot of hormones. Just try to coast through this stage and focus on being happy and having fun. Once you get past this, you won't feel this way at all. And, remind yourself chances are he isn't going to leave.

P.S. It's way too early to talk about all of your issues.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 33
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 11:45:24 AM


I say go for the younger ones. The younger ones treat you like a queen.

For a night.

Such stereo-typing. The romantic love of my life was/is 9 years younger. He didn't have any intention other than to marry me, which is exactly what we did. Interestingly? At that time in my life? Those my age and older were the horn-dogs that wanted one-nighters (which was one of the reasons I found him so wonderful from the very first date.)

~OP~ I noticed earlier when reading this that your profile here indicates you are looking to date and find a relationship. It makes no difference to me what is in anyone else's profile, but I am curious. Have you already decided this current situation is a failure so might as well leave doors/windows open? Maybe deep inside you aren't wanting a long-term-relationship ????? Could it be that you think you "need" to be in a relationship, but really don't want to be in one? Many people are conditioned after years of long-term situations to think they are missing something if not in a LTR or "committed" relationship. I don't know ~ just seems that what you post doesn't really read like someone who's truly into being with just this one man. (There's nothing wrong with NOT wanting to be in a relationship.) ***shrugs***
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 34
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 12:17:39 PM
Such stereo-typing. The romantic love of my life was/is 9 years younger. He didn't have any intention other than to marry me, which is exactly what we did. Interestingly? At that time in my life? Those my age and older were the horn-dogs that wanted one-nighters (which was one of the reasons I found him so wonderful from the very first date.)


Plenty of stereotyping from both sides.
 yesreallyitsme
Joined: 6/2/2012
Msg: 35
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 1:55:57 PM
Igor post #26 hit the nail on the head. Learn to love yourself. Learn to trust yourself. Learn that no one can hurt you emotionally without your approval. Then you can put yourself out there 100% and have a safety net that you keep inside your own heart. It is a love for yourself that can never be taken away if you don't want it to be.
 to d worl
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 36
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 2:09:39 PM
i know where u are coming from i dont trust man either not really because of experience but because of the unreliability of them iam in a situation at this point but am learning to accept tings as they go even thou living it might be very hard but such is life keep your head up girl an make the best use of whatever comes your way do good to the person who is doing good to you an love them if they love you life is too short to wak up with regrets
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 37
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:38:44 PM
first of all you you thought the other men were special too. It's not all these men it's you who are picking these men. You have to realize that you only can be treated badly if you choose to have those types of people in your life.

Also why is your profile still showing you are looking for a relationship?

You have a history of picking bad men. A very long history. Plus you have been through trauma's. Its' easy to blame all the men but you need to stop this cycle. You need counseling and fast.

It takes a good year to know someone. Broken people make broken relationships.

Usually people that pick abusers constantly go in and out of relationships and many pick guys that move way too fast. There always thinking this is the magical prince charming that will save them and once they realize the truth, they are again in too deep. Its very classic that at the start the woman thinks this is prince charming and then she goes all in just to find out she picked another bad one and she's stuck.

You need to be by yourself for a while and get some counseling. Too much brokenness. No way are you ready to be in a serious relationship. You don't need a forum; you need a professional.

I would also worry about a guy that would date a person that has so much of a past history of pain. I have met a couple of people like you and I stop dating them immediately and ask them to go get some help. Lots of issues here. I wish you well.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 38
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:42:56 PM
I agree with cici777. You have had decades of poor choices in men and if at your age you can't see whats up with men, then you have huge issues and mountains to climb.

You need a professional counselor; a female; to help you break this or your kids will pay for your choices. You constantly have to have a man around and to think all these abusive and terrible guys you have chosen to date are not doing anything negative to your kids, well then that is naive at best.

You seem to love the victim role a little too much, when in reality you are your own worst enemy. Anyone disrespects me, they are dumped yesterday.

Please; stop the madness and get some help. good luck. We all deserve to be happy and that includes you and your kids
 Cici7777
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 39
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:59:53 PM
All right I have to make a few things clear. Although my profile may say I am interested in dating and want a LTR, my profile is currently hidden! The only reason you csn view it now is you're clicking on it from the forums, it does not show up in searches. I haven't changed anything on it since I hid it, because I wasnt planning on anyone seeing it. Also my kids have NEVER met any of the guys I've dated. There has never been anyone special enough in my life to meet them, until now. He has met my youngest son & the rest will come in time, so yes I am taking that slow. I have never discussed my dates with my kids or gotten them invoved in any way, so I am not hurting them or setting a bad example....

Yes I have made some bad choices in men, but I swear my friends met them & thought they were nice guys, so I was not the only one who was fooled by them. I prefer to think of it as I've had a string of bad luck. Maybe it is my own fault, my picker. I know I am too nice; but there is someone out there for everyone and someone who will appreciate me for who I am. I think I have found him now.

Also I dont think I need a man or am defined by having a man. It's just that I'm happier when I have a significant other; that's how I'm wired. Remember too I was in a very long unhappy marriage & I didnt love or feel loved for many years; so I'm ready for it now. I am an only child and my dad passed away so it's just me and my mom. Having someone stable in my life is a comfort and a blessing that I welcome because I'm sort of alone, but it is not a requirement.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 40
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 11:26:17 PM

You are right I have not told him all of my past yet. We've only been together two months & I don't want to scare him off to know all I've been thru because I also fear it makes me sound like a victim & "woe is me." I'm a person who likes to handle things myself in my own way, and not let these things affect my everyday life. I have hinted some of this stuff to him, and he said he is here for me to alk to him about it anytime I want to. I said I don't want to complain or bother him with my problems, but he said I wish you would. I know I am leading up to that it is just scary to tell someone you want to love and accept you all these intimate things that make it sound like I am really f*ed up...

And yes I am really 44...


first off, yes you do look totally incredible. Kudos.

Second off... if you are qusetioning yourself, tormenting yourself, fearing and subconsciously looking for "signs" that the other shoe will drop; it is not only fair but probably incredibly important he know that you are having these issues; because if he is being second guessed, questioned, distrusted and possibly subconsciously sabotaged; he can't be going on his merry way thinking he's in a great relatinoship while you're in a personal hell on your own side. And that takes a TON of strength to share.

I agree while you are healing from some pretty deep scars from abuse that therapy is pretty important (single for sure and maybe even couples so he understands when you maybe click into sabotage or pick a fight to break up mode what he can best do) and you can learn to pull what was done to you apart from "owning" it. Their abuse of you was not a reflection of a lack in you. It was a reflection of lack of decency in them. Once you realize that; you realize you did not deserve it and you trust that someone who sees something amazing in you actually is not going to find out otherwise and drop the shoe... you will be able to slowly let down your guard and know not everyone bites, not everyone hurts you, and some people actually ARE what they seem to be. And that if you have in deed found one, (which it sounds like you very well may have) not only do you deserve them? They deserve you.

Very best of luck to you. Seriously
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 41
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 4:34:17 AM
Yes I have made some bad choices in men, but I swear my friends met them & thought they were nice guys, so I was not the only one who was fooled by them.

Sorry, you don't get to let yourself off the hook that easy by saying gosh, even my friends thought he was a nice guy; I must be completely innocent. You are at least 50% responsible for every relationship you create. If you stay in an abusive relationship, you are 90% responsible. YOU were involved in those bad relationships, not your friends, so this doesn't have anything to do with what they thought.


I prefer to think of it as I've had a string of bad luck.

Yes, that would be you whitewashing everything that two days ago you were claiming to be your personal cross. Prefer this, prefer that. Stop it; it's bullshit. YOU are responsible for your relationships.... don't blame it on those 3 horrible guys or bad luck and how nice your friends thought they were. Even psychopaths can imitate socially acceptable behavior and make themselves look unthreatening in mixed company. But you were in bed with these guys, so obviously you weren't paying attention to something important. I've been where you are; so I recognize your brand of self-deception.

Your relationships will never improve until you start changing the way you think. As it stands right now, something is going to become your undoing with this nice guy unless & until you address the underlying self-esteem issues. I don't know what it will be or how it will play out, but it's practically inevitable. Not trying to be a downer on your party, but you have some unrealistic expectations and you show a pattern that *must* keep playing out in negative ways because it's subconscious, but you keep trying to sweep it under the rug.

Subconscious always wins.


It's just that I'm happier when I have a significant other; that's how I'm wired.

"How you're wired"..... Taking your latest self-serving statement at face value, then that must mean you're wired to find terrible relationships and then torment yourself daily with thoughts of tragic loss when a nice guy accidentally shows up. Just sayin'.

Subconscious always wins, because subconscious IS "how you are wired".


Remember too I was in a very long unhappy marriage & I didnt love or feel loved for many years; so I'm ready for it now.

YOU SAY when your lips are moving, but your poor self esteem speaks volumes. And since you always filter every relationship with a man through the prism of your poor self esteem (because you have no other option at this time), none of your relationships with men ever turn out to be congruent with what YOU SAY you wanted when they were fresh and new. YOU SAY they seemed like nice guys.... relationship.... abuse. YOU SAY you found a nice guy .... relationship.... beat yourself up about how it can't last, until finally… it won’t. Predictable. YOU SAY vs. YOU DO…. there’s a huge disconnect and it's all about you trying to avoid something that will make itself heard no matter what you keep repeating like a mantra. If it isn’t obvious to you yet, I’m telling you that your poor self-esteem is going to find a way to sabotage every single one of your best efforts UNTIL YOU FIX IT. Because that's how you are wired.

I think you're running from you. Sorry, but there is no escape. Rush into the arms now of the Nice Guy who appreciates you for who you are. Seems nice, ok, good luck from the audience. But you rushing off to that would just be your latest preference based on a useless platitude (“someone out there for everyone”)…. A bandaid and a blindfold!!

Ok, see you around.
 PinkNeonSocks78
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 42
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 5:51:05 AM
OP. I've had this problem before. You have to realize that NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME! Yes, I said it. You need to realize that this is a completely different man and that your past has nothing to do with the present. If you love him enough you'll get through this. Right now your brain is fighting with your heart. In these situations, if you love the person, go with your heart. Otherwise you're just hurting yourself.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 7:21:19 AM
Good post Motown.

I have a bit of an issue with 'self esteem' - because it is so nebulous, it's hard to get a handle on - most especially for someone who is caught in the "I've gotta get me some self esteem" hamster wheel. Plus it's a modern term - so it's kinda made up and like all 'catch-all, convenient labels, sometimes the label interferes with getting at exactly what the elements of it are. (To illustrate my point - I also have a similar issue with the word 'quality' as we all have different characteristics that are necessary to declare something is high or low quality - for some it might be durability, others weight of material or stitching or richness of the colour. I think it is much more useful to parse out what characteristics create the perception of quality - and that's what I'm suggesting one does for 'self esteem').

Similarly, I think finding, getting or improving this made up catch all label of self esteem involves looking at specific areas where we need to develop new muscles, or make new decisions. In short, it's not so much 'getting self esteem' as it is being aware of the specific things we are thinking, doing and not doing that are interfering with us having mastery of our own life. I actually think it is more useful to work on mastering your own life than it is to "get more self esteem".

If one were to tear apart their self esteem issues, trying to figure out what it looks like for them, I suspect we'd find things like 1. having the confidence to know you'll be able to handle yourself in situations, (which includes being able to survive/correct your own inevitable mistakes), 2. Being able to read your own emotions/thoughts, 3. Being able to have your own emotions, 4. Being able to hold your various emotions and having the freedom to pick what action you want to take in a situation (rather than being dictated by one of your reactive [automatic and often subconscious] feelings) 5. Actually believing (distinct from saying) you are 'enough' - even with your normal flawed human being status, you're still 'enough' or 'good enough'.

There's others of course, everyone has crafted their own flavour of self-esteem issues **grins**. I think therapy is an excellent tool to use to take a look at exactly what your own constructs are. They are all based on the decisions one made as a child on who they are, how the world works and how it should work. "Poor self esteem" is actually the strategies one devised as a child to be able to cope and they are really effective at protecting you from those dangers. They just totally suck at mastering your adult life, and often get in the way of how you want to live and relate to people as an adult. So I guess I'm saying you don't find or develop self esteem - you find adult answers to questions we all deal with throughout our lives.
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 44
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 8:25:06 AM
1st off paragraphs are your friend, use them. It's hard to read in a big block like that.

2nd we're all jaded from different things. Most let those things out from time to time. I had a girl cheat on me before. It takes a while to want to trust other women.

One thing that may be wrong is that your self esteem is low. You don't think you deserve anyone good after being treated like crap for most of your relationships. Now that you have a decent guy, so far, you don't know what to do with yourself or him. I kind of feel sorry for the guy. You know that if he makes one mistake he'll be kicked to the curb in thought that he's just like the "others".


<div class="quote">he doesn't know the extent I worry about things because I don't want him to think I'm crazy so I keep it to myself, partly because its so early also

What is one thing most women say to men? "you don't talk to me and communicate". If we keep secrets and a woman finds out he is kicked to the curb as a liar. So why would it be any different for a woman? If you sit down and discuss your fears and doubts with him. And work with them together. If he does break it off at least you got it off your chest and can move on. Hard to do I know. You've got to help yourself. No one can do it for you.

Edit: I had to check out your profile to look at age after you said you was in a relationship for 18 years. I'm still in awe that you are 44...I thought late 20's at most. Dang girl you got it going on, smoking. She's on fire!!! I hope I find a woman as beautiful as you one day.

Best of luck.
 mr685
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 45
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 2:20:26 PM
L E T G O!! you are doing him and yourself for that matter a huge disservice to really diving into and possible creating something really special and lasting..... STOP RESET & LET GO
 sunshinebridge2U
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 46
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 2:57:28 PM
^^^ I agree with Sarah

Also want to say this to YOU even though I feel it is OFF TOPIC. Pretty girls are often player magnets. A lot of guys probably have you on thier top rung of their ladder. So, it is a lot of work to have to sort through so much garbage to get to one half-way decent nice guy. My guess is that you are smart enough that you don't even deal with the "average" player. And, I am going to guess that your radar is pretty good. However, there are some guys who are just so good at the game that they sneak in looking like they are great relationship material - but they aren't. Of course, you don't have to worry about this. Just keep your eyes open. Pay attention to mixed-signals and inconsistencies of good character. Mark it on your calendar. No, need to get too upset or make a big deal of it. Just keep on enjoying each others company and having fun with each other. He may really be a genuine nice guy and you may be going through the normal relationship adjustment period. It's like the wheat and the weeds - sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between the two. Give it 6 to 9 months and you'll get a better picture of who you are dealing with. The other thing is give yourself credit for ending these bad relationships and walking away.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 3:56:58 PM
Hinting about you moving in after two months is way too soon to even consider it. If I were you, I'd run!

Take some time to get to know yourself. Having a man in your life is not the end all to beat all. Being happy with yourself should be your biggest priority.

Just remember.......like attracts like. If you are insecure and needy, the guy you are dating probably is too.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.


Perfect ^ ^ ^

Don't let him rush you, if you are taking things slow it's the right thing to do. You DO need to find out if he's too needy or if you are, give yourself the time to make sure. Why is there a rush? Trust yourself and never mind thinking you are too damaged to trust, that's just silly. Trust is earned, you don't know him well enough to trust him.

And talk to somebody for support and advise and workable solutions.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 48
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 4:45:45 PM
A few things come quickly to mind.

First of all two months is too early to tell. The dynamics of a relationship are not set yet. Second, the way you sound like, it's a self fulfilling prophesy that this is going to go south. Why, because you are so protective, you are so expecting for the shoe to drop, that it will drop.

It has been my experience that a lot of women that have been in abusive relationships, end abusive relationships again. So there are two sides to this. In the one case where they find a nice guy, they eventually either get bored with the poor guy, or run all over the place with the poor dude. So again, only time will tell, you may have been able to find a good guy, but he also has to be assertive for this thing to work. Eventually you are going to have to open up about your feelings and sense of trust. When a man senses that the woman does not trust, his natural reaction is not to trust as well and keep one shoe outside the relationship, in case it goes south. But when a man feels that the woman is there with him, then he jumps with all his heart into it.

What that means that as long as you do not trust, your relationship will never move to the next level. I am not saying to let your guard down yet, but to start to ease up and give each other room to grow emotionally and trust again. But that takes time, anywhere from six months to a year.

So enjoy and open your mind.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 49
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 5:16:22 PM
I don't trust that any man is trustworthy or going to stay. I can't help it but the things these men said & did really tore apart my self esteem. I have already told my boyfriend that I dont trust men and I make jokes about him not being around much longer because he'll get sick of me, and he said well I'm not going anywhere & I'm too old to change. However I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose him and anything I'm putiing into this, giving of my heart, is going to be taken away from me. I think to myself, well how much longer will he be around?
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It is better for you to have this conversation in a couple of years:

YOU: When we first got together I had many fears. I never discussed them with you, but I want to say that I no longer have them. You removed them from me and I am so happy to be with you.
HIM: What were your fears?
YOU: It doesn't matter, I don't have them anymore.

Than to have this one:

HIM: Honey, do I make you happy. Do you have any more fears that I can remove from you.
YOU: Well, now that I think about it, there is .......


I make jokes about him not being around much longer because he'll get sick of me
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That is a possibility. There are some men who will look at this as your hoops that they will have to jump through. They'll either be gone in a flash, or will tell you of their fears (hoops) that you'll have to jump through. Then you'll be asking if there are any more fears you can alleviate, and they'll have some more for you too.


I think to myself, well how much longer will he be around?
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Depends how nimble he is, and how high your hoops are. I'm more curious how nimble are you, and how high can you jump?


I can see him now saying to you: I have this fear that you'll get sick of me and you won't stick around too long. All my other relationships were like this. I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose you and anything I'm putting into this, giving of my heart, is going to be taken away from me. I think to myself, well how much longer will you be around?
And your response will be: well I'm not going anywhere & I'm too old to change. Would you then ask him to move in after just 2 months, and this is where your relationship is at? Or, would you disappoint him by saying that this wasn't working out very well? As much as he's been through you'd have to have a cold heart to be a further disappointment. Do the right thing and make him happy. Don't throw away the past 2 months.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 50
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 9:18:24 PM
You're probably reaching for a December wedding as fast as this relationship is going. I'm not gonna be able to make it. If you can push it back to June I might be able to be there, If invited. Will you be removing his nose ring before the nuptials, or after he says "I do."?

Trivia question: When you hear the comment "men are uncommitted", did you ever ask yourself who was popping the question "will you marry me"? I'm just assuming that if he is uncommitted, he ain't the one. Women walk men to the alter, and the OP is in full stride.
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